Not gay, or at least, probably not.

June 13, 2009 12:24 PM

I'm straight, but I've been seeing this girl. She's beautiful and a socialite and I've been feeling conflicted about being seen in public together. More inside...

A month or so ago I broke up with my boyfriend of a year. As I began once again to enjoy the untethered life I started to go out with my friends, and I met some really interesting people. You see, this is the first time I've really ever gone out while single, and I didn't expect it to be as easy as it was to meet people. One of these new friends is a girl who I find amazing. She's smart, multilingual, funny, easy going, absolutely freaking gorgeous and for whatever reason she is interested in me.

We have a lot of fun together, enjoy a lot of the same things, even think things at the same time pretty frequently. We've even been romantic together, and it went pretty well as far as those things go. But, after a few nights out with her friends (who I love) in local bars word has spread that I am *gasp* playing for the other team. Exes have called me, my coworkers somehow found out, even my boss. It's not that I even mind that much, I know for me that this is just a phase, a time for me to experiment with a different kind of relationship with a different kind of person.

So here's my question-- is publicly experimenting as I am ill-advised? Has anyone else ever had any experiences like this, gay or straight?

posted by anonymous to human relations (32 comments total)

Live your life however you want, "ill-advised" is a term of politics. If you want to subsume your private life under a political aesthetic, that's up to you, but you don't have to if you don't want to.
posted by rhizome at 12:31 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]

I can't see why it's ill-advised for you to go out with a woman publicly, unless the people in your life are outright homophobes, and even then I'd say do it because their viewpoints need some challenging.

My concern is actually for the woman you are "experimenting" with. Does she know she's just part of a "phase" for you rather than someone you are taking seriously? She's not a chemistry set — she's a person. If she's going to want more than you are able to give, it's just not fair to play with her for awhile and then drop her. Be considerate of her, please.
posted by orange swan at 12:35 PM on June 13 [28 favorites]

So here's my question-- is publicly experimenting as I am ill-advised?

Are you in the military and having to abide by "don't ask, don't tell?"

Are you living in a culture/region where you could be disowned by your family or beaten to death for an open same-sex relationship?

If neither of these apply, then you're overthinking it, and it's nobody's business but your own.
posted by availablelight at 12:36 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]

Bah. You're fine. So many -- in fact most -- "straight" women I have known have at least had the occasional fling on the other sideline. Sexuality isn't some black and white thing, after all.

Even better for you, it's all so much better accepted socially today than even 10 years ago that I'd say you should consider yourself lucky and run with it.

It's not a "phase". She's just a great person you want to be with for now. Maybe the next one will be a mad again. Or another amazing woman. Or maybe this one will last forever. None of that really matters today. Tomorrow's a whole different issue.

In the mean time, congratulations and have fun.
posted by rokusan at 12:37 PM on June 13

I know for me that this is just a phase, a time for me to experiment with a different kind of relationship with a different kind of person.

What does the girl you're dating think about this?

So here's my question-- is publicly experimenting as I am ill-advised?

Not unless you live in a place chock-full of homophobes.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:37 PM on June 13

Sexual preferences aside, it is nobodies business that you are seeing this woman, no more than if you were seeing a particular guy. If your coworkers or boss! bring it up, express that it is none of their business. If they don't take the hint, throw some beat down juice on them. Start questioning their relationships and publicly share information they have confided in you. It is a 2 way street of respect, even if they have forgot that's how things work.

I think you should do what you feel and everyone else be damned when it comes to your relationship. I would hesitate in calling it a phase though. You've already placed some sort of time frame on a relationship that is not needed. Either it works out or it doesn't. Experiment how you wish, it is your life, not anyone else's.

Best of luck. :)

I am a little vindictive so take what I say with a grain of salt.
posted by Gravitus at 12:38 PM on June 13

As long as you're not pledging undying love for this girl, or she for you - that is, as long as you're both clear on this being a fling - then you can say what you want about it to whomever you want. Or not. Some people will be some degree of freaked out, some won't care, some will want you to declare allegiance to one camp or the other. Do what makes you happiest and doesn't hurt the woman you're kinda sorta seeing.

And you may or may not know that in the lesbian community (which you may or may not become part off, brush past, etc.), there's longstanding hostility among some regarding straight girls who "experiment" with lesbianism. This is an ouchy subject because enough lesbians have had their hearts broken by straight women that you might get the stinkeye. But if you're not actually moving in any sort of settled community - that is, if the people you're mostly hanging out with are....heteroflexible, then it shouldn't be a big deal.

If anyone is mean to you or calls you names or anything like that, you don't have to talk to them anymore. If anyone asks inappropriate questions, you can smile sunnily and say "Oh, I don't want to talk about that now. How are you doing?"

And if you do end up coming out as bi, well, that's a whole different subject. (I'm not bi, but most of my girlfriends have been. I'm female, btw.)
posted by rtha at 12:47 PM on June 13 [3 favorites]

Let me risk and jump into this. It seems to me that what is happening here you are getting top quality human contact, probably something that you have been abstaining from up until a month ago. Once in a while I get these moments of adoration for women: I see them through a man's eyes if I can say so. Or maybe they could be our human 'soul mates', just in dimensions other than sexuality. For me, it is a very similar experience to 'being in love' with a school teacher. Also in my case, I am lucky to look up to someone's good example (smarts, skills, manners, beauty), so it certainly also has to do with mirroring, as we are naturally attracted to people who mirror our own personality back to us. Haven't met anyone like this in my circle of friends, but if I did, I would seek to hang out with such a person, man or woman. I had a blast skipping lectures in order to hang out with my female college professor: it was a purely intellectual experience, and I picked up some great lady manners from her.
posted by Jurate at 12:49 PM on June 13

Ill-advised or not, it sounds like the cat is well and truly out of the bag, you can't undo that. If people think badly of you for dating another women, they are unlikely to change that opinion if you dump her (at least not in a favourable direction)

Do make sure you and she are on the same page about this being a fling/phase thing though. It would be unfair to lead her on if you have no intention of having a real relationship with her. Nothing wrong with experimentation or having a bit of a fling so long as you both know thats all it is.
posted by missmagenta at 12:49 PM on June 13

Labels are for static things while desire is all verb. Sensitive queries from those you trust could be met with a amused laugh at having discovered a new side of yourself. Snoopers and gossips should be sent on their way. Like the poet says: Live and love and count not the words of sour old men.
posted by felix betachat at 12:52 PM on June 13 [7 favorites]

What availablelight said. "Ill-advised" depends on how tolerant your environment is. If it's San Francisco, who cares what people know? If it's Saudi Arabia, best keep it on the DL...
posted by paultopia at 1:01 PM on June 13

*
posted by chairface at 1:21 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]

I've dated and been in long-term relationships with women on both sides of the aisle and it has always been more about the person. One partner who identified as heterosexual would say it was never about my gender - only me as a person. Maybe this is somewhat similar to your situation.

Here's my take: Be mindful that you are coming off a breakup and sometimes the idea that someone - anyone - finds you interesting/attractive/etc can be very intoxicating. The attention shown to you can be a powerful magnet.

Heed the safety advice of those who posted before me. While I would like to think we have progressed to the point where it would no longer be an issue, there are still those whose ideals and/or beliefs motivate them to act upon those they see as different. PDA's in some cases may put a target on your back.

Explore yourself, enjoy yourself.
posted by sillygit at 1:27 PM on June 13

If you're a woman having sex with another woman, labeling yourself as "straight" is nonsensical. Maybe you're not lesbian up until now, maybe you won't be after this fling, but let's at least call it what it is -- homosexuality.

You need to talk to your friend about this. I've never been hurt so badly as a gay man than when someone I fell for decided he "couldn't deal" and broke things off abruptly and hurtfully. Granted, this was 15 years ago, times have changed, and it's easier for women to have fluid sexuality than men... But still, please, talk to your lover about all this.
posted by hippybear at 2:04 PM on June 13 [6 favorites]

Wow, I left a lot out of that, didn't I? He was "straight" and the "couldn't deal" part was about being identified as gay because we were seen in public together a lot.
posted by hippybear at 2:05 PM on June 13

As I understand it (thx to Dan Savage), being homosexual is different than being bisexual or being straight. Each requires a different mind-set and are not inclusive. As long as you are still turned on by men you will not be a lesbian, but by the same logic you definitely are not straight.
posted by JJ86 at 3:04 PM on June 13

FWIW ... it's highly possible that your girlfriend doesn't consider this a "phase" for herself, and in the giddiness of a new relationship, thinks you're right there with her. If you're not, then you need to tell her.

Phases end. That's why they call them phases.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:06 PM on June 13

Yeah, my lesbian "phase" turned into marrying her. Watch what you decide to label things. If you live in a big enough city that you can say your girl is a socialite, it doesn't seem like you should be worried about out and out homophobia. In the meantime, why not be a little more open-minded about this relationship?
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:26 PM on June 13 [2 favorites]

I think this isn't an all-or-nothing question. Make decisions on a case-by-case basis on how much information to give out.Trust that you have good judgment as to who to tell what based on your situation.

If it gets more serious with this woman, let her know you see this as a phase.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:31 PM on June 13

Everyone already knows so you might as well keep enjoying yourself.

Tell anyone who demands an explanation to fuck right off. In a nice way, of course.
posted by kathrineg at 3:50 PM on June 13 [4 favorites]

Tell anyone who demands an explanation to fuck right off. In a nice way, of course.

Hear, hear. And include in this group anyone who requires you to choose a label. You don't have to define yourself for the convenience of others. If they can only think in terms of homo, bi or hetero, that's their problem, not yours.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 3:58 PM on June 13

Your co-workers and boss have brought it up? This could be a lawsuit, if you wish to pursue . . .
posted by 6:1 at 5:16 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]

Your co-workers and boss have brought it up? This could be a lawsuit, if you wish to pursue . . .
posted by 6:1 at 5:16 PM on June 13

Sexual orientation is not a federally protected class in the United States. There may be other jurisdictions where this is not the case, but as a rule, you can be fired for your sexual orientation and there's no law prohibiting it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:42 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]

Optimus Chyme: all that depends on which state you live in. For example, here in WA, it IS a protected group for employment and housing and anything else that other minority groups are protected.

Except marriage. We're still second-class in that regard.
posted by hippybear at 7:52 PM on June 13

n-thing everything upthread. I once got involved in a fling with a co-worker of all people where everyone knew us and knew both of our orientations (me straight - he nowhere near it). But I still dug the guy and took it far enough to sugges we spend the night together.

It ended there, though, because being with another man was like wearing two shirts at the same time for me - certain people can rock a look like that, others feel itchy and vaguely off doing so. But I went for it regardless and we weren't lovers, but still were great friends.

So defintely find out where this is going, but don't do anything to make your new girlfriend believe something is there if it isn't.

Whatever you do, don't let the extremely-vague word "phase" provide you with a rationalization for dumping your responsibility to be honest when intimate in a new way.

Good luck (and fuck what anyone else says - go all in and see what's on the other shore!)
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:44 PM on June 13

go for it.

live your life.
posted by micklaw at 12:21 AM on June 14

1: read this fantastic book
http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674026241

2: I had an experience like this and it ended badly, because I got myself into a big flap about it. This included obsessive rumination about whether I should or shouldn't, and fretting about my 'straight' identity being eroded. No one, apart from people who were jealous of the relationship, has ever openly said anything to me about it unless i've brought it up, and they've never said anything mean, but just treated it as a relationship. I don't regret being with her, but I regret worrying about it, a lot.

So stop worrying, talk to your trusted friends about it, read the Diamond book, and enjoy!
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 3:09 AM on June 14

If you like someone, well, then like them! You can't maintain the cognitive dissociation of labeling this post "not gay, or at least, probably not" while dating a girl for very long.

Labels are not necessary unless you are aiming to discriminate.
posted by mezamashii at 6:18 AM on June 14

How extremely odd that your acquaintances and co-workers feel free to call and question you just a month in (or at all, as long as you're not in danger). I'd be looking at that, frankly; maybe it's time to reinforce the perimeter a bit. You'll have a much easier time determining whether this is, in fact, a phase -- your headline makes your ambivalence pretty clear.
posted by thinkpiece at 6:46 AM on June 14 [1 favorite]

YOUR behavior isn't the question here. THEIRS is.

Some people will find any excuse to gossip. You should not see this as any reason to alter your behavior one whit, no matter WHAT it is you're doing, because this isn't about what it is you're doing at all. This is about them feeling they have leave to pass judgement on it and gossip about something that, frankly, is none of their business. I'd feel the same if you posted in here about how you were changing careers and were hearing all of your friends were calling each other all "omg, can you believe it???"

As long as what you are doing is legal, is moral according to YOUR own code, and is something you want to pursue, do it. If people get all nosy about it, tell them to go pound sand.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:32 AM on June 15

I'm getting the impression that in the past you have been the sort of person who tells everyone when you are seeing someone new. If you tend to make a lot of announcements about your dating life, it's only natural that people will treat it as a topic of conversation. If you were seen out with a locally famous man they might behave the same way.

Personally, I prefer not to discuss my romantic life much with people. Because of this, almost no one asks me prying questions about either men or women.

So, now you are dating a well-known person you might read about in your local paper. Don't discuss intimate details of your relationship with others if you don't want them to become fodder for gossip (and you shouldn't want this, it's unfair to your romantic interest). I'd tell you the same if you were dating a man.

If I have the wrong impression and you don't usually discuss dating with all and sundry, perhaps people want to gossip about the local socialite and are hoping you will let something juicy drop if they ask prying questions about your sexuality.
posted by yohko at 6:58 AM on June 16

Yeah, I agree. Tell everyone to fuck off and do what you want. Sometimes a relationship is remarkable enough to attract attention without any dropped hints or juicy gossip. If it's a phase, it's a phase, and I don't think it's such a bad idea to call it whatever feels right for you, but don't say it to the girl or you might hurt her feelings. You'll be fine, gay or straight.
posted by wild like kudzu at 8:37 AM on June 18