How do I surreptitiously vandalize a bicycle or get over the need for revenge?

July 1, 2009 12:17 PM

Workers at a restaurant downstairs (whom I believe I was pretty cool to) damaged and stole parts off of my bicycle. I fantasize about revenge almost every day. I don't want to physically harm them but I would love to find a clever way to damage their bikes without being caught. I would like the help of the Hive in either getting over these daily thoughts or a clever way to even the score.

We moved into a tiny Manhattan walkup apartment. My trusty Trek hybrid bicycle does not fit into the apartment and was also quite difficult to maneuver in the tiny building stairwell. I decided that until further notice I would just HAVE to find a way to keep it outside for the summer. NYC is notorious for bicycle theft so I purchased the best lock and chain I could find. I decided that a lock for the frame and both wheels would be to long and around 15 lbs so my chain covers the
frame and just one wheel.
There is a restaurant on the corner that delivers 24 hours. The cooks and busboys make the deliveries and keep all of the delivery bikes locked to poles outside the restaurant daily. This seemed like a smart, safe place to park my bike so I carefully chose a (city sign) pole that the delivery guys do not use for their bikes and locked mine up on that pole. I rarely ride, so my bike sat there undisturbed for a week or so. Eventually some of the delivery guys started locking their bikes to MY bike instead of their 3 poles they generally use. I guess this was quicker for them when they just had to run in and back out and they could use a simple kryptonite type of "horseshoe" lock to attach to my bike frame instead of the huge, heavy chains like I use. I could not understand how they thought they had the right to do this to my property and it made me really angry. The locks were scratching my frame a bit but since it was an older imperfect bike, I dealt with it although I wondered how they thought I'd feel when it was time to ride my bike and they were locked to it. EVERY day I passed my bike and 80% of the time there was a different bike locked to it even though they had plenty of space for theirs. This started to really piss me off but I thought "these guys have a hard job and perhaps a hard life, I don't want to make it harder. I thought maybe if I was considerate, they would be as well (and nice to my bike). One nice saturday I decided to ride and there was a bike attached to mine. I thought I'd skip talking to their Mgr. and instead went to the side door that goes right to the kitchen. I asked them to please "free" my bike so i could ride it. They sent a guy out to remove the bike. I than nicely asked if they would at least make sure that whoever locks a bike to mine does NOT leave the premises with it that way. I thought that sent a really nice message as I didn't make them stop, I just asked that they be available should I want to use my bike. They all said they didn't speak english (in ENGLISH), so I just left.
Weeks went by with me silently growing more angry and the damage getting worse. They were now slamming their bikes into mine with sufficient force to dislodge parts. My brakes were smacked in a way that they came apart (they looked quite broken but they just needed to be reassembled). I was coming back from a night out 3 days ago and I saw two of the delivery/kitchen guys kneeling near my bike. I (for some reason) assumed they were fixing my brake that they broke so I thought nothing of it and went on upstairs. The next morning my rear wheel, chain and derailleur were missing.
I was pretty angry about this already but I am now consumed with thoughts of revenge. I am a 200 Lbs. trained pugilist and won't get any joy from pummeling a group of 5"5, 35ish busboys but i dream of squirting mixed and ready epoxy onto their gearsets, Cutting gearshift cables, and flattening a tire every time I pass by with my grade school protractor almost daily.

I could use the help of two very different types of MetaFilter members.

How do I stop being furious about this?

OR!

How do I slickly vandalize 3 bicycles without stopping near them for
very long?

posted by Studiogeek to Human Relations (20 answers total)

How do I slickly vandalize 3 bicycles without stopping near them forvery long?

This is not what Ask MetaFilter is for. Flagged.
posted by grouse at 12:25 PM on July 1, 2009

Turn the other cheek version: Chalk this up as a lesson in not leaving any property you value on the street. Get a folding bike that will fit in your apartment and perhaps even start patronizing the restaurant.

Slow burn version: Keep your bashed bike frame there as bait. Keep a utility knife in your pocket when you pass by. Every time you come across a bike locked to yours, it somehow manages to get a flat tire or two. Post a sign above your bike in the native language of the delivery boys, advertising innertubes for sale.
posted by de void at 12:26 PM on July 1, 2009

Sorry so say this, but starting a war with people who are spending hours of the day near your bike while you're not there is going to backfire in a huge way.
posted by Comrade_robot at 12:27 PM on July 1, 2009

You could go into the kitchen every other day and yell, "IMMIGRATION, NOBODY MOVE. I REPEAT NOBODY MOVE. INMIGRACIÓN, nadie se mueva. Repito, nadie se mueva."
posted by foooooogasm at 12:29 PM on July 1, 2009

My thoughts:
Revenge won't work. First it is more fun to plan than it is to have carried it off and ruined someone's property (even if they deserve it). Second, they are very likely to assume it is you even if there is not evidence at all that you did it. That will up the ante in a very unpleasant way. Third, it is bad karma and/or bad for your soul. What kind of person do you want to be in life? Vengeful or happy?

My advice: find a different place to chain your bike, even if it is a little further away. That can't be the only city pole near your home and if your bike is no longer convenient to the restaurant, they won't bother it. Once it is moved out of harm's way, you can rejoice in overcoming your instincts to revenge every time you pass the restaurant. (If revenge is fun, so is feeling superior. Of course, an actual superior person wouldn't indulge in those thoughts at the expense of others, but you got allow yourself some pleasure out of this.
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on July 1, 2009

Regardless of whether you want to get revenge or not, you really need to find another place to park your bike. If you don't use it much, perhaps a friend who lives in the neighborhood could store it for you? And going after the bikes probably won't do much good - unless there's a way you could make life difficult for the restaurant owner (without putting yourself in the line of fire) so that he puts pressure on the staff to stop vandalizing your bike, it'll be hard to stop them. And even if this restaurant wasn't there, you really shouldn't park a bike on the street and expect no damage.
posted by Calloused_Foot at 12:29 PM on July 1, 2009

You do know that a public sign post is not "yours", right?

Sorry, but you've learned a lesson the hard way (if I chain my bike up in public in NYC, something might happen to it, so I assume the risk). Lesson learned - let go.

You're out numbered by the bus boys and they are around more than you are, no good will come of messing with them.
posted by cestmoi15 at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2009

Um . . you pretty much sat back and watched the damage happen? Taking some personal responsibility/ accountability (knowing you should have moved your bike permanently, or found another place to put it) might help with the anger, and you should consider putting a personal plan in place to avoid self-destructive leanings. You might ask the business to pay you for the bike.

Criminal acts on your part are stupid and can land you in a world of hurt. See The World Famous.
posted by inkyr2 at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2009

I agree. Not worth the problems that might come after you have "evened the scrore." Guy that vandalize will quickly assume that you are the perp they need to get back at. But if you must: unscrew cap to tire so air escapes and tire goes flat. No serious damage but very inconvenient for the bike owner.
posted by Postroad at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2009

Response by poster: Grouse,
The revenge is mostly a fantasy..... but it helps me feel better. Why not answer the first question rather than tattle?
SG
posted by Studiogeek at 12:32 PM on July 1, 2009

Pedals are easy to take off. Leave them at the front of the restaurant.
posted by notsnot at 12:32 PM on July 1, 2009

Response by poster: Grouse,
The revenge is mostly a fantasy..... but it helps me feel better. Why not answer the first question rather than tattle? I really just want to talk about it as that seems to help.
SG
posted by Studiogeek at 12:33 PM on July 1, 2009

Response by poster: Grouse,
The revenge is mostly a fantasy..... but it helps me feel better. Why not just answer the first question rather than tattle? I really just want to talk about it as that seems to help.
SG
posted by Studiogeek at 12:33 PM on July 1, 2009

Response by poster: PS: I no longer park there.
posted by Studiogeek at 12:34 PM on July 1, 2009

OR go talk to their manager and let him know you have evidence of them screwing with your property while he was paying them to work on his. Let him know that you have a camera pointed at the location from a friends apartment and the next time any vandalism happens to your bike, you will be calling the police and then taking his joint to small claims court as they are acting as agents of his company.

That should make 1 of 2 things happen:

1. They quit fucking with your bike.

2. The manager tells you to fuck off and your bike gets totally destroyed. Police presence at your discretion.
posted by Gravitus at 12:35 PM on July 1, 2009

you never actually asked anyone of authority to stop this. many people who don't speak english learn how to say "i don't speak english". you spend a good deal of you actual questioning part asking how to get revenge. you make vague threats in relation to your size and their size. you add in a pithy "how do i get over this" to try and skate by the rules of the site.

but, really, asking metafilter how to vandalize someone else's property is inappropriate.

i'm with grouse. flagged.
posted by nadawi at 12:38 PM on July 1, 2009

And if you must - bend the front derailleur cage so that it always rubs the chain no matter what.
posted by Calloused_Foot at 12:39 PM on July 1, 2009

You really can't expect to chain a bike up in a public street for weeks at a time without it being damaged or destroyed. You need to either find a better place for your bike, or sell it and get a disposable clunker.

If you rarely ride, maybe you don't need a bike?

But if you must: unscrew cap to tire so air escapes and tire goes flat.

I don't think that's how it works.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:39 PM on July 1, 2009

How do I stop being furious about this?

Hobbies are good for this. Throw yourself into a hobby. Suggested first hobby: Finding and installing a hanging/wall bicycle rack in your apartment (takes up less space, so you can store it inside your home instead of on the public street).
posted by Houstonian at 12:40 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

They obviously either consider that area to be "theirs" (and assumed that by locking their bikes to yours, you'd realize this and stop locking it there) and when you upped the ante by confronting them (no matter how nicely) they upped the ante again. This may not have been your intention, but that's the way people think sometimes. That they were passive-aggressive about it (stealing parts, damaging your bike, and locking theirs to yours at all) is just a reflection of them being smaller than you -- if the physical sizes were reversed, I'm sure they would have been in-your-face about it instead.

One thing you've learned: the next time you see someone fucking with your bike, or locking their bike to yours, don't passively assume the best -- assume the worst, and act accordingly. I'm sure if you had caught those guys in the act, snapped a picture, then called the cops, things would have gone differently.

It's too late to fix what's happened, so figure out a way to stop locking your bike there, or anywhere nearby. Don't patronize the restaurant, tell the story briefly if anyone ever suggests that restaurant, and move on with your life. At least it's just a bike.

Similar: a bunch of us went out to Miyagi's on Sunset Boulevard, and one of our cars was damaged by the valet. They wouldn't own up to it, and one guy actually yanked the card out of the owner's hand and quickly scribbled on it, marking it as "pre-existing damage", then handed it back with a shit-eating grin and walked away. So, whenever I have the opportunity (such as now) I mention it, and then other people can decide whether they want to entrust their car to the valet parking at Miyagi's on Sunset Boulevard.
posted by davejay at 12:42 PM on July 1, 2009