Will he change his mind?

June 18, 2009 1:14 PM

Do men change their minds about having children?

I'm 46, my fiance is 31. We've been together 3 1/2 years, and are ridiculously happy together. I have 2 children (ages 25 and 23), and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any more, if the Norplant and the IUD stay where they're supposed to. Plus, you know, 46. Healthy, but still 46.

We've talked about this a lot, and every other month or so I ask him again: are you sure you don't want to have kids? He always says yes, he's sure, no kids.

But I was reading the recent thread about women suddenly getting baby-mania, and it freaked me out a little. I guess I understand why women might suddenly change their minds - hormones and whatever. So, does this happen to men too?

Men, have you suddenly changed your mind about having children after being sure that you don't want them? What happened? Women, have you been in a childfree relationship where your SO suddenly changed his mind? What did you do? Is it a dealbreaker?

Just so we're clear, I'm looking for reassurance that we're not going to be faced with a huge crisis (well, this particular crisis) in 5 or 10 years. Occasionally I imagine my menopausal self being dumped for a fertile 20 year old, which I know could happen anyway. But I'm hoping not.

Thanks for your advice, even if you can't reassure me!

posted by annabkr to human relations (25 comments total)

Frankly I'd be freaked out if my partner insisted on asking me every other month about kids. You can either believe him or not - there's no way to guarantee he won't change his mind.

And the answer to "Do men (or women") ever do x" is always "Some of them, some of the time."
posted by restless_nomad at 1:22 PM on June 18 [6 favorites]

Just so we're clear, I'm looking for reassurance that we're not going to be faced with a huge crisis (well, this particular crisis) in 5 or 10 years.

No one can reassure you of this. I've known guys who knew in their 20s and their 30s that they didn't want kids, and continued not to want them into their 40s and beyond. I've also known guys who didn't want kids in their 20s and 30s, and they wound up wanting them very much indeed in their late 30s and into their 40s.

The only guy who is your guy is your guy. If your relationship is solid and healthy, then the only good option is to take him at his word. But you also have to understand that nothing in life is ultimately guaranteed. All leaps like this are, to an extent, leaps of faith. Relationships change and evolve because the people in them change and evolve.

Besides, if he does turn out to want kids after all in 5-10 years, who's to say you can't have children via adoption or surrogacy?
posted by scody at 1:24 PM on June 18 [6 favorites]

I'm looking for reassurance that we're not going to be faced with a huge crisis (well, this particular crisis) in 5 or 10 years.

If you guy can't do this for you, why are you asking us?

You question sounds like "Are all men fantastic lairs about the want for children?" Which is deeply insulting to your guy.

Knock it off and trust him. Be happy.
posted by Ookseer at 1:25 PM on June 18 [1 favorite]

scody makes a good point. You're looking for a definitive answer that you can't have. And that's assuming you can still conceive a kid now, which you don't know.

Stop asking him, and let him worry about it.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:26 PM on June 18

Some men do change their minds. As scody says, nobody can reassure you that this never happens, because it does happen.

And yes, choices about children are pretty much always dealbreakers in a monogamous relationship, because it's not like you can compromise on this as partners--either you have children or you don't have children. It's not like one of you can be a parent and the other one just ignore the children.

But if he does change his mind, and you're open to changing your mind, you guys can always parent children together later on, even after it's not possible or advisable for you to bear children.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:28 PM on June 18

Nthing everyone else, there's no good answers to your question.

That said, maybe when your kids start having kids, he'll get into the "grandpa" role, which could satisfy his hypothetical urges for children, or make him want some of his own.

You just don't know.
posted by Oktober at 1:36 PM on June 18

I knew at 25 that I wasn't interested in having kids. Vasectomy at 30. Now 40. Haven't changed my mind in the slightest... and having the vasectomy totally erased any worries regarding unplanned pregnancies.

The fact that your fiance appears happy with your children would appear to mean (at least to me) that he is very happy with what he has with your family and has little desire to reproduce.

What you've indicated in your question parallels my own experience - the men who suddenly want children are those who have left their wives for another (usually younger) model. Importantly, the same men are likely to have had children in the previous marriage - to them, reproduction essentially "seals the deal", or is the primary motive behind marriage.

It doesn't sound like your husband-to-be fits that stereotype at all. If it's reassurance you're after, you might ask him to look into a vasectomy... with the understanding that it is entirely his body, his choice, and turning down the idea would not cause you to wonder if he's really serious about the "no kids" thing.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 1:38 PM on June 18 [1 favorite]

Even if hubby does change his mind, what's the worst that will happen? Could you adopt or something, or are you assuming if he changes his mind he'll automatically leave? There's some grey in the "he could change his mind" area. If you trust him about everything else, then trust him on this too. Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 1:39 PM on June 18

Ookseer is right - my question does sound like "are all men fantastic liars." I don't think my fiance is a liar - I totally believe him when he says he doesn't want kids.
But what I'm really interested in is whether men go through the hormonal/life cycle thing like many women seem to do. If I were an older guy and my younger SO swore she'd never want children, I'd believe her for now, but I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind later on. I'd almost give it a 50/50 chance.
restless_nomad: I agree about the freakyness of asking all the time, but actually we agreed that we should touch base on it every once in a while. Maybe I exaggerate about every other month. 2x a year? Occasionally after we spend a whole day at someone's house with lots of kids? More like that.
posted by annabkr at 1:41 PM on June 18

My own father changed his mind about having children and apparently, sometime after my dad became a father a good friend discussed fatherhood with him, ultimately deciding to become a father himself. My dad was around your fiance's age at the time he had me, my dad's friend a few years older when he did.

So there are two examples that, yes, men can change their mind. Everyone reading your question probably knows both men and women that changed their minds about children and others who remained steadfastly child free. There's simply no way to have the reassurance you're looking for, but asking him every other month is going to get real annoying real fast. (I know we covered this back in April but are you still sure you don't want to have kids?)

On preview: If it's reassurance you're after, you might ask him to look into a vasectomy...

Something about that phrase really creeps me out. Reassurance by permanently modifying his body to satisfy a desire that he'll never want children because he won't be able to have them? Ick.
posted by 6550 at 1:42 PM on June 18

My brother-in-law told my sister up front that he wasn't interested in having kids. My sister thought about it for a while and accepted it. They celebrate their 12th wedding anniversary this year. I don't think it comes up in conversation, and certainly not bi-monthly. Of course, YMMV but as scody says, you can always adopt if you change your mind.
posted by arcticseal at 1:42 PM on June 18

We've talked about this a lot, and every other month or so I ask him again

Don't do this.
posted by rokusan at 1:43 PM on June 18

My dad was around your fiance's age at the time he had me, my dad's friend a few years older when he did.

a few years older when he had his own children. Not me!
posted by 6550 at 1:43 PM on June 18

Disclaimer: Male, no kids. I wanted kids when I was in my 20's, now that I'm in my mid 30's, no. Hormones may play a part, reduced energy and patience to deal with babies and toddlers, and I also don't want to bring a kid into this world to inherit the mess that has been made of it. Obviously I don't want to see a world with no children, just not in my house, and a belief that 2 kids is enough to sustain population. Just my opinion.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 1:55 PM on June 18

I changed my mind. In my 20s and early 30s I did not want kids, and then I changed my mind. One of the things that did it was the proliferation of friends with kids as I aged. After seeing them, and watching my sister with my nephews, I changed my mind and very much want to have kids now.

Folks who have maintained their desire not to have kids often speak about this sort of question as if it's somehow insulting on its face, but the fact of the matter is that most people in the US have kids. (I think the number is something like 70% of US women give birth during their lives.) Given those data, and the many anecdotes we've all heard about people changing their minds about this, this is a perfectly legitimate thing to be concerned about. (Which is not the same thing as saying that he will leave if he changes his mind.)
posted by OmieWise at 1:55 PM on June 18

Everybody reserves the right to change his or her mind on things large and small, and there's nothing anyone can do to change this. Since you are in a relationship, you won't be having kids unless you both want them, so the risk (in this particular case) is that he'll be unhappy if he decides he wants kids.

That's a risk you take in being in a relationship with someone. That never goes away. They take the same risk with you. That's why commitment is important, and communication, and trust.
posted by davejay at 2:31 PM on June 18

Judging from what you're best-answering, I'm guessing your actual question was "Can you tell me about your experiences changing your mind about having kids, or your male partner changing his mind?"

Is that correct? Because it's definitely different from "Will my bf change his mind?"
posted by restless_nomad at 2:36 PM on June 18

I did not want kids at 20 or 25.

Then I acquired a step-child and spent 13 years helping to raise her.

Now 37, sometimes I have regrets about not having my own, but they are generally fleeting and probably more empty nest syndrome.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:39 PM on June 18

One of the things my wife and I had in common when we met--we were both in our mid-20s--was that we didn't want kids. We changed our minds about it, very gradually, and finally had a child seventeen months ago, after 13 years of marriage. So, we did change our mind about it, but not suddenly, and it was a mutual change.

If you're 46 and have two grown children already, what's the motivation? It seems like a part of life you've already experienced. Your kids will likely have children at some point, if they don't have them already, which gives you a chance to take on a new role as a grandparent. I'd embrace that and your upcoming marriage and not worry about biological clocks.
posted by wheat at 3:34 PM on June 18

Mind-changer here, didn't want them in my 20's or early 30's; mid-30's, decided that kids would be a good thing after all, and glad that I did (of course).

However, I also have quite a few friends that are the same age or older, and have stuck by the "no kids" feeling all along. They're very happy with their decision.

Everyone's different. He might change, he might not, but it's likely that if you don't have a reason to want more, then he doesn't have external motivation for change.
posted by 5MeoCMP at 4:51 PM on June 18

from what i have witnessed with other couples, the man only changed his mind because the wife was pushing for it. i have known many men who reversed their vasectomies because the woman suddenly got a case of baby-mania, but never have i heard of a man changing his mind on his own.
posted by penguingrl at 5:01 PM on June 18

Lots of people change their mind in one direction or another. There isn't anything you can do about it, but if you WANT him to change his mind, remind him every month about how he doesn't have a child and I'm sure it will happen eventually.
posted by glider at 5:37 PM on June 18

If there is a life cycle time when a guy will change his mind, it might be in his 40's, when things aren't going well and he feels old and well...this is where the trophy wife thing comes from. But that'll be a long ways off, and you can't plan for that one.

Have you guys had the vasectomy discussion?
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:08 PM on June 18

No matter how many anecdotes you get on either side, you're never going to feel fully secure and reassured about this. Seems like it would make more sense to talk it through with your fiance about what you would do if he starts wanting a child-- what are his (and your) feelings about adoption? About surrogate pregnancy/egg donations? About being foster parents? (And about when, if ever, a person is "too old" to parent a young child?) I'm sure that much of it will be hard for him to predict since right now he feels sure he doesn't want kids at all, but if you guys have pretty good communication, hopefully you can have a good "what if" dialogue that may go some way towards reassuring you that you can handle this as a couple if it does happen.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 3:49 PM on June 19

he might change his mind, and so might you. the question is not whether he changes his mind, it's how you guys will cope if he does. if he changes his mind, and you are on board with late motherhood, you could adopt, foster, or have a child through surrogacy.

also, your children are in their 20s now...it may be that grandkids will help soothe whatever baby jones he might develop down the line.

it sounds like you have a wonderful person in your life--don't sabotage it by constantly discussing something he can't have.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:55 AM on June 20