Generational Sexual Wisdom

June 9, 2009 3:20 PM

To age 30+ men and women: If you could have asked one question about sex of your mom or dad or another adult when you were 18-22 and gotten a full answer, what would you have asked and what would your answer to that question be now?
posted by nnevvinn to Human Relations (21 answers total)

None. By 18, I already knew most of what I was capable at that point in my life of understanding about sex. Anything I didn't know was stuff that either became true for me later on (such as my beliefs about the role of sex in relationships) or that I wouldn't have understood or believed if someone had told me at the time, especially an older authority figure.

The time to talk to your kids about sex is middle school or earlier.
posted by decathecting at 3:25 PM on June 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

By the time I was 18-22, mom and dad were the last people I wanted to ask about sex.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:28 PM on June 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

What decathecting. By the time I was 18 I was wishing my mom would STOP talking about sex.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:29 PM on June 9, 2009

I agree that by that age, I knew more than I needed to about the mechanics. And we didn't even have internet porn back then.

I think what I needed to know was, "now how do I get someone to do it with me?." or advice about how to approach someone I was attracted to. Not really "sex" advice as just "how to talk to girls" advice.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:34 PM on June 9, 2009

18-22? seconding too late for me. My parents gave me excellent books as an early teen (eg. Our Bodies Our Selves- this was before the internets). My parents were not helpful at all in terms of relationships, but not because they were not willing to talk. What would be helpful to know? One thing is that the person you are (and that your partner is) at 18-22 is not the same person at 25 or 30. Sex and relationships need to be understood in that context, and I think that is important to know at 18-22.
posted by kch at 3:35 PM on June 9, 2009

In the space between 18 and 22, my parents divorced and I got married. We lived in two very different spheres of existence regarding sex and relationships.
posted by theraflu at 3:37 PM on June 9, 2009

I feel like what I most wish I could have talked more with my mom about sex would have had to do with how she understood it when she was my age - less anything really informational, that you could find from any source, but more how she related to it - what did her parents teach her? what were schools teaching? what did she believe and not believe? how did her views change as she grew older? what did she learn from good or bad sexual experiences? how did she deal with sexual assault? how much did she/does she talk with her peers about sex? Are there things she regrets either doing or not doing? Really, the personal stuff that's about getting to know your parents as people.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:41 PM on June 9, 2009

The advice I'd give a parent, regardless of how experienced their kid might be, is to assume they know nothing, and talk about everything. That point that small_ruminant reached, where she wished her mom would STOP talking about it -- that's what you want to aim for.
posted by hermitosis at 3:48 PM on June 9, 2009

I'm 23, so apologies for disobeying the 30+ request, but I learned in the past couple years that men will have sex with women even if they don't like them or find them attractive. As a young women who (like most, I'd posit) had a degree of self-esteem issues, I sorely wish I had known this in the time period you're posing.
posted by emilyd22222 at 3:52 PM on June 9, 2009

I would say the issues I would ask about would be the emotional issues surrounding sex; bit the physical ones. I might have asked how to have open conversations about sex with your partner without too much drama.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:52 PM on June 9, 2009

After having gone through two miscarriages (well, my wife) I wouldn't necessarily have asked them about sex as much as the process of having children. It is turning out now, in our mid-thirties, to not be as simple as either of us had thought. It would have been helpful to talk about those things.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:53 PM on June 9, 2009

Yeah, when I was that age I was pretty sure I knew everything my parents could have possibly known about sex and then some.

I'm not sure if I would have used the opportunity, but I would have liked to know that I could have asked my mom about sex issues if I needed to. I have a feeling she would have been willing to sit down and listen, but I never got a clear "if you have questions I'm here for you" sort of message, so I never felt really comfortable bringing it up.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:01 PM on June 9, 2009

Q: "Mom and Dad, can you please promise never to talk about sex with me?"

A: "Okie dokie!"


Erm, lest I be accused of not answering the question, I think there's a generation gap that is much more noticeable regarding sex than it is in other areas of life. I don't think I'd want sex advice from someone a generation older, when that advice is likely to be less about a healthy, respectful and satisfying sex life and more about conforming to repressive societal "norms."


and yeah, we may all be adults now but they are still my parents and talking about sex with them will always be icky.
posted by AV at 4:01 PM on June 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ask....my parents? About sex? No thanks. I kind of wished I had a cool aunt to ask things of, though. But I think even then my questions would be about how to have a solid relationship (as I am still figuring that shit out, in my 30s), not so much focusing on sex.
posted by medeine at 4:06 PM on June 9, 2009

I was pretty fortunate. My mom bought me the girl's version of "Our Body, Our Selves" when I was about 9 or so, so the topic was kind of always open for discussion, although I must say that it rarely happened, mostly because I could have used more advice about attracting someone of the opposite sex (a huge challenge until recently) than actually getting to the deed. Late bloomer. I think the important stuff my mom stressed to me when I was younger, around 12 to 14 or so - condoms, condoms, condoms. My mom and I were pretty close and open with each other, so I guess I would have asked her about the men she had slept with, how old she was, and why (dating, one night stand, serious boyfriend, etc.). Just out of curiosity.

My dad never had anything to say about the topic, which I preferred.
posted by cachondeo45 at 4:23 PM on June 9, 2009

Best answer: I don't know if this counts, as it's a question I wouldn't even have thought to ask, because I had no information indicating otherwise...
I was probably in my 20s before I received any information from the ambient culture that women might actually desire and enjoy having sex. It was always presented as something that men wanted(the only thing), and that women were willing to barely tolerate in exchange for commitment from men ( or attention, or stability, or whatever, never pleasure). Lots of "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", and no mention of whether they might enjoy a bike ride now and then regardless. Not having this information really messed up sex for me for a decade and I envy today's youngsters for having that knowledge from the get-go.

And I'm trying to remember the exact lines, but the movie Rodger Dodger has a scene where a teenage boy and his uncle are walking around the city and the uncle sorta blows his mind by revealing to him that "Sex is everywhere" - just because you're not having sex doesn't mean that no one else is, and just because you're not currently having sex with someone, doesn't mean they're not potentially interested. I remember thinking when I saw it that I wish someone had told me that, back when I was at the stage where I thought I was basically alone in the world, sex-wise.

So I guess that would have gone "Ok, you've gone over the mechanics, and the consequences, and the house rules, but tell me, parents, Is sex OK to have? or is it something creepy and gross that people would rather opt out of if they had a choice?"
posted by penciltopper at 4:33 PM on June 9, 2009

By 18 I'm pretty sure, going by offhand comments my mom has made while watching movies and the like, I knew more about it than she did. That's Catholicism for you.
(caveat: I am not yet 30+, although I will be in about five weeks)
posted by Kellydamnit at 4:40 PM on June 9, 2009

The answer is "none". Actually, that's not full and complete. The answer is more like "I would practically go catatonic to avoid having to talk to my parents about sex during the ages of 18-22".

Why 18-22? I think you need to go earlier. If you're talking about sex rather than relationships in general.
posted by Justinian at 4:45 PM on June 9, 2009

Justinian is right- relationships, sure. Even now I will occasionally hit my mom up for her advice or insights, particularly when I was splitting up with my husband since she had been down that road herself. Sex is another story, though.
posted by Kellydamnit at 4:56 PM on June 9, 2009

Response by poster: Okay, to clarify:

I said 18-25 because that's when I figured most people are having a lot of sex with their first serious partners. I personally can't think of a time where I have had a conversation with anyone about "how" to do sex.. I just sort of figured it out with my partners. This isn't necessarily bad, but I think I could have gotten a lot out of talking with more experienced men when I was a freshmen in college or so. This doesn't mean "how do I find the g-spot?" or other sex tips that you would find in Cosmo, but something more meaningful.

For example, my answer to my own question would be: "How do you go about breaking out of sexual habits with a person? If something isn't working, how do you move on rather than letting it be a cycle of frustration?" and, I'm an 18-25 year old, so I'll leave it to the 30+s to come up with a thoughtful answer.
posted by nnevvinn at 5:50 PM on June 9, 2009

Think they taught me all about it around 12-13, including expectations. Swedish school system also taught us all technical informations. By the time I was 18-20? Yeah, I'd prefer not to hear of such things of my parents any more :) Always a shock to any date you bring home, as the whole family loves discussions, and all topics are open
posted by lundman at 5:52 PM on June 9, 2009