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what do you think about while masturbating?
June 29, 2009 7:46 AM   Subscribe

I'd like to know what other people think about while masturbating and how that differs from what they think about while having sexual intercourse.

I'm currently seeing a person I have been excited about for some time. that's a PG way of saying I thought about her while touching myself. I thought about what it would be like with her. I'm fortunate in that she was every bit as stunning and enjoyable in reality as imagined. yet the experience left me momentarily confused: I couldn't get my mind to race in the way I liked to get where I wanted. fantasizing about someone while they are actually there struck me as rather futile since reality is being checked against any imagined fantasy the very moment that fantasy comes up. so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about. I had to find a different thought pattern that might do the trick for me while being intimate with her.

so that's how this question got started. I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.
posted by krautland to Human Relations (29 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
What I think about while masturbating: "God that feels good."

What I think about when having sex: "God I wish this felt as good as masturbating."
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:00 AM on June 29, 2009 [12 favorites]


Everyone does that when they first start seeing a girl and they've done everything but actually fuck. Then after you've had sex with her, you think about threesomes with her and her hot girlfriend or hot sister.

And your question- it makes me dizzy. You think too much.
posted by Zambrano at 8:16 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Um, generally (not all the time) when with my partner, I think about other people. When 'bating, I think about my partner.

Go figure.
posted by Danf at 8:22 AM on June 29, 2009


I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.

When I'm not single, any "quality time" fantasizing usually happens when we're not in the same room, and I'm thinking about them. When I'm having "quality time" with them, I'm usually not thinking -- at least, not thinking anything articulate (the thought-process becomes very animal-brained).

When I am single, I'm usually fantasizing about the celebrity crush-du-jour.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:23 AM on June 29, 2009


When I'm having sex I'm wishing that I was doing it with our hot MILF neighbor. When I'm masturbating I fantasize about having sex with our hot MILF neighbor and her equally hot sister.

I'm a simple man with simple needs.
posted by 543DoublePlay at 8:30 AM on June 29, 2009


so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about.

How about the fact that you're having sex? Enjoy the moment.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:30 AM on June 29, 2009 [7 favorites]


When alone, I focus more on my ideal fantasy, which is something that gets me excited quickly and essentially is meant to get the job done.

When I'm with someone, I can't really hold myself up to the same standard I have when I'm alone. Like you, I feel really stupid fantasizing about the person when they're right there, so I guess I just shift my mindset a bit. The process is a lot slower, and I focus more on the current sensations and try to be in the moment and enjoy not knowing what my partner will do next. But yeah, it's not really the same.
posted by pyrom at 8:42 AM on June 29, 2009


I really hope that 543's hot MILF neighbor is on MetaFilter. I demand a followup post.

When having real sex: damn, this looks good. I wish I had a camera.
When masturbating: damn, that was hot... I wish I had a picture.

I'm visual. Sue me.
posted by rokusan at 8:46 AM on June 29, 2009


I recommend Nancy Friday's Men in Love and My Secret Garden, books composed of the sexual fantasies of real men (first link) and real women (second link) who wrote and submitted them to the author themselves.

Some of them will strike a chord, and others are just so alien they are worth it for the voyeur element--you get a rare glimpse into some strange minds.

Engrossing reading for everyone, and inspirational for moments just like these when you are looking to expand your own mental limitations.
posted by misha at 9:30 AM on June 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


with partner: living in the moment
without partner: mind skips around, visualizing short sequences

It's been established that people who grew up without color tv tend to dream in black and white, while those of us who grew up with color tv dream in color. I wonder if there's a similar difference between pre-Internet generations and those of us who grew up with 15-30 second clips on dial-up.
posted by HumuloneRanger at 9:32 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, and the fantasies in the books are written in lush detail. I'd hardly expect members to come in here and be so forthcoming.

We SO need an anonymous commenting option for this thread!
posted by misha at 9:32 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


your question- it makes me dizzy. You think too much.
I get that a lot.

How about the fact that you're having sex? Enjoy the moment.
no, not enough. I wished I was that simple.

that book sounds interesting, misha.
posted by krautland at 10:13 AM on June 29, 2009


When I'm having sex with someone, I'm thinking about having sex with them. Occasionally I'll think about more mundane things like something I forgot to do in order to make myself last longer.

When I'm masturbating, I think about how much the people I'm watching have sex are enjoying themselves.

So really, both are the same thing for me. Watching people enjoy themselves while enjoying myself.
posted by BishopFistwick at 10:33 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


While I'm mostly the kind of person you say you aren't, the kind of person who stays in the moment, I do think about something unusual while having sex: other extreme tactile sensations. I'll imagine I'm being buoyed by cool, bubbly water or that I feel warm sunlight and cool breeze over my skin, as if instantly transported to an idyllic fantasy glen. I'll imagine being swallowed in long, impossibly soft fur, filled to my fingertips with thick warm electric goo that hardens, or that I'm sliding off of a giant, grippy surface, like a giant sheet of taut rubber. There's always a visual component too, to these fantasy sensations - impossible locales. Beaches, strange modernist platforms, all in bright colors, even a sense of music underlining the tone.

Anyway, I just realized this. I think it started because, like many women, weird, pretty images would just zip through my head, and I liked them, so I held on to them. I imagine the male and female orgasmic expereiences are very different, but it seems like something you could try, and I feel like it envigorates my senses, heightening my sexual enjoyment in a way I rather prefer to just thinking about other kinky things I could be doing with other kinky people.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:40 AM on June 29, 2009 [3 favorites]


no, not enough. I wished I was that simple.

Time to kick up your game then. You seem to be focused on specific images and then when you have the reality you don't know what to do. I see no reason why you can't still fantasize about her if you're having sex with her. Maybe you're a sailor new in town and she's some floozy you picked up in bar. Maybe she's a powerful business woman and you're sex toy secretary. Maybe you're Kirk and she's Spock, whatever. The point is that there's more that you two could be doing that what you're currently doing, so try imagining that?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:18 AM on June 29, 2009


Masturbating - thinking about sex with those in the pictures.
Sex - I think about nothing because I'm on such a high.
posted by wackybrit at 11:23 AM on June 29, 2009


When I'm having sex with someone, I'm thinking about having sex with them.
would you mind elaborating on that please?

Time to kick up your game then. (...) The point is that there's more that you two could be doing that what you're currently doing, so try imagining that?
maybe I should be more specific: I have no issue getting aroused, staying that or keeping myself from orgasming. the issue is getting over the last hump, reaching the orgasm myself. that doesn't happen from friction alone, that happens from a combination thereof and the right thoughts. only both in conjunction tingle my spidey senses enough. I feel somewhat ridiculous imagining her to be something that just by opening my eyes I am instantly reminded she is not, isn't doing or isn't happening. that kills it for me. it makes something great suddenly only second best.

Sex - I think about nothing because I'm on such a high.
damn it, am I that jaded?
posted by krautland at 11:42 AM on June 29, 2009


I feel somewhat ridiculous imagining her to be something that just by opening my eyes I am instantly reminded she is not, isn't doing or isn't happening.

Don't open your eyes?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:10 PM on June 29, 2009


Solo: current partner, or if single, past or possible future partner. No celebs, no made up people, no one I wouldn't actually engage with. I like reality in my fantasy.

With someone: immersed in the moment, or enhancing the moment by fantasizing partner is also/instead doing this (not as a substitute for communicating actual desires) or that our location is actually that or that we have an audience or are being recorded.
posted by notashroom at 12:19 PM on June 29, 2009


someone wrote: When I'm having sex with someone, I'm thinking about having sex with them.
krautland wrote: would you mind elaborating on that please?

I know that during sex, I generally think "Oh, that feels good. Yum! Mmm" and so on--I don't have a story, I'm just reacting.

While masturbating, I am generally thinking about something else (like reading a non-sexy book), but sometimes I have a story. Such stories vary greatly, but they usually involve either sex with the husband or sex with handsome and/or beautiful strangers.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:20 PM on June 29, 2009


maybe I should be more specific: I have no issue getting aroused, staying that or keeping myself from orgasming. the issue is getting over the last hump, reaching the orgasm myself. that doesn't happen from friction alone, that happens from a combination thereof and the right thoughts. only both in conjunction tingle my spidey senses enough. I feel somewhat ridiculous imagining her to be something that just by opening my eyes I am instantly reminded she is not, isn't doing or isn't happening. that kills it for me. it makes something great suddenly only second best

This used to happen a lot with the last man in my life. What worked was adding additional tactile sensations or stimulating other senses (heat and cold worked well, as did breezes from a fan). FWIW, he was a real death grip masturbator and there was simply no way that the friction from sex or BJs was going to be as intense. He could be on the verge of orgasm for an hour (more frustrating than it sounds, for both of us - sexual marathons are fun, but not when they're the only sex you're having and they're not intentional) but would find getting over the edge difficult - especially if he'd suppressed the urge to cum early on. We did find ourselves having a fair bit of waking up sex - I can't remember it ever taking him more than a few minutes to cum from an early morning blow job.

Another thing I've found can work is getting my partner to verbalise the images and fantasies that are going through their head - Bridget Fonda was a favourite sex aid in one of my past relationships.
posted by Lolie at 12:25 PM on June 29, 2009


Hmm. When I'm being my own best friend, the options are largely endless--someone I know, someone I don't know, random celebrity, whatever.

When I'm having sex with someone I'm usually thinking 'About goddamn time Goddamn, yeah!'

Is this a usual thing for you? Do you generally have difficulty living in the moment? If so, that may well be the nub of the issue and sex is a red herring.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:55 PM on June 29, 2009


When I'm having sex with someone, I'm thinking about having sex with them.
would you mind elaborating on that please?


I'm not the person who wrote that originally, but I agree with the thought. I'm thinking about what's happening to me and how it feels. It's not exactly an inner monologue, more like lizard brain thoughts like "good, more, there, I like that sound." I'm also thinking about my partner's responses. Those reactions help me along--moans, changes in breathing, involuntary movement. Stretching this into an analogy, imagine if you were tasting food and trying to identify an ingredient. I'm not thinking about what I'd like the ingredient to be, or what I think the cook might have used, I'm thinking about what I taste right then. Hot, sweet, sour, spicy, salty, etc. as I'm tasting them on my tongue. My brain doesn't shut down, but it gets a lot less imaginative.

Masturbation is the total opposite. It's much more about a narrative in my head than about concentrating on the physical sensations until the very last seconds, and then I don't care about the story I'm telling myself, I just think about the sensations.
posted by gladly at 3:39 PM on June 29, 2009 [5 favorites]


Yes, sex with someone: I'm concentrating on the pleasure, the sensations, and the moment. There is no switch, there is a smooth transition between feeling warm and friendly to sexy and back again. I remember I used to think about sex during the act more - but over the past few years I've really learned to just revel in the sensations.

Masturbating: whatever porn/erotica that clicks with my fantasies and provokes an orgasm asap. A switch turns on in my head, a very different feeling than sex, and I just follow that feeling till I'm done, and the switch turns off. I've never been able to fantasize about actual persons, I however greatly enjoy the fantasies of others (porn, erotica, etc).
posted by Locochona at 5:23 PM on June 29, 2009


I don't know if this'll help too much because I'm a girl... but I usually think about either:
(A) Nothing...The feelings are so good that I don't need any mental imagery.
(B) Fantasizing...maybe my arousal is slipping and I want to kick it up a bit. Usually I either close my eyes, or sometimes my bf blindfolds, me if we're using accessories. Then I think about various "scenarios" (haha) that I have used when masturbating.
(C) Having sex with my partner...this is either me thinking about how we look together, me imaging how the sex feels for him, or me projecting into the future about how he is going to cum inside of me, etc.

In a given session I might have various periods from all three! Part of sex I definitely think is realizing that no one is going to touch you exactly how you would touch yourself. Like when I am single, I masturbate a lot, but when I'm in a relationship I intentionally hold back. That way when my partner touches me, I'm not comparing it to how I touch myself. Also I more needy, so it makes me more sensitive anyway. Maybe you could try not masturbating for a few days/a week before you have sex with your girl?

Ultimately I think it is better to get out of your head as much as possible when your having sex. However being able to transition from 'being in the moment' to using a fantasy or fantasizing about having sex with your partner, and then back again, I think is a great strategy that at least works for me.

Also, do you have a lot of stress going on? I find I need to fantasize more when other things are weighing on my mind, so I can tune those stressful thoughts out. When I am relaxed, I find I don't need to think during sex so much. Maybe there are other things going on that are making it hard for you to relax? I hope some of this helps!
posted by amileighs at 6:50 PM on June 29, 2009


When I'm with a partner and things are going really well, I'm not only not thinking, but I'm immersed in very pleasant, low-grade hallucinations. I know I had a good time when I lie back afterwards and think, "Wait a minute... I was a velvet curtain?"

Never happens when I'm flying solo, sadly.
posted by timeo danaos at 6:53 PM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


If you're finding it hard to keep your mind in the moment, try paying attention to your breathing. This technique works in many other situations as well.
posted by tomcooke at 12:25 AM on June 30, 2009


Don't open your eyes?
impossible. you haven't seen her.

Do you generally have difficulty living in the moment?
absolutely. this might be a larger issue.
posted by krautland at 9:54 AM on July 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Then it would seem that's where to start.

Probably a good way to start exploring that sort of mindfulness is via food, due to the obvious parallels with sex. The very next time you eat something, no matter what it is, take a bite. Close your eyes, and just experience the textures and flavours in your mouth. Don't think about 'this isn't salty enough' or 'next I'll have some of that', just experience the flavours. Tasting wine is another very good way to do this.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:48 AM on July 5, 2009


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