I'm sorry!

June 29, 2009 4:58 PM

How do you deal when you know you've angered someone?

I usually analyze our recent exchanges to try to determine whether I've done something nasty to them. If I have, I contact them, pull them aside and apologize for my behavior. This method works well for me most of the time except when the other party doesn't respond to my attempts. I know sometimes people need space, but my little brain keeps on chugging away trying to figure out what I did/what to do until the problem is resolved.

How do you cope with the cold shoulder from someone you've angered? What if you don't know what you've done or if you don't agree that your actions were wrong?

Just curious, thanks in advance.

posted by wild like kudzu to human relations (12 comments total)

You can't control how the other person reacts to your apology. All you can do is be sincere and then leave the ball in their court.

If you don't know what you did, you ask. "Did I do something to upset you? Would you like to talk about it?" If you disagree that your actions are wrong but are still concerned about the other person's feelings, avoid the classic nonapology of "I'm sorry you're upset" and try for something that acknowledges your part in the situation like "I did not mean to upset you by doing that, I will try to be more sensitive in the future".
posted by padraigin at 5:06 PM on June 29

Here's the empathy approach, from the practices of nonviolence:

Make it clear that you care about the relationship and make an informed guess about their emotion and the reason behind it. You can never know for sure just by deduction.

Example: Are you angry at me because I didn't return your call on time?

Then, if they open up and tell you what's going on (let's say you were right), let them know what you feel.

Example: I feel saddened because I want to be at good terms with you.

If you really think you did something that would cause an anger reaction in anybody, and if you really feel sorry for that action, you can apologize. If you apologize out of politeness, the apology means nothing and the trust between you is lost.

The key point is that you don't need to change anything in how they feel. It is enough for them to know that you know how they feel. And that you care how they feel.
posted by andreinla at 5:35 PM on June 29

Sometimes people just hit a point where they want nothing to do with you ever again. I know I've done that with a few people. There is literally nothing they can do to get off my shit list.

If you're continually getting brushed off by someone and ignored I think there are only two possibilities. Either they don't want anything to do with you, or they don't want anything to do with you yet.

I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't try to make things right. But you can't be friends with everyone, so don't waste your time with someone who obviously doesn't want it.
posted by theichibun at 5:41 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]

You can't control how the other person reacts to your apology. All you can do is be sincere and then leave the ball in their court.

makes sense to me. and you do acknowledge that "sometimes people need space". this means exactly what it says and can be frustrating as hell because sometimes people need a lot of space, years worth on occasion.

So how do you deal with the cold shoulder? You just do, particularly if you've been sincere in a 3 point apology which basically states:

1. I'm sorry for angering you
2. This is what I believe I did that angered you so
3. These are things I will do to remedy my transgression and make sure I don't do it again

All of this is, of course, based on the assumption that their anger is warranted (ie: you did do something that legitimately pissed them off). If not, then just walk away. They need therapy.
posted by philip-random at 5:41 PM on June 29

When I'm stuck in a quandries like you've described, I try to remember a prescient line from a song I've long since forgotten the name of: "Some do and some don't, some will and some won't."
posted by telstar at 6:01 PM on June 29

Just for clarification, is this the person who was giving you problems at work in your prior question? Answers might differ whether it is a personal/workplace issue.
posted by vincele at 6:06 PM on June 29

This really depends on what you've done to anger them and the kind of person they are. If you really stuffed up, an acknowledgement of your own fault in the matter, and an indication that you will endeavour to do better won't go astray, but you may need to wait until they are ready to forgive you. Put your apology out there but don't follow it up for at least a couple of weeks and only ever follow it up once - that'll give them time to sort out the situation on their side, let them know that you really are apologetic, and not make them feel like they are being hounded. Of course, they may not forgive you, depending on them and what you did. Be prepared for that eventuality.

If you offended someone without realising it, and the only way you know this is because they aren't speaking to you, then that becomes a bit more difficult. If no one that knows both of you can give you any inside information, try approaching once, respectfully and indicate that you feel awful about the situation and would like to try to solve it. Take the initiative, but only do so once. If there's no response - give them a wide berth if you end up in the same place, even if you know the same people. These things can take time - but do not slag them off because of 'their' problem. That will make you look petty.

OTOH, sometimes people can dislike you for no real reason, or because of something you did decades ago they heard a warped story about last week, or because of the opinion of someone who is closer to them than you. This is life. Do not dwell on it - just prove them wrong by your future actions towards those who are around you. Again, this may not work, and it certainly won't work immediately but it's a good thing to do anyway. Live and learn. And remember - to err is human, and you're not the first person to really annoy someone else.
posted by Sparx at 6:16 PM on June 29 [2 favorites]

I guess it depends on whether you're starting from an assumption that the person you've angered even wants to fix things. Even if they do, you don't get to set the timetable.

If someone has done something non-trivial to anger me, if they don't make conciliatory gestures pretty quickly then I'm not likely to be responsive to any attempts to mend fences weeks or months later - so I'd say it's fairly important that you let the other person know fairly quickly that you'd like to heal the rift if it's possible, bearing in mind that it could be some time before they are ready to do so.
posted by Lolie at 6:22 PM on June 29

I know I pissed you off, I'm sorry. When you want to talk about it let me know. I'll check back in with you in a few days.

If you go with this approach, you don't have to 'fish' for what you might have done... Also, by letting them know that you are going attempt to communicate again they can mentally prepare for it, hopefully they will be more open about i.
posted by maxpower at 6:45 PM on June 29

If you're getting the cold shoulder from multiple people, chances are that there's something about your style of interaction that gets people's backs up. While it's true that people will sometimes dislike you for no reason, or because of something completely out of your control, if this is a habitual occurrence for you, you might want to see if someone can help you figure out why.

The very very few people that I tend to just not want to interact with at all have always committed multiple "offenses". It's rare that someone will ignore you for one honest mistake, especially if you apologize for it. But if the person sees it as just part of a pattern of behavior, they may be much less forgiving.

Say you cut someone off mid-sentence in a meeting by saying, "we just don't have time to talk about that right now, let's focus on this instead." You might apologize to them later for being rude in your abrupt interruption. They'd probably forgive you. But if this was part of a string of incidents where they could tell you didn't value their opinion, they might well want to just avoid you completely. It wouldn't matter to them that you were apologizing for the *way* you said something when it was clear from past behavior that you didn't see the insult behind assuming that their contribution was less valuable than yours.

So when you find yourself in this situation, think about whether this is a person you treat with respect in general. If you don't, I guarantee they will be able to sense that, and it will be no wonder they don't want to interact with you, regardless of how you apologized for any one incident.
posted by MsMolly at 7:13 PM on June 29 [1 favorite]

It really depends on the situation. For example, I've been giving the cold shoulder to some people at work because they keep interrupting me, even after I've told them I'm busy. I tend to avoid people at parties if I find something irritating. A bit more context might be helpful.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:00 PM on June 29

Somebody I know stepped over a number of lines in one conversation with me some weeks ago and I am still really mad at this person - don't want to talk with her or in any way interact. It makes me angry just to think about this conversation, even though weeks have passed.

I agree with what theichibun said above -- sometimes people just put themselves on your shitlist and there is really no way they can get off it. I don't know what happened in your case, but somebody really has to screw up to end up on mine.

That being said, however, this might also simply be a communication problem and the entire thing a misunderstanding. But again, all you can do is ask what is going on and if the person blows you off ... well, I don't think there's much that you can do at that point. The ball is in their court.

Also don't disregard the possibility that stuff might be going on in the other person's life that makes it difficult for them to really deal with this particular situation. If you don't know what it was you did, it might also be the other person's issue.
posted by Bearded Dave at 8:13 AM on June 30