Am I foolish for hoping that the mooching in this relationship will stop?

July 3, 2009 1:06 PM

I rekindled an old romance about nine months ago; at that point, he and I were both unemployed but collecting unemployment compensation. Since then, I've found a great job and have been moving forward; he's been forced to give up his apartment and can't pay child support to his ex-wife. Meanwhile, he's been hitting me up for money frequently - I love him, but am wondering how to address my concerns with him properly.

I admittedly have a difficult time with confrontations of any kind; despite promising myself many times not to "lend" him any more money or buy him cigarettes or other unnecessary things, he puts me on the spot a lot and I cave in. He's admitted to feeling like a loser for asking me for stuff - the fact that I have kids to support myself makes this even more aggravating, I think. I'm so torn because I do love this man and do feel that a long term relationship is possible - in theory. In reality, I'm starting to resent him.

He lives pretty close to me now, and frequently wants to come over. I work from home and used to enjoy his company, but lately I can't help but have this niggling doubt about his intentions. Sometimes it feels like he's simply here to get free food and to hit me up to "borrow" money from me. He still gets unemployment pay, but it's ridiculously low.

Tension has been rising between the two of us; it makes me feel terrible, because he is a kind person and I don't like being angry with him. The only time we go out and do something, I have to pay the bill. If I want him to accompany me, I have to pay his way. Before, it didn't bother me... but lately, he's even been requesting things he'd like to pick up to eat and stuff, yet I pay.

I know I need to talk to him - maybe even DTMFA - but this large part of me wants this all to work. When he's around, my aggravation and annoyance build steadily, but as soon as he's gone - poof! - it evaporates. I am looking for suggestions about how to deal with all of this in a non-passive aggressive way - which is admittedly my tendency.

As a side note, my annoyance has gotten greater since he basically does nothing productive with his time. I am the type that always has to have some sort of project going on; when I was unemployed, I engaged in a lot of self-improvement efforts, for example. When we first hooked back up, he seemed confident and eager to get a new job and move on but he's making no effort to find employment nowadays.

I hope that I've provided enough detail to make meaningful responses possible; if not, my throwaway is [e-mail]. I'm posting this anonymously because he knows I enjoy the site.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

You are not a free human being, not until your children can support themselves, and you have no right to support this man. DTMFA. Seriously, are you not surprised at yourself for thinking this way?

Your friends and family should support you - sit with you, watch the kids, help you fill the free time - until you feel better. Every penny you give this guy could go into a college fund for the kids.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:17 PM on July 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

Set up boundaries. If he doesn't follow them, dump him.

Or just dump him now.
posted by Happydaz at 1:17 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you really love him, you'll cut him off from the mooching. Tell him you expect him to stand on his own two feet. You need him to get back into job mode. Basically you're enabling him right now.

Otherwise the strain will kill the relationship.

Traditionally when it was the girl with no money and the guy with a job, the guy brought the food and the girl cooked it. Can he contribute in ways that don't cost money? If he's not buying dinner, could he cook? Or look after your kids for a bit?
posted by musofire at 1:18 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

You are being foolish. Start dating someone else and tell him you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship.
posted by anniecat at 1:18 PM on July 3

Who said the OP has kids? The boyfriend has child support obligations. No indication that she does.
posted by Happydaz at 1:18 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Listen to yourself:

When he's around, my aggravation and annoyance build steadily, but as soon as he's gone - poof! - it evaporates

Either talk with him about how he's making you feel so he knows and can work on it or dump him. No matter how much you love someone, resistant being around them if they make you miserable.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:19 PM on July 3

Seems like it's my day to quote hoary aphorisms. In this case, I'd say "Write when you get work."
posted by adamrice at 1:20 PM on July 3

He's admitted to feeling like a loser for asking me for stuff...

And yet he still keeps doing it. Every dollar you're giving him is a dollar you don't have available to spend on your children - and he's not even contributing to the support of his own children (which should tell you something about how much of a priority the "important" people in his life really are).

This is working very well - for him.

If you honestly want to pursue a future with him at any price, then tell him to look you up when he's got his shit together and wants a partner not a parent.

And yeah, I've been in relationships where I've carried the financial burden for a while, but the other person has always picked up more than their share of other responsibilities and it's been for a few months at the most.

If this situation doesn't change dramatically, are you going to pay his back child-support to keep him out of legal trouble? Honey, someone who won't even make the effort to provide for their own children is not someone to whom you want to hook your star.
posted by Lolie at 1:22 PM on July 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

You and he share a common goal -- to enjoy your time together and have a tension-free relationship. His requests for money, etc, are interfering with that goal. Maybe he doesn't even know this is going on. You two share the common desire for it not to do that. It's in both of your interests to keep your different money situations from interfering with (or even ending) your warm feelings for him. Work together to achieve this shared goal.

If you need a book-length version of that approach, read Crucial Conversations.
posted by salvia at 1:22 PM on July 3

Who said the OP has kids? The boyfriend has child support obligations. No indication that she does.

"...the fact that I have kids to support myself makes this even more aggravating, I think..."
posted by Lolie at 1:25 PM on July 3

Freeloading d-bag boyfriends + Ask Metafilter = trainwreck

I do believe he's being unreasonable. When my boyfriend was in school, I had significantly more money than him. I would occassionally pick him up cigarettes or buy us dinner. But you know what? I was buying him cigarettes because I wanted to surprise him with something nice. I bought us dinner because I really wanted to go out for dinner with him and didn't mind if I had to pay for his share, because I knew otherwise he couldn't come with.

He never asked for any of these things. Your boyfriend seems to have a sense of entitlement, and you know it.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:30 PM on July 3 [5 favorites has favorites]

You tagged this as "freeloadingboyfriend"---if that's how you feel about him, then you already know you should get out of this relationship (at least until he is willing/able to support himself).

I understand that a lot of people are experiencing unemployment and the depression that can go with it these days. However, as a parent with child-support obligations, this man has a responsibility to get his mental health in check, if that's necessary, and to be exhausting all possible job opportunities (networking widely, applying for jobs whether or not they spark his "passion", signing on with a temp agency if that's an option, etc.). If you think you see a long-term future with this man, and you have your own kids, you need to look at how he is as a father. If he acts in a way that is neglectful and irresponsible toward his own children (such as failing to pay child-support), do you really want him to have a role in your kids' lives?

I don't have kids, but growing up I had a few friends whose parents re-married, resulting in some good and some bad step-parents. It matters that the person you partner yourself with be someone worthy of having a relationship with your kids.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:53 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ask yourself, what would he do if you were not around to foot the bill?
If the answer is:

a) get a job or several crappy jobs to TCB, then you need to make it clear, perhaps in a letter if you are unable to talk about it, that you have your own financial responsibilities and can no longer afford to support him financially, but would be willing to help him send out resumes, offer emotional support, etc.

b) he would find some other way to not work and get a free lunch, then DTMFA.

People take all sorts of crap in the name of love. If you feel tense and irritated when he's around, guess what? Bad sign. Don't make excuses for him. Don't throw him a pity party. He's an adult, he should be able to take care of this.
posted by anniek at 1:58 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Do you value honesty in a relationship?

Then tell him, honestly, that you don't feel comfortable giving him money.
posted by roger ackroyd at 2:13 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

You said you have passive aggressive tendencies. You could try making him work for what you give him and see how he responds. "If you clean my garage/wash my car/whatever, I'll give you twenty bucks". Works well in our social group when it comes to moochers - they always have some reason why they "don't have time" to do the particular task and offering them a way to earn money relieves any guilt about not giving it to them.
posted by Lolie at 2:17 PM on July 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

If you are tired of his asking for things, it's possible for you to change this without making some major deal out of it. You don't have to have some big confrontation where you make the ultimatum that he stop asking for things. You can just start saying no.

"Hey, I was hoping you could pick up some cigarettes for me when you're at the store.."
"Actually, I'm sorry, but I can't do that this time. Cigarettes are pretty expensive, over time."

"Oh, maybe we could go out to dinner tonight!"
"Yeah, that would be fun, but I don't really want to be spending money unnecessarily right now."

And so on.

You don't have to give excuses -- it's your money, and he has no right to an excuse for why you don't want to buy him things. I know that saying "no" can be difficult, if you're passive-agressive and kind-hearted... But sometimes it's necessary, and it shouldn't be as big a deal as you're probably making it out in your mind. You can say no, and you can say it politely, and it can be a perfectly okay thing to do.

Now, suppose he doesn't act like it's a perfectly okay thing to do. Suppose he demands a reason, or he starts trying to convince you to get what he wants, or he starts turning your refusals into the fuel for an argument... Then that's a bad sign. Then it's time for an ultimatum, or to seriously consider the role this guy has in your life.

It doesn't make him a bad man to ask for things that he thinks you're perfectly happy to give. He may very well think that you have enough money to not care at all about giving him a little now and then. It's up to you to tell him no... And you can then judge how you should feel about him and proceed in the future by how he responds to you saying no.
posted by Ms. Saint at 2:19 PM on July 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

This guy is taking advantage of you and being unproductive with his time. People always seem better when you first start dating them but rarely, if ever, go back to this ambitious, trying-their-best phase. He probably isn't going to change and he is dragging you down with him. Cut him loose and stop having him over. Lots of other people can make you happy--people who have jobs and and the decency to respect you.
posted by Polychrome at 2:23 PM on July 3

Give him a hug and say "I've got a family to take care of, come back when you're able to help."

Then send him on his way. If the relationship is important to him, he'll shape up and come back and you can have many happy years together. If the mooching is more important, he'll just find someone else to mooch off of and good riddance.

You've got to take care of you and yours first and foremost.
posted by Ookseer at 2:47 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Get some space, it will be good for you to clear your head and possible leave him no excuse to be unproductive. In addition to free food and stuff, going to your house everyday gives him somewhere to go and something to do. It's helping him avoid what he needs to do, which is get a job. Instead of visiting you all day, he can try to visit temp agencies or send out his resume all day to any valid job. Tell him that you've realized you can't concentrate or work as well when you have company.

Seconding Ms. Saint, tighten your belt when it comes to shelling out for his needs. ESPECIALLY the unnecessary stuff. Now's as good a time as any for him to quit smoking, if he can't afford his cigarettes, you shouldn't have to afford his habit either (this will be a bit more complicated if you smoke as well).

You've listed characteristics that you don't like about him which aren't the type that will go away even after he finds a job. He easily imposes on your good will, he's not productive or motivated, doesn't use time constructively and self improvement doesn't seem to be an interest of his. All of these characteristics can be applied to situations that will come up even after he finds a job, they're not going to disappear just because he finally finds employment. It's possible that he's always been a mooch and you just never noticed it before. Are these characteristics you can deal with long-term?

So, you'll get some space, you'll cut off his ability to mooch, or mooch as much as he is now, and hopefully you will be able to objectively evaluate him and your relationship. Figure out of you do love him and see long-term potential for the relationship, or if you love the idea of him, or if you can still love him now that you've seen this side of him? If you still think the relationship has legs, figure out what he needs to be doing now in order to keep your opinion of him from plummeting. For instance, getting a job delivering pizza while he's looking for a real job, or volunteering or taking a class or whatever it is that would make you stop seeing him as an unmotivated mooch. Once you have the "ideal scenario" in your head, just approach him and tell him how you're feeling. Just honestly tell him how you feel about the mooching and how it's impacting your ability to properly support your kids. Tell him how you feel about his motivation (or lack of), and give him suggestions for how he can fill his time and make money while he's waiting for the ideal job.

I know you said you have a difficult time with confrontations, but this is one of those sticky situations where your only option is to just come out with it. It might cause a fight, perhaps it will wound his pride or he'll be angry at himself and project the anger onto you. However, passive aggressive solutions will not result in less conflict, only different conflict, and ongoing conflict because it never addresses the root of the problem. At least once you've said what you have to say, you no longer have to stress about ways for him to get the point. Just spend some time thinking about what you want first. Btw, even if he gets a job in the meantime, I think some of these things need to be addressed before they pop-up in other situations.
posted by necessitas at 3:06 PM on July 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

"lend" him any more money or buy him cigarettes or other unnecessary things

Lending someone money to pay their bills during unemployment is one thing. But buying unnecessary crap like cigarettes? Hell to the no. DTMFA.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:26 PM on July 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

He feels like a loser because he is the classic definition of a loser.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:30 PM on July 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just want to point something out. You're using language which separates him from responsibility. "He's been forced to give up his apartment", "he can't pay child support". Any time you find yourself doing that in respect of an able-bodied adult, ask yourself why. You probably won't like the answer, but it will help put things in perspective.
posted by Lolie at 3:45 PM on July 3 [4 favorites has favorites]

He's not even paying to support his own children, and he's making no effort to find employment: Those facts make it clear: HE IS A FUCKING LOSER. GET RID OF HIS WORTHLESS ASS.

If he had a shred of decency, he would be out pounding the pavement, applying for job after job, so that he could support his children, not mooching off of a woman who is working hard to support HER children.
posted by jayder at 4:23 PM on July 3 [9 favorites has favorites]

The 'extra' money you're giving him is money you could be saving. Do you have an emergency fund? Any desire to plan for later in life, i.e., retirement? You can tell him that you got used to living on a shoestring while unemployed, and now you want to keep your belt tight and put money away.
posted by wryly at 5:00 PM on July 3

"When we first hooked back up, he seemed confident and eager to get a new job and move on but he's making no effort to find employment nowadays."

his confidence is not going to turn around. maybe he's a really good guy at heart, but when there is someone he can lean on he will do it until the other person breaks. he is not one of your kids. your love for him doesn't need to be like your love for them. if he wants to contribute to the relationship then he is a good partner to have. if he is fine with having you pull all the weight for you, him, your kids, and god knows what else down the line, then he's not a good partner.

a hard lesson to learn is even if you think if this one thing was different, or you met each other 2 years ago or 2 years from now, or whatever the excuse you keep telling yourself to make you go through this - that all you have is you and him here and now. you have to build a relationship through that. the big commitments, the "for richer for poorer" stuff, that's for down the line when you've built a solid relationship on trust and love and honesty and hard work. if you're already getting all the shitty sides of those promises with little of the good side - how do you see this being any different in a month, a year, a decade, or ever?

also, maybe it's a character flaw, but i always play "worst case scenario" and see where that gets me and if whatever i'm doing is worth it - hanging out more and more to get more food will lead to him "just staying the night" which will lead to "just staying the weekend" and before you know it, he's actually lost his apartment, he's living with you and your kids, his ex catches wind of it and (if you live in the sort of state where this is possible) she argues that you guys are common law married and her child support should come from your checks.
posted by nadawi at 5:13 PM on July 3 [5 favorites has favorites]