Surviving Uncertain Times

July 5, 2009 8:58 PM

How does one deal with uncertainty enough to stop worrying?

I’m trying to keep this as brief as possible, but it does get a bit tldr.

I graduated from college last month and have since been actively looking for a job. I’ve applied all over, gone to interviews, even contacted temp agencies, but nothing has happened so far. I currently live in New Jersey, and because I don’t know how to drive and public transportation within my part of the state is iffy, I’ve been applying for jobs in New York City (which is less than an hour away). The original plan was for me to live at home until I could get a job, and then over time I would save up enough to move out. But this didn’t work out.

It’s like this: For the past nine years, we (my mom, me, and my two underage, and somewhat delinquent, siblings) have been living in a house rent-free. The house was owned by her mom, and is currently owned by my aunt (my mom’s brother’s wife), although my grandmother has had a say in things. Neither of them live in the house, although we do have tenants upstairs. Today, after years of deteriorating relationships, etc., we were informed that we would be getting put out and we have 60 days to leave. We don’t really have any recourse, and I have no idea what’s going to happen to my family.

However, the one bright spot in this is that my father’s mother has given me permission to live with her in Jersey City if worse comes to worse. (My parents are divorced, and my other siblings have a different father, hence her giving only me a place to live.) The location is very advantageous, and she likes having me around, and I’ll be helping her out with errands and such, which I don’t mind. The close proximity will allow me to go to interviews and eventually to my job. It’s a tiny apartment—I’ll be sleeping on the sofa—but it will only be temporary. There is a possibility that I could be living with my mom, which I don't really mind, depending on the location.

I guess what my problem is, though, is that there’s nothing that scares me more than uncertainty. And so everything about this situation scares me. When I say I may be living with my grandma “temporarily,” I’m not even sure what that means. I haven’t had any luck getting a job so far, and so I’m not even sure if I can get one by the end of the 60 days, or if I can even get a temp assignment and at least have some money when I move in. And if I can find a job, I’m not sure if I can speed up the moving process somewhat because my credit score is bad and, other than paying off my student loans once the grace period is up, I’m not even sure if I can get a place with it or get a credit card in time so I can build up my credit. I know I won’t be out on the street, but I don’t think my dad (who helped arrange this whole deal) realizes that I may be there for more than a few months.

I know adulthood is hard, and I know I should just deal with this. But how? I’m a notorious worrier, so even if someone tells me not to worry about something, I do. How do you deal with uncertainty? My mom isn’t any help; she’s the “take it one day at a time” kind of person, and I’m of the opinion that that attitude has gotten her into more than a few scrapes. But how do I deal with this anxiety? How can I ensure that I’ll sleep tonight, and the next few nights? I can’t see a shrink—no health insurance.

Anything you can tell me will be much appreciated. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Suggestion: Make a list of all the things that worry you. Put them into categories. Can I do anything about these things? How likely is the worst case scenario in each situation? Then, focus your efforts on doing what you can to make the situation more advantageous, making a mindful decision to work on it rather than worry about it.

I'm not saying any of that will be easy -- but if you can manage it, you might be able to get through the situation a little more easily.

Good luck. And don't dismiss your worries. Even if some of them are illogical, they're there. They just don't require action at this time.
posted by brina at 9:27 PM on July 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

I know think adulthood is hard, and I know think I should just deal with this.

Certainty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Read Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, and do the excercises. It should be very helpful for your type of anxiety.
posted by zennie at 9:52 PM on July 5

I'm a worrier by nature, and I deal with it by imagining going wrong, and how I'll handle them. That helps build up a backlog of contingency plans that cover most possibilities, and at a certain point I'll start feeling ready to handle the worst that could happen because I've imagined it, and imagined dealing with it.

That doesn't mean coming up with brilliant plans for everything. It usually means just thinking through what'll happen and accepting that so that it doesn't seem so scary. Make the uncertainties less uncertain by picturing them clearly and, planning for them if possible, and knowing about them in advance so that you're not unpleasantly surprised.

Few things are as bad in reality as we picture them in advance.
posted by fatbird at 9:58 PM on July 5

My suggestions: move in with your grandmother. go to graduate school, get a job at the school. If you are a chronic worrier you will feel better if you have a plan.
posted by fifilaru at 10:23 PM on July 5

#1 Learn the difference between worrying that is part of planning and action and unproductive worry.
#2 Make a list of every single thing you can think of to worry about. Add to the list as needed. Set aside a time every day to focus on your worries. Take out the list and think about the different things on it for a set amount of time (probably 30 min max.)
#3 The rest of the day, whenever you catch yourself worrying, ask if the worry is productive (you are making plans, taking action) or unproductive (going over what you have already planned, thinking about things where there is too much uncertainty to do anything yet, worrying about things completely outside of your control, at least at the moment.) If your worry is unproductive, tell yourself to save it for your worry time. If you can't let go of it, write the worry down on your list (again) and then put it away.

If you are lying in bed worrying, then visualize the worry as an object or a thing. Picture putting it in a box, putting the box on a shelf and tell yourself it will still be there for your next worry time and then actively choose what to think about instead.

Personally, I really like to have a plan and a back-up plan (and sometimes a back-up to the back-up plan). However, I have gradually learned that once I have my plans, I need to let go of the worry until it is time to put one of the plans into action.

Finally, it sounds like your biggest worry is that you don't know how long you will be welcome at your grandmother's. Can you talk to her about that? If you get a warm "stay as long as you need to" then you will be more relaxed. If you get "I'm expecting this will just be for a month or two" then you can either share your worries with her and see if she is flexible or you can start to make a plan for what you will do next for a place to live. More information is almost always better in this situation.
posted by metahawk at 10:50 PM on July 5

Lots of good basic advice here, the key to me being separating productive, rational worry (ie: the kind you can do something about) from irrational worry (the kind you can't do much about) ...

Which leads to a fear of flying that crept up on me for a while when I was in my 20s. It was never acute. It never stopped me from taking a flight but it was wearing and it did turn the actual flights into unpleasant experiences, particularly the take-offs and the landings.

How did I get over it?

I mentioned the bit about take-offs and landings to a friend and he said, "Are you kidding? That's the best part. That's when you're right on the edge. Hundreds of miles per hour ... and leaving the ground!!!!! How fucking crazy is that? That's what life is all about."

And he was right. Now it's not that I don't feel a little fear when I fly, I just embrace it, make a point of looking out the window and glorying in the speed and danger. And for what it's worth, I try to apply the same attitude to everything that scares me. Not always successful ... but I do try.
posted by philip-random at 11:13 PM on July 5 [5 favorites has favorites]

unemployed fresh college graduate here who also is a compulsive worrier and dealing with a crazy, fluid living situation. so i feel you to the absolute max!

i think you need to refocus on how lucky you are in a major, major way. it's a wonderful coping mechanism for me and it allows me to stay motivated to do what i want to do (apply to a job that will help me save the world in the way i deem best.)

you're in the richest country on earth. you're in the biggest city in that country, the friggin' capital of the world, and if you really wanted to, you would have the resources to leave at any time. it's called a greyhound bus ticket.

you have the immense privilege of a college education. unemployment numbers making you wet the bed? go back and compare that to how college graduates are doing. think of the poor, the immigrants, the disabled, the elderly, the 55-year old unionized factory worker who just got laid off.

i'm not dismissing the challenges you face, but we are still incredibly lucky people and we will be able to weather the economic downturn and make the most of the time we have to apply to jobs. even if i don't find something in time, i know i'm not going to end up on the street starving. think of all of the people in the world who don't have that backup plan.

feel free to mefi mail, because i'm going through a really similar situation. and despite all of the madness of my situation, i'm keeping on keeping on. somehow.
posted by Muffpub at 12:28 AM on July 6 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are things you can do something about, and things that you can't.

"Can do something about" means:
- you can take steps to prevent it OR
- you can take steps to deal with the consequences.

"Can take steps" means:
- there are things you can do that aren't impossible given your resources, state of mind, and inclinations.

Bearing the above criteria in mind, write your worries down, and sort them. Then:
- take steps to deal with all the things in the first category
- put the things in the second category in the same bucket as "being hit by a metorite" or "stepping in front of an out of control motorized skateboard."

It's ok to feel fear about things we can't know or control. That's different from worrying, which is chewing problems over and over without ever coming to a resolution for them. Many people find that once they have done all they know how to do (perhaps with the aid of pencil and paper and planning) that they can relax about the other stuff. Back yourself and be one of those people.

This is what people mean when they say "what's the worst that could happen?" Eg, if you are still living with your Grandma on day 60, what could happen next? My bet is you'll be able to live there on day 61. In the intervening days between now and then, many things can happen, and you can do many things, to try and find an alternative, but lots of things happen to people that are much worse than still living with Grandma after 2 months.

(Would she kick you out? What does your city/state/country offer for emergency accomodation? Do you have any friends you can call on? Other relatives? )

Anyway: there is a middle ground between your Mom's day to day life and a life of gnawing over possibilities, which is making a plan to deal with things that bug you, and then trusting that you can execute your plan, or make a new one, in the unlikely event that your worst fears eventuate.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:52 AM on July 6

I would like to suggest that worrying about things is an attempt to control them. At least that's what I realized about myself - worrying about things always made me feel like I was doing something, in addition the other actions I would take.

However I realized - things work out however they're going to work out whether I worry or not, and often they work out in totally unexpected ways.

A technique that has helped me is really analyzing the worry - exploring how it feels, thinking about the color and texture it has, asking myself how it's helping me, and how the worry is hindering me, and imagining that worst thing that could happen. It helps to write these thoughts down, and spend a good 15 minutes or so really examining the feeling of "worry".

When I finish that, I usually feel much better, the worrisome thing continues to exist, but is no longer out of proportion with the rest of my daily concerns.

Being optimistic helps alot in situations like these - you can for example, (after thinking about the worst things that could happen) make a list of all the great things that could happen. Write down even things that you think are far-fetched and unlikely. One never knows, the world is an amazing place!
posted by Locochona at 4:11 AM on July 6

I'm sorry that is happening to you. Sounds trite, but as someone once said: acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. So, accept this situation is happening and take real steps on your own (move out of a place with your mother, get a job in NYC, earn money). Let yourself feel the worry for a certain amount of time and then squash it mentally. Also accept that it will take sacrifices to get to a better place in life, but let your past situation be your motivator.
posted by heather-b at 6:53 AM on July 6

Take it one day at a time. Here's where a bit of ancient biblical advice applies: "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

Constant worry is bad for your health. It keeps you in a steady "fight or flight" mode that we are not equipped to sustain long term. One day when I was really agonizing I suddenly realized that, even if the thing I was worried about were to happen, I couldn't feel any worse than I did right that moment worrying about it. And if it did happen, I would most likely find a way to cope.

I am not trying to belittle your fears. Just encouraging you to pull in your focus and do the best you can on a daily basis. We humans are resilient little buggers. You'll make it!
posted by lazydog at 7:05 AM on July 6

Another book you might want to check out is The Worry Cure, by Robert L. Leahy. It's a similar style to Feeling Good, recommended above, but it's specifically about worry. It's very well-reviewed by respected people.
posted by ManInSuit at 7:45 AM on July 6

Everyone's giving you pretty good advice so far. I just wanted to suggest that you might start looking for retail or restaurant jobs if you haven't already. I know the job market is tough right now, but I think that income--any income, no matter how small, will help you feel more secure in you situation, which is understandably stressful.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:46 PM on July 6