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June 23, 2009 10:27 AM   RSS feed for this thread Subscribe

It looks like my daughter will be earning a full scholarship to essentially the private school of her choice in NYC. These schools on average cost around $35,000/year. What's it like to go to an expensive private high school on scholarship?

While I have no doubt her education will be top notch at any of the potential schools, I do have some concerns about the social challenges she might face. What is it like in these schools if you are there on scholarship? We probably will end up sending her to one of the more progressive schools, but their per year cost is still > 75% of our yearly income. Basically, she won't have a Louis Vuitton bag unless she buys it on Canal St.

Obviously, I know Gossip Girl is not realistic, but I wonder what it is like for a so-called "minority" to attend these sorts of schools on scholarship. What are the challenges? What are the not-so-obvious benefits? What were your experiences or your child's experiences? What do you wish you knew going in? Do you regret going? Etc.

(FYI, my daughter is shy, but confident.)
posted by anonymous to education (23 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I attended The Dalton School for three years in the early 80s. I never witnessed any overt class-based cruelty towards the scholarship students. But a friend of mine would never let anyone visit his apartment because he was embarrassed by it.

The difficulties will be things like having to walk in the opposite direction of her friends to catch the bus while they're hailing taxis. Or not being able to afford some outing the others are planning.

The advantages will be networking, college placement, and seeing how the other half lives.
posted by Joe Beese at 10:40 AM on June 23


I can't really speak for private schools in NYC/New England, but I went to a boarding school for high school, but as a day student for much, much lower cost. Because of this, the class gap between boarding students and day students was pretty high. All in all, I don't think it was massive issue, kids from extremely wealthy families could be both good kids and stereotypical stuck-up rich kids. It definitely didn't doom me to separation from the rest of the school.

As far as not-so-obvious benefits, when you have a high chance of having friends from wealthy families, she will probably get indirect benefit from trips out and such where her friend's parents will want to pay for everything. :P I know that shouldn't be an expectation, but it definitely happened a few times with me.

I didn't regret it all, usually in cases like this, the teacher's are passionate about what they do, and if your daughter got a full-ride scholarship, they will enjoy having her as a student and want to help her succeed.
posted by Allenthar at 10:43 AM on June 23


Congratulations to your daughter!

Buy her a copy of Prep.
posted by elsietheeel at 10:44 AM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]


I have a close friend who taught for years at a very prestigious private school in New England, and he and I have talked many times about this as I try to sort out what the best educational options are for my son.

His main point: Work with your daughter about identifying and overcoming envy, and understanding the difference between "need" and "want".

Its not the other kids that are the biggest challenge, in most cases. From his point of view, the kids that always got in the weeds were the kids who started doing stupid stuff (stealing, selling test scores, selling and doing drugs) because they were envious of the lifestyle of the wealthiest students at the school, and got confused about what's really important.
posted by anastasiav at 10:47 AM on June 23


... and adding ...

These kids were typically those who did not have a solid support system at home, or who had come to associate "stuff" with "love".
posted by anastasiav at 10:49 AM on June 23


Straight out of college I taught at an independent prep school in Westchester for three years. It was 5-day boarding, with day students there as well. From experience there as a young faculty member, I have to say that I didn't see any overt challenges for the scholarship kids in the least. They were just as likely to be well-loved and succeed in extracurriculars as their full-tuition-paying cohorts, and academically they thrived.

One specific program that I recall was called Prep for Prep, which placed students of color from NYC who showed academic promise in independent schools. We were one of the schools that worked with Prep for Prep. The kids who attended through that program boarded during the week, which I believe was good for them from a social standpoint.

I'm sure that some of the challenges would be things like having cars (boarders weren't allowed cars, and as such the Prep for Prep students were the same as other boarders, fancy vacations and expensive clothes. The dress code at the school was pretty good at leveling the clothes issue. Not sure what, if anything, can be done about fancy vacations.
posted by Stewriffic at 10:51 AM on June 23


I went to a private school in the 90's and attended as a boarding student. There were many students from extremely diverse cultural and financial backgrounds (many private schools champion that kind of thing) and countries. A lot of kids were on financial aid (grants) and scholarships, though it really wasn't talked about among the students as far as I can remember.

A few areas where the obvious disparities pop up; clothes, cars, furnishings (if boarding). This never bothered me much and it really wasn't very expensive to get a decent wardrobe, though I suspect that might be more challenging for female clothing - unless the school has uniforms, which would be convenient.

Social issues that popped up centered on more typical high school things - cliques of jocks, cheerleaders, geeks, etc. There was a loose social division between boarding and day students, but plenty of people socialized with both. Were there kids there who could buy and sell my entire family's possessions with their pocket money? Absolutely. Generally most of the kids stayed pretty classy about money in my experience, though.

The non-obvious benefits (from my perspective as a slightly tongue-in-cheek boarding student): living with foreign nationals got me tasty, tasty kim chi from a South Korean one night and curse lessons from my Japanese roommate the next. I mastered hot pot cuisine and maxed out my laundry kung fu, which gave me a step up on the college experience. Mandatory studying and cleaning developed some handy skills, too.

Challenges: at first I missed my parents a lot, but developed an independent streak a mile wide pretty fast.

Regrets: I remember thinking I couldn't wait a second longer to run away from that place after graduation, but I think that was regular teenage angst about school in general. No regrets.
posted by empyrean at 11:00 AM on June 23


I was a scholarship kid at a non-religious, all-girls private school for most of middle school and all of high school. It wasn't quite Philips Andover, but there were some pretty wealthy people there (like the girl who flew to Paris on the Concorde with her mother to pick up a Vera Wang dress for graduation) but, in my class alone, there were probably 5-6 other girls just like me, in our class of 70. YMMV depending on how active your daughter's chosen school is in trying to attract "socioeconomic diversity". At no point were the scholarship students identified to the rest of the students or faculty by the school, and keeping us all in plaid skirts and kneesocks from one required vendor prevented most of us from noticing any disparity (other than "popular" and "geek", which at times expressed themselves through clothing on free clothes days).

There are times it sucks, like when everyone else gets to go on the optional school-run spring break trips to Europe and you don't. But it's not the end of the world. The up side is that I got invited to all-class Sweet Sixteen parties at lake houses and amusement parks, country club events, and friends' family trips that I would never have had an opportunity for otherwise.

The other major advantage, which I never realized until just recently as I've started my career, is that I got quite the intro to socioeconomic diversity. Everyone worries about rich kids not knowing how to talk to the less wealthy -- but I'll tell you what, learning not to be intimidated or overly impressed by the uber wealthy was an INCREDIBLY valuable lesson for this middle-class kid. In my professional life I interact with a lot of CEOs, founders, and technology celebrities who live lives I can barely imagine (party on Richard Branson's yacht? Day trip to NYC for a Zero-G flight just for kicks? Private islands?). It has helped me immensely to be able to talk with them without fixating on their extreme wealth or fame, as I've seen others do, and I think I've maintained better professional connections because of it.

It would help to know a little more about your daughter -- is she currently very fashion-conscious? Will it bother her to suddenly be comparing herself to people at this school? I was a geek who lived in jeans and t-shirts (when not in my school uniform) and I'd never even heard of Kate Spade, so it didn't affect me at all and I stuck with friends who were a lot like me. But I can see how it would have been more difficult if I was in to that sort of thing.

Of course, the biggest thing was that I got an awesome education out of my private school experience. I wouldn't have traded that for anything.

Congratulations to your daughter! This will be a great opportunity for her.
posted by olinerd at 11:09 AM on June 23 [2 favorites has favorites]


Lots of good advice here. Based on my experiences at an elite private school, teaching scholarship kids in summer programs, and then teaching kids from a variety of class backgrounds at several elite colleges, I'd add that having a strong moral core will make a huge difference. Use the time before school begins to focus on building your daughter's self-confidence in general. This will make her feel less vulnerable to feeling insecure and/or ashamed, and prevent some of the problems that come with those feelings (including depression or acting out in the manner described by some of the other posters).

I think explaining to her how kids can make unintentionally hurtful or discomfiting assumptions will help her prepare for navigating potentially difficult situations and help her understand that these assumptions are not a reflection on her. For example, if everyone is going out to a fancy place like Serendipity after school for ice cream, and everyone is assuming that everyone in the group can afford to drop 10 bucks on ice cream, it might be helpful to have a strategy or approach in place for either bowing out or ordering something very cheap without feeling ashamed or excluded.

One angle that I think it would be helpful to introduce is that your daughter should be very, very proud of herself. She must be very talented and very compelling to have earned this scholarship. That's an accomplishment, not something to be ashamed of. She doesn't just have as much right to be at this school as anyone else -- the school has recognized that she's exceptionally qualified to be there.

And yes, Prep is both a great read and a very sensitive exploration of many of the issues that come with being the scholarship kid.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 11:15 AM on June 23


First off, congratulations! This is tremendous for your daughter. There will certainly be challenges ahead, but she has a chance to get an amazing education. I really loved my middle- and high-school experience.

I went to a fancy NYC private school from sixth grade on. Before that, I had gone to public school. I fortunately had an easy transition. Things may be different now (I graduated HS almost fifteen years ago), but there was none of that Gossip Girls ridiculousness. Yes, some people had lavish bar mitzvahs, and yeah, some people would throw parties in their ostentatious Park Avenue homes when their parents were away for the weekend. But as Joe Beese says, "I never witnessed any overt class-based cruelty towards the scholarship students."

That said, I am white and came from a comfortable background. I am sure there were tons of things I never noticed or felt because I did "fit in" on that level (like not wanting people to come over to your home because you felt it wasn't as nice as your friends'). So I don't want to pretend like it was some utopia. And, not uncommonly, the black kids "sat together" in the cafeteria. (I put that in quotes because the white kids "sat together," too - it's all about perspective.) I did have one very good friend who was black, and in fact he was elected the president of the entire high school.

Putting aside questions about race and scholarship status, I don't want to pretend that there wasn't a lot of cruelty from the proverbial "kool kidz." I was a nerd, but fortunately, a nerd with plenty of friends. Still, the jocks and popular kids were assholes. (Of course, me and my buddies got the last laugh when those college acceptance letters came... but that moment of triumph is a long way off for most of your HS experience.) Finding acceptance is always going to be a big challenge, but that is probably true at any school.

And seconding Prep for Prep. You should definitely check it out.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:16 AM on June 23


I just read an article about this in this past Sunday's NY Daily News. Congratulations to your daughter!!
posted by Majorita at 11:23 AM on June 23


I went to the same school as Joe Beese on a partial scholarship, and will third "I never witnessed any overt class-based cruelty towards the scholarship students." There was that one guy who got kicked out of school and showed up in front to pick up his friends driving his own Porsche, but there were also a lot of other kids who didn't go on the $600 school-sponsored ski trip weekend either.

I'm probably not in a good position to talk too much about race issues, though.

I got to college incredibly prepared, and also incredibly tired of private school. Usually I wish I'd gone ahead and gone to Stuyvesant, but I also got a lot out of the experience.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:27 AM on June 23


I went to a fancy private school in Seattle for grade 5-9, and race and class manifested itself in all kinds of ways I couldn't recognize until later. For example: I had friends who were not allowed to take the bus (too dangerous); a top weekend activity was shopping; my friends belonged to beach clubs and country clubs and lived in gated communities, absent people of colors and Jews. (This wasn't even that long ago.) I wasn't on scholarship, but these weren't my parents' values, so I didn't have a credit card, we didn't belong to a club, I didn't play tennis ... and I didn't fit in with the kids who did, and, well, those were the cool kids and I wanted to be one too. It got worse as we all got a little older, and by 9th grade I was miserable and transferred at the end of the year.

Thing is, though, I wish I hadn't. For one, I would have gotten a better education at my first high school. But more importantly, I think I would have learned some important lessons about how to survive, and thrive, even when things get uncomfortable or hard. Besides, by the time that whole class was seniors, the geekiest, most awkward boy ended up being valedictorian and taking the prettiest girl to prom. (I don't know what happened to the very geeky girls. I'm assuming they ended up all right too.)

I doubt it will be easy for your daughter. But I bet it'll be worth it in the long run. I think the best thing you can do is encourage her to seek out activities she likes, teachers she connects with, and students who share her interests and values. And, as in all parenting, cross your fingers and hope for the smoothest ride possible.
posted by janet lynn at 11:38 AM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]


One thing to keep an eye on is eating disorders, which can run rampant in a boarding school environment.
posted by fermezporte at 11:44 AM on June 23


I went to one of the fancy NYC private schools and graduated in the early 90s. Feel free to email me for the name, if it would be of any interest to you. It was definitely an interesting experience--as far as I'm aware, at least two of my classmates were children of billionaires, but the school had quite a sizable number of scholarship students and Prep for Prep kids, as well. My folks were "just" middle class, and I was probably on the lower end of the economic scale (but not low enough that it really made any difference to me).

I think there will be some awkwardness to attending this dream school for the reasons alluded to upthread--the $10 ice creams and the sweet sixteen parties or bar/bat mitzvahs at the Rainbow Room. The education and the opportunities that follow will, in the long run, more than make up for this--but being a teenager is rough enough already. It sounds like your daughter is a smart cookie and hopefully can keep it all in perspective. Also, my experience is that accomplished kids with a less privileged background who come from these tony schools do very well in the college application process--every admissions director loves a smart applicant from a great school who is not just another spoiled white kid.

One thing I would recommend to ensure you daughter has a good community is to get her involved in either art (particularly drama, and especially stagecraft/techie stuff) or running track (or as a manager etc.). I have always found that those communities were the most accepting of people who were a bit different, for whatever reason.

Again, feel free to email for more details. I love Love LOVED my time at this school.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:45 AM on June 23


I found the culture shock to be substantial. This was in the 80's and I was coming from just above hay-seed to, well, hard-core New England Prep. I found the transition very hard - not just going (to school with kids who flew around to a different part of the world at each break,) but returning to my parents' and seeing friends I had there and trying to adjust to what I had seen and done and what they had been doing. I was never able to reconcile the two, even now. (I could never have a job during the school-year, so I was also pretty broke all the time, which also really sucked).

The class issue was for me exacerbated by family stuff and if I were to send my own children to a school like I went to I would most definitely be in almost neurotically constant contact with them. As was mentioned upthread, the kids at my school who did well (and this was regardless of class) were the ones who had strong support networks.

Plus side, I got a wicked-good education and when I went to college I was not impressed by any but the smartest and class was completely a non-issue. I've never capitalized on the 'connections' I 'made' at prep school, but I never had the need or desire. Frankly, the whole thing has been a very peculiar, dominant chapter in my life. I would do it again, but I would also do it differently. I think it might be very hard as a parent to send your kid into this really great opportunity because there is a certain amount of real-life stuff she will be confronted with now that other kids won't learn for a bunch more years.

Best of luck to her, and you.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:51 AM on June 23 [1 favorite has favorites]


I went to a public high school, so I have no first hand experience until I went to college with a bunch of prep school kids. I also have some second hand knowledge by way of my boss, who'se daughter is a full-pay at one of the top private schools in Seattle.

One thing that stuck me during college is when a prep school friend had trouble understanding that looking for summer internships or jobs in a lab wasn't just about gaining experience and padding my CV, it was that I had to earn money to help pay for my expenses during the school year. She'd assumed it was all about the former, and that she should be doing it for that reason, but, oh well, she'd already booked her travel in europe.

I've seen a little of how this works at the high school level. At the one I know something about, there is a service learning trip once a year. The school is wealthy and conscious enough that I believe that the scholarships extend to this activity so that the less well-off kids aren't cut out.

On the other hand, other things that are part of the high-end high school experience, like visits to out of state colleges, don't get the same support, so my boss has taken along one of his daughter's friends as they've visited out of state schools, because there is no-way she'd be able to otherwise.

I imagine that different schools vary in their awareness of potential friction caused by wealth differentials, and how they approach them, so this is something you might want to explore about each school as you and your daughter make the decision on where to attend. Congratulations and good luck!
posted by Good Brain at 12:08 PM on June 23


I did my time in an NYC prep high school in the late 80s-early 90s. Some random, disorganized thoughts:
My family wasn't poor, but I was there on assistance as well. Looking back on it all, class/money was never really a problem that I had to wrestle with. My problems were really the standard teenage problems - friends, relationships, learning things the hard way, etc. Having a set of parents that went through a slow-burning, passive/aggressive divorce process my entire HS career did more damage than any class issues. Yes, it did suck to see kids driving to school in the new Lexus that mommy bought them, but that's really just part of life. It was an eye-opening experience - I got exposed (and inured to) the upper crust at a very early age - it left me extremely well-prepared to face the world, authority, and "class" situations.

No matter what, your daughter won't be alone - there will be other scholarship kids, there will be other shy kids, and there will likely be kids of rich parents who want to be her friend, will likely make a faux pas or two about money, and everyone will learn from the experience. Money is a great thing to have, but it's no substitute for awesome friends and a loving, caring, supportive family.

Apologies if this is somewhat disorganized - please feel free to MeMail me as well if you have more questions.
posted by swngnmonk at 2:19 PM on June 23


I went to an all-girls private day high school in the late 80s/early 90s on a partial scholarship from the school. There was definitely an adjustment period. My journal from that time mentions noticing that no one had worn the same pair of shoes twice yet, in the second week of school.

I also felt a little weird when we were 16 and people started getting cars. My school wasn't super fancy, but some girls did get brand new cars. I had a brief moment when I felt pretty mad that my parents weren't buying me a new car, but I got over that quickly.

It was a great experience for the most part. There were other girls who received a scholarship in my class and everyone just blended in together. I think what helped was my parents not making a big deal about, for instance, the new car thing... they just sort of looked at me like "are you crazy" and that worked. After all I came from a very working-to-middle class town and no one got new cars... I knew it was an unrealistic expectation.
posted by jdl at 4:13 PM on June 23


I can speak to this. Whatever you do, don't buy her a Tiffany bracelet you can't really afford that she didn't even want and act like a piece of jewelry will bridge the class gap.

I struggled with trying to fit in so much my freshman year. I had to pretend not to act completely shocked by my classmates' lavish houses, cars, clothes, vacation experiences, and weekend activities. I pretended to be like them when it was obvious to all that I wasn't, and I'm sure people saw through it and I just looked like an idiot.

My best advice to your daughter is that she be proud of who she is and stay true to herself from day 1. Being different, in any way, is always BETTER. In life, I truly believe, it is BETTER to stand out from the crowd and not feel ashamed. So hard to understand at 14, but if you can plant the seed...

Congratulations to her and best of luck. Memail me if you like.
posted by infinityjinx at 4:26 PM on June 23


I don't have any stories from my own high school years, but I recently volunteered as a mentor to a group of young women from Brearley. They were a reasonably diverse group of very bright and fairly normal-seeming young ladies, despite the fact that I'm sure at least some of their parents could buy and sell me. Now, granted, I was volunteering as a mentor for their robotics team so these were probably some of the nerdier girls there but still. I would absolutely jump at the chance to send any daughter I had there after that experience.
posted by ch1x0r at 7:59 PM on June 23


I think the biggest problem isn't being directly made fun of or targeted or anything like that, but the slow creep of expectations. Over time what was good enough pre-private school is no longer acceptable, not because of some overt action by someone else, but because of the pervasive money-is-not-a-problem environment. Something to watch out for.
posted by lockestockbarrel at 10:49 PM on June 23


Can't speak for all prep schools, but at Andover (which I guess might be a prep school par excellence), I never experienced any real class tensions, if that's what you're afraid of. It might have been because I was unobservant, or male, or both, of course. But as I recall, the super-rich (as in private jet rich) were in the minority, and I felt students like myself, who were either on financial aid or scholarship, made up a significant portion of the student body. Yes, many students were upper-middle class. Many were not. It's possible Andover is unique in this, but I doubt it.

In any case, having occasionally watched Gossip Girl (I hate to admit it, but yeah, what B did was pretty harsh), Andover was nothing like that, or at least not in the ways I think you're thinking or fearing.

To run through your other questions:

I didn't really know what to expect going in, but I learned going in, students at private schools were not all eggheads or super-rich, but diverse in terms of social and geographic backgrounds.

One big challenge was the jump in academic standards—both demanded by the faculty and by the standard set by the students (because your daughter may find that suddenly, she is no longer the top of her class, but somewhere in the middle).

Networking is a somewhat obvious benefit, but it is a significant one. In my case, it was by calling up my former professors at Andover that I got started on my career after college (as a musician). But beyond the purely material and practical benefits, I found a real (and lasting, as it turned out) sense of cohesiveness between my student-colleagues AND the faculty, that I don't think I'd have gotten elsewhere.

And so, no, I don't regret it.
posted by Busoni at 5:05 AM on June 24


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