Train separation

June 12, 2009 5:26 PM

Resolving emotional distress without resorting to a lawsuit?

On a train (light rail), my girlfriend and I were boarding. I made it inside, but she did not - the doors closed on her; she signalled to the driver to open the doors, but the train began moving. We didn't end up spending the day together as we had planned, and are both very torn and frustrated over the experience. What can we do about this?

posted by LSK to human relations (27 comments total)

Nothing. Get over it. A lawsuit would be silly.
posted by saeculorum at 5:28 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

Is this a joke? Seriously, this seems like a prank question, because it seems so obviously to be a disappointment based upon your own fault.

Anyway, I would recommend you remind yourself --- whenever the distress threatens to be too much to bear --- of people who have lived in times of war, poverty, famine, etc. Consider people who lived through heavy bombing in World War II, or heck, in our own time. Your missed day with your girlfriend will seem like a minor thing.
posted by jayder at 5:31 PM on June 12 [6 favorites]

Bad luck. You'll live.
posted by matthewr at 5:33 PM on June 12

As a theater professor once advised me, "Own it. (thoughtful pause). Now let it go". Does wonders to moving on with your life in a positive way.
posted by qwip at 5:35 PM on June 12 [10 favorites]

It wasn't possible to get off at the next stop, switch trains, then head back to catch up with her? Just curious. With regard to getting over it, I point to the comments above this one -- this is not lawsuit-worthy. No one got hurt, right? It just doesn't sound like anything horrible happened. Stop considering a problem, and it'll cease to be one. You'll have lots of days to hang out together in the future; don't spoil them by dwelling on the one day that didn't happen.
posted by heyho at 5:37 PM on June 12

Ummm seriously? Plan to spend another day together to make up for it? There's nothing you can do about this. A lawsuit wouldn't even work and would probably get you laughed out of court. If this happens to you again I would recommend getting off at the next stop and waiting for your girlfriend there. You'll have lost what ... all of 20 mins?
posted by Arbac at 5:40 PM on June 12

pack her a surprise 2am picnic and have it on the balcony. add a bottle of wine, laugh about the missed day, talk about how great this unplanned night is, finish with sex.
posted by nadawi at 5:40 PM on June 12 [2 favorites]

On the other hand, that missed day together may have been the day you would have otherwise gotten into a big ugly fight and broken up with her as a result. Send the conductor a thank-you for saving your relationship, perhaps. Aaaaaand... closure.

Seems about as likely as a lawsuit making it past minute one in the courtroom.
posted by heyho at 5:41 PM on June 12

Write a letter of complaint, possibly but very likely not get one train fare refunded. That's pretty much it; there is no lawsuit here and despite what you may personally feel, your "emotional distress" is negligible as far as the courts are concerned.

You missed a train. You could have missed a train, missed a connecting flight, missed your own wedding and the subsequent funeral of your own mother when she dropped dead of the shame, and you would still have no case. The distress was not reckless or intentional and there were no damages.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:41 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

Vent about it through a vague and seemingly pointless AskMeFi question. Be so upset in your question that you pretend that you're seriously considering litigation against some unidentified defendant, even though you're actually rational enough not to do that. Then revel in the fact that you have shared your frustration with a bunch of MeFites who have told you what you already know: That you need to get over it.

But don't go beyond that.
posted by The World Famous at 5:46 PM on June 12 [6 favorites]

Wow I read that waiting for the horrible scene of her being dragged and either killed or seriously injured while you watched.

IANYL, but emotional distress claims are for actual, extreme emotional distress. Like someone beating your mother to death in front of you emotional distress. This is mild disappointment. Or a total bummer. Total bummers are not generally compensable under the law and I really can't for the life of me understand how you think they would be. Next time get there 10 minutes early like you are supposed to.

One other thing. Yeah the conductor was kind of a dick to not open the doors again and let her in, but once again generally speaking, it isn't illegal to be a dick. You can't sue because someone really pulled a third degree dick move. It sucks, but it isn't illegal, it's just life.
posted by whoaali at 5:55 PM on June 12 [13 favorites]

(I'm assuming you two can see each other on a regular basis, and this wasn't the only time you could see her for the next six months or something)

Replace the bad memories with something positive; make up for the unintentional postponement! Plan a day trip, but make the trip something you can control as much as possible. Picnic in the park you can walk to, or go for a hike. Or completely avoid the stress of leaving the house by having breakfast in bed.

You wanted to have a nice day. Your plans got screwed up. That's distressing. It's totally okay to be upset about something like this for a little while. Focus on what you can control.
posted by giraffe at 6:05 PM on June 12

What can we do about this?

I would suggest two things. First, a day trip together. Perhaps to a pediatric cancer ward for some perspective. Second, another day trip together. For a nice meal or a trip to the beach or whatever activity you both enjoy, after which you shouldn't think about this again.
posted by Justinian at 6:10 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

Don't sue. That would be dumb.

What happened to you truly sucks. But not even close enough for a lawsuit.

It would be better to write a letter. Write lots of letters to lots of important people. And don't stop until you get a response.
posted by jabberjaw at 6:22 PM on June 12

Under what law or tort are you planning to sue? There's no "someone ruined my day, pay me 1 million dollars, wah wah" action. The conductor has every right to close the door when he feels the need to. If riders could control this then no train would ever leave on time and you'd have some serious safety issues.
posted by damn dirty ape at 6:24 PM on June 12

DTMFA. You need a faster girlfriend.

Kidding, but if this is the worst thing that's happened to you this week, you've had a good week. Spend the day with each other tomorrow.
posted by Houstonian at 6:40 PM on June 12 [12 favorites]

Another good idea for the two of you would be to watch Best In Show after you get back from the cancer ward.

If you're really this distressed, and are so overwrought about riding trains to be able to sit through consulting and paying a lawyer, bringing your case to court, wrangling with the other lawyer Light Rail In Your Town brings to the table, and then being on tenterhooks for a verdict, go for it.

Meanwhile, have a cookie.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:35 PM on June 12

Trains tend to run on fixed schedules. Get a printed train schedule and be at the platform waiting for the train next time.
posted by torquemaniac at 7:40 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

Why on earth would you rush for a train door and not hold it from closing before she could get in? Seriously, I ride trains every day, and if my boyfriend leapt through doors that were closing without holding them open for me, I'd be more pissed at him than the train operator.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:07 PM on June 12 [12 favorites]

Therapy. Seriously, if this has caused you and/or your girlfriend "severe emotional distress" to the point where a lawsuit was ever in the realm of possibility, it seems likely that something bigger is going on, and you may benefit from individual or couples therapy.
posted by decathecting at 8:30 PM on June 12

Something else is wrong and this lost day and getting separated is taking the blame for it. Find out what that thing is, or more accurately, admit it to yourself, whatever it is.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:17 PM on June 12

Wow I read that waiting for the horrible scene of her being dragged and either killed or seriously injured while you watched

That's how I read this too. I was dreading hearing about arms being torn off or serious injury from being dragged by the train. I laughed on learning someone missed the train!

Dude, nothing happened. Write a letter if you must otherwise just call each other on your cell phones and meet at the next stop.
posted by saradarlin at 10:50 PM on June 12

Can you describe the symptoms of your severe emotional distress?
posted by so_gracefully at 12:22 AM on June 13

Treat it as an opportunity to reflect upon the fact that the world does not revolve around you.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:51 AM on June 13 [4 favorites]

A couple of weeks ago, I boarded a train, and the doors closed shortly thereafter. A couple of people were pounding on the door; this isn't unusual, as the trains aren't terribly frequent on weekends. It then became apparent that a boy, maybe 6 or 7, had boarded, but his parents (the people pounding on the door) hadn't been able to. Two stations down the line, the train stopped until the transit police could retrieve the child, who was now a mile away from his parents.

Shortly thereafter, I was on another train, and right after the doors closed at one station and the train was pulling away, someone, turned to the person nearest her and asked if there was any way to stop the train right then. Apparently, someone she was responsible for had gotten off the train without her. The response, of course, was that she could get off the train at the next stop, a mile down the tracks, and go back in the other direction.

Neither of the parties above will get anywhere with a lawsuit. Neither will you.
posted by oaf at 7:13 AM on June 13

I know you said you don't want to sue, but perhaps the law could shed some light on this for you.

In a case like this an essential element to prove would be causation. What was the cause of your emotional distress? That train was going to close its doors and move along anyway. If you and your girlfriend had been on it when it did, you wouldn't have suffered this emotional distress. So it wasn't the train closing its doors and moving per se that caused your distress. It was your choice to rush the doors - a risky behavior that is probably prohibited by the applicable transit authority - that was the precipitating factor of your emotional distress. And the conductor? Well, unless she or he had a duty to open the doors for you and could be said to have breached that duty by failing to do so (see previous comment about rushing the doors probably being prohibited) that claim is likely to fail as well. In sum, one could say that but for your rushing the doors, your emotional distress would not have been inflicted. You cannot prove causation against the train operator on these facts.

Another thing you would have to prove is damages. Claiming damages also includes a duty to mitigate one's damages. In other words, you get to recover only if you've done everything you reasonably could to make it better on your own and have still suffered a loss. What have you done to mitigate your damages? I think the other commenters have given you some good ideas that would probably fully mitigate your damages. If not, then therapy might help you address why this has impacted you so deeply and what underlying issues need to be resolved to help you move on.

While I would guess you are probably not in Canada, one of my favorite quotes from a recent Supreme Court case up here may give you some perspective: "The law expects reasonable fortitude and robustness of its citizens[...]" In other words, sometimes you have to just suck it up and deal.
posted by AV at 8:59 AM on June 13 [1 favorite]

You caused the emotional distress yourself by cutting it so close that train doors were able to close between you and your girlfriend.
posted by agentwills at 2:46 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]