Do I need to change or doe sthe dynamic?

July 1, 2009 6:05 AM

After 4 years in a relationship do you work it out or am I the cause and need to change?

I've been with my partner for 4+ years. We don't live together or are planning on getting married soon either. Here's one of the issues, I'm ready. We're both in our late 20s with great stable jobs and in (what i think is) a loving understanding relationship.
Recently my SO has decided to become more "independent" (ie traveling with friends, weekends with friends, friends night out- I am not included). While I encourage this, vacations together seem to be completely put on hold or brushed off. I have numerous family engagements out of town that my SO knows i would like SO to be at that are just brushed off. My SO family lives near by 1hr drive away and we see them often at least once a month. My family is cross country and my SO has only been out there twice.
I am also part of a wedding party in a far off tropical location and no dice on this one either.
That being said: there's also an ex who i have an issue with. About 2 years ago my SO went to stay with his ex (and mutual friends) for a weekend and did not tell me. Recently my SO and I had a huge discussion about my SO traveling for the ex's birthday. We compromised and my SO went for one day.
I truly believe I wouldnt have an issue with many of these things if i felt secure about the relationship.
My SO has been picking at my personality in ways that are demeaning now too. I've always been a jokester- doesnt like my jokes, i've always been a social person- now im talking too much. Shhshs me in public, interrups conversations etc. (people notice too!)
What to do. I know you don't know us, but i'm sure you've been at this place before.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total)

You missed the third option: he's messing with you.

I have seen this before. When one partner wants to be so independent they ignore doing things together with their S.O. what they really want is to be single or at the very least to be out of the current relationship. Now, when I've seen this done it was because the dude was too much of a douche to initiate the breakup himself but this may or may not be the norm.

So yeah, sorry, he wants out.

Also, he sounds like a dick. It's probably for the best.
posted by Loto at 6:12 AM on July 1, 2009 [19 favorites]

This person is treating you like dirt. Even if you do manage to save the relationship, you're going to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt.

They shush you in public? DTMFA.
posted by Solomon at 6:12 AM on July 1, 2009 [8 favorites]

I hate to be DTMFA, but I don't think this guy is very interested in you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:13 AM on July 1, 2009

(The OP was very careful not to specify the gender of the SO, and I think we should respect that.)

You need to talk with your partner. Talk about the fact that you would like to spend more time together. Talk about what you each want out of your relationship over the next few months, years, and potentially longer. Talk about how you feel when your SO behaves in the way you've described above. Ask your SO what's going on.

If your SO blows off the conversation, s/he isn't taking your needs seriously, and you need to think about whether this is the relationship for you.
posted by decathecting at 6:22 AM on July 1, 2009

four years is a long time. if after four years this is how he communicates his dissatisfication, he is an asshole. you should be pissed, and you should dump him without hesitation for all the reasons you just listed here.
posted by molecicco at 6:24 AM on July 1, 2009

decathecting: the OP says he was visiting "his ex"... I think it's pretty safe to assume the partner is a dude.
posted by Loto at 6:26 AM on July 1, 2009

Based on what you have said, and along the same lines as Loto's reasoning, I suspect he might be cheating on you. Maybe not, though.

Let's assume for the moment that he isn't cheating. Regardless, it's been four years and rather than becoming closer to you, he's distancing himself. He is willing to travel for his ex, but not for you, even when it's important to you. You are a jokester and he doesn't like your jokes, he thinks you talk too much, and he shushes you in public. Aside from the fact that he's clearly not interested in marriage, why do you even want to marry someone who treats you like this? There's nothing objectively wrong with wanting more independence or not wanting a partner that's social, but he sounds like a terrible match for you and he's not doing a great job of being tactful about it.

I don't like to tell people to DTMFA, but... DTMFA.
posted by Nattie at 6:26 AM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

The OP was very careful not to specify the gender of the SO, and I think we should respect that.

I think we can safely assume the gender (male) with this statement:

"About 2 years ago my SO went to stay with his ex (and mutual friends) for a weekend and did not tell me."
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:28 AM on July 1, 2009

About 2 years ago my SO went to stay with his ex

The OP did refer to the SO's gender, decathecting, although not to his/her own.
posted by cabingirl at 6:29 AM on July 1, 2009

There are two types of relationships out there: those which are leading to marriage and kids and station wagons and trips to the home improvement store, and those that are just in a comfortable rut.

I would argue that neither is superior to the other, though for much of my 20s I thought that later was the way to go.

Problems arise when two people want incompatible forms of relationships. It sounds like you want to settle down, and this guy is fine coasting along, with occasional sock hops with the ex. He thinks you want to get more serious, he doesn't want that, and he's testing his boundaries.

He's going to wind up walking all over you.

Which is why it's probably best to get out sooner rather than later.
posted by wfrgms at 6:45 AM on July 1, 2009 [5 favorites]

I truly believe I wouldnt have an issue with many of these things if i felt secure about the relationship.

What exactly is the point of being in a "secure" relationship with someone who refuses to do what a partner does? I'm not talking about a clingy, needy partnered relationship in which neither person can/wants to function independently. I'm talking about a basic, functioning relationship in which the partners can rely on each other when necessary and enjoy each other's company.

It's great that you're supportive of his need to be independent and do things with his friends. However, he's not being supportive of your needs within the relationship. And he's picking on you. I would urge you to think seriously about how this person is treating you, and whether or not it's how you want to be treated long-term. If after four years he hasn't taken your requests seriously and has not changed his behavior at all, it's pretty safe to assume he's going to keep neglecting and belittling you--because he knows that's how he can act within this relationship and keep you around. There could easily be another person in your orbit who could both appreciate your respect for another person's needs AND reciprocate that respect for yours.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:45 AM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ahhh the old "I want to break up but am too much of a wimp so I will treat the other person like crap and hope they eventually break up with me." A classic. It means several things: 1) your SO doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore 2) you are in a relationship with someone who is immature and kind of a dick. Sorry.
posted by ND¢ at 6:50 AM on July 1, 2009 [20 favorites]

Everyone, including you, should be with someone who actually enjoys their company.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:02 AM on July 1, 2009 [6 favorites]

NDc nailed it. He's pushing you to break up with him by being mean to you, whether he realizes it or not.
posted by heather-b at 7:03 AM on July 1, 2009

the old "I want to break up but am too much of a wimp so I will treat the other person like crap and hope they eventually break up with me."

There's also a variation on this, where (they think that) they want to stay together, but are just getting tired of the partner's foibles, and they shouldn't have to put up with all that, and the partner should be happy that you guys are even together, let alone nag about what's going on when you're apart...

That variation has all of the bitchiness of the standard, and also makes the partner question their self-worth.

OP -- You are funny. People know you may talk a lot but still enjoy the presence you bring. You certainly have faults, but they are perfectly lovable. The partner is simply getting tired of the relationship, and finding petty reasons to rationalize their annoyance at you.

You can confront them about it, but understand that only you changing will not solve anything.

Note that the above doesn't apply if you actually have had a recent personality change due to life or chemical imbalance, but hopefully a good partner would notice this and suggest a doctor
posted by FuManchu at 7:07 AM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

To my eye he is already acting as though the relationship is over. Ask him plainly if he is committed to being with you or if he is moving on. If he respects you and has moved on in his heart (which again, it sounds very much like he has), then he owes you the truth and the freedom to move on.
posted by Billegible at 7:12 AM on July 1, 2009

It sounds like your partner is with you out of convenience and doesn't actually want to be with you. Someone who wants to be with you would, you know, actually want to spend time with you. Really sorry.
posted by meerkatty at 7:14 AM on July 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

My guess is that the only reason you haven't already pulled the plug on this relationship is that you're in denial, because you don't want to be single, to have to "start over." Understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that what you've described sounds like a relationship whose good days are over.
posted by jon1270 at 7:31 AM on July 1, 2009

You've already been dumped, he just hasn't had the guts to tell you.
posted by missmagenta at 7:37 AM on July 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

It makes me sad that you're asking if you need to change in order to save this relationship. All the previous responses are right on. He wants you to break up with him because he isn't mature enough to break up with you. From your description, he does not seem to be kind and loving towards you. He is treating you very badly. It's hard to accept that it's probably over, especially if you're in a frame of mind to settle down, but it doesn't sound to me like he's a good prospect for a long happy life together. You deserve much better. Should you change? Absolutely. Start by refusing to be treated poorly. Hold your head up high and walk away from him.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:46 AM on July 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

Clearly he's not making the same effort on things as you would like, and that's gotta hurt. If you keep making these bigger and bigger sacrifices in order to keep the relationship going, you'll end up resenting him in the long run. It really doesn't sound like he's pursuing this in the longer term direction that you'd like, and ending things now might allow you to move on and find someone (or have someone find you) that really is interested in those things.

Best of luck.
posted by fantasticninety at 8:00 AM on July 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

There's a psychologist, John Gottman, who is mentioned a lot on AskMe for his research into relationships and things that mark failing relationships. One of the biggest things is Contempt.

My SO has been picking at my personality in ways that are demeaning now too. I've always been a jokester- doesnt like my jokes, i've always been a social person- now im talking too much. Shhshs me in public, interrups conversations etc. (people notice too!)

This has Contempt written all over it. If this doesn't change, the relationship will (and should, for your sake) fail.
posted by heatherann at 8:43 AM on July 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

One small warning, my ex acted like this almost to a tee, except for the spending time with his ex factor. And when I finally got the nerve to dump him not only was he shocked, but he *begged* for me to give him a second chance. So much did he beg, that I was swayed and convinced that he could change and stop being an ass so I conceded to giving us a second chance.

His nicer attitude and better behavoir lasted all of two weeks. Then he was back to shushing me, telling me I wasn't funny, explaining to me that the reason we had problems was because I was a nag.

Fortunately by then, he'd moved out and I could remove him from life easier than when he lived with me.

So be prepared if you do DTMFA for some possible drama and begging. And above all, no matter what he says, DON'T. GIVE. IN.
posted by teleri025 at 8:49 AM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Of the many pieces of advice my mother freely shared, this one seemed most true to me over time: If someone wants to be with you, they will. No excuses, no BS, nothing. They will. Given that, it's clear your SO wants to be elsewhere.

I've been in a relationship where the person denigrated me until I had almost no idea who I really was. I knew I was being treated poorly but I just couldn't admit that things were that bad. Once I was out of there, I looked back and thought "Oh my God. What was I doing???"

I empathize with you. This must be very hard for you and I see your courage in asking for advice here. Good luck with all of it.
posted by Mysticalchick at 9:23 AM on July 1, 2009 [7 favorites]

GEt rid of him and find someone who treats you better. He's prioritizing his ex over you - that's not ok.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:55 AM on July 1, 2009

This whole situation is going to end badly for you no matter what. However, right now, you have the option of taking control of how it ends or having the ending imposed on you.

Dump him.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:46 AM on July 1, 2009

Dump him. You will feel sad, and like maybe you made a mistake, for a little while. Then the fog will clear, and you'll get very angry at finally seeing what an asshole he turned into. And it will make getting over him a lot easier.
posted by chowflap at 10:57 AM on July 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

At this point in your lives, you want different things. Neither of you is "right" or "wrong" for wanting what you want, but your wants and needs might now be incompatible.

You're "ready" now, the person with whom you're in a relationship is not. No-one's at fault for that or needs to change, but you do need to determine whether or not he sees himself as being ready within a time-frame that's OK with you. Is this the last burst of independence prior to "settling down" or is it a change of direction?

What is concerning is that you're being criticised a lot. I'd be worried that even if he becomes "ready", then you'll just be in a committed relationship with someone who treats you badly. While it's possible that some aspects of your personality are difficult to deal with, you want a partner who will address that with kindness not one who makes you feel like you're under attack whenever you don't do, say, think or feel what they believe you should. The way he's handling the aspects of your personality he doesn't like is a much bigger red flag for me than you being at different places regarding your readiness for commitment.
posted by Lolie at 4:15 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

it's not you, it's him. i would move on.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:23 PM on July 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Or, the advice a friend gave me a very long time ago: if this is how he treats you when he's courting you, how will he be when you're married. Note, friend was old fashioned. Don't think I've ever heard someone say 'courting' before or after.

You can do LOTS better! Let him go party and find someone who appreciates you.
posted by x46 at 4:28 AM on July 2, 2009

Run!

This sounds like a pretty crap relationship. Your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
posted by chunking express at 11:50 AM on July 2, 2009