Not a bad person, just a bad girlfriend?

June 2, 2009 9:03 AM

Revelation-filter: My behavior in past relationships has been completely unacceptable.

I just read back hundreds of emails with a couple past boyfriends and am shocked and ashamed at a lot of the things I said and attitudes I took. Mean, bitchy, self-centered, demanding, ungrateful, scathing, defensive, insensitive. I can recall being vaguely aware of my bad behavior in the past but was never too hard on myself because I thought I would mature and grow out of it. Looking back, I don't blame anyone for breaking up with me because I was awful. I know I can be wonderful and that I have a lot to offer, but this mean streak is a huge downfall and I'm terrified I won't ever lose it unless I take some serious action. I'm in my mid-20s and I do.not.want.to.be.like.this.anymore.

Please tell me...how do I not be a total bitch to the person I love? Seeking advice on how to not take wonderful people for granted, how to temper anger, how to not assume the worst in people, how to practice self-restraint, how to be more understanding, how to be less selfish.

Recommendations for specific therapists in NYC welcome.

Throwaway email: [e-mail]

Thank you so much, Mefis.

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

You don't need therapy; you just need the perspective that, clearly, you are gaining by getting older. It happens, thank god, to just about all of us. You accomplish what you are trying to accomplish (tempering your anger, appreciating the people you have, being more understanding, being less selfish, practicing self-restraint) by examining your past behavior and trying not to repeat your mistakes. You have recognized specific things you have done which appall you, so you know what not to do again. That's the first step to not doing it again. You thought you'd mature and grow out of it and it sounds like you are.

Pay attention to your behavior, think about your actions and words before you take or say them, consider the consequences of what you say and do, and clean up after your own mistakes. That's how you temper your anger, and treat people well, and balance the giving and taking in your relationships with the people you like and the people you love.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:19 AM on June 2 [7 favorites]

Hi. I've gone through phases like this myself, in relationships where I thought agression was a form of control. Although I am a male, I quickly found out that it was often times self-projection and a defense mechanism, as I was scared to allow people to really get to know who I am.

It may be a case of you feeling vulnerable or unhappy with yourself. Therapy may indeed be a solution.

Best of luck and godspeed
posted by stratastar at 9:20 AM on June 2

Well there's no simple flicking-this-personality-switch-will-fix-you solution and it might help to know some more details in order for us to make suggestions, but my two pennyworth is... listen. Try to listen to at least two or three things for every one that you say. Keep a count if it helps, and although there are obviously situations where it wouldn't be right to do so, a lot of the things you've mentioned are traits people gather in the process of trying to be confident and assertive. Listening not only gives you time to think if what you're about to say is the right thing, it lowers your momentum, it's harder for your responses to seem like an assault and most of all it means you find out about the other side's position, letting them show you the merits of their own perspective and feelings.
posted by fearnothing at 9:20 AM on June 2

Learn how to apologize and mean it. The second part is key. If you can be adult enough to assess your behavior in the short term, and then go back to the person you hurt and say, "Hey I realized that I was being a bitch the other day, and I'm really sorry," that's huge. Everyone acts like a dumbass sometimes, but the best people are the ones who can recognize it on their own and apologize right away. Second best are the ones that can handle being called on it and admit that they were wrong. Humility is huge.
posted by autojack at 9:27 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

IANYT, but your question strikes me as very self-flagellating.

You are taking a lot of responsibility and blame for events in the past that were more nuanced, I'm sure. People in relationships fight and do rotten things; its normal. Its great that you want to self-actualize, but saying "I do not want to be like this anymore" does throw the baby (you) out with the bathwater (bad behavior). You are you, and while we all need to take responsibility for our actions, you are going to make mistakes in the future and you don't want to get in to the habit of beating yourself up for it.

I think you should explore therapy, see if its helpful, you have a nice awareness to start from and maybe it will be productive.
posted by RajahKing at 9:42 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

I found my wonderful therapist on the website. He is indeed in NYC. I know this question is anonymous but if you want to memail me I"ll send you his details.
posted by sweetkid at 9:50 AM on June 2

It's simple. You should turn to the teachings of religion. They all teach you things which make you a better person. But you don't have to be religious. It is not completely your fault and you can't fully erase that mean streak of yours. Maybe you simply haven't found someone who can tame you.
posted by gttommy at 9:51 AM on June 2

Next time you get into a relationship, let the guy know that you've had problems being mean in the past (and share specifics; probably specific behaviors like you listed above, though, instead of specific examples). If he knows that you're trying to work on this, and he's not a jerk, he can try to give you gentle feedback or just be more understanding when stuff does come up.

Also, practice "being nice" outside of romantic relationships, i.e. just in friendships or whatever.
posted by Jacen Solo at 9:55 AM on June 2 [3 favorites]

I second what Jacen Solo says. Everyone is entitled to be in a bad mood now and then and even to be a bit snarky. If you realize it coming on you can say to loved ones, " For some reason I'm in a really bad mood today, so I'm sorry if I sound curt/detached/blunt/rude...I might just need a little time to myself."
posted by teg4rvn at 10:17 AM on June 2

I can be and have been a really mean person. The only thing I've found that helps and prevents me being really mean to those I love is to try and treat them like I would treat total strangers. I say please and thank you to my boyfriend and my parents. I smile when I greet them. And I try really, really hard to remember that this is a person I love, and should get the best side of me.
posted by teleri025 at 10:20 AM on June 2

My therapist is also on the Psychology Today website, and I'd be glad to send her contact info if you memail me.

One of the very biggest things that has worked for me in treating my boyfriends better is to consistently, repeatedly apply the Golden Rule. How would I feel if he said this to me? How would I feel if he acted the way I want to act?

Asking these questions has allowed me to slow down my knee jerk responses and act with genuine kindness towards the person I love. It's colored every aspect of our relationship, and it's been wonderful compared to previous ones. We don't agree on everything but it pretty much feels like we don't fight because our discussions are so civil and we work so hard to compromise.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:47 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

Become a master of the golden rule - not just in dating but in life, period. Learn to treat others as you would want them to treat you. We'd be so much better of a society if we all learned to do this.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:13 AM on June 2 [4 favorites]

If you are the sort of person who is capable of being very mean, then once you start doing it with someone you are in a relationship with, it can become a really hard habit to break. So don't. be. mean. Being nice is really fun. It's hard to remember to be nice and keep your temper all the time, though, especially if you aren't in the habit of it. For a long time I just had a post it note up that said "be nice" or "be mindful" or something like that. Every time I'd see it, it would keep that thought in the forefront of my mind. At first it might take a little work to catch yourself, but being nice becomes a habit pretty quickly. Also, what teleri025 said is really true. Sometimes the nicest people treat their SOs like dirt. So just remember that you care about this person and don't want to hurt them--would you treat someone else like that?
posted by Polychrome at 11:18 AM on June 2

Okay, let me be today's contrary Elvis....

I can recall being vaguely aware of my bad behavior in the past but was never too hard on myself because I thought I would mature and grow out of it.

That's pretty amazing to me. You knew you were behaving badly and immaturely at the time, even as you were doing so, but "thought you would mature and grow out of it?"

That means you were self-aware of your bad behavior and rationalizing apologies for it, which in my mind makes that behavior so much worse. People look back on their past failings with that kind of eye, when they know better, not on their present behavior. If you know better at the time.... you don't do it!

I am not a psychiatrist, but that simultaneous acting and rationalizing sounds like psychopathic behavior. Maybe that's the wrong word, but I can't think of another one for that pattern.

And as for the advice that you turn to religion? Please don't, as it could just make you intolerable. There's no lack of self-centered and self-righteous in that sphere already.
posted by rokusan at 11:32 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

I am not a psychiatrist, but that simultaneous acting and rationalizing sounds like psychopathic behavior. Maybe that's the wrong word, but I can't think of another one for that pattern.

That's the wrong word.

But, there is something "off" about continuing to repeat the same behavior, being conscious of it, and believing that it's simply going to disappear in time. It's like believing the transmission in my car is going to fix itself magically when it happens to get enough life experience.
posted by Netzapper at 12:04 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]

Yes, it's a loaded word with many definitions in medicine, psychiatry, psychology, and even law... but I can't think of a better word for, um.... "a longstanding pattern of self-centered/antisocial behavior coupled with a conscious refusal to learn from mistakes and instead rationalize them as 'normal' behavior."

That's long. But that's really what this sounds like. I strongly disagree with those above who think the OP should be forgiving herself more.

But finally considering doing something about it, rather than rationalizing it away, that's good.
posted by rokusan at 12:32 PM on June 2

Here's (part of) my life philosophy - I don't know what's going on in other peoples' lives. If someone cuts me off on the freeway, it is equally possible that he's a big asshole as it is that his kid just got seriously injured on the playground and he's driving to pick her up.

You are learning that you aren't the center of the universe. Remember that with your loved ones and strangers alike.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:52 PM on June 2 [7 favorites]

Does this behavior seem to get worse the closer you get to people?

Driving away the people who are close to you, feeling like you can't help yourself and don't know any better, and a lot of shame about your behavior? Don't freak out about this, but seems that you have some of the traits of borderline personality disorder.

NOW, that doesn't mean you're horribly broken or that you even HAVE BPD. You might just have some of the traits. I obviously don't know you. It's just something to think about and if it rings true, maybe you can pursue that angle a little more because the type of therapy that works on borderline personality problems is a bit different than other kinds of therapies.

Research DBT and see if it sounds useful to you. You can also do another kind of therapy and participate in DBT-style skills classes. If so, that will help you narrow down your search for therapists. You might also consider seeing a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications, if so, the NY Magazine Best Doctors is a good place to start, although you have to be careful about your insurance as many of them do not take it.

And no, you're probably not a psychopath. Anyone who diagnoses you over the internet has no idea what they're talking about. And there is no need for you to feel ashamed of trying to get help.
posted by kathrineg at 1:01 PM on June 2

It sounds to me like the OP genuinely wants to be a caring and respectful partner, but lacks the tools do so. (Nearly all of her questions begin with "how do I...") Maintaining a healthy relationship is a complex and learned skillset. Many people don't realize this, because they unconsciously picked up these skills in childhood and adolescence by seeing them modeled by their parents or other adults. For whatever reason, the OP has reached adulthood without these skills, and now she'll need to learn them explicitly. A therapist can be a very helpful (and in many cases, probably even necessary) part of acquiring these skills in adulthood, but she can also teach herself a lot through reading about what healthy relationships are like. Two good starting points might be educating herself on the concepts of "setting appropriate boundaries" and "being assertive."

I am not a therapist, just a young woman who grew up around a lot of dysfunctional marriages and has struggled with many of the same problems as the OP.
posted by homuncula at 1:14 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]

Learn how to apologize and mean it. The second part is key.

This is definitely a good place to start. Perfection is unattainable but you can at least own your transgressions. So how exactly does one "mean it" when apologizing?

1. be very clear about what you're apologizing for,
2. clarify the steps you'll take to amends for any hurt you've caused.

Finally, one of my favorite bits of pithy wisdom. "You're not part of the solution until you admit you're part of the problem." The good news is that you seem to have reached this little summit.

Keep on growing.
posted by philip-random at 1:33 PM on June 2

How to Be an Adult in Relationships
posted by scody at 2:29 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]

If it makes you feel any better, OP, I could have written this post. I don't have much advice to offer, but I'll be watching this thread closely.
posted by derogatorysphinx at 6:16 PM on June 2

Realize that you won't simply "grow out" of that behavior, you have to own it to change it.

Therapy's not a bad idea, but in the mean time...

Don't have arguments over email. Let the person know you want to talk about it, but need time to think. Then wait until you've cooled off, then call the person.

When you're arguing in person, and you're starting to see red - walk away. Say, "Look, I'm really angry right now, I need to cool off so we can finish this. Just give me a minute/a few hours/til tomorrow." Then step back and table it.

Have rules for arguments. No name calling. No screaming. No throwing things, no slamming doors. If you get close to breaking one... walk away and repeat as above.
posted by canine epigram at 7:47 PM on June 2

I learned in my late teens that I have the capability for saying horrifically cutting things, things that are completely over the line and soul-destroying.

I've counteracted this tendency by being incredibly careful about what I say to people when I'm angry. I try not to engage in the heat of the moment, I will sit and mull over what exactly made me angry and why, and then bring it up. If I write emails and I know I'm writing them while angry, I try to give the email a day or two to simmer before going back and editing to make sure I'm not being cruel or aggressive.
posted by schroedinger at 9:13 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]

Chances are, you were hurt by something they did, and the automatic reaction to being hurt is to hurt back. Or you were in a crappy mood and spoiling for a fight.

Either way, you want to learn to say what you are feeling, not try to cause hurt to the other person. So, when someone comes in really late, instead of screaming at them that they're irresponsible and the worst person in the world, you want to try to tell them that you were scared when they didn't come home, and now you feel stupid about being worried and it's made you angry. Or whatever. Or say, I'm in a crappy mood, my hormones are all over the place, best not to talk to me just now. And learn to apologise. Try very hard to be conscious of not hurting back - aggressively or passive aggressively, and apologise if you do.

Angry is also a physiological response. You may have noticed it if you've ever gotten angry and then realised that you misunderstood and everything's fine, but you still feel angry. Your adrenalin kicks in, heart rate goes up, and your body prepares to fight. It can take a while to come down, and generally all you can do is breathe and wait.

Siblings are good for practising on, most people have fairly messed up patterns of dealing with conflict with their brothers and sisters. Or parents.

Note that all of this is from my own personal navel gazing/world observing, I have no experience with therapy or anything, so YMMV.
posted by kjs4 at 10:04 PM on June 3

OP, I too have pored over mementos and old emails and been chagrined. Therapy has helped and so has realized other partners have been kind of jerky too and that is just part of the risks of dating. To make myself feel less guilty I try to be polite with ex's when I run into them and just kind of wish them well, especially the ones who were more or less nice. If something serious happened, like an assault, the wishing well thing would be totally pithy, but it helps me cope with the general, "Damn, you were unreasonable with that that guy!" feeling. Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 10:18 PM on June 5

Doing something 'because I could' is one of the worst motives a person can have. If after indulging in some of my worst behaviors, I had been asked why, that or its close cousin, 'because I wanted to' would have been my honest reply. Having an outcome in mind helps direct me towards more positive behavior. Of course one could justify a bit of meanness by saying, "I'll do it because I want to hurt X", but by virtue of its transparency the act becomes easier to resist. Be deliberate, at least in the choosing of goals. Our emotional defaults tend to follow "the low road".
posted by BigSky at 5:56 PM on June 6