Can we still live together or are we crazy to think it could work?
June 7, 2009 5:40 PM Subscribe
This is yet another "we're broken up but still living together and want to remain friends," question, but with some complications... specifically, we had planned a Caribbean vacation for next winter, and she still wants us to go together... I'm not so sure that's a great idea. Long, drawn-out story follows.
We've lived together for about four years, and just moved into a new house together this January. We've had a rocky relationship for years (been together almost five years, became extremely co-dependent immediately when we got together, sex became weird and infrequent after year one, everything went downhill from there), and finally decided to separate about a month ago. She's sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms, and we both genuinely want to be friends. The relationship was evolving into a friendship for years and we're finally now coming to terms with it. She’s gay, I’m a queer woman who is just now realizing I’m pretty much in the middle of the road in terms of sexual orientations, so I’m also exploring the idea of relationships with guys.
The big question is how long can we keep this up? I keep hinting that I think this is going to be difficult for us when one of us starts to date someone else, but she denies that she'll ever want to date anyone again (i.e. she thinks we'll get back together). Obviously, we are on two different planets, because I have already moved on physically and am casually seeing other people, although I admit that emotionally I am still very much attached to my ex. Of course I cannot ever have a boy/girl friend spend the night here because it would just RUIN my ex and also ruin our friendship. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make short-term, but maybe not long-term.
Is what we are doing completely crazy? I am afraid that if she moved out we would stop being friends. Plus, this sounds silly, but I'd most likely have to get a roommate because it would be financially straining for me to live here alone. I really don't want to get a roommate. I’m controlling about certain things like keeping the bathroom clean and I really enjoy my personal space.
The other thing gnawing at the back of my brain is the fact that we planned to go on a Caribbean vacation next winter with my family, and she still very much wants to go with me. It's not until March 2010 and I'm worried that by that time we could be on completely different terms with each other and could make the vacation uncomfortable. On the other hand, I'd like to believe that we could be best friends like always and enjoy each other's company despite everything that has happened. We haven't bought the plane tickets yet, and I'm nervous about this. A part of me wants to tell her, "No, I'm sorry, you can't come with me," but god... that just sounds brutal and mean. And then she'll *really* be angry with me and we'll *really* stop being friends the way we were/are now. My family invited us BOTH, so wouldn’t it be terrible to sort of UNinvite her?
Our relationship has always worked this way: She is INCREDIBLY sensitive and somewhat high maintenance as a result. I am a stoic and I have always catered to her emotional and psychological needs (to avoid conflict, to make her happy, etc.). So, even though this whole ordeal may seem trivial, it’s really not when you consider how highly volatile her emotional reactions can be. To be frank, once at the very beginning of our relationship, she got mad at me for something quite silly (so silly that I cannot even remember what it was), and she screamed “MOTHERF*&*ER” at me (and other things) and threw a glass at me. It didn’t hit me, it hit a doorframe and shattered, but it was close. I left the house, came back a few hours later, and she was in tears of apology, couldn’t believe she did that, and I forgave her. Nothing like that ever happened again, but it set the tone of the relationship in a way, because I always knew that her emotions were waaaaaaay more highly charged than mine. (Yes, I realize now that this was a red flag and we should have broken up then and there. Hindsight, 20/20, yada yada.)
Of course, about a year into the relationship she realized that she had been emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused by male family members as a child, and that this was causing her to have these outbursts (like throwing stuff and overreacting). I tried my best to ride this through with her but I admit it’s a big reason why we separated… the sex in particular became extremely difficult, and I’m only in my mid-20s and goddammit I deserve a healthy sex life, etc. etc. etc.
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Anyone gone through a similar situation and have insight? Throwaway email is movingonandstayingfriends at yahoo dot com. Thanks, ya’ll.
We've lived together for about four years, and just moved into a new house together this January. We've had a rocky relationship for years (been together almost five years, became extremely co-dependent immediately when we got together, sex became weird and infrequent after year one, everything went downhill from there), and finally decided to separate about a month ago. She's sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms, and we both genuinely want to be friends. The relationship was evolving into a friendship for years and we're finally now coming to terms with it. She’s gay, I’m a queer woman who is just now realizing I’m pretty much in the middle of the road in terms of sexual orientations, so I’m also exploring the idea of relationships with guys.
The big question is how long can we keep this up? I keep hinting that I think this is going to be difficult for us when one of us starts to date someone else, but she denies that she'll ever want to date anyone again (i.e. she thinks we'll get back together). Obviously, we are on two different planets, because I have already moved on physically and am casually seeing other people, although I admit that emotionally I am still very much attached to my ex. Of course I cannot ever have a boy/girl friend spend the night here because it would just RUIN my ex and also ruin our friendship. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make short-term, but maybe not long-term.
Is what we are doing completely crazy? I am afraid that if she moved out we would stop being friends. Plus, this sounds silly, but I'd most likely have to get a roommate because it would be financially straining for me to live here alone. I really don't want to get a roommate. I’m controlling about certain things like keeping the bathroom clean and I really enjoy my personal space.
The other thing gnawing at the back of my brain is the fact that we planned to go on a Caribbean vacation next winter with my family, and she still very much wants to go with me. It's not until March 2010 and I'm worried that by that time we could be on completely different terms with each other and could make the vacation uncomfortable. On the other hand, I'd like to believe that we could be best friends like always and enjoy each other's company despite everything that has happened. We haven't bought the plane tickets yet, and I'm nervous about this. A part of me wants to tell her, "No, I'm sorry, you can't come with me," but god... that just sounds brutal and mean. And then she'll *really* be angry with me and we'll *really* stop being friends the way we were/are now. My family invited us BOTH, so wouldn’t it be terrible to sort of UNinvite her?
Our relationship has always worked this way: She is INCREDIBLY sensitive and somewhat high maintenance as a result. I am a stoic and I have always catered to her emotional and psychological needs (to avoid conflict, to make her happy, etc.). So, even though this whole ordeal may seem trivial, it’s really not when you consider how highly volatile her emotional reactions can be. To be frank, once at the very beginning of our relationship, she got mad at me for something quite silly (so silly that I cannot even remember what it was), and she screamed “MOTHERF*&*ER” at me (and other things) and threw a glass at me. It didn’t hit me, it hit a doorframe and shattered, but it was close. I left the house, came back a few hours later, and she was in tears of apology, couldn’t believe she did that, and I forgave her. Nothing like that ever happened again, but it set the tone of the relationship in a way, because I always knew that her emotions were waaaaaaay more highly charged than mine. (Yes, I realize now that this was a red flag and we should have broken up then and there. Hindsight, 20/20, yada yada.)
Of course, about a year into the relationship she realized that she had been emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused by male family members as a child, and that this was causing her to have these outbursts (like throwing stuff and overreacting). I tried my best to ride this through with her but I admit it’s a big reason why we separated… the sex in particular became extremely difficult, and I’m only in my mid-20s and goddammit I deserve a healthy sex life, etc. etc. etc.
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Anyone gone through a similar situation and have insight? Throwaway email is movingonandstayingfriends at yahoo dot com. Thanks, ya’ll.
It's not until March 2010 and I'm worried that by that time we could be on completely different terms with each other and could make the vacation uncomfortable. On the other hand, I'd like to believe that we could be best friends like always and enjoy each other's company despite everything that has happened.
These are not opposites. Asking her to move out, canceling the vacation plans and cutting off contact for a serious chunk of time are not opposed to your desire to stay friends. They are the way that you will maximize your chances of staying (or, technically, becoming) friends.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:11 PM on June 7, 2009
These are not opposites. Asking her to move out, canceling the vacation plans and cutting off contact for a serious chunk of time are not opposed to your desire to stay friends. They are the way that you will maximize your chances of staying (or, technically, becoming) friends.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:11 PM on June 7, 2009
moxiedoll's comment is dead on and deserves to be read over and over again. A+++
you don't have to be friends with an ex. not being friends with someone you were once in a relationship with doesn't make you a bad person. you can't move on until you move out and actually get your own life where you put your feelings and needs first and foremost without having things dictated by someone you are no longer in a relationship with.
posted by lia at 6:12 PM on June 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
you don't have to be friends with an ex. not being friends with someone you were once in a relationship with doesn't make you a bad person. you can't move on until you move out and actually get your own life where you put your feelings and needs first and foremost without having things dictated by someone you are no longer in a relationship with.
posted by lia at 6:12 PM on June 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
Moxiedoll said it all right. Short, sweet, and right on the nose. I second that and would like to add that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. Seriously, you can't "ruin her." She can let herself get wrecked. And it's just not your problem. This sounds callous, but seriously, friends or exes or whatever, you need to break up regardless of what she'll think, do, say, act, etc. You're not in charge of her or what she thinks, does, says, acts, etc. The only one who can control her? Herself.
As the old saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. Heartache blows. Seeing people hurt sucks. Alas, such is life. But sometimes it's just gotta happen. Help her get her own place, uninvite her to the Caribbean ("I think this should just be family time for me.") and spend some time apart to heal, get angry, or whatever.
Good luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 6:15 PM on June 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
As the old saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. Heartache blows. Seeing people hurt sucks. Alas, such is life. But sometimes it's just gotta happen. Help her get her own place, uninvite her to the Caribbean ("I think this should just be family time for me.") and spend some time apart to heal, get angry, or whatever.
Good luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 6:15 PM on June 7, 2009 [1 favorite]
I am afraid that if she moved out we would stop being friends.
I am afraid if she doesn't move out, you'll keep on having to cater to her and be forced to remain single for an indefinite period of time, only to find someone else eventually anyway and then still have to go through some really ugly drama before you finally are free to live your life.
Get through the drama now, and get it over with. Tell her she can't come on the trip, ask her to move out, and get a roommate if you have to. It won't be an easy transition for you or for her even if you behave as nicely and generously as possible (which I certainly encourage you to do), but you have to keep reminding yourself that your ex is an adult and she can take care of herself and that you have your own, separate life to live.
posted by orange swan at 6:17 PM on June 7, 2009
I am afraid if she doesn't move out, you'll keep on having to cater to her and be forced to remain single for an indefinite period of time, only to find someone else eventually anyway and then still have to go through some really ugly drama before you finally are free to live your life.
Get through the drama now, and get it over with. Tell her she can't come on the trip, ask her to move out, and get a roommate if you have to. It won't be an easy transition for you or for her even if you behave as nicely and generously as possible (which I certainly encourage you to do), but you have to keep reminding yourself that your ex is an adult and she can take care of herself and that you have your own, separate life to live.
posted by orange swan at 6:17 PM on June 7, 2009
It sounds like you're the one who "broke up" with her. I've found that sometimes the one who initiates the break-up attempts to alleviate their guilt by making extraordinary attempts to "remain friends." Stop it.
If you really want to be friends someday, you have to provide the distance that gives everybody time to grieve. You may end up friends, or you may not. Cut off contact for a set period of time; no calls, visits, email, etc. It sounds harsh, but it will allow both of you to feel the loss you need to come to terms with.
The important thing is to really go through the process of breaking up. Anything less continues the codependance and allows both of you to put off the process of working through your grief and moving on.
posted by answergrape at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2009
If you really want to be friends someday, you have to provide the distance that gives everybody time to grieve. You may end up friends, or you may not. Cut off contact for a set period of time; no calls, visits, email, etc. It sounds harsh, but it will allow both of you to feel the loss you need to come to terms with.
The important thing is to really go through the process of breaking up. Anything less continues the codependance and allows both of you to put off the process of working through your grief and moving on.
posted by answergrape at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2009
Our relationship has always worked this way: She is INCREDIBLY sensitive and somewhat high maintenance as a result. I am a stoic and I have always catered to her emotional and psychological needs (to avoid conflict, to make her happy, etc.).
Yeah, so stop doing that. All the practice you get now in standing up to her and saying what you want will pay off in future relationships.
The fact that you put up with this relationship for five years and are still tiptoeing around her drama even after having broken up makes me think you are at risk for a relationship with another volatile person and that you might want to look into some assertiveness training and some outside advisors that could help you recognize the patterns (e.g., empowered friends, a therapist, etc.).
posted by salvia at 7:13 PM on June 7, 2009
Yeah, so stop doing that. All the practice you get now in standing up to her and saying what you want will pay off in future relationships.
The fact that you put up with this relationship for five years and are still tiptoeing around her drama even after having broken up makes me think you are at risk for a relationship with another volatile person and that you might want to look into some assertiveness training and some outside advisors that could help you recognize the patterns (e.g., empowered friends, a therapist, etc.).
posted by salvia at 7:13 PM on June 7, 2009
I have an ex as a roommate, and we are really good friends, so it is totally possible to have a post-relationship friendship. The thing is that we didn't go straight from being a couple to being roommates - we lived apart for a year or two, and that time re-defined how we related to each other. If your friendship can't withstand living apart, then maybe it isn't as much of a friendship as it seems now. It might be a good idea for you two to move apart, and you really shouldn't bring her along on your family vacation.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:48 PM on June 7, 2009
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:48 PM on June 7, 2009
March 2010? You might have a new boyfriend/girlfriend by then whom you'd rather take, your parents would rather you brought, and who might get rather upset that you're going to the Caribbean with your ex-.
And living together won't just cramp your romantic life by ruling out sleep-overs at your house. Lots of potential partners might look at you and your situation and decide there's too much potential for needless drama to get involved with you.
posted by K.P. at 3:00 AM on June 8, 2009
And living together won't just cramp your romantic life by ruling out sleep-overs at your house. Lots of potential partners might look at you and your situation and decide there's too much potential for needless drama to get involved with you.
posted by K.P. at 3:00 AM on June 8, 2009
You sound angry with her, but guilty at feeling angry (did you instigate the break-up?). You need to process all of that and you CANNOT do it under these coircumstances. You need to start thinking outside the couple space and fully separate before you can come together as friends in any sane fashion.
Re: vacation, don't buy the tickets, take at least that pressure off yourself. Right now, March '10 is eight months of growth away, don't limit your outcome.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:02 AM on June 8, 2009
Re: vacation, don't buy the tickets, take at least that pressure off yourself. Right now, March '10 is eight months of growth away, don't limit your outcome.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:02 AM on June 8, 2009
Nthing that the best course of action is a clean breakup, not living together, reclaiming your family vacation for yourself, and embarking on a rigorous roommate search if that is what you need to do.
Anecdotally: I dated a woman who'd been broken up with her (big, live-in, several year relationship) ex for about two years, about the same length of time I'd been broken up with mine. I'd moved out after my breakup, dated someone else, started redefining my life. She'd gone on a few dates but continued living with her ex to help her financially as the ex prepared her house for sale.
When the ex discovered we were seeing each other exclusively and that I wasn't disappearing after a date or two, she had a meltdown. It started with passive-aggressive stuff, like changing the thermostat or leaving shoes out on the porch to get rained on, and escalated to The Big Crazy (self-immolation). Not that yours would necessarily progress that way, but be aware that it could.
After The Big Crazy, the woman I was dating finally realized that there was no way to move on and have or sustain a healthy friendship with her ex while sharing living space. She negotiated an amount of money to help the ex with the house preparation, moved out, and cut off contact. She then started having all the wonderful feelings of independence and freedom that come from having less stress to carry around, fewer obligations, and a world of possibilities.
It'd been two years post-breakup and she was still dealing with the difficulties of her relationship without getting the good things that are supposed to come from a breakup, whereas I still had had the breakup pain to deal with but got to get on with the "moving on" part a lot sooner because of handling it differently. Three years down the road, my ex and I are friendly. This woman and her ex are not speaking and unable to mention each other's names without getting emotional.
posted by notashroom at 9:47 AM on June 8, 2009
Anecdotally: I dated a woman who'd been broken up with her (big, live-in, several year relationship) ex for about two years, about the same length of time I'd been broken up with mine. I'd moved out after my breakup, dated someone else, started redefining my life. She'd gone on a few dates but continued living with her ex to help her financially as the ex prepared her house for sale.
When the ex discovered we were seeing each other exclusively and that I wasn't disappearing after a date or two, she had a meltdown. It started with passive-aggressive stuff, like changing the thermostat or leaving shoes out on the porch to get rained on, and escalated to The Big Crazy (self-immolation). Not that yours would necessarily progress that way, but be aware that it could.
After The Big Crazy, the woman I was dating finally realized that there was no way to move on and have or sustain a healthy friendship with her ex while sharing living space. She negotiated an amount of money to help the ex with the house preparation, moved out, and cut off contact. She then started having all the wonderful feelings of independence and freedom that come from having less stress to carry around, fewer obligations, and a world of possibilities.
It'd been two years post-breakup and she was still dealing with the difficulties of her relationship without getting the good things that are supposed to come from a breakup, whereas I still had had the breakup pain to deal with but got to get on with the "moving on" part a lot sooner because of handling it differently. Three years down the road, my ex and I are friendly. This woman and her ex are not speaking and unable to mention each other's names without getting emotional.
posted by notashroom at 9:47 AM on June 8, 2009
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posted by moxiedoll at 6:00 PM on June 7, 2009 [8 favorites]