My wife had cybersex with someone else. What should I do?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Unbeknownst to me, my wife has been having cybersex with random people on Yoville, an avatar-driven chat room thing. I don't have a Yoville account, nor do I want one. I don't feel like I have the time. She and I have been married for about three years. We have two little kids, both of whom take up the rest of my time when I am not at work. She stays home during the day and goes to community college a couple nights a week. She complains about not having a social life and goes out three or four times a month with girl friends to eat, see movies, go to shows. She says that I don't take her out enough. When I do take her out, it's not good enough. A couple days later she will complain about something I said or didn't say during the date. A couple days after that she will start asking to go out again and saying we never go out.
Things have actually been good between us lately. We had a rough patch through the winter and seemed to have survived it together for the better. About a week ago she bought some weed from a classmate. Last weekend she told me she was smoking weed late at night. Tuesday night she went out with a friend to see a movie after I got home from work. She came home at 11 and turned on the TV. I asked her to come to bed. She said she wasn't tired and slept on the couch. Wednesday morning I found a log on our computer of her Yoville chats. She has been inviting men into locked rooms and masturbating with them.
I was surprised. My wife is a very jealous person. If I don't come straight home from work she accuses me of f-ing someone else. If I'm unhappy with something she has done and I am critical of her she accuses me of f-ing someone else. If she calls me and I let it go to voicemail she accuses me of f-ing someone else.
She is obsessed with infidelity. Her ex-boyfriend apparently cheated on her and for doing so deserves to burn in hell. Her father cheated on her mother and caused them to be divorced. Early in our marriage, my wife told me she would kill me if there was someone else besides her. This was on a night when I was working late, or took too long at the grocery store, I can't remember.
On our son's first birthday, I went to the store to pick up his cake. I bought some picnic chairs and charcoal while I was there. It took about an hour. She accused me of seeing someone else.
We went to marriage counseling for a while and one of the things I complained about was constantly being accused of cheating. It is not normal. I have not ever cheated on her. Her dad told me that her mother did the same thing to him, for seventeen years, accused him of cheating on her. Then he did.
I have no desire to cheat on my wife. One wife, one woman and all of the struggle and problems that go along with a relationship are enough for me.
If we didn't have kids, things would be different. Clearly. But this is not a thought experiment. This is real life. What I think is best for the kids and her and me is that we find a way to stay together and take care of each other as best we can. I would rather make this work than see each of us live broken for the rest of our lives.
I see people with young children who live apart angry at each other. It looks like an awful alternative to the struggling, little family we have now.
So, things have been going well and for the last couple months my wife hasn't been accusing me, as much, of cheating on her.
Wednesday morning as I'm on my way out the door, wondering why she didn't sleep in the bed with me, I check the computer to see if she was up late screwing around on the internet. The browsing history in Safari was gone. She knows how to use the Private Browsing feature. Instead of doing that, she used Clear History.
She hadn't covered all of her tracks. I could see that she was, again, searching for her ex-boyfriend. She had done the same thing a couple months ago. I asked her about it and she first lied, then apologized. This, by her own admission, was a mistake; a violation of her own moral code.
Being the moral relativist that I am, I can only hope that each person holds themselves accountable for the mistakes they have made, as they define them. As I find someone whose sense of right and wrong agrees with mine, I begin to trust that person.
I don't know that searching for your ex-boyfriend on myspace is axiomatically right or wrong, or neither. It's probably neither. But in my wife's mind, it is wrong. She knows it and she tried to cover her tracks after doing it, again.
I can't even use myspace because my wife scours the pages of my friends and gets angry with me if another female has pictures of me on their page. Our first fight was about pictures of me on someone else's myspace page. Pictures that were taken and posted long before she had even met me. She harassed my friend until she deleted the pictures. These were pictures of me and her with arms around each other's shoulders. Harmless stuff, I thought. She didn't agree. I quit using myspace.
I look a little more deeply in the history on our computer and I am shocked. Chat logs of her talking about sex on Yoville with random men. It was like that scene in a movie where the horizontal and the vertical sway back and forth and blur. I couldn't believe it. Here she is asleep in our house and I'm in the kitchen reading what she was writing that night she stayed up smoking weed. Asking some guy if he likes oral sex.
I keep reading. The log goes back for months. Beginning at the end of March onward, on multiple occasions, she had cybersex with random men. The meetings appeared random, but she would maintain cyber contact with them. One guy stopped responding, but she would leave notes on his cyber door asking him how he was doing.
This situation is so unique and bizarre to me, I have no idea what to do. No background experience to draw upon for guidance. No one I know to whom I feel I can turn for advice. It's embarrassing for me, and in the context of our lives together, just plain weird.
That being said, these trysts seem to have remained online and not progressed into IRL affairs. But I don't know. The sight of what I have seen has spread uncertainty throughout my mind as I think about my relationship with my wife. If this is possible, what isn't?
Wednesday night she came home high and drunk from school and started badgering me about why I was being so quiet. She knows something is wrong. I have not told her what I found. I have been a bit withdrawn for a couple days.
Please help me understand this situation and advise me as to what best I should do.