asking the roommate to close the toilet lid

May 30, 2009 6:58 PM

This sounds so dumb it's embarrassing, but I find the idea of flushing the toilet with the lid up to be seriously gross, imagining this spray of human waste clouding the bathroom with every flush. More often than not, this is how my roommate leaves the toilet and, one presumes, flushes. Is there a way I can say "Hey, dude, do you mind flushing with the lid down? Because it's gross to leave it up and squicks me out," without sounding like a complete loon? Or crazy or super anal? If your roommate asked that of you would you think he was just nuts? Would it be an unreasonable request?

I like to think of myself as pretty normal and we don't have any real issues as roommates. I do have slight germophobe tendencies that I mostly successfully ignore. But whenever I walk into the bathroom and see the lid up...ick! If it's relevant I feel the same way about peeing standing up at home but I know where to draw the line, I think.

posted by anonymous to human relations (74 comments total)

Would it be an unreasonable request?

Yes. Germaphobic stuff like this is infuriating.
posted by mullacc at 7:02 PM on May 30 [21 favorites]

From what I've read, your fears are legit.
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1839
If you do train them to shut the lid, If your germophobia is even slight, give the underside a good wipe with disinfectant before leaning back!
posted by Redhush at 7:04 PM on May 30

You cannot address the bathroom behavior of a roommate without sounding like a loon.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:06 PM on May 30 [37 favorites]

If you asked me more-or-less as a favor to you, I wouldn't mind. "Hey, I have this germ thing. I once read that...[explain what you told us]... I think they recommended that people flush with the lid down. I know, this is probably totally unreasonable. But it would make me a lot more comfortable if you did this." Just avoid any hint of "you are gross" and "closing the lid is what good and decent people do."
posted by salvia at 7:10 PM on May 30 [8 favorites]

Keep your toothbrush in your room, and enter the bathroom only with a surgical mask on.
posted by nitsuj at 7:10 PM on May 30 [3 favorites]

Would it be an unreasonable request?

Most definitely.
posted by frobozz at 7:11 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your roommate; if you can joke about your slight germophobic tendencies then I think this request would be a little more okay. Towards that end could you frame it as something where you can both laugh at the fact that you're a bit kooky about germs (well, from some people's perspectives at any rate - personally I think the request isn't such a bad one) but that people leaving the lid down really would help you out? A low-key, "laughing at myself" approach seems to work well with me, so long as I don't play the germophobe card too often or on too many things ...
posted by DingoMutt at 7:16 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Yeah, the way to frame this request is not "I'm a crazy germaphobe and doing this would settle my paranoia" but instead "Mate, could I ask you, as a favour, to close the lid of the toilet when you're done? No biggie if you don't but if you did, it would make me a lot more comfortable."

If the roomie says yeah, no worries, then you're set, but remember to give them a free pass if they forget to do so a few times for the first month or so, with a gentle reminder every now and then. So much so that they remember but not so much that it seems you're nagging them.
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:16 PM on May 30

Don't be silly about it or demonstrate the issue with passive aggressive play acting.

Sit your roommate down and say something along the lines of...

This sounds so dumb it's embarrassing, but I find the idea of flushing the toilet with the lid up to be seriously gross, imagining this spray of human waste clouding the bathroom with every flush. So can I say "Hey, dude, do you mind flushing with the lid down? Because it's gross to leave it up and squicks me out," without sounding like a complete loon? Or crazy or super anal? Would it be an unreasonable request?

If your roommate doesn't comply, then your roommate is an ass and you'll be posting another question in a week or two.
posted by mattoxic at 7:19 PM on May 30

So much so that they remember but not so much that it seems you're nagging them.

The thought of that MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. WHY ARE YOU WATCHING WHAT I DO IN THE BATHROOM? Being asked once, OK, I'll try to oblige. Being watched and reminded? Eeeeeeeeeeeeee. I think your energy might be better channeled into working out a bathroom cleaning schedule.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:20 PM on May 30 [3 favorites]

I flush with the lid up. I might argue that it's actually that it's better for any droplets to go up and then fall back down into the swirly water rather than stick to the bottom of the lid and form a permanent film that very slowly accumulates. There's not going to be any microscopic droplets of toilet water floating in the air because really there just isn't anywhere near enough aeration and agitation in a toilet flush to cause that to happen. So I'd consider a rule about it unreasonable unless I'm a guest, in which case I'm fine either way.
posted by crapmatic at 7:24 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

Watching the slomo toilet flush in this recent episode of "Time Warp" on Germs might prove persuasive.
posted by Dr. Zira at 7:25 PM on May 30

My roommate has this very same fear. She approached it with good humor and without any hint of moral superiority. I was happy to comply. It did take me a bit to get trained, she was also pretty patient and didn't nag when I forgot from time to time. We all have our quirks, and I was happy to accommodate hers and she has always been happy to accommodate mine. She does not bring this up to our guests, which I definitely appreciate, as it would make me uncomfortable to try to enforce this among my friends.
posted by lalalana at 7:27 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

"If your roommate doesn't comply, then your roommate is an ass and you'll be posting another question in a week or two."

... Um, no. OP, you can ask if you want, but this is neither normal behavior nor a normal concern. I think the absolute most you can expect is that they humor you.
posted by telegraph at 7:29 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

Unreasonable.

Do what any good closet hypochondriac would do: buy yourself a case of Lysol Brand II Infection Control Hospital Disinfectant Spray and keep your mouth shut. Seriously, nothing bad will happen.

If it makes you feel better, you can find more hospital-strength Lysol products here.
posted by aquafortis at 7:31 PM on May 30

What someone does in the bathroom with the door closed is none of your business unless it endangers your health or creates a mess. This really doesn't qualify.
posted by hermitosis at 7:32 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Having kids gives you a whole different perspective on the lid-down flush, as so:

If you put the lid down and flush after a #2, you don't know the toilet is clogged and will overflow until it actually overflows, whereas with the lid up you can verify that the contents have safely made their way into the pipes.

I will suffer the germ-spray in the bathroom rather than have to mop and disinfect the whole floor, every time.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:33 PM on May 30 [5 favorites]

Would it be an unreasonable request?

It would--mainly because it suggests that you've been monitoring his toilet habits, which is likely to make any roommate feel really fucking weird. Sorry.
If things like this are genuinely upsetting to you, you shouldn't feel guilty about it, but understand that living alone may be your best bet.
posted by applemeat at 7:35 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

You have, relative to the majority of people, extraordinary needs for how well-tended the bathroom ought to be. While it may be technically true that some germs may fly in the air while the toilet is flushing, it may also be technically true that you could avoid even more germs by wearing gloves and a mask at all times. I'm not trying outright to be a dick about this: I'm trying to frame this issue as the largely emotional/psychological issue it is. It still matters to you, and hey, butt germs are real and gross.

Keep this in mind when asking your roommate for a repeated favor that is really only being done for your benefit. Ask directly and be a little self-effacing. At the very least, leaving the lid down is a normal thing to have in a house - I tend to do that anyway. While it's not a huge amount of effort to flush with the lid down, you're still attempting to control another human being's bathroom behavior. Be mindful of how this appears.

Still, it's your space too, so if you'd like it to happen, you can make it happen.

Ask directly, with good humor. Don't go nuts with producing evidence on the germ issue unless asked for it. Be thankful and perform a favor for your roomie in return - once again, with good humor.

If your roommate doesn't comply, then your roommate is an ass and you'll be posting another question in a week or two.

No, this statement is wrong. However, if your roommate does not comply, and this still really bothers you, it may be a sign that you might have a better living arrangement with someone else, or that you might be better off living alone. Roommates are good for monetary reasons and some aspects of having company, but there are trade-offs when you live with another person.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:38 PM on May 30

Eh, depends on the phrasing, and your relationship with said housemate.

My housemate is completely normal and lovely, and if she said to me "hey, I know this sounds crazy but could you flush with the lid down because I'm freaked out about germs", I'd be fine with it. We're all allowed our little quirks.

But I've had housemates who have had lists as long as your arm about what I can and cannot do. And if that was the case, it could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Also, how would you react if they forgot do it on occasion? Just be nice about it, admit it's a slightly unusual request and try not to make too big a deal out of it.

I reckon most housemates would be okay with it. It's not exactly a huge deal to put the lid down after you do your business.
posted by indienial at 7:43 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

If your roommate asked that of you would you think he was just nuts?

Yep.

I really think of pooping as Vegas: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Ain't nobody gonna to start telling me what to do when I'm poopin'.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:57 PM on May 30 [5 favorites]

... Um, no. OP, you can ask if you want, but this is neither normal behavior nor a normal concern. I think the absolute most you can expect is that they humor you.

Um, yes. OP, we all gotta get a long, and it's not a major request, easy to comply with and your reasoning is sound.- As a few have pointed out, there will be some training, but not at all an unreasonable request- for one adult to make to another.
posted by mattoxic at 8:00 PM on May 30

Keep antibacterial cleaning wipes next to/above the toilet and wipe things down (the seat, more surfaces if you also worry about those) when you feel you need to. The air is going to have some ratio of poo particles because all air does, and I know that's hard to accept (I hold my breath when flushing public toilets because it just makes me feel a little comforted about the possibility of other people's poo particles). Concentrate on your OWN behavior, though, since that is what you have legitimate control over. If this rises to the level of keeping you from being able to carry out normal activities, see a therapist. Otherwise, don't tell other people what to do in the bathroom.
posted by so_gracefully at 8:04 PM on May 30

I would have a scary "toilet spray" article open on your computer when the roommate enters the room, then grab his attention with a "fucking gross!" exclamation. His curiosity can then be satisfied by your reading out loud the nastier points of bacterial fallout and contamination. Follow this by declaring that you yourself will be flushing with the lid down from now on, as well as keeping your toothbrush safe inside the medicine cabinet as a secondary measure.
posted by orme at 8:06 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

That's why toilets HAVE LIDS.

This is the one single thing in the world I am a germophobe about and yes I do always ask people I live with to close the lid. Everyone I've lived with has been cool about it, probably because I am pretty easy going other wise. And I clean the bathroom very regularly and thoroughly, which gets you all kinds of moral high ground in a roommate situation.
posted by fshgrl at 8:07 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Some toilets can spray droplets quite far, so I'd think "lid down" would just make it objectively worse for you as a germaphobic (more droplets sticking to surfaces, as already mentioned). I would accomodate such a germaphobic roommate, as long as he doesn't become obsessive and comes check on the lid everytime I leave the bathroom. Or puts a sign above the toilet reminding me to flush as per his preferences. Yes, there's a true story behind the sign joke. No, I'm not telling you, the parties involved would probably kill me.
posted by Iosephus at 8:11 PM on May 30

Stick your face in into the toilet at lid level and flush - do you feel anything splashing on your face? Maybe if you have a messed up toilet.

Nothing worth worrying about is flying out of there, save yourself bending over for the rest of your life to put the lid down and learn to flush with the lid up.
posted by Sonic_Molson at 8:12 PM on May 30

That's why toilets HAVE LIDS

No, it's not. It's for looks and so you don't drop your stuff (i.e. toothbrushes) into the toilet. It's not typical to close the lid when you flush, sorry.
posted by ishotjr at 8:25 PM on May 30 [6 favorites]

God, I don't think it's unreasonable in the least. I mean, provided you ask nicely and don't make a big deal about it, I don't see how it's all that different from any other negotiation between roommates.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:28 PM on May 30

Unreasonable.

Do what any good closet hypochondriac would do: buy yourself a case of Lysol Brand II Infection Control Hospital Disinfectant Spray and keep your mouth shut. Seriously, nothing bad will happen.

Yup.
posted by Beardman at 8:29 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

I think it's more crazy than unreasonable. I mean if I was your roommate I would probably do it because it's not that big of a request, but yeah I'd think you were a bit of a loon and would be waiting for the other crazy shoe to drop.
posted by whoaali at 8:34 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

If asked within the first week of living together, I'd think you were a high drama crazy person.

If asked six months in after I know you're not a crazy person, I'd probably say sure and do it. But I'd tease the fuck out of you, FOREVER.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:41 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

Attention, OCD germaphobes -- the lid, when lowered, doesn't form an air-tight seal. This "this spray of human waste" you're picturing shooting up and of the toilet bowl -- with the lid down, it's just fanning out radially from the gaps between seat and rim.

There is no escape, and the more exposure you get to germs, viruses, bacteria and whatnot, the stronger your immune system becomes.

On the other hand, Howard Hughes.
posted by Rash at 8:45 PM on May 30 [7 favorites]

Personally, I would find this very strange. I don't know a single person who does this. I've never even heard of this.
posted by reductiondesign at 8:52 PM on May 30

Scientifically you are correct. That flush does unleash an unholy cloud of bacterial laden moisture into the room. Unfortunately, I do not know how much closing the lid diminishes this horror. The good news is that despite this, you are going to get more potentially harmful bacteria off of the sink handles than from the toxic toilet cloud, and the door handle is no picnic either. If you are a serious germaphobe you will flush and leave without washing, or breathing, then find a suitable sink with a handle you can manipulate with your elbow to sanitize your hands. Purell works as well if not better to lower the germ load if you don't mind ingesting some urine and feces.
posted by caddis at 8:54 PM on May 30

and um by that I mean sanitized (not sterilized, you are not getting even close on bare skin) urine and feces
posted by caddis at 8:56 PM on May 30

That's why toilets HAVE LIDS

What do you suppose the bacterial/viral load associated with repeatedly touching a fecal aerosol-bespattered toilet seat is (WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, NO LESS!!) versus the bacterial/viral load garnered from touching random bathroom surfaces after an equivalent number of flushes?

I'll bet touching the toilet seat is worse.

Maybe the real answer is to mount a box of nitrile gloves outside the bathroom entrance which can be safely deposited in a seven-gallon biohazard trashcan accompanied by a hospital-grade HEPA germ filter.
posted by aquafortis at 8:57 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

We generally keep the lid closed. But we have cats, and one uncoordinated cat in particular, who sometimes like to jump on the toilet. No one wants to have a pee- or-poo covered (wet!) cat running around in a panic, so it's easier to just close the lid.
posted by rtha at 9:00 PM on May 30

another argument for the superior squat toilet...
posted by dawson at 9:05 PM on May 30

Your roommate is totally gonna stick your toothbrush in his bum if you nag him off about this. Put your toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and call it a day.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:16 PM on May 30 [6 favorites]

I don't think this is a totally unreasonable request to make. Living with a housemate (or anyone else) is all about adjusting to each others' odd little quirks. As quirks go, this isn't so bad. Making the request tactfully is key, but if I were in your housemate's position (assuming we were on good terms and this isn't the umpteenth weird germphobic request you've made) it wouldn't be a big deal.
posted by hattifattener at 9:18 PM on May 30

(And, yeah: don't push or nag. If your roommate isn't willing to do it as a favor, either start looking for another place, or resign yourself to having aerosolized sewage on your toothbrush like the rest of us have.)
posted by hattifattener at 9:21 PM on May 30

The Daily Planet did a show a year or so ago. I forget what they put in the toilet water, but it shone blue under a black light. Turned out the spray from flushing with the lid up went about 4-5' in all directions. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it. That said, you still have to lift the lid sometime. If you can't get your roomie to put the lid down, how about one of those disinfectant things you put in the tank so at least the spray will be a little less germ ridden?

Caddis has an excellent point about door and faucet handles. They're usually the best places to pick up transient germs. Get some Purell hand sanitizer.
posted by x46 at 9:35 PM on May 30

But grabbing the lid and lifting it/lowering it is perfectly fine? If I were an OCD germfreak, I think I'd prefer to just not touch the mess and be done with it.
posted by Precision at 9:51 PM on May 30

Perhaps meditating on the state of sanitation in poorer countries around the world and counting your blessings would help.
posted by Hildegarde at 10:14 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

That's why toilets HAVE LIDS

You really think that closing the lid actually eliminates the toilet water spray? Guess what? IT DOESNT, according to page 175 of David Bodanis' The Secret House: The Extraordinary Science of an Ordinary Day (search inside for "toilet lid"), which states:

...an estimated five to ten billion droplets of water are sent up...Lowering the toilet lid reduces their numbers, but only a bit.

I hate to do this to you germophobes, but closing the lid probably just shoots the spray sideways. So, yeah, learn to live with microscopic poop bits in your bathroom air and leave your roommate alone because you're doing it, too.
posted by mediareport at 10:14 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

I'm not germophobe at all, but I still close the thing because I see no cause to go spraying piss and shit all over the place. Never bothered trying to make anyone else comply, though.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:17 PM on May 30

This is a fascinating aspect of hypochondria I never knew existed! Once, a friend (female) chided me about leaving the lid up. "No no! I put the seat down, see?" I said.
"No, I mean you left the lid up when you flushed, but that's cool."
"Oh..."
But I still didn't understand why it would be preferable to put the seat down for a flush until now.

So excited with this revelation was I, that I just held my hand over two toilets in my house while they flushed to see if this aerosol effect is noticeable, and I'll be damned if when I licked my hand it didn't taste just the same as before. Also, I didn't feel any droplets land on my hand. Still, the evidence is overwhelming.

Do you remember ask culture vs guess culture, anonymous? It looks like the responses here are shaping up into two groups aligned to subtly different interpersonal frames of reference, a situation similar to what ask.mefis decided the case was in that thread.

Let me try to sum up my interpretation (glibly).

Group number one: respecting my roommate's needs is important to me, I would honor such a request.

Group number two: poop is not so dirty that I would worry about aerosol poop spraying into the bathroom after flushing, but pooping is so dirty that I must never be reminded that others are aware of my doing it.
Ok, just kidding, #2 is more like, "being asked to respect your needs in this way would violate my needs."

So, if your roommate is not such a communicative person, it could be easier for you to deal with the physical filth than the social fallout of broaching this taboo subject.
posted by olaguera at 10:24 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Yep, there is no way you could come off as sounding normal in requesting this. I've lived with alot of different people and I've never heard anything like this before. If I had know you for awhile, I would probably comply with your request, but I would tease you about it forever.
posted by bigmusic at 10:31 PM on May 30

I would think you were crazy if you asked me to do this, and be disturbed that you were noticing my bathroom behavior at all.
posted by srrh at 10:47 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

ok we've gotten to the point were folks have stopped reading the thread before they speak, have become repetitious, and are being sparky.
however, re having to touch a toilet lid to lift it, balderdash, I simply use the toe of my boot...
posted by dawson at 10:59 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

It is not unreasonable!! Don't mention your germ issues, just be like, "hey dude, I just read the other day that there are 342982842 germs floating around if you flush with the seat up, lets start putting it down because I am so grossed out by it now. Thanks."

Expect him to forget at first just out of habit. But hopefully as he sees it down more because of you he might remember once in a while that you asked him for a simple favor.

Then, depending on your relationship, you can remind him once in a while. I'm pretty good friends with my roommate and have to tell him every other night to turn off the lights before going to bed. It's OK to do that if they repeatedly don't do what you ask!! My roommate is still friends with me, doesn't rub the lights on his ass (hmm, doesn't quite work as well as the toothbrush on ass example above, oh well). Anyway, don't bug him every other day, but saying something once in a while is OK. It's not a hard task to as for from him!!

And no, he doesn't HAVE to do as you ask, but if he's a nice person he'll try. As I said before in some answer - if someone is asking you for a very simple favor and it'll make them feel soo much happier, and if it takes you almost no effort at all, then why not just do it!! Hopefully he'll just shrug and be like "ok sure dude" and try to remember it.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 11:07 PM on May 30

What's with all the "crazy" talk? Can't someone make one measly little request of their roommate without being accused of being a loon? Noticing that the toilet lid is up does NOT equal spying on your roommate's bathroom behavior, either.

How about this? Do you cover your mouth when you sneeze? Yes? Why not cover the large bowl of human waste and water when it sneezes all over the bathroom?
posted by orme at 11:16 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

I hesitate to point this out, but...

Your skin is crawling with zillions of germs, including fecal coliforms by the tens of millions. There's nothing you can do about, short of removing your skin.

Goodnight, everybody!
posted by Aquaman at 11:25 PM on May 30 [5 favorites]

I am cringing just thinking about you bringing this up.

Good luck!
posted by micklaw at 1:09 AM on May 31 [2 favorites]

Your fingers would collect fewer germs from tapping on the typical toilet seat than they do from using the average keyboard or mouse.

Computer Work stations contain nearly 400 times as many microbes as lavatories.
posted by Lanark at 2:05 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

There were two pieces of awesome advice in the above that shouldn't get lost in the frenzy. One is to go for the I-know-it's-nuts-please-humor-me approach. The other is, offer an enticement---you will take full responsibility for cleaning the bathroom. Hell, I'd only poop between specified hours if my roommate did all the bathroom cleaning.
posted by kestrel251 at 4:59 AM on May 31

I flush with the lid down (when there is one, unlike in most public restrooms.) But I do that more out of habit than out of fear of poop molecules. I don't think the OP's request is that out of line, and I agree with the sentiment that people should make an effort to get along. In any case, if the roommate doesn't comply, I'd say that doesn't make the roommate a bad person.

Not sure if you saw these, anon, but here's a toilet lid question from April, and here's another one about toilet lids that I posted myself in 2004.
posted by emelenjr at 5:48 AM on May 31

This isn't just an unreasonable request, it's an unreasonable thing to do, and I'll tell you why, even though it will gross you out, because chances are, you occasionally gross out your housemates because of it.

Not every turd flushes properly, especially if you eat a lot of high-fibre food. If you get into the habit of closing the lid before flushing, you can't see what happens. So, on occasion a lid-flusher blithely closes the lid, flushes, and goes about their business ... leaving a nasty surprise floating there for the next person to use the toilet.

You could always wait 'til after the flush and flip the lid to check, I suppose.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:35 AM on May 31

"... I agree with the sentiment that people should make an effort to get along."

I'd like to point out that "making an effort to get along" could also be turned around as "not making creepy requests about my bathroom use," too. That the road goes both ways seems to be evident from the answers so far.
posted by majick at 6:35 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

If your roomate complies, your germ phobia might just migrate to another behavior. Do they wash their hands well enough? What do they touch afterwards? Are they tracking germs into your home from somewhere else? The list goes on. Understand and work against your germ phobia.

Eliminating the germs that come out of the toilet when flushed will probably result in a 0.01% reduction in the germs you're exposed to in a typical day. Bacteria live and thrive on nearly every object and surface in your home, and everywhere else you go. Your immune system deals with thousands of these invaders every day without you noticing. It has evolved to be resilient and effective.

Read about these harsh cleansers. They're pretty nasty stuff, and as they dry the resulting gasses linger in the air. Then you breathe them in. Don't think of them as protecting you from germs. Think of them as being the poison to your lungs they are. Their use in hospitals is warranted as there are people there with compromised immune systems and open wounds. Their use in your home is harmful to you.

Attempts to rid the environment of germs has been linked to the rise in auto-immune disorders among children. Allergies, athsma, Crohn's etc. Our obsession with riding our homes of germs seems at best counterproductive.
posted by thenormshow at 6:52 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

I'm late to the party but I have this weird anecdote... in my friend's (newly built eco-) house, the toilet is built in such a way that you cannot flush without lowering the lid (or at least somewhat lifting it from the wall). At first I thought "what an incredibly stupid design flaw!" but have since come to wonder whether this was possibly deliberate. I still don't lower it tho, for the record.

Another anecdotal point: one ex-roommate and I had very different "ick triggers" - I hate old dried-and-stuck-to-the-plate food, and she had more issues with bathroom hygiene. It turned into a kind of "well how can you find THAT gross when you do THIS" contest and if I'm honest, as a result, I still didn't do what she requested, but only made it look as if I had (so in your specific case, I'd flush with the lid open, then lower it).

Passive-aggressive I know, but people tend to be quite set in their ways wrt what is right or wrong in such cases.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 7:18 AM on May 31

I'd suggest that it's better for you to deal with your phobia than to ask your roommate to cater to it. After all, you're going to be sharing many a toilet during your lifetime, with future roommates, house guests, romantic partners, and possibly children, not to mention the fact that public bathroom toilets don't even have lids, which might be the cause of some problems for you. Wouldn't it be better for you to come to terms with this fear rather than to ask all these people to accommodate you all your life long?
posted by orange swan at 7:23 AM on May 31 [2 favorites]

I'm with the "would feel weird to close the lid when flushing" camp, because I like to make sure the toilet actually finishes flushing. (I wouldn't hold it against you if you asked, but I probably wouldn't actually agree to do it, although I could put the lid down afterwards...)

Honestly, the lysol wipes sounds like the best approach.
posted by leahwrenn at 7:28 AM on May 31

"hey dude, I just read the other day that there are 342982842 germs floating around if you flush with the seat up, lets start putting it down because I am so grossed out by it now. Thanks."

That's not a request, that's a command. I have to say that out of all of the approaches suggested, this one would be the least likely to work.

For me personally, the thing that would be most likely to work is if the roommate asked the way Effigy2000 suggested:

"Mate, could I ask you, as a favour, to close the lid of the toilet when you're done? No biggie if you don't but if you did, it would make me a lot more comfortable."

I'd still think it was a little weird, but I might consider doing it as a favor. If you started acting like it was something that I owed you rather than a favor then I might make a point not to. I already have enough responsibilities in my life.
posted by grouse at 8:39 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

"hey dude, I just read the other day that there are 342982842 germs floating around if you flush with the seat up, lets start putting it down because I am so grossed out by it now. Thanks."

That's not a request, that's a command. I have to say that out of all of the approaches suggested, this one would be the least likely to work.

For me personally, the thing that would be most likely to work is if the roommate asked the way Effigy2000 suggested:

"Mate, could I ask you, as a favour, to close the lid of the toilet when you're done? No biggie if you don't but if you did, it would make me a lot more comfortable."

Maybe it's just me, but hearing it the way Effigy suggested would make me think "oh my god, roommate has thought about this before, I wonder how long he's been wanting to ask me... I feel so awkward, what does he think about my bathroom habits?"

The way I meant to say it was just in casual conversation, like "heyyy, I just read this. horrible, right? lets do things this way now!" not in a command-like "lets" but just a conversation-between-friends-kind-of-tone where you both are like, "hey lets do this."

This is why the internet is bad - hard to tell what someone's tone is.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:51 AM on May 31

Most answers have addressed the toilet issue specifically. But, having had many roommates in my time, I think that there is a much bigger issue here.

What do you think the chances are that, on a regular basis, you do something benign that drives your roommate up the wall?

I'll tell you. They are 100%.

If you actually go through with this silly idea, and your roommate has a spine, then you are going to find out what that behavior is. And then, I promise, you will be even less happy with your roommate situation than you are now.

My last housemate cleaned the kitchen floor with rags, which she then hung directly over the clean cutting boards. I eventually told her that this bothered me, but only after admitting to myself that if she didn't stop, I was going to get my own cutting boards and store them in my room, or move out (I eventually moved out for other reasons).

This benign behavior of yours, whatever it is, is perfectly reasonable. No sane person could fault you for doing it. Which is why, every time you refrain from doing it in the future, you are going to respect your roommate a little bit less.

I once lived with a complete lunatic who did all sorts of annoying things, but was also brimming with criticism for me. So I took on a new strategy to adapt to the situation. I kept a mental list of the most annoying things he was doing, but I kept this list in reserve. Then, every time he asked me not to do something, I agreed, and then immediately asked him not to do something. Because he was obsessed with courtesy and reciprocation, he was absolutely compelled to agree to change his own behavior under the circumstances, no matter what I asked for. Each exchange would end with him more bewildered than the last one. Finally, the creaky gears started turning, and I could see him fighting back the urge to criticize me for other things.

I sure wish I could do that to you. The behavior I'd ask you to change after the toilet lid conversation... oh, it would make your fucking head spin.
posted by bingo at 9:00 AM on May 31 [5 favorites]

If I were the roommate I'd oblige, for the simple fact that I know how frustrating it is to have to tiptoe around someone else's dirty habits. Good roommates go at lengths to accommodate each other, and if it costs me nothing to oblige (put the lid down), then I will oblige, happily.

Otherwise, one of the best pieces of advice I can give to people who have roommate issues: living on your own is one of the best favors you can do yourself.
posted by philosophistry at 1:03 PM on May 31

If I were the roommate I'd be seriously tempted to politely agree, close the lid, and poo on it.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:17 PM on May 31

If you were my roommate, and you asked me that, I'd tell you that I always put the lid down when I flush, but then I put it back up after, so it's ready and waiting for the next person.

It wouldn't be true, but that's what I'd tell you. Just to make you think things were okay, as if it makes a damned bit of difference anyway.

Then, I might try to remember sometimes, but mostly I'd forget, because bathroom behaviour is something our parents literally train into us before we're old enough to learn damned near anything else, and it's not the sort of thing I'd put a high enough priority on to really relearn.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:23 PM on May 31

My husband trained me to do this after we were married. It's been five years, and at this point, I wouldn't think of NOT doing it.

I am not a germophobe (less so than most women I know, quite frankly) but he asked specifically for it (for exactly the reason the OP is saying) and I said OK, fine. It's a little thing and it's easy and it makes life together a little smoother. Granted, someone may be more willing to change habits like this for a spouse than for a roommate (just a different level of commitment) but I don't really think it's obnoxious to ask. Just don't harp on it afterwards--that WOULD be obnoxious.
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:25 PM on May 31

No offense to the OP and others of that persuasion, but ....

Ever thought about the door handle on the bathroom? On the toilets at work, the gym ... etc?

Ever had some nuts or chips at the bar? Know what the E.coli count might be there?

Ever farted in bed (or anywhere else as far as that goes), now follow that train of thought for a minute or two ...

How far are you prepared to go - gloves and mask? Live in sterile, isolated environment?

If living a germ-free life is important to you, that is your perogative and good luck to you. If I was to tread that path I would think though that there are a lot of things to start on before I got to the bugs in the toilet flush.

Living alone, as others have suggested, would be a good start.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:44 AM on June 1 [2 favorites]

Everyone here is wrong. I never thought twice about the state of the toilet lid until I moved in with my (now) husband. He explained that he was raised to put the lid down and mentioned about the spray everywhere. I suppose it helps that I had read about how that "poop smell" in a bathroom actually *is* poop particles, and I had no problem with it. It doesn't hurt to ask. Whether or not roomie will do it is another matter, and how to address it after the fact is something I can't answer.
posted by frecklefaerie at 9:19 AM on June 1

You could try phrasing it as something not germphobic, e.g. "Hey, my phone/wallet/toothbrush fell out of my hand/pocket and down the toilet and it was gross -- please help me avoid that happening again by keeping the lid down."

I've been putting the lid down since I read The Big Necessity, but I'm well aware that it won't prevent all the fecal horrors of the toilet from spilling out.
posted by vickyverky at 12:48 PM on June 1