Hook-up: Good. Feelings after hook-up: bad.

May 27, 2009 1:54 PM

So I got a little action this weekend with a friend of a friend (yay!). I gave him my phone number, etc., but don't really think I'll ever see him again. How do I keep myself from feeling down about that?

It isn't as though I've been rejected, it's more that the whole thing was a lark, and seems pretty self-contained (a bunch of people who don't know each other stay together in a house for a weekend; crazy things happen; then everyone goes back to their lives). But now, the euphoria of the moment itself has worn off, and I find myself feeling, on a smaller scale, the same emotions I feel when I've been dumped.

How do I get myself to just enjoy that a good hook-up happened?

posted by ocherdraco to human relations (27 comments total)

You don't? I honestly don't believe that women are supposed to, biologically, feel ok about this. Bold statement, I know, but hear me out. I'm not saying women CAN'T feel ok with situations like this, but simply that it's artificial and/or forced. It's an artifact of will power.

I'm sure people will tell me I'm sexist or some such, and that's fine.

So you either force it away with will-power (grr, hear me roar), or learn from the experience and change tactics in the future.
posted by phrakture at 1:59 PM on May 27 [3 favorites]

I genuinely don't want to sound dismissive, but I would suggest not dwelling on it by, for example, asking AskMe questions about it, and going out and creating some more good memories instead, whether with friends, on your own, on dates, whatever.

This advice is inappropriate for crippling sadness or other seriously negative thoughts, of course. But honestly, when the feelings are more mild, distraction sometimes is the answer, and in-depth introspection on getting rid of the feeling is not.

Step away from the computer...
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 2:01 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

phrakture - you're not sexist, you're just plain wrong. I know significantly more women that are perfectly fine about casual hookups than the men I know. And, as a male, I can say that I've been in the exact same emotional spot as ocherdraco.
posted by zerokey at 2:03 PM on May 27 [7 favorites]

Everyone (not just women) can get emotionally confused after a sexual encounter. It's okay to feel that way, and it will pass.

I would probably give myself permission to feel a little sad for a little while, and then I'd say "time's up!", move on with my life, and feel good about the experience as a whole. When something has a beginning and a middle, it can be sad to come to the end.
posted by juliplease at 2:08 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

Are we sure that the poster is female? Who said the poster is a she?
posted by spicynuts at 2:15 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

ah...profile. ok.
posted by spicynuts at 2:15 PM on May 27

yup, I'm a woman.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:16 PM on May 27

Though +10 points for not automatically being heteronormative, spicynuts. I heartily approve.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:16 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]

I think the advice to just keep busy and distracted is good. Your feelings are ok, and they will pass, but it will probably be a smoother, quicker process if you're not dwelling.
posted by owtytrof at 2:25 PM on May 27

Oxytocin. A bonding hormone that is released during touch/sex. It may give you that feeling of abandonment. The good thing is that it will work it's way out of your body I. A few days to a few weeks. So just take the "dumped" feeling and feel it as the chemical in your system.
posted by Vaike at 2:27 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]

I'm a dude, and I can relate to this feeling. I've been in a longterm relationship for a while now but when I was single and running around I never really enjoyed one night stands, they just left me feeling hollow. I'd spend some time thinking about why you feel the way you do. One size does not fit all.
posted by nola at 2:38 PM on May 27

Agreeing with distraction. Don't dwell on it, but if a little moment of happiness about it pops up then by all means savor it.

Funny enough, your question just made me nostalgic for good hook up moments (in the aftermath of which I felt similarly to how you feel now, so it does pass!).
posted by KAS at 2:38 PM on May 27

I totally forgot about all the brain chemistry that's going on in these situations. It makes me feel less like a dope when I think that I'm essentially coming down off a high induced by hooking up. Now I just have to get the oxytocin jingle from Radiolab out of my head.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:40 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

We often intellectually examine sexual and emotional feelings. Sometimes that's good - but other times the mind is wrong and the body or heart is right.

You gave into a moment of sexual energy that was inviting and fun and that's it. Your mind now wants to get in on the action after the fact and put it's two cents in and it doesn't have a clue. Do you hear a little voice that says you should expect more and that's why you should feel dumped? Tell you're head to butt out. You had a good time. Your body recognized the opportunity and enjoyed the moment. You have nothing to feel dumped about.

Now if your mind is a little bit right and you are expecting more from a moment that probably won't offer you any - you have to come to terms with that. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. We are somewhat conditioned by various social constructs to expect more from lots of things in life. But sometimes life just offers little moments that need to be appreciated for what they were - an experience that was enjoyable for a little while and that's it.
posted by dog food sugar at 2:52 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]

Soo.. if we're talking brain chemistry, that means what I said before, about it being biological still stands :)
posted by phrakture at 2:53 PM on May 27

Oxytocin. A bonding hormone that is released during touch/sex. It may give you that feeling of abandonment. The good thing is that it will work it's way out of your body I. A few days to a few weeks. So just take the "dumped" feeling and feel it as the chemical in your system.

That is not how it works. Oxytocin does not "work its way out of your body." It's a neurotransmitter that's implicated in many different social interactions, and you don't crash off of some sort of oxytocin high when you have sexual contact with someone.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 2:53 PM on May 27

I've always felt a little empty and distraught in the week or so after a hookup. I find I look at the situation with some fondness after a month or two. These days I avoid hookups because I'm crap at saying goodbye and not dwelling on things. I know I'll invest too much psychological energy into it afterward, so I do what I can to not let anything happen to begin with.
posted by HotPatatta at 3:40 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

How do I keep myself from feeling down about that?

You don't. If you are disappointed, don't run away from it. Just feel disappointed. It is totally normal.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:43 PM on May 27

I can certainly attest that this isn't simply a "girl thing" (though anecdotal evidence would claim it's more common with women) - some people just aren't wired for having hookups without emotional side effects, as much as we might like to be. Having been there, I nth the suggestion of distraction; in particular, try to engage in some fun bonding activities with any close friends you might have - ultimate frisbee, watching a bad movie together, board game night, whatever works for you. This too shall pass.
posted by NMcCoy at 4:04 PM on May 27

Been there, done that. Nthing distraction, so long as distraction does not include more one-night stands.

This should be obvious, but, um, yeah. Just thought I'd put it out there.
posted by coppermoss at 4:54 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

Use the feeling. Make a poem, journal entry, song, youtube short. Not that that's going to make it better or go away.
posted by sammyo at 7:41 PM on May 27

Sometimes hook-ups aren't worth it, when totaling all of the pluses and minuses including how you feel afterwards.

I've been there far too many times before I finally learned not to bother. Good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date. That's how it made me feel afterwards. Used.

But try telling that to your deliciously flattered previous self, all awash in flirtatious neurotransmitters and the high of sexual thrill. Sometimes the only winning move is not to play.
posted by marble at 9:14 PM on May 27

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”
posted by naplesyellow at 9:33 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]

But try telling that to your deliciously flattered previous self, all awash in flirtatious neurotransmitters and the high of sexual thrill. (marble)

That's precisely the feeling I wanted to get back to. But you can't get back, can you? Not without going against coppermoss's extremely sound advice.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:08 AM on May 28

Why don't you call him?
posted by Carol Anne at 4:59 AM on May 28

Because I don't have his number, and can't ask the friend he's a friend of, because, erm...well, it gets stupidly complicated in the way these things seem to do (and I'd prefer not to go into detail about that). I've sent him a friend request on Facebook, and as he hasn't yet responded, I think it's probably best to just let this one go.

It was fun, though.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:48 AM on May 28

Having had a similar experience recently, I have to admit - though I am not a Buddhist or a meditator - that one thing that helped was using the mindfulness meditation technique of trying to just notice and acknowledge how I was feeling, without getting caught up in the mental litany of my annoyance/disappointment etc. I wasn't always able to do this, but it was better than either trying to squash and deny my emotions or just giving them free reign. Like you, I was happy about hooking up, but couldn't help feeling a little bad when after all this closeness there was just - nothing - even though it wasn't like we were all that compatible anyway.

Distractions are good, but when those feelings come up, as they will for a little while, try to just look at them and think, oh, I'm feeling hurt (or whatever), without getting invested in the emotion, especially since it doesn't seem to be based in deep feelings on your part. I suggest this because it sounds like - as it was with me - these negative feelings are sort of rote emotions and not an entirely accurate reflection of how you feel about this situation.

Then remind yourself of the positives, as you already seem to be doing, and try to cultivate feeling detached from expectations about possible futures with this person. It was what it was, and although it might have been nice if it had led to other things as well, that isn't what's happening, and that's ok too, since you did get to have this fun experience that in itself was worthwhile.
posted by sumiami at 2:00 PM on May 28