Help my despressed unemployed husband!

June 23, 2009 2:51 PM

What to do to help out of work, depressed, husband? Details inside

My husband and I were both laid off a few months ago. Still both out of work, severence pay has run out, and no jobs are calling back. This, of course, has been incredibly demoralizing for him. I've been trying the best I can to support and help, I've helped look for jobs, sent his resume out to places, and try to get him out of the house, though there's really not much to do in this area. Basically, I need ideas for things to do for him that will at best bring his morale up, at least make him smile. He is my world and seeing him struggle just breaks my heart!!!

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Volunteer work will help him feel useful. He should also look into taking classes at a community college. Perhaps a change in vocation will help?
posted by fifilaru at 2:55 PM on June 23

Take him out. Go do stuff, especially friends. If money is tight, that's fine. Just get together with friends to watch a DVD or go to the park or go jogging or something. It is key that he is not sitting at home moping. If he is being active, he will feel much better and he will also feel very loved that you are taking him out to do these things, which is powerful.

Volunteer work is often recommended to depressed people, but I'm a little skeptical. If I'm depressed about my situation and I see people in worse situations, it doesn't "put things in perspective" for me. Instead, it makes me feel like a royal jerk for being depressed and so I get guilty and even more depressed. Of course, volunteer work doesn't have to be working with the less fortunate.
posted by giggleknickers at 3:00 PM on June 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

Can you get him involved in helping other people? These are hard times, and in almost every community, there are programs desperately in need of volunteers to carry on the services they provide. It doesn't take a lot of time, helping people that are also in trouble, to make your own troubles seem a lot lighter.

Also, work the heck out of the state and local unemployment office resources. Some new Federal money is starting to flow into unemployment programs, and depending on where you are located, you and/or you husband may now qualify for additional aid and services that weren't available even a few weeks ago. Nothing fights ennui like seeing that you've beaten back the black dog from your own doorstep, by redoubling your own efforts. Some unemployment services are even connecting clients with groups offering individual social counseling and group therapy, focused on aiding people in unfamiliar circumstances of "structural unemployment," i.e. people in industries which are permanently downsizing such that former workers will have to make new career choices and/or relocate.

Re-training or improving his education can also be a very positive step, as filfilaru observes above. Beyond the new skills he might learn, attending classes at a vocational center, or community college can also provide much of the social and psychological benefit of group therapy, as he sees other adults in similar circumstances trying to cope in a healthy, positive way.
posted by paulsc at 3:06 PM on June 23

Volunteer work is often recommended to depressed people, but I'm a little skeptical. If I'm depressed about my situation and I see people in worse situations, it doesn't "put things in perspective" for me.

Volunteer work doesn't have to involve working with other people, or even helping other people (directly). Local parks have clean-up days, your local animal shelter may need more folks to come help walk dogs, etc. I've been doing a volunteer gig for six years that doesn't involve directly helping other people at all.

The key, really, is getting out and doing something. If he's got a special (or even not-so) skill set, whether from his work or hobbies, see if those can't be put to use in some way in a volunteer capacity. The thing about volunteering is that one often finds a job based on people you know, so the more people you know, the higher the chance is that one of them might hear about a job that would be perfect for you/your husband. This holds true for taking classes, too.
posted by rtha at 3:15 PM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would be careful of doing TOO much for him. You don't want to accidentally demoralize him by disempowering him when he already feels he has lost control over his life. Are there any skills he can use with his free time such as a small renovation project, photographing sentimentally important local locations, creating music, etc? Something that will give him an identity (since, for many of us, our job IS our identity).

Look on the bright side, with both of you out of work you have lots of time for sex and that doesn't cost anything!
posted by saucysault at 3:18 PM on June 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

Sex. For men, female desire is often equivalent to validation. Bring it up in a way that let's him know that he is still a sexual being in your eyes.

Also emphasis on the shared nature of your predicament and the outside basis for it.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:55 PM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd recommend:

#1: make a list of all the things around the house that need doing, that you can't/won't do. Big stuff, cleaning the garage for the first time in ten years, that sort of thing. Ask him to tackle 'em one at a time, and work at least a little each day -- that way he'll be busy, and he'll either find work before he runs out of things to do or the house will be in better shape to sell if you have to (I'm not being flip or facetious here, I'm being practical.)

#2: both of you should commit a certain amount of time per day, at a specific time of day, to do job-related stuff. Say, 9am every morning on every weekday, send out at least one resume, make at least two calls to classified ads, and stop by at least one place to fill out an application. At some point you'll end up applying for stuff you don't qualify for or that are beneath you skills-and-experience-wise, but you'll cast a wider net -- and you'll both be free to spend the rest of your day doing non-job-related things without feeling lazy, because you've already accomplished your agreed-upon tasks for the day.

#3: since you'll now have some guilt-free free time, use it to do things together around the house (in addition to the things you're asking him to do himself), or travel locally, or volunteer together. He'll likely respond better to your engagement attempts if you're doing things with him and volunteering with him than he will if you just send him off to do it alone. What you're both going through sucks, and you'll have a better chance of getting through it if you use some of this time to be together.

#4: accept that a certain amount of frustration and sadness will accompany this situation no matter what you do; just keep an eye on him to make sure it doesn't get excessive, and get him medical help if he needs it. Just don't have unrealistic expectations that you can keep a full spring in his step while he's out of work, and be sure to love him anyway, which I'm sure you do.
posted by davejay at 4:07 PM on June 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

When I was unemployed, temping did wonders to bulk up my self-esteem (and pay bills). Job applications are an unending stream of rejections; it was great to get praise even if the job was below my normal level, and I got a "real" job shortly after I started temping.
posted by msalt at 4:36 PM on June 23

My husband and a couple of his similarly unemployed friends started what they called Job Club (the first rule of Job Club is that you don't talk about Job Club ...).

They would meet for lunch once a week and talk about positions they'd heard about or interviewed at, and helped each other out with their resumes. It definitely helped cheer them up, as they were able to be a support system for one another, and it also got him out of the house.
posted by vickyverky at 5:21 PM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

nthing the suggestion that you find out what government programmes are available to help you both up-skill or re-skill. Also, find out what industries are currently experiencing skills shortages and consider undertaking some fast-tack training in those areas (usually this involves "training the gap" and only teaching you skills you don't already have than starting from scratch).

Get really serious about job hunting. If your resumes aren't getting you call-backs, something about those resumes is excluding you from the candidate pool. Use the internet to find industry-related messageboards and get specific help from posters there to create resumes which will get you to at least the phone interview stage of the selection process. Find out as much as you can about the recruitment process for the particular industries in which you're looking for employment - it may have changed dramatically since you were last seeking work.

Remember that the vast majority of jobs are never formally advertised, so don't limit your job-hunting to newspaper or online positions vacant ads. Many employers advertise exclusively on their own websites, others use specific recruitment agencies.

While I'm all for maintaining morale when you're unemployed, you need a concrete plan for survival which details all of your options over the coming months and the points at which you're willing to take actions of last resort (relocation, for instance).

Distracting myself from problems usually only makes me even more aware of them and more depressed by them. By all means socialise and do enjoyable things, but if you can't currently afford to take sabbaticals then finding employment needs to be a 30+ hour per week job for both of you right now.

Job clubs are a great idea. Everyone comes across vacancies that are suitable for someone else they know. They'll also help you get hard data about what is and is currently working in terms of resumes, interview techniques, etc.

Temping is a great idea if you can make yourself a stand-out candidate with reputable agencies. The agencies with which I deal typically get several hundred applications for every position they have open and fewer than twenty of those will even make it to the phone interview stage. Many resumes won't even get read by a human being. Make sure you ring agencies and find out what they're looking for in a resume - all sorts of little things can cull yours out.

If you haven't interviewed for jobs in recent years, familiarise yourself with the recruitment process for your industry. If you aren't familiar with online assessments and assessment centres, find out everything you can about them and practise getting through them every single day - they can be utterly brutal and if you aren't at ease with the process it's unlikely you'll perform well enough to get an interview.

Apply for at least five jobs every single day. You should rework your cover letter for every single job and have separate resumes for each industry or sub-sector of an industry where you're seeking employment. Make sure that you know the current skills and competencies required by employers in those industries and address them in your resume. If a particular resume isn't getting you any responses after a couple of weeks, rework it again.

This is a heck of a lot of work and you need to approach it as your current occupation. Write a schedule with detailed hours, tasks, KPIs etc. And make those hours that you're working at job-hunting inviolate. No social phone calls, no goofing off, no giving it half your attention. And no doing it dressed in your PJs or track pants. Be as professional at job-hunting as you intend to be at your future employment.

By all means volunteer, maintain social networks, etc but do those things in addition to full-time job-hunting, not instead of it. The candidate field for many jobs is utterly outstanding at the moment and I'm frequently seeing job ads being closed within an hour of the position being advertised - you don't want to be off doing something else when the job at which you had a real shot was advertised.

Those are the things I can think of off the top of my head.
posted by Lolie at 7:47 PM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Grilled cheese sammiches.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 9:36 PM on June 23 [4 favorites has favorites]

Play Badminton in your front yard. Get the neighbors involved, and laugh about the term "shuttlecock". It's cheap networking, and I'm not snarking. Everyone knows someone, and everyone loves competitive barbecues.
If you don't have neighbors, go to the library, and ask a librarian about a book you like. Stalk the book. Again, not snarking, a lot of people like that book.
Otherwise, get a McJob and then blow it off. It's liberating. 100% no snark there.
posted by hypersloth at 2:11 AM on June 24

Okay really though, even a McJob... I found not having a job is like not having a girlfriend - when you don't, it's hard to. It's much easier to trade up when you show what a crappy job/girlfriend you have than it is when you don't even have one. Good luck.
posted by hypersloth at 2:12 AM on June 24

I also recommend temping as an easy way to at least make a paycheck, and even if he isn't earning much it will probably make him feel useful. It's something to do until a permanent job comes along. Plus it's a great way to network.
posted by Lobster Garden at 9:46 AM on June 24

As noble as volunteering is, and as fun as games-with-friends is, what most helps me feel better about my situation (I'm also unemployed) is earning money - helping to pay the bills. He could take a job in a bookstore or bait shop or whatever he's into, get freelance work, try out other jobs (I'm looking for writing/editing jobs - maybe that will lead to a refreshing career change).

And, of course, "Grilled cheese sammiches."

Good luck.
posted by booth at 12:44 PM on June 24

That's a hard one, even in these more egalitarian times, a man's self worth is often predicated on having a job, and being a "provider."

Not to discount what you are going through, but traditionally a man's self esteem is as wrapped up in work as a woman's is often in looks or weight. You might not feel that way, he might not feel that way, but you'd be surprised how conditioning still filters in. I still feel it is more likely (with exceptions of course) for a man to think what he *does* defines *who he is.* If he doesn't *do* anything then he doesn't exist.

Ergo, it might be difficult to do anything to not get him depressed, and indeed, depression is the logical reaction to a loss like this. I don't know how many months ago is a few months ago though.

I also don't know your financial situation, nor do I know how you are going through this, knowing that might color any answers.

Nor do we know his skill set or yours. If, for example, he were a db developer, perhaps there is an opening for a volunteer db developer which could eventually translate into a paying gig. Or at least great references.


The list thing might sound to parent child. Any list thing I think should probably be done by both of you as a sort of "you and me against the world, we have each others back" kind of thing to get *both* of you unemployed.

Job clubs and both of you committing to search is good and helpful, also ask him for support. You need it too. Plus if he feels he can do well in the emotional support dept, it might help him with his self-worth.
posted by xetere at 8:52 AM on June 28