Relationshipfilter: When we're together, I couldn't be more happy. When the inevitable breakups come, I feel so empty and no amount of time makes me feel as whole as when I'm with him. I know it won't last, but I'd take the pain of him leaving again just to have a couple months of happiness. Advice?
About a year ago (mid-summer '08), I met a guy. We'll call him "Jon". It was my first relationship, and it was magical beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. We were so well matched, he was respectful and loving and I couldn't have asked for more. I fell in love with him.
As winter came, things started to fall apart. There would be days I wouldn't hear from him, he stopped wanting to talk to me and his desire to see me was much less. Around five days before Christmas, Jon came over and I told him that I was angry that he'd dropped contact, and that it made me worried. He got angry, we ended up shouting and he left saying that we were over. We got together for lunch a couple days later, and he told me he "wasn't good enough" for me and that he was holding me back. He refused to comply when I told him I loved him and I didn't care, and things ended at that point. I was depressed for at least a month, food became repulsive and I dropped around ten pounds. Life was difficult, I thought about him endlessly and it was hard to function socially. After several months, the pain handn't really subsided but I'd gotten used to dealing with it.
Jon contacted me in March, I'd not heard from him since the day we'd had lunch. In an email he told me he loved me, he missed me, he said he made a mistake and was scared because I changed his plans for his life. My heart melted at this point, and although I resolved to be careful, I got back in contact with him. We talked over IM for a couple days, and we then decided to meet up. After dating in secret for a few weeks, we told our friends and family that we were back together. Things were again glorious for a few months, he was much better at keeping contact and he constantly expressed how glad he was to have me back and how ashamed he was to have let me go.
Things, again, began to fall apart. Jon, again, started dropping contact and lost interest in seeing me. After a few weeks of this, I confronted him. He said he thought we needed to work on our friendship (our "friendship" was fine, great for the most part), and that we should just see each other as friends for a while. I told him it would be too painful, and he ended the relationship once again.
I didn't hurt anything like it did in winter. It was a shock, but I felt so unattached at that point that despite sadness at night, I could be somewhat happy during the day. There were times where I could forget. But the feeling of emptiness that I felt, my lack of connection toward someone was just as pronounced.
That was a Sunday in May. Minutes after I'd gotten off the phone with him, my mother and I began to talk. We tried to figure out what would cause his behavior, and my mom proposed that he might be bipolar.
My aunt was recently featured in an article that advocated better medical care for prison inmates with psychological disorders. Her son, my cousin, was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a great deal owing to her efforts to have him treated. My mother and I got on a conference call with my aunt, and the description of my cousin sounded a lot like Jon.
YANADfilter- Here's what sticks out to me from what she said, as these are things that also apply to Jon. She said that her son, "Jake", didn't get bad until around high school. That it began suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, but later correlated to a traumatic event. After talking with Jon's mother, she said that Jon's weird moods began one spring when he was 15, but he wouldn't talk about what happened. Jake would have months where he'd hole himself up in his room, not talk to anybody and would eat very little. At the end of each relationship, Jon would have nights where he'd hardly speak to me and when I did see him, he'd eat very little. His mother would mention that Jon wasn't speaking to her and that immediately after school he'd go straight to bed. Additionally, when I saw him at this point, he was uninterested in me sexually, which led to some frustration on my part. To me, this seems the depressive stage.
She also described Jake's manic stage. Where he'd be on edge, where he'd hardly sleep and would talk very fast. He'd get angry at tiny things that didn't make sense. Jon is known for getting angry for no reason, for exploding without a cause. I've known him to stay up for days, but it usually correlated with a lot of school work.
He seemed uncannily similar, especially down to little quirks, such as getting sick at a regular interval, headaches as a child, and an addictive personality- these things all seem to match up with Jon.
Jon contacted me yesterday, after a couple days of lurking on IM with his status saying things like "I'm a fool for leaving her" and other messages that seemed almost suicidal in nature. He said he wouldn't care what anyone thought, that he hated himself for letting me go. I ended up talking to him. I went to see him. I can't explain why. Things heated up pretty quickly. And now I'm unsure of what to do.
His mother is going though some serious pain trying to help her son and has no idea what to do. There are times when he won't speak to her for days and it's to the point where it's emotionally damaging. I haven't told her of my theory, and at the moment she's blaming his actions on being a young male. I can't come close to determining that he's bipolar but his actions seem very similar to that of Jake's. I feel like it's partially my duty to try and help her figure out what's going wrong. I feel like, getting back with Jon is less about making me happy and more about trying to help him.
I want this summer to be a happy one. During school, studying and distance prevents Jon and I from being together as often. Now we're both home and we have what seems an indefinite amount of time. I feel like, for once, I understand, and that I can do some good for him. I want to make him happy. But, my parents and friends don't approve considering what's happened.
Please help, thanks again, all advice welcome.
posted by pyrom to human relations (42 comments total)
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posted by Loto at 9:00 AM on July 3 [4 favorites has favorites]