moving past feelings of disappointment.

May 25, 2009 2:18 PM

how to deal with canceled plans and disappointment in long-term relationships?

background and concerns:

my boyfriend and i have been together for over 7 years. we have had a very positive relationship on the whole, with a few ups and downs along the way. we don't live together (never have).

my boyfriend has been dealing with chronic head and neck problems for a couple years. he has visited a few doctors in the past, and is continuing to search for some relief. these health problems have become somewhat of an issue for us. he does not like to be around other people when he is feeling poorly (whereas i usually like company when i'm feeling sick). this often results in him canceling plans (usually via text), and me feeling extremely disappointed. i often feel angry and almost personally offended, with a bit of a "this-is-not-fair!" vibe and feelings of self-pity.

in past instances, i have often called and texted him persistently after a plan has been canceled, in some cases trying to convince him to hang out (i know, i know). he usually doesn't respond, often because he doesn't want to have a dramatic, teary conversation with me if he's already feeling bad. he has told me that my attemps to persuade him make him feel bad, because i'm not respecting him and his decision not to get together with me. i have also, on occasion, had thoughts of doubt about these health issues, wondering if there's a chance that he's using them as an excuse. i think these creeping thoughts are an example of me taking the situation personally, when in fact that is not the intention. he's honest with me, and i know it. it's hard, though, when you have no way of really knowing how someone is physically feeling. i guess that's where trust comes into play, eh?

i know that these feelings of disappointment are rooted in something deeper. one underlying problem is my attachment to this person. there is evidently some unhealthy attachment going on here, because i don't think it's normal to start bawling and moping around when plans are unexpectedly canceled.

another connected issue is that i don't have many friends. i presume this is partly due to having a boyfriend for so long, and not necessarily feeling the need to have lots of friends. i know this is an area i can work on.

so, my question is this. what can i do to alleviate these feelings of disappointment? how can i get out my frustration without taking it out on my boyfriend? should i always have a back-up plan? is it normal to feel sad? how can i get over these feelings and move on with my day?

posted by sucre to human relations (17 comments total)

I have this same problem, and it's something that I have to constantly work on. I think it stems from fears of the unknown, the out-of-control, and rejection. I try to live by the maxim, "Expect nothing, appreciate everything."

You obviously know a couple things that could help- avoiding contacting him after he cancels plans will at least preserve your relationship (this could be pushing him away, not to scare you), and working on making friends of your own. Join a reading group, or a community sports team, or volunteer somewhere. Follow through with the plans you made alone. You can still go out to dinner alone, or to a park, or to a party. Definitely work on doing things that you enjoy and are rewarding, whether on your own or with other people. Good luck!
posted by emilyd22222 at 2:27 PM on May 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

IANAD, of course, but you don't mention what's he's done to find out what's going on medically. Has he exhasted medical tests? Is it chronic pain? Does he take prescribed painkillers?

More to your concern: How often does he cancel plans? Once a week, once a month, less? Are the cancelled plans with casual outings, or with things that require advanced tickets or reservations? If there is a pattern in the cancellations (he only cancels the casual get-togethers), then you might legitimately have some reason to be suspicious. It does seem like a relationship issue if he always needs to be alone when feeling bad and you always want to be there to comfort, help, etc. I think how couples help each other in times of physical illness or injury is critical to long-term compatibility. You mention you like to have him around when you are feeling badly. Does he come over to be with you?

Having feelings of disappointment is natural. If you are really hounding him with texts, calls when he is feeling terrible maybe he feels suffocated in the relationship. The friends issue is also important. You need to actively cultivate more of those, though calling them only at the last minute to have them sub for him might not nurture a friendship. You are your only backup plan. Go off and do things he doesn't like to do, but that you enjoy.

And I will just add this. Something about this just doesn't sit right. Without more detail and not knowing the people involved, in my opinion he seems to be hiding something.
posted by bluemoonegg at 2:43 PM on May 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

I have been in your situation and still struggle with it. What I've learned is that it's important to overcome the voice that says "he isn't sick, he just doesn't want to spend time with me." Acknowledge the voice, say to yourself "Oh that's just that voice again" and figure out what you really need. You need to be able to reassure yourself. Distractions such as hobbies will help, but you need to be mindful of the thoughts that are creating these feelings in you, or they will continue to have power over you.

To play devil's advocate, let's say that voice is right, that he is faking or exaggerating his condition in order not to spend time with you. Well, there's no use in badgering him because any time he spends with you is then tainted. There's no way for you to know how he really feels when you're constantly trying to control the results. The only way to know how he feels about you is to take him at his word and let him do exactly what he wants in your relationship. If it's still not enough - if you just don't want to be with someone who has health problems - that's your choice. But right now you've muddied the waters so much that you can't make a real choice.

I'm not gonna lie, this is really, really hard when you have abandonment/attachment issues. The guy married me and I still have convulsions of this. But it does get easier with practice. Relationships only work when you assume the best of the other person. There is no other way. Repeat as necessary.

(on preview:)

Something about this just doesn't sit right. Without more detail and not knowing the people involved, in my opinion he seems to be hiding something.

Maybe, maybe not, but you're always going to be looking for that proof that "AHA! See, I'm NOT good enough! I'm NOT lovable!" This just causes untold suffering, and creates a situation in which neither of you can ever win.
posted by desjardins at 2:56 PM on May 25 [18 favorites has favorites]

Make friends. Make plans with friends. He's going to cancel on you a lot. That may or may not feel fair, but it seems to be the way it is. Go have fun with other people. Enjoy being with him when he's able.
posted by theora55 at 3:08 PM on May 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

From reading your post, it sounds like your instincts maybe right on target. You know that you are over-reacting and it is not healthy or helpful. You suspect that the disappointment is rooted in something deeper - my generic guess is that it goes back to a childhood where you were uncertain about whether the people that you loved would be there for you when you needed them. (Note - i know nothing about you and could be completely wrong.) This is something you could explore with a therapist if you wanted to.

A more immediate suggestion is to pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling when he cancels. Not the rational thoughts but strong, automatic thoughts that make you call when know you shouldn't - panic that he doesn't love you? that you will always be alone? that you aren't worth someone else's time? Make a list and then for each one write down a true and positive counter-statement. You can't prevent the negative thoughts but each time you recognize one, immediately focus yourself on your positive response.

The next step is have back-up plans already to go so that when he cancels, you can immediately tell yourself that you are sorry that he is sick and that you can't be with him but you are still going to enjoy your life. Prepare ahead of time with a list of attractive alternatives - things that you can enjoy doing by yourself or places where you can at the last minute and be around other people. Focus on practicing on enjoying being on your own.

As you do these things, you will be able to rely more on just yourself. This gives you more freedom in the relationship. First, as you become more independent, your boyfriend may feel less pursued and therefore more willing to reach out, knowing that he can say "no" if he wants. Second, if it should happen that this relationship doesn't work out, you will have the self-confidence to do what is best for you and not cling to something that isn't working.
posted by metahawk at 3:15 PM on May 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

Might he be depressed? Chronic pain isn't fun, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he were feeling pretty down about it.

Depression can lead to repeatedly canceling plans, because the person who feels down doesn't feel up to doing anything, no matter who it might be with or how fun it might be.

Try not to take it personally. I really doubt it's about you at all.
posted by burntflowers at 3:19 PM on May 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

wow, thank you all so much for your responses. i biked to the co-op instead of moping around the house for too long, and came back to some great advice. so, thank you.

to address some of the questions:

emilyd22222: yes, definitely. i think a huge part of it is feeling like i have no control over the situation. i actually don't drive, and we live far enough apart (currently) where it's not convenient to bus or bike. so that feeling of the plan being canceled without my having any say in it is tough for me. i'm like, "but! but! what am i supposed to do now?"

bluemoonegg: i understand your suspicion. my boyfriend is a very sensitive person (there may be another word for it; he's a pisces, too). there are often cycles of me badgering him to talk, and him shutting down. after 7 years of being together, i know that this person is not sneaking around behind my back. that said, this is another concern: the headaches seem to often stem from stress. if there is stress in our relationship, due to whatever, this may cause him to have a headache, causing plans to be canceled, causing me to freak out and badger, causing stress. so there's a bad pattern going on here.

i should also add that he has a lot of other stress in his life (getting a real job, living at home currently, worries about a parent being sick, etc.), which i personally think is having a huge impact on his health. another issue is that although he has been to a few doctors, he hasn't exhausted his options. doctors make him anxious, etc., etc. he's basically procrastinating on getting this all figured out, doesn't know where to turn next, etc. this is another reason for my frustration. i feel that he is not doing enough to make himself feel better, or to start finding the cause of his headaches. this makes me resentful and makes me think, "go to the freakin' doctor and we wouldn't have this problem!" although i do know it's not that easy.

desjardins: totally. i just need to assume the best of him. i want to, but it's tough sometimes. in some ways, i feel like my getting upset will actually push him to try to work harder to feel better, when in reality, well, my pushing him is doing nothing (and actually makes things worse.) i pester and nag far too often. bad, bad.

theora55: good advice. thank you.

metahawk: also really good advice. thank you. my childhood was pretty good, though there was a divorce when i was 13. and i have no memory of it, so i must have blocked it out. my parents are definitely civil and i see them both often (and did back then, too). so yeah, could be related. the independence thing is so true. this relationship began when i was 17, and i had no idea who i was then (and still working on it). so that's a huge part of it, too, i think. very good advice.

burntflowers: yes, there is a definite possibility. as i mentioned above, his levels of stress are often high for various reasons, and his pattern of shutting down happens often. i think seeing a therapist might be really good for him. i do agree that i think it often has nothing to do with me, and that i'm a little egocentric and self-pitying about the whole thing. thanks for the thoughts.

i know that he loves me, and i love him. when he's not in pain, we are a great pair. anyway, thank you all again. :)
posted by sucre at 4:10 PM on May 25

Might some of the emotional issues around this be improved by re-evaluating the communication methods you both use when he feels he needs to cancel plans? It seems that the fact that he texts you with the cancellation is part of what contributes to your feelings of disappointment, and your persistent follow-up exacerbates the problem. When you're on the receiving end of a text, that can feel isolating since there's little chance for you to respond, especially since he seems to be using this method intentionally as a way to limit your response. Would you feel better about him canceling if he called you instead of texting? If so, I'd consider having a frank talk with him about that.

If he calls to cancel plans, that gives you a chance to gauge how bad he feels (physically and/or emotionally) about canceling. It also gives you a chance to respond with empathy. The big caveat is that you'll both need to decide on some ground rules for these calls. Namely, that you won't attempt to cajole him into changing his mind if he's genuinely suffering. Or that if the event is really important to you, you'll only ask once if he'd consider changing his mind. The tough part may be sticking to your side of the ground rules, but if you can do that over a period of time, he's likely to feel more comfortable calling you instead of texting and you're more likely to feel that you can accept his decision.

He may be having physical challenges, but he may need to evaluate how he responds to your emotional responses to those challenges with his chosen form of communication. It's so easy to text to cancel plans without genuine consideration of the receiver's feelings, but if he can hear the hurt in your voice when he calls instead (and if you can refrain from the persistent follow-up cajoling), he may be willing to make a bit more effort to keep plans if he's just feeling borderline icky and cancel only when he's seriously suffering.
posted by BlooPen at 4:19 PM on May 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

BlooPen: yes, absolutely. part of the reason he texts is because we both know that my initial reaction is to FREAK OUT (especially if he calls me) and that me having to take a second to step back and think before i type out a response is helpful. if that makes sense. i've also come to know that when he cancels plans with me, he's thought it through already, and has made a decision. so, it seems that the canceling occurs only when he's suffering, or can tell that he is starting to feel bad and that it'll get worse as the day goes on.

but YES to thinking about the way we communicate. i absolutely think that texting replaces real conversation, and is not always such a great way to talk to each other. thanks for your thoughts.
posted by sucre at 4:25 PM on May 25

My SO also cancels plans often due to health issues. After moving past the disappointment I decided to live my life for me and make plans for myself. If he came, great; if not, well I was going anyway without him. Yes, it creates distance in the relationship but I know I cannot change him, I can only change my reaction to his behaviour.

Personally, I think txting such important information is rude (YMMV) so it would be completely fair to request that he cancel the plans either in person or on the phone so you can have a conversation rather than him holding all the power in communication (sending a txt, assuming you have received it and will follow his instructions but then refusing to respond with your txts). Really, they are two separate issues and his communication issue would be a bigger problem to me than if he was cancelling plans politely.
posted by saucysault at 4:37 PM on May 25

Try putting yourself in his position. Perhaps this is similar to what's going on?

You feel physically unwell, so much so that you don't want to go out. You call to cancel and the person on the other end of the call freaks out and won't take no for an answer. You care about that person, but aren't able to deal with the conversation as it is, so you substitue texting. In response, you get several messages, which you ignore as it's a continuation of the call you aren't up to taking. You retreat until you feel better and pick up where you left off. You wish all the time that someone could tell you what this medical problem is and how to fix/contain it as it's mucking up your life. If only someone would help.

I have no advice to give you other than what's above and makes sense to me. Except, that, if you marry or live with someone long term, there will be times when he wants to go off with his buddies to do something perfectly legit that doesn't involve other women. How would you react to that? My point? You need a life of your own separate from his. It doesn't have to be anything big, but you need something that's yours so all your identity, feelings, etc. don't centre around one person. So try something, not just as a substitute for the bf, but something different that interests you, whether it's reading the classics in alphabetical order by author or stringing beads, as long as it's yours.
posted by x46 at 4:53 PM on May 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

I had a somewhat similar issue for several years with my SO. (It was him working long and unpredictable hours, though, not health issues.) This was a real sticking point, I'd get upset, and he'd sometimes try to avoid communication about his schedule because he didn't want to deal with my being upset.

It has now ceased to be an issue, 100%. So, partly I'm writing this to offer hope -- yes, an issue like this can be gotten through, even entirely. Let me explain what happened.

We were driving somewhere in a car -- it was a long drive, so there was a lot of time for a long discussion. The question of his schedule came up, and I said something about how he wouldn't change his working hours for me. (His job allows him to determine his own hours.) This was something I believed firmly, and had for some time: he considered his work more important than my evenings. And this made me feel horrible. Anyways, finally I said this to him. And he responded: are you crazy? He explained how much he was bending things around so that he could always have breakfast and dinner with me, how he was sometimes splitting his sleep into two portions each day just so that we could have time together. And then he asked me: what changes to my schedule was I making to accommodate him?

He was right: he was doing a lot to make time to see me, and he was doing that because he cared a lot about me. But I had jumped to a conclusion, "he doesn't care enough to make time", because that conclusion matched up with insecurities I had. It's very hard to make yourself use logic against an insecurity. You believe, deep down, that the bad thing must be true, and so you don't trust even your own arguments against it.

This, then, is where I see the parallel with your own situation. I'm guessing that there's an insecurity there -- "he doesn't love me enough to fix this problem" -- and the nature of insecurity is such that you won't trust even your own perfectly rational arguments against this thesis.

The ray of hope here: the reality of the situation is that he's not canceling plans because he doesn't want to see you. He's not staying unhealthy because he doesn't love you enough. These things are not true. At some point, hopefully, you will come to truly understand this. And when that happens, you will have a much easier time dealing with unexpected cancelations. And that, in turn, will make him less wary about communicating with you.

To finish my story: I realized my SO was right, that he was making a lot of sacrifices for me. It had been right before my eyes, but I'd missed it because of my insecurity. As a result of this conversation, I shifted around my own schedule in a way that I hadn't thought of before, which gave us more time together. But I also felt 100% calmer when we'd talk about his schedule, which made him 100% calmer about telling it to me. It literally ceased to be an issue the minute I believed he was doing his best.
posted by wyzewoman at 6:09 PM on May 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

Where is this relationship going? What do each of you want out of it?
posted by koeselitz at 9:14 PM on May 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

Also, you say:

sucre: i know that these feelings of disappointment are rooted in something deeper. one underlying problem is my attachment to this person. there is evidently some unhealthy attachment going on here, because i don't think it's normal to start bawling and moping around when plans are unexpectedly canceled.

You're making a big mistake here. Stop associating psychological health with happiness and contentedness this moment. Psychologically healthy people have pain, psychologically healthy people are unhappy, and psychologically healthy people meet with suffering and sadness. And—psychologically healthy people have feelings: irrational, ridiculous feelings; sick, sad feelings; even strange, unexpected feelings. At least as long as they're human, anyway. “Psychological health” is a big, crazy, weird, complex thing that I don't anybody really completely understands; it has more to do with what you do with feelings than with what feelings you have, but you shouldn't worry about something like being “healthy” right now. I say that because I have the sneaking suspicion that you feel an unacknowledged moral imperative to be “healthy” with your partner, for his benefit, whereas your priority right now should be much simpler: to sort out your feelings in a rational way so you can be happy.

It isn't a simple process to begin with; in fact, the whole point is to make the situation simple. Make the steps as basic as you can. When you're in the throes of one of these "freakouts," stop and ask yourself:

What do I feel?

Why do I feel this way?

What does my partner feel>

Why does he feel this way?

These are the important questions. Once you know your feelings and their sources, you'll be much more prepared to know whether your feelings are pushing you to do something rational or something irrational.

If you ask these questions, you should be okay. But I want to mention one more thing:

I get the feeling that you're blaming yourself much more than you should here. When you're trying to sort through your feelings, make sure you don't sell yourself short or write off your own necessities. The whole point of sorting through your feelings is to distinguish your desires, those which you can let go of, from your needs. Everybody needs certain things psychologically; usually when people “freak out” it's because they are concerned, whether rightly or wrongly, that they aren't going to get certain needs met.
posted by koeselitz at 9:56 PM on May 25 [7 favorites has favorites]

Your emotional pain is just as valid in "pain" category, please never doubt it. I somehow comprehend that it is the way he handles time planning with you, and not the actual cancelled plans that hurt the most. The way he handles communicating to you should be under his control (just like you are giving effort to not freak out), but not aimed to control your response. As it looks, the issue with immature, insensitive texting can be eliminated by you two agreeing to not use it, for some time at least. If he refuses to hear you on how texting about changed plans affects you, then it is alarming.

I am usually against pop-psychology advice, but are you guys having a "fear of engulfment" - "fear of abandonment" dance? Is there a place for negotiation between you two when it concerns bigger life issues? Have there been tensions about diverging commitment levels? Do you feel that he empathises with you, in general?
posted by Jurate at 11:14 PM on May 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are a number of books published about coping with chronic illness when you're young. Among topics addressed are almost always the issues of having to cancel things unexpectedly and how to have a social life when it's hard to go out. Most of this is obviously aimed at those with chronic illness, but it might help you to read something like Life Disrupted to help you understand where he's coming from and help you help him.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:38 AM on May 26

Hmmm.

I've been on the other side of this dilemma. I had, and to some extent still have, a chronic health condition that would pop up randomly, making me feel REALLY HORRIBLE and completely unable to move, socialize, interact, etc. with no warning at all, even though I will continue to LOOK fine outwardly. Sometimes, I've had to cancel plans because of this. I've never done it by text message, and I always try to explain how much I *want* to do said plan, and why it's really impossible, and I always try to reschedule, but that may just be a matter of personal style. On the occasions that I've had to cancel plans, my mind can be a difficult place to inhabit. I tend to feel extremely self-critical, blaming myself for ruining other peoples' plans and moods, even though I *know* there is nothing I can do to prevent the problem. I find it extremely difficult to let people know when I'm not feeling well - because it takes so much effort and explanation, and because people are usually suspicious when somebody who does not LOOK sick claims to feel very sick - and so I usually just hang on until I absolutely can't hang on any more, at which point I try to gracefully excuse myself and go collapse someplace. At that point, I can do what I need to do to recover, but it can be extremely difficult to relax and deal with the situation when there's judgment and guilt in the air. It is REALLY miserable to turn down some sort of really fun plan (in other words, disappoint a friend) because you're in terrible pain you can't control... and it's so much worse if you try to explain yourself to others and a) they become very upset with you and b) they don't even believe that you're in pain.

I have no idea if any of this applies to your boyfriend, of course. For all I know he could be exaggerating his condition. But chronic health conditions can be really difficult to deal with emotionally, and I could easily believe that he feels your judgment and disappointment acutely, which may be very difficult for him. I also understand your perspective, and I can easily understand why you are having a hard time with this. I don't mean to judge you for having doubts about him. But I think the most helpful thing in this situation would be to look deeply in to how he is feeling about this in whatever way you can. It's really great that you've noticed your own feelings and have been able to articulate them, and no matter what you find out about his feelings, I think it will be useful to you.

One thing I've learned from my own relationship is that no matter what words you say, if you say them with disappointment or judgment behind them, disappointment or judgment will come across quite strongly. Even when you are doing your utmost to say the right thing and act kindly. This doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have feelings, lest you accidentally communicate them!! But in this context, I think it means that you should be VERY straightforward about how your boyfriend's actions make you feel. I don't know, but I suspect he would have an easier time hearing you say "I feel really sad that you cancelled again, and although I know you're telling the truth about your neck pain, I still feel worried that you canceled our plans because you don't really want to spend time with me, and I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings of insecurity". Once the blame is off him, for ruining your plans and day again, he may be able to reach out with a natural sense of empathy and understand what you need, which I think is reassurance. And if, by chance, he really IS avoiding you, he'll be able to see very clearly how his actions are hurting you.
posted by Cygnet at 6:56 AM on May 26 [2 favorites has favorites]