Should I or shouldn't I?

June 8, 2009 3:13 PM

I'm a 24 year old woman. A man in my social circle, who is probably at least 17 years older than me, and maybe even more (could be anywhere from 42 to 47) seems to be interested in me. I'm confused, and not sure what to do. Advice, please?

My extended social circle contains folks from about age 20 to about age 60. The single women in the group tend to be younger, and the single men tend to be older, which leads to a bit of an imbalance (and a lot of May-December romances--though usually not with a gap quite so large as 17-22 years). While it has always been my opinion that, as far as relationships go, age is like place of origin (a difference in age is just a cultural distance to traverse, just like when you get to know someone who grew up in a different part of the world from you) something tugs in my gut when I think about dating someone so much older than me. (Before now, I have dated men 1 year older than me, 5 years older, and 13 years older. Never the same age or younger, for some reason.)

So far, the extent of his expression of interest has been to invite me to events he's hosting, to share cabs with me after group evenings out, to ask to be on my team when we're doing things like playing pool or Trivial Pursuit, and to show real interest in what I like and what I do in conversation (he LISTENS in that way that people do when they like you, you know?).

I genuinely like him and enjoy his company, and were he closer to my age (even if he were 40!) I'd be gung ho in reciprocating his interest. As it is, I find myself alternately flirting because I do like him, and holding back because the difference in age sends up a little red flag.

I know his expression of interest hasn't been huge, which makes this rather preliminary, obviously, but I think I need to sort out how I feel about this now so that I neither lead him on if the age difference really is too much, nor shut him down if it isn't. What would you do if you were in my situation? What are the questions I should be asking myself to figure this out?

My anonymous email address is [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

I think you should begin by asking yourself what course of action works best for you when you notice a red flag going up. Do you do better when you listen to your gut? The rest (age difference), I think, is really sort of a side issue.
posted by heyho at 3:21 PM on June 8

Depends on what you from pursuing him. Reciprocating interest does not have to result in a lifelong or even long term commitment, and it doesn't sound like you're really interested in something long-term or serious with someone much older than you (I'm inferring this from your "red flags" comment) but you like him. If you're in a dating around or casual relationship frame of mind right now, then starting something up with him could be a lot of fun (as long as you make sure he's clear on what you want). If you're looking for something long term, though, it doesn't sound like this is what you want.
posted by Polychrome at 3:22 PM on June 8

...I think I need to sort out how I feel about this now...

Don't be surprised if this absolutely fails to work. Feelings are complicated and can be irrational and unexpected.

If you talk yourself out of this, then you will miss an experience, good or bad, you'll never know. If you talk yourself into this, you might find yourself experiencing wholly unprepared for emotions in spite of the preparation.

I say go with your gut and try not to overthink things.
posted by ODiV at 3:30 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]

When I was 23-25 I dated, then lived with a woman who was ten years older than me. She taught me the ropes, so to speak. It was two of the best years of my young adult life from many perspectives and I wouldn't trade them. But we both knew, in the gut, that it would never be a long-term thing. Sure enough, after a couple years the relationship ran its course.

Think about this as you consider your quandary. Are you willing to enjoy a short-term "fling" of six months to two years? You can find out in that amount of time whether it is in the cards for a long-term situation. If you are really only interested in finding a long-term partner, it is probably best not to start this potential relationship because of what is "in your gut."
posted by netbros at 3:43 PM on June 8

If I were you, and I felt like right now I wasn't comfortable with a 20 year age difference between myself and my would-be date, I'd decide not to date this person for now. Don't feel bad for not wanting to date someone so much older, and don't feel like you need to make a final decision right now.

I've always felt vaguely icky about dating someone more than a year younger than me, but I've occasionally felt attracted to people who were in that category. Neither of those things make me bad or wrong, and my decision not to pursue/accept anyone younger than me didn't leave me miserable and alone. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to or interested in a particular person or type of person, and there's nothing wrong with turning down a date for an arbitrary reason (your gut says 13 years is ok, but 17 years is not). There's no rule that says you must give a "valid" reason for turning down a date (assuming he does eventually ask you out). There's also no rule that says you can't hold off on making a decision until you evaluate the situation further. (Just don't expect him to wait around while you make up your mind.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:49 PM on June 8

What if he were 41?

I suppose it could work out long term if it is a good match. But who knows how life will flow. Why not give it a go and just be open and honest. That is about all you can do.
posted by tarvuz at 3:51 PM on June 8

I say, run to your Fairfax!
posted by Houstonian at 3:53 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]

What would you do if you were in my situation? What are the questions I should be asking myself to figure this out?

Well, I've been in your situation. More than once. I dated the guys for awhile (not concurrently :). None of them worked out, for various reasons. Then I met a guy who is only 4 years older than me. I married that one, and I'm really glad he's close to my age.

Why?
- we were roughly at the same point in our lives when we met
- neither of us had kids or ex-spouses, both of which can complicate matters
- physically, we're at the same level of decay. I'm not expecting to have to push his wheelchair anytime soon. I also don't worry about sexual problems anytime soon.
- we'd experienced major world events at roughly the same ages. I can't articulate exactly why this matters, but I share a cultural consciousness with him that I didn't with older men.
- same goes for TV shows, music, and other cultural references.

There was also a very subtle patronizing tone with the older men I dated; they were occasionally protective in a fatherly type way. They tended to want to take the lead, to want to pay for everything, and generally not see me as 100% equal. In a certain sense, I wasn't equal, because I hadn't had as much life experience. They did have things to teach me, but I wanted to learn by doing, to make my own mistakes, not through them telling me. My husband doesn't have any allusions that he knows more than I do. I can be silly with him without feeling like I'm being childish and he's the serious adult.
posted by desjardins at 4:07 PM on June 8 [12 favorites]

erm, illusions not allusions

I meant to add that it depends what you're looking for now and where you're at in your life. Do you want to settle down soon? Do you want to have kids in the next few years? If the answers are no, then by all means have a fling. I'm sure glad I did, because the additional experience in bed is priceless.
posted by desjardins at 4:13 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]

I genuinely like him and enjoy his company, and were he closer to my age (even if he were 40!) I'd be gung ho in reciprocating his interest. As it is, I find myself alternately flirting because I do like him, and holding back because the difference in age sends up a little red flag.

He's undoubtedly well aware that you may have some reservations about the age difference; he may have some reservations as well. Just be open about this, and see where things go.

For instance, maybe you're concerned that you're going to try to date but at a crucial moment (like when he leans in for the kiss) you're going to be embarrassed to find yourself weirded out by the age difference? Meanwhile, it's pretty likely that he's nervous that you're going to find his aging body offputting in comparison to men closer to your age.

But re-reading your question, the advice that leaps from my fingers is this:

You like him. He likes you. Why don't you try dating?
posted by desuetude at 4:20 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]

There was also a very subtle patronizing tone with the older men I dated; they were occasionally protective in a fatherly type way.

I'm getting this from the guy I'm dating right now...who is 10 years younger than me, so YMMV.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:21 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]

Statistically, relationships between people who are roughly the same age have more chance of working out than relationships involving age gaps. But I've seen horrible relationships between people who were the same age and terrific, long-lasting with an age gap.

I'd say if you feel you can be happy with this man, go for it. If it's not there for you, let it go. If you're not ready to decide either to go for it or to turn down the opportunity, spend more time with this man until you know.
posted by orange swan at 4:33 PM on June 8

Do you want to have kids eventually? Does he have kids? Are they close to your age?

I have a friend who is 49 and dates women half his age. Personally, I think it's very immature of him and many of the young women he hits on thinks he's a joke.

I also have a couple of friends who married much older men. It was fine when the men were in their forties or fifties, but as they aged further my friends found themselves resenting their husbands' inability to do certain things. One recently got divorced. The other one's husband died, he was 80, she's sixty. Both women seem much happier now.
posted by mareli at 4:47 PM on June 8

I spent a happy decade with a guy 12 years my senior; the relationship ended over something totally unrelated to the age difference. We didn't notice the age gap ourselves. There were minor embarrassments once in a while, such as the time someone referred to him as the grandfather of my kid. Heh. Why not try it, go slow if you're nervous, and see how it develops? As with any other relationship, if it's not working for either person, it needs to be fixed or ended.
posted by fish tick at 5:12 PM on June 8

So far, the extent of his expression of interest has been to invite me to events he's hosting, to share cabs with me after group evenings out, to ask to be on my team when we're doing things like playing pool or Trivial Pursuit, and to show real interest in what I like and what I do in conversation (he LISTENS in that way that people do when they like you, you know?).

So he's interested in you as a person. That's not the same thing as a romantic interest. Older people tend to be more comfortable with being friends with the opposite sex, platonically.

I recommend considering the possibility that he's not interested in you except as a friend. Then, after you're convinced of that and you're not worrying about it any more -- then explore your own feelings of "hey, I'd be interested if he wasn't so OLD" and see how you feel about it.

Of course, if he makes a move romantically, then you'll be on a spot -- but it's a perfect spot from which to say "I'm extremely flattered, and I've thought about that a bit myself, but I'm not sure how I feel about the age difference." Then have a conversation about it, because mature and reasonable people can have conversations like that.

Good luck.
posted by davejay at 5:20 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]

Oh, and:

- My wife, who is a few years older than me, gets aggravated because she feels I treat her like a child sometimes;
- I have a friend who's younger than me, who has had two long-lasting relationships with much older men (including one marriage, from which she's now a widower) and one was great and one was rocky.
posted by davejay at 5:22 PM on June 8

I agree with davejay: It may be that he is just youthful in his outlook and that he enjoys your company. He may just want to "be friends." Odds are, he is very insecure about the notion of anything more than that; and that he will leave the "more than that" for you to signal. I say, "Go with the flow."
posted by swlabr at 5:44 PM on June 8

But I've seen horrible relationships between people who were the same age and terrific, long-lasting with an age gap.

True. My mother and father, 3 years apart, had an awful marriage and got divorced. My mother and stepfather, 14 years apart, have been happily married for almost 20 years. He's in his mid 70s now and is still pretty active. So you never know.
posted by desjardins at 5:44 PM on June 8

If it doesn't work for you to date someone that much older than you, it doesn't work for you. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend. "Something twists in my stomach" is generally not a precursor to a successful relationship.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:57 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]

I don't get it. Why people who are interested in one another obsess about... data.

If you like him, you like him, right? If you get involved with him and it turns out you don't like him, then you don't have to stay involved with him. But if you like him, it seems like it's as ridiculous to not get involved because of his age as it would be because of, say, his race or his height.

But maybe you don't like him. Then don't get involved with him. Even if you don't like him because of his age.

Like I said, I really don't understand this. Either you like him or you don't.
posted by paultopia at 6:28 PM on June 8

I say, forget about thinking about this and see how you feel in a little while. As more time passes, take notice of these things:

Do you find yourself wanting to talk to him more?
Do you ever find yourself wanting to touch him, or put your head on his shoulder when you're tired, or hug him when something great happens to you?
If you guys go out for drinks, do you want to kiss him?
Do you get excited when you see his # on your phone?

If yes, then you probably want to pursue this, at least a little. Then, the question is whether you think this will be long term, whether it's worth it for you guys to get involved, etc. But forget that he's 40-something, go about this like you would with any guy.

Also, just the fact that you described yourself as a "24 year old woman" makes me think that the age difference doesn't matter much because the maturity levels might not be that different. I'm 24, but I'd call myself a girl, not a woman, so I'm definitely not ready for the age difference, but you might be if you have friends in your social group his age or older, and if you're already flirting with him and the only red flag is the age.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:47 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]

Like everything there is a search string for this that you can Google. ~Age Gap Relationship~. Dated a woman 18 years my junior for a while when I was 42 and dated a woman 14 years my senior when I was 21. My ex-mother in law was 14 years younger than my ex-father in law and and they had a truly successful marriage. My age gap relationships tended to be transitional mostly due to a whole host of reasons, many of them touched on here. (Being in different generations, different age based needs, current life circumstances due to age, divorce, rebound, etc.) Not all relationships have to be approached as 'The One'. some relationships can be understood to be transitional as long as that is communicated. Not sure how sophisticated your potential suitor is in this regard. Men in their 40's like to see if they still can attract younger women. And it's greatly comforting when we can attract for the sake of attracting but those generational issues are real. Doesn't mean it can't work(witness my inlaws.) Just be aware of the issues that affect this dynamic and maybe discuss them with each other if you get to know each other more closely. For some men this is just a phase that occurs before they realize they have more in common with women in their late 30's (if they are in their 40's). For some women this is just a phase they go through (exploring relationships with older men) before they realize they have more in common with mencloser to their own age. Trust your instinct. Your heart will tell you what to do. Age gap relationships suffer the same kind of discrimination that mixed race relationships do. It's between you two. Your friends opinions don't matter. Societies opinions don't matter. Ask yourself what you feel about him then act based on that. Try to seperate that from societies, friends and family pre-conceptions. Thats where the confusion comes from.
posted by Muirwylde at 7:21 PM on June 8

Ask yourself if your relationship—or love, or whatever—should be compromised by something, at the end of the world, as trivial as age politics.
posted by trotter at 9:54 PM on June 8

I've told my story of dating an older man before so I'm not gonna write my story over again, I'll just link to other threads that I wrote about it in. All I can really say is that I'm a better person for that relationship and I'm thankful for the things I learned from it. So follow your instincts. In the end I feel like I probably should've dated him for a few years instead of seven but the truth is that the main compatibility problems we had weren't about age whatsoever.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:11 PM on June 8

My husband is 16 years older than I. Age on its own doesn't really matter. It comes down to compatibility.

That said, I think you're worrying too much too early. Wait until it becomes apparent that his interest has become romantic in nature. That is the time to think about the compatibility issues.

The mister and I knew through interaction that we were compatible at most levels (sex, humour, likes, dislikes, politics, lifestyle, etc.). What we had to have serious discussions about whether or not we wanted children and future health issues.

Feel free to email me with any questions.
posted by deborah at 11:01 PM on June 8

In situations like these it's always good to remember the Standard Creepiness Rule: Don't date under ((Age/2)+7).

I would also like to link to Fairchild's comment in a similar thread about age differences.
Lots of guys in their 40s would be totally stoked do be in a relationship with a woman in her early 20s, but usually can't. I would also be concerned about power imbalances due to male privilege and the age difference- Notice how you don't see very many 45-year-old women dating men in their early 20s?
posted by dunkadunc at 12:29 AM on June 9

Just remember..."Young at heart" is just a saying. When you're 53 and he's 70, even if he's super-active then and most people think he's 5-10 years younger...his heart (the living beating muscle in his chest) will be actually 70 years old. Prepare to be a widow if you get married...now if he has a dad that lived to be 101...hmmm...
posted by teg4rvn at 6:44 AM on June 9

I second the "if your stomach isn't happy, DON'T DATE HIM." I've dated plenty of guys that my stomach objected to, some of them drastically older, and I was never happy I went through with it. Just because you tell yourself that you're so enlightened and age ain't nothing but a number, well, that's not necessarily true when it comes to life partnership. And desjardins does have a point about the guy aging faster than you do.

This doesn't apply to every older guy wanting to date a 20something girl, but some guys ARE genuinely predatory about doing it. I can't tell if this guy is or not, but it is something to watch out for when you are a 20something girl and yet another 40+-year-old has the hots for you. If you're feeling wigged out, there's probably a reason for it. If you've dated 13 years older and that didn't freak you out, but adding another 4 on does, maybe it's just THIS guy rather than the age?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:47 AM on June 9

davejay: So he's interested in you as a person. That's not the same thing as a romantic interest. Older people tend to be more comfortable with being friends with the opposite sex, platonically.

Yeah, I used to use that line, too... but the smarter girls never fell for it.<>

Oh! You were serious!

Anonymous OP, you don't seem to be that naive. The guy is into you. All of you, parts of you, for now, or for reals, but he is into you.

And there is a huge age difference, that violates the "Half Plus Seven" Rule. So, don't go into this thinking he's a great possibility for a lifelong commmitment (for reasons others have mentioned above, such as longevity, and for mere compatibility reasons).

But, dating is supposed to be fun. If a date with him sounds fun, do it!
posted by IAmBroom at 12:49 PM on June 9

follow-up from the OP

Thanks, folks. Polychrome, netbros, to be honest, I hadn't even thought about whether it would still bother me if I was explicit about any ensuing relationship being a short term thing. And it doesn't bother me. My gut is entirely un-tugged when I think about it that way. I think the gut-tugging really does come from worrying about getting into a long-term relationship with someone who will, barring outside factors, probably die many years before me. desjardins, I'll keep an eye out for patronizing behavior--that's definitely something I don't want.

"You like him. He likes you. Why don't you try dating?"

I think I will, desuetude. I think I will. He's invited me to a pool night (the kind with cues and balls, not water) that he's hosting later this week (he made sure I'd be there before he set the date), and I'll see where things go from there.

Oh, and Houstonian, this guy is WAY nicer than Fairfax (who's a pretty big jerk, really).

posted by jessamyn at 5:52 PM on June 9