can't we just be friends?

May 31, 2009 12:45 PM

I accepted a date from a much younger guy and am now having second thoughts. Help me navigate this situation, which is quickly becoming really weird for me.

I am a woman in my early 20s. Recently, a guy I know confessed to me that he had a huge crush on me and that he has been nursing this crush for around five years. This guy is much younger than me (think 3-4 years younger, meaning he is in his very late teens). When he admitted his crush to me, I was shocked but really flattered. He enquired as to whether or not we could enter into a relationship. I explained that I wasn't looking to get into anything serious right now, but that I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of a FWB situation. He agreed to the FWB situation and was totally excited about it. We have not hung out or seen each other since then, but we have been in contact over text messages.

Now, days later, I am having second thoughts about the entire situation. The fact that he is so much younger than me kind of weirds me out. He is actually only a month older than my younger sibling, and I look at my sibling as a complete kid. Getting involved romantically or sexually with someone my sibling's age would just be sort of creepy, and I couldn't be proud of it or spend time with this guy out in the small town we live in without being embarrassed. The age difference is just too much for me. Also, I am admittedly loopy in love with my ex and still hold out hope of reconciling with him in a year or so. In my clearer, more introspective moments, I feel like I should be totally single for the year that I will definitely be apart from my ex. I want to do some work on myself and focus on my studies. Getting involved with anyone (younger than me or not) would probably not be healthy for me right now.

I also definitely don't want to hurt this guy or lead him on in any way, so I want to explain the situation to him as clearly and as gently as possible before we get involved with one another in anyway. He is an all-around great guy, but I feel like I can't be involved with him at all. However, I feel like saying, "You're younger than me and that makes this totally creepy, so leave me alone, okay and thanks," is totally cruel. How do I go about this as kindly as possible, in a way that minimizes his hurt?

posted by SkylitDrawl to human relations (36 answers total)

Tell him all this? I think you are over thinking this.

For the record, you are not that much older than him.
posted by sully75 at 12:50 PM on May 31, 2009

Yes, he's not "much younger" but if you've changed your mind it doesn't really matter why. Rather excellently, in your case, you don't have to tell the classic, vague white lie about having some issues you're trying to sort out regarding your ex, because you really do have some issues you're trying to sort out regarding your ex. Maybe focus on that.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 12:53 PM on May 31, 2009

With the exception of the way you phrased what you wouldn't want to say, you've stated your concerns perfectly fine. Just say the same thing to him that you did here, leaving out the word creepy. Awkward seems more fitting a word to me. Or uncomfortable.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:53 PM on May 31, 2009

Why not just tell him the last part of what you wrote here? Namely,

"I feel like I should be totally single for the year that I will definitely be apart from my ex. I want to do some work on myself and focus on my studies. Getting involved with anyone...would probably not be healthy for me right now."

Tell him you have ex issues and don't feel ready for any kind of relationship. No need to bring the age thing into it.
posted by MadamM at 12:53 PM on May 31, 2009 [5 favorites]

3-4 years is really not that big of an age difference--think of how many older people you know married someone younger than them. You're really overreacting. That said, I don't think you're into this relationship on any level, age difference or not. (The sentence about your ex says it all, really). The fair thing to do would be to go on the date and then tell him you've decided it won't work, without mentioning anything about his age. (Even if his age were the single deciding factor, it would be a fairly humiliating thing to be dumped for.)
posted by nasreddin at 12:53 PM on May 31, 2009

What's wrong with "I've had second thoughts, and it doesn't feel right. Thanks for your interest."

If you are capable of having an adult relationship, I really don't understand how this presents a dilemma, since thinking things over and having second thoughts is natural and to be expected in dating. Seems like you are looking for drama where there needn't be any, or perhaps looking for us to talk you out of your reluctance.

Having said that, your belief that a three or four year age difference is creepy or vast, just underscores how young you are.
posted by jayder at 12:55 PM on May 31, 2009 [5 favorites]

The fair thing to do would be to go on the date

Uh, no, the fair thing to do would be to not go on the date. The more time you spend with him before telling him the more he's likely to feel personally slighted, when it's clear from your question that this really is not about him at all.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 12:56 PM on May 31, 2009

The age different really isn't that great here, I think you are over thinking that part. You know what you need to think more about? This sentence: "I am admittedly loopy in love with my ex and still hold out hope of reconciling with him in a year or so." THAT is the problem with this situation.

Be kind to this guy, and tell him that you are still trying to get over your ex, and it would not be fair to either of you to pursue any kind of a relationship right now. Leave the age thing out of it.
posted by warble at 12:56 PM on May 31, 2009

I should have previewed. DO NOT mention your ex or use your ex as an excuse as all you'll be doing is saying that you *would* fuck him but not right now because you're focused on your ex. Believe it or not, there will be a time when you're not focused on this ex. It may be as soon as tomorrow and you'll want to reserve the right to date whoever the hell you want when that time comes without fearing running into this other guy who's then going to think you lied to him.'

Simply tell him, "Look, I've been thinking about my proposal and I was wrong to make it. I'm not comfortable with our age gap and I have trouble imagining getting involved with someone the same age as my younger brother [or whatever]. Sorry to have lead you on but I think it's best to nip this in the bud. Please respect my decision and don't broach the subject again. I feel bad enough already and don't want to have to restate my decision. Thanks!"
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:57 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

Since you've already accepted the date, backing out now is will come off as flaky and perhaps rude. I say, go on the date. After all, it's just a date, and you have not committed yet to anything other than having a drink with him. Now on this date, if he tries to push things into a territory where you're not comfortable, then you can just tell him that then. If you asks you on another date, you can always decline.

Also, I concur with everyone else above, you're not that much older.
posted by epimorph at 12:58 PM on May 31, 2009

epimorph, did you even read the question? She didn't agree to a drink--she suggested she'd be into a no strings attached sexual relationship. That's the opposite of what you're saying.

For the record, my parents have a 21 year gap in their ages. I've dated people 15 years older/younger.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 1:02 PM on May 31, 2009

Go on a date and then don't go on any more. I was in a similar situation and I'm not going to brush of your feelings that the age difference is weird and can feel creepy. It was too weird for me and I didn't date the person because of it. I am glad I didn't because I ended up dating a guy my age that was a much better fit. 3-4 years difference IS a lot when it means one of you is in high school and one is in college, or that one of you just started college and the other already graduated. You're in different life stages right now and it may make it hard to click on an intellectual level, as well.
posted by ishotjr at 1:02 PM on May 31, 2009

DO NOT mention your ex or use your ex as an excuse as all you'll be doing is saying that you *would* fuck him but not right now because you're focused on your ex. Believe it or not, there will be a time when you're not focused on this ex. It may be as soon as tomorrow and you'll want to reserve the right to date whoever the hell you want when that time comes without fearing running into this other guy who's then going to think you lied to him.'

The reason it's a good, sensitive idea to mention your ex (apart from that it's clearly the truth) is that it's a compassionate way to help both you and him over an awkward, embarrassing social moment, without giving offense. (There is a classic AskMe answer on this theme that I can't find for the life of me - anyone?) This whole rational strategizing thing about "what if I want to do x at y point in the future" really misses the point.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:06 PM on May 31, 2009

I also definitely don't want to...lead him on in any way...

Too late for that - you already told him you want to be FWB's. Every guy's dream relationship, BTW. Maybe not "every" but damn close.

Tell him whatever it is you're thinking. No need to lie. If it's an age thing, go with that. If it's the ex thing, go with that. If it's some other random thing, go with that. Just be truthful & everything will be good.
posted by torquemaniac at 1:15 PM on May 31, 2009

I started dating an 18 year old when I was 22 and we went out for 4 years. At that age, the age difference does seem like a lot. It ended up being a pretty good relationship though.

That said, it doesn't sound like you're in the place for this FWB situation, age difference or no.
posted by gaspode at 1:18 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

The fact that he is just graduating high school and putting his prom pictures on Facebook while I'm studying for the GRE and going to bars on the weekend makes me feel weirded out. If we were older (say, both in our 30s), I don't think this would be as odd for me.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 1:20 PM on May 31, 2009

3-4 is a big age difference when we're talking about maturity between late teens and early twenties, especially when the younger is male. There are outliers of course, but yeah, OP, I can understand why you'd be hesitant.

I don't see any reason why you can't just tell him that you're getting over your ex and you're just not ready. He's young enough that he'll bounce back before you have to worry about him hitting you up again as soon as he thinks you're over things. Minimize contact, to be sure.
posted by messylissa at 1:25 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why not split the difference? Tell him you don't want to do the FWB thing, but what the hell, go on the date. Going on a date doesn't mean you're leading him on. You don't even know if you're leading him on. People make all these decisions in advance about relationships, and then they change their minds. You might decide you're over your ex, after all. You might decide this guy is the cat's pyjamas. You might decide he's a kid. Go to the zoo and look at the animals, and have an ice cream cone. Big deal.

The mistake you're making is assuming that you are responsible for this guy's happiness. You're not. Just be up front about where your head is at, and spend some time with him on a no-commitment-to-anything-not-even-sex basis, and see if you've made a new friend, or if you want to sleep with him after all, or whatever.

I think it's great you're saying you're going to not date anyone for a year, but you know that's not going to actually happen, right?
posted by musofire at 1:32 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Recently, a guy I know confessed to me that he had a huge crush on me and that he has been nursing this crush for around five years

If you have sex with the a guy who's had a five year crush on you, most likely he will develop intense feelings for you, no matter what you say or do. Do not let this go that far. Do yourself and himself a favor by saying "No way, no how, not gonna happen, not any of it, apologies for the seeming attention, but I've thought it over and I'm just not into you in that way. Period, full stop, we will not be in a relationship and we won't be having sex." Tell him exactly why, you're weirded out by the age difference. Do not mention the "If we were both in our 30s, maybe" because all his crush induced ears will hear is "I have a shot, at some point!" You need to totally and completely telegraph that this relationship isn't going to happen.

Then leave him the fuck alone, don't try to be his friend or hang out or talk on the phone or text or poke each other on Facebook. He's got a a five year crush you on that you're seemingly unaware of it, while you're pining for an ex, yet realizing you have issues to work on. There's no way this can end well.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2009 [5 favorites]

You will probably be viewing your younger sibling as a complete kid well into your 30s.

That said, if it bugs you, it bugs you. I don't think FWB-type things work if you have some serious misgivings.

That said: you're young, and making mistakes is what being young is for. Just be safe in whatever you do. Maintain control, and if this 19 year-old has had a crush on you since he was 14 (!?)... make absolutely certain you and him are on the same page about what's going on.
posted by fleacircus at 1:46 PM on May 31, 2009

If this guy has been nursing a crush on you for the last five years, he's not going to be able to handle a FWB situation well enough so this doesn't explode in everyone's faces. This is just not something I would expect anyone, let alone a teenager, to be able to handle.
posted by Mikey-San at 1:49 PM on May 31, 2009

Well, the handy rule of thumb is not to date anyone younger than (your age)/2 + 7. I actually think it works pretty well for a silly rule, but if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.
posted by Durin's Bane at 1:50 PM on May 31, 2009

I agree that the difference between 18/19 and 22/23 is quite significant. And if he has had a crush on you for five years, this is huge to him. He was in seventh or eighth grade when this started. So be careful.

People who are important to you at this age can have a way of staying important to you for decades, in one way or another, even just in your heart. Was it Vonnegut who said we spend the rest of our life figuring out our childhood and teenage years because they are so vivid and intense? This could be a lifelong friendship, or a scar and lesson learned, or the person you reconnect with a decade later and marry, who knows?

Anyway, it sounds like you know all this, so just continue to operate from your careful and responsible side. Here are some more concrete suggestions:

Keep your spoken message simple. Saying less is better. Whatever you say will be magnified and mulled over and re-interpreted.

Do not say anything negative about him. It could stick with him or be misinterpreted. Don't say it'd be weird to be seen in public with him. And leave the age thing out of it. He may be younger than you, but he's the oldest he's ever been. He's as old as his friends, and he's old enough for the woman he took to the prom.

Really, don't talk about him at all. It's not your job to pass judgment. Talk about yourself. "I am admittedly loopy in love with my ex and still hold out hope of reconciling with him in a year or so."

What you're changing now is actually a very minor shift. You've already told him you don't want anything serious, and now all you're doing is saying that you realize a FWB thing won't work and you don't want to try (and as Mikey-San said, it won't).

Be respectful. Don't be pitying or condescending; at whatever age, he can take care of himself and find someone else.

Since you're saying so little, your undertone and attitude are everything. To get that undertone right you might fix in your head an image of him finding someone else and being an awesome boyfriend to her, and them eventually heading off into the future together. Imagine him as a nice mature 28-year-old, getting married to someone he loves. That way you'll be saying "this won't work," with a sort of detached respect that lets him go forever while nonverbally affirming him as someone who would be a good, solid partner.
posted by salvia at 2:17 PM on May 31, 2009

Those who are saying three or four years aren't much aren't thinking about the actual ages involved. 40 dating 36 is nothing. 15 dating 11, 17 dating 13, and 22 dating 18 are very, very different. The vast majority of people will mature and change significantly between 18 and 22--that's why when "I'm an 18-year-old who is getting married to my high school girlfriend" questions pop up all of the answers are "FULL STOP!"

I can totally understand why you'd be weirded out by this situation. Tell him you've rethought things and the age difference at this point bothers you. Don't mention the ex (P.S. you should probably at least casually date other people rather than staying totally hung up on the ex).
posted by schroedinger at 2:18 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

I couldn't be proud of it or spend time with this guy out in the small town we live in without being embarrassed.

I want to do some work on myself and focus on my studies.

Getting involved with anyone (younger than me or not) would probably not be healthy for me right now.

Excellent reasons to not do this. It's not right for you, right now. Speaking as a guy who has dated older women, just treat him like a mature adult human being:

0. Don't mention age, don't mention awkward, don't mention ex.
1. A text might be rude, meeting face-to-face in a neutral place like a coffee shop might be too awkward.
2. Phone call:

"I was and am totally flattered by what you said. It made it hard to think straight. When things settled down in my head I realized that, not only would a relationship be bad, but even friends-with-benefits. This is an intense time for me, and I need to focus on my studies and keep my head screwed on straight. I'm sorry if I led things in the wrong direction; like I said I was totally flattered and caught up in the excitement until I thought hard about it later. So, you're awesome, but because of my life situation right now, I can't see you. Catch you later. Bye."
posted by zeek321 at 2:41 PM on May 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

He is an all-around great guy, but I feel like I can't be involved with him at all. However, I feel like saying, "You're younger than me and that makes this totally creepy, so leave me alone, okay and thanks," is totally cruel.

Why is it "totally cruel" to say (honestly): "I think you're a great guy, but I realized I can't date someone so much younger than me"? It seems like about the least offensive way you could reject someone, since (1) neither of you has any control over how old you are, and (2) it's universally understood that people have varying preferences about how much of an age difference they're comfortable with.

To the above commenters who said "he's not much younger": if the OP, at age 23, feels that a 19-year-old is "much younger" than her in the dating context, that's a completely reasonable opinion about what's right for her. That's what should guide her actions, not the views of you or me or any other random internet users.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:08 PM on May 31, 2009

Oh, one more thing occurred to me right after I hit post ... I'm a 28-year-old guy. If I were single and in communications with a woman who's 6 years older than me (which would probably a less significant age difference than what you're talking about), and I thought it had a lot of potential, but she suddenly told me, "You're a great guy, but I realized this isn't going to work. I'm 33, and I just cannot see myself dating a guy in his late 20s" ... I would be very impressed by how sensitively she let me down. I'd have nothing but respect for this. How could I possibly take offense?
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:14 PM on May 31, 2009

SkylitDrawl, from the way that you write about it, I think you should just kiss him. At that point, you'll know what you should do.
posted by demagogue at 4:18 PM on May 31, 2009

Then leave him the fuck alone, don't try to be his friend or hang out or talk on the phone or text or poke each other on Facebook. He's got a a five year crush you on that you're seemingly unaware of it, while you're pining for an ex, yet realizing you have issues to work on. There's no way this can end well.

This.

You, in fact, cannot be friends.

Tell him you're not interested, sorry for making it seem otherwise, and then don't speak to him. You don't have to go cold-hearted bitch and give him the permanent silent treatment every time you bump into one another. But, you need to be busy every time he wants to do something.

I've been this dude. Every bit of attention you're giving him is (irrationally) feeding into his crush. This dude, I promise you, is not capable of compartmentalizing friendship and romance with regards to you. If you let him, he'll hang out with you every day for years... hoping that, one of those days, you'll change your mind. He'll ignore other girls, even ones throwing themselves at him, to come fold your laundry. 'Cause, in his mind, if he scores enough points with you, eventually you'll realize how much you love him too.

Ideally, he'd realize that he'd be better off looking elsewhere. But, it would help immensely if you do not try to be his friend.

(This exact situation is why I had a rule of never dating a person, being into them, them not being into me, and then being their friend. It's not helpful for what you can never have to meet you for beers on Tuesday.)
posted by Netzapper at 5:02 PM on May 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

Just graduating from high school? Is he eighteen or older? Because if he isn't, I can think of an enormous reason this is a Very Bad Idea.
posted by 4ster at 7:58 PM on May 31, 2009

Thanks for all the great advice, you guys. I really appreciate it and have taken it to heart.

Yes, he's 18. He's only been 18 for a few months, though. He's a great guy, but it just really isn't a good idea for either of us.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 8:43 PM on May 31, 2009

Netzapper: That situation, of turning a big crush into a friendship, is very difficult the first time, and requires a lot of patience on both sides. But like most things, it's easier the second time, and even easier as you get more practice in it. Though it never quite gets easy. But easy enough for you to wonder why it was so difficult the first time.

That said, I wouldn't really want to put up with an 18yo working through that the first time, eep no.
posted by Casuistry at 9:29 PM on May 31, 2009

FWIW, I started dating someone who had just turned 19 when I was almost 25. We are still together and despite my initial concerns that he was too young and it couldn't work, it has in fact, worked for several years now.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:47 AM on June 1, 2009

Wait, he's had a crush on your for five years and you only want a "friends with benefits" situation? That's just cruel.

The problem is not that he's too young, it's that he's too inexperienced. You have had the time to have a variety of relationships, you know yourself better, and he's not even out of high school. Think of how much your world opens up once you leave high school.

He enquired as to whether or not we could enter into a relationship. Yeah, this is something an inexperienced guy says.

Meet up with him in a few years and he'll probably be more datable.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 2:58 AM on June 1, 2009

1. Don't hold out hope for the ex. That's a waste of time. If things happen with the ex in the future, great (or maybe not great because usually they're an ex for a reason), but don't sit there hoping for it.

2. You already know you don't want to hook up with him. You wouldn't be thinking about it so much if you did, even a little. So don't hook up with him, and that's OK.

3. If you know the guy pretty well, go on the date. It'd be rude to totally cancel (although OK if you REALLY don't want to go on it!). During or after the date explain to him that you want to be totally single for a while.
If you don't know the guy that well and you don't feel like you owe him the date (not that you OWE it to him, but if he's a friend it would suck to be cancelled on), but if you don't know him that well and don't want to go on the date, call him and just tell him that you think the date is not a good idea since you want to be totally single for a while.
*IF* he doesn't accept those answers then maybe use the ex as an excuse, it might be easier for him to let go of the idea of you and him if he knows there's still someone else in the picture.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:01 AM on June 1, 2009

The huge emotional discrepancy (you're already having second thoughts, regardless of the reason, while he's already totally invested and wholly excited) alone should be reason enough for you to call off this date. Tell him you reconsidered things again, think the age difference would make things too weird, thank him for his compliment, and then stop talking to him. Don't lead him on.

Consider also that if he's had a 5-year-crush on you, he started liking you when he was 13 and you were 17. When you're the 8th grader just about to step into the big bad world of High School and you meet someone who's about to graduate, about to be an adult, that person can seem like the coolest person in the world. Might there a bit of idealism and hero-worship colouring his perception? Maybe he's dated around a lot when he was in High School, but it seems more likely that he's really just been nursing this one crush. He doesn't really know what he wants yet, or how to live life on his own, and that's one of the reasons a high school grad and a university grad do differ a lot in maturity. That's a perfectly valid reason to not want to date someone, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it.
posted by Phire at 12:54 PM on June 2, 2009