I want to shut down.

May 21, 2009 5:49 PM

Work stress is killing me. Help me get my mind off work when I'm not at work?

The long explanation: I've been having stomach pain for a couple of weeks and I just found out that it was hyperacidity due to stress. Even if I have no reason to be stressed, I can't help not sleeping at night and twisting and turning over this new job, wanting everything to be absolutely perfect. I've been given a lot of responsibility from the get-go and I really don't want to screw this up.
Granted, it's my first job, in a field I like, my boss isn't a jerk, I get challenged a lot, and I want to do really well. I'm also a bit underqualified (but I have help) and inexperienced (which is probably the root cause of all this stressing) -- anyway I like this job, but when I get home, I just want to turn my brain off as much as possible.
Also, I'm trying not to stress about it too much, I realize it's not worth it, I'll still survive, there'll be better jobs. But it doesn't work. For some reason I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. I'm not even a month into my new job yet, maybe this is just something I really have to get used to.

posted by drea to work & money (17 comments total)

(oh, and this is my first job, fwiw).
posted by drea at 5:49 PM on May 21

Try all the managing stress techniques:

-cardio/major exercise in the early evening post-work
-either drink more, or drink less, depending on your particular problem
-go to bed early so you get an extra hour of sleep in regardless of whether you spend time awake at night
-lavender/chamomile/etc. tea before bed
-try exercise in the morning to pre-empt the development of stress
-know and trust you are working your butt off, and within reason seek feedback to reinforce your professional self-esteem on the issue
-if you have a significant other, ask his/her help on spending some time actively listening to and helping you process the stresses of the day
-find a low-energy hobby other than the intrawebs/tv, on which to spend some excess brainpower in the evenings
-cultivate a work hard/play hard attitude
-warm bath/shower before bed, and, if you buy my approach to working a finance job while pregnant with a 2 hour each way commute, listen to maria callas arias while reading a good book in the bath
-again, if "posessed" of a significant other, solicit that person's indulgence in a nice backrub, footrub, intimiate, physical time before bed
- make a to do list at work for short term project goals and long-term professional goals, work toward them relentlessly, review the list before leaving work and intellectually confront the fact that you've worked toward that goal for the day
-develop a relationship with a professional mentor who can assist your need for feedback, to aid with external satisfaction that you are adequately pursuing professional goals
-relax, just do it, you can and you will.
posted by bunnycup at 6:11 PM on May 21 [6 favorites]

I go through the exact same cycles. I worry about the job, and I get stressed. I focus on the minutiae. I think about all of the other ways that an event could have played out, and how that would have been better than the actual scenario.

There was only one thing that helped: Benadryl in conjunction with meditation techniques. The Benadryl (or other sleep aid) helped with the physical parts of falling asleep, and the mediation techniques helped with waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. Counting backwards with breath awareness has proven to be the most successful technique for me. I had to try several different methods before finding one that worked, so don't be discouraged if this exact method doesn't work for you. Good luck.
posted by macska at 6:11 PM on May 21

Antacid and ambien. Its probably a transitory thing, and will subside once you get your sea legs. In an economy like this, the underqualified and inexperienced don't usually get the job. You're probably worth more to the company than you know. At any rate, I suspect most employers would say that your commitment to excellence in your work makes up for your lack of experience.
posted by Crotalus at 6:13 PM on May 21

I forgot to add:

-when awake at night, don't languish in bed, get up and make a to do list for tomorrow, do some dishes, walk the dog, whatever, then try sleep again in 30 minutes
-keep a journal of your midnight "omg work is insane i cannot do it how am i going to haul my ass through this without ruining my career" anxieties, and look them over in the morning. Then:

(a) realize some are irrational/unreasonable/untrue, and/or
(b) take any necessary steps to neutralize or address the problems reflected in the worries.

(Yes, I have lots of work-stress, and manage it decently well, NOW, after years of practice.)
posted by bunnycup at 6:14 PM on May 21

p.p.s. (and i promise i won't comment again), be wary of suggestions to treat this with drugs that have (i) rebound insomnia, and/or (ii) increased anxiety, and/or (iii) sleep-med hangover, and/or, (iv) addictive, potentials.

For me, they only made the problem worse. Of course, it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway, YMMV.
posted by bunnycup at 6:17 PM on May 21

When you are learning a lot of new things at once (like the first weeks of a new job), it is hard to switch off. Hopefully the situation will improve as you settle in.

Also, you'll probably discover that it is often possible to entirely get away with doing a job in a way that doesn't meet your personal standards - and nobody will comment. It is important to develop a sense of pragmatism about things (not to say that it is not also important to do a good job, but pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff etc etc).

Each day at work when looking at the tasks I have to do, I priortise them by "Which one of these will keep me awake in the night?".
posted by AnnaRat at 6:19 PM on May 21

I've been through this pretty much every time I've gotten a new job or new responsibilities. It goes in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and stressed for a while, followed by feeling reasonably competent and enjoying the job, followed by feeling bored.

I also have people working for me who are like this. I'm reasonably sure the three phases of this cycle cannot be avoided entirely, for people like us. All you can do is try to shrink the first and last phases, and make that middle "enjoyable" phase as long as possible.

In part it helps just to know that this is the cycle you're going to go through and the horrible stressful phase will pass eventually. Aside from that, a couple of other things have been helpful to me in that situation:

1) When you can't sleep because you're too stressed, use that time to come up with some kind of plan for whatever is stressing you out. Trying to stop thinking about work first does not work, as you have noticed. Instead, try to think through whatever is bothering you until you can sort of mentally go, "ok, THAT is what I'm going to do about this tomorrow". And then maybe you can relax, especially if you write down your plan so you won't get stressed out about forgetting it by the morning.

2) Try talking to your boss about what is stressing you out. They may have helpful advice or they may be able to tell you that you're doing better than you think. It's possible your boss is quite aware that you are underqualified and inexperienced and is expecting a certain number of learning experiences (also known as mistakes) to occur. Sometimes just knowing that the boss has your back if something goes wrong is very reassuring. I find myself having this conversation with recently-promoted staff quite often.

It might also help to know that I've noticed the people who get stressed like this when faced with new responsibilities have turned out to be the best people on the team. At least some of the people who never get stressed at all seem to be that way because they feel they already know everything and are over-estimating their own performance. You have to believe there are things you don't know before you can learn. This is not a universal rule by any means, but I think it's a good sign rather than a bad sign.
posted by FishBike at 6:21 PM on May 21

I agree with the above suggestions, but you may want to try at least talking to some therapists. It can be hard to tell when regular stress tips into anxiety, but a therapist can tell and can help manage this stress.
posted by sweetkid at 6:22 PM on May 21

Ithe rare instance when something needs to be done by a certain deadline (say, COB today), try and stay until its done, even skipping lunch if need be. But generally speaking, there shouldn't be anything you do at work that can't wait and it will still be there for you to do tomorrow, so don't stress it.

If you follow that first step, forgetting about work when you go home should be easier because you won't be stressing about that task you need to get done tomorrow no matter what.

Also my partner and I have a rule that once we leave work we don't speak about work. Home time is home time, work time is work time. If you can do that, that will probably help you out as well.

As for the waking up in the middle of the night thing, does alcohol make you sleepy? If so, have a glass of beer or a glass of wine before you go to sleep, to help you sleep. That might help.
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:31 PM on May 21

This is a tough one. First, congratulations on the job! And it's a good sign, in a way, that you're stressed, because from your post it seems like the stress comes from wanting to do the best possible job. That's a good quality in any position.

There's already some good advice about how not to think about work while you're not there. I'd add that it's helpful to keep a notebook where you can write down any incessant work-related thoughts that occur to you when you're not working (e.g., "OMG I really have to look for the Flummox file!"); make a point of reviewing the notes the first thing when you get to work. That way you can transfer such anxieties from your brain to the notebook. Bunnycup's suggestion of a journal is also great, but don't mix up the two! OTOH, I don't think it's a good idea to drink more to handle work stress....

Exercise can be a great way to take your mind off work. I commute to work by bicycle; the ride in gives me a chance to gear up and the ride home is a great destresser. The great thing about cycle commuting, if your circumstances permit, is that you get your exercise as part of your daily work routine instead of having to squeeze it in. It adds some time, but not as much as you might think depending on traffic where you live and the bicycle parking facilities where you work.

Since you sound like a perfectionist, I have a couple suggestions that are not exactly answers to your question but that might help in an indirect way. You might want to schedule a meeting with your boss around your 1-month anniversary to discuss your performance--what seems to be going well, any areas where you could improve, any major upcoming tasks for which you should be planning, etc. Keep the focus on what you should be doing in the future, not on any past mistakes. And when you do make the inevitable mistakes, be honest, apologize ASAP, and indicate the steps you will take in the future to avoid them. That last step is huge; it marks the difference between someone who really wants to do well and advance, and someone who is just marking time.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:33 PM on May 21

At your first job, you're used to thinking of everything you do as a reflection on YOU. But really, responsibility falls on the entire team. You do have a key role to play, but at a good workplace, it's appropriate for your particular strengths and weaknesses. Some things are beyond your abilities, and that's generally why those other people are there. Worry is often a useful barometer for where you need help. The worst thing you can do is let it linger in your subconscious and/or try to ignore it and/or just "try harder." Identify what you're concerned about and move it into conscious thought where you can decide what you can do about it. Often (for me at least), the worries are places where I just have no idea how to start, or where I feel like I'm up against the impossible because I need something that I don't have (advice, expertise, enough time). Once you know what you need, strongly consider talking to your coworkers and boss about it. The only failure you bear the burden for alone is one in which you didn't give the team the information it would need to have averted it. Your job cannot be to make the impossible possible or to know the unknowable or to spend money that doesn't exist. You can only do the best you can with the knowledge and resources and time you have, and to communicate your additional needs (for time, resources, and expertise) to those with the power to do something about them, as well as the potential impacts if nothing is done. If you've flagged an issue and then done the best you can under the conditions that exist, that's the most you can do.

- "Sal, I am concerned we're not going to make the deadline. Do you think that's a realistic worry? How crucial is this deadline? Would it be worth it to spend a day just making a detailed timeline, or should I just keep working as fast as I can?"
- "Sal, me again, I have a draft of the timeline. But it's pretty rough. The other departments claim they can't predict when they'll send me the documents. Should I just make guesses, or do you know how long these departments typically take?"
- "Sue, I am a bit concerned that my lack of knowledge about the Beta Protocol might mean I'd miss something I should catch. I'm learning quickly, but I don't want something to slip by me in the meantime. An error in these first two weeks could set us up for long-term problems. Is there someone we could have review my work?"
- "Joe, I understand you need this by next Friday. This list shows the steps I think we should take to get you a perfect number, but they would take two months. Can you tell me which you'd like me to do by Friday, and whether those would get you a number that's accurate enough?"
posted by salvia at 6:58 PM on May 21

I have a lot of stress with my job and this is what works for me:

Exercise. I get up extra early and walk for about an hour before my shift starts. I listen to different podcasts (so I won't think about work) that are purely enjoyable - This American Life, Dan Savage, Ricky Gervais - whatever entertains me during the walk so I don't even realize I'm exercising an hour before work. This makes me laugh, calms me before the day starts. Then it makes me sleep better at night. My job is physically active, if yours is not maybe add more exercise after work.

Distraction. If it gets really bad I'll dive into something that distracts my mind. Easy novels are my favorite distraction. Once during a bad period I read the entire Harry Potter series. It took over my thoughts, took me into another world. It was exactly what I needed to cope.

Good for you recognizing this as an issue now and actively looking for coping mechanisms. Finding what works for you, how to cope, will come. Good luck.
posted by dog food sugar at 7:32 PM on May 21

This is sort of like test anxiety, which I used to have a lot of back when I suffered from depression, which thankfully ceased itself about half a year ago.

Don't focus on the what-you-could-have-dones. Focus on the what-you-can-do-now.
posted by kldickson at 7:35 PM on May 21

Writing. Puzzles. Video games. Reading. Anything that can take you out of yourself for awhile.
posted by SPrintF at 8:00 PM on May 21

Know that no matter what's going on, you're probably doing a better job than you imagine, so don't stress as much, just keep trying. If you're underqualified yet doing the job or a person one level above you, then yes, while it's harder and stressful, know that if your boss isn't a jerk they totally recognize that and know and appreciate that you're doing something that is one level above you, so no need to stress.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:41 PM on May 21

I would agree about exercise-- specifically running.
when your lungs are on fire, you're utterly tuned in to your nature and your needs-- it's a sure bullshit abolish.

spend on decent shoes, and get the perfect 'running' playlist on your iPod/whatever.

the endorphins are great, and you increase your endurance, flexibility, and peace of mind.
posted by candyhammer at 2:16 PM on May 22