Depression and Parenting

May 25, 2009 3:08 PM

I'm going through a severe period of depression, and I'm having a hard time being a good parent. Can anyone give me advice on how to get through this without traumatizing my children?

I've suffered with depression and severe mood swings for years. I'm currently on bipolar medication, which has been working well for me. But for the past week, a perfect storm of work anxiety, rainy weather, and what I suppose is some brain chemistry wonkiness has put in the worst depression I've experienced for years, long before I had my two young children. While before, I would have just stayed in bed for a week or two, now I need to be a productive adult. But I'm having a hard time cooking, cleaning, and not bursting into tears, to say nothing of trying to play with my kids or show interest in anything around me. I can't sleep, I can't muster up anything beyond a flat affect, and everything makes me cry.

My husband is being amazingly supportive and helping where he can, but I feel like all the order I'm supposed to keep up at home is falling into chaos, and I'm afraid my kids will grow up to complain about their crazy mom to their therapist. With milder depressions, I've been able to just fake normalcy and keep everything going as it should, but I just don't have the energy right now.

When I was younger, I was hospitalized a few times for suicide attempts, but now that I have children, I no longer think about hurting myself because I can't imagine sending a message more horrible to your kids than mommy didn't want to stick around to see you grow up. But my experience in psych wards has taught me that being locked up with genuinely crazy people is not the solution I'm looking for. For the record, I have no desire to hurt anyone else either. The damage to my family that I'm worried about comes strictly from my inability to do or react to anything. Obviously if I don't get better soon, I will call my doctor and see if he can adjust my medication, but I won't be able to see him for a week or so. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do to get by until the depression lifted?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (16 answers total)

Call your doc today and get a med adjustment. Mine used to do that over the phone when necessary.

And yes, the weather probably has something to do with this-can you obtain a sun lamp? I'm not kidding.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:18 PM on May 25, 2009

GET HELP. I don't mean medical help - I mean cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids help. If you had two broken legs, no one (I hope) would expect you to still be doing all the housework. Maybe you can hire a middle school girl to come over and be "a mother's helper"? Do you have a friend who can take the kids for a few hours? An older woman, maybe from church or the neighborhood who might come and help you out, so you can do the chores together? You can't carry all of this and your husband is already doing as much as he can so look beyond your nuclear family and ask for the help that you need.

Finally, in the past the worst of the depression only lasted a week or two. Being less than 100% available to your children for a week or two is not going to ruin their lives, especially if you are clear that you love them but you aren't feeling well.

If you are crying in front of the kids sometimes, let them know that sometimes the feelings part of your brain gets a little out of adjustment and your brain starts giving you really sad feelings even though there is nothing wrong. So if they see you being sad, it is not that their fault, there isn't really anything sad or bad happening, you are just having these feelings. Depending on how much you want to disclose, you might tell them you are going to be talking to the doctor about how to get things back to normal but in the meanwhile, they don't need to worry about you.
posted by metahawk at 3:31 PM on May 25, 2009 [12 favorites]

if I don't get better soon, I will call my doctor and see if he can adjust my medication, but I won't be able to see him for a week or so.

I bet you've already tried the usual: getting exercise, eating right, reducing your load at home if not at work. And since you say you are bursting into tears, can't sleep, and don't have the energy to fake-it-until-you-make-it, I'm guessing the exercise, etc., is either too overwhelming to try or is not working.

I think the most important thing you can do is to get in to see your doctor, tomorrow. In a way, your medicine saves your life. So, whatever it is that tells you that you can just power through this, or work or family obligations are keeping you from the doctor, all of that needs to take a back seat to getting to your doctor.
posted by Houstonian at 3:34 PM on May 25, 2009

Seconding metahawk and nthing everyone else on calling doctor immediately: there's some evidence that maternal depression is at least in part driven by a sense that there isn't enough support to help the mother in the very labor intensive work of childrearing. The more you expand your social network and the more help you get, the more supported you will feel and that should help reduce your depression.

Humans simply didn't evolve to rear children in isolation in a nuclear family-- for most of our history, we had extended family and others on hand to reduce the burden on parents and some even argue that this is how human cooperation first evolved.

getting more help will also give the kids more exposure to other caring people who aren't depressed, so that will help them worry less and be less likely to have their own moods affected by it. the more caring people in their lives, the better in general anyway. If you have any relatives nearby, now's a good time to get them more involved in your kids' lives, which is good in general, too.

One of the reasons maternal depression can be devastating for infants is that they use their mothers' moods to learn to regulate their own stress and anxiety. If mom isn't regulating her own moods well because of depression, they can pick that up, particularly if it makes her unable to respond to their joy and worry.

The good news, however, is that this is mitigated by support and that if you are aware of this and work to be responsive to them, you can minimize the impact. A few weeks certainly won't be dire for them-- but it's better to reach out anyway, even if it is the last thing you feel like doing. You could get your husband to do this if you can't.
posted by Maias at 3:47 PM on May 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

In the immediate future, you may consider joining your local YMCA just for the plethora of summer kids programs. Ours has a bouncy house set up 3 times a week - I go and just let my daughter jump around while I supervise and read. Afterwards, she's worn out, not as demanding, and easier for me to manage.

They also have swim lessons, music classes, fun with science, gymnastics - a ton of different classes and activities that are offered at a very low cost. Your kids would love it, and it would take away some of the burden and guilt that you are feeling. Then you can concentrate more on yourself, which it sounds like you need to do.

Definitely call your doctor and see what s/he can do as far as adjusting meds.
posted by Ostara at 4:01 PM on May 25, 2009

FWIW, my mother was seriously, as in ECT + heavy tranks + hospital, depressed more than once in my childhood. Dad picked up the slack and I was happily oblivious (and got some good nurturing father role-modelling on the side). It wasn't until adulthood and discussing things with my dad in my 30s that the full history came out. Don't add beating yourself up about scarring the kids to your worries.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:01 PM on May 25, 2009

(But curiously, I recall school holiday programmes at the YMCA...)
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:01 PM on May 25, 2009

Further to the suggestion about a sun lamp, I started using a daylight imitation bulb in my room about six months ago and my moods have improved immeasurably. It would probably be a little excessive to suggest the bulb is solely responsible for this but I think it certainly played its part.

nthing the get help thing too, constantly putting on a mask is an immense emotional strain and you need some time to feel the pressure's not on you to maintain an appearance.
posted by fearnothing at 5:31 PM on May 25, 2009

Anon., this is going to get better. Life will not always be like this.

You have a plan to help yourself and I think that's great. The next week won't break your kids...even if you feel like it's breaking you. And--parental gallows humor here--don't worry, you'll inevitably do something that sends your kids to the shrink's sofa, but this next week probably won't be it. Your kids are resilient and they have a parent who's emotionally stable, and they will be OK. Promise.

You do need to be a productive adult, if only to make sure that your and your kids' basic needs are met while your husband is unavailable. That's good enough, and that's all you have to be right now. Not perfect, not Martha--just be good enough until you can get your meds straightened out.

Yes, your house will fall apart for a while. Make a pact with your husband, and make a date to hire a one-shot cleaning service, so that there's an end-date to the mess. If you can't do the cleaning, you can't do it; spend your time creating a solution rather than beating yourself up about not having the energy. Do monkey work--small jobs that don't take too much time or effort, but that still need to be done. Clean out your junk drawer, scrub the egg tray, change your toothbrush. Cry in the shower, or while the kids are asleep. It's just crying--don't feel bad about this. You have seen firsthand other much less productive and much scarier coping strategies. Crying? Not so bad. Likewise the flat affect. At least you are not in a towering rage, yes?

You don't mention how old your kids are. Maybe your husband can help you schedule play dates for them? Or take them out for fast food? (Yuck, but it buys you an hour of quiet.) Can he take them to a movie? If they're older, maybe he can take them for an overnight? If there is good weather, let them run free in a park or on a school playground during the weekend. Ask your girlfriend to put together "rainy day" boxes for them--filled with books, crayons, whatever, but new stuff that will keep them occupied. Anything that will take away the pressure of feeling like you have to be SuperMom when all you can do is get up in the morning.

Your kids may remember this episode...but chances are that you will fill their lives with many fun and loving moments, and that is what they will remember. Hang in there, Anon. You will make it.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:05 PM on May 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Been there on the receiving end. Be honest with your kids. How young are they? If they are under five, hire help. If they are older they can handle the truth about how on some days you can give them lots of love and help and on others you just can't do that. Being silent is a lot harder on them. They might start thinking you don't care or something. Don't let that happen. You do want to treat your condition, but this question is really about how to handle your relationship with them until that happens or even if it can't. You talk. Kids are pretty amazing. They can absorb and process something like your depression that you can not control. They might even be able to help, but tread carefully there. Anyway, the important thing is to give them enough information so that they know it is about you and not about them or your feelings about them.
posted by caddis at 6:19 PM on May 25, 2009

Yes to calling your doctor and getting a helper and maybe a sun lamp, plus it might not be a bad idea to get your vitamin D levels checked.
posted by bunji at 8:06 PM on May 25, 2009

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The fact that you care about being a good mother is very positive. Is there a parenting support group in your area? Call hospitals, churches, synagogues, etc. If you aren't able to do it now, I'd still try to find one for support in the future.

Summer programs for the children are a really good idea, as is hiring cleaning hep. Also, I'd call your doctor right away.
posted by odeon at 9:12 PM on May 25, 2009

Echoing i_am_joe's_spleen and caddis, please do not beat yourself up over this. Get help no matter what, and don't worry about the kids for now. My mom was hospitalized for almost a month(?) for depression/suicidal ideation when I was 13 (sister was 8) and we turned out fine and happy, even though we (even at ages presumably older than your children?) only vaguely understood at the time what was going on. A week will not ruin them. A month will not ruin them. They love you and only want you to be happy, I promise.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:40 PM on May 25, 2009

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Remember that depression makes people feel like they're doing a horrible job at everything they do. I know being a parent is really hard for you right now, but you're probably not doing as badly as you think you are. Your kids are resilient and this rough patch isn't going to damage them irreparably.

But please, if they're old enough, talk to them, or ask your husband to do so. Help them understand why their mom is acting strange. Make sure they understand that it has nothing to do with them or their behaviour. Tell them that you love them very much, but your brain is making you feel sad right now. You could explain it by comparing to illnesses they're familiar with - when they have a cold, it makes them sneeze, and when mom has depression, it makes her cry. Tell them that you'll slowly start to feel better once you've been to the doctor. If they're old enough to read, I recommend the book Living with a Black Dog by Matthew Johnstone.

Most importantly, get help now. Seriously, don't wait to see if the depression lifts, don't try to muddle through on your own for fear of inconveniencing others. Rally every conceivable form of help, right now. Call your doctor, call a cleaner, call a babysitter, call your relatives, call anyone who can help you get through this time. Delegate your housework, organise to have frequent breaks from your children, and concentrate all your energy on getting yourself well. Remember, there's nothing selfish about this: it's in your whole family's interest that you recover sooner rather than later.

I wish you all the strength in the world.
posted by embrangled at 2:43 AM on May 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I hope that soon the roughest roads will be behind you.

There's much in the way of good advice offered here, and you aren't alone. I think embrangled's answer is amazing. While not bipolar, I do understand your struggle with depression, and the need for medical assistance for it. The term I use for myself when I'm feeling what it seems like you're experiencing is "dead inside" - and yes, if it goes on too long, I need to see the doctor and I've a plan. Having a plan makes me feel more in control. I know that I have one friend (along with my husband - but I may need him with me) that will drop everything and watch my kid, and I know that my doctor will see me in an emergency - I just have to go there and she'll squeeze me in. She knows how it is. And having that plan means I can do the next thing I need to do, and the next thing...
posted by peagood at 6:01 PM on May 26, 2009

I'm not a parent, but I have had severe depression. I absolutely agree with the suggestions that you get help now - both that you see your doctor ASAP, and that you get whatever home help (cleaners, babysitters, etc) that you can afford.

If you feel like you need to stay in bed most of the time you're home, maybe you could discuss how to manage that with your husband. Depending on the ages of your children, perhaps you could tell them that Mommy is sick and needs to sleep a lot - then you go into your room and cry if that's what you need. Perhaps that would allow you to get up the energy to spend a half hour or so really spending time with them - after the half hour is up, you go back to your room. As long as this gets resolved in the next few weeks, I think your kids won't even realize that something serious is going on, and won't worry too much about you or be traumatized.

I had a similar-but-different experience with my dad getting very sick (life threatening, with paramedics, a week in the hospital, another week or two in bed at home) when I was about 12 or 13. I was clearly old enough to understand that he was sick, and I was at home when the paramedics arrived, but it just didn't really sink in. As far as I understood it, Daddy was sick and in the hospital, but I had total faith that he would get better, and he did, and it wasn't traumatic at all. I believe that my younger brother (8 or 9 at the time) had a similar experience - he didn't really get that it was serious, and wasn't traumatized. I would guess that it would be even easier with younger children.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:38 PM on May 26, 2009