Wow, so that's a thing...
June 12, 2009 1:46 AM Subscribe
I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend. ...Yeah, that's a thing. What to do now?
So, I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend. And I'm not one to say that lightly. I've known him for a year and a half, and I've developed definite feelings for him over the past six months or so, since we've started actually talking more and having real conversations. I can't stop watching him; all the time, I want to move closer, to talk more deeply, to call him more often.
But my conscience says I can't, obviously. Because he's dating my best friend. Well, I guess my best friend. She's that friend who has been with me through a lot of hard stuff but who I have very little in common with. But we both indebted to each other. Which is valuable in this world. And I don't want to hurt her or to break her. She deserves a better friend than me right now. But I know, in a long run, a friendship where we can both get through our worst together is something special. It's just that I feel like we should both be genuinely there for each other during our best moments, too, and I am just failing utterly at that.
And I don't think he'd even be interested in me anyway. Or rather, I think he is interested, but he (like any decent human) would never stab his girlfriend in the back like that because he is (rightfully) more interested in and invested in her at the moment.
But, jeez, it's starting to make me ache a lot on the inside. To the point that it's hard for me to be around them, or to listen to each person talk about the other one. I keep wanting to just...I don't know. Say something. I get the urge to tell him, not because it would do anything but just so I don't feel like I'm lying all the time. But then I'm afraid I'll lose him. Or both of them. I'm afraid I'll lose them. Or hurt her.
Uhgh. Young, 20s, female. You'd think I could just find any other guy, "other fish in the sea," and move on, but it hasn't been working thus far. This has been developing over the past six months or so, slow and steady, until it is just this bothersome ache. And I know that it's very much my fault because I let him in. I made the decision to keep talking to him and getting to know him, even though I've known there has been potential there for this to develop. My best friend even told me months ago that she thinks he has a crush on me...
In summary:
Sorry for the long explanation, but I thought that with more info, you could offer some advice. What do I do with these feelings inside that just won't go away? Ignore them, find a way to distract myself, tell him but don't make a move, tell him and make a move, tell her? ADVICE, PLEASE!
So, I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend. And I'm not one to say that lightly. I've known him for a year and a half, and I've developed definite feelings for him over the past six months or so, since we've started actually talking more and having real conversations. I can't stop watching him; all the time, I want to move closer, to talk more deeply, to call him more often.
But my conscience says I can't, obviously. Because he's dating my best friend. Well, I guess my best friend. She's that friend who has been with me through a lot of hard stuff but who I have very little in common with. But we both indebted to each other. Which is valuable in this world. And I don't want to hurt her or to break her. She deserves a better friend than me right now. But I know, in a long run, a friendship where we can both get through our worst together is something special. It's just that I feel like we should both be genuinely there for each other during our best moments, too, and I am just failing utterly at that.
And I don't think he'd even be interested in me anyway. Or rather, I think he is interested, but he (like any decent human) would never stab his girlfriend in the back like that because he is (rightfully) more interested in and invested in her at the moment.
But, jeez, it's starting to make me ache a lot on the inside. To the point that it's hard for me to be around them, or to listen to each person talk about the other one. I keep wanting to just...I don't know. Say something. I get the urge to tell him, not because it would do anything but just so I don't feel like I'm lying all the time. But then I'm afraid I'll lose him. Or both of them. I'm afraid I'll lose them. Or hurt her.
Uhgh. Young, 20s, female. You'd think I could just find any other guy, "other fish in the sea," and move on, but it hasn't been working thus far. This has been developing over the past six months or so, slow and steady, until it is just this bothersome ache. And I know that it's very much my fault because I let him in. I made the decision to keep talking to him and getting to know him, even though I've known there has been potential there for this to develop. My best friend even told me months ago that she thinks he has a crush on me...
In summary:
Sorry for the long explanation, but I thought that with more info, you could offer some advice. What do I do with these feelings inside that just won't go away? Ignore them, find a way to distract myself, tell him but don't make a move, tell him and make a move, tell her? ADVICE, PLEASE!
Well, you can always hope they break up and if so start dating him like six months later.
posted by delmoi at 1:59 AM on June 12, 2009
posted by delmoi at 1:59 AM on June 12, 2009
Don't do any activities with either of them for at least three months. And don't tell either of them anything, that's your groin speaking. You're hoping either he'll make a move or you'll provoke enough chaos to break them up.
Start hanging out with a new group of people until you start finding some of the men attractive. It might be safe to hang out with this couple again once you've bedded/developed feelings for someone else.
posted by benzenedream at 2:01 AM on June 12, 2009
Start hanging out with a new group of people until you start finding some of the men attractive. It might be safe to hang out with this couple again once you've bedded/developed feelings for someone else.
posted by benzenedream at 2:01 AM on June 12, 2009
In general, there's no way you're ever going to be able to do anything with him and not lose your friend. Even if she totally dumps him and hooks up with someone super awesome, you'll still struggle, and that's your best case scenario. And if by some chance that happens and you go out with him with her blessing, you'll spend your entire time getting jealous with his relationship with his ex, of feeling inadequate compared to her, of constantly comparing your relationship etc.
In short: chances of you and him hooking up and being happy: pretty low.
Thus: ignore them, find a way to distract yourself and, honestly, eventually you'll move on. If you're in a multi-year relationship with someone and it ends badly, eventually you move on, so you'll definitely do that here.
Stop hanging around with them as much as normal will help you, finding new friends and hobbies blah blah blah, all the usual stuff but: honestly, it's so unlikely to work making a move/saying anything, and there's a great chance it'll just make things tedious that: don't do it.
posted by Hartster at 2:02 AM on June 12, 2009
In short: chances of you and him hooking up and being happy: pretty low.
Thus: ignore them, find a way to distract yourself and, honestly, eventually you'll move on. If you're in a multi-year relationship with someone and it ends badly, eventually you move on, so you'll definitely do that here.
Stop hanging around with them as much as normal will help you, finding new friends and hobbies blah blah blah, all the usual stuff but: honestly, it's so unlikely to work making a move/saying anything, and there's a great chance it'll just make things tedious that: don't do it.
posted by Hartster at 2:02 AM on June 12, 2009
You must keep this to yourself. Unrequited love sucks, but losing two people you care for sucks much worse. If you tell your friend, it will drive you two apart from the jealousy and conflict. She won't ever be able to interact with you without the thought of you stealing her boyfriend lurking in the back of her head. Tell her would be one of those situations you can never take back. Even if you tell her "I have feeling for him but I would never act on them" or "I used to have feeling for her but I won't anymore", the same still applies. In her mind you will be a boyfriend-stealer, not a friend.
The same also applies as to whether or not you should tell the guy. Unless he in some super-disciplined mega-person, the secret will inevitably leak back to your friend, and then the above applies.
He is dating your friend, not you, and that is his choice. That doesn't mean you are a worse person, or that your friend deserves him any more than you do. That's just the way the cards have fallen for the moment. Heartache develops in those idle moments of the mind. When you aren't doing anything else, the mind wanders off to think about what you can't have. I do think you need to distract yourself. Are there other guys in your social circle who are single and you could get to know better?
posted by arcolz at 2:08 AM on June 12, 2009
The same also applies as to whether or not you should tell the guy. Unless he in some super-disciplined mega-person, the secret will inevitably leak back to your friend, and then the above applies.
He is dating your friend, not you, and that is his choice. That doesn't mean you are a worse person, or that your friend deserves him any more than you do. That's just the way the cards have fallen for the moment. Heartache develops in those idle moments of the mind. When you aren't doing anything else, the mind wanders off to think about what you can't have. I do think you need to distract yourself. Are there other guys in your social circle who are single and you could get to know better?
posted by arcolz at 2:08 AM on June 12, 2009
Response by poster: This is good input. The situation is particularly touchy in that we will all be living in the same house for the next two months. Thus, I think, Hartster, arcolz, etc...you responses are particularly on target.
Much as it sounds "rah! rah!" liberating to actually tell someone about any of this, *everyone* (including myself) will probably be much better off if I just say nothing and develop some major distance. The moment of truth could maybe be fun but the aftermath will almost inevitably be a messy letdown.
Measure of my character, indeed. It's not even so much the desire hook up with him (though thats an element) so much as it is just the desire to confide in him, etc. I should have used more control over my feelings than I have been, but I think I can wake up tomorrow with the mindset that this is all so totally out of the realm of possibility that I might as well let go and move on.
posted by Alligator at 2:13 AM on June 12, 2009
Much as it sounds "rah! rah!" liberating to actually tell someone about any of this, *everyone* (including myself) will probably be much better off if I just say nothing and develop some major distance. The moment of truth could maybe be fun but the aftermath will almost inevitably be a messy letdown.
Measure of my character, indeed. It's not even so much the desire hook up with him (though thats an element) so much as it is just the desire to confide in him, etc. I should have used more control over my feelings than I have been, but I think I can wake up tomorrow with the mindset that this is all so totally out of the realm of possibility that I might as well let go and move on.
posted by Alligator at 2:13 AM on June 12, 2009
By the way, since you are all sharing a house, take some care to make sure they don't stumble upon this question, otherwise this is all moot. :P
posted by arcolz at 2:19 AM on June 12, 2009
posted by arcolz at 2:19 AM on June 12, 2009
You're young, just start dating some nice male friend : list the guys who make effort to hang out with you, pick one, hang out, kiss him, see how stuff goes. You'll get over this guy real fast once you're fucking someone else.
Anybody got the source for the approximate quote : A guy sees his friend has a nice girl, he thinks "yeah, I should get a girl like her". A girl thinks "I want him".
posted by jeffburdges at 2:20 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anybody got the source for the approximate quote : A guy sees his friend has a nice girl, he thinks "yeah, I should get a girl like her". A girl thinks "I want him".
posted by jeffburdges at 2:20 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm seconding the "don't tell anyone," even though it might feel liberating. Do you have any good friends far off (20 spheres away from this social circle, chances of contact with these people almost nonexistent) whom you can tell? That way it'll get off your chest but won't get back to this couple?
I'm in my early 20s, too. I've pined after men who were in relationships and/or emotionally unavailable, and now I'm dating a guy who I like.... who . . . . likes me back! One thing I didn't expect was how much better it felt to be in a situation where we're both honest with each other about how we feel, and we both like each other, than it is to be pining after someone on a pedastal somewhere. This relationship may not last forever, but one thing I won't EVER do again is pine after someone who isn't available to actually date me for x reason (OK, Robert Pattinson is an exception). I'm serious. Please just sift through men and start dating until you find someone who can give you what you *deserve*. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe you'll go off dating, get your mind off BFF's Boyfriend and then some time later, he might become available. Who knows? I bet you'll find someone better, though.
Also, it is my personal opinion that the reason other people's boyfriends are so attractive to single women is because they're already playing the "boyfriend" role to someone. Therefore, it's easier to imagine them as *your* boyfriend, whereas single men are still off sowing wild oats and such, and you'd actually have to go through the trouble of cultivating a relationship together before carving out your own respective "boyfriend/girlfriend" roles.
posted by Dukat at 2:34 AM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
I'm in my early 20s, too. I've pined after men who were in relationships and/or emotionally unavailable, and now I'm dating a guy who I like.... who . . . . likes me back! One thing I didn't expect was how much better it felt to be in a situation where we're both honest with each other about how we feel, and we both like each other, than it is to be pining after someone on a pedastal somewhere. This relationship may not last forever, but one thing I won't EVER do again is pine after someone who isn't available to actually date me for x reason (OK, Robert Pattinson is an exception). I'm serious. Please just sift through men and start dating until you find someone who can give you what you *deserve*. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe you'll go off dating, get your mind off BFF's Boyfriend and then some time later, he might become available. Who knows? I bet you'll find someone better, though.
Also, it is my personal opinion that the reason other people's boyfriends are so attractive to single women is because they're already playing the "boyfriend" role to someone. Therefore, it's easier to imagine them as *your* boyfriend, whereas single men are still off sowing wild oats and such, and you'd actually have to go through the trouble of cultivating a relationship together before carving out your own respective "boyfriend/girlfriend" roles.
posted by Dukat at 2:34 AM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
It's worth remembering that the feelings will pass, and that you won't feel like this about him forever. For real. Also, it's pretty difficult to be fair to a friend when you're feeling like this, when it's tempting to compare yourself to her to try to just understand why it's her and not you, but if you can step back and appreciate her by herself, it sounds like you have a friendship well worth preserving, even if it takes a lot of effort on your part to be a friend to her for a little while.
I think it's very tempting to tell THE TRUTH and imagine that honesty will be the best thing for everyone involved. It's not always a good plan, and sometimes it's like using it as a weapon, where you're very unlikely to come out winning and almost certain to hurt everyone involved. That's not liberating, except in the few seconds before the other people respond to what you've said. Being friends with both of them as your affection for him slowly cools off a bit and you get involved with someone else? Much braver and harder, and more worthwhile.
posted by carbide at 3:49 AM on June 12, 2009
I think it's very tempting to tell THE TRUTH and imagine that honesty will be the best thing for everyone involved. It's not always a good plan, and sometimes it's like using it as a weapon, where you're very unlikely to come out winning and almost certain to hurt everyone involved. That's not liberating, except in the few seconds before the other people respond to what you've said. Being friends with both of them as your affection for him slowly cools off a bit and you get involved with someone else? Much braver and harder, and more worthwhile.
posted by carbide at 3:49 AM on June 12, 2009
Forget it and take it to the grave.
You can't imagine yet the dumb crap you did that you'll regret when you're facing forty, or at least, the dumb crap I did at twenty (and, sigh, at thirty) that I deeply regret now. One of my biggest mistakes was thinking that just because I felt something it was Really Important and required Action independent of any logic. It sounds like you (unlike me) have the sense to be questioning whether or not to do anything, and since you've already got that advantage over your emotions you're in a position to not do something dumb.
It's sort of like, you're drunk, but not so drunk that you'll get in a car and drive, just drunk enough to recognize, hey, I'm drunk so I probably shouldn't drive. There's a tipping point in bad decision making where making the bad decision is inevitable. I don't think you're there.
Stop and pull back while you can.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:57 AM on June 12, 2009 [26 favorites]
You can't imagine yet the dumb crap you did that you'll regret when you're facing forty, or at least, the dumb crap I did at twenty (and, sigh, at thirty) that I deeply regret now. One of my biggest mistakes was thinking that just because I felt something it was Really Important and required Action independent of any logic. It sounds like you (unlike me) have the sense to be questioning whether or not to do anything, and since you've already got that advantage over your emotions you're in a position to not do something dumb.
It's sort of like, you're drunk, but not so drunk that you'll get in a car and drive, just drunk enough to recognize, hey, I'm drunk so I probably shouldn't drive. There's a tipping point in bad decision making where making the bad decision is inevitable. I don't think you're there.
Stop and pull back while you can.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:57 AM on June 12, 2009 [26 favorites]
This is just going to be one of those sucky phases of life where you have to start doing new things, random things that aren't what you really exactly want to be doing (hanging out with other friends, maybe going on some dates...?) until by trial and error you find something else you really care about, either a person or a goal (e.g., take a backpacking trip through Europe) and that becomes your new love. In the meantime, definitely do those weird things. Start rock climbing or take an improv class or something.
posted by salvia at 3:58 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 3:58 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
Don't say anything. Don't make any advances. Put the brakes on your feelings. Get out of the house as much as you can. You need to put yourself in situations where you can meet another man who becomes the focus of your thoughts.
You do NOT want to move in on your best friend's boyfriend unless you want to hurt everyone including you in the process. And you've said you don't want to, so the course of action here is really quite clear. You also don't want to say anything, because even just saying something may cause the same hurt and pain as taking action would have.
Spend less time with them. Work on your own hobbies or interests. Join a club where you will meet new people, go to bars, whatever works for you. You need to get out and get fishing instead of observing the fish someone else has caught and wishing it was yours.
posted by Meagan at 4:25 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You do NOT want to move in on your best friend's boyfriend unless you want to hurt everyone including you in the process. And you've said you don't want to, so the course of action here is really quite clear. You also don't want to say anything, because even just saying something may cause the same hurt and pain as taking action would have.
Spend less time with them. Work on your own hobbies or interests. Join a club where you will meet new people, go to bars, whatever works for you. You need to get out and get fishing instead of observing the fish someone else has caught and wishing it was yours.
posted by Meagan at 4:25 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You know, you might even just get a fuck buddy, pick some nice friend who doesn't seem impossible as a boyfriend, but doesn't know these two, then explain that your looking for a fuck buddy for exactly this reason.
It's fine also saying that you want the possibility of it becoming a relationship and you want him to be all romantic and stuff, but just tell him you want to use him for sex so you don't fuck up other friendships.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:32 AM on June 12, 2009
It's fine also saying that you want the possibility of it becoming a relationship and you want him to be all romantic and stuff, but just tell him you want to use him for sex so you don't fuck up other friendships.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:32 AM on June 12, 2009
Look, everyone has a pretty good idea about what the morally "right" thing to do is, but ultimately this comes down to you figuring out what you want. If you want to keep them both as friends, then you take this secret to the grave and do whatever you can to distract yourself: new hobbies, new guys, whatever.
But if what you would value most is a relationship with this man and you're willing to sacrifice your friendship for it, then either you wait it out if you think they might not necessarily last and then make your move, or make your intentions known and hope for the best (if you think you've got a chance considering what your friend told you about his feelings).
Figure out your priorities, and the rest should be pretty easy to work out.
posted by Grimble at 4:52 AM on June 12, 2009
But if what you would value most is a relationship with this man and you're willing to sacrifice your friendship for it, then either you wait it out if you think they might not necessarily last and then make your move, or make your intentions known and hope for the best (if you think you've got a chance considering what your friend told you about his feelings).
Figure out your priorities, and the rest should be pretty easy to work out.
posted by Grimble at 4:52 AM on June 12, 2009
Forget it and take it to the grave.
Best answer of the bunch.
Do nothing about it. Say nothing about it. Back off from the man. Yes, this is all nthing what's already been said. It is, however, stellar advice.
One of the measures of a truly decent person is the willingness to choose what is obviously right over what we really want.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:23 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer of the bunch.
Do nothing about it. Say nothing about it. Back off from the man. Yes, this is all nthing what's already been said. It is, however, stellar advice.
One of the measures of a truly decent person is the willingness to choose what is obviously right over what we really want.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:23 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Another thing to remember if you start feeling like you want to confess-- What's the very best thing that could happen when you tell him? He responds "yeah, I'm really into you, too. I'll go dump my GF real quick." Well, then you've got yourself the kind of guy who will fall in love or just sleep with your friends. Great.... If he's really a nice guy, then a confession will not get you what you want anyway.
Go find some new friends and you'll probably be surprised how much you can get your mind off of him if you try.
posted by parkerjackson at 5:38 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
Go find some new friends and you'll probably be surprised how much you can get your mind off of him if you try.
posted by parkerjackson at 5:38 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
You need a nice, new, shiny hobby that gets you out of the house and around other people. Quick. Is there a thing you always wanted to try out but put off because you didn't think you'd have enough time to devote? Some kind of volunteer work, or a class, or a group with whom you'd like to get involved?
Poor Alligator. This is going to hurt for awhile, but it'll get better. Concentrate on your friendship with the girl, avoid her boyfriend. And don't confess anything.
posted by desuetude at 6:21 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Poor Alligator. This is going to hurt for awhile, but it'll get better. Concentrate on your friendship with the girl, avoid her boyfriend. And don't confess anything.
posted by desuetude at 6:21 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
She's that friend who has been with me through a lot of hard stuff but who I have very little in common with. But we both indebted to each other. Which is valuable in this world. And I don't want to hurt her or to break her. She deserves a better friend than me right now.
You've got this backwards.
We all have the urge to do bad shit now and again. But you're questioning that urge. That makes you an especially good friend, not a bad one — and remembering to frame the situation that way will make it that much easier to keep your eyes, hands and brain off this guy.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:21 AM on June 12, 2009 [4 favorites]
You've got this backwards.
We all have the urge to do bad shit now and again. But you're questioning that urge. That makes you an especially good friend, not a bad one — and remembering to frame the situation that way will make it that much easier to keep your eyes, hands and brain off this guy.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:21 AM on June 12, 2009 [4 favorites]
Lots of really great advice here.
I'd echo someone else above who pointed out that this is infatuation, not love. I say this not to minimize your pain, but because, in my experience, thinking to yourself "but I'm in love!" prolongs the drama and makes it harder to move on.
Also, something to think about: you seem torn between wanting to get over this and wanting to prolong the drama. Agreeing to live with this couple is an example of something that will prolong the drama. I say this because the time I found myself in a similar situation in my early 20s, at the time, it felt like I was stuck being close to the unavailable object of my infatuation, and it was torturous. But looking back, I made many decisions that kept him close, and kept the drama going. It's understandable if there's part of you that likes the drama. We all want to feel like the main character in an exciting story. But it won't help you get over this guy.
posted by lunasol at 6:27 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'd echo someone else above who pointed out that this is infatuation, not love. I say this not to minimize your pain, but because, in my experience, thinking to yourself "but I'm in love!" prolongs the drama and makes it harder to move on.
Also, something to think about: you seem torn between wanting to get over this and wanting to prolong the drama. Agreeing to live with this couple is an example of something that will prolong the drama. I say this because the time I found myself in a similar situation in my early 20s, at the time, it felt like I was stuck being close to the unavailable object of my infatuation, and it was torturous. But looking back, I made many decisions that kept him close, and kept the drama going. It's understandable if there's part of you that likes the drama. We all want to feel like the main character in an exciting story. But it won't help you get over this guy.
posted by lunasol at 6:27 AM on June 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
Do not, do not, do not drink with or around these two. That's the surest way to keep this cat in the bag, which is the best thing you can do. Being drunk makes being confessional soooooo much more tempting, best to just avoid it around them.
Also, spend a lot of time out of the house. Make sure there is very, very little time when you and he are the only ones home. If it looks like you two will be the only ones home at some point, go for a run, go to the grocery store, go to the coffee shop, go wherever, but severely limit your time together.
When this passes, you will feel so much better about yourself if you've never said a word. And it will pass.
posted by amelioration at 6:29 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, spend a lot of time out of the house. Make sure there is very, very little time when you and he are the only ones home. If it looks like you two will be the only ones home at some point, go for a run, go to the grocery store, go to the coffee shop, go wherever, but severely limit your time together.
When this passes, you will feel so much better about yourself if you've never said a word. And it will pass.
posted by amelioration at 6:29 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Nthing this being infatuation. The other thing you need to do is learn to cope better with outside stressors which cause you to think about him. Right now, thinking about him is your favorite waste of time, as the song goes. Try and figure out things you might be avoiding thinking about. When you start thinking about the boy, think about something you don't want to think about, like work problems or school issues.
Time will deflate this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:50 AM on June 12, 2009
Time will deflate this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:50 AM on June 12, 2009
You distract yourself, with a new hobby and/or a brand new boyfriend. I know the there's no fish in the sea feeling, and I have in the past made some bad, bad decisions while I was caught up in that feeling. Looking back, I find it hard to remember why I felt like feeling that way was a good reason to do something I knew was stupid. Good for you for stopping to think this one through.
He is off limits. Even if the two of them were to break up, he is off limits. Even if he weren't off limits, you couldn't ever end up with him and not end up questioning what kind of guy breaks up with his girlfriend and dates her best friend.
It sucks to not be able to talk to your friend about this, but this is one of those hits you take for your friends.
Forget it and take it to the grave is some really wise advice. So is not getting drunk with them.
posted by KAS at 7:07 AM on June 12, 2009
He is off limits. Even if the two of them were to break up, he is off limits. Even if he weren't off limits, you couldn't ever end up with him and not end up questioning what kind of guy breaks up with his girlfriend and dates her best friend.
It sucks to not be able to talk to your friend about this, but this is one of those hits you take for your friends.
Forget it and take it to the grave is some really wise advice. So is not getting drunk with them.
posted by KAS at 7:07 AM on June 12, 2009
I think everyone is right but I'd like to add that it's not a moral failing to be attracted to this guy, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it. People can be attractive sometimes.
posted by jon_kill at 7:13 AM on June 12, 2009
posted by jon_kill at 7:13 AM on June 12, 2009
Get drunk, have threesome, and really complicate things..... Oh wait you want you know what to do and not what's bouncing around in my perverted mind.
Well I was totally into my bro's chick once. Nearly the same situation you are in now. I just sucked it up and said my brother means more to me than any girl. You have to see it this way, who have you known the longest? Probably your GF. Your loyalties should be with your friend first. Don't ruin a long friendship over some guy. Be an adult and put your emotions aside. Sorry for the bluntness but that is the right thing to do.
Lastly to cover a break up: My friends and I have a rule about exs: "you ask first." Nothing shows a lack of respect for a friend than dating his ex. Again sorry but you are going to have to find some other forbidden fruit to taste. Cheer up it's the weekend.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:19 AM on June 12, 2009
Well I was totally into my bro's chick once. Nearly the same situation you are in now. I just sucked it up and said my brother means more to me than any girl. You have to see it this way, who have you known the longest? Probably your GF. Your loyalties should be with your friend first. Don't ruin a long friendship over some guy. Be an adult and put your emotions aside. Sorry for the bluntness but that is the right thing to do.
Lastly to cover a break up: My friends and I have a rule about exs: "you ask first." Nothing shows a lack of respect for a friend than dating his ex. Again sorry but you are going to have to find some other forbidden fruit to taste. Cheer up it's the weekend.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:19 AM on June 12, 2009
I think everyone is right but I'd like to add that it's not a moral failing to be attracted to this guy, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it. People can be attractive sometimes.
I agree. You're in a tricky situation for dealing with it fairly, sure, but don't beat yourself up for liking the guy. Especially since doing so could possibly trigger the sexy allure of "forbidden lurve!" in your head, which will make it harder for you to continue being rational about this situation.
I don't really get the insistence that this be dismissed as infatuation, though. She didn't meet him yesterday, and they have had a deepening friendship of their own. But we all mean different things by "in love," too, I guess.
posted by desuetude at 7:34 AM on June 12, 2009
I agree. You're in a tricky situation for dealing with it fairly, sure, but don't beat yourself up for liking the guy. Especially since doing so could possibly trigger the sexy allure of "forbidden lurve!" in your head, which will make it harder for you to continue being rational about this situation.
I don't really get the insistence that this be dismissed as infatuation, though. She didn't meet him yesterday, and they have had a deepening friendship of their own. But we all mean different things by "in love," too, I guess.
posted by desuetude at 7:34 AM on June 12, 2009
we will all be living in the same house for the next two months.
Is there any way you can change these plans? Because I can think of very few ways in which that would go well.
posted by ook at 7:38 AM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
Is there any way you can change these plans? Because I can think of very few ways in which that would go well.
posted by ook at 7:38 AM on June 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
Might I add that your feelings are probably intensified by the drama of "you can't have him". I wonder if he wasn't dating your best friend if your feelings would be as strong. Because obsession is like a vortex, you think something but because you can't do it you want it more, but because you feel bad wanting it you try not to think about it, which leads to thinking about it more, which leads to "I'm in LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"
I've been there; had it happen to me. You have such strong urges that you think it's love, you idealize the other person, etc.
Nthing what's said above about finding new friends, friends with benefits, etc. Take up a hobby. Get out of the house. Get your mind off of it.
In a year you'll laugh at this. Trust me.
posted by arniec at 7:41 AM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]
I've been there; had it happen to me. You have such strong urges that you think it's love, you idealize the other person, etc.
Nthing what's said above about finding new friends, friends with benefits, etc. Take up a hobby. Get out of the house. Get your mind off of it.
In a year you'll laugh at this. Trust me.
posted by arniec at 7:41 AM on June 12, 2009 [3 favorites]
Nothing in your question describes love. You are infatuated. Its just not that complicated.
posted by RajahKing at 7:52 AM on June 12, 2009
posted by RajahKing at 7:52 AM on June 12, 2009
Get your own boyfriend.
posted by rhizome at 9:56 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 9:56 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You're enjoying the ache, and nurturing it. That's not an accusation or criticism; it's just a theory, based on my own experiences. You know there can be no love relationship, but you still indulge via your imagination, because it feels good (even though it's very frustrating). Treat it the way you would any harmful habit -- the solution for you depends on what works for you when you have to give up anything that's fun but doing you no good. It'll be hard, because you'll miss the fantasies and the feeling of longing, but cold turkey is best. I'm not saying you should avoid him completely, only that deep personal conversations have to be a thing of the past. When you're alone with him, you have to go out of your way to keep your contact ultra-chaste and platonic. Maybe you can imagine you're being watched, and the benevolent watcher knows when you're keeping the infatuation at arm's length.
The first couple or several things you try might not work for long, so you should keep coming up with new things to distract you. Also, it's worked for me to actively notice the guy's flaws and shortcomings.
posted by wryly at 10:14 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
The first couple or several things you try might not work for long, so you should keep coming up with new things to distract you. Also, it's worked for me to actively notice the guy's flaws and shortcomings.
posted by wryly at 10:14 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
This will not be the last time this happens to you. You may have feelings for someone 50 years from now that get you all jumbled like this, even though you've been happily married to someone else for 45 of those years.
I'm basically saying that you're human and at some point in your life you will be attracted to someone who is completely off limits for any number of reasons.
Feel the feelings, let them fade, and continue on with life. Do only that which you will be proud of at the end of the day.
posted by agentwills at 10:19 AM on June 12, 2009
I'm basically saying that you're human and at some point in your life you will be attracted to someone who is completely off limits for any number of reasons.
Feel the feelings, let them fade, and continue on with life. Do only that which you will be proud of at the end of the day.
posted by agentwills at 10:19 AM on June 12, 2009
Romantic partners come and go, your character does not.
posted by paultopia at 10:20 AM on June 12, 2009
posted by paultopia at 10:20 AM on June 12, 2009
As a forty-something man who has two 40-something female friends:
One who after 5 years of marriage and two kids found out that her husband and her best friend were having an affair...they are now married for 15 years
The other, whose best friend helped her husband throw her a surprise 40th birthday party (while they were having an affair) and then concluded the party, once all the guests had left, by essentially saying they were running off together (but didn't want to ruin her birthday, I guess).
You can either be a best friend or not (make the choice). The fallout can be everlasting if you remain in the same social circles.
posted by teg4rvn at 10:55 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
One who after 5 years of marriage and two kids found out that her husband and her best friend were having an affair...they are now married for 15 years
The other, whose best friend helped her husband throw her a surprise 40th birthday party (while they were having an affair) and then concluded the party, once all the guests had left, by essentially saying they were running off together (but didn't want to ruin her birthday, I guess).
You can either be a best friend or not (make the choice). The fallout can be everlasting if you remain in the same social circles.
posted by teg4rvn at 10:55 AM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
are you an artistic type? maybe you could channel/ "burn off" some of this angst into some kick-ass art.... just a thought
posted by mrmarley at 12:30 PM on June 12, 2009
posted by mrmarley at 12:30 PM on June 12, 2009
Alligator, I think you're going in the right direction but the only problem I see with your approach is the part where you convince yourself that hooking up with him is outside the realm of possibility. If he's told his gf that he has a crush on you, then it IS possible. What you need to do is choose not to persue it.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:35 PM on June 12, 2009
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:35 PM on June 12, 2009
yeah, okay, so . . .
a lot of good advice here.
now for something completely different:
you know how after you've been in a relationship for a while, you start to notice some particular trait about your partner that at first is a wee tiny bit irritating, but after a while is just like sandpaper on sunburn? yeah, well, since you're going to be living with this guy and he's off-limits, figure out what that irritant is, or would be if you were actually in a relationship with him. cherish this flaw of his in your heart. let yourself think, "ick, i hate it when he does the surreptitious nose-pick; does he think no one notices?" or "AAAUgh! not the monkey laugh again!" you see, what you'll be doing is just skipping forward to your breaking-up-with-him time, but hey! without the agony of the breakup! allow yourself to feel relieved at having dodged the bullet.
i mean, sure, were you actually in a relationship, the monkey laugh or whatever would have to be something you came to grips with in some way, and you can even let yourself be aware of that in the back of your head, but just think: you don't have to work out that problem! you're free! just smile a secret smile as you step out the door with your date or lean into your fresh shiny new hobby, content in the knowledge that you don't have to put up with it.
i'm really not being flip, and i hope you don't think i'm minimizing your distress because i'm old and have forgotten what it was like to be crushing on an inappropriate person; boy, do i ever know what you're talking about. i'm honestly suggesting this sort of silly, rather light-hearted course of action because, well, its very silliness can help bust you out of the deadly-seriousness of the forbidden crush. and it has worked for me. you don't have to hate or even dislike the guy--heck, you can even like and admire him--but this can, along with the other strategies suggested above, help you get your head in a better place.
i wish you all the best.
posted by miss patrish at 8:01 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
a lot of good advice here.
now for something completely different:
you know how after you've been in a relationship for a while, you start to notice some particular trait about your partner that at first is a wee tiny bit irritating, but after a while is just like sandpaper on sunburn? yeah, well, since you're going to be living with this guy and he's off-limits, figure out what that irritant is, or would be if you were actually in a relationship with him. cherish this flaw of his in your heart. let yourself think, "ick, i hate it when he does the surreptitious nose-pick; does he think no one notices?" or "AAAUgh! not the monkey laugh again!" you see, what you'll be doing is just skipping forward to your breaking-up-with-him time, but hey! without the agony of the breakup! allow yourself to feel relieved at having dodged the bullet.
i mean, sure, were you actually in a relationship, the monkey laugh or whatever would have to be something you came to grips with in some way, and you can even let yourself be aware of that in the back of your head, but just think: you don't have to work out that problem! you're free! just smile a secret smile as you step out the door with your date or lean into your fresh shiny new hobby, content in the knowledge that you don't have to put up with it.
i'm really not being flip, and i hope you don't think i'm minimizing your distress because i'm old and have forgotten what it was like to be crushing on an inappropriate person; boy, do i ever know what you're talking about. i'm honestly suggesting this sort of silly, rather light-hearted course of action because, well, its very silliness can help bust you out of the deadly-seriousness of the forbidden crush. and it has worked for me. you don't have to hate or even dislike the guy--heck, you can even like and admire him--but this can, along with the other strategies suggested above, help you get your head in a better place.
i wish you all the best.
posted by miss patrish at 8:01 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I found myself incredibly attracted to someone I worked with. I was with someone, he was with someone, and though it was very possible the attraction was mutual, nothing could ever happen (I don't roll like that).
Two things helped me keep things in sane perspective:
1. I knew that I was ideating. That is to say, my crush was partly based on the reality of who he was, and partly the product of my own mind filling in the blanks with what I wanted to see. By reminding myself that the person I was crushing on was only partly the real person I was interacting with, I was able to keep a little useful mental distance between me and the real thing.
2. I made a point of getting to know his girlfriend. I made a point of bringing her into conversations with him on a regular basis, i.e. not "what are you doing this weekend," but "what are you and GF doing this weekend?" This kept me grounded in the reality of his attachment to her, kept me reminded of the person who would be hurt should I pursue this attraction, and of course put him into boyfriend mode as opposed to male with female mode.
So: remember that at least part of the whole mental image you have of him is your own mind filling in the blanks to make him perfect. Remember his girlfriend, and make sure you both think of her by bringing her into conversation as a positive object.
It worked for me.
posted by Billegible at 9:00 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Two things helped me keep things in sane perspective:
1. I knew that I was ideating. That is to say, my crush was partly based on the reality of who he was, and partly the product of my own mind filling in the blanks with what I wanted to see. By reminding myself that the person I was crushing on was only partly the real person I was interacting with, I was able to keep a little useful mental distance between me and the real thing.
2. I made a point of getting to know his girlfriend. I made a point of bringing her into conversations with him on a regular basis, i.e. not "what are you doing this weekend," but "what are you and GF doing this weekend?" This kept me grounded in the reality of his attachment to her, kept me reminded of the person who would be hurt should I pursue this attraction, and of course put him into boyfriend mode as opposed to male with female mode.
So: remember that at least part of the whole mental image you have of him is your own mind filling in the blanks to make him perfect. Remember his girlfriend, and make sure you both think of her by bringing her into conversation as a positive object.
It worked for me.
posted by Billegible at 9:00 PM on June 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
...best friend helped her husband throw her a surprise 40th birthday party (while they were having an affair) and then concluded the party, once all the guests had left, by essentially saying they were running off together...
Good gods. And I thought my 40th birthday was bad. (It was, but still...)
What do I do with these feelings inside that just won't go away?
You stop feeding them.
I don't mean for that to sound flippant. You can't will your feelings away, but you can make the choice to stop adding additional mental fuel (fantasies, romantic thoughts, etc.) to the dangerous fire you're playing with here. When you catch yourself crushing hard, do whatever you need to do to shift your focus elsewhere. Don't berate yourself when you slip; just keep steering yourself away, bit by bit, every day, every hour if necessary. Take it one day at a time. Let your conscience guide you. If it helps, think of this process as a way of strengthening your emotional "muscles."
You will make this easier on yourself (and him too, it sounds like) if you can somehow manage to get out of that shared living situation, or at least stay away from the place as much as possible.
Good luck. You sound sensible, level-headed, and wise beyond your years. You can do this. It'll be hard, but you'll never regret it. Be strong.
posted by velvet winter at 1:22 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Good gods. And I thought my 40th birthday was bad. (It was, but still...)
What do I do with these feelings inside that just won't go away?
You stop feeding them.
I don't mean for that to sound flippant. You can't will your feelings away, but you can make the choice to stop adding additional mental fuel (fantasies, romantic thoughts, etc.) to the dangerous fire you're playing with here. When you catch yourself crushing hard, do whatever you need to do to shift your focus elsewhere. Don't berate yourself when you slip; just keep steering yourself away, bit by bit, every day, every hour if necessary. Take it one day at a time. Let your conscience guide you. If it helps, think of this process as a way of strengthening your emotional "muscles."
You will make this easier on yourself (and him too, it sounds like) if you can somehow manage to get out of that shared living situation, or at least stay away from the place as much as possible.
Good luck. You sound sensible, level-headed, and wise beyond your years. You can do this. It'll be hard, but you'll never regret it. Be strong.
posted by velvet winter at 1:22 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
One other point that I think hasn't been made yet...imagine you do get together with this guy.
For a while, he might be all "Woo - this girl betrayed her best friend to be with me; woah, I'm the man!!!1!"
But it won't take long for that to distill into "This person would betray their best friend?!??"
Trust is essential in relationships; one of the easiest ways to pre-emptively destroy it is to start with a betrayal.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:07 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
For a while, he might be all "Woo - this girl betrayed her best friend to be with me; woah, I'm the man!!!1!"
But it won't take long for that to distill into "This person would betray their best friend?!??"
Trust is essential in relationships; one of the easiest ways to pre-emptively destroy it is to start with a betrayal.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:07 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
In any "if things were different, Guy X would be a fantastic option" situations, it's important to remember that if Guy X weren't in the relationship he's in, he might be a very different Guy X. You've seen time travel movies: if you change one variable, a lot of other stuff you'd never guess changes too.
Also, what the Llama and Billegible said. Your feelings are urgent and that's painful, but acting on them won't make you feel any better and will yield bad results. Doing the right thing offers some compensation in itself and will permit all of you to be friends with no pain at all once the crush subsides. (Which it eventually will.)
As agentwills says, this isn't the last time you'll go through this. Be kind to yourself.
posted by tangerine at 4:32 PM on June 13, 2009
Also, what the Llama and Billegible said. Your feelings are urgent and that's painful, but acting on them won't make you feel any better and will yield bad results. Doing the right thing offers some compensation in itself and will permit all of you to be friends with no pain at all once the crush subsides. (Which it eventually will.)
As agentwills says, this isn't the last time you'll go through this. Be kind to yourself.
posted by tangerine at 4:32 PM on June 13, 2009
A guy sees his friend has a nice girl, he thinks "yeah, I should get a girl like her". A girl thinks "I want him".
That's Chris Rock. Listen to his wisdom.
posted by amicamentis at 2:52 PM on June 16, 2009
That's Chris Rock. Listen to his wisdom.
posted by amicamentis at 2:52 PM on June 16, 2009
« Older Export starred items, then auto-delete? | Travel tips for Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia, Slovenia. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Move off, quit talking to him, do other things instead of being drawn into their activities. This is definitely a measure of your character, and if you can't leave your best friend's SO to her, you'll deserve the kind of SO you thusly get.
3 billion+ fish in the human ocean, and you can't find one, much less 10 or 15 for yourself? Please. You're not really trying...
posted by paulsc at 1:56 AM on June 12, 2009 [15 favorites]