trust issues for parents

May 18, 2009 11:37 AM

My parents aren't behaving… what do I do?

Hi!

I'm in my 20s. Yesterday, my mom decided to use my computer, and not being particularly computer-savvy, left a Google Chat open, and I found out that with my father out of town, she's looking for a hook-up.

I know that the more I find out the more I have to live with, but today I found out that she skipped work and went to meet a guy, all as part of the same plan.

My question is this: What do I do? My mother has always been someone I've looked up to, without question, and this is really screwing with my head. In the less than 24 hours since this has been dumped on me, I've gone from trusting my mom absolutely, to not being able to trust her at all. I'm worried about what this means for me, my family (my younger, live-at-home, siblings), my parents, etc.

posted by anonymous to human relations (47 comments total)

If you can't just let this go and chalk it up to people being human and having secret personal lives that you know practically nothing about (and it sounds like you can't), then you need to talk to her about this.

Can you address the matter with her privately and let her know that it has really altered your perception of her? You're both adults, and trust me -- you're going to wind up talking about "adult" relationships with your parents sooner or later, so you might as well bite the bullet.
posted by hermitosis at 11:41 AM on May 18

I totally get that this is totally fucking up your vision of your parents' relationship as well as the family, but you're not in their relationship and god knows what goes on between them or has gone on between them, possibly for years. But I get how you're confused and let down and generally probably feeling somewhat weirded and/or grossed out by the whole thing.

Talk to your mom, quietly, when siblings or father isn't around. Tell her she left Google Chat open and you saw everything. Then just see what she says. Don't accuse. Don't deride. Just let her respond.

And then... password protect your computer.
posted by jerseygirl at 11:44 AM on May 18 [2 favorites]

Wow. Sorry.

I'd talk to her in a non-accusatory way. It'd be awkward, but I'd suggest a conversation along the lines of, Uhhh if this hasn't already been discussed with dad, this needs to be discussed with him. If you choose not to, I'll talk to him about it because if I don't, I'm contributing to the secrecy.

That's a harsh suggestion, I realize, and it sucks that you have to play that role, but your mom's at fault for putting you there. I don't know how in the world you could move forward with your family knowing that a potion of it may be predicated on a huge lie (or who knows, maybe hooking up outside their relationship is something your parents have discussed and agreed on). But in some small way, if you don't verify whether this is acceptable/out in the open with your dad, then you're in some small way an accomplice to potential infidelity, not to mention STDs.
posted by December at 11:52 AM on May 18 [3 favorites]

edit: portion, not potion
posted by December at 11:53 AM on May 18

I agree with December. Give your mom an option to tell him herself.
posted by bolognius maximus at 11:58 AM on May 18

Good advice from jerseygirl: it's your parents' marriage, not yours, but it's not bad form to talk to your mom about it given that she left this in plain view. I would add that my friend's father was meeting up with women he met on the Internet and that it was an early indication of a serious physiological problem (for which he's now being treated and doing fine) that caused a personality alteration. Obviously, there are far more likely explanations, but I thought I'd mention it.
posted by palliser at 12:01 PM on May 18

From your description one may infer that you live at home and are dependent on your parents. Regardless, you are, legally an adult.

Time to look at the world like an adult. As a child, one looks up to ones parents in a way that's not rational, but instinctual. And even when you grow up, that overhang of the parent-child relationship remains. Still, the fact is, you are an adult, as are your parents. The time comes to acknowledge that they - even being your parents - are just human beings.

Your parents are special to you, but they are not special to the world - having flaws is not just for other people, not just something that happens to "other people". You just found out your parents are real people, just like any other real people. Yes, you feel a unique emotional connection to them, but they are still real people with real flaws.

Now, act like an adult. It is not your place to interfere in their personal lives. Would you feel the need to "address" your co-worker's infidelities? As long as they - or your mother - does not use you to further her infidelities - or any other behaviors you object to - let it be.

Her behavior is her responsibility - it is between her, and her husband. You should have no part of this.

I realize that in America today, kids grow up very, very fast in some ways, and yet, very slowly in others, and so you are surrounded by images of parents and "family" that is very unrealistic if you look at a historical perspective and world/different cultures scale. Just letting you know, that you assume many things which are by no means a given - like that as a child you have a right to your parents life at all levels and for all time. That is not so.
posted by VikingSword at 12:05 PM on May 18 [7 favorites]

You need to nip this in the bud now, trust me it's better when it's all out. At least then your mother and father can discus their future relationship.

And if it does end in divorce then you may find this article from The Guardian about Adult Children of Divorce helpful.
posted by nam3d at 12:07 PM on May 18

Zambrano: many people are freaked out by the thought of their parents having sex, let alone affairs. I'm pretty open-minded about sex & consensually open relationships, and I'd be totally wigged if this happened to me when I was 20.

Yes, I know that parents are real people with real, hidden lives. And as I rocket towards 40, I wouldn't be upset or embarrassed to learn more about my parents' actual relationship and history. But let's be a little more sympathetic to the OP here; her (his?) being wierded out does not make her (him?) a bad, closed-minded person.
posted by kestrel251 at 12:10 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

This really depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mom, but in general when I accidentally learn these kinds of Horrible Truths about people that don't affect me directly, I just keep it to myself. On the one hand I'm not really doing my part to be the morality police, but on the other hand I save myself a lot of drama by not further involving myself in a bad situation.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:10 PM on May 18

Now, act like an adult. It is not your place to interfere in their personal lives. Would you feel the need to "address" your co-worker's infidelities? As long as they - or your mother - does not use you to further her infidelities - or any other behaviors you object to - let it be.

Her behavior is her responsibility - it is between her, and her husband. You should have no part of this.

Interestingly enough, VikingSword, looking like this as an adult would bring me to a very different conclusion than "leave it alone."

For example: suppose if, instead of my mother borrowing my interenet and me catching a Google chat which revealed she was cheating on my father, suppose it was one friend of mine who borrowed my computer and I caught a Google chat revealing that she was going to cheat on her boyfriend, who also happens to be one of my friends.

Makes no difference to me whether it's my father who's the wronged party or my friend -- I'm still going to confront her. This may not have as much to do with "it's my MOM!" as you think, and you may also have a good deal of "someone I care about is being deceived and I am concerned."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:10 PM on May 18

There is a lot of good advice in this question. It doesn't deal with how to tell/ask your mom, but it does give some advice on coping. In fact, I'd suggest looking at the whole infidelity tag.
posted by soelo at 12:12 PM on May 18

What's going on with your parents' love lives is their private business, wrong or right. But if I were you, I would definitely tell her not to use my computer to cheat on my father. How she deals with that is something she'll have to work out with her conscience.
posted by katillathehun at 12:16 PM on May 18 [2 favorites]

A very similar thing happened to me when I was 19 (4 years ago), except it was my dad and not my mom involved. I was on our home computer, randomly testing out a desktop search utility with some innocuous word -- "games" I think it was -- which brought up my dad's saved chat logs. The chats showed that he had gotten pretty emotionally involved with another woman.
I was devastated and did not know what to do. I had always thought of my parents' relationship as perfect in every way (yes, naive, I know). I couldn't bring myself to bring it up with my father and instead drew my mother into another room and blurted it out to her. This led to a heated confrontation between my parents leading the next day to my dad running away for nearly a week, leaving behind only what looked suspiciously like a suicide note.
The story eventually had a happy ending with us managing to convince him via email (which we hoped that he was still checking) that we still loved him and wanted him to come back, but there are still some things I wish I had done differently.
First of, I should have allowed my parents to be human and have human failings and not put them on some impossibly high pedestal.
I should have talked to my dad first to give him a chance to explain before telling my mom. As it was, he felt that he had completely betrayed both of us and that I "would not even look him in the eye."
I guess, all I'm saying is, talk to your mother and give her a chance to explain. There is no excuse for infidelity, of course, but it's not the absolute end of everything the way I once thought it was.
posted by peacheater at 12:20 PM on May 18 [4 favorites]

Look, yeah, its stinks for you, but she didn't do this -to- you, she didn't want to hurt you and she still loves you every bit as much as she always has.

Why are you making this about you? That's pretty selfish. Your mother is lonely and (assuming your parents aren't in an open relationship) she's letting that loneliness lead her to do things that could be very disruptive to everyone's life.

So suck it up, kid. Get over it and have some compassion for your mother and then talk about it with her, with compassion and love. Not from the "How could you mother!!!!" place, but from the "I want to help a person I deeply care about not make a mistake" place. Let her know that you're not going to let anyone know and that you're here to help her through this problem, whatever it takes and without judgment, for her and for the good of the family. If it's individual therapy, couples counseling, finding a divorce attorney, or just teaching her basic computer privacy.

Adults get to make their own decisions, so in most ways this isn't your decision at all and if you can't look at it with compassion then butt the hell out. Move out of the house already and mind your own business. Your parents are humans too, not just other people's parents like you read about on TV.
posted by Ookseer at 12:21 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

Would you feel the need to "address" your co-worker's infidelities? As long as they - or your mother - does not use you to further her infidelities - or any other behaviors you object to - let it be.

I strongly disagree. A coworker is a very different relationship than a parent, so that's a shoddy analogy. Family dynamics are much, much different than office dynamics. One you can leave behind you at 5PM, the other drones on for a lifetime.

Also, if you are aware that Person A (whom you care about) is secretly doing something hurtful to Person B (whom you also care about), I feel very strongly there's an obligation to speak up. Only the OP knows her/his family dynamics well enough to know whether the father would be hurt by an affair. If the father would indeed be hurt by such a thing, then s/he would be contributing to the hurt by not speaking up. What a horrible burden to live with for years and years: to know that you are now under the burden of this secret thanks to your mom's behavior. Maintaining the secret will likely lead to (more) resentment toward the mom and essentially lying to the dad. That sounds like a horrible psychological burden to bear, certainly one that is weightier than taking the mom aside and asking her to confirm whether or not she's open about her secondary relationship.
posted by December at 12:21 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

You have multiple issues here:

(1) how do you deal with your feelings about your mom and your ability to trust her.

(2) How do you deal with the fact that someone wants to do harm to someone you love.

(3) How do you deal with privacy issues regarding your parent's relationship

First, you have to figure out how much you want to protect your dad. He is going to be really hurt by this.

Second, you have to decide if you can protect your father.

Finally, the answer to question 3 is defined by questions 1-2.

Your main issue is that if you don't tell your dad and he finds out, he will feel you betrayed him by not telling him. I think your duty runs to him, as the person not doing wrong.

If it were me, I'd talk to your mom first. Take her out to lunch. Explain that you've always looked up to her. Explain that you care about her and your dad. Then drop the bomb--tell her that you know about the affair(s) that you are angry at her for using your computer to hurt your dad, that you are angry at her for destroying your image of her and that you .

If you choose this route, she's going to ask you if you are going to tell. Your response should be that you aren't going to--that she is.

There's no easy answer to this question.

p.s. Ignore Zambrano. He isn't a real polyamorist anyway--he always chimes into these threads involving infidelity to insist that it is OK to do. He doesn't take into account what the parties involved have decided regarding the boundaries of their relationships and rarely provides advice tailored to the situation.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:26 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

EmpressCallipygos: "For example: suppose if, instead of my mother borrowing my interenet and me catching a Google chat which revealed she was cheating on my father, suppose it was one friend of mine who borrowed my computer and I caught a Google chat revealing that she was going to cheat on her boyfriend, who also happens to be one of my friends."

Is this some kind of counter-example? If so, it utterly failed. I would absolutely not "confront" anyone in this situation. I would butt out. None of my business. They are adults. It is not my place to be their emotional guardian. When does one interfere in someone else's life? If it is a legal matter - a crime is being committed. You may have a legal obligation to act upon acquired knowledge in this case. If you are directly asked for advice by either party - at that point, if you choose so, you may respond to that party alone (i.e. don't get involved in becoming a tool for one party against another).

This non-interference comes not merely from principle, but from practical wisdom. You don't know the whole story. You may lose friendships regardless of your good intentions - when the rotten relationship goes on, or is "patched". I've seen it. The only result of such interference, is that you are (rightly in my opinion) perceived as a snoop and intolerable busybody. "Keep your filthy snout out of other people's private business" - is a good maxim to live by, IMHO. No good comes from being the moral police.

Again, legal issues are different - when a legal fraud is being perpetrated, a heads up is welcome. If an emotional fraud is being perpetrated, let it be - it is life. A good rule of thumb is - if it's legal, it is none of your business.
posted by VikingSword at 12:30 PM on May 18

Uh. Stay out of it? It's your family. Your immediate family. If there's ever a time to be involved, that is the time. Especially if she's using your gear to troll for ass. Maybe it's none of your business regarding her (yeah right, it definitely is), but your father deserves to know.

Hell, if she left it open on your computer I'm wondering if she has some secret desire to be found out. She could have a sexual addiction or some other mental affliction, and if that is the case, bring ing it out into the open is part of the process of making her better.

This isn't about sexual expression, this is about trust.
posted by cellphone at 12:35 PM on May 18

You used the word "trust" a lot in your question. Probably this uncomfortable situation will cause some trust issues between your parents, but it's really not between you and your mom, it's between your mom and your dad - she didn't cheat on you, she cheated on him.

You need to talk to your mom, and I think probably your mom needs to talk to your dad, and the two of them will have to figure out what to do. But before you go talk to her, remember that she is still your mom and she loves you just as much today as she did before you found this out. You can still trust her that much.

And try really hard to not snoop on her. How did you find out she was leaving work to meet up with someone? If she left any saved passwords or logs on your computer, get rid of them. Don't go looking for more evidence.
posted by beandip at 12:37 PM on May 18

I'm curious about why you said "my parents aren't behaving" when it's clearly your mom that isn't.
posted by CunningLinguist at 12:38 PM on May 18

Is this some kind of counter-example? If so, it utterly failed. I would absolutely not "confront" anyone in this situation. I would butt out. None of my business. They are adults. It is not my place to be their emotional guardian.

Right - that is what YOU would do, but the fact that you and I would do different things in these situations is because you and I are different people, and is NOT an indication of which one of us is more "adult" than the other. THAT was my ultimate point, that it's not like "being an adult" means "not saying anything at all." For some, "being an adult" means something different.

You did have a good point about how seeing your parents as people is an important thing. That's definitely something I'd agree with. How much to involve yourself is a separate issue, though, and is not as such affected by whether you are "being an adult about this" or not. Which is what I was trying to say -- I'd personally still say something if it WEREN't my parents. You, as you've said, would not. Voila.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:39 PM on May 18

You don't know the whole story.

Which is why the OP should ask her mom if the mom is forthright with the dad about the situation. If it's legit and the parents are all open about gettin' it on with others, fine, no problem. BUT if the parents do not have this agreement, then the OP is betraying her father, as Ironmouth says. And there's no reason for the OP to become a betraying force, too, which is what would happen if the OP didn't make that inquiry and force the issue.

don't get involved in becoming a tool for one party against another

THAT IS EXACTLY what the OP would be doing if the OP maintained the mom's secret, if there is one.

perceived as a snoop and intolerable busybody

There's no snooping here. The mom left the info on the OP's computer.


posted by December at 12:40 PM on May 18

If you turn on your own computer and are immediately, unavoidably confronted with an open Google chat box , you've done nothing wrong. If you squint at the chat box, thinking "Who was I talking to?" and then realize that it's not your chat, it's your mom's and she's planning to meet up with another man, you've done nothing wrong. There's nothing for you to back off from or butt out of: you haven't intentionally snooped or otherwise sought information that wasn't your business. Your mother carelessly, maybe even intentionally left information that could hurt you emotionally in a place you were likely to find it (your personal computer). That was wrong of her.

I'd focus on talking to my mom about how upsetting it was for me to find something so private, and so not what I want to have in my brain, up on my computer screen without warning. Not that it's any mother's obligation to live up to idealized expectations her kids might have, but it's certainly her obligation to keep her sex life private. Having that conversation will inevitably lead to a discussion of the affair itself, but I think that's the focus to begin with--it was wrong of her to put you in this position.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:48 PM on May 18

By leaving the chat on your computer, your mom made it your business. Yes, she and your father are in a relationship, but you are all a family. Bringing children into the equation changes the marriage. It's not just about the two of them anymore.

I think the issue of confronting or not confronting your mom has more to do with how it will affect your relationship with her. If you leave it alone and never say anything to your parents, how will it feel to be around them? Will you ever be able to trust her again? On the other hand, do you really want to hear what she has to say? These are things I would want to explore with a therapist or close friend before acting, were I in your situation. Best of luck.
posted by easy_being_green at 12:49 PM on May 18

Say 'WTF, Mom' instead of 'Dad, this is what Mom did' .
posted by kldickson at 12:56 PM on May 18

How is it a different relationship with respect to their private lives?

Who appointed you to be Busybody In Charge when it comes to your parents private relationship? By what right do you tramp all over their privacy in your jackboots? Really what is the principle here? "I sprung from your loins, and so I forever have the right to have a say in how you conduct your sexual life?" Frankly, that sounds sick.

OP, I think you have a perfect right to be involved because (1) unlike a co-worker, you do have a duty to help and protect your father, and he might be very upset to learn that you knew and didn't warn him; (2) unlike a co-worker, your mom is using your computer; and (3) the psychologically difficulty inherent in not telling your dad that someone is betraying him is falling on you. This is far different than any situaiton involving a co-worker, where my advice would be totally different.

Basically you know both parties and have duties to both and that's where the difficulty comes in.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:04 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

That's my take. You may have a different opinion, yes, but ask yourself, who likes a guest that's liable to do the things you threaten to do, unless the host is not extremely vigilant?

The use of her computer changes everything--there's a reason the mother is using her computer--it is to hide the information from her father. She's being used as a pawn very selfishly by her mother. It is totally different. Any duty as a "guest"? (which an adult child is not) is wiped out by the use of the OP's computer to hide the information from her dad.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:07 PM on May 18

A computer is merely a tool - your mother doesn't abrogate her privacy rights simply by using it.

She most certainly did abrogate her privacy rights by using her daughter's computer as a tool to hide things from her father. I don't see any basis for a claim to the contrary.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:08 PM on May 18

December: "I think we are speaking of two different things. I am not even remotely interested in my family's sex life (and I'm guessing the OP isn't either). What is at issue here is deceit. I do very much care if someone I care about is being deceived and disrespected. And the OP has expressed concerns about trust (his/her word), not issues re affair."

How is this different? You are putting yourself in the position of judge and jury here. Many people separate their sexual lives from their emotional lives. That's their call. Maybe Dad (or Mom) love each other very much, but one likes to have anonymous sex with strangers - and it does not mean a thing emotionally. Doesn't mean he/she doesn't love and respect their partner. You say "disrespect" - have you gotten into their heads? And why do you pass judgment? Why do your moral standards trump theirs? You say "if x, y, and z [open and honest about their... relationship] then there is no harm". Why on earth is it up to you to decide when x, y, and z have been fulfilled, or for you to say what x, y, and z should be in the first place? Judge much?

Keep your morality, your standards, your (lack of) knowledge to yourself. You do not have a privileged position here to dictate and interfere. Why should you be the person to determine the nature of your parents relationship? It is their lives, and their understanding of their relationship!
posted by VikingSword at 1:16 PM on May 18

I'd stay out of it. I'd talk to a close reliable friend just to let it off my chest.

If I consider

(1) How good it would feel to play the moral superior person who caught others behaving badly and feels it's her duty to make it all come out for the sake of honesty and loyalty to her dad

(2) What a mess this will be because I will make my mom feel guilty and cornered; I will make my dad hurt if I tell him or make my mom tell him; potentially this might put an end to my parent's marriage and, who knows, this might be a one off thing and nothing would come out of it if I hadn't mentioned it.

(2) wins.

It's their life and you don't have enough information and probably you don't want more. I'd feel a bit cynical and disappointed because my perfect family wasn't perfect after all. Most of all, I'd be sad if this could mean my parents had an unhappy marriage because I love them. And the key here is to love them individually.

If I had the need at all to talk to my mom about it I'd probably have a conversation with her about happiness, mine and her own and make a detour into conjugal happiness and give her a chance to talk freely about whatever's happening, rather than confront her with whatever I had seen. Subtlety and discretion never hurt anybody.
posted by lucia__is__dada at 1:16 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

How is this different? You are putting yourself in the position of judge and jury here. Many people separate their sexual lives from their emotional lives. That's their call.

OP, I think that you should keep in mind that you have duties to warn people you care about of danger, emotional or physical. And that others have duties to not use you as a vehicle to harm others you care about. Your computer was very helpful to your mom, who knows that your dad won't look at the chat logs in your computer. She is using you without concern for your feelings or whether or not you would be disturbed by seeing this. Answers that don't take into account your feelings at being involved in all of this aren't really addressing the problem. If you mom was being considerate of you, she would not do things which cause you emotional pain. Hearing that your mother is hurting someone you care about puts you in a painful and difficult emotional position. Your mother is being very selfish in including you. Any answer which does not take into account the fact that you are feeling very hurt by this is disregarding a critical part of all of this.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:21 PM on May 18

A couple alternatives to consider, in terms of reasons this is (or has become) the OP's business, at least to some extent, and how it could affect the rest of the family:

If the OP's mother is carrying on an affair with her husband's blessing (i.e., they have some type of open relationship agreement), this does not obviate the need for discretion on her part. Whatever agreement she and her husband have, she has not disclosed any of it to the rest of her immediate family. This is fine, perhaps even preferable. However, parents still have a responsibility to maintain their own privacy around their sexual behavior, whether it be with each other or beyond. Thus the OP's mother's attention or lack thereof to preserving her own privacy is important, and the OP is well within his/her rights to ask his/her mom to please not leave sexy chats up on computers that don't belong to her. By discussing this with her, the OP may be able to prevent younger siblings from stumbling across similar private information.

If the OP's mother is carrying on an affair without her husband's knowledge, but is displaying this degree of carelessness, she's likely to get caught. If she gets caught, that is likely to throw the entire family into turmoil as she and her husband work out the next steps and choices as to whether they stay married or not. Private sexual choices aside, these bigger questions certainly impact the rest of the family.

In each of these possible scenerios, the mother's choices impact her family, not just her relationship with her husband.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:22 PM on May 18

Ironmouth: "(1) unlike a co-worker, you do have a duty to help and protect your father, and he might be very upset to learn that you knew and didn't warn him; (2) unlike a co-worker, your mom is using your computer; and (3) the psychologically difficulty inherent in not telling your dad that someone is betraying him is falling on you."

You have a "duty" to "protect" your father? Can I go to my parents, take my Dad's checkbook and say "I'm in charge of your money, because I don't like the way you spend it, so I will protect you and make it my business to have a say in how you spend your money"? NO. Not on my say-so. There is a legal process in being appointed guardian. Standards have to be achieved and tests passed. There is no such process when it comes to emotional business - and rightly so. So no, there is no "duty" to "protect" the father.

And what does "protection" involve? Who is judging here? Who appointed you to judge when your father is being harmed emotionally? Financially - there are clear standards, and even so it is complicated. Emotionally - you owe your parents the dignity to face - or not face - their emotional issues as they see fit. Don't jump in. There is no moral, and certainly no legal right compelling you to impose your judgments here.

The computer remains a tool. If your ownership of the computer was an integral feature of it being used by your mom to impact her relationship to her husband, then yes, you have a say. Otherwise, you are merely stretching things along the principle that "all molecules in the world contact each other by some extension no matter how many degrees removed, therefore all the world's business is my own, since I'm composed of molecules".

Your emotional burden is your own. That burden does not give you the right to unload it on just about anybody - nor is it the case that your exploding your family is the right response. If today my lunch was not warmed by my wife, that doesn't give me the right to murder a passerby due to my burden of cold lunch eating. Is it absurd? Yes, of course. As is your "burden response" position.
posted by VikingSword at 1:30 PM on May 18

VikingSword: You say "disrespect" - have you gotten into their heads? And why do you pass judgment? Why do your moral standards trump theirs?

The OP has expressed, My mother has always been someone I've looked up to, without question, and this is really screwing with my head. In the less than 24 hours since this has been dumped on me, I've gone from trusting my mom absolutely, to not being able to trust her at all. I'm worried about what this means for me, my family (my younger, live-at-home, siblings), my parents, etc. I'm basing my responses on the fact the OP said s/he was experiencing trust issues after discovering the mom's info on her computer. So, yeah, I have gotten into the OP's head because s/he put that personal information out there.

Ultimately, none of us on here has any idea who these people are and what's going on within the family. What most of us are reacting to here is emotional impact on the OP, as described by the OP her/himself. Now, an incident of this nature may not bother you, VikingSword, but here the OP has very clearly stated s/he is now experiencing trust issues. So the question here is not "should the OP not feel trust issues?" but "the OP is experiencing trust issues, now what?" Again, only the OP knows whether an affair is something that would cause issue with her family (and presumably so, hence the trust issues). So in that vein, a number of us have responded not with judgments ("Oh no! An affair! How horrible! Your mom is nuts!") but with advice on how to delicately balance personal privacy with the family's emotional wellbeing. Ultimately, as many have alluded, if the mom's possible secret involved, say, secretive drug abuse, the responses would be the same: how does her behavior impact the family? How does the possibility she's hiding something impact the family's trust in her? What obligation does the OP have in maintaining that secret, if it is one?

We're gonna have to agree to disagree, obviously.
posted by December at 1:31 PM on May 18

Whether it's your mom having an affair or some other "betrayal" of their parental idol status, eventually everyone discovers that their parents are just...people. Fallible people who fuck up and ruin their own life and the lives of others. In your case, your mom is cheating on your father. For everyone else, this day comes, either because you realize they have some other dysfunction in life, or you don't like their politics, or their lifestyle, the way they treat you, etc.

It hurts, it's weird and probably a little gross, but it's your parents' problem. Don't get involved and pretend you know nothing. It is not your marriage - it is theirs. There is a lot about them that you don't know, things they have done and history you may never know. Now that you see your parents as people, try to be neutral about this. She is human, the expectations you place on her might not even be possible to achieve.

Try to take some time to reflect and find a way to negotiate your relationship with your mother from now on. Do you want to be in her life? I know you are young and you live at home, but you are an adult and need to figure out how much this bothers you. If you can't stand it, speak with your mother about it privately. Don't hold it over her head. If it bothers you so much you can't stand the sight of her, move out either temporarily or permanently. As for your siblings, they don't know. Keep it that way. If they need to know, your parents will tell them.
posted by SassHat at 1:33 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

I doubt that your parents aren't behaving. I would suggest you tell your mom what you saw and forgive her and tell her you love her but you don't want to interfere in her life. It's a difficult thing to do but vastly better than spending time burning up inside over something at trivial as an online chat between consenting adults.
posted by parmanparman at 1:34 PM on May 18

[a few comments removed - answer without vitriol against the OP or other posters or take it to metatalk or email, thank you]
posted by jessamyn at 1:42 PM on May 18

The computer remains a tool. If your ownership of the computer was an integral feature of it being used by your mom to impact her relationship to her husband, then yes, you have a say. Otherwise, you are merely stretching things along the principle that "all molecules in the world contact each other by some extension no matter how many degrees removed, therefore all the world's business is my own, since I'm composed of molecules".

Your emotional burden is your own. That burden does not give you the right to unload it on just about anybody - nor is it the case that your exploding your family is the right response. If today my lunch was not warmed by my wife, that doesn't give me the right to murder a passerby due to my burden of cold lunch eating. Is it absurd? Yes, of course. As is your "burden response" position.

OP, when evaluating the conflicting advice given here, I'd suggest a few points to remember. First, some advice focuses on whether or not the computer was an integral tool to what she did. I argue that it was. It isn't a coincidence that she used your computer. She used it because your father is less likely to discover her infidelity if she uses your computer. When she used it, she took the risk that you might discover some painful information that would hurt you. She has a duty not to hurt you--she is your mother. Her use of your computer put you at risk of being emotionally harmed. Those points have been consistently avoided in the discussion, likely because they make other arguments a lot harder to make.

Second some advice here seems to argue that your mother owes no duty to treat those who she is close to well--including you. Advice of this sort should be taken with a huge grain of salt, about the size of the planet Earth. We have powerful emotional relationships with our children. And by bearing them, we do create a moral duty to protect and care for them all of our lives. Children also have a duty to their parents, to protect and help them. If such duties didn't exist, why would we suffer emotionally when others hurt us? Of course they exist.

In the end, some people would advise you that your feelings don't count--that the fact that you are hurting because some people are hurting people you love somehow is your own business and you have no right to find a way to stop that pain to you and another loved one. Such arguments belittle you and argue that you have no right to stop the pain others have foisted on you. That is the road to self-negation. You always have the right to try and stop pain others are causing you and those you love.

In the end, such arguments ignore the very real biological and emotional ties we have to our parents. If you take such advice you will find it a very hard road. It isn't your fault you were put in this position. Your mother is being selfish and harming you by involving you in her plans to hurt another--she is using you. Never, ever deny yourself the right to defend yourself from pain another is inflicting upon you.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:45 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

I'm going to bow out of this thread, as I think I've given the best advice I know how to. Any further posting might have high derail potential.

To the OP: here's something to consider. It is not all about you. Your parents have rights too. Yes, I know you were hurt. But your mom did not hurt you intentionally. She shattered your image of her, your family and of how the world works. It hurts. But consider: long term, maybe she did you a favor - you've become a realist. Please don't punish her for your pain.
posted by VikingSword at 1:48 PM on May 18

Do you know they're not swingers? Is this an arrangement they have re: non-monogamy? Is there room for interpretation (for example, did she go out to meet the guy for a drink, or for sex? Was it a "I can't tell my husband" conversation, or something else?) If you're not sure, then stay out of it, but let mom know that she left incriminating chatlogs on your screen. She'll deal with it. And if you are sure, then stay out of it anyway.
posted by theraflu at 2:33 PM on May 18

You love your parents, and you are caught in the middle of this. That sucks. We don't know about your own morality, you parents' marriage, any of the rest. So let's just keep it about you, and how you can deal with it.

Not doing anything--Well, it's eating you up. You wouldn't have written this question if it wasn't really a problem, so doing nothing is NOT the answer here, since it won't help you at all.

Telling Dad--Would you really feel comfortable with basically tattling on your Mom? You go from being the hurt child to being the punishing parent in this scenario, not a role I'd wish on anyone. Though it might be better for this all to be out in the open, I'm not sure you'd feel good about being the one to break the news to your Dad.

Talking to Mom--Even if it was unintentional, she's the one that has caused you to be in this situation. Again, this would be a painful conversation, but she is not an innocent victim, like your Dad (presuming they don't have an open marriage. If they do, you still won't know unless you talk to her).

So, for your sake, I think you get your Mom alone and tell her that you know what she's up to and it's tearing you apart knowing this secret of hers.

Then try, very hard, to listen to her on a woman-to-woman rather than a daughter-to-Mom level. She may really need someone she can open up to, and you might understand her actions a little better.

But if not, and you then suggest she go to your Dad, you will have far less regrets about your own part in all this later.
posted by misha at 4:10 PM on May 18

I've only skimmed the comments here, but there seems to be a consensus building that the poster should not tell his father, which I think is wrong. This is not to say that you don't want to talk to your mother first, or that not telling your father is the wrong position. Just that if I were in your shoes, I would tell my father, and that's also not the wrong decision to make.

Were it me, I would talk to my mother to find out what was going on. If this is something licit, then fine, it's not how I would conduct my marriage, but that's their business. If it's not something your father knows about, I would tell him. Your parent's marriage is not just other people personal affairs, it's a trusted relationship between two of the most important people in your life. If one of the parties to that relationship is breaking that trust, you are well within your rights to tell the other party. If your mother is having affairs without your father's knowledge, that's wrong, and you're not helping anyone by helping her keep her secret. Maybe knowing this will break up their marriage, but I for one would rather break up my parent's marriage than know I helped my mother lie to my father about something this important.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:21 PM on May 18

I'd tell your mother what you saw and see what she says. Assuming she is looking for hook-ups, then there's the safety issue to be dealt with, too. If you're sure of what you saw and what she did, including her going to meet some stranger, then I don't see you have any choice except to let her know that you know and that you don't like it one bit. Tell her she's put you in an impossible situation and ask her how she intends to figure out a solution. Shove the burden onto her where it belongs. Don't promise to lie or conceal for her if your father asks and/or she says she intends to continue. You are not responsible for sorting out the mess. Then password protect your computer.

It's hard enough to see your parents as average people with all their flaws without having this shoved in your face. The ick factor is enough to send most people running. I wouldn't tell your father, but that's partly because I've seen couples who really don't like each other any more turn in unison and form a solid front against a well intentioned third party. Try not to get yourself in between them and let them sort it out. Your father might already have an inkling.
posted by x46 at 8:31 PM on May 18 [1 favorite]

I think things like this need to be handled in steps. Have one small battle, assess the casualties on the other side, along with factors like weather, and consider the next best move, best battle to take on considering the situation.

That is - Do what x46 says - "Tell her she's put you in an impossible situation and ask her how she intends to figure out a solution. Shove the burden onto her where it belongs."

At the very least you can tell her how you feel - conflicted, etc.

But you need to see what she says and figure out how you feel about it before deciding the next step - telling your father, or not, etc. Because a lot depends on what she says.

Though your actions may change based on what she says (your father knows, your father is also cheating, she will tell your father, she asks you not to tell, etc), your approach should be the same; as compassionate as possible.

So sorry this is happening to you OP.
posted by anitanita at 12:42 AM on May 19

I support the notion that while it is not the OP's duty to talk to either parent, it is certainly a good idea for your own sake as well as (in the long run) either of your 'rents. There's just no scenario in which talking to your mom to express your confusion and get her take results in more pain and hurt than keeping quiet. The worst case is that she denies everything and insists you stay silent or something, but even that is better than you suffering quietly and then probably inevitably exploding on Xmas eve a year later.

The most likely scenario is that you and your mom will have a supremely awkward and emotional conversation in which she will be impossibly embarrassed and ashamed which will lead to her telling your father what's up and them splitting up or going to therapy. Probably a good thing for everyone.

What I disagree with the most is the plausibility of you keeping this secret. If literature teaches us anything about real life, it's that the Truth Will Out.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:35 AM on May 19

It sounds like that for your own sanity you should talk to your mom. And really, I don't see how talking to your mom is going to make the situation any worse. This sounds like the sort of thing that will make you crazy if you don't deal with it.
posted by chunking express at 11:25 AM on May 19