Baby, someone is crazy and it's you

July 1, 2009 7:10 AM

Personal Drama Filter: One of my best friends doesn't understand why all his friends keep leaving him. I do. Long, dramatic explanation after the jump.

So a friend of mine, who we will call Roland, is causing huge amounts of drama in our social circle. Roland is a nice guy who's helped me through a bit of my personal drama (shoulder to cry on during breakup, etc), and I want to be there for him when he has his own problems. However, a few months ago, he started relying on me as his only source of emotional support. I didn't have the energy to be his entire emotional support network-- I've been struggling with my own depression, and dealing with his anxiety attacks and depressive outburts were way too much for me to handle, so I backed away as much as I can. There were a few days where I was completely unavailable (my girlfriend was leaving for summer and I was spending as much time with her as I could), and he thought I was getting in too deep with her too fast-- which I'm sure was more because I was suddenly unavailable to him than because he was actually worried about me.

More recently, he's started dating someone (we'll call him Rich) who's hurt him pretty badly and caused a fair amount of drama (this was about 9 months ago). He's adopted Rich's friends group more than the little group of us that he usually hung out with. We're okay with this-- our attempts to include him when we hang out lately have been very tense.

Additionally, his roommate has become so tired of his demands about quiet and passive-aggressive behavior that he decided to move out. They're in the process of packing up the apartment at the moment.

He's making a lot less emotional demands on me now than he has in the past, but I'm worried about being his emotional support network when the other shoe drops with Rich. I also feel caught between him and our other friends-- including his roommate-- who I have been spending far more time with than I've been spending with him lately.

The last details: Roland is transgendered (FtM). He appears *very* feminine and most people assume he is female on first glance (he has undergone no surgery and no hormone therapy). He has anxiety (he has been diagnosed) and, I believe, depression (my best guess, probably caused by the anxiety). He blames most of his problems on being transgendered. He refuses to take medication for anxiety because of bad experiences with ADD meds in youth.

It seems as if he is unwilling to make the changes he needs to in order to make himself happier (going out and meeting more people, getting on antianxiety medications, learning to drive so he does not have to rely on friends for rides, etc.).

I don't know if I should tell him what exactly he's been doing wrong I don't know if I should continue trying to be his friend at all, since he's been a consistant source of stress for me (though less now that he's been dating Rich). Do I just let us continue to drift apart, as we already have been doing, and just be his video game and roleplaying buddy? Do I tell him what it is that he does that drives his friends away?

(Other potential essential details: We're around 20, as are all our other friends, and in college. I'm female. Anon because it would be possible to find out who Roland is from the info provided if I posted under my own name, and he's not out as transgendered)

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

Some people need their problems. Be it medical or psychological or physical, you see just about every manifestation of this some time or another. The problem becomes the person. You have to decide if you want to be a part of the show.

You are responsible for other people's problems only insomuch as you take responsibility for them.

It's time Roland finds his song.
posted by foooooogasm at 7:30 AM on July 1

Do I just let us continue to drift apart, as we already have been doing, and just be his video game and roleplaying buddy? Do I tell him what it is that he does that drives his friends away?

Hey, don't underestimate the value of a good video game and roleplaying buddy when going through a long rough phase. "You have problems and these are difficult and deep and too difficult for me to be able to help or even listen to. I am depressed too. I CAN'T HELP WITH THEM. So if you want, we can keep playing, but let's try to keep these deep, difficult things out of it, ok?" If he agrees and really tries to keep that stuff out, then you are giving him few hours leave from all that drama and that is what he should have and that is where he should be going, away from the bad drama.
posted by Free word order! at 7:31 AM on July 1

If he hasn't asked what's 'wrong' with him, I wouldn't volunteer it, as you might find him less than receptive. If he were a very good friend, you might be inclined to tell him what you think he could change to make himself happier, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I would let it play out organically, and assess whether you want to meet his needs from you when it happens, and you know what those needs are.
posted by troywestfield at 7:33 AM on July 1

Roland's being transgendered has nothing to do with the fact that YOU can't be a repository for all his emotional baggage - even if you wanted to. It's perfectly fine to be a sounding board, and it's absolutely appropriate for friends to listen, express sympathy/empathy, and be there when people need to vent. But we all have a need for boundaries and it sounds like Roland is seriously testing yours. I think it's perfectly O.K. to tell him that you absolutely value his friendship, and are willing to do all those things mentioned above, but you simply cannot allow your time to be monopolized and are not equipped to play the role of his therapist (I'd phrase it in less harsh terms if I could think of them at the moment

Additionally, I don't think any amount of cajoling with Roland will get him to change if he's been so stubborn up to this point. He may feel it necessary to do so once he feels the fire getting to hot, but I think any attempt on your part to explain to him what he's doing wrong is just setting yourself up for a very long, "Yeah, but this is why I'm like this, and this is why I do that, and no one understands me and I'm so completely unique" type response - which is very hard to not only be burdened with but to respond to in a way that will make any sense to him.

I would suggest to continue being a good friend while making sure your own needs are met (ie.. always be friendlym but distance yourself if you need to.) With any luck, he'll get the hint.
posted by Rewind at 7:33 AM on July 1

Being the sole source of emotional support for another person is exhausting and impossible to sustain. If I were you, I'd be thankful that Roland is drifting away. You can't fix him, and it sounds like at this point in his life he's not ready to fix himself.

If he drifts back toward you, you may need to have a conversation directly addressing his issues. I've had such a conversation with a similar person, and it resulted in that person not talking to me for a couple years (which was fine by me: not talking to me = not expecting me to be their sole emotional support). Our friendship has since resumed, both of us having grown up a little, but it's now on steadier legs because she no longer thinks of me as an emotional ATM, just as a friend, and I am able to be a better, more supportive friend because I'm not cringing at her demands anymore. All that's by way of saying that it's not healthy for Roland to expect you to be his entire emotional support system and it's not healthy for you to try to be that for him. If you're going to be/remain good friends, you each need to learn how to navigate his drama and personal issues in a way that is healthy for both of you. It's better to end or suspend a friendship than to reinforce an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:45 AM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Do you think he would go to therapy if you suggested it? Few things are as frustrating as trying to help someone who won't help themselves.
posted by heather-b at 7:46 AM on July 1

Even though being direct and honest may feel hazardous to your friendship, there really is very little danger. Honesty is the best anyone can do. Manipulating your own actions to navigate your friend's hangups is neither necessary nor beneficial to either of you. Sit him down, offer him a cup of tea, and tell him what's good in your life and what's problematic in your life. Then tell him you are troubled him as well, and need to lay it all out. Then proceed to do so.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, you have the right, as well as a duty to yourself and your loved ones, to say so. You can't be a life preserver if you are sinking.
posted by zennie at 9:02 AM on July 1

I would set aside the question of where his problems are coming from. Suppose he's right and they really do all stem from the fact that he doesn't pass. Or suppose you're right and they're symptoms of an untreated psychiatric disorder. Or, hell, suppose they're caused by space rays from Pluto. The important question stays the same: How do you help inspire him to do something about those problems instead of flailing around making drama or dumping on you?

It sounds like therapy would be a very good idea for this guy, and if you think you can motivate him to get some that would be awesome. Barring that, being a friend with boundaries is great if you can do it, and telling him to shape up or back off is great if you can't. But either way, if you're trying to diagnose him — either in a formal psychiatric sense or in an informal you know what your problem is, buddy? sense — you're already in deeper than you want to be.

I mean, look: If you try to troubleshoot his life, you're taking his burden on your shoulders. And it sounds like you want him to shoulder his own damn burden — which is a good and healthy thing to want. But it means you need to let go of the portion of his burden that you've taken on and quit trying to troubleshoot for him. Hang out, chat, do him a favor now and then, give him friendly advice if he asks, send him to a paid expert if he needs more advice than you can dish out for free, but make it clear — to Roland and to yourself — that figuring his shit out is ultimately his job and nobody else's.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:22 AM on July 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

Could you help him find a therapist or support group that specializes in issues that transgendered people face? Being as he's not out, he may need a really big emotional crutch because he may feel like he's living a lie / double life / split identity or something. Maybe a professional telling him that "its all cool" will allow him to be more comfotable with himself, less anxious, and less needy of vast amounts of outside emotional support.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:36 AM on July 1

(Other potential essential details: We're around 20, as are all our other friends, and in college. I'm female. Anon because it would be possible to find out who Roland is from the info provided if I posted under my own name, and he's not out as transgendered)

I don't understand this part. Is Roland living a female identity in public, even though he's a man who was female-assigned-at-birth? Because of course he's a mess if that's the situation, but it's not fair of him to rely on you to fix it--as WeekendJen says, there are support groups that could help him.

Or is Roland living a male identity and not disclosing that he was female-assigned-at-birth? That could also be very stressful and, again, support groups of other people dealing with similar issues would be key.

Bottom line is that you need to draw your own boundaries, interact with Roland as much as you feel comfortable with, and encourage him to get help in whatever way he feels okay about, whether it's therapy or support groups or online support groups or whatever works for him.

If Roland is currently living a female identity and dating a man who doesn't know that he (Roland) is a man, that's a pretty messed-up and stressful situation; if Roland is currently living a male identity and dating a man who knows that Roland is a man who has a female genotype and phenotype, but Roland doesn't want anyone else to know about the female-assigned-at-birth aspect of his identity, that's going to be an equally stressful situation. In either case, putting the weight of a secret like that on a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:46 AM on July 1

FtM means "female to male"; Roland was born a girl, and is now living as a man.
posted by chowflap at 10:55 AM on July 1

FtM means "female to male"; Roland was born a girl, and is now living as a man.

Yes.

The thing is that it's not clear from the post what it is that Roland is keeping secret. I have known trans people who lived their birth-assigned identity for years, and only disclosed their real gender identity to a small circle of friends. This would not be at all unusual in a trans person who was in college in their 20s.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:03 AM on July 1