Like a boss

June 21, 2009 6:47 PM

The owner of the company I work for, has made me his special project. How do I cope with a boss who has taken a sudden interest in my professional and personal aspirations?

The Backstory:
There have been ongoing issues between the employees and the employers of a small (<15 employees) company. These issues have been addressed numerous times by more than a few of the employees to the employers. Each time, the employers take these suggestions as a personal attack, and subordinate. Nothing has been resolved, and these issues have made it VERY hard for every department to do their tasks and serve the clients in the best way possible, as a result tensions are high. Somehow, I've been there 2 years. At this point, I am the only one at the company that does this particular job, I am a one person "department." I work hard.

The situation came to a head recently and I became rather upset. About 2 weeks ago, I said a couple things to an account manager that I should not have said. I am very ashamed and embarrassed that I let myself get to this point. It was unprofessional. I have since apologized to the manager and the situation itself has been resolved. The manager told the owner of the company about the outburst.

Since then, the owner of the company (we'll call him O) has decided to "get to know me better" and build a relationship with me that will "foster more communication." He was not there at the time of the outburst. As the company works, he is not directly involved with my day to day activities at the office. I have another boss/co-owner (B) who works closely with me and he is considered my direct boss.

B and I work together great, while O rarely shows up to the office. Up until now, O has shown little or no interest in my day to day work. I honestly have no idea what O does in the office, other than "own the business." B praises my efforts and has given me a lot of responsibilities and has raised me from entry level to a mid level position in the company. Only problem with B, is he thinks O hung the moon. O can do no wrong. Therefore, I can't talk to B about this at all. Also, B hasn't spoken with me about my outburst or O's new found interest in my life.

O is intensely religious, and very politically conservative. The sense of entitlement that this guy has, it's unbelievable. I'm not exaggerating, and clients have made comments to me about his behavior.

His sudden interest in me has included scheduling weekly meetings in which we discuss my "aspirations." He said I should be "honored" that he can take time out of his schedule to visit with me, as I'm important to him.

These meetings start in two weeks. I am to write down my personal and professional aspirations in 6 months, in 1 year, and in 5 years. My goal is to be out of this company in 6 months, but I can't exactly say that. I have bills to pay, I need to keep this job-- Until I find something better. If I don't do this, surely I am going to get fired.

I really just want to continue to show up at 8am, do my work well, serve the clients and go home 5pm. I have been at this company for 2 years and never once raised my voice.

Obviously, I'm searching for a new job but so far, I have no offers. I really love what I do, I just don't like where I do it. My career does not have very many openings in this area at all. Moving to another market is not an option at this time.

How can I express some professional goals and aspirations that I DON'T HAVE?! Should I just lie? Are there some generic goals that could somewhat appease him? How do I express that I do not want to share my personal life goals with him? How do I continue to cope until I find something else?

Questions can be directed to: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

These meetings start in two weeks. I am to write down my personal and professional aspirations in 6 months, in 1 year, and in 5 years. My goal is to be out of this company in 6 months, but I can't exactly say that. I have bills to pay, I need to keep this job-- Until I find something better. If I don't do this, surely I am going to get fired.

When you work for a fucking weirdo, you have to do the things that people who work for fucking weirdos do. Lie your ass off, be nice, make shit up, until you find another job.
posted by jayder at 7:00 PM on June 21 [7 favorites]

O is watching you to find cause to fire you. Be consistent in all you say and do from now on. Use all non-work time to find a new job.
posted by scruss at 7:07 PM on June 21 [1 favorite]

Or,you could actually think about what you want to accomplish professionally and TALK to the guy. Holy cow, Anon, what's the harm? Who knows what contacts or information he has that you might find helpful.
posted by txvtchick at 7:10 PM on June 21

I have met very few owners of companies that weren't, well, different.

Pretend you aren't really jobhunting, think about goals you would have if a different job wasn't what you really were after, and present THAT to him. Consider it your plan B.

PS. I suspect, if he is like other bosses I have had, that he might actually forget about the meetings, or forget to schedule them, or wind up having other things to do and cancelling them-in other words, you might be worrying about something he winds up not doing after all.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:18 PM on June 21

I agree with St. Alia that small business owners can be a bit strange because after all it takes a special sort of person to start and run a small business. But with that said, what is the harm bout going through this exercise? It might be helpful to you.
posted by mmascolino at 7:24 PM on June 21

I wouldn't put anything in writing for him. Otherwise, outline your goals with him verbally - just leave out the part about your aspiration of these goals being attained elsewhere.
posted by torquemaniac at 7:26 PM on June 21

O is watching you to find cause to fire you. Be consistent in all you say and do from now on. Use all non-work time to find a new job.

This explanation doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't see why he'd want to spend so much of his time on scrounging up evidence to fire you...

That said, I'd find this awfully weird too. Especially the personal aspirations part. Eww. Maybe you can come up with some sort of generic professional aspirations, and try to steer it as far away from anything too personal?

And, yeah, use all non-work time to find a new job without a creepy boss.

On preview: St. Alia has a good point about the meetings getting put off or canceled. I have a coworker who loves to schedule godawful meetings, but she schedules so many that most of them never happen.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:32 PM on June 21

His sudden interest in me has included scheduling weekly meetings in which we discuss my "aspirations." He said I should be "honored" that he can take time out of his schedule to visit with me, as I'm important to him.

This is obnoxious and awkward. Had the two of you developed a mentor-type relationship with him naturally, had you requested that he take you on for mentoring, or had he offered to be your mentor and you accepted--in any of those situations, it would be ok for him to ask you fairly personal questions about your aspirations and goals. However, that isn't how it happened, apparently. This is why your reaction is not as unreasonable as txvtchick suggests.

How can I express some professional goals and aspirations that I DON'T HAVE?! Should I just lie? Are there some generic goals that could somewhat appease him?

Yes, you lie--or at least, make stuff up. Have you ever had to fill out a self-evaluation for an annual review? You don't want to disclose bad behavior or failures, but you do want to suggest improvements you could make. Perhaps you could write goals regarding expanding your current practice into a different specialty/area within your industry or say something like "I hope to learn [new industry technology] through [industry-appropriate method] so that in six months I am able to [do some part of your job better]"?

In the mean time, it might be useful to make your own, personal list of goals to keep yourself on track to actually be gone in 6 months.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:34 PM on June 21

Ouch. My sympathies.

Can you turn this around and maybe get O to talk about what he wants from you, or from your role? (While, if necessary, planning on your own time to find a new job?) That might give you some breathing room, and maybe give you an idea of why he has singled you out for unwanted mentoring.
posted by davetill at 7:53 PM on June 21

Yes, you lie--or at least, make stuff up. Have you ever had to fill out a self-evaluation for an annual review? You don't want to disclose bad behavior or failures, but you do want to suggest improvements you could make.

This sounds like a plan. My strategy when asked for "areas for improvement" or "weaknesses" (when the boss is obviously looking for rope to hang me, or at least deny me a raise with) has always been to "reveal" something that is factually known anyway. Like I would say, "I could do my job better if I knew more about java programming." That is strictly true, but then again Java programming is not part of my job description at all, and a cursory glance at my resume would tell anyone I know nothing about Java anyway.

Basically, don't reveal anything they don't already know and aren't already OK with.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:05 PM on June 21 [1 favorite]

I would happily bet you $5 that your little meetings won't last a month. He'll get busy (i.e. bored with his new pet project), meetings will get cancelled, rescheduled and then he'll just stop scheduling them all together. I don't know what you do so I can't tell you what your goals should be, but keep them vague and aspirational. Don't give yourself any hard and fast goals that you could somehow be held to later. Things like: improve client relations by anticipating needs and problems before they arise, and not: increase sales by 10% over the next six months.

If he starts getting personal, religious, or political just dodge, dodge, dodge. In a perfect world I would tell you to set firm boundaries, etc etc, but given how much power he wields and how bizarre he seems I highly doubt he will respect any boundaries if he doesn't want to.
posted by whoaali at 8:22 PM on June 21 [1 favorite]

Small company, he's the owner? Say you hope to be [your boss's title] next year, and running the office in 5 years. Fill it out a bit, describing some steps on how you're going to achieve each thing - a relevant night school class on management, learning the ropes from your boss "so you can pick up the slack when he's away", whatever.

If he's really a crazy egomaniac, he might make that happen RIGHT NOW, just because he can. Then maybe you can make the office environment more to your and everyone else's liking. Or he might have a buddy at the Crazy Business Owner Lodge who needs a [your boss's title].

I don't really see any down side to playing along. I mean, if he wants to fire you, why would he bother with the charade?
posted by ctmf at 8:37 PM on June 21

I'm going to row against the Mefi stream here.

Why not take this as an opportunity to learn something about running a small business? You say you have no idea what he does as owner. This is an opportunity to learn about parts of the business you may not be exposed to in your role. What do you know about venture capital, paychecks, staffing? Spend your time interviewing him.

Your boss may just be an @ss and you may not be "honored" to have 1:1 time with him. Still you're stuck doing it until he get bored, might as well learn something along the way.
posted by 26.2 at 8:41 PM on June 21

I am to write down my personal and professional aspirations in 6 months, in 1 year, and in 5 years. My goal is to be out of this company in 6 months, but I can't exactly say that. I have bills to pay, I need to keep this job-- Until I find something better. If I don't do this, surely I am going to get fired.

I really just want to continue to show up at 8am, do my work well, serve the clients and go home 5pm. I have been at this company for 2 years and never once raised my voice.

Why not tell him this, along with your reasons for why. You could get fired, but on the other hand, he might not be fully aware of the shenanigans going on in his company.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 9:06 PM on June 21

I like ctmf's advice, and honestly, you should think of it this way: surely you DO want SOMETHING better for yourself professionally? It might not be at this job, but wouldn't you like you own your own concern someday? Perhaps not; perhaps you want nothing more than the 8-to-5 grind for the rest of your life, but can you at least imagine a job where you'd want more?

Keep looking for a new job, watch your back, lie if you have to -- all good advice for staying employed in the short term. But, at the same time, spend the next six weeks THINKING about his questions. Perhaps -- just perhaps -- this entitled overbearing guy has something you can learn from. Open your mind to the possibility.

Finally: what if your boss DID tell this guy about your outburst -- and maybe this guy interpreted it as a sign that you're a talented person who's being frustrated by the corporate structure, and needs a hand to get through it? I'm not saying you should trust him (I'm never one to suggest trusting anybody) but protect your ass and try to use this as a catalyst to figure out what you actually do want. Don't be afraid to shoot for the moon.
posted by davejay at 9:21 PM on June 21

Agreed with all: this is awkward and you may have to lie or misrepresent some information you give him.

That being said, ctfm and 26.2 are correct: this is an opportunity. Once a week, you have access to a successful small business owner. I've heard from several different respected entrepreneurs that the best thing one can do for career guidance is find someone who's already done it and ask them about it.

Rather than make up something that you think he wants to hear, do a little soul-searching. What do you really want? Take whatever inklings you've got, and then look at what you're doing now, and try to figure out how it gets you closer to those things. You say that you like what you're doing. What's the next logical step up the chain? Or what's another career that's similar but even closer to optimal? I think it's okay if your interests don't 100% align with the company; if you're asking genuine, thoughtful questions, I think most people would be impressed and want to help.

If you play this right, you can learn about yourself and make a connection. You might have to stroke his ego a bit or dodge some unsavory religious/political discussions. If you do a good job and part on good terms with the guy, you can have him as a resource (are you on linkedin?). Bottom line: it never hurts to network.
posted by dualityofmind at 11:13 PM on June 21

Following on to drjimmy11, keep an ear out if they start probing you about all of the stuff that "only you do." If they try to extract your specific knowledge w.r.t. the company (what is called 'domain knowledge'), you can suspect they're trying to get a handle on your responsibilities so that you're not so indispensible.

I'm not saying that this is what's happening, or that I agree with your suspicions, but my experience has been that in your niche position, your knowledge within your position is your value, and if they start trying to extract that from you (friendlywise or by putting you on the spot, leading a meeting or whatever) then your position there becomes more replaceable than if you were still the only person who knew what you know.

Then again, they may just want to get to know you. But forewarned is forearmed.
posted by rhizome at 11:42 PM on June 21

B likes you, B likes O, so you end up with O taking an interest in your work. I know it sounds like these meetings with O will be uncomfortable and kind of not necessary, but you're stuck so I would say make the best of it and see if you can learn something from O. If nothing else, you'll learn how to deal with his kind of personality.

If you're stuck for goals, do your best at making a list of goals that would make sense if you wanted to stay at this company, and if you are not sure about them you could talk to B and say hey, I've been thinking over my goals since O and I talked, and I was thinking x,y,z - you really know me and my work well, so do you have some time to let me bounce these off you?
posted by KAS at 6:41 AM on June 22

It sounds like you might actually like your job if the company politics weren't so awful. Maybe you should tell O about your professional goal of learning to fix negative corporate atmospheres, or that you're trying to develop skills in leadership and morale-boosting. Maybe you could tell him more specifically that you've got some ideas for how the company could be more successful, but you're trying to learn how to make those changes happen diplomatically:

"Well, O, I really like the work that I do here, and I feel like success for me would be to make the company more successful. In the two years I've been here, I've noticed a few things about the interoffice politics and processes here that really seem to be holding all of us back. I don't want to step on any toes, but I have a few ideas about it seems like there are a few obvious ways we could improve things to make the company more successful for all of us. To be honest, where I'm stuck is in trying to find a diplomatic, effective way to get people on board with changes. X, Y, and Z changes have been suggested several times, but it seems like A, B, and C conditions [not people!] have kept us from moving forward. You're a successful business owner, so you must have some good ideas about how to work with people to make things happen. Got any tips for me?"

You're not complaining, you're making it your goal to be better at working with people and improving the workplace. It's proactive and positive, and maybe (if you're really lucky) it will lead to your office becoming much more bearable. Make sure you really emphasize that YOU want to learn to push these changes along, though - if O sees your side and just hands down a decree to make the changes, it may make some of the resistant management types resent you.
posted by vytae at 8:16 AM on June 22

Sounds like standard business practice - certainly, I go for an appraisal every month with my managers and bosses where we chat about what I want to do, how I can improve myself etc.

It's made partly out of altruism, and also to ensure that the employees are happy with their skillset.

Take the opportunity to figure out what skills you do want to improve about yourself, and then tell O that. He obviously knows you're frustrated by SOMETHING in the company, otherwise you wouldn't have lashed out like that.
posted by almostwitty at 8:59 AM on June 22

26.2, rhizome, and dualityofmind all make GREAT points. Probably better than what I have to add, but here goes...

I could be way way wrong, but I'm concerned that O could have a sorta pervy interest in you - could that at all be the case? "Predators" (and that might be too strong a word, but I can't think of another) pick on the vulnerable. Maybe this weird successful guy is acting upon an opportunity (you) that came to his attention when he was informed about your outburst? I dunno - just came to mind.

And here is my second thought....

Your description of the exercise you've been assigned sounds like any generic a self-improvement exercise (at best) or maybe some a sorta cult recruitment/indoctrination technique. I wish I was kidding! But I worked on a story many years ago about a financial pyramid/ponzi-type scheme that presented itself as a spiritual "fellowship" targeting office workers. When I read your description of O's religious devotion and his requested efforts from you (regular meetings and written exercises where you disclose personal stuff) my experience years ago working on that story popped immediately to mind. And honestly, that is not a memory that comes to mind often:)

If he is religious and conservative, it is possible he may consciously or subconsciously be mimicking some flavor of persuasion technique he has responded well towards himself. Does this seem consistent with interactions you've witnessed between him and others?

--------

For certain I get the whiff of some impropriety against you just because there is such a large power disparity between you and O. And also because you describe the workplace as generally dysfunctional.

I tend to think that anything which goes beyond your duties while at the office is unacceptable for O to be inquiring about. Anyone who makes a point of telling you they are "doing you a favor," usually has an agenda and isn't doing you any kind of favor at all.

If you can keep it all professional - great, go learn what you can from O. But please do practice some strategies that keep interactions neutral if O starts proselytizing, hits on you, or otherwise gives you the feeling he has crossed a boundary.

Lastly, you seem intelligent and skilled. You will find a great new job in a healthier environment. Be sure to keep you energy moving in that direction!
posted by jbenben at 6:11 AM on June 26

For certain I get the whiff of some impropriety against you just because there is such a large power disparity between you and O. And also because you describe the workplace as generally dysfunctional.

I think that's a stretch. It sounds a lot more like mentoring.

The workplace does not sound all that dysfunctional. Except for the size of the company, and the fact that there are obviously opportunities for promotion, Anon sounds like he's working at Dell.

If he's unhappy there then by all means he should move on. But he's been promoted, and gets along great with his boss, who gives him responsibility and positive feedback.

From Anon's description O is not guilty of any impropriety. Anon has a good boss who looks up to O and, significantly, Anon seems to have worked for this boss his whole time there (indicates low turnover at the mgmt level). The account manager obviously feels comfortable talking to O. It sounds like O heard about Anon's outburst, that Anon is considered a rising star within the company, and O is taking an appropriate course of action to try and keep and develop him.

Mostly Anon sounds uncomfortable for two reasons:
- O is conservative and religious. The workplace is full of people of every ideological stripe who are not shy about it. It never hurts to talk and learn how to communicate with people that you don't agree with.
- Anon is not familiar with mentoring and isn't sure what to expect. Hopefully some of the answers here have helped him.

One of the toughest things about starting a professional career is learning the difference in perspective people with more experience and responsibility have. Everyone at every level has challenges in their job and what is dysfunctional to one person may be something totally different to another. Anon may get a new perspective from these meetings, and he may give O one. But any way you look at it, it's a learning experience and thus a win for Anon.
posted by txvtchick at 8:34 AM on June 26