I can't control myself around you
June 25, 2009 8:55 PM   Subscribe

How can I get more will power? More specifically when it comes to guys? Even more specifically, to exes, and calling them?

I've never really had a lot of will power. When I want something, I do it or eat it. When I can't do something I say "eh, who needs this anyway?" and don't push myself to get better. But it's never really been a problem.

What annoys me is that I have absolutely no will power when it comes to not calling or texting exes. Usually it's with guys where things ended OK, not too bad (their decision though), and I know if they wanted to they'd call to hang out, I still think "well, he gave me a lingering hug when we bumped into each other the other day, what's the harm in calling?" There really isn't, but it really would be better to leave the past in the past, or at least let them call if they want to see me or anything. I wish I had more self control. Same with texting drunk. Sure, my friends can take the phone away on those nights, but usually there's no one to do that on a regular non-drinking day. This results in, well, you all know what calling exes and drunk texting results in. And it's usually OK, but still, I'd rather have the self control to avoid this. And it's crazy how I can pick up the phone literally 2 minutes after I've convinced myself that I WILL NOT CALL.

Another example is asking a guy I would be interested to hang out repeatedly if they say no. If they straight out tell me 'no' then I don't ask again, but if I know that they were interested in me in some way, or they said no because they were busy that day, then in my head I start rationalizing - "if they were obviously interested in me a month ago, and they're just busy, I can ask them to hang out again." Or if an activity comes up that I know they enjoy, I'll ask them to join me, rationalizing it in my head as it's not ME asking them OUT, it's just me saying "hey I'm going to do this, want to join me?" And even though in the back of my mind I think "I've asked him to hang out like 3 times already, if he ever wanted to he would've made time or asked me himself by now," the other half of my brain says "what's the big deal - he likes Taking Back Sunday, I'm about to buy tickets, might as well casually ask!" Well I'd rather have the self control to not ask.

Any suggestions?
posted by KateHasQuestions to Human Relations (18 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Usually we turn to these things when other issues are pressuring us. Be sure you've fully dealt with whatevers going on in your life outside the bar.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:34 PM on June 25, 2009


Don't have any definitive answers, here's what I see: You spend a lot of time in your head and use that time to convince yourself that the world fits what you want, which isn't necessarily reality. So maybe it's not a question of willpower, 'cause you're thinking it's ok to call the exes and what not. Perhaps you need to come to a better understanding of how other people really are and whether it really is good for you to be hanging out with them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:45 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]


Do you have a close friend you can call instead? Just pick up the phone and call or text said friend: "Hey, I'm resisting calling exbf. I called you instead, can we chat for 10 minutes?"

Or call your mom. If she's anything like mine, she's got something to nag you about that will totally take your mind off the exes.
posted by mollymayhem at 9:52 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]


Sounds like you have a larger and more powerful Imp of the Perverse than many of us. What you have to understand is that your only choice, and I grant you, it's a Hobson's choice in practical terms, is that you live your life, or your Imp's. I say it's a Hobson choice, because it sounds like you're living your Imp's life now, and don't like it, and want something different. Ergo, you have to learn to duke it out with your Imp, and win.

Will power, self-control, judgement, an even keel, or whatever you want to call it, is basically just getting to the point where you can enjoy having your Imp, laugh at his more brazen suggestions, take his advice no more than once a decade (and hopefully, to a memorable result), and otherwise live your life like a person with a less bothersome Imp.

The good news is, the more you learn to ignore your Imp, the easier it gets...
posted by paulsc at 10:21 PM on June 25, 2009 [13 favorites]


I have battled/am battling this one myself, especially when I'm really missing someone or feeling really lonely. I try to feel whether it is the right time to act or not. If there's a whole bunch of resistance around an idea (or action) or I'm having to mount some big argument in my head over it, then it's probably not the right time. This seems to walk hand-in-hand with being a more patient person, but when I have really listened to and trusted my inner voice, it has brought better results. Also, you have to value the better result more than spicing things up with some drama and instant gratification, which is certainly not the easiest thing when consumed by feelings of boredom and/or loneliness.

Here's a good quote that helped me: "Loneliness is the unsatisfied thirst for illusion" -Kobo Abe
posted by melangell at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]


I can really, really relate to the first paragraph in your [more inside] bit. And like you, there are only a few things that I really think I ought to control better than my natural tendencies allow. My method hasn't been fool-proof, but it has started working more and more for me.

When you start to think about calling/texting an ex (or whatever the thing is), take a beat and just stop. Stop and remind yourself that it's a choice you're making. You can rationalize all you want, but it's a choice. You can choose to be the person who does X or the person who doesn't. The more times choose to be the person who doesn't, the more like that person you will become. I guess it's an activity in self-awareness, more than anything, and it sounds kind of hokey when I type it out like this. But it's been working for me.

The hard part is, I think, remembering to take that initial pause.
posted by juliplease at 10:36 PM on June 25, 2009 [6 favorites]


What annoys me is that I have absolutely no will power when it comes to not calling or texting exes.

Calling or texting your ex is like scratching an itch; it seems unbearable not to give in to the urge. So you have to retrain yourself to bear with it. The trick is to have a plan for what you can choose to do instead when the impulse strikes. Seriously -- make a list of 10 or 15 things you can do immediately instead when the impulse strikes (and attach the list to your phone, if need be). Call or text a different friend. Walk around the block. Do 20 reps with hand weights. Make a cup of tea. Go play with the cat.

It also might help to envision your time NOT calling/texting as mileage accumulating on an odometer. The longer you go, the further mileage you put on that car as you travel further down the road in getting over him. But if you call, you set yourself right back to zero.
posted by scody at 11:09 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]


If you really want the "self-control" to not call, you can just hallucinate negative consequences that might follow from calling... and then hallucinate even more negative consequences that follow from the first tier of negative consequences... and then hallucinate yet more negative consequences, stacking up fears and horrors and humiliations until the idea of calling your ex feels like watching Bambi lose his mother. Or you can take the other tack, imagining the rewards from doing something specific other than calling... and then imagining enjoyable consequences... and then more enjoyable consequences, and yet more enjoyable consequences, until the idea of reading that book you've been meaning to read, or writing that letter to that old friend you've been waiting to write to, seems like exactly the rewarding and validating and fulfilling experience you've been needing.

There is, I think, another point to consider:

You seem to be assuming that calling an ex, or that guy who gave you a lingering hug, is categorically bad and wrong... rather than, for example, a statement about you being an adventurous and courageous person who knows what she likes, or is willing to explore until she finds it.

When you think about someone calling an ex, what does that say about her? When someone feels the urge to call her ex, but for whatever reason does not, what does that say?

Is there a more generous light through which you can view your habits, one that comforts you enough to naturally find your way to behaviors you both approve of and enjoy?
posted by darth_tedious at 11:46 PM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]


My problem was my ex calling me. And I always answered when I should have let most of those calls go to voicemail.

I changed his name in my phone to "R U sure U want to deal with this?" and when that popped up on the screen it gave me enough pause before I automatically answered to think, No, actually I do not want to deal with this right now. (Or sometimes, Yes, I can handle this right now.) So maybe a suitable message you have to see before you hit send would help force a moment of reflection.
posted by little e at 12:02 AM on June 26, 2009 [8 favorites]


It could help to enlist others. I'm pretty independent and also don't often subvert my natural will to "will power" or the judgments of others. However, when there's something that I just.keep.doing and I can't control myself anymore, then I have found that getting others in on the struggle can help to keep me on track. It makes me accountable to more than myself.

The problem isn't that you lack will power, it's that you have a very powerful will already that needs more maturity and guidance.
posted by Danila at 1:18 AM on June 26, 2009


Just remember "why" you and the exes broke up in the first place, there is always a reason but hold your ground...another way of thinking is.."the next one is always better"..there are lots of great people out there, and specially when are you feeling sad and lonely, trust me..I done this before, just take a deep deep breath, try to calm your heart down, until your emotion more relax then you will be fine...don't just call your girlfriend about this all the time, well, even thou that's what girlfriends for. Just love yourself more, cause you are special girl, there are tons of fun things and people out there, don't let the exes bugs your mind and life too much....good luck
posted by sugerrabbit at 1:24 AM on June 26, 2009


I think the key to having more willpower in this situation is understanding yourself better. Take some time to really think about your reasons for wanting to hang out with your exes and/or wanting to not hang out with your exes. A better understanding of the reasons why one part of you is telling you to call/text your exes and why another part of you is telling you not to will help you make better choices.

Are you getting in touch with your exes because you generally enjoy their company as friends and want to hang out with them? If so, why do you want to stop it? As darth_tedious pointed out, there's nothing "wrong" with this - it works for some people, and for others it doesn't. You need to figure out what you feel comfortable with and what you want, not what "society" thinks is right/wrong.

Or are you getting in touch with your exes because you want to get back together with them?

Or are you feeling insecure because you are always the one asking these exes to hang out as friends, and yet they never reciprocate and ask you to hang out?

And conversely, do you not want to hang out with them because you just don't enjoy it? Or because you don't want the post-breakup hookups to happen? Or because you aren't over them yet? Or because you feel they don't really want to be your friends, since they don't contact you?

I realize it probably doesn't sound like I'm answering your question about having more will power - but personally I think examining what exactly is your reason for contacting your exes will give you better perspective about yourself and the choices you make. From your post I honestly could not tell why you want to hang out with them, or why you wanted to stop - and I get the impression you might not be sure yourself yet.
posted by Squee at 1:38 AM on June 26, 2009


I agree with Little. Change the names in your address book to a phrase that will give you pause and help you "snap" out of it! I use this trick myself to keep from answering phone calls from folks I shouldn't encourage to contact me, and I can easily see how it would work in the opposite direction.

My phone allows me to assign multiple contacts the same name, so the phrase I use is "reject" (as in "reject call.") This way, when "reject" pops up on my caller id, it can be any number of people, so I don't dare take a chance and answer - not ever.

Alternatively, why not delete the numbers of the people that you feel dubious about texting? You are correct in that if they want to get in touch, they will call you. Deleting their contact info will definitely keep you out of trouble;)

Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 2:03 AM on June 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


Put it out of your ability to make calls on the spur of the moment by deleting their numbers, or changing their name on the phone to a reminder, "what are you getting out of this call?" or similar, as suggested above. After a while of not doing it, you won't feel the urge so badly.

Most people don't actually have very good willpower, it's pretty normal. The people I know who seem to have it, think of it differently - for them, it's about making their moment-by-moment decisions based on long-term goals, not short-term desires.
posted by harriet vane at 2:22 AM on June 26, 2009


I used to do this very same thing, and what I learned over the years about myself is that it was not the particular guy that I was after, but the emotional risk of calling him, "the thrill of the chase."

If this is the case, then the solution (which worked for me) is to find ways to take risks in your life that will make you feel good in the end, instead of feeling weak. In my case, I was bored with my life. I went back to school and made a career change. I moved. I started hiking. I quit smoking. In other words, I ventured into the unknown, took risks with *myself* and the urge to do those self-destructive things with men eventually went away.
posted by weesha at 5:30 AM on June 26, 2009 [5 favorites]


So maybe a suitable message you have to see before you hit send would help force a moment of reflection.

Just delete their numbers from your phone. It'll give you a guaranteed couple of minutes to think about whether or not you want to call them. It'll also give you a chance to see if there's a friendship worth following-- if they call you after realizing you're not making the first move, you'll probably feel more comfortable about the situation.

Of course, if you have their phone numbers memorized, this is a moot point.
posted by oinopaponton at 9:09 AM on June 26, 2009


2nding deleting the numbers from your phone. This will definitely stop the drunk calling and texting.

Your last example throws me off though. I don't see anything wrong with asking someone who you know and who also likes x if they want to join you while you x. I see that as just being considerate and outgoing. I have friends that do this to me all the time when I get into a hermit shrew cycle and eventually the badgering gets me out of the house and I end up having a good time with friends.

If your fear is that you look desperate or like you don't get it when someone doesn't like you, my personal opinion is not to worry about it. You're just doin' your thang. As long as you are'nt annoying about it (repeated phone calls to go to the same event, probing as to why someone declines an invite) I don't really think your friends (including ex's) will see you this way.

It might do you some good to meet some new friends so that you have a wider net of people to hang out with, since your established friends seem to be less available. And if you are interested in a guy, what's wrong with chattin him up and hangin out as friends? It's a great way to see if you want to actually date him.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:21 PM on June 26, 2009


Lots of cell providers now have an option to block up to 15 numbers. You can't send or receive calls or texts. It's cheap and I highly recommend it; it's also easily reversed (but not so easy when you set up a series of passwords and login questions so that you aren't tempted to reverse it when you're drunk, angry, or stuck somewhere alone).

You can also set up filters that automatically send emails from that person in the trash. They're not auto-deleted--you can still go and find them. Or you can have them never appear anywhere, including the trash...

It's a lot easier to stick to a commitment if reneging is not only inconvenient, but actually difficult.

On your third point, hanging out with friends that you would consider dating or having sex with is not technically a date until you make a move or verbally indicate interest. There is NOTHING wrong with having opposite-sex friends (or same-sex friends if you're homosexual). What's wrong is when you put emotional expectations on a friendship that are not reciprocated once lack of interest is shown by the other party.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:54 PM on June 26, 2009


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