the unemployment blues.

July 1, 2009 1:57 PM

guys, how has unemployment affected your dating life?

a few weeks ago, i posted this question, and while it sounded like i was going to end up sitting around waiting for him to call me, it just was inauthentic to who i was and i ended up asking him out again and he was really into it (and also, what happened subsequently—see below—probably explains why he hadn't asked me out again).

we've tried twice to get to date number two but each time, he's gone out to a big party the night before and gotten too hungover to make it. in between we were still texting and chatting every couple of days and he wrote me a couple of emails confirming that he really does like me a lot, loves talking to me, and wants to hang out again, if i am into it, and that he hoped i didn't hate him for having been so flaky. he's also mentioned that he's been in a funk lately. in the past year he's gotten divorced, had to sell his house (which he loved and misses), moved to a new place, lost his job, then had to move to a smaller place. he's incredibly talented at what he does but his job is so specific and it's in an industry that is particularly affected by the economy right now so he's gotten virtually no work since. he says the lack of work and money has really affected his motivation, creativity, and confidence. it seems like his days consist of going for long runs and bike rides and then going out for drinks at night with friends.

after the last time he stood me up, he sent me a text the next day apologizing and then told me that he really wasn't up for dating. after texting and calling a bunch of times to try to get in touch, i finally wrote him back an email letting him know that i really empathised with what he was going through as it was something i dealt with last year, would still like to be friends (no romantic pressure) because i really did enjoy his company aside from the whole physical attraction aspect, and that when he decided to date again, i would hope that he'd give me a call.

i'm super disappointed, of course. i don't often feel this excited about guys i meet so i really like this guy and was looking forward to what could have developed. it's almost worse knowing that he likes me a lot too—but not enough to keep seeing me, obviously. i haven't heard from him since his text (nor have i contacted him since my last email to him after he texted me either, except to ask if he wanted to do some freelance work) and i'm starting to feel like maybe that wasn't true and now he hates me. where do i go from here? is there any hope?

posted by violetk to human relations (31 comments total)

where do i go from here?

meet other dudes that like you enough to not flake out on you repeatedly.
posted by lia at 2:01 PM on July 1 [8 favorites has favorites]

where do i go from here?

meet other dudes that like you enough to not flake out on you repeatedly. Someone who is too hungover to make it isnt trying very hard. Everyone deserves someone who actually wants to hang out with them.
posted by jessamyn at 2:04 PM on July 1 [10 favorites has favorites]

If a guy likes you, he likes you. There's not a whole lot that would keep someone who likes you from actually seeing you.

Based on your past questions, it sounds like there is something deeper going on with you that has lead you to feel insecure with regard to relationships (How do I know this? Because, I, too, am relationshippy disabled so all of this looks unfortunately familiar to me.) Maybe take some time to work on whatever is causing these self image issues before getting back out there in the pool.
posted by December at 2:04 PM on July 1

is there any hope?

For this dude? Maybe not. For you? Absolutely.
posted by box at 2:05 PM on July 1 [3 favorites has favorites]

You deserve much better. He sounds like he's not too focused on dating you. If he was really sincere and interested, he would not cancel your dates. Heck, why didn't he take you with him to the parties, if he was wanting a cheaper date option?

Keep looking. There's another world's-best-kisser out there.
posted by Houstonian at 2:06 PM on July 1

Some men, as well as some women, really really really see their worth as a human being as something tied directly to their ability to generate income. Perhaps this is one such person. Or, maybe, he's just a flake. Either way, he's not available to you right now. This isn't so much about how he feels about being unemployed as it is about how he treats you. So, where you go from here is in the direction of other people who, employed or not, respect you and value your time enough not to let their insecurities or other issues get in the way of showing up for dates.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:07 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

where do i go from here? is there any hope?

No, there is no hope if you're going to sit there and pine for a guy who specifically told it ain't happening. Feel bad about that, grieve, eat a pint of ice cream, whatever, but move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:09 PM on July 1

The answer to your specific question about this guy is probably some variant of "he's just not that into you." Raise your dude standards; flaking out on a date due to a hangover is pretty damn weak.

The answer to the above-the-fold question about unemployment and dating: Unemployment can be a drag. I was unemployed for about five months and spent my days and nights overeating, chain-smoking, glued to the PlayStation, and occasionally crying myself to sleep. I felt unemployable and had pretty low dating self-esteem. It sounds like this guy is going through a similar rough patch, one that you may not be able to pull him out of.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:09 PM on July 1

If a guy likes you, he likes you. There's not a whole lot that would keep someone who likes you from actually seeing you.

Whoa, I call shenanigans on this.

There are plenty of reasons why someone who likes you still can't get it together to see you. Granted, none of those reasons are good, but I'd say divorce and unemployment are excellent reasons to lose the ability to function at 100%.

Depression is a nasty beast and can prevent you from doing the things and seeing the people that could make you feel better.
posted by crickets at 2:10 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Time to move on. I have been in a nearly identical situation. Met guy, hit it off super well, when we're together things are as close to perfect as I'd ever expect, he's obviously nuts over me AND YET something isn't working--it's difficult to get together sometimes, he's usually drunk or hungover, phone calls go unreturned, etc., but this is peppered with intermittent but excellent conversations, sleep overs and meet ups. Turned out he was unemployed, had a kid, thought he was too old for me, and generally didn't feel he should be dating. He was depressed and down about himself and I just wanted to help him. I did what you did--empathized--and it worked very temporarily. It didn't turn out well. When he finally stood me up one night, I left him a final message on his phone (a bit more confrontational than necessary but I'd never been stood up before and my initial reaction lacked a little grace) and never heard from him again nor did I contact him again. This happened years ago and I still have a bittersweet taste leftover from it. Your guy may be great and if timing were better you might have had something great with him, but it's not going to happen right now.
posted by Polychrome at 2:13 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

he sent me a text the next day apologizing and then told me that he really wasn't up for dating.

Believe what people tell you about themselves.

I repeat: Believe what people tell you about themselves.

There is no subtext. There is nothing to untangle. He sounds like a funny, talented guy who you like a lot. He is ALSO a funny, talented guy who you like a lot who isn't up for dating. These things can exist simultaneously, because sometimes chemistry and timing don't line up. That sucks when it happens, but yet... it happens. Nothing to do but to sigh, brush yourself off, and move on.
posted by scody at 2:27 PM on July 1 [9 favorites has favorites]

i'm starting to feel like maybe that wasn't true and now he hates me.

Oh, and another thing: stop catastrophizing. You have no idea if he hates your or not, but A) it is extremely unlikely, B) you have no control over it even if he does, and C) worrying about it is entirely counterproductive.
posted by scody at 2:29 PM on July 1

I say move on. But that doesn't mean he never liked you, and it doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It does, however, mean he's just gone through some major hell. What kind of a boyfriend could someone under that kind of strain be right now anyway? You're better off without him. At least for now. Your understanding tone might even inspire him to call you again some time when he's ready... but don't wait for him. There's someone else out there who isn't under the weight of a ton of baggage.
posted by katillathehun at 2:36 PM on July 1

Two things:

in the past year he's gotten divorced, had to sell his house (which he loved and misses), moved to a new place, lost his job, then had to move to a smaller place.

^This man is not ready to date you or anyone else for that matter.

I repeat: Believe what people tell you about themselves.
As my grandma would say, Scody ain't never lied ... but I would add to this: Believe people when they show you who they are. He flaked on a date because of hangover? Is he 16?

You can do better than this. Really.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 2:40 PM on July 1 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'm unemployed, and the stigma does make me reluctant to let new people into my life, let alone date. However, I'll also say that if a woman expressed a strong interest in me, I wouldn't turn her down unless I wasn't really into her. So, to answer your question, yeah, unemployment can make a guy less inclined to date. But it can also be used as a convenient let-down if he's not that into you.
posted by ambulatorybird at 2:42 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Believe people when they show you who they are.

Yep, I totally agree with that -- showing is really even more important than telling. (As any kindergartner will tell you.)
posted by scody at 2:48 PM on July 1

Catastrophizing is my new favorite word. Thanks, scody.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:12 PM on July 1

Check your memail, violetk.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:19 PM on July 1

told me that he really wasn't up for dating. after texting and calling a bunch of times to try to get in touch,

To hell with trying to figure him out.
When someone tells you they don't want to date you? Listen.
posted by aquafortis at 3:43 PM on July 1

Don't hate him for being flaky. But don't date him either.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:05 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

then told me that he really wasn't up for dating

Believe him. Given all the huge life transitions he's dealing with, there's every possibility he has no clear idea who he is or what he really wants at this time. He's redefining himself and finding out who he is without all the things which were part of his self-definition before. He's in the process of "becoming".

Even if you're successful in convincing him that you're exactly what he needs right now, there's a good chance that it will only be for "right now" - that you'll be his transitional relationship and his anchor point only until he works out what he really wants.

Being flaky and unstable for a couple of years following the loss of a major relationship is pretty normal. It really is about him and not you. By all means keep a distant friendship if you want to, but leave deciding whether or not he's relationship material until you see who he becomes when the post-divorce insanity passes - you mightn't even like that man.
posted by Lolie at 4:26 PM on July 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

where do i go from here?

You had one date with this guy and if I hadn't gone back and read you your linked post (and other past posts that I just perused), I would be hard-pressed to understand this question at all. It seems as though you built this guy up in your mind and romanticized a relationship before it had a chance to develop into one. This seems to be a bit of a pattern from what I can gather from your previous posts.

So where do you go from here? First, forget about this guy -- there is no hope for a relationship for him right now. He told you and has shown you this in many ways. As others have wisely said, believe him and move on. What is more interesting (and what you should be focusing on) is why you are struggling mightily to understand why he did not want to pursue a relationship after only one date. The why in this case simply doesn't matter since you did not, do not and will not have a relationship with him.

But you can use this as an opportunity to ask yourself why you care to understand his motives so much after one date. Sure, I get the excitement of meeting someone new that you seem to click with. And I also understand some disappointment after a great first date that doesn't go anywhere. Most people I know (including myself) have been there. But it is a minor disappointment that passes very quickly and without micro-analysis as to why it didn't go anywhere.

I think your time is better spent looking introspectively and ask why you are prone to build guys up without any foundation to support it. You did not know this guy. You did not have the chance to know him and whether he was all that. You just need to remind yourself that it takes a lot of time to truly know someone--I would say years but others may differ.

I know this may come across harsh, but I think you can spare yourself some future heartache and confusion if you seek the answers of your own reality as opposed to seeking the purely speculative opinions of internet strangers as to what a third party's motives might be for not pursuing a relationship with you.
posted by murrey at 5:23 PM on July 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

told me that he really wasn't up for dating.

We can talk for hours about this, but take his word on this. He could mean "not up for dating YOU," or "not up for dating PERIOD," but, he's not up for dating either way, don't waste your time. It sucks, I know. I've been there. Recently. It sucks! But it just is, and the more you dwell on it, the more it'll suck.

it's almost worse knowing that he likes me a lot

He doesn't like you a lot. If he did, you wouldn't be asking this. Sorry. He may think you're nice, and he probably had a good time when you hung out, but he doesn't like you a lot. He's trying to be the Nice Guy, or for some reason needs you to not think he's a jerk. Either way, not your problem. Also, he probably doesn't "hate" you. The world isn't "LOVE!" or "HATE!" I think the term you're looking for is indifference.
posted by AlisonM at 6:03 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Why do we choose who we choose and why do they choose us?

You are trying your best to choose a guy who can't keep his word, who lets alcohol affect his personal and professional life, who has made bad career choices, a bad mate choice, can't keep his marital commitment, and who is generally unpredictable.

What kind of person chooses someone like this? Is that the kind of person you want to be?

I know this isn't your question, but it's the elephant in the room. Unemployment affects everything, so just take that for granted. It seems prudent to look beyond that issue to the bigger question and its implications.

Why are you interested in choosing this type of person? Are you not interested in making a good mate choice? It's OK if you just wanna get laid, of course, but if you want a life, you'd best choose someone with demonstrated life skills or good chances of developing them.
posted by FauxScot at 6:18 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

He stood you up and told you he doesn't want to date. That might mean in general, it might be specific to you. It might be the unemployment, it might be the divorce, who knows. Point is, he said he's not interested, and has already ditched you once because he got too drunk the night before. Seriously, who goes out and gets shitfaced when they know they have plans the next day?

There's no magic word to make him fall for you. If he isn't interested you have no option but to move on. Life isn't as easy as romantic comedies lead us to believe. (and most of the stuff they show to win the guy/girl would just make them think you're insane, or get you arrested anyways)

after texting and calling a bunch of times to try to get in touch

Someone stands you up, apologizes in the single most impersonal way they can, well, it says something. It says they don't really care, and they're apologizing as a formality. He was HUNGOVER, for gods sake, not hospitalized. Last I checked, hangovers don't make one unable to operate a phone to, say, call and reschedule!
The proper response is to say "ah, he's a douche. Glad to find out now before we got serious!" not to blow up his phone with calls and texts. Someone stands you up, and then dodges your calls and ignores your texts? That's a big old neon-lit eyesore by the highway sign if ever there was one.

that when he decided to date again, i would hope that he'd give me a call.

Please, please, please, for your sake, do NOT wait for this guy. He is not worth it. You seem like a really sweet, caring person. The fact that you didn't let his being unemployed put you off dating him says a lot about you, as many (most, perhaps) folks do consider that a dealbreaker. Don't put your life on hold for something that may never happen. You deserve to be happy, either by yourself or with someone else. This guy may never come around, and who knows how much time you'll waste and how many opportunities you'll pass up because you're waiting for him. I've been there, I suspect most of us have, and it is horrid. Nothing makes you feel worse than waking up one day, realizing it will never happen, and looking back on all you missed hoping for it.

it's almost worse knowing that he likes me a lot too

If this was true you wouldn't have had to post this. He wouldn't have gotten trashed the night before your date, he would have called to reschedule instead of just standing you up, he would have apologized in person or at the very least over the phone, and he would not have avoided your calls after.

If you went out once, and right after he told you it wasn't right for him now because of his life issues I'd believe it was true. After the rest of what you said, though, I'd bet dollars to donuts that it was his way of letting you down gently.
posted by Kellydamnit at 11:13 PM on July 1 [3 favorites has favorites]

Encounter other gentlemen that respect you sufficiently to not cancel on you and send mixed signals with great regularity.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:40 AM on July 2

I remember your earlier question. Let's ask some rhetorical questions:

1. You originally went on one date how many weeks ago?
2. This guy is in his late 30s, right?
3. He told you he wasn't interested in dating?
4. He can't make a date because he is hungover?


Honestly, you need to be looking in the mirror on this one.

This is not a rhetorical question: What's missing in your life that demands this kind of obsessiveness over a drunk, immature, unemployed, disinterested-in-dating guy ?
posted by RajahKing at 7:45 AM on July 2 [8 favorites has favorites]

Some guys think unemployment means they're out of the dating pool because they think women wouldn't be interested. Some guys don't bother projecting opinions onto women, and just feel like a loser and thus don't feel up to dating. Some guys don't have their self-worth so tied to their jobs, and don't reject themselves in advance on behalf of all women. It's a mixed bag.

In your previous question thread, I encouraged you to call the guy. With the updated info that he's flaked out on you twice with the same lame hangover excuse and has announced that he's not up to dating... believe him. Lia said it well in answer #1. Move on, forget him, find another guy.

Things may or may not have gone differently with this guy if he were gainfully employed, but you'll never know, and it's not worth worrying about.
posted by Zed at 9:03 AM on July 2

Everyone gets one stand up freebie which they can exercise if they have a very good excuse (in hospital, flat tire, death in family). No one ever gets more than the one freebie. This rule will keep you sane. Good luck.
posted by bananafish at 9:46 AM on July 2 [2 favorites has favorites]

Many people want to help you disengage with this guy by fitting a one-variable model of his behavior. It's all explained by he's not respectful, or he's not into you, etc. There's no particular reason to believe these explanations; his behavior could be explained by a whole complex of things.

Truth is, you just need to figure out what you want, and do it.
posted by grobstein at 10:55 AM on July 2

The only reply you need to read on here is the one from RajaKing.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 11:26 AM on July 2