Getting over the ex I still live with

June 4, 2009 7:36 AM

Any tips for getting over someone who you still have to live with?

I got dumped and I'm devastated. I think the bruise to my ego is actually the worst of it. I'm also very sexually frustrated and he turns me on so much.

I've been googling for tips on how to get over someone, and cutting off all contact seems to be the first thing they all say. The problem is that I have been staying with him and I live in an area with a huge housing crisis, so I don't have the option to move out immediately. The ex is being a nice guy and letting me stay until I find somewhere (plus he needs the help on the rent this summer). Even before we broke up, I had been trying to find my own place, but no luck. I'm told that apartments get much easier to find in August, but that still means I need to get through these three months. I'm pretty new in this town, so I don't really have anyone who will let me crash at their place. I have gone through all my options and it's clear that I am stuck here for a while. It's a one room apartment, too.

Anyone else been through this situation? Any advice for getting through it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

I hope you have separate sleeping arrangements. An ex and I had a studio apt, which made things more difficult after the breakup. If the opportunity presents itself while you are still living together, absolutely, positively, do NOT sleep together. This includes, sex, cuddling, kissing, etc. This will just make things more painful and confusing for you and will most likely end badly.
posted by zerokey at 7:44 AM on June 4

A one room apartment? So, you're "broken up" but still share a bed? Ouch. I feel for you, that's awful.
I honestly have NO idea how you can get over someone when you still sleep next to them every night. I'd be surprised if there even was a way. If you were in the same apartment with separate rooms, or even a bedroom and a living room one of you could turn into a living space, maybe. But one room? Wow...

Let him worry about the summer rent on his own, find a place asap. Most college students will have just moved out on June 1, so there will be some postings up. Maybe a house with a few people had someone graduate who got a job elsewhere and needs a short term fill in. You can't even find a single room for rent posting or a summer sublet ad on craigslist?

You would be better served emotionally by living with a group of drunken college kids with an affinity for all night Rock Band marathons at this point.

Can you take a leave of absence from work? If you absolutely, without a doubt, can't find even a single room for rent in your entire area maybe you can sign up for some kind of travel volunteer work just to get out of there. Go rebuild houses or something. A ton of summer programs offer housing to participants.
posted by Kellydamnit at 7:55 AM on June 4 [3 favorites]

I’m so sorry for your pain. Be confident that you will get through this. Find pleasant things to do outside of that emotionally toxic apartment. An evening class? Volunteering? Walking/bicycling? Do healthy things for yourself physically and mentally and meet interesting new people--including interesting new men.
posted by applemeat at 7:57 AM on June 4

Oh, an added bonus of volunteering I have found in my own life: you may heal faster, just by working for a noble cause and assisting those in much more dire circumstances than your own. I've found some of my own problems paled in comparison and become much less overwhelming and consuming when I saw how bad some people live every day and throw myself into doing what I can to help them.
posted by Kellydamnit at 7:59 AM on June 4 [2 favorites]

In my experience, reading Kafka while sitting in a Tex-Mex restaurant drinking margaritas and eating guacamole may FEEL good at the time, but it doesn't help you move on. Avoid self-destructive behaviors - even ones you may start to feel entitled to because you were just dumped and you need a pick-me-up.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:10 AM on June 4 [2 favorites]

I had to do this a few months last year. I found a new boyfriend (well, ok, the new boyfriend played a part in the breakup) and spent most nights over there. Go out. A lot. Try to limit the amount of time you spend at home.

Even if you're not ready to date (I'm certainly not suggesting you go get some rebound dude when you're not ready for it just so you have some place to sleep) you can spend time with friends, go to parties, go to dinner, read in the library, go to the movies, go to museums, have picnics, volunteer, take walks in the park, visit the 'rents, take cooking classes, take your laptop to a cafe...the list is endless. The only time you need to be home is to shower, sleep, and change into work clothes.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:19 AM on June 4 [1 favorite]

Keep looking for your own place - try sublets or spare bedrooms in house rentals. Hell, you'd be better off on a friend's futon couch for a couple months than staying in this situation.

DO NOT worry about him having trouble with handling the rent on his own (unless your name is on the lease) - he chose to break up with you, after all. It's going to be hell for you as long as you have to share such a small space with him. And your comments about sexual frustration raise red flags that the two of you might succumb to a moment of passion, which would really mess things up for you. You need to get some physical distance in order to get the emotional distance you require. It's the only way to get a handle on your life and move on. Good luck and get out of there asap. Seriously.
posted by aught at 8:26 AM on June 4 [3 favorites]

This happened to me once, too. Only we weren't even on speaking terms. And did, indeed, usually share the bed. Sigh. It was a truly, truly awful time, and I hope that yours isn't anything like it. I'm sorry you have to do this.

I stayed out of the apartment as much as I could, and we got onto different sleeping schedules -- he got up and went to work before me, and I came home after I was pretty sure he'd gone to bed.

It sounds like your situation is pretty different, though. Whatever happens, do NOT sleep with him. And do you damnedest to get out sooner rather than later.

But the bottom line is just: you will get through this. It is a small period of suckage in a long and full life. Just grit your teeth, and repeat, like a mantra, "this, too, shall pass."
posted by kestrel251 at 8:28 AM on June 4

I'd beg you to reconsider your housing options. There are no rooms you can rent? Nobody looking for a boarder? Nothing on Craigslist that may even remotely work? No summer sublets? A roommate will be much better than the situation you're in.

My ex and I were in the same position, originally planning on living together, and we found it to be completely out of the question. He ended up living in a friend's dining room that was converted to a bedroom. And now I've actually done what was unthinkable a few months ago and moved out of the city just to escape the proximity. Seriously, we both thought we could handle it and it wasn't possible. If there is anything you can do to avoid your situation, anything, grab ahold of it.
posted by schroedinger at 9:02 AM on June 4

Been there! And yes, it sucks the big one. Options to consider:

*a room in a house. Check Craigslist or roommate sites.

*a guesthouse. Again, Check Craigslist or roommate sites.

Actually, you know what? Just check Craigslist! You will find more apartments there than in any apartment-hunting website, and you're bound to find something.
posted by katillathehun at 9:07 AM on June 4

I broke up and lived with the ex for an extremely uncomfortable 3 months. Move out now. Even if what is available between now and August is sub-optimal, how is that worse?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:07 PM on June 4

Take a couple days off from work and find another place. Anywhere is better than staying there.

Around here apartments are cheaper than they've been in a couple years, and there are lots of vacancies. And if it's a college in town there is probably a lot on the block right now since the spring semester finished.

Can't couch surf with someone you know? There are other options. Or I'd go to a hostel for a couple nights, just to clear my head and get out of the environment. Of even a week-to-week SRO. Don't look for anything permanent right now, just look for something that's not sleeping in the same room with your freaking ex.

Oh, and don't let the "he needs help paying his rent" hold you there. That's his problem, not yours.
posted by Ookseer at 12:49 PM on June 4

Anonymous, can you tell us what city you're in so we could give you some better suggestions for housing ideas (or even tell you about a friend of a friend who needs a roomie)? Please ask MeFi to anonymously post your response, if you can.
posted by December at 4:00 PM on June 4

At the very least get a futon, sleeping bag, fold-out chair, what-have-you in the meantime so you don't have to sleep in the same bed as the guy that dumped you. Nobody should have to feel that pain.

Good luck with apartment hunting.
posted by Space Kitty at 4:11 PM on June 4 [1 favorite]

Yeah, putting as much space between you two is key. Get a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor. It's not THAT uncomfortable, and is actually better for your back. Is it a studio apartment or a one-bedroom? Because if it's a one-bedroom, sleep in the living room!

It's going to be really hard, and really shitty, but it's definitely not insurmountable. Go out as much as you can. Don't be destructive about it; don't go binge drinking every weekend, but instead of seeing it as an ending, you can see this as a new start. Use this need to get away from the apartment as a drive for finding a new favourite coffee place, a new favourite tea shop, a place to write, a place to people-watch, whatever. Sign up for a class in the neighbourhood and learn something you've always wanted to learn. Start something with friends, even if it's just Saturday afternoon walks in the park. It'll get you out of the house, it'll get you meeting new people, and it's hard to be sad when you're exhausted at the end of the day.

Try not to dwell on the break-up too much - oftentimes, your mind will sort out your emotions in the background, and all you really need is time. That's not to say you should beat yourself up if things do start feeling overwhelming - everyone should have time to grieve and time to cry. But realize that it's over, and lingering on it makes no one but you miserable.

And make sure you and your ex are on the same page about dating new people. You don't want him bringing home a date while you're stuck in the same apartment.

Best of luck.
posted by Phire at 7:57 AM on June 5