Reasoning behind this sex act?

June 29, 2009 12:43 PM

This has happened to me in the course of sleeping with two different guys (on separate occasions) and I still don't understand the reasoning behind it. (NSFW)

It's possible there are varied reasons for why guys do this, but maybe by posting this question there will be something that stands out more. Why do they stick a finger (or two) up a girl's anus? Now granted, both times this happened they were drunk. So is this an accident? A simple, "whoops, wrong hole"? Or is there something behind it: i.e. is this supposed to be pleasurable to me or for them? I know they are obviously not getting off on this action per se, but is it some sort of fascination with that particular area? Or is it simply the idea that this could be a pleasure spot?

I guess I ask because typically there is some sort of conversation about having anal sex before it actually happens, and it seems to me, a finger could also warrant a heads up. But perhaps I'm just being a prude.

Honestly I would really like to know what you all think from either the male or female perspective and shed some light on this occurrence.

posted by anonymous to human relations (36 comments total)

Because for some people it feels good. I'm not sure why Googling didn't get you this answer or what part of that is confusing.
posted by jessamyn at 12:45 PM on June 29 [15 favorites]

I guess I ask because typically there is some sort of conversation about having anal sex before it actually happens, and it seems to me, a finger could also warrant a heads up.

Ideally, you're right that there should be a conversation, or at least an on-the-fly question in the heat of the moment ("um...do you like anal?"). It sounds like the two guys in question decided to actually experiment instead of asking first, trusting that you would say "um, I don't like that".

...Which is an approach. However, to my mind, and the minds of many (I'm assuming), it's not the best approach.

I wouldn't chalk it up to anything except those two guys being pretty clueless.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on June 29 [2 favorites]

There are a lot of people who enjoy it.

However, I think it's polite to ask first.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:48 PM on June 29

The "heads up" is as you feel the finger pressing on your bung hole- how this could just happen by surprise suggests there is something very weird about your physiology or maybe you were drunk at the same time.

He sticks his fingers up your ass for the same reason you stick yours up his. It's sex.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 12:48 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]

I can't say that this has ever happened to me, but that doesn't mean I should assume no guys do this anymore than you should assume most guys do based on your experiences with two individuals.
posted by katillathehun at 12:48 PM on June 29

men and women get too much sex advice from porn, cosmo, and the internet. this has some people thinking that the advice they read or see on "what feels good" is what feels good to everyone.
posted by nadawi at 12:49 PM on June 29 [7 favorites]

One plausible reason why they don't ask is that they have previously had regular sex with someone who liked it, and so have internalised it as a habit or something that everyone likes.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:50 PM on June 29

At the time I had no idea, but in college my girlfriend would do this to me and I thought it a little strange (at first) but also stimulating. Once performed, though, I always wonder -- what does one do with the stinky finger? Wipe it on the sheets?
posted by Rash at 12:54 PM on June 29

Being a dude, this has come up in multiple conversations. It shows up in magazines. We're taught at some level that this is a good idea.

I have a kind of strict no anal policy (WHAT A PRUDE!), so it's never crossed my mind, but it's definitely come up in casual conversation with other dudes. It's part of the folklore of sex, I guess.
posted by GilloD at 12:54 PM on June 29

Well it definitely is a "pleasure zone", that's not just some crazy theory you invented: there's a heck of a lot of nerve endings down there.

Most (but not all) women I have been with definitely enjoyed SOME activity there, though the specific activity varies from person to person. So these guys, by my guesstimate, are just playing percentages... they're not doing something extremely unusual, in other words, so there's no need to think of it as some weirdo coincidence.

But some people don't like it, which is fine too. As with anything that someone does that you don't enjoy, just stop them. A simple "Um, no please?" is easy enough.

You probably do things that your lovers don't like, but you mean well. You're just guessing and seeing what works. If they don't like it, they should stop you, right?
posted by rokusan at 12:57 PM on June 29 [1 favorite]

Well, my wife finds this particular technique particularly pleasurable, and generally orgasms when a second finger is inserted. She also enjoys a variety of anal-insertion toys, both long and short.

I've read that proximity to the vaginal walls make this unusually pleasurable for many women.

You seem to be curious, too. Why not explore with a patient partner?
posted by Gordion Knott at 12:59 PM on June 29

Some people missed the "communicate with your sex partners" memo.

This is a pleasurable spot for many people. However, for the person doing the fingering, it can be pleasurable tactile-y (holy crap someone find me the right word!), or from a mental standpoint. Some people get off on just watching their partners respond, some people get off on the perceived dirtiness of the act.

For more reading on the subject, Dr. Jack Morin's Anal Pleasure and Health (second item down, site, while not porn, probably NSFW) is pretty much the gold standard of reference books on the subject.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:01 PM on June 29

It is something that needs to be communicated about before it is done. But yes, some women do like it.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:05 PM on June 29 [1 favorite]

1. Not all guys do this.

2. Usually it's best to talk these things over with your partner. Asking anyone else, especially random strangers on the internet, is just poking around in the dark.

We're taught at some level that this is a good idea.
No, we really aren't. Various individuals, sure, but not all guys.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:06 PM on June 29 [1 favorite]

Why do they stick a finger (or two) up a girl's anus?

Porn teaches us that women really dig anal, even if they didn't know it beforehand. Be happy they didn't want to test your gag reflex.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:06 PM on June 29 [5 favorites]

Also, to expand on my previous answer, I feel like the sort of memeliness of buttplay in the last maybe five years can be partially traced to the popularity of the weird "shocker" hand gesture where people who might not have even thought about doing that sort of thing saw people making flip hand gestures everyplace and thought that it was more popular [to the ladies?] than it actually is/was. The Googleable term here is buttplay or anal play with this book recommended most of the time the topic comes up on askme.
posted by jessamyn at 1:07 PM on June 29

We really should forward this to Dan Savage.... I'm sure he could come up with a better answer.

However, there is a nerve plexus in the aforementioned region that is stimulating to some folks, and makes anal sex (hetero or otherwise) pleasurable. I'm with GilloD on the no anal-policy (for me) but I've been asked to do something similar with women I've been with a couple times. I'm an adaptable fellow and it seemed to get the job done, so what the heck. Everyone is different. If it doesn't work for you, say so. Sex is really much better if, you know, you're clear about what you like and dislike. Just sayin'.
posted by elendil71 at 1:11 PM on June 29

[comment removed - question is sort of specific, can we not turn this into another consent/non-consent discussion please?]
posted by jessamyn at 1:20 PM on June 29

The guys were checking to see if you were into anal sex (because they were), and hopefully they got their answer.

A lot of sex is exploration, physical communication because while a guy may know the basics, he can't possibly know all the intricacies of what gets you off in particular. Some things one girl LOVES would send another girl running in horror. So it goes something like this: guy tries a little something, she indicates she likes it (breaths more rapidly, moans, whatever), guy tries a little more/harder, she really likes it, guy tries a little more/harder still, she doesn't like it... okay mental note, she only likes a moderate amount of that.
posted by LordSludge at 1:30 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]

You aren't required to lie there passively while people do things you don't like. There's a wide array of non-verbal cues that can dissuade people from doing things you don't like, and doing things you do like. Personally I don't like sex to be like being on Meet the Press, so I don't like talking in the middle of it, but just shrugging and moving away from something you don't like works fine for all but the most obtuse.

Also, digital exploration aside, you shouldn't ever be surprised by a penis in your bum* but most of the time these things don't happen out of nowhere. It sounds like you may be being a little passive about what you like and don't like sexually, and you really shouldn't sleep with people if you feel like you can't communicate with them. I mean, 'should' is a loaded word, I guess, so I'll just say 'I recommend you don't'.

*That's what Mom always said.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:06 PM on June 29

I have never dated a woman who wasn't convinced that I was going to try to slip one in her butt at some point, no matter what I said about it. I have always taken this as evidence that plenty of guys do try to get in there in a sneaky way, and that most of them must either be too embarrassed to talk about it beforehand or thought the 'surprise' would be fun. Either way, pretty lame.

So, yeah; you may be dating perfectly normals guys who think that's just the thing to do. I'd say just chalk it up to experimentation on their part - but if you don't like it, say so. You are not being a prude.
posted by Pecinpah at 2:12 PM on June 29

There is also the harmless possibility that the guy(s) believe, rightfully or not, that penetrating a number of spots at the same time might add to a pleasurable effect. But a warning: don't ask the guy for a "heads up." He might try something truly offbeat.
posted by Postroad at 2:22 PM on June 29

They watch too much porn and think all women like things stuck up their ass.
posted by phrakture at 2:36 PM on June 29

A conversation I once heard:



"I knew you were a dirty girl."

"How?"

"Because you let me stick my finger in your ass."



Apparently it can be a test of how non-vanilla you are?
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:47 PM on June 29

The response I have is pretty simple.

If they did this and you didn't mind, who cares as long as you got off.

If your response to the whole event is "God I wish Random Guy X wouldn't stick his finger up my ass" then maybe you don't like it and should probably lay down some ground rules before you start fucking people.

As for normal? I have no idea. I know I'd ask my wife before attempting to put my finger in her butt. She'd flex her butt cheeks and break my finger otherwise...
posted by Gravitus at 3:00 PM on June 29

In my experience, this lands firmly in the spectrum of pretty normal sexual behaviour/activity. I wouldn't think it requires a heads up unless you want a notice for every level of progression. Some people do want that and its a valid request, but to repeat, for most people I know, it is on the same plane as putting a finger in your vagina.

Like most sexual activities some people like it, some don't, some are neutral. If this happens again, just politely relocate his hand to a more pleasuable area for yourself. If there has actual anal penetration with that hand, he can't put it back in your vaginal area without a quick wash. Bacteria that is a ok there is not ok in your lady parts.
posted by stormygrey at 3:23 PM on June 29

It's something which enhances sexual pleasure for a lot of people of both genders, so I'm guessing these guys were checking whether you're one of those people. I wouldn't read any more into it than that, but if it's not your thing and you know that, then it's probably a good idea to make that known before it becomes an issue.

It's something vanilla enough that you probably do need to make it clear if it's not your thing - kinda like I'm probably going to assume my partners like BJs until they tell me otherwise (and always make sure I tell people that licking the alphabet ain't gonna do squat for me except piss me off, but I sure as heck have plenty of other suggestions).
posted by Lolie at 3:38 PM on June 29

What everyone else said. I think it generally appropriate for either partner to get all 'all clear' before any kind of penetration. Talk to your partner about what you want and how you want it beforehand, it makes things a lot easier. Otherwise, at least give them the list of things you definitely don't want. Or give them a list of the things you're ok with and tell them if they want to do anything else they need to ask first. If they do it anyway, you know they don't respect your boundaries and you can go ahead and stop sleeping with them. If you like them enough to continue, wait for the perfect timing and then spring a surprise digit up their ass and see how he likes it. Maybe that's what he was hoping for all along...
posted by SassHat at 5:43 PM on June 29

Eh, I don't really have much to add except that I have been with various partners who were interested in anal play. But I would find it kind of weird if a guy was like 'Can I put my finger in your ass?' while we were getting busy. Basically if you're in the moment and he goes for it, if you're down --> move encouragingly, if you're not --> swat his hand away. End of story. I don't understand how this is that complicated. I personally am sometimes very into it, and other times would rather keep things at the front door. So for me it's a case by case policy, and I act accordingly. ::shrug::

I hear what everyone is saying about talking about boundaries in advance, and obviously open communication is a good thing. But isn't spontaneity part of what is fun about sex? Like if my boyfriend never tried anything new, our sex life would be pretty boring. I think the more important issue is that when you feel that a boundary is being crossed, that you make it clear to the other person. In my opinion that is much better than bringing out a laundry list in advance. And just maybe you might find that in the moment you actually like something new!
posted by amileighs at 6:22 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]

They wanted to, in the vernacular, "do you in the ass" -- thus talking about anal sex first --, and the finger was supposed to prompt you to get a hot and bothered for teh buttsecks.

KInda uncool, should have asked you if you were into it, not suprised you with anal penetration.
posted by orthogonality at 6:28 PM on June 29

Basically if you're in the moment and he goes for it, if you're down --> move encouragingly, if you're not --> swat his hand away. End of story. I don't understand how this is that complicated.

This was pretty much my thought, too. It's not all an insidious plot to get their cock in your ass ASAP. It's a sensitive erogenous zone for a lot of people, if it got a good response from their last lover, they may be embolded to assume it's a universal win. The only thing that strikes me as odd is that it's not generally usually a first-time-in-bed move.

(Also, if it's just a random zoom! finger up the ass! they're kinda doing it wrong if they want you to be into it. To me, this signals nervousness/lack of experience.)
posted by desuetude at 6:47 PM on June 29

But isn't spontaneity part of what is fun about sex?

Isn't pre-sexy murmuring about "what I'd like to do" part of what is fun about sex?
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:47 PM on June 29 [2 favorites]

As someone who has visited the news-drivel website Fark a few times in the past, I can tell you that there's at least enough people who have noticed the same thing, and abbreviate it "UFIA" -- unsolicited finger in anus. You are probably just as well off not knowing this acronym.
posted by cmiller at 7:09 PM on June 29

Fairly normal sexual activity, and for both sexes, to try that out. Girls try it on guys too, without warning. Once you feel the finger, just move it away if it doesn't float your boat. I don't think it's necessarily an indication that these guys are seeking anal sex.
posted by That takes balls. at 7:22 PM on June 29

A lot of things sexual also don't feel how you think they'd feel, so unless you want to have endless discussions about everything which might possibly happen in bed before you actually have sex with someone, there's a point at which you do just have to trust that your partner will explore in good faith and respect any boundaries that exploration reveals.

And boundaries can be different with different partners - apart from absolutely non-negotiable hard limits, your boundaries with a particular partner are something you discover during the process of having sex with them, so it's hard to have a pre-coital discussion about the "maybes" without committing yourself to or excluding possibilities which may be different with this particular partner.
posted by Lolie at 11:47 PM on June 29

In addition to what's been mentioned already (it feels good for a lot of people; it's dirty in an exciting way; they might be probing for interest in butt sex; it might be a test for how dirty you are), I wanted to point out that inserting a finger back there causes all the muscles in the area to tighten up. So a finger in the butt can give the same effect as someone doing strong kegels, which feels damn good.

That, and there can be something kind of cool about, while fucking, penetrating her butt with a finger or two, and her mouth with your tongue. Sort of a penetrative trifecta, perhaps.

But like anything with sex, it's not a one-size-fits-all deal, and if you aren't into it just shove his hand away when you feel the finger coming close and say "I'm not into that," no biggie.
posted by Forktine at 6:40 AM on June 30 [1 favorite]