Another SO troubles question - i need some clarity! help if you can
June 15, 2009 7:32 PM Subscribe
I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We dated for about 7 months, and the past two have been very rocky. I work full time and am doing my MBA full time. I travel a fair bit for work. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of grief about "the way I am" in our relationship. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet and I do have a lot of flaws, but I am by no-means a distant boyfriend nor do I treat my girlfriend (ex) badly.
It got to the point where I felt as though I couldn't do anything correctly and so I decided to break it off with her. However, I haven't been without my reservations (and neither has she). My friends have probably had enough of my talking about this, so hopefully you guys can help me with a bit of insight or questions that I can use to try and figure out a few things?
Letter to my ex.
Even though I've spent the past two weeks trying to move on from this, I keep coming back to that part of me that says you should be in my life? Now I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic, but I'm sure that there is a reason for it! The only problem is that I am getting conflicting signals from my head, and from my heart. My head says that things wont change, and my heart wants them to. I guess I'm the only person who can make that decision to rectify this, but feel that I need to collect my thoughts because there's too much noise at the moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I need to start building my career and I am also the point where I want to start sharing my life with someone. However, I'm not at the point where I'm ready to settle down just yet. After meeting you, as much as it scares me to say it, I now know exactly what it is that I want from a life partner. Thinking over the past 6 months, I've had a lot of good times but also had a lot of tough ones too.
From the moment I met you, I always had this attraction to you - but for some reason, I never felt that there would be anything between us. You were shy, and never really struck up any conversations with me. When asked what I thought of you, I always had the impression that you'd be hard work; but for some reason I persisted with you and finally got you out on a date, I finally got you out for dinner and finally kissed you. We've came along way from asking you for your number and you ignoring my questions that’s for sure.
I'm not a hopeless romantic, but do love to know that the little things I do for you have made you feel special. Yes, at the beginning of a relationship you do go overboard and cut out everything in your life but after a few months, when the dust has settled I think its only natural to try and fall back into something a bit more realistic. In saying that, life changes and you want your girlfriend to share those experiences with you!
You feel as though I don't make enough effort in the relationship, and you're just a second string priority for me. You know how little time I have because of my work and study commitments, but I still have made every effort to include you in things so that I am able to see you and my friends. If its not the lack of time together, then the quality is not up to scratch.
I get enough pressure from work and my MBA. I spend time with you, my family and my friends to get away from those pressures - not add to them. Being told that I'm a shit boyfriend, or I make you unhappy by being myself doesn't make me feel appreciated. I know that you miss me when I'm away for work, or if we haven't spent a decent amount of time together in a few days; but just because I don't say it, doesn’t mean I'm not constantly thinking about you or I don't miss you. I've tried my best to see you as much as I can and do as much as I can to show you that I do care, but after 6 months, don’t you think you shouldn't need that constant reassurance anymore?
I'm not sure where these insecurities come from. You're well educated, beautiful and have a family who adores you. You've wanted for nothing in your life - perhaps you've been a little too spoiled by your family (and that’s ok because if I had the money I'd spoil you too!)? I'm not sure, but these insecurities seem to come from all areas of our relationship, regardless of how much I've tried to make them better!?
All the talk about how I don’t meet your needs really weighed on me. Life isn't as easy as saying I need to see you at least 3 times a week and me being able to accommodate that. Especially given all my commitments. Why can't you be flexible like I try to be? And if things don't work out today - know that I'll make every effort to try and make up for it. I have never said to you, I need 4 days a week at least to study, 2 days a week for gym and 1 day to do my grocery shopping and housework. I need to do all of those things, but am willing to work things around so that I can best juggle everything that I have on my plate to see you.
I know you're hurting, and so am I - but I can't really see how things will change? I really want them to. I want to have a relationship with you where I can hang out with you and my friends (and you're not willing to) I want to have a relationship where we're both able to have the space we need. I want a relationship where there isn't this power struggle and I'm not constantly told that by being me I'm hurting you by the things that I do. Getting in trouble for not looking at your building when I walked past your work is an example of those trivial things that you get mad about. I know you say that they're real emotions and they're important to you, but are they really worth fighting about? What happens one day if we had to have kids? Or if something serious actually happened?
I want a relationship where I'm better than I am without you, I want a relationship where I'm going to be pushed by my partner to achieve new things I'm not capable of by myself, I want a relationship where I'm all that for my partner. I don't want a relationship where Im getting into trouble for things that really arent a big deal, at all.
So where do we go from here? Back to square one and hope you'll ease up on me? Because its not fair to throw you back into things and take it away from you if I feel that things aren't getting any better. Or do I just forget about you and try and find someone else who measures up to the standards you have set for me?
It got to the point where I felt as though I couldn't do anything correctly and so I decided to break it off with her. However, I haven't been without my reservations (and neither has she). My friends have probably had enough of my talking about this, so hopefully you guys can help me with a bit of insight or questions that I can use to try and figure out a few things?
Letter to my ex.
Even though I've spent the past two weeks trying to move on from this, I keep coming back to that part of me that says you should be in my life? Now I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic, but I'm sure that there is a reason for it! The only problem is that I am getting conflicting signals from my head, and from my heart. My head says that things wont change, and my heart wants them to. I guess I'm the only person who can make that decision to rectify this, but feel that I need to collect my thoughts because there's too much noise at the moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I need to start building my career and I am also the point where I want to start sharing my life with someone. However, I'm not at the point where I'm ready to settle down just yet. After meeting you, as much as it scares me to say it, I now know exactly what it is that I want from a life partner. Thinking over the past 6 months, I've had a lot of good times but also had a lot of tough ones too.
From the moment I met you, I always had this attraction to you - but for some reason, I never felt that there would be anything between us. You were shy, and never really struck up any conversations with me. When asked what I thought of you, I always had the impression that you'd be hard work; but for some reason I persisted with you and finally got you out on a date, I finally got you out for dinner and finally kissed you. We've came along way from asking you for your number and you ignoring my questions that’s for sure.
I'm not a hopeless romantic, but do love to know that the little things I do for you have made you feel special. Yes, at the beginning of a relationship you do go overboard and cut out everything in your life but after a few months, when the dust has settled I think its only natural to try and fall back into something a bit more realistic. In saying that, life changes and you want your girlfriend to share those experiences with you!
You feel as though I don't make enough effort in the relationship, and you're just a second string priority for me. You know how little time I have because of my work and study commitments, but I still have made every effort to include you in things so that I am able to see you and my friends. If its not the lack of time together, then the quality is not up to scratch.
I get enough pressure from work and my MBA. I spend time with you, my family and my friends to get away from those pressures - not add to them. Being told that I'm a shit boyfriend, or I make you unhappy by being myself doesn't make me feel appreciated. I know that you miss me when I'm away for work, or if we haven't spent a decent amount of time together in a few days; but just because I don't say it, doesn’t mean I'm not constantly thinking about you or I don't miss you. I've tried my best to see you as much as I can and do as much as I can to show you that I do care, but after 6 months, don’t you think you shouldn't need that constant reassurance anymore?
I'm not sure where these insecurities come from. You're well educated, beautiful and have a family who adores you. You've wanted for nothing in your life - perhaps you've been a little too spoiled by your family (and that’s ok because if I had the money I'd spoil you too!)? I'm not sure, but these insecurities seem to come from all areas of our relationship, regardless of how much I've tried to make them better!?
All the talk about how I don’t meet your needs really weighed on me. Life isn't as easy as saying I need to see you at least 3 times a week and me being able to accommodate that. Especially given all my commitments. Why can't you be flexible like I try to be? And if things don't work out today - know that I'll make every effort to try and make up for it. I have never said to you, I need 4 days a week at least to study, 2 days a week for gym and 1 day to do my grocery shopping and housework. I need to do all of those things, but am willing to work things around so that I can best juggle everything that I have on my plate to see you.
I know you're hurting, and so am I - but I can't really see how things will change? I really want them to. I want to have a relationship with you where I can hang out with you and my friends (and you're not willing to) I want to have a relationship where we're both able to have the space we need. I want a relationship where there isn't this power struggle and I'm not constantly told that by being me I'm hurting you by the things that I do. Getting in trouble for not looking at your building when I walked past your work is an example of those trivial things that you get mad about. I know you say that they're real emotions and they're important to you, but are they really worth fighting about? What happens one day if we had to have kids? Or if something serious actually happened?
I want a relationship where I'm better than I am without you, I want a relationship where I'm going to be pushed by my partner to achieve new things I'm not capable of by myself, I want a relationship where I'm all that for my partner. I don't want a relationship where Im getting into trouble for things that really arent a big deal, at all.
So where do we go from here? Back to square one and hope you'll ease up on me? Because its not fair to throw you back into things and take it away from you if I feel that things aren't getting any better. Or do I just forget about you and try and find someone else who measures up to the standards you have set for me?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Breakups are hard and I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it, but if you're going to come to askme with a problem you need to actually ask a clear question; just venting at your ex by proxy isn't really what this place is for. -- cortex
Now I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic...
but you joined mefi just to post a letter to your ex?
posted by R. Mutt at 7:39 PM on June 15, 2009
but you joined mefi just to post a letter to your ex?
posted by R. Mutt at 7:39 PM on June 15, 2009
Do not send this letter. It is probably nice to have some of these things off your chest, but this is not a letter that will lead to reconciliation. You seem angry and accusatory. That may be justified but that's really irrelevant if you want to keep this relationship. Don't drag up the way she acted when you first asked her out.
It sounds like you really want things to work out but you are upset. You need to be able to have a calm conversation about this and what needs to change for you to be happy. Not a dramatic series of letters.
posted by grouse at 7:40 PM on June 15, 2009
It sounds like you really want things to work out but you are upset. You need to be able to have a calm conversation about this and what needs to change for you to be happy. Not a dramatic series of letters.
posted by grouse at 7:40 PM on June 15, 2009
you broke up with her and now you want to send her a letter that says she's an insecure, spoiled, inflexible, that things that are important to her are trivial?
leave the poor girl alone.
(please tell me you didn't send that letter!)
posted by nadawi at 7:41 PM on June 15, 2009
leave the poor girl alone.
(please tell me you didn't send that letter!)
posted by nadawi at 7:41 PM on June 15, 2009
Response by poster: just to clarify i dont intend on sending it to her, merely trying to collect my thoughts on things.
posted by jdp at 7:42 PM on June 15, 2009
posted by jdp at 7:42 PM on June 15, 2009
Hi. I'm not your ex, but I wouldn't be surprised if my ex had mentally drafted this letter to me when we broke up a few years ago.
Answer = b, just forget about her and try and find someone else who measures up to the standards she has set, but is even better because they like you the way you are.
posted by jacalata at 7:43 PM on June 15, 2009
Answer = b, just forget about her and try and find someone else who measures up to the standards she has set, but is even better because they like you the way you are.
posted by jacalata at 7:43 PM on June 15, 2009
you don't want her. you just miss the feeling of having someone. that is a terrible reason to string someone else along. find strength in your friends. get sex from one night stands or professionals.
posted by nadawi at 7:44 PM on June 15, 2009
posted by nadawi at 7:44 PM on June 15, 2009
Best answer: I don't see any questions in here. Or at least, none that you're looking for us to answer. So, I hope posting this letter has purged your system, that you'll sleep well tonight, and that you'll wake up tomorrow morning a little more ready to move on having learned some valuable lessons about what you want in life.
Reading this makes it clear that this relationship was not making you happy. I'll point out the fact that you say that you now want someone to spend your life with, and claim to know what kind of person you want that to be, but you never, ever talk about it being good with her, have anything more than rhetorical questions for her, or talk about why you'd want to be with her. At 7 months in, it shouldn't be this hard.
posted by amelioration at 7:45 PM on June 15, 2009
Reading this makes it clear that this relationship was not making you happy. I'll point out the fact that you say that you now want someone to spend your life with, and claim to know what kind of person you want that to be, but you never, ever talk about it being good with her, have anything more than rhetorical questions for her, or talk about why you'd want to be with her. At 7 months in, it shouldn't be this hard.
posted by amelioration at 7:45 PM on June 15, 2009
You are in the post-breakup pain zone. This is when people lash out and do things they regret later. Do not send that letter to anyone. Do not post it on your LJ or your Twitter or your Facebook. Do not call all of her friends and try to bring them over to your side (I've gotten one of those and it is NOT pretty). It doesn't matter why things ended (she's spoiled, she's angry, blah blah blah), all that matters at this point is that it ended and you need to move on and work on you so that you can be ready for your next relationship.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Letters like that are great to write. They help you clear your head and organize your thoughts, and they can help you really close the door on something mentally.
But you're not supposed to ever send them. This is important.
posted by rokusan at 7:46 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
But you're not supposed to ever send them. This is important.
posted by rokusan at 7:46 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this letter sounds like "This is what I want. This is how you can fit into my life. This is what's wrong with you". This letter sounds very little like "What can I do to make this better? What improvements can I make? How can we compromise?"
She's lucky to be rid of you.
posted by greta simone at 7:47 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
She's lucky to be rid of you.
posted by greta simone at 7:47 PM on June 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
You seem to be operating on the assumption that the only issue she has is that you can't / won't spend as much time with her as she'd like. At least, that's what I'm getting from your letter. Is that the way you see it, or might she have other complaints?
Certainly, somebody tends towards neediness & clinginess won't last long with somebody as busy as you sound. Is that what she's like? Is her time nearly as filled as yours?
Just some points for thought, because there isn't all that much an outsider can read into a letter like that.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:50 PM on June 15, 2009
Certainly, somebody tends towards neediness & clinginess won't last long with somebody as busy as you sound. Is that what she's like? Is her time nearly as filled as yours?
Just some points for thought, because there isn't all that much an outsider can read into a letter like that.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:50 PM on June 15, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm not saying your ex is correct in any of her criticism of you. I'm just giving you the advice you asked for: don't try to be in a serious relationship now, and don't try to be in any relationship with that particular person at all.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 7:39 PM on June 15, 2009