Moved too fast, how to slow it down?

June 16, 2009 7:06 AM

We met on eHarmony but live long distance from each other. After a few weeks of great emails and phone calls, we travelled to the same city to meet in person, had a wonderful time and had sex.

I was overwhelmed with what had happened, am not used to sex without commitment, and when I got home got carried away and emailed him to say I had decided to stop communicating with other men on eHarmony. He emailed back to say he appreciated that and that he had a wonderful time with me but he didn't say he would stop communicating with other women. And yes, I do think it's far, far too soon to expect that.

Now in the light of day, I feel like I have moved too fast and would like to take back what I said about not communicating with other men, mostly because I feel like it would be better for my emotional stability not to put all my eggs in one basket quite yet, and because I also find some of my other matches interesting. Can I do this and if so what should I say to him? We are supposed to meet again in about 3 weeks.

I anticipate a pile-on telling me that I only said I would stop communicating with others in the hope that he would say the same and that I was playing games. I swear at the time I didn't consciously see it that way but in retrospect it may be partially true. I would very much prefer answers that didn't castigate me for what I have already done but that helped me move in a positive direction in the future given that I have obviously made a mistake. Thank you.

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

I anticipate a pile-on telling me that I only said I would stop communicating with others in the hope that he would say the same and that I was playing games.

I doubt it; it's clear that you were just a little overwhelmed. If I were you, I wouldn't even mention anything - you can keep seeing or talking to other men without being "unfaithful" - it's not as if this guy committed to you - but just make sure that if you decide to also sleep with someone else that you're upfront and honest with all involved parties.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:12 AM on June 16

What I'd say if I were in your shoes:

"...Okay, I've been doing some thinking about what I said about communicating with other guys; I've realized I maybe got a little carried away, and you're being a lot smarter about this and you're taking the right approach after all. So you're right -- let's just keep things light and see what happens, and I'm sorry if I alarmed you; I just got a little carried away for a while."

You aren't necessarily saying you are or aren't going to be communicating with other guys, and to be honest it's none of his business anyway right now. But you are letting him know that you've come back down to the same page he's on.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:16 AM on June 16 [21 favorites has favorites]

I feel like I have moved too fast and would like to take back what I said about not communicating with other men, mostly because I feel like it would be better for my emotional stability not to put all my eggs in one basket quite yet, and because I also find some of my other matches interesting. Can I do this and if so what should I say to him?

How about telling him: "I feel like I have moved too fast and would like to take back what I said about not communicating with other men... I feel like it would be better for my emotional stability not to put all my eggs in one basket quite yet."
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:16 AM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You said you'd stop talking to the other guys showing a level of commitment. He did not reciprocate that level of commitment. Now to say "Ok, I changed my mind, I'm going to talk to other guys after all" may come off as petty if you tell him that.

It's 3 weeks. I'd say do what you said you'd do and for 3 weeks don't talk to the other guys. Give this relationship a chance to see if it can or can't (or if he will or won't) be exclusive. And after the next meeting, if he doesn't, then I say you can then tell him "Hey, I'm having a good time, would/would not like to see you again, but I am talking to other guys". Because the time will have passed it will come off more thoughtful, etc.
posted by arniec at 7:18 AM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

"Can I do this ..." Yes. It is physically possible for you to do this. He is communicating with others, so in terms of a balance between the two of you, this is also acceptable. The only hitch you might actually have is" taking it back," and I think that would be addressed in ...

"... what should I say to him?" Be honest. Were you lonely? Were you carried away in a wash of hormones? Was it a fantastic night? Did you enjoy the validation of attention? Whatever your reasons, state them.

"I don't usually hop into bed with someone, but I [reason]. I also got a little carried away when I said I was going to stop communicating with other guys. In retrospect I may have been playing games a little bit, but it is also true that I tend not to have sex without commitment. I'm not really ready to do that just yet, so I want to talk to some other men on eHarmony, just as you're talking to other women."

Of course, you'll have to back that up: if you have sex with him again, realize that you're teasing yourself emotionally by signaling to both yourself and him that you're committing. If you are hungry for his touch but are not ready to commit, be upfront with him and yourself in saying that you're having a good time that night with someone you like and who is familiar with your body, and not much more.
posted by adipocere at 7:18 AM on June 16

I like EmpressCallipygos's phrasing if you NEED to withdraw this, but if this were me, I'd say/do nothing as long as what you said is true, and expect nothing from the other person.

That is, if you decided all on your own to stop contacting other guys, that's fine and valid and good, and you told the truth and told him that. It shouldn't need to be reciprocal, so to me, things only gets bad if you now expect him to do the same.

So don't withdraw what you said until and unless you mean it: if you decide to start contacting other men again in the future, THEN tell him that the situation has changed. But if you're really not doing so, don't "correct" what you said. It's still true, he's under no obligation to do the same, and twisting it up by modifying/withdrawing it now is too much weasel posturing and game-playing-like. It sets off my tacky sensors.

And of course, turning it into a relationship/commitment conversation now, a Big Conversation, might just trainwreck things. Doing nothing and just seeing how the next few meetings go, that's the safe course no matter what.
posted by rokusan at 8:09 AM on June 16

I wouldn't even mention anything - you can keep seeing or talking to other men without being "unfaithful" - it's not as if this guy committed to you

I agree, taking back something you had said already is likely to backfire. It can be incredibly hard to justify that to the other party in such a way as to prevent hurt feelings. For all you know, he may be ready to commit as well so you could be shooting yourself in the foot by withdrawing your statement. Hold back, talk to other people if you'd like, and we'll see what happens in three weeks.
posted by scrutiny at 8:23 AM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Taking things back seems silly, and would probably come off as petty. If you do keep seeing other men via the site, I wouldn't bother informing him.
posted by chunking express at 8:39 AM on June 16

Nthing not 'taking back' what you said. To a guy (read: me) things like that make you seem crazy/petty/spooky. You had a great time with this guy = awesome, but you aren't really 'dating', yeah? Unless you've mutually agreed to it, you don't owe him your fidelity. Chalk up what you said to excitement and see where things go with some of these other guys you think you might match. If things start looking good with guy #1, cool it with the dating scene and follow that up. If they don't, you haven't left yourself hanging.
posted by Pecinpah at 9:02 AM on June 16

I agree, don't take it back. It makes you look flighty and over-thinky. Just let it pass, and let his non-reciprocation pass, and move forward from here.
posted by chowflap at 9:10 AM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Don't overthink it. The more you try to explain, the deeper the hole gets. Don't regret sleeping with him and try to build on what you have. Meet him in a few weeks and just enjoy each other's company. Take it as it comes. You're just getting to know each other.
No drama.
posted by heather-b at 9:15 AM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I wouldn't make it a point of taking it back, mostly because taking it back puts some additional emphasis on it and kind of makes it a "Thing". If you find other men interesting, then go ahead and communicate with them, and I wouldn't say anything about it to this guy, mostly because I don't think it's really relevant.

If you and this current guy end up at a stage where you start to become exclusive, then you can make a decision about stopping communication with other guys.

If things get serious-ish with any new guy you meet, then I think you need to make a choice between this guy and new guy and stick with one or the other.

For what this is worth, I don't think you made a giant mistake here. You were carried away and you were honest about how you were feeling, and that's really not the worst thing in the world by far. My experience has been that relationships don't usually end or grow based solely on one thing like this - if he were to run because of this, it's not based on that one email or call or whatever, it's based on a whole bunch of things we'll probably never understand, and even if this one thing tipped the balance then it was probably only a matter of time before that balance tipped and it probably doesn't have a lot to do with what you did or didn't do.
posted by KAS at 10:13 AM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You've changed your mind.

You don't have to tell him.

Chances are he changed his mind on a number of things as well. If I were you I just wouldn't bring it up. If he asks if you are still seeing him exclusively you can either: Be honest and say you've changed your mind. Or answer his question with a question--I noticed you didn't say you've stopped talking to other women on the website. Why is that? [insert wry smile here--why should YOU always be the one in the hot seat? You should, however, anticipate his response.]

If I let everyone know everytime I changed my mind about something they'd be telling me to shut up about ten times as much as they do now. You don't HAVE to say or do anything.
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 10:34 AM on June 16

He emailed back to say he appreciated that and that he had a wonderful time with me but he didn't say he would stop communicating with other women.

I'm confused about this part. Did he SAY he would not stop communicating other women or did he simply NOT say that he wouldn't?

If it's the latter, just let it go and don't worry about it. If *he* thinks you moved too fast, he'll probably start backing off. If he continues to see you, then just let this relationship happen naturally. You'll soon see if he's committed or not.
posted by katillathehun at 11:36 AM on June 16

You may have slept with this person, but you barely know him. You don't owe him full disclosure, at least not yet. If you decide to communicate with other men on eHarmony, by all means, do. If something happens to click with one of them and you decide not to pursue anything with this man, you can just tell him you met someone else. It's not a lie, it preserves feelings, and it preserves your own right to privacy and to pursuing what's best for you.
posted by pecanpies at 8:18 PM on June 16