Can I go to the shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding?

May 31, 2009 8:16 PM

Can I go to the shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding?

I just got invited to a wedding shower that is being held for two friends of mine who are getting married. (It's a shower for both the bride and the groom, because these are not people who would gender-segregate. For one thing, lots of their friends -- me included -- don't fit that well in either gender box. I suspect this isn't relevant, but you never know.)

I don't think I was invited to the wedding itself. It's possible I will be, but the wedding is in mid-August and I think I would have gotten an invitation by now. On the other hand, I have a serious aversion to big fancy events, and both members of the couple know me well enough that they might have chosen not to invite me because they don't want me to feel obligated to show up. There is also the possibility that they haven't yet sent out invitations.

The shower I've been invited to is the second of two showers they're having that day, the first being a more formal one involving family and such; this is just for friends, at the couple's home. The invitation came via Facebook; the guest lists consists of a dozen or so people, most of whom I know and like. The couple does not know the second shower is happening; they might know the first one is happening.

So can I actually go to the shower if I'm not invited to the wedding? Should I be pointing out this discrepancy to somebody (say, the maid of honor, who is the one that invited me, but who I don't know that well)? Could things get really awkward at the shower if it turns out that, in fact, I wasn't invited to the wedding?

posted by madcaptenor to human relations (36 comments total)

Wedding invites generally go out 6-8 weeks in advance, so the invite is probably still pending. Late May would be early send out invites for an August wedding. Traditional etiquette states that guests should only be invited to showers if they're invited to the wedding, but just as with other things, etiquette is sometimes left by the wayside. If they invited you to the shower only and that doesn't hurt your feelings and you want to go to the shower, go. I doubt anyone else will notice or care.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:20 PM on May 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was a bit confused about when the invitations are supposed to go out because I've known the date since sometime in November or December. And oddly enough I've been working under the assumption that I'm not invited to the wedding, even though I have no idea what made me conclude that. Maybe I secretly don't want to go because big fancy events scare me?
posted by madcaptenor at 8:28 PM on May 31

You seem to be asking if you can go to something that you were invited to. Yes. You can go to something that you were invited to.
posted by Flunkie at 8:32 PM on May 31 [27 favorites has favorites]

I went to a bachelor's party for a wedding I wasn't invited to (probably cos they had the guest list set before I moved to town) and it was awesomely fine.
posted by xmutex at 8:34 PM on May 31

Flunkie, the point was that I was wondering if I wasn't supposed to be invited. Otherwise, you're right, this is an incredibly stupid question.
posted by madcaptenor at 8:35 PM on May 31 [2 favorites has favorites]

I recently attended a wedding shower that had many guests who were not invited to the wedding. In this case, it was a small, out-of-state wedding that featured mainly family members as guests. It was explained to me that the shower was a chance to fete the bride and groom for those who couldn't attend the wedding.

(I had to put aside my cynicism that it was a way for the bride and groom to get more gifts from additional people.)
posted by Andy's Gross Wart at 8:37 PM on May 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

I went to a bachelor's party for a wedding I wasn't invited to (probably cos they had the guest list set before I moved to town) and it was awesomely fine.

I was invited to a bachelor party for a wedding I know I wasn't invited to (it was 2 weeks before the wedding). I didn't go since I don't drink - whats the point other than to babysit all the drunk guys.
posted by SirOmega at 8:39 PM on May 31

(I had to put aside my cynicism that it was a way for the bride and groom to get more gifts from additional people.)

I can understand your cynicism. But these two are not gift-whores.

I didn't go since I don't drink - whats the point other than to babysit all the drunk guys.

Sometimes watching the drunk guys be idiots is fun!
posted by madcaptenor at 8:44 PM on May 31

Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude (even in Andy's Gross Wart's situation, it's still damned rude -- you can have a party without calling it a shower, and then people aren't obligated to give gifts). But it would be rude on the part of the people who invited you, so you could definitely go without having to feel like you were personally doing anything wrong.

That said, I agree with others. It's early for invitations to an August wedding to have gone out. The date of the wedding is often widely disseminated -- sometimes even semi-officially via 'Save the Date' cards -- well in advance of the actual ceremony, especially amongst good friends and close family, but invitations themselves are generally sent out within 2 months of the actual day.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:46 PM on May 31 [5 favorites has favorites]

I think it's pretty rare to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding. Usually the shower is more exclusive than the wedding (as in, people who are *actually* friends with the bride/groom and closer family). Unless this is a small wedding, you're probably invited if you're invited to the shower. I would check and see if any other your other friends have gotten invites yet to gauge whether you think you're invited.
posted by ishotjr at 8:58 PM on May 31

If the maid of honor doesn't know you well, how exactly do you think she knew to invite you?
posted by smackfu at 9:13 PM on May 31

I've definitely been invited to showers where I then wasn't invited to the wedding- particularly for small or out-of-town weddings. I don't think it's a big deal if you go to the shower. I probably wouldn't ask the couple anything about the wedding, just in case they feel put on the spot like you're fishing for an invite.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:25 PM on May 31

Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude (even in Andy's Gross Wart's situation, it's still damned rude...

Quick thought: is it a small wedding, and are they self-financing it? Could be they're doing a small wedding that they can afford, and throwing a much larger informal shower so that more people can be involved somewhat in their celebration.
posted by davejay at 9:29 PM on May 31

Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude

Could be they're doing a small wedding that they can afford, and throwing a much larger informal shower

I think OP states the couple doesn't even know the second shower (the one the OP isattending) is happening at all; they're not responsible for the invitations or expenses of it. I don't see any rudeness on anyone's part taking place, only a bit of confusion.

madcaptenor, I wouldn't worry about committing any breach of etiquette by attending; if you want to celebrate the couple's engagement by partying and giving a gift, go for it. If you're afraid the couple might feel obliged to invite you to the wedding after you came to the shower, you could discretely ask the maid of honor if she knows whether or not they're planning to.
posted by frobozz at 9:38 PM on May 31

Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude

Not necessarily.

First of all, the person giving the shower isn't* one of the people being married; the shower host may not have access to the wedding guest list at all (though that is the usual way).

It's not unusual, for instance, for a close friend of the mother of a bride to throw a shower in the bride's home town where the guest list consists mostly of the mother's friends who have (presumably) known the bride since she was a little girl, and this may well be a larger and more inclusive group than the hometown family friends who are going to be at the actual wedding.

Second of all, it's not unusual for someone who is having a tiny wedding (family-only, destination wedding, courthouse/register office, etc.) to have friends who want to throw a shower for them even though the marrying couple isn't having a big wedding party.

That said, if the couple is having a big wedding party, it would seem odd for them to give the shower host a guest list that included a non-overlapping set of friends.

*And shouldn't be, because it's spectacularly poor etiquette to throw a gift-giving party for yourself.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:38 PM on May 31

If you don't know the maid of honor that well and she invited you, I'm guessing she got your name either from the bride and groom themselves or she otherwise knows you are invited. This doesn't sound like the kind of situation where a mutual close friend just assumed you were invited and therefore invited you to the shower.
posted by whoaali at 9:39 PM on May 31

jacquilynne writes "Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude "

I'm with Sidhedevil, the people throwing the shower aren't the same people throwing the wedding. Why should the guest lists line up? The commonest example I can think of where there is no expectation of reciprocality is when a co-worker hosts a shower for co-workers.

So I say go ahead unless it makes you feel uncomfortable madcaptenor.

Also madcaptenor doesn't say where they are but around here you only send out invitations six weeks before the event if you are planning for no one to come. 3-4 months ahead of time is more realistic especially if the wedding is being held between the may long weekend and labour day. Usually the bride's mother is the person to talk to about this kind of thing.
posted by Mitheral at 12:04 AM on June 1

I agree with Jacquilynne.

Let's look at a shower for what it is -- a big gift grab. Tacky. Traditional, but tacky. Invites via facebook? Also tacky.

On the other hand, I have a serious aversion to big fancy events, and both members of the couple know me well enough that they might have chosen not to invite me because they don't want me to feel obligated to show up.

This is kind of odd. I don't think they would not invite you to the wedding for this reason. And it's an aversion that is worth overcoming! Weddings are a traditional crisis rite that you really can't avoid unless you're avoiding life. It's love, it's family, it's friends, it's everything. And they're usually a lot of fun -- great food, dancing, and celebrating your friend's happy day.

Showers on the other hand, ugh. Be prepared for some silly games, sitting in a circle, and watching someone open all their presents.

Very bad organizing from the wedding party to send out shower invites before checking if the wedding invites were out. Try to ask around to find out if the wedding invites were indeed sent out.

But definitely go to the shower if you were invited AND want to go. No obligation though. If you do later get invited to the wedding you'll get another chance to give them a lavish gift.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 2:46 AM on June 1

Inviting someone to a shower and not the wedding would be tremendously, tremendously rude

Ouch! When my mom-in-law threw a shower for me, there were definitely a lot of people there that I did not know, and were thus not invited to the wedding. When I found out about this, ahead of time, it did make me a little uncomfortable. When I expressed that her she assured me that it was normal, and noone cared. I dunno about that, but it was a nice party, and noone seemed miffed. Maybe it helped that it was an out of state wedding, and that I obviously not the one throwing the party (she never told me that anyone got mad at her about it either).

Also, Flying Squirrel's comment about shower games might not apply; the co-ed showers I've been to have been pretty much a party, rather than a typical shower.
posted by purpletangerine at 5:18 AM on June 1

This is getting to be pretty off-topic, but:

I'm with Sidhedevil, the people throwing the shower aren't the same people throwing the wedding. Why should the guest lists line up? The commonest example I can think of where there is no expectation of reciprocality is when a co-worker hosts a shower for co-workers.

This is pretty much the only exception, because it ends up being a work thing, and people aren't specifically "invited" to work things, it's more "they're on the mailing list". Work things are kind of like children's birthday parties -- you have to invite the whole class. Even if one of the guys two rows over once knocked you down in the parking lot and stole your lunch money.

But regardless of who is hosting the shower and who is hosting the wedding, the shower hosts need to go to the effort of making sure that no one is invited to the shower -- which is a command to bring the happy couple a gift -- who isn't invited to the wedding. Yes, the couple isn't supposed to throw their own shower, but that doesn't absolve the hosts (or the couple) of the responsibility of finding out whether all of the intended shower-invitees are also intended wedding-invitees.

It is fine if a group of people sort of decide "hey, let's have a shower for X&Y, since they're getting married in Cancun and we can't join them", but then no invitations should be issued to that event, since the people who decided to hold it and give gifts are jointly hosting it, like a potluck.

That it's a small or out-of-town wedding doesn't change things. You can have a small wedding somewhere else and have a *party* in your home town. But if you call it a shower, you are requiring guests to bring gifts in celebration of an event they're not even invited to.

It's also fine to have a hometown shower with people who aren't likely to come to the wedding, even if you invite them, but that doesn't absolve you of the need to invite them. People who've RSVPed with regrets to your wedding are still fair game for shower invitations -- since presumably they didn't say 'no' because they hate you and wish you ill, but because they're otherwise committed on that day, and would be with you if they could.

It's also fine to have a small destination wedding, a large hometown reception, and a shower that invites people who are invited to the large hometown reception. You just can't make the shower itself your hometown reception.

But to have a local wedding, and a local shower, and invite people to the latter and not the former is telling them "Thanks for the stuff, sorry you weren't important enough to me to actually invite to my wedding, but at least you got to give me things."
posted by jacquilynne at 6:11 AM on June 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

If you are invited to a party, you may attend.
posted by theora55 at 6:49 AM on June 1

The shower I've been invited to is ... at the couple's home.[...] The couple does not know the second shower is happening.

Who throws a party at somebody's house without them knowing about it? This is outrageous.
If I were you, I'd quietly bow out. Your own reputation with the couple could be irrevocably tarnished if the party turns out to be an unpleasant imposition on them.
posted by Osmanthus at 7:02 AM on June 1

What Sidhedevil said.

An invitation to a shower does not mean an automatic invitation to a wedding. Never has.
posted by FergieBelle at 8:18 AM on June 1

I'm right there with jacquilynne on every single point she makes here. In my opinion, it is tremendously, unbelievably tacky to invite folks to a shower, an event which is designed around and focused on the expectation of gifts, if they were not invited to the wedding. The host is obligated by good etiquette to make certain that they are only inviting people who are also invited to the wedding.

I think there's a difference between that type of situation, though, and a group of friends mutually deciding that they love the bride and/or groom so much that they want to do something for them despite not being able to make it to the wedding/not being invited to the elopement/whatever. But then again, that kind of decision doesn't require invitations, now does it?

In this case, though, you should feel free to attend if you want to be part of the celebration. It's entirely possible that wedding invitations haven't gone out yet. You don't know if you'll be invited. Regardless, any etiquette breach was by the person who invited you, via poor planning, not the bride and groom. You can do whatever you like as far as attending or not, and as long as you actually respond to the invitation you can be confident that you've met your obligations to be polite.
posted by amelioration at 8:49 AM on June 1

Let's look at a shower for what it is -- a big gift grab. Tacky. Traditional, but tacky.

I'd like to think we're way past this. My wife had a shower--six years ago-- and was explicit in specifying "no gifts required or even expected." I think the most expensive thing anyone brought was some penis pasta.
posted by Skot at 9:59 AM on June 1

Can I go to the shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding?

Yes.

And I don't think this is particularly uncommon, especially if people have small weddings.
posted by chunking express at 9:59 AM on June 1

Is it common etiquette to send out wedding invitations so close to the date (as The Pink Superhero suggested upthread)? I thought there had to be a longer lead time, to allow people to make plans to travel, save up, get fancy clothes, etc. I'm going to a wedding in August, and I received my invitation in February -- although that may just be because the bride and groom are super-organized people.

August is still two months away, so maybe your friends just havn't got around to sending out formal invitations yet.
posted by vickyverky at 11:16 AM on June 1

jacquilynne, I could not disagree with you more. Many people really welcome the opportunity to celebrate a marriage with gifts to the new couple, especially people like family friends who have known one of the brides or grooms since childhood.

I told my friends I didn't want a shower of any kind, and a bunch of them insisted anyway, because it was something they wanted to do. It's not like all showers are held at the insistence of the bride(s) and groom(s) by any means.

Is it common etiquette to send out wedding invitations so close to the date (as The Pink Superhero suggested upthread)? I thought there had to be a longer lead time, to allow people to make plans to travel, save up, get fancy clothes, etc.

Current US etiquette, at least, suggests that invitations go out six to eight weeks before the wedding, no sooner. The communication that is suggested by etiquette mavens to address the issues you mention here is a "save the date" card, which can be sent up to six months before the wedding.

If someone asked me whether vickyverky's friends were observing strict etiquette by sending out wedding invitations in February for an August wedding, I would have to say "no"--strict etiquette would prescribe two mailings: a save-the-date card in February would be correct, followed by a formal invitation in mid-June.

That said, people should do what works best for them and is most respectful to their guests, and if it doesn't meet the strictest standards and conventions of etiquette, so what?
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:56 AM on June 1

My wife had a shower--six years ago-- and was explicit in specifying "no gifts required or even expected."

If there weren't gifts, it wasn't a shower. A shower without gifts is called "a party".
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:57 AM on June 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

Sidhedevil, I think one of the interesting, and important points, between your shower and the one that vickyverky is describing is that the folks who attended your shower had insisted on it occurring in the first place. Had they gone on and invited additional people, who were not themselves either instigating the shower or invited to the wedding, it could easily have made a distinctly gift-grubbing impression to those invitees. As the bride, and the guest of honor, you would likely have been shielded from knowing they made that impression.
posted by amelioration at 12:06 PM on June 1

A shower without gifts is called "a party."

This.

Nthing the point that inviting someone to a shower (a shower, mind you, not a party) is incredibly rude and tacky. It amounts to little more than a shakedown.
posted by pecanpies at 3:04 PM on June 1

Gods, I'm can't even criticize without making a mistake myself. Obviously, what I meant to say was that it's rude & tacky to invite someone to a shower and not invite him/her to the wedding.
posted by pecanpies at 3:05 PM on June 1

Our wedding is in August. We haven't sent out the invitations yet. We sent a save-the-date, but since then we've changed the list quite a bit. I wouldn't overthink this, just go to the shower and talk about how happy you are for the couple and just be genuine.

Am I the only one who thinks that throwing a shower is not that big of a deal? They are your friends, and you are going through something awesome (a wedding, a baby, whatever). If a friend of mine is celebrating something and throws a small party where gifts are going to be expected, I certainly don't begrudge them because they did not find some other chump to throw the party for them. I mean, whoever does throw the shower is going to have to be intimately involved with the beneficiary -- to plan the date, the location, and to get the guest list assembled. Effectively you just have a symbolic intermediary doing the dirty work for you. It seems like a bunch of smoke and mirrors dressed up as etiquette, kind of like the charade where you try to get other people to nominate you for something.

But then again I suppose this is maybe the party equivalent of self-posting, which people around here view as the moral equivalent of baby animal abuse or something. For me a party is a party, and a special occasion is a special occasion, and if you decide not to give a friend a present simply because the party was their idea then your friendship must not have been that strong to begin with.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:43 PM on June 1

If there weren't gifts, it wasn't a shower. A shower without gifts is called "a party".

No, Deathalicious, it isn't that big of a deal unless you worry about random internet people correcting you about what the proper usage of "shower" is. I'm probably going to resist the nearly overwhelming urge to go and inform my wife that she unfortunately failed to enjoy a genuine shower. I can only hope that she'll never discover the awful truth, which is that she apparently threw a "party." I can only hope to shield her from this horror.
posted by Skot at 11:36 PM on June 1

Also, apparently as a child I was having birthday showers and didn't even know it.
posted by Deathalicious at 3:56 AM on June 2

This shower/party distinction seems silly. We had a 'party' where we told people to just show up and not bring gifts. Some people brought gifts anyways -- bastards. I agree with the sentiment above, that being invited to a shower where gifts are expected, but not the wedding, does seem kind of tacky.
posted by chunking express at 6:21 AM on June 2