What should I ask him?

June 24, 2009 11:26 AM

He is "seeing" someone. I want to hookup with him. What should I ask him?

I'm a recently single girl (27 y.o.) I met a hot guy a couple years older. There has been sexual tension between him and I. He looks at me I look at me..we say hi and bye, smiles here and there. A couple weeks back I ran into him one night and I end up at his place. He makes the first moves. I ask him before we do anything else if he is seeing anyone else and he says he is but from how he said it didn't sound serious. We have a fun time, we do everything, but have sex. I see him again (not at his place) and he asks how i'm doing. I let him know that I want to hangout again. He tells me via txt that he does but if i'm fine with him seeing someone else. He tells me he's been seeing her for 4 and half months and I tell him i'm alright with that. Now i'm thinking this over because "seeing" someone could mean a lot of things. I would only like to see him for sex. I'm not looking for a relationship with him, but I want him interested enough to keep him wanting to booty call me. I would like seconds and thirds. And thinking it over I'm only okay with going ahead with this another time if the relationship he has with the SO is not exclusive, or an open relationship or if he can tell me when its not okay with him to keep seeing me anymore or if it becomes serious. How do I tell, ask him all of this? What would you ask him? What should I lookout for?

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 comments total)

Ask him if the woman he is seeing understands that their relationship is not exclusive. Accept that his answer may be a lie.
posted by amro at 11:33 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]

"I would only like to see you for sex. I'm not looking for a relationship with you. I'm only okay with going ahead with this another time if the relationship you have with the SO is not exclusive, or an open relationship, or if you can tell me when it's not okay with you to keep seeing me anymore or if it becomes serious."

Note: say this to him before you hit the sheets, e.g., avoid heat of the moment discussions.
posted by December at 11:33 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]

You should ask him nothing and run away. If he were open to having sex with you, he would tell you or do so outright. The fact that he does stuff with you while "seeing someone" (without disclosing, for example, that he is polyamorous or similar -- most poly folks I know are pretty dang clear about that sort of thing) leads me to believe that he would give you the same consideration he gives to this other chick -- in other words, not a whole lot.

This guy is a tool. Buhbye!
posted by Madamina at 11:34 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]

Just flat out ask him. It's not like to you stand to lose much if he says no.

But... I hope you'll reconsider pursuing this guy for a hookup. There are other hot guys in the world, and even for a hookup, it's always best to go for someone who consistently treats the women in his life well and responsibly. I don't like the fact that this guy has, I gather, fooled around with you without volunteering the information about whether his relationship is open or whatever.
posted by orange swan at 11:35 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]

I'd say that if he was honest about the fact that he was seeing someone but still went ahead and fooled around with you anyway, that chances are that he and she are NOT exclusive. (Either that, or he's a jackass -- and if he were a jackass, he probably would have lied about whether he's seeing someone, so there you go.)

I'd just keep it simple -- just let him know that if he ever decides he wants to get serious about that other girl, to let you know rather than just ignoring your call or pulling a disappearing act. And until he does, just have fun.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:35 AM on June 24

If you're okay with him sleeping with the other girl he is "seeing"--which he almost certainly is--as well as any other girls who come along and also want to hook up, by all means just keep right on doing what you are doing.
posted by misha at 11:41 AM on June 24

I'm going to guess that since he's disclosing that he's seeing someone, she's ok with a non-mutual relationship, and he's just trying to make sure YOU are ok with that. Still no harm in asking. I don't see why someone who wants to cheat on their non-consenting partner would ever bring it up with the booty call.
posted by shownomercy at 11:47 AM on June 24

Is it really that hard to find an unattached guy to sleep with? Have some respect, if not for yourself than for his SO.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:48 AM on June 24 [29 favorites]

Karma does exist. here, you will be dating 2 people. Their relationship will affect yours in ways that the three of you cannot see right now. She may be not seeing it at all. I would suggest finding out her opinion on all of this. If it isn't serious--I suspect it is, otherwise, why all of the sneaking around and questions, then you should be fine. If it is serious, you are setting yourself up for some consequences which will be the trade off for the sex you want to have.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:50 AM on June 24

most poly folks I know are pretty dang clear about that sort of thing

This has been my experience. If he were in an open relationship from the get-go, he would have said something about that at the time. He would have said "I am seeing someone and while they are my primary partner we're allowed to see people on the side" or something that was fairly clear. Since he wasn't clear, it's not clear what his situation is. The easiest way to figure this out is to ask him. That said, again in my experience, people who have some sort of "oh yeah my girlfriend is cool with it" explanation are often in a wishful thinking phase rather than a "me and my partner have talked about this, and what you and I are doing is within the range of what's okay" So I guess I'd want to know a few things.

- does the person he's seeing know he's seeing other people?
- is this okay with her?
- do they live together?
- if we continue to hook up are we going to have to sneak around [all of the above could be true and yet there still might be issues and that doesn't sond like the funtime you are looking for]?

And of course the obligatory safe sex thing: if you're seeing someone who is seeing someone else [who in turn could be seeing someone else] you have to be a lot more serious about safe sex, getting tested and the like, than if you were in a monogamous been-tested situation.
posted by jessamyn at 11:51 AM on June 24 [8 favorites]

I'm going to guess that since he's disclosing that he's seeing someone, she's ok with a non-mutual relationship

Not necessarily.

That said, if you don't know this guy's partner, you have to go on his characterization of the relationship. If he says that he and his partner are in an open relationship and she's all cool with him having fuckbuddies, and that appeals to you, then enjoy and have safe sex.

I don't see why someone who wants to cheat on their non-consenting partner would ever bring it up with the booty call.

Because they get off on fucking with people's heads. Says the woman who was cheated on in a polyamorous/open relationship--some times people just get off on breaking agreements, whatever those agreements are.

Have some respect, if not for yourself than for his SO.

If he and his partner are in an open relationship, it's not at all disrespectful to have a thing with him, because that's their agreement. Not every relationship is monogamous.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:54 AM on June 24

Just another thought, many/most people who are relatively young aren't necessary "poly" when sleeping around and dating people for only a few months. It's more of a lifestyle choice than a Lifestyle Choice and not everyone who is cool with multiple partners is necessarily into the whole Polyamorous thing (hey, maybe it's just for the sex!) or making loud declarations about open relationships. It seems pretty common for kids in their 20s to date around. Still, just ask...
posted by shownomercy at 12:05 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

you have no way of knowing whether his relationship is serious, monogamous or anything else without asking her and that's not a wise idea. look, he has an interest in coming to a certain conclusion. what you're asking is "how do I ask the car dealer who wants to fleece as much cash out of me to not do that and be fair" - it's just a non-starter.

accept that if this really were the open or polyamorous relationship he claims to be having she'd probably have been around already. look, if you were a bisexual girl and your man told you about this great other girl that wants to have sex do you really think you'd be sitting at home on the couch? do you really think she wouldn't say something akin to "hey, that sounds great, when do WE meet her?" yeah, me neither.

so let's see what else you could do:

(1) you could decide that what's going on between him and her is none of your business or concern. you are not obligated to watch out for anyone else and you know you are not looking for a serious relationship with this guy anyway. some may cry foul now but that is an option open to you and I am far too old to not understand that we all do have urges sometimes.

(2) you could decide that you wouldn't like being in her position yourself and walk away from the whole thing. that's just as fine. it's the moral but obviously less rewarding thing.

(3) you could decide that this guy is hot and great and all the things you want but that you are not going to poach him until he's single. that's the only terrible option because you put him into a position to either hurt someone else even more (I say that because obviously he's already quite a catch) or because you are opening yourself up for a lot of pain yourself.

you want a recommendation? ask yourself if this is the once-in-a-lifetime-fuck that you must have or you'll never again be able to enjoy strawberry jam on rye without thinking of him. if he's to you what fabio was to five year-old girls in 1983, then by all means go for it, enjoy the living hell out of it, walk away happy and never return. never pass up a chance to fulfill a dream.

if however he's just a boy and this is just a nice thing but nothing special, if this is the kind of thing that will fulfill you for a moment but leave you just as you were a day later, consider that the only way fucking is like adrenaline - it only works in the moment and very briefly afterwards. it's temporary and cheap. those other concerns and feelings though? they outlast the sensation.
posted by krautland at 12:07 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

look, if you were a bisexual girl and your man told you about this great other girl that wants to have sex do you really think you'd be sitting at home on the couch? do you really think she wouldn't say something akin to "hey, that sounds great, when do WE meet her?"

What? Not every bisexual person enjoys threesomes.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:18 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Also, not everyone in an open relationship is bisexual. krautland, I'm not seeing how your scenario is relevant to the poster's question.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:19 PM on June 24

What? Not every bisexual person enjoys threesomes. (...) Also, not everyone in an open relationship is bisexual
well, let me help you then. it would be an option but it's not the only possible one I outlined. it could also be that she'd want an introduction herself because a person with arguably similar tastes had found someone potentially interesting. I don't think this is the sort of guy who'd have the emotional security to sustain an open relationship with a straight girl, but suit yourself.
posted by krautland at 12:24 PM on June 24

He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. If he was in an open relationship, he'd have told you about it before you did "everything but sex", not afterwards.
posted by ook at 12:36 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]

if you really want to know if she thinks they are exclusive - ask.

people who say karma comes into play in this don't understand what karma is.

you have made zero commitments and you have a guy in front of you who enjoys you enough to want to hook up. find out hte particulars, make sure he knows you just want a booty call, and be careful - hell hath no fury and all that.

oh, and ask for his last round of std testing results. if it's been more than a couple months, make a date to the clinic.
posted by nadawi at 12:37 PM on June 24

A lot of men, myself included, would lie, cheat and steal if they could get sex from two women. Quite frankly, the odds are that he'll tell you what you want to hear so he can get you into the sack. Again, when someone wants sex, they don't always make the best decisions.

So, the issue here is really whether you're alright with being the "other woman" and prepared to deal with the baggage this position brings. He'll likely only see you as a booty call. If he wanted a relationship, he wouldn't be 'seeing' the other girl.

I wish you luck in your endeavors.
posted by reenum at 12:37 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

It sounds like he is cheating on his girlfriend with you. If you are cool with that, I would simply keep doing what you're doing. Personally, I think it's a good way to collect bad karma. I can't imagine there is a shortage of single dudes willing to have sex out there.
posted by chunking express at 12:53 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

A lot of men, myself included, would lie, cheat and steal if they could get sex from two women. Quite frankly, the odds are that he'll tell you what you want to hear so he can get you into the sack. Again, when someone wants sex, they don't always make the best decisions.

So, the issue here is really whether you're alright with being the "other woman" and prepared to deal with the baggage this position brings. He'll likely only see you as a booty call. If he wanted a relationship, he wouldn't be 'seeing' the other girl.

I wish you luck in your endeavors.

Bold added. Totally agree!
posted by jgirl at 1:00 PM on June 24

"It's always best to go for someone who consistently treats the women in his life well and responsibly."

How is *he* not being responsible?
posted by foooooogasm at 1:00 PM on June 24

Make sure the person he's seeing is okay with it. You can probably determine this by asking to meet her and hanging out with the two of them. If she is okay with it, then go for it. If not, leave him alone. As others have said, he will probably lie since you are a booty call if you just ask him, so you have to make sure the other girl is all right with it, to the best of your ability. (But, as others have also said, sounds like he's cheating on her with you, in which case get yourself out of that situation).
posted by Lobster Garden at 1:17 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Re: the "seeing" terminology, I would be pissed if I were the other partner because I don't think one "sees" someone for four months. "Seeing" to me is casual, and if you don't know in four months if you want to take it beyond casual AND you're messing around with someone else, then just be friends. The other partner could know and be fine with it, but I sense a disturbance in the force. Nthing the "you can do better."
posted by ShadePlant at 1:22 PM on June 24

He told you he's seeing someone and he had no problem with you knowing where he lives. The real question is whether the other woman he's "seeing" (a term which no two people seem to define the same way) is aware that their relationship is not exclusive. It sounds like he's making an effort to ensure that you are fully aware that your involvement will have boundaries, so it's possible he's equally honest with other women.

From what you've said, he's considered the possibility that you might not really be fine with it and has gone to the trouble of re-checking that you really are OK with it and not just saying so for "strategic" reasons. I don't think you can ask much more than that from a casual hook-up.

If you're concerned that the other woman is being deceived, then ask him outright whether you're being made an unwilling party to deception. He may lie, but most men aren't such adept liars that you won't notice something "off" about his response is he's being deceptive.

If he's a fundamentally honest person who isn't looking to exploit anyone, he'll answer whatever questions you have about his other involvements and not leave you to make assumptions from his tone. If he's not willing to answer those questions, then your assumption that his other involvement is not "serious" may be wrong. Whatever it is that you need to know in order to feel OK about continuing this involvement is what you need to ask him directly.
posted by Lolie at 1:34 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

A lot of men, myself included, would lie, cheat and steal if they could get sex from two women. Quite frankly, the odds are that he'll tell you what you want to hear so he can get you into the sack.

the important thing to remember here is that the OP seems to be totally fine getting into the sack. he's not taking advantage of her. he doesn't have to lie, cheat, or steal with her. if he tells her what she wants to hear it will be "i'd be glad to be your fuck buddy". she's not looking for a relationship.

honestly, as horrid as it sounds, if you're newly single and just want someone to screw occasionally, but you don't want to mess with the morning after and the complications of a relationship, dating an attached man fulfills those goals. the thing that gets said to women who are trying to build a long lasting relationship with an attached man as a point to dissuade gets to be a positive in the eyes of someone not looking for a partner - "he will never leave his wife/girlfriend."
posted by nadawi at 1:39 PM on June 24

If he wanted a relationship, he wouldn't be 'seeing' the other girl.

Or they could have an open relationship. I'm not sure why this concept is so alien to so many people who have computers and access to the Google.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:40 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]

people who say karma comes into play in this don't understand what karma is.

Karma is the process by which we are affected by the circumstances and choices which we create around us and how others are affected by the circumstances which they create around themselves.

Here, dear OP, karma will affect you. While a person is dating someone else, be it poly, open, monogamy with cheating, whatever, you will be affected by that relationship. When she wants to go out for drinks with him, he will have to cancel on you. When you are hurting inside and you want to talk with him, but he is with her, he will not be there for you, which will cause you pain. When you are horny and you want to have sex, but they are together somewhere else, you will be stymied. When you feel envy and jealousy because of their relationship, you will feel hurt. That is because of karma. It permeates the entire universe and I advise you think about the effects it has before making any decisions here. I advise to strongly take these thoughts into consideration.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:47 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]

How is this different from a woman who begins an extramarital affair with someone else's husband because the guy tells her how "unhappy" he is in his current relationship? You're only getting one side, and probably an inaccurate side.

I hate to be so judgmental (because I don't know you, but I do), but I am so sick of my women friend and associates who get caught up in this cycle. The way you cling to his only "seeing for 4 1/2 months" is the same way I see these women cling to the "unhappiness" factor. It justifies the morally grey actions in their mind. I personally can't see why if the guy is "unhappy" or just "seeing" someone, why they don't just LEAVE and be with you the supposed "object of their desire?

Like so many have said, I see this going nowhere fast. More stringing you along, you falling for it more. It even reminds me of the AskMe question that I have felt personally, which is should I just hook-up with a guy who is making it clear he can't commit to me because I have convinced myself that part-time love/attention/affection/sex is OK for me? (you may be, and I don't want to be judgmental, but how is that so many of the 3rd parties in the affair or unrequited love really wholeheartedly believe in this at the onset?)

Real-life anecdote: my father's current wife got him this way. She was OK with being a part-time lover, until she really felt what part-time was like (unanswered calls, no "happy holidays," being at the mercy of one person, ultimatums, no reciprocity, lies, etc). So she gave him an ultimatum. It took her 18 YEARS (hang-up calls, stalking, "leaving him for good," aborted pregnancies, ultimatum, jealousy fucks), but she got what she wanted, and it only took the best of her years to get there, instead of waiting for someone who was AVAILABLE to her.

My mom told me a long time ago: if your relationship is a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
posted by alice ayres at 1:49 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]

karma describes doing good or ill in this life and how it will affect you upon death and reincarnation. now, maybe there are a lot of followers of budda in this thread and you're worried about her coming back as a rat instead of finding enlightenment, but i'm gonna go ahead and assume that people are just using that word to describe "you reap what you sow" which is a totally different concept, even if the base message is do good and good will happen. one deals with the afterlife and one does not.

and to the continued "you're going to get hurt, jealous, etc from this" - please again remember that the poster told us that she just wants a booty call - she is not looking to entangle this man in commitments to her. can we respect her enough to take her at her word? she's not a 17 year old kid who doesn't understand the consequences of sexual relationships. she's a 27 year old woman who is looking to get her freak on.
posted by nadawi at 1:58 PM on June 24

Is it really that hard to find an unattached guy to sleep with? Have some respect, if not for yourself than for his SO.

I agree with this very much BUT

There was a time when I thought of people as cheaters and non-cheaters. I always thought better of the non-cheaters. I thought that the cheaters were a lower form of human that didn't understand personal integrity or honesty and the value that those activities add to the human experience. But repeatedly I have observed and experienced people doing what they wanted regardless of terms like monogamy, marriage and promise. Some of the people have been real stinkers. But by far the majority of them are just folks doing what they want. They are just people putting their desires above someone else's situation.

Now these days I don't really date anymore. I'm tired of seeing assholes everywhere with my persnickety views of right and wrong. I don't have the constitution to deal with any of it. But for other folks I am more likely to give advice like this:

Ask him if the woman he is seeing understands that their relationship is not exclusive. Accept that his answer may be a lie.

I would append to it this: Do what you want, and be ready to accept the results.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 2:39 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]

Or they could have an open relationship. I'm not sure why this concept is so alien to so many people who have computers and access to the Google.

They could. But just going purely by the odds, they almost certainly don't -- even if you omit the fact that the guy in question never seems to have said anything about it being an open relationship, which if it was he certainly would have mentioned it before they hooked up.

The concept's not alien, it's just a lot less common than the usual arrangement.
posted by ook at 2:46 PM on June 24

My mom told me a long time ago: if your relationship is a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

While I agree with this, nothing the OP posted suggests that the OP has been asked to keep her hook-ups with this guy a secret. In my own age group (middle-age), the majority of single people I encounter are not looking for deep and meaningful, long-term committed relationships - they're looking for either occasional casual hook-ups or friends with benefits situations, and are totally honest about that. Casual, uncommitted, and non-exclusive do not automatically imply deceitful.
posted by Lolie at 2:48 PM on June 24

But just going purely by the odds, they almost certainly don't -- even if you omit the fact that the guy in question never seems to have said anything about it being an open relationship, which if it was he certainly would have mentioned it before they hooked up.

Only if it's a "relationship" and not just an ongoing series of casual hook-ups over a period of four months. I've had fuck buddies with whom I've been involved over a period of years and neither one of us has ever regarded it as a "relationship", open or otherwise, nor has either of us expected any kind of accountability from the other beyond safe sexual practices and not being a party to deceiving anyone else.

I assume that no involvement is exclusive until it's explicitly stated otherwise. I have friends who assume exclusivity from the first casual hook-up. Really, it's one of those conversations that grown adults need to have at the outset to ensure that they're on the same page.
posted by Lolie at 2:58 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

I assume that no involvement is exclusive until it's explicitly stated otherwise. I have friends who assume exclusivity from the first casual hook-up. Really, it's one of those conversations that grown adults need to have at the outset to ensure that they're on the same page.

This times ten million. Seriously, the way to find out what's going on in a relationship is to ask. Yes, the other person might lie, but if you don't ask you'll never know.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:29 PM on June 24

Only if it's a "relationship" and not just an ongoing series of casual hook-ups over a period of four months.

If this were the case he wouldn't have described it as "I'm seeing someone" and wouldn't have brought it up to make sure anonymous is "okay with that."
posted by ook at 3:31 PM on June 24

(That said, of course anonymous should ask the guy. But based on the information here it looks to me like the guy is being pretty darn clear about what he wants: something on the side.

I only know a handful of people who are or have been involved in poly and/or open relationships, but without exception all of them are very up front about from minute one, out of necessity. If this guy's relationship with the other woman is open or inconsequential, he's being weirdly circumspect about it in ways that run counter to what he hopes to achieve. Not very plausible compared to the alternative.)
posted by ook at 3:45 PM on June 24

The only reason some people are harping on this concept of open relationships is that the OP wants to believe that this is a plausible scenario for why he is choosing to mess with her although he made mention of the fact that he was seeing some twice.

Even if seeing = fuck buddies, FWB, casual hookups, beginning of something [serious or otherwise], the point is he mentioned it like it should matter to you.

LISTEN TO WHAT HE IS TELLING YOU.
posted by alice ayres at 3:58 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

agreed with alice ayres. If he's saying, "I'm seeing someone; are you okay with this?" he's assuming you probably wouldn't be. Particularly if he's been seeing her for four months, you should definitely find out whether his girlfriend knows about you and is okay with you. If all you want is a hookup, you don't want to find out later you've been the inadvertent other woman.
posted by timoni at 4:51 PM on June 24

If this were the case he wouldn't have described it as "I'm seeing someone" and wouldn't have brought it up to make sure anonymous is "okay with that."

Again, "seeing someone" is a term which means very different things to different people, which is why it's important to establish what somebody means when they use the term. If I used that term you can be damned sure that I would be referring to an involvement which was casual and short-term. "Dating" is another one of those words which people use very differently (it definitely does not mean "view long-term, exclusive relationship if suited" here).

This guy clearly wants the OP to know that his involvement with her is not exclusive. He wants to know her agenda, and that's quite reasonable given the drama that inevitably ensues when people say they're OK with a casual involvement but have unspoken expectations that it will become "something more" in time. When I tell someone that our involvement is "casual" it means that I can't see it ever becoming "something more", and if they are not OK with that I will end our involvement. But the OP does not sound like she's hoping for something more, quite the opposite.

I absolutely agree that the OP should listen to what this guy is telling her. I also believe that she should directly ask this guy what the women he's been "seeing" for the last four months understands their relationship to be. That he may lie does not absolve the OP of the responsibility for asking. What she does with his answer is between her and her own conscience.
posted by Lolie at 6:33 PM on June 24

I understand you now. You're right.
posted by ook at 8:42 PM on June 24

Lobster Garden nailed it. If this is a concern, relate an interest in meeting him and the woman he is seeing and see how he reacts.
posted by ambient2 at 10:50 PM on June 24

You really can't make a decision until the term 'seeing' is clarified. At this point you don't know if it means he is in a relationship, he is casually dating someone uncommittedly, he is dating around, some people longer than others.

There really isn't enough information yet, so go ahead and ask him exactly what you asked us.
posted by Vaike at 4:26 PM on June 25

well, be fare to his SO, unless she knows what's going on and okey with it, don't get involved with a man who is dating someone else...on the other hand, unless all three of you sit down together, how would you find out the truth if she is really okey with it or not. I guess this question all depend on you, ARE you okey with hook up with a man who is in a relationship?! doesn't matter whatever purpose you have at first place, without considering if his SO is okey or not. Cause the truth is, you can never sure what the fact is about how another person feels from the person who is standing front of your face while kissing and rubbing you...you know what I mean...
posted by sugerrabbit at 2:09 AM on June 26