An awkward moment lead to an invitation ... should I accept it?

June 28, 2009 4:31 PM

I have been invited to a party just in order to make up for the faux pas of having it mentioned numerous times in my presence when I was not yet invited. Should I go? If not, how do I do so without burning any bridges?

I was invited to my neighbour's place the other day, while some of her friends were there. During this visit (imagine a relaxed conversation on the porch in a summer evening), numerous times other people mentioned a mid-week party ("What should I bring?"), which I had not been invited to. Although I felt it was a bit rude for these people to bring up said party, I did not expect to be invited (I barely know these people), neither did I express any awkwardness.

However, eventually the people that will throw the party moved inside to get something, and it is my impression that at this point they discussed the faux pas (they were not the ones who committed it), and when they reemerged to leave (at which time I was leaving as well), they invited me to this birthday party. Not knowing what to say, I thanked them, and said I'd be glad to go.

However, because I have met these people only a handful of times, and because it seems they made the invitation out of politeness as opposed to genuine desire to have me attend, I am inclined not to go -- I am also a bit shy, and while they all speak English, I believe the party will essentially be in the local language (the native language of the birthday person and of most of his friends, I assume), which is very new to me, and which I can barely buy groceries with.

I only hesitate because I am in a new city where I don't know anyone, and these people are some of the very few people I have met in almost a year (and they are nice, but it is not like were have all connected ... we just happen to have the same mother tongue). I would hate to offend them, although I suspect my absence would be a non-event.

My questions are:

(1) Should I go? Is it a good idea to go to a party where you just kinda know ~5 people, and when you were the invitation sprung out of an awkward moment?

(2) If I don't go, how do I make sure I don't offend anyone? I was thinking of making a lame excuse ("I have collaborators in town from abroad (which is true), and I am expected to entertain them (which is not)"), dropping off a bottle of reasonably nice wine at the neighbor as asking her to give it in my place along with apologies for the absence. Would that smooth things out and not make me look anti-social and rude?

posted by TheyCallItPeace to human relations (30 comments total)

Could it be that they are genuinely interested in you and want to hang out?
posted by nikkorizz at 4:37 PM on June 28

I would just do a pop-in. go to the party for just a few minutes - think of some excuse why you can not stay, but stop in and say hello and be polite. go early - leave at your first chance to break
posted by Flood at 4:37 PM on June 28

Go to the party, enjoy yourself and make some new friends in your new city.
posted by torquemaniac at 4:42 PM on June 28 [4 favorites has favorites]

Hey, my personal philosophy is that everyone I meet is a potential friend. This seems like a great opportunity to get to know some people in your neighbourhood and make new friends.

Then again, I am an incurable extrovert and chatterbox.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:43 PM on June 28

I think if you truly weren't welcome, either you wouldn't have been at the neighbor's house with other people there, and the other people would've been more careful to avoid mentioning the party.

It is totally a GREAT idea to go to a party where you have been invited, especially when you are in a new city and these are some of the few people you know.

Be warm, relaxed and act happy to be part of the event, even if you're not engaged in meaningful conversation with anyone. You're absence might be a non-event, but your presence could be a plus.

You may connect with these acquaintances or you may meet some friends of friends who you connect with. Go! Have fun!
posted by Locochona at 4:45 PM on June 28

Go make conversations and potential friends. You aren't a native and you are obviously new to the language and probably the culture so you have a natural thing to talk about with the people at the party. Go for it.
posted by mmascolino at 4:45 PM on June 28

You're really overthinking this. You have no idea what the hosts were talking about inside the house. They could have been talking about anything. The fact is that if you made a horrible impression on them and they hated you, they probably wouldn't have invited you to the party, faux pas notwithstanding. So they had to like you at least a little.

Anyway, I'd say go if you feel like making some new friends. Otherwise, how would you offend them by not showing up? You said yourself that you barely know them.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:58 PM on June 28

Go.
posted by grouse at 4:58 PM on June 28

Don't assume that they don't want you there. This situation has happened to me before, but in reverse. I had organized a big dinner party with a bunch of friends and about a week later met a New Friend. At a communal gathering my dinner party was brought up numerous times and the next day I sent an email to the New Friend inviting them along. I wasn't trying to make up for the faux pas - I genuinely wanted New Friend there.
posted by meerkatty at 4:58 PM on June 28

I'd go and stay as long as you feel comfortable (depending on the size, it's doubtful anyone is going to notice if you're not socializing too much -- don't worry about it). A bottle of wine or some beer is a nice gesture, if you'd like, but probably not necessary. Knowing 5 people is just fine -- that's a good way to meet other people.

I am pretty introverted but if I'm invited to something, I make every effort I can to go. It's not always easy for me to overcome the desire to stay home, but it's usually worth it. As long as I don't overthink things, it's fine. I've found that not having any expectations, whether good or bad, help quite a bit in social situations. Don't worry too much about it, relax and just have fun.
posted by darksong at 5:05 PM on June 28

Have you met the person whose birthday party it is?
posted by jacquilynne at 5:17 PM on June 28

It's entirely possible that the hosts felt it would be too forward of them to invite you to the mid-week party. Maybe they didn't want to come off as pushy, or they didn't know if you'd get along with their friends. Their friends had none of this anxiety and assumed you'd be coming.

You should go. If you decide not to, don't lie about having to entertain someone else, lest they insist you bring them over.

As for the language barrier, it can be intimidating, but exposure is only going to help you get better. You'll probably find someone who'll want to practice their English anyway.
posted by hydrophonic at 5:28 PM on June 28

If you don't know the person whose birthday is being celebrated, I don't think I would go if I were you.

However, if these people are from a different culture (which I'm guessing, if English isn't their native language), that might decide the answers to your questions. For generic American culture (which is mine), I'd say you wouldn't have to give anything to make up for your absence, but maybe suggest to the would-be hosts that you could do something with them at some other point. "I'm really sorry I can't attend, but I really would be glad to have you over for dinner sometime next week!"
posted by Ms. Saint at 5:37 PM on June 28

I have met the person whose birthday is being celebrated -- he was one of the guests at my neighbor's, and I met him maybe 2 or 3 other times under similar circumstances -- and it was him and his wife who invited me.

While it is not unconceivable that they want me there, I am pretty sure that if I had not happened to be at this minor function, no such invitation would have been extended.

I guess it just feels like the invitation has been tainted somewhat, but maybe Afroblanco has it right: I might be overthinking all of this.
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 5:47 PM on June 28

I think the birthday person asking you to attend is another point in favor of going. I am shy and I am sometimes very sensitive to the possibility of not really being wanted at social gatherings, but in this kind of situation I would still make myself go, give a modest gift and stay at least long enough to meet a new person or two. Sometimes I surprise myself by warming up to the occasion and enjoying it, or find that others have enjoyed having me there. If I don't and feel awkward for over half an hour or so, I slip out after thanking the host to go to some other activity.
posted by PY at 6:10 PM on June 28

Well, there are two possibilities here:

a) They were correcting a faux pas that relatively few people these days even seem to be aware *is* a faux pas -- talking about a party that someone isn't invited to in front of that person isn't something that most people seem to even know is kinda rude.
b) Having met you again and had a nice time visiting with you, someone said 'Hey, I was just thinking we should invite Peace to the birthday party, he's a nice guy.' And then the birthday boy said, 'Yeah, he seems cool, definitely ask him if he can make it.'

If you're reasonably sure it's the former and not the latter, and it's a relatively small party, then I'd find a reason not to go.

But it could quite well be the latter, and if it's a largish party anyway, then go and make new friends.

If you're really, really not sure, and it's a smallish party you could ask your neighbour. Phrase it as 'I forget I had this thing on that night, and while it'd be nice to go to John's party, I'd have to try to reschedule my X. Do you feel like John really wants me there, or was it just a sort of random invitation because I happened to be at your place?' That gives you an out if your neighbour sounds hesitant on the really wanted you there bit, or if he says something like 'Oh, no, your X sounds like it's more important. It's just going to be a very casual thing, no need to worry about making it if you have something else.' Which would, of course, be politeness code for 'we only invited you because it would be rude not to.'
posted by jacquilynne at 6:12 PM on June 28

Just because they didn't invite you to begin with doesn't mean that they don't want you at the party. You say you've only met these people a handful of times, it's completely plausible that since you've met so few times that your name never came up when they were originally creating the guest list.

My vote is go. If things are awkward or your not having a good time say thank you and leave.

PLUS, it's a birthday! The more the merrier!
posted by ASM at 6:37 PM on June 28

In these situations, my best friend and I like to reference "You Are Invited" by The Dismemberment Plan. In other words, it's okay, and yes, go to the party for a while!
posted by val5a at 7:11 PM on June 28

We have people over a lot. Sometimes it's spontaneous where friends drop by and other times I plan out a casual dinner party. Inviting someone like you is exactly what I love to do .. add someone new to the mix, someone I maybe don't know that well but who seems interesting and personable. Some of our best gatherings bring together people from different points in our lives .. work associates of mine or my husband, other parents from the neighborhood, old friends from school, and sometimes a random new person we've just met, like you.

I'm just saying, it's entirely possible that they don't feel sorry for you but that they think you'll enjoy the party and that they'll enjoy having you there. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar".

Go. Take a bottle of wine and see what happens. You can always sip a drink and stand to the side and take in the scene. I hope you have a good time .. I bet you will.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:20 PM on June 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Go. If it sucks, make your excuses and leave.

It probably won't suck.
posted by flabdablet at 7:48 PM on June 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am pretty sure that if I had not happened to be at this minor function, no such invitation would have been extended.

That's not at all unusual, at least in my circle of friends: If you happen to be around when an acquaintance is talking about an upcoming event, chances are good that you'll get invited. And not out of embarrassment, or pity, or whatever you're imagining, but because the inviter maybe didn't know you well enough to put you on the original invite, or even to think of putting you on it, but feels that the more, the merrier. Acquaintances have become friends many times because they either invited me somewhere, or I invited them... I mean, that's how relationships advance.

You should go, you'll likely make some new friends.
posted by amro at 7:56 PM on June 28 [2 favorites has favorites]

Go if you feel like going . Don't go if you don't feel like going. Don't worry about how you got invited.
posted by gt2 at 8:44 PM on June 28

I once met up with some friends-of-friends and the much of the conversation was the surprise birthday party they were planning for one of their husbands. I had no reason to be invited to this party, I didn't really know the husband well. But after an afternoon of hearing about this party, it was not surprising to me to get an invitation for my husband and I. I felt awkward, and yes, we went. We were like - "surprise! you hardly know us!"

But - we had a nice time at the party, and it formed the basis for some truly enjoyable friendships that we've had for several years. I am so glad I got over the awkwardness I felt about the invite and went!
posted by pinky at 8:54 PM on June 28

I just want to add (at this late date) that I have been in the role of the host in this situation, where I felt it would have been rude to not extend the invitation to someone even though I was not originally intending to invite them. In that situation I have made a huge point to invite them warmly and sincerely. If they didn't come to the party, I felt really guilty that I didn't make it clear enough that they were welcome.
It's a party; a chance for people to mingle and maybe meet new friends. I say go, meet some new people, take the opportunity to get to know those 5 people better, practice the local language. If you still feel awkward after a reasonable amount of time, than make an excuse and leave. Definitely bring an inexpensive, but nice host(ess) gift, and whatever is customary for bringing to birthday parties in your area.
posted by purpletangerine at 5:31 AM on June 29

I am also a bit shy, and while they all speak English, I believe the party will essentially be in the local language (the native language of the birthday person and of most of his friends, I assume), which is very new to me, and which I can barely buy groceries with.

If you're like me then this is probably an attempt to rationalize your natural tendency to avoid social situations. And in my experience when I try to talk myself out of going to some event with people I don't know very well but end up going anyway, most of the time I end up having a good time and feel silly that I even thought about not going. The worst that could happen is that it won't be that fun of a party, and that's not the end of the world. As others have said, you should go because if it does end up being weird or awkward you can just leave early. As a shy person you need to put in some extra effort and go to these kinds of random events, because your shyness will probably mean that you'll meet and talk to less new people than average.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:08 AM on June 29

While it is not unconceivable that they want me there, I am pretty sure that if I had not happened to be at this minor function, no such invitation would have been extended.

Maybe, but that might be less because they felt obligated to invite you on account of the faux pas, and more because having you present when the party came up in conversation made them realize that they actually really wanted you there. This kind of thing happens in my social circles a lot. Go if you want to.
posted by lampoil at 8:09 AM on June 29

The way to make friends in a new city is to never turn down an invitation.

(also- in my own personal dialect, and even in other countries, "not being able to speak the language" ACTUALLY means "there will be good ethnic food there. " ymmv. I come from a WASPy background, so all "ethnic" food is better than my native food.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:39 PM on June 29

Just go, this is how you meet new people. They wouldnt invite you if they didnt like you,
posted by Penelope at 8:55 AM on June 30

So, in the end, I went, and I did not regret it -- in fact, I might even have had some fun!
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 6:12 AM on July 1

Glad to hear it!
posted by small_ruminant at 7:38 AM on July 1