Help I hate my job and myself

May 20, 2009 6:59 AM

How can I find the right job for me? I used to be reasonably satisfied in my current job, but lately things have been turning sour. I've never really gone out looking for a new job while I had a current one.

Most of my job transitions have corresponded to major life changes. I got my first real job after I failed to complete college. I got the next one after that company went into bankruptcy. I left that one to go back to school, worked a few menial jobs, got an Associates degree (twirls finger in the air). Eventually I found my current position through a temp agency. I do general-purpose tech support for a small company. I do some network support, some CAD drawings and renderings of our products, some website support.

My problems are twofold: First, I don't feel well qualified to do any of the things I do do. I have a few certifications: A+, Network+, MS 70-270: Supporting Windows XP. I know a little bit about the CAD program I use, but its not AutoCAD, its Alibre Design. And I know some html, javascript, css, and php, though it's all self taught, and I feel especially weak on the php (I'm working on getting better right now). But all of these things I've learned on my own, all self taught and ad-hoc. I don't feel like an expert in any of them. So I shudder to think in this job market of who would want me.

Second, I have a job, but I'm really starting to hate it. At first I was very happy here, I thought I had the leeway to learn new things, and my bosses seemed to understand that I would need to learn how to do some of the things they were asking me to do, especially the CAD drawings. Unfortunately, as time went on, I found that I couldn't really do any of the things they wanted me to do *well*. They would ask me to do something, and often I'd do it about 60% and run into my limits. I'd know that something was possible, but not how to do it. I proposed to them that I spend a few months at work primarily studying. I studied HTML, Javascript, and Windows system administration as much as I could. I thought we were all on the same page. Then, as I was about halfway through learning php (the most critical part for me), they yanked the rug out from under me, wrote me up for it, and forbade me from doing any studying on the job. I've been trying to forge ahead during my own time, but its a lot harder to find the time outside work with life and other family responsibilities. I've been making progress, but much more slowly.

I think things changed at work in part because of a new employee. His job is to maintain the website through its administrative interfaces, but he doesn't really know jack about web development. He also maintains product info in our business application. He does a lot of work, a lot of concrete work, whereas I have spent a lot of time recently, prior to being written up, doing less immediately fruitful things. There has also been friction between us just on a personal level. I think he complained to my bosses about the time I've spend on the job studying, and exaggerated the time I've spent doing more frivolous things (like reading Metafilter). It had never been a problem before if I spent a few minutes browsing the web now and then, but combined with my less immediately fruitful studying, well, I looked pretty useless.

So, now I do a fair amount of CAD drawing, and supporting our LAN, and delving into other problems with our website, but I'm still trapped in not having the depth of knowledge to do these things *well*, and I feel like a bumbling idiot, and I'm not happy to seen like that.

I want out of here. I don't need much from anyone. I just want to do a good job for someone who can use me. But I feel like I have no good skills to offer, and I wouldn't know how to explain myself to a prospective future employer.

So, should I even bother. Or should I just accept my own faults and stay here, miserable?

posted by Reverend John to work & money (8 comments total)

Relax. Deep breath. Yes, you should bother.

LOTS of companies want a jack-of-all-trades person. Being able to do a little bit of everything makes you flexible as long as you're creative enough to leverage your secret powers. Knowing a little autocad, a little php and a little photoshop is waaaaay more useful than knowing a lot about only one of those things. You might have to go outside the usual job application channels to find something, because you won't be a perfect fit for any position, but those jobs exist all over the place.

I've got a bachelor's in engineering, a master's in urban planning, worked as a programmer from HS through college, then later as a fleet operations guy, a process engineer, an alternative transportation planner, a land use modeler, and now as a health care facilities planner. I feel lost and overwhelmed by my ineptitude almost every day. I have _no_ depth in anything, but know a little bit about everything. Yet, it seems to work out pretty well.

If you want a new job, pad your resume to get your foot in the door, and then explain that you can do a halfway decent job at anything and want to learn. FWIW, getting a degree might help you, I think, just for the credibility it lends...not because you'd learn anything particularly amazing.

Start sending out resumes!
posted by paanta at 7:33 AM on May 20 [3 favorites]

In my experience, most IT workers are self-taught, so don't let that hold you back. Even if you have qualifications, you need to keep retraining to keep up with new developments, so you end up being self-taught unless you have the money to retrain, or an employer who will pay those expenses for you.

You seem to be doing a lot of stuff. I do PHP, Perl, Python, systems admin, etc, etc, but I learnt them one at a time at various times over 20 years. I would suggest focusing on one area at a time, becoming expert in that, then looking for a new job in that area. If you haven't sold yourself as a sys admin, for example, but a PHP programmer, and you eventually have to fix the server, that's a bonus for your employer which will enhance your reputation greatly.

Incidentally, I'm not a natural programmer, but I'm now a fairly good one, and looking back on my first steps with Linux I remember it took months for me to become even competent. I was just so determined to get that email system set up on something other than DOS, it drove me on ;) Be patient and work around your limitations. Buy books, practice, use Google to solve problems.
posted by BrokenEnglish at 7:34 AM on May 20

Here's a tip, never choose to stay at a place that doesn't understand that you need to keep learning stuff. Half the stuff I do today wasn't even invented when I started this career.

Start looking.
posted by advicepig at 7:45 AM on May 20 [1 favorite]

You know how I know you should leave? Because you've started to doubt your own worth as an employee: all self taught ... So I shudder to think in this job market of who would want me....So, should I even bother. Or should I just accept my own faults and stay here, miserable?

I've been there, and it's not pretty. Get out as soon as you can, before it screws you up for future jobs.

You sound like a pretty great employee, actually. You stretched yourself, learning what you needed to know to fit your employer's needs. You have a LOT of skills. I'm not an IT person, but the fact that you were able to teach yourself so much is really a pretty ringing testament to your value to any potential employer.

So no, you should not just stay and rot. Of course you probably need a paycheck until you get your next job, so just keep doing what you're doing while you look for a new job. Be discreet, obviously. Don't work on your resume or look at job postings at work, etc. But definitely start looking. The recession means it might take a little longer than it normally would, but there are still jobs out there.
posted by lunasol at 8:12 AM on May 20

Yes, look for another job. Being in IT means that you have to keep on learning all the time or in a year or two you'll be very out of date. There are a lot of shops out there who want to stick a person into a particular slot and keep them there doing one thing and one thing only forever in isolation from any other IT people they may employ. What they should be looking for is a robot. Anyone who hires you will be lucky to have someone who wants to learn and grow. Are there any distance courses or evening courses you could take to give you a bit more confidence given that you seem unsure since you've learned on your own?
posted by x46 at 10:36 AM on May 20

My mom is a graphic designer, in a 100% computer-based environment. She started out as an illustrator in the 80s, with absolutely no training in computers. When her company wanted to buy computers, she taught herself how to use all the required programs, from books.

Then, when the company didn't want to pay her extra for all the effort she'd invested in learning that stuff, she quit and moved to her current company. They hired her despite the fact that she had absolutely no formal training in computer design, because she had proved she could master the material and was a hard worker. She's been there for over a decade now!
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:24 PM on May 20

FWIW -- in IT -- self-taught and experience/projects tends to be more appealing than someone fresh out of school. When I've had to interview people (for technical assessment), I was always wary of people with nothing to show but a degree or certification. But of course, you'll need to demonstrate the level of proficiency you claim. Don't quit your job until you have another one, obviously.
posted by cj_ at 3:01 PM on May 20

Thank you so much, everyone, for your answers. This could have been one of those 'mark every answer best' posts, but I know some people feel that cheapens bests. I have a plan now, and the *particular* indignity that forced me to post this, the one which has broken this camel's back is far enough past now that I can at least soldier on a little longer until I find something else. Thanks, your answers have helped me see that I'm going to make it out of here and to something better.
posted by Reverend John at 6:18 PM on May 21