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Two grad students and a baby?
June 30, 2009 9:18 AM Subscribe

I just got the little pink plus sign on the pee stick, and my boyfriend is thrilled - I'm ambivalent. Unplanned pregnancy, and the graduate student, how does it work?

Just from the get-go, deciding whether to continue the pregnancy or not is not what I'm asking here.

In the fall, I'm starting a graduate program in a separate field from my undergrad studies. The due date would be roughly late Feb/early March. I was recently laid off, and am collecting unemployment. In the fall, I am guaranteed employment as part of my aid package.

My boyfriend and I do not live together. He would move in with me over the course of the embiggening of my belly. He is finishing up a master's in philosophy (I know), and plans on getting certified for teaching secondary education (which is roughly a 1.5-2 year process in this state).

So here's the deal - my undergrad degree is not the most helpfull on the jobs market, but I am starting a two year's master's program in a field with strong job outlooks (that also happens to be one of my passions, lucky me!). The boyfriend's grad degree is not exactly a financial windfall, but his plans for teacher certification allow for envisioning a steady middle class future between the two of us.

Also, one of my program requirements is a summer internship between first and second years - so that would be this summer, when baby would be 3-4 months old. Oh, and the internship is usually done abroad. Three months away from baby when s/he's three months old? Is that allowed?

I understand that as a result of just our educational goals alone, he and I are destined to be cash-strapped for the next two years. How can we add a baby to the mix, and still pursue career and education goals that are necessary to ultimately providing that baby with a good life?

Have any of you done the poor grad student years with a baby? Did you finish on time? Did you receive government assistance? How did things work out?

posted by anonymous to human relations (53 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

There are currently two women in my grad program who have gone through with pregnancies. You will be facing extreme difficulty.
posted by fake at 9:20 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]

Would your boyfriend be willing to put his education on hold and stay with the child while you were abroad?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:26 AM on June 30

Although you are partnered, you might check out this recent NY Times blog post soliciting advice for a young, single, pregnant woman about to start grad school. The followup is here.
posted by vilthuril at 9:38 AM on June 30 [3 favorites]

Do either of your graduate programs have a maternity leave/family leave policy? While academia is notorious for providing poor support to those starting families, especially women, it is worth checking to see what sort of policies your institutions have in place.
posted by shaun uh at 9:41 AM on June 30

I haven't done this myself, but I've seen plenty of people do some permutation of this. I think you are right to be ambivalent. I have to warn you that, though people do successfully have children in grad school, their first year (or two, which brings you about to the end of an MA program) is about the worst possible time to be doing so. The first year is incredibly stressful and tiring at the best of times, and adding a pregnancy into that mix is really hard. You will probably have to take mostly incompletes your second semester, as (given that you should be due in the middle of it) you most likely just won't be able to finish it out (and if you did manage to, you would not be getting the grades you should). I don't see how the internship you describe would work. In the second year, the challenge would be to balance your time between child-care and work, which is also extremely hard.

When I've seen grad students successfully negotiate pregnancies (where the standard of success is that they also complete their grad program on time while succeeding academically), it has been 4th-5th year phd students, done with both coursework and many of their teaching responsibilities, able to work home, and with a partner who is willing to do a substantial amount of the child-care (ideally also working from home); certainly much more than is the social norm for the male parent. Also, it isn't exactly money that is the issue (two grad student salaries will probably bring you into the lower middle class range, which though perhaps not comfortable, is a lot better than just one grad student salary), but time.
posted by advil at 9:41 AM on June 30

You've not mentioned anything about a current income, so I assume there is no income between the two of you right now.

So, not specifically about students, but more broadly about people with no income you might consider (right away) the following:

- WIC, a nutrition program for pregnant and breastfeeding women, infants, and children under the age of 5.

- Public housing assistance, if you are not in/cannot get in graduate housing as a family

- Medicaid, a medical assistance program to help with prenatal and birthing medical costs (assuming that you are not covered/cannot continue coverage via your parents' insurance or student insurance, or can no longer afford insurance)

- Food stamps, to help with non-taxable food items
posted by Houstonian at 9:43 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]

Bah, I just saw that you will have employment. You still may qualify for assistance, though, especially as you will be a household of 3 people.
posted by Houstonian at 9:46 AM on June 30

Are you questioning whether or not you want to have a baby/have a baby with him or are you questions only about the timing/logistics? If you do want to have a child and do want to have a child with him but just aren't sure you can make it work:

Call the university's family services offices and ask what their policies are about parental leaves, childcare for grad students, and anything else they have relevant to having a baby. Find out if you can do your internship domestically or how people with children do it. You're not the first person in this masters program to have a child. Ditto for your boyfriend's university and employer. This is the kind of info you need to make a decision. No one on ask.me knows these things.

Second, remember that having a baby isn't something one does next March for a year or so. Having a kid is for the rest of your life. Given that, I would consider asking yourself the following: If you're not quite ready to have a baby in March, might it be the case that given that you would be preparing starting now, in March 2012 you might be ready to have a two year old? In 2015 would you be equipped to have a 5 year old? In other words, ask yourself how long the logistical difficulties will last/how long it will take you to make over your life in a way that makes a child logistically easier. It's possible that it will be really hard and sucky for a couple of years and then will be everything it is that you would want about having a child. Or it's possible that this would put enough stress on your life and relationship that it would throw you into a downward mobility/financial/emotional spiral and you would never quite recover. You need to figure out if you see yourself with a child in two years emerging frazzled but victorious or downtrodden and defeated.

For what it's worth, I know lots of people who had children in grad school, including more than one child. I'd guess about a third to half of people in my grad program had kids by graduation.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:47 AM on June 30

Also, I agree with those suggesting you see what kind of institutional support there is for this kind of situation. But you have to be very careful here -- institutional support does not entail departmental support, and the department/individual faculty members have the power to make things very awkward for you. I'm afraid that even sympathetic faculty members may become frustrated about the degree to which this interferes with your work. Ideally you should find someone who has had a child while in this program and talk to them about it.
posted by advil at 9:56 AM on June 30

You can do this, if you want to do this. People are capable of doing amazingly difficult things when they want to.

Most universities have child care, generally quite good but also very space-limited. Get on the waiting list now. They may also have subsidized family housing available for students, so look into that (often where international students with families, who are living on one graduate student's income, are living). In terms of your internship abroad, is there a way to have your boyfriend and infant accompany you? Is there any reason he couldn't just skip summer classes and do that? He could do the child-care while you are working, yet you would still be available to your child (for example, for breast feeding, if that's the route you decide to go).

I'm not a parent, but a fellow in my lab had his first child in November of his first (grueling) year of our graduate program. His daughter was born quite sick, he was gone for about 6 months taking care of his daughter and wife, and he had to take an incomplete or two. And his academic career now, 4 and a half years later, is very successful. It seems like every time I turn around, another student in my department is expecting -- and they're all doing just fine (well, apart from the sleep deprivation). A lot of this may have to do with institutional culture, though -- our department is exceptionally family-friendly. It would be worth your time to email current students (contact the graduate advisor if you don't know any) and ask them about department culture. See if there are any other new mothers in the program you can talk to.
posted by amelioration at 10:00 AM on June 30

First off, congratulations!

I know young medical and law students that have had kids unexpectedly during school and succeeded just fine, and those are hard, competitive graduate programs that are typically very costly (high busy-ness and broke-ness factor). BUT, they have in all cases had a supportive husband who is unafraid to assume a non-traditional male role (stay-at-home or part-time-only-while-wife's-at-home-with-the-kid employed dad) with as much aplomb as you are assuming an assertedly non-traditional female role (working/studying mom).

It seems like you think your career is more important in terms of long-term family security, so why not just pursue your aims now and have the dude stay home and care for the baby while at the same time seeking his certification (with maybe a part-time job to help)?
posted by resurrexit at 10:05 AM on June 30

I'm not a parent, but a fellow in my lab had his first child in November of his first (grueling) year of our graduate program.

Yeah, but that's really not the same as carrying the kid for nine months, dealing with morning sickness, etc on top of the academic rigors.

I've known of several women who had children while in grad school and made it through (reasonably) happily, but they were all a few years into PhD programs.
posted by HumuloneRanger at 10:22 AM on June 30

Oops. thanks missmagenta, somehow I missed the NOT in that sentence, too. I was focussing on keeping the baby because I figured the OP knew what not continuing would involve.

In that case OP, marshall all your resources and know that people in far worse situations than you have been having babies with 9 months notice for millions of years. Most of those people are likely less smart, competent, and affluent (even though you're not terribly affluent, I'm guessing) than you. It may be hard at first, but you will be fine.

Congratulations!
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:44 AM on June 30

Would it be possible for you to postpone your plans for a year? If not, do you also have family or really close friends near who could be a support system for you?

Also, is your boyfriend someone who will be stable and really will stick with you thru all this? If there is any shred of doubt, you need to form a plan b for in case he bails.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:46 AM on June 30

having kids is hard. going to grad school is hard. having kids and going to grad school is really tough.

Also, one of my program requirements is a summer internship between first and second years - so that would be this summer, when baby would be 3-4 months old. Oh, and the internship is usually done abroad. Three months away from baby when s/he's three months old? Is that allowed?

I don't think you are grasping the reality about you are trying to do. If you are thinking about leaving the infant at three months then someone will have to take care of it.

I think the bottom-line here is that if you really want to have this career you need to ask your boyfriend to be the main care-taker of this child. If he is enthusiastic does this extend to being up all night feeding it? Does he want to putz around with a baby all day? Is he willing to put aside his personal ambitions to care for a child for twenty years? Is he willing to be dependent upon you finanically?

If you want to have a moderately demanding professional career your boyfriend needs to agree from the beginning to support you. You NEED to have really serious talk with him RIGHT NOW.
posted by geos at 10:51 AM on June 30 [4 favorites]

to just add a little more: if you have been the primary caretaker of an infant, by 3 months you may be suffering from chronic sleep deprivation and be seriously out of it. This may also be true if you have a difficult pregancy. You may be totally unable physically and mentally to go abroad for the summer.
posted by geos at 10:58 AM on June 30

A fellow student of mine has two young children. He is a Ph.D student; his wife has a non-academic job. We both just finished our second year of grad school (combined MS/Ph.D program). I haven't talked with him about this explicitly, but here's what I've noticed about how he does it, combined with my observations about making my own child-free work/life balance work:

We both have fairly generous funding packages -- probably more generous than you can expect in the humanities, so the money situation will be tighter for you. Money will be an issue.

If you decide to have the child (or even if you don't, but especially if you do), cultivating a good working relationship with your advisor/committee will be crucial. They have the power to make your life easier or harder (within limits), so getting them on your side ASAP is important. They have to push you to produce, so you'll have to be prepared to push back to get the time/space you need to raise your child. I've been told that faculty with kids themselves are better about this than those without, but I have no direct knowledge of this. Be prepared to give up most of your non-academic passtimes. I've had to give up or severely budget my time for non-academic stuff, and I don't have a child to take care of.

My acquaintance leaves the lab by 6:00 PM most nights and he tries to get advance notice of unusual circumstances that may force him to stay later. I'm not sure what accommodations he made with his advisor to get this arrangement, but I suspect it has to do with reliably completing his responsibilities on time and having a good publishing record. Note again that his wife is not an academic. I know they come from a fairly traditional social background, but I'm not sure exactly how they divide child-rearing responsibilities.

Since your situation sounds different in that your boyfriend wants to take an academic path too, you should have the talk about responsibilities that geos suggests, yes, RIGHT NOW. Since there's no marriage involved here, you should make sure that he is completely committed to this and have a backup plan ready.
posted by Alterscape at 11:00 AM on June 30

Since your situation sounds different in that your boyfriend wants to take an academic path too, you should have the talk about responsibilities that geos suggests, yes, RIGHT NOW. Since there's no marriage involved here, you should make sure that he is completely committed to this and have a backup plan ready.

actually, i think the boyfriend imagines he is going to be the breadwinner for the family while mom has primary responsibility for the kid (even if she is working.) if the poster is serious about pursuing a professional career these roles will need to be reversed.
posted by geos at 11:12 AM on June 30

Is it possible to defer grad school for a year? Would you be able to work temp jobs until you have the baby? If your boyfriend is going through an alternative certification program, he would be employed, and you would have income for the few months when you can't work after the baby is born. Plus, if you defer a year, your boyfriend would have the summer off from teaching and could take care of the baby (who would then be around 14 months) while you're in your internship.
posted by lunalaguna at 11:20 AM on June 30

actually, i think the boyfriend imagines he is going to be the breadwinner for the family while mom has primary responsibility for the kid (even if she is working.) if the poster is serious about pursuing a professional career these roles will need to be reversed.

I know lots of children who are well-parented by two parents who both have demanding professional careers.

That said, this only works well when people set out their expectations very clearly from the beginning.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:21 AM on June 30

I know lots of children who are well-parented by two parents who both have demanding professional careers.

That said, this only works well when people set out their expectations very clearly from the beginning.

and money, lots of money, to spend on professional childcare.
posted by geos at 11:23 AM on June 30

One thing you leave out of your post is what your relationships with your parents (that is, his parents and yours) are like. One thing that might make this more do-able is to have at least one set of supportive Grandparents nearby to assist with childcare.

One thing I'll add, as a former Driven Female Professional turned Mommy is that once your child is born you may find that you reevaluate your priorities about what is important in your life. I certainly did. In particular, you might find leaving your three-month old to be emotionally extremely difficult for you. However, one positive point is if the child has quality care then its somewhat better to do it then than it would be, say, when the child is 18 months or two years and is going through a ton of natural separation anxiety anyhow.

Bottom line: If I were you I'd try to find out if I could postpone matriculation for a year. As noted above, you'll be unable to complete the second semester anyhow, as even with a uneventful pregnancy you'll need 4-5 weeks after the birth to recover. That will also give you time to get a support network in place. The downside is, of course, that its much more difficult to get a job while pregnant, especially in this market.

Feel free to MefiMail me if you want.
posted by anastasiav at 11:35 AM on June 30

Three months away from baby when s/he's three months old? Is that allowed?

No, not if "allowed" means anything other than "legal." Your child's pediatrician would blow a gasket hearing about this plan. Three-to-six months is very important time for bonding, and to be away throughout would be a serious hardship for both of you.

I was about to acknowledge that some people may have to do this, and that deployment came to mind, but then I looked it up, and new mothers get a deployment deferral for six months. So even the Army won't expect that of its employees. In any event, there are all kinds of hardships some people have to do, but that it would still be irresponsible to choose for your baby.

Even aside from all that, you'd have to be in the tiniest minority of mothers if you were willing to do this once you're actually in that position.

I wonder whether you're really understanding the magnitude of the commitment you are contemplating here.
posted by palliser at 11:39 AM on June 30 [9 favorites]

No, not if "allowed" means anything other than "legal." Your child's pediatrician would blow a gasket hearing about this plan. Three-to-six months is very important time for bonding, and to be away throughout would be a serious hardship for both of you.

I want to emphasize this. You really, really want to think long and hard about any plan that involves being away from your baby from the ages of three-to-six months. That's generally very much not a good idea.
posted by Justinian at 11:59 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]

Would your parents or boyfriend's parents be able to help with money, etc?

Three months away from baby when s/he's three months old? Is that allowed?

My aunt and her husband were working very hard in their grueling medical residencies in the US when they had my cousin, and they shipped him to India to our place (my grandparents and my own mom and dad's) until they were finished. It's okay, don't feel bad about it if it's a possibility. That's what family is for.
posted by anniecat at 12:09 PM on June 30

It really does bear emphasizing that your boyfriend must understand how much more time a baby will demand. It's really hard to visualize the rigors of parenting before the baby is born--colic, night time feedings, teething, separation anxiety, numerous expenses, child care options--that will be compounded by two grad student schedules.

I disagree with palliser's diagnosis that a 3-month separation would be hugely traumatic for both of you (and doubt anyone would be so emphatic if a father were asking the question), but I do think that once you've got the baby in your life you'll be far less willing to hop on a plane to another country without him/her. I assume you're worried because your boyfriend won't be able to accompany you abroad, which is why you say that you'll have to leave him with the kiddo. If that's the case and you're dead set on going overseas, see if a parent is willing to pitch in. A 6-month old will be a more than willing recipient of your love and attention when you return from the trip.

Look at child care costs right now, and ask your colleagues and advisers about any options the university provides young families. As an undergrad I babysat for a grad student's twin infants for free as part of a university program. The PhD candidate was the main caregiver, and his wife went to work as an elementary school teacher. He was 4 years into his program when the twins were born, but with the help of a few undergrad babysitters he was able to parent until the afternoon when one of us showed up.

Yes, academia is notoriously demanding of young families, but universities are liberal institutions that attract many students in their mid- to late-twenties in their prime family-starting, baby-having years. More often than not, there are options for people in your position.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:10 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]

The PhD candidate was the main caregiver, and his wife went to work as an elementary school teacher. He was 4 years into his program when the twins were born, but with the help of a few undergrad babysitters he was able to parent until the afternoon when one of us showed up.

Four years into your program is an entirely different kettle of fish than the first year, though. The first year of grad school is really hard. Having a newborn is really hard. Contemplating the combination makes me a little queasy. (I don't have kids, but I've watched lots of friends deal with new parenthood.) If it's at all feasible, deferring for a year sounds like a good idea to me.

Possibly stupid question: any chance you could take your boyfriend and baby along on the internship? Would it likely be in a place where you'd feel comfortable taking an infant? (Or if you deferred for a year, would it be in a place where you'd feel comfortable taking a one-year-old.) He could take care of the baby while you were working, but you could still all spend time together when you weren't working. I've definitely heard of people taking their kids along when they did fieldwork, and if your boyfriend would be on an academic schedule that might be something you could consider.
posted by craichead at 12:19 PM on June 30

No, not if "allowed" means anything other than "legal." Your child's pediatrician would blow a gasket hearing about this plan. Three-to-six months is very important time for bonding, and to be away throughout would be a serious hardship for both of you.

Yes, yes, yes to this. I think that your expectations are a bit (completely) off here, which I can understand since this is all pretty overwhelming. The bottom line is that things will not go how you envisioned, no matter how much planning you do. Stuff comes up. Third trimester can be a bitch, you'll need to recover (and bond with and establish breastfeeding and a routine with baby) after the birth. Everyone is different, but at six-weeks post-partum, I was physically and emotionally unable get back into "real life." And at 3-6 months, there is no way in hell I would even have my babe overnight somewhere else, much less on another continent.

Really consider your bf situation, too. Is he only moving in because you're pregnant? Are you ready for the level of commitment to *him* that you're about to make? You didn't mention how long you've been together, but progressing a relationship just because of pregnancy is generally not a great idea. If you didn't want to move in with him before, or didn't want to marry him before, then don't do it now; This will save you and the babe a lot of heartache later. Trust me, I've learned that the hard way. (Disclaimer: I was an "older" undergrad when I got pregnant, but otherwise in a similar situation).
posted by Lullen at 12:21 PM on June 30

>Your child's pediatrician would blow a gasket hearing about this plan. Three-to-six months is very important time for bonding, and to be away throughout would be a serious hardship for both of you.

>You really, really want to think long and hard about any plan that involves being away from your baby from the ages of three-to-six months. That's generally very much not a good idea.

Is there much evidence supporting any long-term damage to the baby that might arise from this situation? It seems like the absent parent bears a vast majority of the psychological strain during a sustained separation, not the 6-month old. It'll probably take two weeks, tops, for the baby to get a handle on the reintroduced parent. Really, I think the "OMG mommy has to be there for the whole first year no takebacks" handwringing is a bit dramatic. A 6-month old might be a little wary of an unfamiliar face when Mom first gets home, but in no time the kid will be used to hanging out with her mother again. This would be a different story if we were discussing a 2-year old who's fully cognizant during the separation and going through severe stranger anxiety, but a little baby will hardly notice the hiatus. It's not like the baby is going to steal the car and hang out with the underage drinkers because Mom missed the first time she blew a raspberry.

Like Lullen, I'd be way more worried about the poster keeping up her energy and missing her kid like crazy than if the barely-aware kid is going to cope with her absence.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:34 PM on June 30

If you're having the baby, then my opinion --- which is my opinion only ---- is to not plan on doing an internship abroad for three months by yourself. Baby Zizzle is six and a half months now. The first three months of his life is a blur of sleep, sleep, sleep, feed, feed, feed, etc. If you would be a breastfeeding mother, then there's no way it would be feasible for you to do an overnight without the baby at three months let alone go abroad. And formula is EXPENSIVE beyond compare (we crashed and burned at breastfeeding shortly before four months. It's not a story to go into here, suffice it to say, yes, everything and more that could have been done was done and the milk supply was just not there). We spend over $100/month on formula, which for us was an unexpected expense due to the aforementioned breastfeeding failure.

As for being away from the baby from three to six months other than breastfeeding --- so much happens. The first year of development is quick and fast and full of so much to see ---- it's about three months that the babe's personality really begins to show, and by six months --- oh my gosh! I don't know about anyone else, but our little guy in the last two months especially has just exploded in personality. He has definite likes and dislikes. He recognizes people and places and responds accordingly. He laughs and finds everything funny. He's so incredibly interactive. It's a complete overhaul from the colicky screaming blob we had from about four weeks to about eleven weeks. I can't imagine missing everything that's happened in the last three months --- there's just.so.much.

Since this is a two year Masters program, I see no reason that, should the baby become a part of your life, that that can't be put on hold for a year or two. That will also give your boyfriend a year to get through one year of that teaching program, meaning perhaps a less cash strapped time at the beginning.

That said, we don't have much by way of money, but our income is too much to qualify for programs you almost certainly qualify for (WIC, medicaid, subsidized daycare I would imagine) and we're making it work.

FWIW, my Masters program is on indefinite hold, which is a huge disappointment to me as I really want to finish it out. But right now it's not feasible with everything else that's going on. It likely will be feasible in a year or two, which would be annoying because it may mean retaking some classes in my case. But I'd rather have my little guy than that Masters degree right now, so it's all good. I mention this to point out that what you want and expect from life may take a huge but perfectly natural turn once you have the baby (if you do).
posted by zizzle at 12:38 PM on June 30

Find out if it would be possible to bring the baby (and your boyfriend) with you for the internship. You may be assuming it isn't possible right now, but there may be ways you (and your boyfriend) can make that work.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:48 PM on June 30

[few comments removed - question is not about whether or not to terminate the pregnancy, please don't make it into one, thank you]
posted by jessamyn at 12:54 PM on June 30

You should also prepare yourself for the possibility that things won't go well. I hate to scare a pregnant woman, but you need to think about how you'd deal with any number of contingencies, including requiring a C-section (which would likely leave you physically unable to do strenuous work for some time afterwards), premature birth, or a sick baby. Any of those things would seriously mess with the very tight schedule you've set up for yourself.

I think that you need to get used to the fact that if you choose to parent this baby, your life is no longer just about you and your wants and needs. There's an entire new person whose needs will trump yours for quite some time. You can't necessarily execute your own plans around him or her; to some extent, you have to be prepared to roll with whatever happens.

I would suggest seeking a deferral of your admittance for at least a year so that you can make a decision about your education once you're used to having this child in your life.
posted by decathecting at 12:54 PM on June 30

follow-up from the OP

Things that were left out, and have been coming up:

My mother will most likely want to quit her job and move in full-time to take care of any and all babies resulting from this pregnancy. She is a baby-loving empty nester. I would be lucky if she would give the baby back were she to watch it for the three potential gone months.

My boyfriend and I are not the marrying kind, but we have been discussing long term plans. Obviously, this speeds things along a bit, but I don't have any reason to doubt his commitment to me or Future Baby. Also, I am 26 and he is 29, lest anyway think we're fresher-faced youngsters than we actually are.

Included in our long term plans was that I would be the primary breadwinner in our family. He is not planning on pursuing an academic track, but plans on teaching high school, which is a much more homebound, and stable hours, kind of job than mine would be.

I had not considered the possibility of taking the family with me, which is strange because prior to this that has been one of my great dreams. Go figure. Just thinking of that possibility makes me believe this is more feasible than I thought.

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful responses. They are very helpful.

posted by jessamyn at 1:34 PM on June 30

If you go on the internship, see if your mother will go along with you, your boyfriend, and the baby as well. Depending on where you go and how you are housed, it could be an amazing experience for all of you.

You mention that your mother will do a lot of the caring - grandmothers are wonderful but do be sure to set boundaries if you need to. That attachment can cause conflict!

Teaching can be stable, but there can be long hours too. I have many relatives who are teachers so be prepared for parent nights, and camps and dances and hours on marking and prep at home. He can probably do childcare pickups more regularly than you but may also need to do work after you get home.
posted by wingless_angel at 1:47 PM on June 30

Given that you both are of limited financial means, I'd also check to see what your health insurance covers for pregnancy/kids. My experience with grad school health insurance is that it's fine for basic stuff, but there are pricey co-pays outside of that.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:51 PM on June 30

You and your boyfriend need to sit down and learn the concept of SACRIFICE, right now, and in a big way. A child in your lives is going to complicate things and likely derail or enlongate your proposed educational path.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:03 PM on June 30

Is there much evidence supporting any long-term damage to the baby that might arise from this situation?

I think you'd have a real hard time finding volunteers for a study in which some mothers, all other relevant factors being equal, left their babies for three months.

My concern for the baby would be more that the mother's defenses against distress related to the separation -- anticipated, actual, and remorse at what she missed -- would interfere with attachment to the baby. Mainly my point is that it's a bad idea to set up post-baby plans to include such a separation because you shouldn't count on being willing to do this, as it would be unusual to be willing to do this.

Bringing baby and boyfriend sounds like a great plan, OP. Bring your mom, too!
posted by palliser at 2:16 PM on June 30

Once you decide to continue the pregnancy (and it sounds as if you have), things will fall into place or they won't. Really, it's that simple. You can facilitate things going the way you want, though. The biggest lesson I've learned from being a parent (unexpectedly the first time, planned the second) is to be flexible. Things change. Nothing is written in stone except the love you have for your family.

I think bringing baby and BF (and mom, even) with you for your internship is a great idea. You will be exhausted. Yes. But you're young (at 38, almost 39, I can say that) and you'll get through it. Barring any major birth complications (something you can deal with if it happens) I don't see why you couldn't head off overseas when baby is three months old. I have a friend whose husband works for the foreign service (US) and they've been traveling all over the world since their first child was born almost five years ago. They've been in three, maybe four places (Moscow, Albania, Egypt) in those years AND had a second baby. It can be done.

You have the most important aspect in place already: support. You can do this.
posted by cooker girl at 2:24 PM on June 30

I really have to wonder how you are going to get an internship when you would presumably either be interviewing for it quite visibly pregnant (which as much as I would like to think wouldn't affect the outcomes of the interviews in real life actually might), or interviewing while you are still in immediate post-birth sleep deprivation hell. I mean, unless your program is actually going to provide said internship on a silver platter to you, even getting the lovely-sounding overseas internship sounds like a dubious possibility to me. And taking your boyfriend, baby and possibly mother with you? Who exactly are you expecting to pay for those extra flights? Does your mother have that kind of money? Who is paying for housing for the 3 or 4 of you during your overseas stay? I don't mean to say any of this is impossible but it seems naive to assume that oh, I'll just take my baby and boyfriend and mother with me overseas for an internship no problem. I would really talk to someone in the department you are going to to figure out what is really reasonable to expect if you try to do such a thing.

Personally, I vote for postponing school for a year. You're pretty obviously going to lose a semester no matter what, so unless this is the only way for you to get decent health insurance for the pregnancy, postponing until next fall seems like a good call.
posted by ch1x0r at 3:19 PM on June 30

I wrote: I know lots of children who are well-parented by two parents who both have demanding professional careers.

That said, this only works well when people set out their expectations very clearly from the beginning.

geos wrote: and money, lots of money, to spend on professional childcare.

No. Seriously, that hasn't been an issue with the people I know who have kids while, for instance, both are in graduate school. Even without the involved grandparenting that is in the OP's picture, there are lots of other non-cash-intensive options. Babysitting co-ops with other parents in similar situations are great.

There are a lot of different ways to do parenting, and a lot of different ways to negotiate the sharing of responsibility. People make it work every day, whether partnered or single, whether working or going to school or focusing full-time on parenting or any combination thereof.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:22 PM on June 30

I mean, unless your program is actually going to provide said internship on a silver platter to you, even getting the lovely-sounding overseas internship sounds like a dubious possibility to me.

It sounds to me from the original post like it's part of the program structure itself, not something students in the program have to interview for.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:23 PM on June 30

I really have to wonder how you are going to get an internship when you would presumably either be interviewing for it quite visibly pregnant (which as much as I would like to think wouldn't affect the outcomes of the interviews in real life actually might), or interviewing while you are still in immediate post-birth sleep deprivation hell. I mean, unless your program is actually going to provide said internship on a silver platter to you, even getting the lovely-sounding overseas internship sounds like a dubious possibility to me.

Do you generally do face-to-face interviews for summer overseas internships? My program doesn't do internships, but I've received several grants to conduct research overseas, and they've always been a paper application. I'd be really surprised if you were expected to fly somewhere to interview for a summer internship. If they did anything, I think they'd do a phone interview.

Who is paying for housing for the 3 or 4 of you during your overseas stay?

I don't think there would be any extra housing expenses. You don't need much more space for a couple and a baby than for a single person, and she'd have to rent some sort of accommodation during her internship no matter what. And if the whole family goes, they might be able to sublet their apartment for the summer, which they wouldn't be able to do if the boyfriend stayed home. The only extra expense is really the boyfriend's airfare.

I don't know if it's possible, but I wouldn't rule it out. Like I said, I've heard of people taking their kids when they went overseas for research or fieldwork.
posted by craichead at 3:52 PM on June 30

I was also going to suggest deferral, also.

You may have these practical ideas right now about whether you can go abroad and leave the baby safely when it's 3-4 mos old. I don't have kids, but as someone who knows many, many parents of young kids, I can pretty much guarantee that you absolutely won't want to.
posted by ishotjr at 4:24 PM on June 30

Also, one of my program requirements is a summer internship between first and second years - so that would be this summer, when baby would be 3-4 months old. Oh, and the internship is usually done abroad. Three months away from baby when s/he's three months old? Is that allowed?

If you have the grandparents involved from day one and baby knows them well and dad is still there and mom is away for three months, it's not at all optimal, but it is potentially manageable for some babies, particularly if they have certain temperaments.

Waaayyyyyy better idea to have whole family come along. There are studies looking at kids whose mothers were in the hospital or unavoidably away early in life and they do show that it can be traumatic. To the baby, it feels like mommy has died-- think about what that would mean if it were you! It's way more traumatic for baby than mom because mom knows she's coming back. But babies have no concept of time.

The baby has learned to rely on that person always being there, and that person being reliable, and that person being the primary stress manager and teacher about how to cope and to become calm. Then-- whoof, gone! You can't tell her you're coming back because she doesn't understand it. She's inconsolable. It's longer than she's been in this world when you are gone! It's hard for her to learn to trust again, during a period of key emotional development for critical brain areas moderating stress.

Basically, a bad plan and to be avoided if it all possible. The idea that babies are "resilient" is misleading-- of course they are resilient, and most will probably be fine, but that doesn't mean that breaking their hearts by suddenly disappearing is a good idea.

This time in life is when the groundwork for the stress system is being laid. You probably don't want to set it at "high"-- ie, always be worried that someone will go away. Of course, depending on temperament, it could be relatively unproblematic, but...
posted by Maias at 4:35 PM on June 30

My mother will most likely want to quit her job and move in full-time to take care of any and all babies resulting from this pregnancy.

My aunt is currently the full-time caretaker for her 1-year-old grandson, while his parents do their medical residencies. It seems to be working well for all involved parties!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:12 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]

No, not if "allowed" means anything other than "legal." Your child's pediatrician would blow a gasket hearing about this plan. Three-to-six months is very important time for bonding, and to be away throughout would be a serious hardship for both of you.

I think this is too strong and definitive.

I also disagree with the comments assuring you that you will be unable to function for months before and after delivery. You never know what complications you might have, but barring that, there's no reason you can't be productive until delivery, and depending on how helpful your boyfriend is, you may be ready to get back to your academic work soon after. If you do have complications, you'll deal with them. Life is complicated and you will not be the first person to have to balance school and the rest of your life.

Good health insurance often comes along with student status - it may be worth considering how hard this would be to get if you're deferred and working at some other job.

One last note - in my own experience graduate programs, are not as rigorous as they make themselves sound. You may be pleasantly surprised by how do-able it all is.

Best wishes!
posted by lakeroon at 5:32 PM on June 30

I just graduated from a 2-year MA program, and I didn't have time for myself the first year. I didn't even date until halfway through the second year, because there just wasn't time. I can't imagine trying to read and write and study while exhausted from a pregnancy or taking care of an infant.
posted by runningwithscissors at 7:55 PM on June 30

And, for what it's worth, confirm what insurance looks like for you as a student. My school offered none, and it was in fact MORE challenging than reported. Be as realistic and aware as you can.
posted by runningwithscissors at 7:58 PM on June 30

You say that the internship is usually done abroad. Perhaps you should look at what sort of internships people might do staying at home. If you had mentioned the field, perhaps people here could make suggestions (just as the fields I think of off the top of my head where an overseas internship is common are not necessary those that I would describe as having strong job outlooks!).

I think you will find a way to get through this, but be prepared to be flexible and to change your mind about where you are going.
posted by AnnaRat at 5:34 PM on July 1

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Two grad students and a baby? June 30, 2009 9:18 AM Subscribe

Two grad students and a baby?
June 30, 2009 9:18 AM Subscribe