House cats and the outsider who came between them
June 18, 2009 5:44 AM Subscribe
CatFilter: How do I console my cat whose world has been shattered? (details within)
First for introductions: between my partner and I we have two cats.
One who is a cowardly lion that I picked up at the bar when he was nary 4 weeks old. This is technically "my" cat. Ever since I found him he's single-handedly substantiated Freudian psychology with his oral fixation by nursing whenever he finds something suitable, which I am sure plays into his cowardice. He is now 2 and a half years old.
My partner's cat is a female, and a curious, brave cat at that. She was the second cat brought into the home, and she's ever since subjected herself to the compensatory alpha-male facade that Frederick puts on - which is why they get along so well. She is probably close to 2 years old.
Now is when I get to the problem. My neighbor has a stray cat that got loose yesterday, and we found it outside getting into a fight with some dogs so we rescued her and holed her up in our bathroom for a couple of hours. The problem is, this seems to have completely dissolved Frederick's sense of security with himself, his environment, and especially our other cat Sophie. When we brought in the stray he would hiss and yowl like I've never heard. That's not surprising - but what is surprising is how this sense of an invader has transferred now to Sophie, and so everytime he even catches sight of her he hisses and yowls and backs into corners like she was the stray. It's really sad to see, and I'm not sure how to make them friends again. I'm also concerned for Frederick's sake because he seems to be stuck in fight-or-flight mode, with rapid shallow breaths ever since last night - I'm afraid he's going to collapse from too much stress.
How do I console my cat whose world has been shattered, and reestablish the friendship between these two? My only ideas were to give him space for long enough until he recuperates, and then to slowly reintroduce the two... and the details escape me. Help!
First for introductions: between my partner and I we have two cats.
One who is a cowardly lion that I picked up at the bar when he was nary 4 weeks old. This is technically "my" cat. Ever since I found him he's single-handedly substantiated Freudian psychology with his oral fixation by nursing whenever he finds something suitable, which I am sure plays into his cowardice. He is now 2 and a half years old.
My partner's cat is a female, and a curious, brave cat at that. She was the second cat brought into the home, and she's ever since subjected herself to the compensatory alpha-male facade that Frederick puts on - which is why they get along so well. She is probably close to 2 years old.
Now is when I get to the problem. My neighbor has a stray cat that got loose yesterday, and we found it outside getting into a fight with some dogs so we rescued her and holed her up in our bathroom for a couple of hours. The problem is, this seems to have completely dissolved Frederick's sense of security with himself, his environment, and especially our other cat Sophie. When we brought in the stray he would hiss and yowl like I've never heard. That's not surprising - but what is surprising is how this sense of an invader has transferred now to Sophie, and so everytime he even catches sight of her he hisses and yowls and backs into corners like she was the stray. It's really sad to see, and I'm not sure how to make them friends again. I'm also concerned for Frederick's sake because he seems to be stuck in fight-or-flight mode, with rapid shallow breaths ever since last night - I'm afraid he's going to collapse from too much stress.
How do I console my cat whose world has been shattered, and reestablish the friendship between these two? My only ideas were to give him space for long enough until he recuperates, and then to slowly reintroduce the two... and the details escape me. Help!
Response by poster: Thanks, but that doesn't actually help at all, and being a psychologist by trade I am quite aware of my own anthropomorphizations - that doesn't diminish one iota its functional value for illustrating circumstances in familiar terms.
posted by tybeet at 6:17 AM on June 18, 2009 [9 favorites]
posted by tybeet at 6:17 AM on June 18, 2009 [9 favorites]
Just give it some time. Your anxiety is probably not helping. Let him be for a couple of days.
Also, FWIW, my cats, who are from the same litter, would sometimes freak out and start attacking each other (not in their normal playing way). I always ignored it and they always got over it.
posted by miss tea at 6:18 AM on June 18, 2009
Also, FWIW, my cats, who are from the same litter, would sometimes freak out and start attacking each other (not in their normal playing way). I always ignored it and they always got over it.
posted by miss tea at 6:18 AM on June 18, 2009
Give your cat a while to remember Sophie. Many moons ago, my cat had kittens that we kept. I was sharehousing at the time, and various members of the household adopted each of the three babies, so the family stayed together while each person only had one cat.
Anyway, our lease ran out and we moved, and briefly wound up seperating two of the kittens from mother cat. After about three weeks apart, we brought them all back together in the new house - and Ma had forgotten who the babies were. Really freaked us all out, not the least the kittens, who bounded up to their mum for a cuddle and got swatted and hissed at.
It took a few weeks, but once she remembered who the kittens were, she went right back to dragging dismembered wildlife into the house for them to practice their hunting on.
Just give them time, and your cats will move on.
posted by Jilder at 6:21 AM on June 18, 2009
Anyway, our lease ran out and we moved, and briefly wound up seperating two of the kittens from mother cat. After about three weeks apart, we brought them all back together in the new house - and Ma had forgotten who the babies were. Really freaked us all out, not the least the kittens, who bounded up to their mum for a cuddle and got swatted and hissed at.
It took a few weeks, but once she remembered who the kittens were, she went right back to dragging dismembered wildlife into the house for them to practice their hunting on.
Just give them time, and your cats will move on.
posted by Jilder at 6:21 AM on June 18, 2009
I have had many cats over the years, as many as 8 at a time, and they have experienced various stresses from new cats, from there being another cat they never did quite get along with, from a nasty interaction with a loose dog, for instance.
Time is the cure. For some cats, it's quicker, and for some it's shorter. I think your idea of treating them like they're new cats again is a good one--is there a bedroom Frederick likes where he can be isolated but visited often while he calms down, and where he can still smell and hear Sophie through the door? If he's a slow-to-adjust cat, you might give him even a few days there before you open the door and let them start exploring again.
posted by not that girl at 6:22 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Time is the cure. For some cats, it's quicker, and for some it's shorter. I think your idea of treating them like they're new cats again is a good one--is there a bedroom Frederick likes where he can be isolated but visited often while he calms down, and where he can still smell and hear Sophie through the door? If he's a slow-to-adjust cat, you might give him even a few days there before you open the door and let them start exploring again.
posted by not that girl at 6:22 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
We have the same problem when our small, fraidy cat even sees another cat out a window. She fluffs all over, hisses and yowls, and goes after our big, sweetheart cat full bore with all her claws and teeth. All we can do is separate them by several doors and wait a few hours for her to calm down. Most cats seem to have short memories, so hopefully after a day or so Frederick will feel better.
There's always the standard AskMeFi answer of Feliway. We've used the plug in vaporizer thing it a few times when stress has been high in our house for one reason or another.
posted by hydropsyche at 6:24 AM on June 18, 2009
There's always the standard AskMeFi answer of Feliway. We've used the plug in vaporizer thing it a few times when stress has been high in our house for one reason or another.
posted by hydropsyche at 6:24 AM on June 18, 2009
Ever since I found him he's single-handedly substantiated Freudian psychology with his oral fixation by nursing whenever he finds something suitable, which I am sure plays into his cowardice
Maybe, maybe not so much. My old cat did the same thing, in that he'd try to lick people's earlobes like his life depended on it. Cat tongues are rough, and we prized our ears, but whatever we did we couldn't make him shake his ear fixation. Anyway, at the same time, he picked up a minor reputation for intimidating neighbours' kitties and, even toward the end of his life, would still wobble arthritically out into the garden to face of whatever upstart three-times-his-bodyweight rival cats he saw edging in on his territory.
posted by permafrost at 6:32 AM on June 18, 2009
Maybe, maybe not so much. My old cat did the same thing, in that he'd try to lick people's earlobes like his life depended on it. Cat tongues are rough, and we prized our ears, but whatever we did we couldn't make him shake his ear fixation. Anyway, at the same time, he picked up a minor reputation for intimidating neighbours' kitties and, even toward the end of his life, would still wobble arthritically out into the garden to face of whatever upstart three-times-his-bodyweight rival cats he saw edging in on his territory.
posted by permafrost at 6:32 AM on June 18, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks. I appreciate the perspective. Deep down I know time is the cure, it's just hard because we sympathize with his stress - being a stressful period of time for us, too, doesn't help any.
I think what's most difficult is coming to terms with just how slow he is to adjust. Now that I think of it though, it was just like this when he was a kitten (only he didn't hiss, he just cowered and shivered) for days and days when I got him. He's just been with-it for so long that I've forgotten.
posted by tybeet at 6:35 AM on June 18, 2009
I think what's most difficult is coming to terms with just how slow he is to adjust. Now that I think of it though, it was just like this when he was a kitten (only he didn't hiss, he just cowered and shivered) for days and days when I got him. He's just been with-it for so long that I've forgotten.
posted by tybeet at 6:35 AM on June 18, 2009
Response by poster: Also thanks for the Feliway link! That would be really handy to have when we move in August. And here I was thinking I'd just dope him with tranquilizers.
posted by tybeet at 6:38 AM on June 18, 2009
posted by tybeet at 6:38 AM on June 18, 2009
The new cat should be in a separate room for a few days to a week or longer. Use Feliway liberally.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:40 AM on June 18, 2009
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:40 AM on June 18, 2009
Check your own body language. You sound completely distraught about the state your cat is in, and this may be contributing to his distress. He was initially frightened by the stray, but now he's taking his emotional cues from you. Try confining your other cat to another part of the house while you spend some very relaxed time with your cat. Just read a book nearby and occasionally chat with him in a calm voice.
My cat occasionally freaks when the neighbour's cat visits uninvited. When I show him, by my posture and my tone of voice, that I'm relaxed and we're both completely safe, he relaxes too. Cats might be self-absorbed arseholes a lot of the time, but they really are good at discerning human moods. It's very much in their interests to know when theircan opener human companion is having a bad day.
Failing this, if your cat's distress continues to the point where you think it's damaging his health (not eating, toilet probems etc) take him to see a vet. I know a usually very relaxed tabby who became so stressed by minor house renovations that she was given kitty-valium for a week. She spent that time in a goofy stupor, then went off the drugs once the renovations were over. She's been her usual chilled self ever since.
posted by embrangled at 6:44 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
My cat occasionally freaks when the neighbour's cat visits uninvited. When I show him, by my posture and my tone of voice, that I'm relaxed and we're both completely safe, he relaxes too. Cats might be self-absorbed arseholes a lot of the time, but they really are good at discerning human moods. It's very much in their interests to know when their
Failing this, if your cat's distress continues to the point where you think it's damaging his health (not eating, toilet probems etc) take him to see a vet. I know a usually very relaxed tabby who became so stressed by minor house renovations that she was given kitty-valium for a week. She spent that time in a goofy stupor, then went off the drugs once the renovations were over. She's been her usual chilled self ever since.
posted by embrangled at 6:44 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'll third the Feliway (and time). Bringing in a third cat to the house resulted in a very similar situation to yours, and good lord did the Feliway make a difference.
posted by romakimmy at 7:04 AM on June 18, 2009
posted by romakimmy at 7:04 AM on June 18, 2009
I live with a couple who went through this when they merged their households. His cats were like your Frederick and Sophie, hers were both social and adventurous and OMG TOTALLY TERRIFYING. Past a certain point, their timid cat just quit trusting anyone, same as yours has, and the fear started looking like a self-reinforcing thing.
The solution they found was to kick all the other cats out of their bedroom. The timid one could have the run of the bedroom, cuddle with them at night, and venture out when he was feeling brave. The other cats had the rest of the house to romp and play in, and plenty of human interaction during the day.
In the end, the timid one got his sense of security back, and even started venturing out more often and interacting some with the new cats. It turns out that seeing another cat when he's already terrified is, well, terrifying, but seeing another cat when he's feeling calm and safe is sometimes okay.
Now, he's still got their bedroom as his own personal hideout when shit gets freaky. But in your case, it sounds like the source of stress was temporary, so hopefully all Frederick needs is a day or two in a comfortable space with no surprise visits from Sophie in order to get his equilibrium back.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:24 AM on June 18, 2009
The solution they found was to kick all the other cats out of their bedroom. The timid one could have the run of the bedroom, cuddle with them at night, and venture out when he was feeling brave. The other cats had the rest of the house to romp and play in, and plenty of human interaction during the day.
In the end, the timid one got his sense of security back, and even started venturing out more often and interacting some with the new cats. It turns out that seeing another cat when he's already terrified is, well, terrifying, but seeing another cat when he's feeling calm and safe is sometimes okay.
Now, he's still got their bedroom as his own personal hideout when shit gets freaky. But in your case, it sounds like the source of stress was temporary, so hopefully all Frederick needs is a day or two in a comfortable space with no surprise visits from Sophie in order to get his equilibrium back.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:24 AM on June 18, 2009
When we moved my cats started freaking out during the packing process, so we bought this "calming powder" at Petco. You just mix a scoopful (it comes with the scoop) with some wet food and let your cat eat it. I have 3 cats and have had amazing success with it - they now get some before long car rides, if someone is coming to do work in the house, etc. It really is amazing stuff, at least in my experience.
I looked at the ingredients and it's basically hops and tryptophan, so it sort of makes sense. It's like they washed down a big turkey dinner with a nice refreshing beer! :c)
posted by sickinthehead at 7:29 AM on June 18, 2009
I looked at the ingredients and it's basically hops and tryptophan, so it sort of makes sense. It's like they washed down a big turkey dinner with a nice refreshing beer! :c)
posted by sickinthehead at 7:29 AM on June 18, 2009
Three weeks.
We were a one-cat household for a few months, and then brought in a second cat in an attempt to help the first cat not be so lonely. FirstCat hated, HATED, SecondCat, exhibiting the same kind of behavior you're talking about. Any time I would go into the separate room and pet SecondCat and then get anywhere near FirstCat, FirstCat would freak out on *me*. After a few days in separate rooms, we let them be in the same space as each other.
Night and day, growl, snarl, hiss. Not much actual fighting, maybe a swat here and there. After week two, we were convinced that this was officially the Worst Decision Ever.
Then, halfway through Week Three, they just started being cool with each other. Not super friendly, but definitely cool. Now, six months later, they're buddies, and hang out.
So, give it three weeks, and see where you're at. Also, Feliway. Good luck.
posted by cheeken at 8:10 AM on June 18, 2009
We were a one-cat household for a few months, and then brought in a second cat in an attempt to help the first cat not be so lonely. FirstCat hated, HATED, SecondCat, exhibiting the same kind of behavior you're talking about. Any time I would go into the separate room and pet SecondCat and then get anywhere near FirstCat, FirstCat would freak out on *me*. After a few days in separate rooms, we let them be in the same space as each other.
Night and day, growl, snarl, hiss. Not much actual fighting, maybe a swat here and there. After week two, we were convinced that this was officially the Worst Decision Ever.
Then, halfway through Week Three, they just started being cool with each other. Not super friendly, but definitely cool. Now, six months later, they're buddies, and hang out.
So, give it three weeks, and see where you're at. Also, Feliway. Good luck.
posted by cheeken at 8:10 AM on June 18, 2009
Nthing Feliway, not just for now, or once, or in one place, but for always, everywhere and forever. It's remarkable stuff, and I've not known it fail in improving a cat's sense of safety within the home. I've heard people blow it off as a gimmick saying it doesn't work with their cats, but when you look at how they are using it, they aren't generally using it right or anywhere near enough.
You are the model owner knowing that it's time that is going to be a major factor in healing up this mosaic rift between Frederick and Sophie. How you manage that time is crucial. Frederick probably was very stimulated with fear and aggression when he saw/smelled the stray. Adrenaline kills reason, and he may well have momentarily mistaken Sophie for the intruder, hence his attacks on her. It could take a while to reverse his perception of this, but these things may help:
Set one room aside for Frederick and add some Feliway.
A private litter tray for him and a plenty of fresh water too. Make sure Sophie has plenty of the same.
Make him at least one bed/hidey hole in that room he can retreat to for some emotional recharge time away from everyone/everything.
Fix up a wide meshed screen door across the doorway. This will allow him to see/smell her from a safe place and also ensure her safety. Let him see you feeding, petting and playing with her through the door. You can feed them both within sight of each other. Frederick needs to be reminded of the normality prior to the trauma. The best way of doing this is to let him see you interacting with Sophie. He'll learn again that she isn't a threat.
Don't reassure him too much.
Acting bored, like embrangled so astutely mentioned above is a great way to reassure your animals that there isn't anything to be bothered about.
Plenty of scent swapping, pet Sophie, pet Frederick, don't wash your hands inbetween. Similarly, swap their bedding around between them
Get the scent of the stray out of your bathroom. A deep clean would be good.
When Frederick ceases hissing (fear) growling (aggression) then look to having both cats in a room together, under supervision. Both of you, one cat each to supervise.
Arm yourselves with plenty of distracting toys and treats.
Grooming both cats is a good way to increase their bond with you and distract them from each other. It will also relax you.
If Frederick acts as if he's about to launch an attack on Sophie, a treat thrown across his line of vision can distract him quickly (if he's not so food driven, this may not be enough)
The hard bit - make sure you are relaxed yourself. Anticipating a problem with an animal is a sure fire way to get one. Big deep breaths for everyone.
Gradually increase their time together as you see results.
Frederick may come around within a few days or he may take a few months. Reward even the smallest signs of progress (tolerance) with petting, verbal praise tone of voice and play.
Finish every bit of interaction between them where they have got on (even from a distance, even with a screen door between them) on a good note. IE: stop the interaction whilst it's good.
Small steps are the best way with this sort of problem I've found.
....and mpls2, you could not be more wrong if you tried. The domestic cat is extremely prone to emotional/behavioural problems from traumatic events.
Best of luck tybeet, Frederick and Sophie!
posted by Arqa at 8:17 AM on June 18, 2009
You are the model owner knowing that it's time that is going to be a major factor in healing up this mosaic rift between Frederick and Sophie. How you manage that time is crucial. Frederick probably was very stimulated with fear and aggression when he saw/smelled the stray. Adrenaline kills reason, and he may well have momentarily mistaken Sophie for the intruder, hence his attacks on her. It could take a while to reverse his perception of this, but these things may help:
Set one room aside for Frederick and add some Feliway.
A private litter tray for him and a plenty of fresh water too. Make sure Sophie has plenty of the same.
Make him at least one bed/hidey hole in that room he can retreat to for some emotional recharge time away from everyone/everything.
Fix up a wide meshed screen door across the doorway. This will allow him to see/smell her from a safe place and also ensure her safety. Let him see you feeding, petting and playing with her through the door. You can feed them both within sight of each other. Frederick needs to be reminded of the normality prior to the trauma. The best way of doing this is to let him see you interacting with Sophie. He'll learn again that she isn't a threat.
Don't reassure him too much.
Acting bored, like embrangled so astutely mentioned above is a great way to reassure your animals that there isn't anything to be bothered about.
Plenty of scent swapping, pet Sophie, pet Frederick, don't wash your hands inbetween. Similarly, swap their bedding around between them
Get the scent of the stray out of your bathroom. A deep clean would be good.
When Frederick ceases hissing (fear) growling (aggression) then look to having both cats in a room together, under supervision. Both of you, one cat each to supervise.
Arm yourselves with plenty of distracting toys and treats.
Grooming both cats is a good way to increase their bond with you and distract them from each other. It will also relax you.
If Frederick acts as if he's about to launch an attack on Sophie, a treat thrown across his line of vision can distract him quickly (if he's not so food driven, this may not be enough)
The hard bit - make sure you are relaxed yourself. Anticipating a problem with an animal is a sure fire way to get one. Big deep breaths for everyone.
Gradually increase their time together as you see results.
Frederick may come around within a few days or he may take a few months. Reward even the smallest signs of progress (tolerance) with petting, verbal praise tone of voice and play.
Finish every bit of interaction between them where they have got on (even from a distance, even with a screen door between them) on a good note. IE: stop the interaction whilst it's good.
Small steps are the best way with this sort of problem I've found.
....and mpls2, you could not be more wrong if you tried. The domestic cat is extremely prone to emotional/behavioural problems from traumatic events.
Best of luck tybeet, Frederick and Sophie!
posted by Arqa at 8:17 AM on June 18, 2009
Or catnip. When I have stressed cats (trip to the vet, repairmen tramping around the house for a day) I clean the floors and then crumble dried catnip all over the place. They eat it all up, get stoned and freaky and then pass out - i.e. relax and forget about past stress event. When they wake up they're generally several degrees closer to their normal unstressed selves.
posted by Billegible at 8:25 AM on June 18, 2009
posted by Billegible at 8:25 AM on June 18, 2009
Go to your local health food store and buy "Rescue Remedy," one of the Bach Flower Essences. Put a few drops in Frederick's water for a few days. It will let hm get his head together and learn to deal with the new cat.
posted by Dolley at 10:42 AM on June 18, 2009
posted by Dolley at 10:42 AM on June 18, 2009
Go to your local health food store and buy "Rescue Remedy," one of the Bach Flower Essences.
A review of clinical trials of Bach flower remedies found no support for effects beyond a placebo. . . . Rather than being based on research using the scientific method, Bach's flower remedies were intuitively derived and based on his perceived psychic connections to the plants.
If spending money on a placebo makes you feel better, go for it.
I am having a very similar problem with my two cats currently (they spied an intruder cat in the yard yesterday and have been taking out their aggressive reactions on each other). The vet's advice has been to keep them separated by a closed door for 4-6 days and deploy a Feliway diffuser. About once a day, if possible, I'm supposed to swap cat locations so that they can live with each others' smells in the environment. Apparently it can take them several days to "get over" their aggressive reactions to the intruder.
posted by Orinda at 4:12 PM on June 18, 2009
A review of clinical trials of Bach flower remedies found no support for effects beyond a placebo. . . . Rather than being based on research using the scientific method, Bach's flower remedies were intuitively derived and based on his perceived psychic connections to the plants.
If spending money on a placebo makes you feel better, go for it.
I am having a very similar problem with my two cats currently (they spied an intruder cat in the yard yesterday and have been taking out their aggressive reactions on each other). The vet's advice has been to keep them separated by a closed door for 4-6 days and deploy a Feliway diffuser. About once a day, if possible, I'm supposed to swap cat locations so that they can live with each others' smells in the environment. Apparently it can take them several days to "get over" their aggressive reactions to the intruder.
posted by Orinda at 4:12 PM on June 18, 2009
My thought is to reintroduce Frederick and Sophie as if she was a new cat to your household, keeping their food and cat boxes separate and letting them spend just a few minutes at a time in the same room together, and gradually increasing their time together, etc.
Also, if you try catnip, the stuff sold for people is a lot more potent than the stale-ass shake they sell at the pet store. You can find it in stores with a good selection of medicinal herbs.
I've favorited this to read over later as we're hoping to adopt a kitten or two this week and we have our own 'fraidy cat at home. Good luck to you all.
posted by zinfandel at 8:07 PM on June 18, 2009
Also, if you try catnip, the stuff sold for people is a lot more potent than the stale-ass shake they sell at the pet store. You can find it in stores with a good selection of medicinal herbs.
I've favorited this to read over later as we're hoping to adopt a kitten or two this week and we have our own 'fraidy cat at home. Good luck to you all.
posted by zinfandel at 8:07 PM on June 18, 2009
Does your cat know any tricks? Does it play with string? If you can do something with your cat where you cat knows the rules and can be successful, that will help.
This is true for just about any mammal that can learn.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:06 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is true for just about any mammal that can learn.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:06 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
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posted by mpls2 at 6:05 AM on June 18, 2009 [10 favorites]