RelationshipAngstFilter: Am I overreacting? More inside.

May 17, 2009 8:24 PM

RelationshipAngstFilter: Am I overreacting? More inside.

OK, the guy I've been falling in love with just said something like "I don't feel as intensely about this as before, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time seeing us together because I always imagined myself married to a tall blonde woman and having blonde children. I'm not sure if I can let that go, but I don't want to break up either. Could you be patient with me?"

Needless to say, I am neither tall nor blonde.

WTF? Every fiber of my being tells me to run and not look back? Am I overreacting?

posted by anonymous to human relations (62 comments total)

Run, and don't look back. Sorry.
posted by magicbus at 8:26 PM on May 17 [15 favorites has favorites]

WTF? Every fiber of my being tells me to run and not look back? Am I overreacting.

When every fibre in your being says something, it is wise to listen.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:28 PM on May 17 [16 favorites has favorites]

Listen to every fiber of your being. You are not overreacting.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:29 PM on May 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Have you always imagined yourself married to someone who's not an ignorant jerk? If yes, then you're not overreacting, and yes, you should walk, not run, to the nearest exit.

If he has a problem with that, ask him to be patient.
posted by puckish at 8:30 PM on May 17 [10 favorites has favorites]

I am tall AND blond, and I would still run if someone said something along the lines of, "I I always imagined myself married to a tall blonde woman and having blonde children, but I don't feel as intensely about this as before, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time seeing us together."

You know why? Because I don't need that shit when I am falling in love. At such a time, I need someone to be falling in love with me.
posted by artemisia at 8:31 PM on May 17 [16 favorites has favorites]

Sounds like an awful ex of mine. Break up immediately.
posted by Kirklander at 8:31 PM on May 17

Maybe. While some might think your guy is a Aryan-leaning fantasist, perhaps he's just had such a "dream" built up in his head for so long that it's not possible to let it go right away. A bit like how some girls dream of getting married "in a church," in a certain dress, with a horse-drawn coach, all the trimmings, etc, but then often end up with something far more modest after quite a bit of consideration of what really matters.

Only you can really tell if the guy has some sort of complex over appearances and seemingly irrelevant details, and only such a personal judgment could determine whether you should stay with him or not. He might not be a loon, just incredibly sentimental. My wife is a little the same way but she tends to come around to reality quite quickly, whereas I'm the hard-nosed pragmatist at all times.. :)
posted by wackybrit at 8:33 PM on May 17

I'm not going to say that you're overrreacting, but I'm also not going to say that you should flee screaming either. He MIGHT mean what he's saying, but DAMN was it a dumb thing for him to say. And DAMN does he need to know that no matter how good his intentions were in saying it, that IT HURT YOU LIKE WHOA.

It'd be one thing if you said you loved him and he said something like, "...look, I hate to hurt you if this hurts you, but I don't believe in saying I love you back until I'm sure that I do, and I need more time before I'm certain." That hurts, but it's understandable. He basically said, "I need more time," but then he also went on to say "and here is why I need more time, because you are not this, that, and the other..." That's COLD, and that is NOT anything that you should feel like you're overreacting to.

Whether you stay put or not, he needs to know that he said something that REALLY sucked.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 PM on May 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

You're not overreacting. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't feel like they're "settling" for you because of something as trivial as your height and hair color.
posted by arianell at 8:40 PM on May 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Fuck that guy.

I metaphorically.
posted by delmoi at 8:41 PM on May 17

Er, I mean metaphorically.
posted by delmoi at 8:41 PM on May 17

Get off the internet right now and start talking to him.

Your instinct to run is understandable, but he's being honest and realizing it's his problem and asking to talk about it, so talk to him. This sounds like a long conversation that needs to be had and no one can tell you where it'll end up. It could be soul crushing* or could be one of the deepest conversations you'll ever have, I don't know.

Try not to take it personally. Put some amour on, get your tennis shoes and put them by the door, but there's no reason to run until you two have talked this out. Give him and ya'll a chance.

* Even if it's soul crushing, you'll survive.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:48 PM on May 17 [7 favorites has favorites]

While "Every fiber of my being tells me to run" seems a pretty clear signal to head down the DTMFA path, it might be worth your while to hesitate for a bit and figure out why he expressed that sentiment to you. I find that discussion and communication is the simple solution to a lot of relationship problems, and understanding his point of view might help you feel better, even if you don't agree with it.

On one hand, he make be the prejudiced jackass that his statement seems to indicate. If he does value those outward attributes over the actuall quality of person, then yeah, it may be time to let him go. If he had decided that he significant other has to fulfill this vision, then that's his loss. Don't feel personally insulted, view it as dodging a bullet.

On the other hand, this assumption that he has may be based on some questionable ground. Ask he why he feels that way and how that view came about. He (and you) might figure out that the reasons he took foregranted aren't so true anymore. Perhaps he feels like he has to find a blonde because that's what his dad always said he should look for. Who knows.

If I was in your position, I would sit him down as soon as possible and in a non-confrontational manner, discuss this with him. Don't demand an explanation or ask him to go back on what he said, just try to figure out what lead him to believe that he has to find himself "married to a tall blonde woman." His response will give you a lot more information to work with. Either you understand his reasons and you both commit to working through it, or you both find better partners.

Regardless of what happens, don't believe for a moment that his preconceived notions effect your value as a person. Having someone love you is a wonderful feeling, but you don't have to let someone else's misguided notions hurt your self-esteem.
posted by arcolz at 8:50 PM on May 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Well, I'm leaning toward RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!

But there's a voice in my head that reminds me that my own boyfriend said something -- not like what your boyfriend said, Anon, but something that seemed pretty red-flaggish to me -- when we were first dating that I immediately thought was a total dealbreaker, and my immediate instinct was to FLEE NOW BEFORE I GET IN TOO DEEP.

But then I assessed it -- brutally honestly -- in the context of how everything else was going between us. And the fact was, everything else was... fine. Truly, really, fine. Like, when I told my therapist about how our relationship was unfolding, her face lit up fine. In fact, more than fine: it was awesome, in a calm, lovely, steady, seemingly healthy and happy way.

So I made the very conscious decision that I wouldn't run... but I'd damn sure keep my running shoes near the door, as it were. I'd give it another couple of months, at which point if I still felt the urge to flee, I would.

As it turned out, however, the issue that he had -- which I assumed was necessarily and forever an automatic dealbreaker -- was something he honestly worked out in the course of falling in love with me. We've been together going on four years, and it's the best relationship of either of our lives.

This is not to say that our story will automatically be your story. This is not to say you two have the solid basis that my boyfriend and I clearly had, because I can't tell from your question if that's true. But it is to say that in some cases, it's worth it to find a way to balance being mindful of your gut instincts (and preparing to follow them) while still giving yourself (and your partner) a little room to see if you're both capable of adapting and growing in a healthy direction. I gave my boyfriend (and me) that chance, and it was the best thing I've ever done.
posted by scody at 8:52 PM on May 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I wonder why everyone is telling you to run and never look back when what this guy is doing is communicating honestly, while every relationship expert I've ever heard has said communication and honesty are two important elements to a healthy relationship.

That's not to say you shouldn't break up with him. If you, and you alone, decide that you don't want to be patient with him, tell him so. In other words, I agree with Brandon. If you want to keep this guy, talk to him. If you don't, talk to him and then part on good terms.

The only extra advice I would give is that if you do decide to stick with this, ,make it clear to him that under no circumstances will you allow him to settle for you (ie; if he decides he still wants a tall blonde but decides you're OK anyway) because that's not fair to either of you in the long-run.

Either way, good luck.
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:57 PM on May 17

Sorry, us guys are mostly idiots. My opinion is that you need to confront this head on with something like "I STILL feel as intensely about this as before, and HALF BAKED EFFORTS to be honest IS CAUSING ME TO a hard time seeing us together. Tell him he needs to decide VERY quickly whether his fantasy relationship is worth pursuing without you in his life, cuz having patience for something like this ain't gonna happen.

Taking this approach will either wake him up to what he has with you, or sends him on his way to chase rainbows. If it's the former, make sure he is sincere so that you can forgive his juvenile outburst, and if it's the later - good riddance.
posted by walleeguy at 9:06 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sweet of him to pick on things you really can't change or control. You can't become a tall, blond brood mare to little Aryan children.

Frankly, when Mr. 26.2 showed up he wasn't exactly what I pictured. However, when I met Mr. 26.2 stuff like his height and ethnic background were trivial in comparison to the attraction and affection I felt for him.

The fact that your boyfriend pictured marrying and breeding with a blond is not the problem. The problem is he's reluctant to let go of the illusion for relationship with you.
posted by 26.2 at 9:08 PM on May 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

If you said, "Every fiber of my being tells me to stay and be patient," you wouldn't necessarily be wrong. But you don't feel that way. Think about it, and ditch if that's what you want to do. It's not somehow objectively unreasonable.
posted by grobstein at 9:22 PM on May 17

Get out.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:24 PM on May 17

I think his rationale for being hesitant is repugnant, but even without that, I'm concerned about his hesitancy more generally. This difference: you're falling; he's pulling back, is a difficult one to navigate. Considering it is happening at what I presume to still be the fun, early stage of the relationship, I'd suggest that his hesitancy spells a very challenging future.
posted by serazin at 9:33 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, I wonder why everyone is telling you to run and never look back when what this guy is doing is communicating honestly,

Because he's honestly communicating that he:
a) isn't into her
b) is a shallow douche.

Flush him.
posted by aquafortis at 9:33 PM on May 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Every fiber of my being tells me to run and not look back? Your instincts sound pretty darn accurate to me.

Am I overreacting? No. It's unfortunate, and I'm sure you're hurting, but far better to learn that he's shallow and unkind sooner rather than later.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 PM on May 17

Only you can really tell if the guy has some sort of complex over appearances and seemingly irrelevant details, and only such a personal judgment could determine whether you should stay with him or not. He might not be a loon, just incredibly sentimental.

I agree that the sentiment might not be as bad as it sounds ("She said I was like trash?" "It doesn't sound that bad in Spanish."). Do you think he's trying to tell you: "Please be patient, because I haven't made up my mind yet whether I could live with settling on you?" or maybe "Please be patient, because I'm trying to work with these admittedly messed up assumptions I just realized I had about my life that I'm trying to understand/work through?" If you think it is option B, then maybe it is worth trying to talk to him about what he said and how it made you feel. All that said, it doesn't sound like you're overreacting to me. What a thing to say!
posted by mustard seeds at 9:35 PM on May 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just a word of warning: humans suck at the whole "form-thought-text-out-text-in-interpret" thing. There were a number of times that my ex would say something to me and I'd think, "Were we even speaking the same language?"

We don't know how long you've been dating. We don't know how old you are. We don't know a lot of things. So we don't really know if you are overreacting or not. I'd be willing to guess that your boyfriend got a case of verbal diarrhea and said whatever was on his mind, which came out in this ridiculous word salad that you've shared with us.

If you have really been falling in love with him, you owe yourself the opportunity to figure out what is going on. Talk to him.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:37 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Not over-reacting at all. He was honest... well kudos for him for being honest about being shallow and vapid. Maybe I'm harsh, but as much as he can't picture himself without someone tall and blonde, I'm sorry, I just can't picture anyone with someone whose life priorities are like that.
posted by davidnc at 9:45 PM on May 17

I commend him for his honesty. You should too.

Then you should break up, because even if he is not purposefully being a jackass, he is so inept at expressing himself that this will be just the first of many, many painful misunderstandings.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:48 PM on May 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Every fiber of your being wants to run because your worthiness as a potential spouse and mother has been cruelly insulted by your boyfriend, and for what? He's given you the shallowest, stupidest reason imaginable, one that has nothing to do with your actual worth or even common sense. Marrying a tall blond is no guarantee of having a little brood of ubermenschen and we're not quite at Gattaca-level fetal technology yet.

He's giving himself an out to throw in your face when he's ready to get serious with someone else. Listen to your instincts. They are telling you that you deserve someone who loves you just as you are.
posted by melissa may at 10:00 PM on May 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

Count me in the DTMFA group. It's not that he has doubts so much that would upset me as that he showed no thought as to how hurtful telling you in detail would be.

Switch it around to the guy version "I don't feel as intensely about this as before, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time seeing us together because I always imagined myself married to a rich, well endowed man and having well off children. I'm not sure if I can let that go, but I don't want to break up either. Could you be patient with me?".

I'm having trouble giving your guy the benefit of the doubt here and have a strong suspicion he's feeling you out to see just how much you'll put up with. He wants to keep you on the hook until he finds someone else. Run away!
posted by stray thoughts at 10:20 PM on May 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

No, you're not overreacting. I suggest you tell him that you have a hard time seeing the two of you together because you always imagined yourself with someone who isn't a complete cocksucker. Then DTMFA.
posted by paultopia at 10:32 PM on May 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

CORRECT ANSWER TO Could you be patient with me?
"Yes, I could. But I am not going to be. Bye"
posted by jcworth at 10:34 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

If I were you I'd tell him you were giving him some time to think it over and that he should call you if he chooses your reality over his fantasy. Then walk away. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't, but it will be worse either way if you stick around waiting for him to figure things out.
posted by hazyjane at 10:38 PM on May 17

You instinct may be right. Those urging you to re-think running may be right.

I'd say it depends on how he actually said it, and how you discuss it later. We can assume that he is tall and blond. He has had this image of his future-self in his mind for years. It is a difficult think to part with. You are seeing an identity crisis.

I have known a couple mixed-race couples (both were Asian male-white female) where the women started feeling significant anxiety about what their children would look like when marriage was coming. Years later, both couples are still together and happy.

I think you should be somewhat flattered because he is thinking of you seriously enough to cause those images of 'real' kids to start popping into his head. It would take a significant d-bag to dump you because this conflicts with preconceived notions. But ANYONE with preconceived notions is going to have some transition issues. He's not an awful person just because he brought these issues to you.
posted by FuManchu at 10:40 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have never heard such a thing! What does he expect from you? Personally, I would wink at him, say "Sorry to disappoint you." and walk away never to come back.
posted by lottie at 10:53 PM on May 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm having a hard time seeing us together because I always imagined myself married to a tall blonde woman and having blonde children.

Shallow jerk. Leave now.
posted by rokusan at 11:09 PM on May 17

"WOW" Sounds like its time to find the person who appreciates who are and gets the "WOW" factor from you, everyone has different definitions of the "WOW" factor but it must be there for both parties.

Well I like to compare finding the right partner to buying a pair of shoes.
You are walking along, minding your own business when you casually glance into the shop window and see these shoes.
Enough interest has been generated to enter the shop and make a closer inspection, there are 2 outcomes, you buy or you don’t buy.
Now you either go “wow” I have to buy these shoes or maybe sit there debating about whether you buy, you may be umming & arring will they go with my outfit, my handbag, are they too expensive, too uncomfortable, not my style or do you go “yes, I’II buy them without hesistation”
Or do you walk out the shop and have a think about it as you don’t won’t to make the wrong decision, or maybe you will check out what other shoe shops have in stock.

If the boy/girl can’t decide are they getting the “WOW” factor, it’s quite a simple process.
The world is full of shoes ready to buy, but before you buy you have to know what you’re looking for, something sleek & stylish may not be very practical or comfortable or maybe it’s not the worlds coolest shoe but you will wear it until the soles fall apart.

If this guys wants a different pair of shoes, I would suggest he should get out & start shopping.
posted by fitstyler at 11:10 PM on May 17

WTF? Every fiber of my being tells me to run and not look back? Am I overreacting?

He's told you you are Ms Right Now, not Mrs Right. If you don't enjoy being Ms Right Now, to be ditched the first time a would-be Mrs Right expresses interest, then run, run away.

Life is too short to be someone's backup plan.
posted by rodgerd at 11:14 PM on May 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

As has been said already above, trust your instinct.
posted by ericb at 12:21 AM on May 18

If you're both white, he's a jerk, and my advice is to run. If he's white and you're not, then run faster, please. Go go go. Thinking of a white man saying this to a non-white woman is making me queasy.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:26 AM on May 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

You know, a lot of people start out shallow. A lot of people grow out of it. Some don't.

There's definitely not enough information here to know what will happen with your boyfriend; there may not be enough information in the universe to know. Sorry, no clear answer, but I'd say you might consider:

1) Is he likely to become more mature soon?

2) Is he generally thoughtful?

3) How does he treat you? Does his behavior point to some kind of conception of you as "not alpha", or does he adore you deeply otherwise?
posted by amtho at 1:29 AM on May 18

For me, the real warning sign isn't that this guy has an image of the perfect leggy blonde stuck in his head. It's the fact that he has a preference for a certain type of child based on appearances. You pick a car, or a house, based on how it looks. Viewing potential human beings in those terms indicates that he has a creepy attitude towards marriage and reproduction in general.

So put me down in the "RUN AWAY" column.
posted by Girl Scout of Death at 2:23 AM on May 18

The fact that your boyfriend pictured marrying and breeding with a blond is not the problem. The problem is he's reluctant to let go of the illusion for relationship with you.

Yes, this is stated perfectly.

To my ears, your boyfriend's statement can be translated thus:

"Will you be my guinea pig? Ok, maybe it's gonna hurt your feelings, if things go wrong, but I'm EWLLY interested to see if I'll change!!!"

Ew. Your emotions should not have to be subjected to his very self-absorbed psychology experiment.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 5:17 AM on May 18

oof...EWLLY? I meant -REALLY-
posted by The ____ of Justice at 5:17 AM on May 18

He may be saying these kind of insensitive things to gain the upper hand. Maybe it's a tactic to make you nervous and insecure. Maybe he's just a shallow prick. The, "Please be patient with me" line is the most upsetting for me. It's as if he's saying, "You're not the kind of person I envisioned falling in love with. You're don't meet my standards but maybe I can force myself to make it work with you."

I'm blond and I have enough evidence that my husband prefers brunettes. He still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't like how the guy thinks. He just isn't disapproving of your hair color, he disapproves of you. Ultimately he disapproves of himself if he would say such a thing. I do like what greekphilosophy said upthread. Some people don't have a filter and say insensitive things without meaning to do harm. A lot of people will see the light and notice the error of their ways. After you talk with him and he doesn't apologize and admit that he was a jerk, I'd seriously consider moving on. I don't advocate game playing but if you play your cards right and end this relationship with dignity and civility I bet he'll be blindsided. Then you'll have "hand", as they on Seinfeld.

A personal story: When I was young and stupid I told my entire General Psych class that I didn't like old people, or more accurately, I didn't feel comfortable around them. I was 18 and shallow and tended to say things the wrong way. I realized the error of my ways when I was jumped on and questioned, thought about it more, and grew up. Some people can be reformed.

Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 5:28 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've been sititng here for five minutes thinking about your question, trying to give your bf an out, trying not to add to the "he's a jerk" chorus, but no dice. The more I think about it and try to envision myself in the scenario, the angrier I get.

You don't say how long you and bf have been together, but I'm azzuming it's a wihle since you are falling in love with him. It's hurtful that even at that stage he is unable to let go of his fantasy and appreciate you in the reality. He even admits his feelings have REGRESSED ie "I'm not as intense as before," which is not a good sign (and really points to the idea that this is less about his "blonde ambition" and more about other [more substantive] things he has not expressed, but that's a different theory for a different day.)

So to answer your question, no you are not overreacting. Your bf has given you a gift in telling you now his true feelings--that he's not into you enough to let go of his immature fantasy--instead of waiting until you get in deeper and he just disappears one day with no explanation. Thank your lucky stars and keep it moving, broken heart and all.

Good luck and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Truly...
posted by GeniPalm at 5:36 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

This happened to me at age 25. I DTMFA. Twenty years later, I am just as grateful, if not more so, that I did.
posted by lleachie at 6:19 AM on May 18

People who say he's being honest and that should be appreciated don't seem to consider that being 100% brutally honest when it doesn't serve any purpose is just called being an asshole. Saying that to you was not helpful.

If I were you, I would have said some smartass comeback saying how you always pictured yourself with a guy who had (insert characteristic he doesn't have), but you're able to get the fuck over it because you aren't a big baby.
posted by ishotjr at 6:30 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

my first instinct: sometimes people say things to get you to break up with them so they can avoid being the one to do it.

if there was more to the conversation or you goaded this out of him, have some long talks. if this was a spur of the moment revelation with zero prompting from you, the DTMFA. life is too short to be unhappy. it's certainly too short to date douchebags.
posted by nadawi at 7:12 AM on May 18

I don't think that was the worst thing I've ever heard someone say. But I will tell you that every time I have gone against what every fiber of my being was telling me I have ended up regretting it.
posted by KAS at 7:26 AM on May 18

To add to what I said earlier, when I was in my mid-20's, I fell totally for a beautiful woman. I have never been as infatuated in my life as I was then. She played a tiny bit of guitar. I didn't. One day we were hanging around her apartment and she was playing guitar. She literally said to my face that she wished she could date a guy who played guitar.

Wow did that hurt. We didn't stay together for long. It turned out to be a painful relationship.

I just think life is too short to be seriously hurt by the people we are romantically involved with.

Of course after that I made sure I learned to play guitar.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:45 AM on May 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

When we were dating, my husband said that he was usually attracted to very tan, petite women. I am a curvy, very white skinned (unable to tan, except turn pinkish) kind of lady. It was obvious we had crazy chemistry, so his comment surprised me, until:

He promptly said, "When I met you, you re-wrote the book."
posted by whimsicalnymph at 8:11 AM on May 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Erm, well, I can see how there may be some miscommunication here in terms of trying to be honest and general guy boneheadedness, etc. But overall, I, too, say yeahhhh no thanks. Find someone who digs you and/or has a better mouth filter.

I say this because I dated this guy, too. Here were my problems, According to Him:

1. wrong hair color
2. wrong interests/hobbies
3. wrong clothes
4. wrong job

I'm just old enough that I don't meld myself into what my dates want me to be (because I did that when I was 19-20 and, uh, it wasn't so great). We broke up and he spent the next, hmm, six months trying to get back together with me because - what a surprise - he couldn't find someone else who was (he openly admitted) as grounded, fit, bed-licious, and humorous as I. So his response to my departure makes me think there's some power thing going on with these types of personae. When I was with him, he made it clear I didn't measure up. The moment I left, I was suddenly perfect for him. That's a whole cache of who-knows-what-the-fuck psych dynamics going on that I'm just not in the mood to deal with. Are you?

Guys who think in terms of required catgetories often have some ever-present hang-up: you're too tall, you're too short, you're too this, too that. It's often a psychological tool for inhibiting intimacy and it's not your job to fix that. Let him work out his own stuff on this own time. Be grateful you're getting out early before you're too strongly attached to him. Were you to stay with him, you'd spend a serious amount of time aspiring toward whatever category he desired, yet always feel insecure, sensing that you're falling short on some mysterious factor. No thanks.
posted by December at 8:26 AM on May 18 [4 favorites has favorites]

A couple of years ago I had a guy pull the be-a-jerk-so-she'll-break-up-with-me act. After I ended it, he IMed me and before I could stop him gave me a list of three reasons why he wasn't as attracted to me as he'd initially thought. "Too short" was one of them. And I couldn't have been happier that I'd just broken up with him. There are plenty of guys who favor short girls, I'd never attempted to conceal my height (i.e. no heels), and he'd asked me out, so wtf?

I don't trust myself to be objective about your situation, but some honest questions: If you stayed together, would there always be a worry at the back of your mind that he wasn't completely happy with you, wished his children looked different? What would it take for you to truly get over his comments? Is that likely to happen?
posted by ecsh at 8:41 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

My best friend had someone say that to her once. She did not run away, and now her life is an endless drama of the deadbeat dad continuing to try to manipulate her via their (ironically blonde and tall child). "Shallow" is actually the most charitable interpretation of his comments.
posted by snickerdoodle at 8:48 AM on May 18

I don't feel as intensely about this as before

Surely this is the warning sign? To be honest, I'm a bit surprised by all the people in this thread calling this guy shallow for apparently having realized that he has been living his life at least partly in thrall to certain fantasies or assumptions. Guess what, we all do. Even you people on this thread calling him a jerk.

No need for any hostility here. He's cooling on you; your instincts say to end the relationship. Your road ahead seems clear. I'd urge you not to complicate or dramatize it with all the DTMFA-brigade hate.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 9:07 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Find a man who's madly in love with you. Don't settle for someone who's mooning over every tall blonde who walks by on the street. Long term, you won't trust him. And, if he's holding onto a fantasy woman, it's up to him to either find her or grow up.
posted by x46 at 9:16 AM on May 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

I don't feel as intensely about this as before

I'm taking from this that yours is this guy's first longterm relationship; he's never survived beyond that first flush of romantic love into the less intense (but deeper) stuff that comes after, and doesn't really know how to cope with it yet.

If that is in fact the case, then what he's saying is, ok, granted, a dumb thing to say out loud -- but it sounds more like "I'm trying to work past this image I've built up in my head, but it's difficult, please bear with me while I try" than like "hey, bleach your hair and wear high heels or GTFO."
posted by ook at 9:57 AM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Four thoughts come to mind:

1. (Limited biology filter) Isn't blondness a recessive trait? So what happens if one of his children comes out a brunette? Seriously - does he plan to love them any less, or favor the other, blond child, a little more?

2. I think honesty is commendable, but it isn't clear exactly what he wants you to do.

What exactly does 'being patient' involve in his mind? All sorts of questions come up. Patient until he overcomes his fantasy? Patient until he understands why he has this fantasy? Is he taking some sort of steps? Reflecting on why he has this fantasy? Is he blond himself? Why is a blond wife and blond children so important? What happens if the children don't come out blond. Are there other qualities he is looking for, other than blond? If this fantasy is important to him, why is he dating you? Does his want you to not ask him about it again until he mentions it? Does he want to talk about it? Does he want you not to hold this against him? What exactly does he want? If he just needs you to be patient, well, you could have been that without knowledge of his fantasy, so why did he tell you? To be off the hook?

3. But perhaps since he has been honest, you can to. He's explained (in a limited fashion) what he wants (blond wife and kids, a little insight, patience from you), but what do you want? Can you tell him that?

4. You can be patient, but I think patience has expiration dates. I suppose you could give it a month - but what would you like to hear in a month? Can you tell him what you need to hear from him in a month? At least everyone then would know the parameters.

In the end, if my brother had told me that he wanted to be with a woman who was physically different from the one he was with, I suppose I would tell him that part of love is about protecting the person we are with from unnecessary pain, and standing by them during the inevitable pain that happens in life. I would tell him that telling her this would cause her unnecessary pain, and that rather than telling her, he needs to figure this out on his own, because there is nothing she can do to help him determine this. His thinking this way is unfortunate, but telling her is just thoughtless and cruel - because while it may make him feel better, the effect on her cannot be positive. And you don't do that to people you love.

The fact that he did do this to you, OP, would give me serious pause, regardless of if he does come to terms with the difference between his fantasy ideal and you. (Damn, even writing that makes it seem like you are accepting less than you deserve. Forget what I said OP - I think your boyfriend needs to grow a little more. Please find someone who sees you and their fantasy ideal as the same thing - whether that be in terms of what's on the inside or the outside).
posted by anitanita at 11:14 AM on May 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

While for sure some people get a dream built up in their head, etc., etc. as some previous have suggested as an excuse, no one that you should stay with actually says that nonsense OUT LOUD while they are dealing with this. I would leave.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 12:53 PM on May 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Even beyond the blonde thing, he's just not that into you. Go directly to breakup.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:44 PM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

You are overreacting. Dumping him is not a constructive way of responding to the insecurities he's feeling and expressing. I'm assuming he's honest here, and you've given me no reason to think otherwise. He's sentiment is admittedly a bit weird but not unheard of. I agree with anitanita, give it at least a month.
posted by Orchestra at 2:51 PM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

WTF? Every fiber of my being tells me to run and not look back? Am I overreacting?

No, your fibers seem right to me. That is a totally weird thing to say, and even weirder to actually want to act on.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:51 PM on May 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's time to move on with your life. Who says stuff like that? Do you really want to be dating someone who says stuff like that? Let him find someone else to continue the Aryan race with.
posted by chunking express at 11:26 AM on May 19 [1 favorite has favorites]