Getting over someone who completely gave themsleves to you.

June 22, 2009 7:44 AM

So there was a girl (as all of these things tend to start). She gave herself to me utterly in the BDSM and just plain loving sense, and meant it. We had a stormy but passionate relationship, and in retrospect I treated her badly during it. We'd broken up and weren't talking but I felt I'd left her alone to protect her from disappointment. We talked again, and we tried to go out...then she said she was no longer in love with me. I'm not an emotive person, and I guess I've never really felt heartbreak before (I'm late 20s). How do I get over this?

The thing that is striking me at the moment is that I didn't realise quite how much I needed her love. I was infinitely happier not talking to her, but knowing I was in her heart...and I was. We went out for about 5 years. Then the last time we broke up, I said I'd never speak to her again. I thought I hated her, but I think I was terrified that she might actually love me and then she could hurt me. The irony of realising that after she spent years trying to show me then stopped when we didn't talk for the 6 months in which I realised how much I loved her.

Amazingly, she said after all this that I am still her best friend, and she wants us to always be so. Her love in that respect amazes me, and I know she'll always be there for me like that. However being her friend and watching her fall in love wtih someone else is tearing me apart like nothing else ever has. Every day, I think of her, every day it feels like someone has died. My life is filled with a pervasive sense of loss and there is a hole in my heart. I miss her love, and I miss my anchor.

There are three questions I have, I guess.
a) How to move on from that, and indeed if it's possible to love someone so intensely that you miss them every day and still be their friend;
b) She refuses to say that she'll never be in love with me again, and not being able to let go of that is making me insane;
c) How to be civilised and not show that extreme passion to both actually be friends, and;
d) How to rebuild myself. I guess I defined myself quite a lot as someone loved utterly by her, even if we weren't talking.

This might sound simple, but I've never been that emotive before. Any advice is appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

I have been this girl. I hate the way that the guy in my situation made and is still making me feel, even to this day. From what I can tell from your post, you had her for five years and she loved you wholeheartedly, but you couldn't or wouldn't treat her in the way that she deserved to be treated. You broke her heart. Now, she's all whole and healed and has realized she deserves better. Do both of you a favor and leave her alone.

a. You move on by cutting ties completely until both of you only feel platonically about one another. Then, MAYBE you can be friends. You cannot be real friends in this situation.
b. It's hard to predict that sort of thing, but I promise you, her actually saying those words wouldn't make you feel any better about this.
c. See a. I just don't think you can be friends.
d. Rebuild yourself the same way she rebuilt herself, by spending time not talking to her.

Next time, maybe you'll appreciate what you have more. I'm sorry if this came off harsh, it's just I've been in such a similar experience that this kind of hit me in the stomach.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 7:57 AM on June 22 [2 favorites]

I suspect you're not going to get a ton of sympathetic responses, because your question reads like "OMG, I behaved like a dick and am now suffering the consequences! How do I get out of it?"

Well, you don't. That's what consequences are. You treated someone like crap and now they don't love you anymore. That's the way it works.

SkylitDrawl is correct - the next step is to cease contact with her, completely. Actually, she should probably cease contact with *you*, but if she doesn't, go ahead and take care of it yourself. The only way to get over it is time and separation, and postponing that just draws out the process.

And take advantage of your newfound solitude to contemplate the fact that other people are real, and have feelings, and react to the things you do in ways you can't control. Late 20s seems past time to be internalizing that fact.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:16 AM on June 22 [10 favorites]

You need to cut off this friendship.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:18 AM on June 22

How do I get over this?

You eat it, cut off contact and resolve to become a better person, even if this woman never gets to witness it.
posted by milarepa at 8:20 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

God, I just went through almost exactly what you describe. I'm mostly on the other side of it now. I can tell you for sure that it gets easier, just takes time and some work.

First, these emotionally draining relationships are a delight. Sometimes the pleasure of the pain/deep attachment sucks you in to the point where you can't think of any other options. The stormy relationships are the hardest to quit, especially if you're like me and love being deeply connected emotionally.

I hate to say it, but having gone through pretty much the scenario you described ( to the point where I had to take a double take) you need to break off all ties until you've healed enough to withstand her deciding that she wants you back. She straight up told you she doesn't love you, she could have spared your feelings, but she chose not to. Relationship fueled by this sort of drama don't leave you (or at least me) happy.

What you need to do is first shock your system, get a hobby that gets you outside, volunteer, take a trip, get a pet, anything that will keep your mind busy and meeting new people when you're not at work. Use these experiences to make new friends and build new social networks you can fall back on. Its so tempting, so utterly tempting to lay on the couch and watch tv or dick around on the internet, reading fourms about how to feel better, but the only way you'll get over that kind of hurt is to be active in a way that makes you happy.

God willing, in the next few weeks, when you're around a group of people who love Labradors, bike riding or feeding the homeless, you'll have one of those moments where you realize that you haven't thought about her in days. And maybe a few months later you'll meet someone who shares your newly found passion for life and you'll be strong enough to ask her out to dinner.

Thinking about getting over someone is like trying to not think about purple elephants, the more you try the harder it gets. Best of luck, it gets easier, I promise.
posted by JimmyJames at 8:20 AM on June 22 [2 favorites]

It sounds like the BDSM part of this may be a red herring; all of this can happen in vanilla relationships too.

Unfortunately, there is really no way to recover from heartbreak while you are actively being friends with the person who broke your heart. I've said it before here and I'll say it again: you need to treat a broken heart just like a broken leg: stay off it. Otherwise you just make it worse. Time and distance will help you heal.

This is what heartbreak is, and it happens to everyone, and this is how you learn from your mistakes and become a wiser person and a better partner. Read other breakupfilter questions and you will begin to see patterns.

Ultimately, whether you're single or attached, you have to be your own anchor.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:21 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

Normal, healthy people can stand alone on their two feet. I like being in love, but remove the boyfriend from the scenario and I'm still a complete person with my own life and self-worth and things I like that make me happy.

Healthy relationships do not involve you using someone's devotion and affection to plug some hole in your heart or compensate for some flaw in your character.

You mention OVER AND OVER how much she loved you. You don't miss her; you miss her love. She's a human being with a whole range of emotions and thoughts that don't revolve around you, and it sounds like you're having trouble accepting that. You were using her as a crutch to prop yourself up.

That crutch is gone, homes. That love done fled the coop, and it's not coming back. You need to find something else to make yourself a complete, whole, happy person, because she can't do it for you.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:25 AM on June 22 [21 favorites]

Be grateful? Someone you obviously think is very special spent 5 of her best years with you, with the obvious end result of you becoming a more complete person.

Sounds like she still has some affection for you, but there's only one way for you to reciprocate:

Show that you've grown. Do her proud. Leave her be.
posted by tigrrrlily at 8:31 AM on June 22

Yeah, you need to stop hanging out with her. She's probably one of those people who like having the affections of a lot of people, likes knowing that people want her and that she has a backup, or perhaps just likes (or is drawn to) drama.

Just tell her you need time to get over her and that you guys can be friends once you are. Then don't talk to her very much (you don't have to give her the complete silent treatment, but treat her like an acquaintance). Hopefully you'll meet someone else and that will take your mind off of her.

Once you are fully over her, then you guys can be friends, and it won't matter to you whether or not she's "sure" she'll "never love you again" or whatever.
posted by delmoi at 8:38 AM on June 22

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern.
How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days by Howard Bronson.

And do some work on yourself. Bullies should not be doms, and doms should not be bullies. BDSM is a beautiful thing, if that's your kink, but don't combine it with mindfucking.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:47 AM on June 22 [5 favorites]

On closer reading:

Just because you "own" her in the bedroom or she acquiesces to let you "own" her in real life, doesn't mean that you have any claim on her than the one she let you have. The whole fucking point of being in a lifestyle kink relationship is the consent, without it you have nothing. When you broke up, that consent was broken. It sounds like you've assumed that she's been yours for the last 6 months when she wasn't for a second. This realization that you no longer had consent, no longer had control I assume had little to do with love and more to do with jealosy.

(please forgive the gender/sex/top,bottom assumptions)

Don't go wheedling her about getting back together, she's over you. Move on.
posted by JimmyJames at 8:48 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

You mention OVER AND OVER how much she loved you. You don't miss her; you miss her love. She's a human being with a whole range of emotions and thoughts that don't revolve around you, and it sounds like you're having trouble accepting that. You were using her as a crutch to prop yourself up. - Juliet Banana

This is exactly how I'm reading your post, too. You speak of need and the desire for an emotional anchor, but not of her as someone you view as a partner. That makes me think that you don't really need her, you just need someone to take care of you and hold your hand and keep your shit together for you. May or may not be the case, but your writing makes me jump to that interpretation immediately.

You are not whole, and you are not ready to be in a relationship with her nor someone else. You need to be your own person and stand up on your own two feet. You need to let go of anchors, and dependencies, and pedestals and missing pieces in your heart. Get over this by not focusing on it - fill your time with activities you usually enjoy, or find new ones that keep you as busy as possible. Meet new people in various settings, do something scary and daring that could lead you to new hobbies or skills. Take trips.

The advice for getting over break-ups is pretty standard, regardless of the intricate details of each person's situation.
posted by Bakuun at 9:14 AM on June 22

All amateur psychology aside, this is a simple case of "cut off all contact and find someone new." You can't until you do. Stop hoping it will work out magically and move on. Treat the next girl better. The End...(or is it?),
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:45 AM on June 22

a) How to move on from that, and indeed if it's possible to love someone so intensely that you miss them every day and still be their friend;

Don't be her friend. Maybe sometime in the future but that just doesn't matter. Heal yourself. Take some time to just get back on your feet and let her have that space too.

b) She refuses to say that she'll never be in love with me again, and not being able to let go of that is making me insane;

She doesn't need to do anything or say anything at all to make you feel better. You need to be working on yourself and not trying to influence her right now, or ever.

c) How to be civilised and not show that extreme passion to both actually be friends, and;

See my answer to a). No contact, no friendship, give yourselves some real space.

d) How to rebuild myself. I guess I defined myself quite a lot as someone loved utterly by her, even if we weren't talking.

Dude I am with you on all of this, and I have been there - its very hard to not define oneself without some one else's perspective, but that is what you need to be working on. Get out and do stuff that makes you happy. Accept your pain and the long-term scar that you will have from this relationship. Its there and is now part of you; love the entirety of yourself.
posted by RajahKing at 10:00 AM on June 22

I am the OP, and I wanted to say two things.

One, I recognise that I've been a dick, and I am working on fixing myself.
Two (and I should have made this clearer), this is in the context of her statement that she wants to be my best friend and would be heartbroken if we were not as she loves me deeply but is not in love with me.

Otherwise, yes, there would be no ethical issue. I'd just leave her alone as I had been.

Would people still recommend avoiding her?
posted by blatantsockpuppet at 11:12 AM on June 22

Two (and I should have made this clearer), this is in the context of her statement that she wants to be my best friend and would be heartbroken if we were not as she loves me deeply but is not in love with me.

Here's the thing: she can want that, but you don't have to give her that. If it doesn't work for you to be her "best friend," and it probably doesn't, you can say no.

Gah. Codependence abounds. Boundaries are your friend. Learning to maintain healthy boundaries will make the rest of your life better. She needs to do that, too, but she's not writing here.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:26 AM on June 22

Oh no! Her poor little heart will just break if you're not her best friend!

Listen, I know it's hard. I've been in a five year long relationship that ended before. And a million times a day, you see something and think "she'd think this was so funny!" or "that was his favorite typeface" or you're just plain lonely and you can't imagine life without the person you've been with for so long because they were part of you.

YOU GET OVER IT. YOU DON'T GET OVER IT WITHOUT DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM THEM.

I seriously doubt that maintaining contact with you is in your self-interest, though I can't say that for sure since she's not here. I do know that you following up to say that you're only thinking of staying her best friend for her own benefit (because she loves you! but isn't in love with you!) is bullshit. Terrible reason.

If you want to learn how to not be a dick, leave her alone, work on your own problems, and then start fresh as a non-dick with someone who has better boundaries.
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:59 AM on June 22 [2 favorites]

If she really, genuinely wants to be your best friend, in the sense of she cares about you (platonically) and wants you to be happy and healthy and wants this friendship to last, then she will let you go.

If she's not willing to let you get over her, then that's another layer of drama/crutchiness/emotional manipulation, and you should leave her alone anyway because nothing good will come of that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:37 PM on June 22

That you even mentioned the BDSM element of your relationship with this woman makes me wonder if it's the power exchange that you regret losing rather than the person. It's pretty intoxicating having that kind of control over someone and it's very easily misused.

I'm kind of in the 'leave her be' camp here. Whatever work you need to do to get over this, you need to do without involving her. Her life isn't all about you any more.

I'd seriously suggest that you not get into any more BDSM relationships until you've learned to not take for granted what you're being freely given. You've gotten off pretty lightly with taking this woman's surrender to you for granted, you might not be so lucky next time.
posted by Lolie at 2:17 PM on June 22

Wow, time warp. That was my life in 1984, but I was the girl.

Decide what you really want. Do you want her back? If so, try hard. Try harder. That doesn't mean stalk or smother. If you don't want her back say "bubbye" and mean it.

We are married more than 20 years now.
posted by Breav at 5:07 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]