How do I explain being gay to a 10 year old, if she asks?

June 7, 2009 6:18 PM

What is an appropriate way to discuss homosexuality with a 10 year old child?

I have a 10 year old cousin who I'm very close with (I'm 26). She's very smart, and the frequency of the questions regarding my being single and when will I get married (and "Can I be your bridesmaid?"- all the grownups got a big kick out of that question, haha) suggests to me that she knows something is up. I've asked her mother how I should deal with the questions, and she's asked me to try and steer around the subject for a little while longer, because they haven't had a discussion with her about sex yet and that they will address homosexuality with her at that time. However, in a couple of weeks and for the first time ever, we're going to be spending a day together with just the two of us. I'm worried that she's going to ask me something that I won't be able to easily deflect. Like, "Are you gay?"

Advise me, please. I have no idea what to do as I have never broached this subject with anyone who wasn't an adult.

posted by tumbleweedjack to human relations (39 comments total)

"Are you gay?"

Answer: "Yes".
posted by dunkadunc at 6:20 PM on June 7 [11 favorites]

Why does it have to be about sex? When heterosexuals describe marriage to kids, it's not "so that a man and a woman can have sexy sex." It's (in my experience) "because they love each other very much." Can't you just describe it as "sometimes a man and a woman, or sometimes two men, or sometimes two women love each other very much. I love a man and we might get married some day."
posted by olinerd at 6:21 PM on June 7 [19 favorites]

Say, "why, yes, I am happy."

Then when she looks confused explain to her that "gay" means "happy" and use it as an opportunity to teach her something about the English language.

Or just tell her parents your concern and let them either pre-empt it by telling her you're gay or tell her yourself.
posted by dfriedman at 6:22 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

(I guess my answer had more to do with marriage than your question implied the discussion will cover -- still, can't you just leave it at people loving each other?)
posted by olinerd at 6:23 PM on June 7

Her mother's concern is a little weird - ten year olds might not know about sex but they certainly know about romance and dating and marriage and etc. - so it's that simple. Some men fall in love with women, and some men fall in love with other men.
posted by moxiedoll at 6:24 PM on June 7 [4 favorites]

You could explain it the way my sister did to me when she was twelve and I was seven: "Gay means that if you're a girl, you want to marry a girl and if you're a boy, you want to marry a boy."

I don't know if that's the kind of explanation you're looking for, but it worked for me as a kid. You might also check out Dan Savage's book The Commitment--there's a very sweet part where he explains homosexuality to his son in terms of who people fall in love with.
posted by corey flood at 6:26 PM on June 7 [7 favorites]

Assuming she hasn't been negatively conditioned on the subject already, homosexuality is a complete non-issue to kids in general. My daughter (6) knows that sometimes girls marry girls, and because it's never been presented as weird/wrong/etc, I don't think she really thinks about it one way or the other. I'd say it's a lot easier and less awkward to explain the younger the kid is.
posted by glider at 6:33 PM on June 7

Yeah, I would talk to her mother about this, and ask her if it's ok for you to explain it to her daughter in non-sexual terms, ie, "you know how your mom and dad love each other? Well, when I feel like that, it's for another girl. That's pretty cheesy phrasing, but you get the idea. There's nothing scandalous or particularly x-rated about the fact that you have relationships with women instead of men.

At age 10, in our culture, it's really unlikely she's unfamiliar with the idea of being gay, but she might just not understand what it means. At this age, kids tend to have a lot of information they don't really know what to do with - I remember pissing off my camp counselor by asking her if she slept with her boyfriend. I did know it was sort of a cheeky question, and I knew what sex was (at least the PIV part), but I didn't really get that "sleeping together" necessarily meant having sex. I thought it meant sleeping together.

I think her questions are probably in a similar vein - she knows there's something a bit different going on with you, and that it's something her mom doesn't want to talk about and since she's a normal kid, both those things make this topic irresistible.

If your cousin resists, point out that keeping this from her daughter could make it harder to have a good relationship with her (the daughter), because it could. Also, if it turns out your niece is gay, you don't want her having the idea that her identity is taboo.

Also, the idea of her being your bridesmaid is less harhar funny now than it used to be. She very well might be able to take that role. If you were to get married, would you have to exclude all children from the ceremony?
posted by lunasol at 6:40 PM on June 7 [3 favorites]

Be honest and straight forward. It'll serve your relationship with her very well in the future.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:40 PM on June 7 [4 favorites]

Despite all the questions, she might not know what's up as a lot of kids girls talk about weddings at that age, it's often the weird leftover 'tween appendix of the whole Disney Princesses thing. I'd run this past her parents* first, but I would respond simply but honestly and without going into a whole lot of PG+ details.

Are you gay? Yes.
What does gay mean? I like girls (or whichever gender floats your boat).
When are you going to get married? When I find the right person.

*I'm surprised/dismayed that at 10, sex ed hasn't been introduced by her parents yet (many school districts start teaching it to 5th graders) and her menses could start any time now.
posted by jamaro at 6:44 PM on June 7 [2 favorites]

Seconding olinerd, and echoing Dan Savage: There is nothing about saying you are gay/homo that implies graphics depictions of anal sex anymore than saying so-and-so is straight would imply graphic depictions of vaginal intercourse. Geez.

Your friend needs a slight poke in the ribs and a comment from you that says you have no intention to talk about sex with her 10 year old. If it comes up that you mention you would marry a man instead of a woman, that's no more explicit than saying you'd marry a woman instead of a man. Your friend needs to cop on and stop asking you, even if unintentionally, to feel ashamed of who you love. Avoiding gay-ness kind of implies that you think something is wrong with it, doesn't it? Otherwise she'd be saying "don't talk about weddings until she's older!", but she's not.

One of my mother's friends when I was a kid was a lesbian living with her partner. I remember thinking they had a really cool living room and an uncanny amount of cat paraphernalia, but I never thought there was anything strange or sexy about them having only one queen size bed. Luckily I was raised by people who intended for me to be absolutely not queer-phobic.
posted by tamarack at 6:44 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

[oops, got the gender wrong didn't I?]
posted by tamarack at 6:46 PM on June 7

Oops, meant "if it turns out your cousin is gay..."
posted by lunasol at 6:46 PM on June 7

Whatever you do, it will be imperfect - but the only thing that matters is honesty.
posted by Flood at 6:49 PM on June 7 [2 favorites]

Say, "why, yes, I am happy."

Then when she looks confused explain to her that "gay" means "happy" and use it as an opportunity to teach her something about the English language.


Please don't do this. It's hard enough being a kid without having to deal with this sort of equivocational bullshit from adults.
posted by logicpunk at 6:55 PM on June 7 [48 favorites]

Just to clarify, since there seems to be some confusion- I'm a guy, which is why "can I be your bridesmaid" was so funny.

And to further clarify, the kid's parents (the mom is actually my cousin- I have one of those families where everyone you're peripherally related to is your cousin, but the mom is an actual blood cousin) are absolutely amazing- they've raised 3 of my favorite human beings on the planet, which is why I'm all about listening to what they have to say with regard to raising the kids. I just want to prepare for something that's not part of the plan!

I like the advice to be straightforward, and that explanation doesn't have to be any kind of explicit. If she asks, I'll tell her, and if she asks any followup questions I'm not comfortable with, I'd be OK telling her that we'll talk about it another time.

I'm still interested in anything you guys have got to say, though. I'd love to hear any personal experiences that are similar!
posted by tumbleweedjack at 7:12 PM on June 7

Assuming she is in school, she probably knows a lot more about sex, etc than her parents have any idea. You need to tell her mom she's a little late regarding the discussion. (I am dead dog serious about that. Mom of three grown kids here.)

But I do think you need to respect the wishes of the parent. Which is why I advise you talk to the parent again.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:13 PM on June 7

A very dear relative of mine was gay and it was decided by someone in the family that while he was out, this would be kept from all of the kids in the family at the discretion of their own parents as to what time/age it would be appropriate to tell us. We all knew anyway, and were pretty insulted by the whole deceptive process. I was eight. This was nearly twenty years ago.

Even if I hadn't had older siblings and cousins who spelled it out to me, between television/movies/kids at school, I would definitely know what "gay" is by ten. Again, this was twenty years ago. Today, I am pretty sure there would be an even higher level of knowledge, considering the increased media attention on gay marriage, etc. Your cousin is either "very smart" or doesn't know what gay is. Do not patronize her. Tell her mother you refuse to do so and that if she can't allow you to be honest then you can't spend time with her.
posted by SassHat at 7:13 PM on June 7

It is VERY developmentally appropriate for a girl of her age to be asking these questions and wondering about these things. She is not fishing for info about your sexual orientation, just talking with you about the things she thinks are cool and interesting as a little girl--little girls are inundated with bride/wedding/princess/pretty dresses culture.

The most helpful thing my family did to help me understand my gay uncles as I was growing up was to NOT TREAT THEM DIFFERENTLY from any other uncles/aunts. I never even knew it was "different" to be in a same-sex relationship until I got much older and went to school with kids whose homophobic parents taught them disgusting, bigoted things that they then went on to repeat at school. So I hope that your family can help by treating you exactly as they treat everyone else, and not acting like being gay is a special case or outside of the norm.
posted by so_gracefully at 7:39 PM on June 7

I found out my uncle was gay at around age 8. My older cousin said our uncle was gay, and I asked my mom what "gay" meant. She told me it means that my uncle likes boys instead of girls. Simple as that. He had been bringing his "friend" over to family functions for a while already, so she also explained that he was his boyfriend. Never seemed weird to me.
posted by ishotjr at 7:50 PM on June 7

Just say that you love men, the same way that her mom and her dad love each other. That's how I've raised the subject with my little kids: explaining that their aunts are married to each other, and that our minister is married to another man, the same way that their dad and I are married, and their other aunt and uncle are married.

She's not going to be asking you "But where does it go?" or "But what do lesbians do in bed?" questions.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:15 PM on June 7

At 10 years old, she almost certainly already knows what gay is and probably is getting pretty curious as to whether or not you are, since you don't fit into her vision of acting like a straight dude your age, (getting married, or at the very least, bringing girlfriends around).

Please don't shy away if she ever says "Are you gay?". Your answer should be honest and inclusive of her parents. "Yes, I am. If you have questions I'm happy to answer them, but it's probably best if we bring mom in on the discussion. I imagine she'll want to share her thoughts with you as we talk."
posted by agentwills at 8:27 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Just be straightforward and honest. One of the reasons that there is still so much homophobia and heterosexism in schools is because gays and families with gay parents are often invisible. There's a decent chance that your niece goes to school with a child growing up in a homoparental family. She certainly goes to a school where children will grow up and realize they are gay. In a couple of years (if not already) kids in that school are going to start calling each other "gay" as an insult. It would be good if she knows what the word actually means before she knows it as an insult.

My niece and nephew (now 12 and 15) grew up knowing that my partner and I were a couple who loved each other, just like their Mom and Dad. That's all little kids need to know, just the basics. In your case "I like boys" should just about do it! As your cousin grows older she will ask more questions of her parents, or you. You can choose to answer or not, as you feel is appropriate. All the parents, kids and educators at my kids' daycare know that there are two moms in our family. I'm out to everyone at work, as is my partner because it is important to be honest for the sake of our children. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, hide or hold back from talking about. It's just life. I look forward to the day when this is all so boring that there will be nothing to "reveal" to children because if you really think about it, there isn't anything much to reveal.
posted by Cuke at 8:46 PM on June 7 [4 favorites]

The older gay couples that I know are generally married - if not legally, then religiously or a commitment ceremony. Unless you are totally against marriage, then when she says "why are you single" or "when will you get married", I would say "haven't met right person" or "don't feel ready to make such a big long-term commitment yet" If she asks again about bridemaids or ceremony questions, I would say "That's a long way off, but I would love to have you there and will try to find you a special role in the ceremony." (Assuming that these are actually true for you.)

I second the parents who say that all kids that age usually need to know that when a person meets someone special, they fall in love. If their special person is another man, they are called gay, if it is a woman, they are called straight. You are gay so when you fall in love, it will be (or is) with other men. (I would approach it from everyone falls in love, just call it different things if the partner are the same gender or opposite, emphasizing the commonality) Let your cousin know ahead of time that if something comes up, you don't want to lie but you really don't want to get into it so this is what you would say, but only if she asks.
posted by metahawk at 8:56 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Because the parent has stated that they will talk with the daughter...I think you should pretty much leave it at that.

If anything, you should remind the parent that "hey...in 2 weeks...your daughter will pretty much need to know whats up...or else she'll put one and one together".

Good luck.

PS...update us and tell us what happened...cuz this is something that may be relevant to many of us.
posted by hal_c_on at 9:54 PM on June 7

Kids are pretty smart. Unless it's a huge secret and a ton of work has been done to keep it that way, she probably already knows. I'm sure as a kid you can remember how quickly you learned to figure out what people are tip-toeing around, trying to avoid saying in your presence. And of course we secretly listened in on conversations we weren't in the room for.
posted by floam at 10:49 PM on June 7

I think metahawk has it.

Do you know why your cousin's Mum thinks this should be discussed in a general conversation about sex? Is she uncomfortable with the subject? Maybe she's just not sure how to address it and you could make it easier by sharing these definitions with her first.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:51 AM on June 8

When I was 9 I found out that one of my friend's mom's was gay. My mom and dad just said it wasn't a big deal but that she wanted it kept private. Seemed simple enough to me.
posted by tarvuz at 5:27 AM on June 8

When I was around her age, I knew all about sex, but I didn't know what "gay" meant--if only because all the kids in my school seemed to use it to mean "lame", "stupid" and "girly." So please don't coyly respond that yes, you're happy. Because if she has any confusion of the precise meaning of the word, that's only going to confuse her more.

(and "Can I be your bridesmaid?"- all the grownups got a big kick out of that question, haha)

Am I the only one a bit troubled by that? Like, it sounds like your family might have been exposing a bit of subtle homophobia there--haha, you're gay, so you're sort-of-a-woman? If I were you, I would have really wanted to set the record straight about that--that, if and when you find the right man to marry, she can be part of the wedding, but of course she wouldn't be a bride's maid because, of course, you wouldn't be a bride.

That might seem overly pedantic to me, but I think it's an important lesson for kids to learn.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:46 AM on June 8

er, of me, rather.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:47 AM on June 8

Joining in on the overly pedanticness: saying "I like boys" could be unwise because of the "gay men are pederasts" idea that's out there, and who knows if she's picked it up. "I like men" would avoid that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:56 AM on June 8

suggests to me that she knows something is up. I've asked her mother how I should deal with the questions, and she's asked me to try and steer around the subject for a little while longer, because they haven't had a discussion with her about sex yet and that they will address homosexuality with her at that time.

No matter how awesomely cool your cousin is, this is still a bit of hetero-normative squeamishness talking. I can't imagine that she has reserved acknowledgment of straight romantic relationship status prior to having the sex talk with her daughter. That said, when you point this out, she'll likely say "oh, duh, sorry, of course." Just reassure mom that you're not intending to invoke the role of sex in your relationships any more than the child knowing any other married couples requires a discussion of their sex lives.

Another argument against steering around the subject is that when you're a ten year old kid and the grownups all titter at random questions, it's pretty easy to feel like you're being made the butt of some sort of joke because you're a kid.

That said, don't be surprised when you are asked, shyly acknowledge you're gay, and the little one says "oh, i know THAT, I was just wondering why the man never gets to to wear an engagement ring -- don't you want one?," or some other awesomely kids'-eye-view request for clarification.
posted by desuetude at 9:13 AM on June 8

PhoBWanKenobi, poster is a guy, therefore bridesmaid = hee hee. I laughed anyhow.

I was holding hands with my girl at the fairground with a friend and her kids. Kid asked mom "why are they holding hands?". I would probably have gotten into a flustered explaination of how cometimes girls like boys and sometimes boys like boys and so on, but their mom just said, "Because they are in love". Kid nodded sagely and that was that.
posted by Iteki at 1:11 PM on June 8

PhoBWanKenobi, poster is a guy, therefore bridesmaid = hee hee. I laughed anyhow.

I got it--I just think there's something a little off with a ten year old implying that her male cousin is a women because of his sexuality, and the adults all sitting around and laughing about it. Like I said, I'm probably being pedantic. But for me, it's one thing for, say, an adult relative to make that sort of joke in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It's a whole 'nother ballgame when it's a kid whose parents haven't sat them down yet and talked to them about homosexuality, much less things like homophobia.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:10 PM on June 8

That was how I took it, PhoBWanKenobi. It seemed like an odd thing to find funny.

And it's also odd that the cousin immediately assumes that being gay is all about sex and can't discuss her cousin liking men without having 'the talk'.
posted by winna at 4:32 PM on June 8

And it's also odd that the cousin immediately assumes that being gay is all about sex and can't discuss her cousin liking men without having 'the talk'.

Eh, I agree, as I mentioned upthread, but people sometimes find themselves accidentally drawing on long-forgotten more conservative bits of their upbringing subconsciously when their babies start inching closer to puberty.
posted by desuetude at 8:19 PM on June 8

It's funny that this has come up, because my 13 year old niece is about to come visit me, and I believe to this day, that my sister would rather I lie to her than tell her that I am a queer woman. In the past (around age 10, as a matter of fact) my sister has said that her daughter is "too young" to know about gay people.

My sister has no problem about her daughter knowing about gay people and couples (now -- mostly because when my niece asks if I'm dating any of my guy friends who are all gay, I reply "They're gay." and sort of force the issue into the air. Sister has never protested.), but if she were to know her Aunt was queer -- that is somehow different. I don't know why.

This girl is about to go into high school. My mother asked me what I plan on doing if the subject of my orientation came up and I said, if she asks directly, I am going to answer her. I have tried to respect my sister's wishes about her children, but I have no intention of going back into the closet for the sake of my 13 year old niece who likely wouldn't care anyway.

Despite the long, ranty comment, in the end it comes down to this: I'm not about to invite the conversation -- I've been single for a Long Time, so I don't think the proactive approach is necessary, but I guess I go with the first comment in this thread:

Her: Are you gay?
Me: Yes.
posted by aclevername at 12:00 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

It's entirely possible that a ten-year-old doesn't fully understand the word "bridesmaid". Maybe all it means to her is "role in loved one's wedding for me, hooray!", without the tedious detail of who is the "woman" in this relationship.
posted by shiny blue object at 5:03 AM on June 9

It's entirely possible that a ten-year-old doesn't fully understand the word "bridesmaid". Maybe all it means to her is "role in loved one's wedding for me, hooray!", without the tedious detail of who is the "woman" in this relationship.

It's the reaction of the grown-ups that's troubling, not the kid.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:17 AM on June 9