Not pregnant, but thanks for pointing out the belly fat.

June 17, 2009 11:52 AM

How do I get people to stop asking if I'm pregnant, or respond in a way that deters further inquiries? I've been married for a little over a year, I'm nearing 30, I carry my weight in my belly instead of my hips. I get it that people are curious, but it's none of their business.

I'm getting it a lot at work. Straight questions (e.g. whispered "Are you expecting?" in the lunch room) and "jokes" about the "dangers" of hiring women my age*. When it comes round to family reunion time, my partner's aunts all zero in on me. Hell, they add me on Facebook just so they can ask about the rumour they heard (or invented) that I'm pregnant.

*Because we'll get pregnant, not because we'll go back to school or leave for a job that will pay us more money or any of those reasons.

I sort of knew to expect this when I got married, but it's so rude! What if I was trying, and failing? What if I was pregnant and not telling anyone yet? What if I had miscarried? What if I was struggling with an eating disorder and the question triggered fears I was fat? What I didn't share the surprisingly-common view that my sex life is a topic of polite conversation?

How can I respond to this in an effective way? Give them hell? Give them the silent treatment? Go the Miss Manners route and say "Why do you want to know?" What works?

Or, how do I become less offended by this invasion of my privacy? It smacks of sexism, particularly because no one asks my husband and they never asked when we were cohabitating but not married, and the jokes at work are really straying into "we're going to be pissed if you ask for maternity leave" territory. I feel like if I complain I'm going to be cast as over-sensitive, but I'm getting sick of fielding this question.

posted by heatherann to human relations (90 comments total)

"Wow, that seems like a really rude question. I know you weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but you kind of did."
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:55 AM on June 17 [17 favorites has favorites]

Unfortunately, you can't control what other people do. What you CAN do, on a case by case basis, is carefully point out the extreme rudeness of their question so that at least that one person won't ask you (or anyone else) again (and hopefully they'll pass it along within their circle).

I'm with Dear Abby rather than Miss Manners--instead of stonily asking "Why do you want to know?", I'd go for an arch "I beg your pardon?" and a stunning silence.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:55 AM on June 17 [7 favorites has favorites]

I got that question a bit in my last relationship, folks would just assume that we were gonna get married and start having kids. My standard answer usually ended any discussion and hopefully reminded them of how freaking rude the question was. I always responded with "Well, the doctor says that I have to get off the heroin first..."
posted by teleri025 at 11:58 AM on June 17 [8 favorites has favorites]

"Nope. Are you?"
posted by scarykarrey at 11:59 AM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

Well, it is sexist, and rude, and presumptuous, and an invasion of your privacy, for all of the reasons you cite. You're not wrong about any of that, and you're not wrong to be offended, either. But yeah, you can't walk around a seething ball of resentment, either.

I think it depends on who it is and why they're asking. If it were me, I'd shut down any "waah you might take maternity" and "dangers of hiring women your age" pretty humorlessly. That shit ain't funny at all.

Relatives and other Nosy McNosypants, I'd give the quizzical WTF and say "No? Why on earth do you ask?" And then laugh it off or keep the steady WTF gaze, depending on how benign the inquiry. (My husband's grandmother gets latitude that his sister-in-law does not, for example.)
posted by desuetude at 12:01 PM on June 17

"I'm still a virgin" ought to shut them up.

Or for something more serious, "This isn't something I consider to be up for discussion. Thank you for your interest, though."
posted by zizzle at 12:02 PM on June 17

Well to the people talking about the dangers of hiring women in their 30s try something "Not nearly as dangerous as being sued for discrimination on the basis of gender and age." They'll catch on that you don't think it's funny.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:02 PM on June 17 [43 favorites has favorites]

As a general rule, I believe it is inappropriate to ask a woman whether she is pregnant unless (1) the only other option is that she is smuggling a watermelon under her shirt or (2) you can see a baby head on its way out. You are quite right to be offended. I am quite thin with a bit of a pooch, so I get the question occasionally, especially when I wear empire-waisted tops. I like peanut's suggestion, but saying "I beg your pardon?" doesn't exactly roll off my 23-year-old tongue, so I'd go with an equally arch "Excuse me?"

To make yourself look less preggers, I suggest spanx , avoiding empire waists, and wearing pants that sit an inch or so under your belly button.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:05 PM on June 17

"Not anymore..." *run off fake crying
posted by Pollomacho at 12:08 PM on June 17 [9 favorites has favorites]

There's really nothing you can do to control other peoples' behavior besides, well, losing weight. I don't understand everyone on here suggesting rude responses - the question isn't meant rudely, you fit the general profile of a pregnant woman (young, recently married, etc.) The bit about the 'dangers' of hiring younger women crosses some kind of line IMO but the other ones are meant in a congratulatory way.

Basically, if it bothers you that much, lose the weight because that's the only sure-fire way of stopping the comments.
posted by downing street memo at 12:10 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

The rude generally fall into two categories, depending upon the situation. The first, most sinister, knows they are being rude and are aware that it can put them at an advantage, since the polite are often unready to tell the rude that they are in violation of propriety. The second are merely unschooled ("ignorant" has many negative connotations).

It's difficult to stop someone from doing this to you, but you can help out the next person in your situation. A few choked back sobs, a gurgled out "I didn't think anyone would notice my miscarriage/tumor/conjoined twin," then a wipe of the eyes and a swift exit might sufficiently mortify the questioner such that the next person they might ask will be wearing a "Baby On Board" T-shirt.

Harsh medicine indeed, but it might be satisfying.
posted by adipocere at 12:10 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Two ways to go with this one. Method 1, shock->absurdity. They ask, you say "I am unable to have babies". Common sense would tell you that the asker will drop this line of questioning... nope. On the inevitable follow up "why, what happened" you move into the absurd. "Because I'm a man / My father had the genetic disability that the movie Benjamin Button was based on". They should get the point. (Not always).

Method 2: They ask, you say "[Name], why are you asking such personal questions?". They take the bait and say "I'm just curious", you say "Well next time you're bored maybe read a book instead of asking intrusive questions".

The snark in my hates to admit, neither method is satisfactory. I stick with "That's not nice" because it informs them that I perceive their comment as an intentional insult. Any followups get responded to with a sharp glance and a walkaway.
posted by syntheticfaith at 12:12 PM on June 17

How about shutting them down with brutal honesty?

"I'm overweight and I carry my weight in my belly instead of my hips."

I'd probably add a smug "You got a problem with that?"
posted by torquemaniac at 12:13 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Say, "I beg your pardon?" in the same tone you would use if they'd asked any other personal question... that shocked, I-can't-believe-you-said-that-you-must-be-so-embarrassed-of-yourself tone.

Repeat this as needed, so that it might go like this:
CluelessPerson: "So, when are you due?"
Heatherann: "I beg your pardon?"
CluelessPerson: "I said, when are you due?"
Heatherann: "I beg your pardon?"
posted by Houstonian at 12:22 PM on June 17

There's really nothing you can do to control other peoples' behavior besides, well, losing weight.

At which point, the same nosy clods will take it upon themselves to ask WHEN you're going to get pregnant.
posted by scody at 12:22 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

If they ask you 'Are you pregnant?' Respond with 'Why do you ask?' This immediately puts those who are asking on the back foot.
posted by Frasermoo at 12:25 PM on June 17 [11 favorites has favorites]

If someone asks you something like that you look them directly in the eye for an uncomfortable cold silent count of ten and then walk away. Believe me, they will not forget that. It is called "withering silence". Do it.
posted by naplesyellow at 12:28 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Responding with snark runs the risk of making them think you are being rude, but it has the benefit of a high probability that they will shut up and never mention it to you again. So I second everyone who's suggested a snarky response that will make the asker uncomfortable.

I have a friend with the same problem, and her standard reply is "No, I'm just fat." That usually gets them to shut up.
posted by Lobster Garden at 12:29 PM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

At which point, the same nosy clods will take it upon themselves to ask WHEN you're going to get pregnant.

Unless the OP wants to be pregnant and is unable to for whatever reason, then that question is merely annoying, not hurtful.
posted by downing street memo at 12:30 PM on June 17

I don't understand everyone on here suggesting rude responses...if it bothers you that much, lose the weight because that's the only sure-fire way of stopping the comments.

Because, as women, are bodies are considered to be public property, and we are constantly told that our bodies are not good enough if we're not a size 2 with our fat in all the "right" places. Being asked if you're pregnant when you're not is essentially having all of those negative messages directed at you personally. It's like saying, "Hey, have you gained weight? You look like you have." It is inappropriate to comment on the bodies of others. Her body is perfect as it is. The burden is not on HER to change her body so that people stop making totally out-of-line comments.

Check out The Belly Project for some diverse belly lovin'.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:31 PM on June 17 [55 favorites has favorites]

are=our. Oh homonyms, you get me every time.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:31 PM on June 17

Like said already, lose weight. What you're asking is how to cure the world of rude, ignorant people, which is nigh on impossible. The only one you have control over is yourself. Remove the impetus and people will stop asking.
posted by dozo at 12:34 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

downing street memo, just wanted to point something out - one can be normal weight and just happen to carry all their weight in their belly area. I'm one of those people - I have a really small frame but carry all my weight in the abdomen. When I weighed 98 pounds, people would ask when I was due. Now that I've, uh, filled out a bit (and gotten a bit older), I don't get this as much.

To the OP, I'm with the turn-it-back-to-them approach:

When are you due? I'm not, when are *you* due? Or, Due for what?
Are you expecting? No, are you?
Etc.

And yes, it is sexist, and rude, and presumptuous, and an invasion of your privacy - correct on all counts. In a workplace situation, you may have some rights about this if you really want to push it. In life, though - well, people just tend to be sexist, and rude, and presumptuous.

Sigh.
posted by chez shoes at 12:35 PM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

There's really nothing you can do to control other peoples' behavior besides, well, losing weight.

I think it's much easier to tell rude people to shut the fuck up rather than to change your lifestyle because there are rude people in the world.

YMMV.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:36 PM on June 17 [28 favorites has favorites]

I am a fat woman in general, who also carries her weight disproportionately in her stomach. I get asked if I'm pregnant a lot. Sometimes this is accompanied with a stomach poke by people who were raised by wolves.

Much like Lobster Garden's friend, I usually respond with an obnoxiously cheerful, "Not pregnant, just fat!"*

This tends to set most people back and they flail around trying to respond with something remotely appropriate. However, there is nothing that fits the bill, and so they just end up looking stupid.

*I must have looked especially fat a few weeks ago because I got that question four times in one weekend, I was going to print out a bunch of stickers to wear on my shirt that said NOT PREGNANT, JUST FAT.
posted by crankylex at 12:38 PM on June 17 [9 favorites has favorites]

There's really nothing you can do to control other peoples' behavior besides, well, losing weight. I don't understand everyone on here suggesting rude responses - the question isn't meant rudely, you fit the general profile of a pregnant woman

So what? it's no one's business until the woman announces it. As mentioned above, people commonly keep it private for the first few months anyway. It's up to an expectant mother to tell people she's expecting, not up to others to try to discern it by staring at her abdomen, the size of her breasts, or other parts of her body. Anyway the embryo is as little as your fingertip the first couple months - not necessarily a huge impact externally, and plenty of non-pregnant women have a rounded tummy. (It used to be pretty standard to see in art - only contemporary expectations of flat bellies make people think they're "fat" for having to fit a uterus, even empty, in there.)

The work stuff sounds really troubling, and should not have to put up with that. If you have an HR dept you can talk to or something, it might be worth it. As for personal comments, I'd try to just sort of shake my head and laugh it off, remind them that I'd tell them when/if there's news to be shared and that they should be able to find better topics of discussion than my anatomy.
posted by mdn at 12:39 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm fat in a way that, depending on what I'm wearing and how I'm standing, can be mistaken for pregnancy, so I get this question every once in awhile. I just smile and answer with uncompromising cheer, "Oh, I'm not pregnant! I'm fat!"

This only works with direct questions, and if you're fat, and if you are capable of being uncompromisingly cheerful about it. But the responses tend to be stammering and embarrassed, which is kind of what I'm going for, because my body is not an object available for public comment. It's mine, and I love it, and it's nobody else's business.
posted by jennyb at 12:40 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

"No, I"m not pregnant. Are you brain-damaged, because you're sure acting like it."
posted by notsnot at 12:40 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't understand everyone on here suggesting rude responses - the question isn't meant rudely, you fit the general profile of a pregnant woman (young, recently married, etc.) The bit about the 'dangers' of hiring younger women crosses some kind of line IMO but the other ones are meant in a congratulatory way.

The recently-married men don't seem to get such questions based on their "profile." She gave a whole bunch of good examples as to why this question is intrusive.

Also, I don't know many people who'd consider "because I'm nosy and it makes good gossip" to be functionally equivalent to "congratulations." How does that work -- you think that these folks are asking about all of the possible good things that she could announce so that they can jump in with the congrats?
posted by desuetude at 12:41 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Ha, should have previewed! Crankylex and I are apparently taking the same "Deflecting Unwanted Commentary about Our Bodies" courses.
posted by jennyb at 12:42 PM on June 17

Because, as women, are bodies are considered to be public property, and we are constantly told that our bodies are not good enough if we're not a size 2 with our fat in all the "right" places. Being asked if you're pregnant when you're not is essentially having all of those negative messages directed at you personally. It's like saying, "Hey, have you gained weight? You look like you have." It is inappropriate to comment on the bodies of others. Her body is perfect as it is. The burden is not on HER to change her body so that people stop making totally out-of-line comments.

It has nothing to do with being a woman. I'd give the same advice to a man getting comments about their weight. There is exactly one thing within the OP's control - not her coworkers or the comments she receives, but her own weight, and if the situation bothers her that much she should do the only thing she can to end the comments.

Fat acceptance is a fine and perfectly valid viewpoint - but the OP clearly is not happy with her body as the comments have bothered her enough to post on the internet about them.
posted by downing street memo at 12:43 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

She's not unhappy with her body. She's unhappy with the unsolicited comments people are making about her body.
posted by jennyb at 12:48 PM on June 17 [22 favorites has favorites]

Q: Are you pregnant?
A: Fuck off.
posted by The Michael The at 12:50 PM on June 17

I mean, is your advice to a tall person who wants to know how to respond to people asking if she plays basketball to just lose some height?
posted by jennyb at 12:51 PM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

The recently-married men don't seem to get such questions based on their "profile."

Really? Every newlywed man I know gets all kinds of locker-room comments about when they're going to "get started". No one bothers to be offended by them because, well, that's what newlywed couples often (or traditionally) do.

I'm not contesting the impropriety of the comments, even the well-intentioned ones. My point is that the belief that the OP is pregnant seems to be widespread enough that she can either tell everyone in her life to "shut the fuck up", or she can take some steps to lose some weight.
posted by downing street memo at 12:51 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Jennyb for the win.

I had a friend who dealt with this simply: "That's really none of your business, is it?"

Nobody ever asked twice.
posted by yellowcandy at 12:53 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Men getting comments about their weight would not be in the same light.

As someone is 5'6",155, I have gotten my fair share of "Are you pregnant?" comments based on what I was wearing (if it made my belly look big). I seriously once had a customer when I was a waitress who insisted that I was pregnant. Several times. He thought he was being nice.

The questions she is being asked are not just about weight, but about her sex and sex life. It is rude and invasive. People don't go around asking men "Is your wife pregnant yet?" when they gain a little weight.

It has EVERYTHING to do with her being a woman and the way women's bodies are viewed as public property and open to commentary not used with men. It's as if there could possibly be no other reason for her to have a belly than that she is pregnant. That is rude. It places all sorts of weird expectations on her, especially in light of her recent marriage.

She should not have to change anything about the way she looks.
posted by sio42 at 12:54 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I mean, is your advice to a tall person who wants to know how to respond to people asking if she plays basketball to just lose some height?

One's height is not within one's control. One's weight (or more accurately fat %) almost always is.
posted by downing street memo at 12:55 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

she can take some steps to lose some weight.

It's not about the weight.
posted by scody at 12:56 PM on June 17 [13 favorites has favorites]

It has nothing to do with being a woman. I'd give the same advice to a man getting comments about their weight.

What about random comments in front of co-workers about the perceived size of a male co-worker's penis? Because the comments aren't commentary on whether she's fat, they're addressing assumptions about her sex life.
posted by desuetude at 12:56 PM on June 17

The "duh, lose the weight" comments aren't helpful at all. Some of us are just built that way, regardless of how much weight we're carrying around. I've had a belly since childhood, and I was a normal-sized kid.

Anyway. It's probably a good idea to respond with either "Why do you ask?" or "That's a very personal question." Use either as necessary, and there shouldn't be any need for you to go into details.

(If you really want to be shut them up, you could say "The only thing I'm expecting is an apology." Or, a faux-embarrassed, whispered "I have worms.")
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:57 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

She's not unhappy with her body. She's unhappy with the unsolicited comments people are making about her body.

This.

Downing street memo, while I understand what you're trying to say, the onus is not on her to change her body, when there's nothing wrong with it. The onus is on the jerks that are making inappropriate comments to her to, well, stop being jerks, since there IS something wrong with what they're doing.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:58 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think it's much easier to tell rude people to shut the fuck up

EPIC FAIL.

than to change your lifestyle because there are rude people in the world.

It's rude to ask someone if they are pregnant? I've seen the discussion a good few times and it's usually a happy, polite, mundane thing to drop into conversation with someone who is visibly pregnant.

If you look like you're pregnant people will ask if you're pregnant, with the best of intentions. Losing the weight would solve the problem.
posted by fire&wings at 12:59 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Downing street memo, can you shut the fuck up? This has nothing to do with weight, she mentions it once as an explanation, is not asking for advice about it, and honestly--doesn't seem that put out that she doesn't have a flat stomach! Rather, she lists several examples of why this behavior is inappropriate, and what to do about the behavior. This isn't the same as "I have trouble breathing walking up stairs" or "I can't really walk around anymore, what should I do". She could be under weight, for all you know!

This is basically as bad as "tits or gtfo" in relationship advice threads.

You wouldn't understand this, because you are a man (and apparently a pretty oblivious one at that), but if you have even the slightest bit of belly sticking out, whether it's fat, or you have a weird posture, or you picked a bad shirt that day and have a 12-pack, or even if you have a boyfriend and are between the ages of 12-40, people ask if you are pregnant. It's a rude and stupid assumption, and there is nothing wrong with being rude back, especially if its a bunch of repeat customers asking you all the damn time if you are pregnant yet!

Normally, I just say "of course i'm fucking pregnant!" as that tends to shut everyone up, but I don't think this would work that well in a work situation. Try adding a "not" in there? I don't think this question can be shot down without being rude, which is ok, as you've been put in a special situation.
posted by shownomercy at 12:59 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Also, just noting that for most of the time I've had belly and have gotten pregnant comments, I've been clinically underweight. Losing weight would have put me at an even more dangerous weight. I'm sure that's the case for many other people in my situation. We don't have enough information to know whether the OP can lose weight and still be healthy.
posted by emilyd22222 at 1:01 PM on June 17

If the people being jerks and asking questions inappropriately are never challenged for doing such, then they'll never realize that asking a woman if she's pregnant is a jerky thing to do. Losing weight may resolve the OP's issue of being asked if she's pregnant, but it won't get at the root of the problem, which is that people need to learn that questions like that are a problem.
posted by scarykarrey at 1:01 PM on June 17

Losing the weight would solve the problem.

It's STILL not about the weight. Plenty of women carry weight in their bellies. Hell, I'm underweight by BMI standards, and I have a little pooch that occasionally prompts the "are you preggers?" question. (To which I always reply, "oh, thank god, no, but my boyfriend and I are working hard to figure out a way to knock him up.")
posted by scody at 1:04 PM on June 17

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all response here: you're going to want to treat coworkers differently from family.

Direct coworker whispering "Are you expecting?": Pause, look them in the eye silent for a slooow count to five (painful for you, MUCH more painful for them), then say, "Excuse me?" as if you think you must have heard them wrong. If they keep pressing, keep doing the looong pause and question back, "Why do you ask?" etc.

Indirect coworkers joking about not hiring women of certain age: Play dumb and ask them to explain the joke to you. "What do you mean?" "Why wouldn't you hire a woman of a certain age?" Keep pressing, confused but friendly, until they're forced to spell out, "because women get pregnant and, um, I mean..." Optional: follow up with a pause and quiet "wow" plus a walk away after they've explained.

Relatives: Depends on how forward they are. Why are you accepting their friend invitations on Facebook, if you're convinced that they are only stalking your uterus? Unfriend immediately. (If they ask, say something about how you open your profile to very close friends, because you have old-fashioned values about letting it all hang out online.) Unfortunately relatives are much more likely to think it's somehow their right to know about your pregnancy status or hassle you about it, so I think you really need to enlist your husband here to tell them to back off because they're being rude. His relatives=his responsibility.

The friendlier someone is being towards you when they ask (like a coworker whispering a question instead of inappropriate jokes or outright rude questions), the more they're likely to feel ashamed if you go silent and hold eye contact just a little too long before giving a short answer or question like "why do you ask?". If the question delivery is more inappropriate--point-blank, or grabbing your belly (OMG, crankylex--I'd be sorely tempted to "accidently" lose my balance and step on their foot, *hard*)--you should feel more free to be a bit rude back, like saying directly "that's a pretty rude question, do you ask everyone about their sex life?"
posted by iminurmefi at 1:04 PM on June 17

It can be hard to protect your privacy when it comes to family planning. Anytime you remind someone that they are being rude or potentially prejudiced, they are going to be offended or pretend to be. It is awkward!

When it comes to my professional life, I tell everyone I'm not planning of having kids. Whether that remains true or not is actually none of anyone's business! If you make it known that you are not planning on having children, maybe they will stop asking?
posted by Gor-ella at 1:06 PM on June 17

Tell them you're infertile. If you ever have kids, they can be "miracle babies."
posted by anniecat at 1:08 PM on June 17

Is punching their nose an option?
posted by poppo at 1:16 PM on June 17

I only skimmed the above comments, so if this was already addressed, my apologies.

Is there any chance your wardrobe is contributing to this issue? I see so many women wearing tops and dresses that have a waistline just below the breasts rather than, y'know... at the waist. For example: the middle dress (top pic) makes her look like she's pregnant.

This whole sky-high waistline for women is a bad fashion trend.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:18 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

I'm not a woman, but I have some large scars on my abdomen from a previous set of surgeries, and truthfully I would rather people ask me directly what happened rather than gossip amongst themselves about its origins. Regardless of whether or not I feel like talking about it, I don't blame people for asking because really, it's hard not to notice.

I also think that answering rudely will encourage people to whisper more mean things about you behind your back, but responding nicely will embarrass your inquirer and cause him to be more mindful in the future.

I'd go with a curt, "No, and I don't really want to talk about it."
posted by gushn at 1:20 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

We used to get this a lot from the "you're married, you must generate progeny ASAP" crowd. My response is the honest one - we can't have kids. Shuts them the hell up.

Are they insensitive? Yes. Do you have to be an ass about it? No. Guaranteed, they never ask me again. One vote for disarming in their face honesty. Perhaps you can kill their curiosity dead by giving them daily updates since they are so interested?
posted by arcticseal at 1:28 PM on June 17

It's rude to ask someone if they are pregnant? I've seen the discussion a good few times and it's usually a happy, polite, mundane thing to drop into conversation with someone who is visibly pregnant.

Yes, it is. Unless that person has made it common knowledge. You've seen the discussions that were permitted to occur, rather than the discussions that got shut down.

If you look like you're pregnant people will ask if you're pregnant, with the best of intentions. Losing the weight would solve the problem.

A whole bunch of women are trying very hard to point out that unless you've got the abs of a pro athlete, the slightest bit of softness around the belly is taken to be fair game for the "are you pregnant oh really no well when do you think you will be?" line of questioning.
posted by desuetude at 1:33 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Ugh. I flagged every one of downing street memo's comments, and in my years on this site, I don't think I've ever really flagged anything. That's how irritating, noisy, and unhelpful I found them to be.

OP, the comments made at work are probably prime for sexual harassment suits. The tone of your workplace is something we don't know much about, but a subtle hinting at the potential illegality of those sorts of comments might go a long way towards shutting people up. It's a rude question, whether it's from family, friends, or co-workers, and you're within your rights to respond in any way you see fit. Personally, I'd go with a shocked/offended "Excuse me?" but that might not work as well with the nosy in-laws.
posted by booknerd at 1:39 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's rude to ask someone if they are pregnant?

Why, yes, it is.
posted by redfoxtail at 1:43 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

OP here. Downing street memo, it's NOT the weight. I'm not overweight, I'm in the average BMI range. I just don't have a flat stomach. I don't have a flat stomach when I'm the right weight or when I'm under-weight, when I have strong abs or when I don't, when I'm depressed and hardly eating, or happy and eating well. I just am not built that way. So when my pregnant friends are barely barely showing, I think "Huh. That's how my belly has always looked." So sorry I'm not Photoshopped. Can we move on?
posted by heatherann at 1:49 PM on June 17 [22 favorites has favorites]

There's a certain level of this in the thread already, but it's worth repeating, to drown out those who don't seem to realize:

Yes, it is rude that people are asking this. Yes, it would be better if they didn't say anything. But here's the thing: They don't realize as much, and they mean you no malice.

I know, I know, it sucks a lot to have to keep hearing this, and to display grace in your answers, but don't allow this to justify lashing out at people. Really. You're not going to teach them a lesson, you're not going to stop it from happening, you're just going to come off as prickly. If these are co-workers or social acquaintances, that's going to make the situation more unpleasant, not less.

That said, if it's strangers in the street, you're still not making the world a better place by snapping at them, but I could turn a blind eye. Thing is though, it probably won't make you feel any better. Just deflect and move on.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:53 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

OP again... and even if I was overweight, I should still be allowed to a) wear empire waists, and b) exist, all without having people inquire about my sex life as if it's their business.
posted by heatherann at 1:53 PM on June 17 [16 favorites has favorites]

My usual response when asked whether I'm pregnant (doesn't happen so much anymore) is "Goodness me, no! That would be a violation of my parole."
posted by vickyverky at 2:04 PM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

So, heatherann is not fat. She just has a belly. The direct, non-rude response would be, "No, I just have a belly." In spite of the fact that the questioners are rude, a non-rude response will probably be better for the entire workplace environment.

As for the Aunties, with their prying questions, a good response would be, "Why do you ask? Wow!"
posted by Midnight Skulker at 2:19 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's rude to ask someone if they are pregnant? I've seen the discussion a good few times and it's usually a happy, polite, mundane thing to drop into conversation with someone who is visibly pregnant.

Wow. I cannot begin to explain how inappropriate it is to ask this.

Please define for our greater understanding what "visibly pregnant" means.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:25 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Quote Dave Barry: 'You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.'
posted by spamguy at 2:27 PM on June 17 [16 favorites has favorites]

I'm flabbergasted by the frequent "so, just lose weight" suggestions above. That wasn't the question, and a woman shouldn't have to keep herself in supermodel physique mode just to avoid embarrassing questions. Because asking whether or not one is pregnant is an extremely personal, probing and rude question. Many years ago, when I was still quite svelte, I happened to be wearing a loose-fitting jumper with an empire waist. A man in our office building whom I passed in the hallway (and whom I barely recognized) actually stopped, poked me in the part of the dress that pooched outward and said, "No wonder I haven't seen you out walking lately" while giving me a "knowing" smile. (I used to go out every day at lunch and walk laps around the building.) I would never dream of poking a man with a protruding stomach and ask him, say, "how many six-packs do you down a day?" I've also had people say to me "Have you ever considered getting contact lenses? You'd be so much prettier without glasses." I'll never understand why some people feel compelled to critique the appearance of others.

I'm in the camp that favors replying to "are you pregnant?"-type questions with a very pointed "Why in the world would you ask me something like that?" Maybe it's curt and abrupt, but it also might prevent them from ever asking that question again.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:40 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

In most cases, people mean well. It's most effective to assume the best and respond in kind: "I'm sorry, I'd really rather not discuss that." And who knows, after gently being redirected, you may find that they're truly wonderful people who will respect you and what you do and do not wish to discuss.
posted by SemiSophos at 2:51 PM on June 17

From someone who really can't get pregnant, do not tell people you can't get pregnant. It's a whole 'nother can of worms.
posted by desjardins at 3:22 PM on June 17

Wear a t-shirt like this one or this one.
posted by iviken at 3:24 PM on June 17

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Don't be disgusting."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Only with ideas."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Not for long."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Only if I can have Snickers' babies."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "No, I need the lobotomy first."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "I'm surrounded by children at work, why would I want one at home?"

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "I'm not, but my husband might be."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "No, they have pills you can take for that these days."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "No, I have a stomach tumor."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "We decided we're not boring enough yet."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Have you got Tourettes or something?"

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "No, I couldn't quit drinking that long."

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: (loudly) "No, but how are your hemorrhoids doing?"

Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: "Your mother convinced me it was a bad idea."


Q: "Are you pregnant?"
A: (point to belly) "The only parasite in here is a tapeworm."
posted by SassHat at 4:44 PM on June 17 [10 favorites has favorites]

One of the first times in my life when I actually cried in public was when I first went out after having a full abdominal hysterectomy (wearing a loose shirt because of the staples and bandage) and a complete stranger asked me if I was pregnant. I answered honestly, "No, I just had surgery, and now I can't have any more children..." and burst into tears.

That's just one example of how hurtful those "well-intentioned" comments can be.

It is NOT okay to ask someone if she is pregnant. Don't you think that if someone is expecting and happy about it, she'll make it known herself?

I agree with the above users that suggest turning the question back on the one posing it, "Why in the world would you ask?!" or, "That's extremely personal. I don't care to discuss it."

I respect those who have the will to make the jokey answers, but if at some point you could, and would like to have children, you may regret comments like that parasite one above.
posted by misha at 5:23 PM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

It has nothing to do with being a woman. I'd give the same advice to a man getting comments about their weight.

downing street memo, men rarely get asked if they are pregnant, and rarely it is assumed that a man with a large belly will be taking maternity leave. If you don't think that comments about pregnancy have something to do with gender, you really missed a memo somewhere.

To the OP: You shouldn't have to do this, and it is unfortunate I have to mention it, but since it seems there may be a rumor in the office about you asking for maternity leave you should make sure your boss knows that you plan on being available for any big projects/promotions that might come up.
posted by yohko at 5:47 PM on June 17

Option one: "Yes! Me and my husband FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and FUCK and then here you go! Hey, do you want to ask me any more questions?"

Option two: "I have the baby Jesus inside me. God has chosen me."

Option three: What Sidhedevil said.
posted by eccnineten at 6:19 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

another one: "Yes, and YOU'RE my baby daddy!"
posted by eccnineten at 6:20 PM on June 17

I would register the isheatherannpregnant.com domain, put a big "NO" on the page, and tell them to direct all further inquiries there. And don't forget to check back often. You could even make up some business cards.

If it makes you feel better, I am a mid 30's male married 2 years that is constantly asked if my wife is pregnant yet, and the ensuing questions. This happens at least twice a week, so I feel for you.
posted by Yorrick at 6:42 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

What if I was trying, and failing? What if I was pregnant and not telling anyone yet? What if I had miscarried? What if I was struggling with an eating disorder and the question triggered fears I was fat? What I didn't share the surprisingly-common view that my sex life is a topic of polite conversation?

Well, do any of these things apply to you? If not, then why are you worrying about them?

To me, the issue here is that the world is bit fucked up sometime and you just gotta roll with'em when that happens. I'm not saying you're wrong in your feelings on this or that you should have to put up with them. Believe me I can feel your pain, I get bent out of shape if I bring lunch to work and everyone who passes by wants to know what I'm eating. It's not of your fucking business, leave me the fuck alone, can't you see I'm trying to eat, not hold a goddamn conversation?!

Ahem. Anyway.

My point is that people are just being social and wanting to share in your good fortune. Babies are sign of love, growth, new life, the species surviving, the mysteries and wonder of life, blah blah blah, all good things so people want to feel part of that. This doesn't make what they're doing right or excuse it, but maybe looking at in this light, where people are just trying to be positive and cheerful might seem better to you. They're doing this to poke fun or mock you. It's coming from a good source, just in a really awkward way.

You can go on and continue getting angry about this, but that isn't going make you feel good, you'll just be angry and then making others angry by snapping at them or getting smart with them. A better route would be to understand where they're coming from, accept that it's essentially a good place and then metaphorically pat them on the head and send them on the their way with a simple "Nope." If they push the issue, just look'em in the eyes and say, without anger or hostility "Look, it's just the way I'm built no big deal. Have you seen any good movies lately?" That last part is to signal that you're not interested in talking about this subject, but that you're also not angry with them and you're perfectly willing to talk about other things, but not that.

Make a choice to be happy and don't let the bastards get ya down. You can bring feminism and sexism into if you want, but will it really make you feel better?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:47 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Please define for our greater understanding what "visibly pregnant" means.

I met a very skinny woman the other day whose belly extended at least a foot and a half in front of her, and resembled what I imagine a person's belly would look like if it contained a fully-inflated basketball.

Barring some monstrous, News of the Weird-sized tumor, she was visibly pregnant.
posted by jayder at 7:48 PM on June 17

I met a very skinny woman the other day whose belly extended at least a foot and a half in front of her, and resembled what I imagine a person's belly would look like if it contained a fully-inflated basketball.

Well, that is "visibly pregnant." A wee bit of a pooch, notsomuch, yes?

A better route would be to understand where they're coming from, accept that it's essentially a good place and then metaphorically pat them on the head and send them on the their way with a simple "Nope."

BB, that's awesomely zen, but institutionalized sexism is really fucking annoying, even if my aunt doesn't mean any harm, yeah?
posted by desuetude at 10:00 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

but institutionalized sexism is really fucking annoying, even if my aunt doesn't mean any harm, yeah?

Sexism isn't the issue, it's the fact that she's being annoyed people acting stupid. Since humanity has an infinite supply of acting stupid, she's going to be continually annoyed by this, if she chooses to let it to continue bother.

Brining sexism into it and fretting about how sexist it all is may be technically correct but doesn't do anything to solve the issue or make the original poster less bothered by all of this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:07 AM on June 18

Bringing sexism into it and fretting about how sexist it all is may be technically correct but doesn't do anything to solve the issue or make the original poster less bothered by all of this.

BB, I've been mulling over your comments. On one hand, I have you mentally flagged as someone who generally has good advice in AskMe. On the other hand, I'm finding this advice hard to take.

I think you're right and wrong at the same time.

a) They're generally not trying to "be social and share in [my] good fortune". My husband's aunts never see us, barely know us, and are just being nosey. The "jokes" at work are certainly not seeing potential pregnancies as "good fortune". And even if they are innocently trying to ferret out my happy secret... it's MY secret. Which doesn't actually exist at the moment. But if it did, I would have good reason for not making it public. Miscarriages happen a lot! So trying to circumvent the "wait three months until you make it public" tradition is not only rude, it risks making heartbreak public, rather than good fortune. The question basically says, "You might be trying to protect yourself from having a public miscarriage, but I'm here to take that protection away because I'd rather know NOW."

b) I think recognising the sexism and ageism in it does help me. It helps me realise why this "innocent" question bothers me so much. It's because, as a woman, if I don't have that Photoshopped stomach, people feel free to comment on that. It's because now that I'm a married woman in a certain age bracket, people think my sex life and fertility choices are their business. And that institutionalized nosiness and rudeness hurts. So it does help to realise that I'm not just being bitchy. They're being rude.

c) With all that in mind, I think that you and some other posters have a point that people are generally not going to change and they are generally rude and it doesn't help me to get all up in arms about it all the time. So while keeping it in mind that I'm not insane, it is rude, I also have to figure out how to let it go because I'm not gonna change the world.
posted by heatherann at 5:45 AM on June 18 [6 favorites has favorites]

Heatherann, I've been mulling over the responses that inspired point c. I really do think that it is important to call people out when they say something rude; otherwise, they may not realize it's rude and continue to do the same thing to other people. For example, I would never have known that some women are uncomfortable being called "ladies" if a friend of mine hadn't called me out on it, and I would still be pissing people off by saying that to this day. While snark may not always be the most socially appropriate response, a response that lets them know it's inappropriate to say things like that, backed up with rational arguments (well-outlined here, I think), may nip their behavior in the bud and save them further embarrassment and alienation. At my job, this is encouraged and called "ouch and educate." While some may say that your discomfort is uniquw you (although you now know that many others share your opinion), it's still important for people to know that things they say can be interpreted as rude so they can make an educated decision about whether to continue doing what they're doing.
posted by emilyd22222 at 6:00 AM on June 18

Rude, maybe. Stupid, yes.

While my instincts, as a man, would be to say, "Congrats on being pregnant", instead logic would take over because, well, she may be abdominally fat.

I agree, rude responses are not the way to go. Just tell them you've got a fat belly. That would be mortifying for me to hear.
posted by teg4rvn at 6:09 AM on June 18

I think recognising the sexism and ageism in it does help me.

Then I apologize for implying it's a minor. Your viewpoints, or anyone else's, don't need to belittled, ignored or slighted.

Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:43 AM on June 18

"I know you're just making conversation, but that's a rude, personal question to ask for a number of reasons. I think you'd better mind your own business. Sorry."
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:34 AM on June 18

Who does this? I wait paitently for obviously pregnant ladies to let me know their having a baby before saying anything.

I'd just reply, "Are you calling me fat?" It points out how the asker is being a jerk ass. It's also not really a rude reply on your part. At work, I'd complain to your HR department. That shit is actionable I'm pretty sure.
posted by chunking express at 11:19 AM on June 18

I too have belly fat but am otherwise tall and slender. The first time someone implied I was pregnant, I laughed in her face because I was so shocked. The second time someone asked when I was due, I replied with a smiling "no, I'm just fat." That person was mortified. Now I like to say some future date like 2015.

These were just casual inquiries from strangers. At work, these questions are harassment. I would inform them first that the implications are rude. If it kept up I would definitely go to HR and tell them your concerns. Once again, Good Luck!
posted by CoralAmber at 2:21 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

My own experience with not being rude - and I have gone so far as to make eye-contact, smile and shake my head while saying 'I'm not pregnant' - is that one or two people have reacted to news of their mistake with further rudeness. If you don't get that this is a rude thing to ask, then perhaps you also won't know that the correct answer on being told someone you have just assumed is pregnant is not is 'Oh I'm sorry,' then you should change the subject. Not 'Oh. OH. Well I just thought you were because you had your hand on your stomach.'

So in the future I will be trying to take all the Cold Hard Stare advice above. heatherann, I don't know if it will help you to know this but it seemed for me that I was fair game for these questions for about 6 months after getting married and then after that it settled down. Before now I have told people that ask that I object to their asking the question about when I plan to have children because they have invested nothing in the conversation except a throwaway question and yet they seem to think they have a right to an answer drawing on my sex life, my available funds, my housing status, the health of my relationship and of my ovaries. I did, in truth, come across as a bit grumpy while giving this speech, but the question used to really really bother me. I'm also not that keen on being told what a great mother I'd make by men as if this is a wonderful compliment they're giving me.
posted by calico at 3:19 PM on June 18

Should clarify: that is not to say that being told that one is or would be a great mother can never be a compliment. It is just in the context of the sorts of conversation that we're talking about here that it is particularly irksome as it implies that the decision to start a family is just a simple question of aptitude. Nor should I have said 'by men' specifically. Actually it's annoying from men, women, small children and talking pets. Sorry if I am overthinking this!
posted by calico at 3:52 PM on June 18

calico: Dying down after 6 months, I wish! I've been married for 16 months now and it started from day 1.

Me: "Hey, I got married!"
Coworker: "Are you pregnant??"
Me: "Um, no. No! What??"
Coworker: "Oh. Why did you get married then?"
Me: "You really thought I would get married because I got knocked up? OMG."
posted by heatherann at 6:49 PM on June 18

Q: Are you pregnant?

You: (with a laugh) Nope! But I'm so glad you brought up the subject because I've been DYING to ask you about your sex life but didn't want to intrude!
posted by witchstone at 12:06 PM on June 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

Coworker: "Oh. Why did you get married then?"

Wait, what? WHAT? I wasn't even going to comment in this thread, because people have generally said everything that I would have said (and I will chime in with another vote against anybody telling you to lose weight -- so completely missing the point). But... seriously? People don't understand why you got married if you weren't knocked up? Is this for real? You're nearing 30, not 20. I'm pretty anti-marriage, and even I recognize that at this age, people are pairing up in droves. God, I would have slapped her. Never tell acquaintances you got married. Obviously they can't handle any kind of personal information at all.
posted by timory at 6:13 AM on June 20