How do I get over a great relationship?

June 12, 2009 10:33 AM

Please knock some sense into me so I can get over this break up.

About four months ago my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It was a total shock to me -- we had reached a point in our relationship where we were talking about moving in together, getting engaged, having kids, etc. We had even gone to a jewelry store to look at engagement rings a few months prior (his idea, not mine). His reasons for the break up were the following: he had become extremely depressed (due to a family issue), we were going to have to be long distance for the next year (due to his same family issue), and he felt that he couldn't focus on anything except keeping things together for himself, let alone a relationship.

Since then his attitude towards me has gone from "I'll always love you, and I think we'll get back together someday," to "I didn't love you at all for the last few months of our relationship, and it's over forever." On the few occasions when we've talked about these things, he still insists that the break up was solely about his issues and depression, and he only stopped loving me because of his depression, and nothing having to do with me or our relationship.

I know this sounds like a pretty classic example of "It's not you, it's me," but the few times that we've seen each other since the break up have really borne this out. We still have amazing conversations and make each other laugh; basically being around him feels like we're still dating, minus anything physical. It kills me that this relationship, which in itself was not flawed, has to be over.

However much it seems (especially on preview, yikes) that this is a big explanation of why we should get back together, I know that that's just not going to happen. So now I need to know how to get over this. The usual stuff about realizing how bad the relationship was or how I can do so much better don't really seem to apply here, seeing as the worst thing I can think of is just that he broke up with me. I'm incredibly depressed, and I know something has to change. I just don't know what to do. So... what should I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about this anymore (they've been hearing it for four months already), so this is sort of a last resort.* Throwaway gmail account: [e-mail].

* Besides therapy of course. I was seeing a therapist for a few months, but for logistical reasons, it's simply not an option for the next couple of months.

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

Stop seeing him and talking to him. You won't get over this if he's still around.
posted by youcancallmeal at 10:40 AM on June 12 [16 favorites]

Since then his attitude towards me has gone from "I'll always love you, and I think we'll get back together someday," to "I didn't love you at all for the last few months of our relationship, and it's over forever."

I will quote the intelligent people of AskMetaFilter who remind us to believe what people tell you about themselves. Every time you start to slip into hoping that things might change, remind yourself of what you typed here and I promise you will learn to accept it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to let him go and you need to move on. And you need to stop talking to him altogether. It sounds he's going through a rough time, but you are no longer an appropriate person to provide support for him. Lean on your friends, ask them to keep you busy, allow yourself to wallow, and give yourself the time, space, and permission to heal. You will.

I was told once that it helped to write a really long letter saying everything you want to say, and then burn it. I haven't tried it myself (yet) but it sounded awfully cathartic.
posted by juliplease at 10:40 AM on June 12 [1 favorite]

You need time away from him. Stop going out "as friends" or having any contact for a few months, as a sort of experiment. See if your feelings change the way his did.

If you can re-become friends a year or two later, fine. But first figure out your own head.
posted by rokusan at 10:41 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry the rug was pulled out from under you like this.

I notice that you still are in contact with him (you say that you have conversations and still are around him) -- I would cut that off completely, just for a while. I'm not saying never talk to the guy again, but...be apart from him, REALLY apart from him, for a while until you have gained enough perspective that think you can start from a different place.

It'll still feel awful for a while, which...just sucks, but staying in touch with him just kind of prevents you from doing that awful-feeling sucky stuff you NEED to go through to get past this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:42 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]

The first thing you need to do is quit seeing each other. Of course you're not going to get over him if you meet up with him and have amazing conversations.
posted by Nattie at 10:44 AM on June 12 [1 favorite]

The usual stuff about realizing how bad the relationship was or how I can do so much better don't really seem to apply here

You don't need to try to convince yourself that the relationship was not so great, so don't add to your suffering by trying to do that. It's really shocking how strongly our culture reinforces the notion that a good relationship is one that lasts forever, while one that doesn't last should be viewed as some kind of mistake that you're best off without. There's no contradiction in thinking that this relationship was completely wonderful, a beautiful phase in your life, but that now you have to enter another phase.

All relationships, even the most perfect, end; it's just that a few really lucky people get to have the ending be when one of them dies of old age. Which is kind of not so great either, now I think about it.

Seconding absolute contact cut-off, too. If you feel the need, you can make it clear to him, before you do that, that you're doing it to try to maximize the chances of becoming good friends in the medium- to long-term, not because you hate him.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 10:44 AM on June 12 [25 favorites]

game warden to the events rhino has it. Moving into a place of acceptance, and moving on, is the way to go. Instead of thinking about how nice things were, or what could have been, start moving forward and thinking about your own life and future, perhaps even other relationships you could be developing. And it doesn't need to be defined in opposition to your old relationship; it's simply that you should be thinking "that was in the past, now I'm thinking about my present and my future." The fact that you acknowledge that getting back together is "just not going to happen" is a really good sign that you're at least aware of the right path, if not already on it.

This perhaps provides some insight into why people are emphasizing (rightly) that complete contact cut-off is necessary, for at least a reasonable amount of time. Being around another person that you were, at one time, emotionally intimate with, is going to distort your perception of the reality of the situation and have you hoping for something infeasible because this distortion makes it seem much more plausible.
posted by Jacen Solo at 11:00 AM on June 12 [2 favorites]

It's a cliche and I know it's hard to believe and it doesn't help all that much right now but it WILL get better.

..and with that, I present The Main Ingredient.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:06 AM on June 12

Nthing the other responders re: cut off all contact.

What you're experiencing is normal. Romantic love is a powerful chemical addiction activating the same systems as chocolate and cocaine. You're still addicted to the feelings you had when you were with your boyfriend, and you need to break that addiction rather than prolong the withdrawal symptoms (i.e. depression). The only practical way to do this is to stop seeing him, talking to him, or thinking about him for whatever period of time it takes for your hurt to go away. For most people, this is at least a couple of months.

It's possible that you can be non-romantic friends again in the future, and it's even possible that you can rekindle your romantic relationship again someday, but, right now, you need to heal yourself, and that means forgetting him. Put all your relationship mementos in a box and stash it away somewhere you won't see it. Take him off your IM buddy list and out of your cell phone's directory. Archive his old emails. Ask him not to call or write. When you feel the urge to see him or talk to him, call a good friend instead. Do not brood! Whenever you catch yourself thinking of him, distract yourself by thinking about or doing something neutral or pleasant instead. Do something physical, like going for a run or a bike ride; this will boost your brain's sagging dopamine levels and lift your spirits.

I also highly recommend anthropologist Helen Fisher's superb book "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" for a detailed explanation of why we experience such amazing highs and lows from our love affairs. I've found that the more I know about how my brain works, the better I'm able to cope with all of the crazy things it does sometimes.
posted by brain at 11:09 AM on June 12 [6 favorites]

I got some really good answers when I asked this same question almost exactly (where exactly means ± 11 days) a year ago.

And honestly, you will get through this, even though it doesn't feel like it now. When I had those feelings it felt like they would never go away, and now I am so relieved that they have.
posted by MsMolly at 11:14 AM on June 12 [2 favorites]

I can recommend this book: When Things Fall Apart. It's not specifically about relationships, but she talks about her husband leaving her, and about coping with a wide range of difficult circumstances.
posted by desjardins at 11:44 AM on June 12 [2 favorites]

Time apart. The way you act around each other is conditioning and it will mess with your mind. If his change in attitude doesn't make sense to you, then maybe there is some deception involved or perhaps it was abrupt due to the same trigger that initiated an abrupt depression / mental state change for you ex. Either way more information will not resolve anything, it'll just prolong things. Time apart, without expectations or plans for the future.
posted by syntheticfaith at 11:58 AM on June 12 [1 favorite]

Yes, I've been in your situation. You really should just stop talking to him. Once I stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend, it was really a lot easier to move on. And after about a year, when I had started dating another man (my husband, who is such a better fit for me in so many ways, yay!) and moved on, I called my ex and invited him to lunch. We're still friends, but I needed to be away from him for a long time before I was ready to be friends.

Also, it helped to keep busy. If I was out doing fun things with other people I wasn't thinking about my breakup. So I just scheduled activities like crazy. I went hiking, and tubing, I went to bbqs and happy hours. I volunteered. I just didn't spend any time alone.

And you should start dating again. Even if you just go on a few casual dates just for fun (since you're probably not ready for anything serious yet), it will help you see that there are other possibilities out there. Go match.com or go speed dating, something like that.

The most important thing is not to sit around by yourself and mope.

This really will get better with time.

Good luck.
posted by bananafish at 12:35 PM on June 12

The usual stuff about realizing how bad the relationship was or how I can do so much better don't really seem to apply here...

You don't need to think of him as a villain but he's not blameless here either. When things got tough for him, he bailed on you. Now imagine being married to someone like that. What if something tragic happened in your life and you needed him?
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:39 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

So now I need to know how to get over this.

Avoid your ex-boyfriend. Ignore him. Etc. And then wait. Time actually does heal all wounds. It's awesome.
posted by chunking express at 12:46 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

When things got tough for him, he bailed on you. Now imagine being married to someone like that. What if something tragic happened in your life and you needed him?

Now that's not fair. Things got tough for him, not for her. He may need that time to cope or something, and people handle things differently. Some may seek solace in their girlfriend, or some may need time alone to get through it. Either way, it's completely different from him bailing on her when she was in a tough spot. This bit:

he felt that he couldn't focus on anything except keeping things together for himself, let alone a relationship

seems eminently reasonable to me. And kudos to OP for (it seems) accurately listening and reporting what the guy's feelings were.

Maybe you were just trying to give OP something to hold onto to get through this, but I think unfairly painting him as a bad guy so she can dwell on that is not a healthy way to move on. There's no reason the relationship or the guy has to be seen as awful; just cut off contact and then let time heal.
posted by losvedir at 2:45 PM on June 12

1.Consciously (well, almost religiously) stay away from reminders/memories/sappy stuff (music/movies etc)
2.Consciously stay away from general sappy stuff (eg. dont read lovey-dovey relationship questions on askme or books/websites on dating or anything about couples/relationships etc)
3.Shift focus to yourself- you've got a year to live- what would you do?
4. I read somewhere recently that no relationship really lasts forever (ah- I think I remember now but given point #2, I cannot tell you till the next five years!). Its only till death (or other things) tear them apart. Something to reflect upon?
4."when your heart is on fire, smoke gets in your eyes".

I just wanted to write this last point.
posted by xm at 3:34 PM on June 12

Just disconnect from that previous life for a while. Make some new friends that don't know him, be places/parties where you know you won't run into him. It'll take a while and it'll be hard, but its really the only way.
posted by mattsweaters at 4:55 PM on June 12

Yes, definitely stop contact for a while (several months at a minimum).

For what it's worth, my ex pulled the same crap--when he dumped me, it was, 'Oh, my life is too difficult right now, I can't handle a relationship anymore, blah blah blah.' As we kept talking after the breakup it progressed to 'I was never sure I loved you, I didn't see a future for us, you were supposed to be a fling.'

Let me tell you, OP: this is BULLSHIT. This is him taking advantage of the fact that you're still talking to him by being the biggest asshole he can be for, well, no good reason at all. You do NOT DESERVE to be told that someone didn't love you for the last several months of your relationship, when you had no idea that there were problems at all. He broke up with you. It no longer matters what his reasons are; for long enough to actually tell you so, he didn't want to be with you anymore. Believe that. Take it to heart, and tell yourself that you deserve someone who won't make that kind of decision as lightly as he did. Do a lot of crying, eat a lot of ice cream and do a lot of yoga, and eventually start dating again. I recommend When Things Fall Apart, as referenced above, as well as Breakup Girl to the Rescue.

Do not be surprised if when you start pulling away and cease contact, your ex come back to you "realizing" what a big mistake he's made. This whole thing is a power play; don't fall for it. It's possible for a good relationship to end without the dumper resorting to "I didn't love you at all for the last few months". When that happens, it wasn't that great of a relationship, IMO.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:15 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

You will get over him just like "everyone else" has done with a SO & probably a little easier with the following advice. A lot of great music, poems & paintings were created from great pain. Try to channel all that energy that you are consuming with sadness into something wonderful & positive.
posted by sequin at 9:08 PM on June 12

I've seen this one from a few different angles in the past year. (1) As the dumper, (2) as the mentor to a dumpee... and (3) as the dumpee to formerly mentioned mentee.

My first gut reaction is that you do not have the full story about why he broke up with you. He might not fully know or have the right words. In any event, being depressed and unsure about the future could have led to any number of choices, some which might have brought you closer together. He chose to come apart, which is a valid choice and also says a lot about where his priorities are. They're not with you. Would you have wanted to live with that?

My ex from Case 1 probably experiences our break-up as inexplicably as you did. In my defense, I was light on the explanation because I don't think she was able to hear it without harm and she never fully asked (If this sounds lame, I'm being vague for confidentiality). I initiated extremely limited contact--let her have her space, because I read a lot of AskMe and I knew that was the best way to go. We're probably going to hang out a little soon and try to be friends, although I mostly just want to give her the chance to learn about my reasons (if she wants) because I have the words to explain it better now and she's in a really much better place as well.

In Case 2, my friends' ex was mysterious and blamed their separation and divorce on his depression. I told my friend the same thing that I'm telling you now, that depression in and of itself isn't a reason--it's a symptom of a reason. My friend eventually learned via social networking that her ex is gay.

In Case 3, we were friends for a while, I put on a brave face and felt great while we were talking but burned when we were apart. It was tolerable until I had to think about my own life and how to move forward in my career without all those other thoughts I had about our potential future. I eventually realized that I had stopped doing things for me and I was doing things that might lead to another chance. Finally stopped procrastinating on the Universal AskMe Unrequited Love advice of taking time away and explained my need for a period of no communication similarly to game warden to the events rhino's line: "you're doing it to try to maximize the chances of becoming good friends in the medium- to long-term, not because you hate him." We're about a week in. First 4 days were huge doubts, but I'm feeling better than I've felt in months right now. I did say I'd check in and let her know how this process is going from time to time and did that via email today, and even that sets me back significantly for a little while, but it's managable. I said I'd go two weeks before checking in next time.

Still hatching impossible get-'r-back schemes in my head, though, and they tangle into everything I do, but the tangle is visibly more mangable and perceivable with limited contact.

In any event, if you feel you want a fuller explanation, then you should, kindly but strongly, ask for it. Call him on his vague BS. Be prepared to not get it and know that you'll heal and find closure either way. Whether or not you get a better answer, you should take time apart. If only because your heart's best case scenario, getting back together, would end horribly if you don't both mature independently on your own in the interim.
posted by Skwirl at 11:32 PM on June 12

Hearing that he could no longer tell me he was in love with me pretty much did it for me. I had hopes that we could get back together. When we did hangout post break-up I wondered if he was the one person that understood me best. But when I realized that he had made up his mind, or that he had put what he wanted to do in front of potentially trying again, I was finally able to accept it. I'm not sure what will finally trigger this in you, but it will happen and you'll know you're ready to move on. It definitely helps to cut off all contact and to make sure this is clear. In other words, once it's understood by both parties that communication is over with completely, there can be no expectation, hope or disappointment. When you're not trapped by those feelings, you're able to get to a point where things become finalized. In other words, don't cut things off without telling him. Be honest: tell him that you're not going to be able to get over this unless you're no longer in one another's lives. Hopefully you know him well enough that he'll respect your wishes. One last thing: depression or not, when someone says they no longer love you they usually mean it. I cried and cried over this thought, but when he's being that plain about it, the only thing you can do is believe it.
posted by patientpatient at 6:32 PM on June 13