How do you tell a man that you don't like the way he kisses?

November 27, 2004 4:11 PM

How do you tell a man that you don't like the way he kisses? Is it even possible to do without irrevocable damage to his ego?
posted by Juicylicious to human relations (23 comments total)

My first inclination would be "don't tell him, show him". By that, I mean take the lead and do to him what you'd like him to do to you.

Perhaps you can be more specific about what the problem is?
posted by Caviar at 4:44 PM on November 27, 2004

I think the only way to go about it would be praising whatever part he does right.
posted by falconred at 4:44 PM on November 27, 2004

I think that the show-don't-tell idea works as well with kissing as it does with writing fiction. I went out with a man who was a slobbery vacuum cleaner, whenever he started with that shit I would pull away, and then kind of aggressively come back in with what I consider good kissing. Any time he did something right, I would make those little porno noises boys seem to like so much, when he did it wrong I would immediately back off. He never got perfect but he did get better. If you do feel like you have to talk to him about it, make sure that you point out that what he's doing isn't wrong (even though I'm sure it is), it's just that different people have different styles and tastes and it would be just so, so hot if he would indulge yours.
Or you could go all Pretty Woman on his ass and say no kissing, just sex ;)
posted by cilantro at 4:56 PM on November 27, 2004 [2 favorites]

How about something like, "Do you know what makes my knees weak when I kiss someone...?" and then hit the points that you need to make without ever mentioning that it's their kissing that's driving ya nuts.
posted by jperkins at 4:58 PM on November 27, 2004

those little porno noises boys seem to like so much

Once more, this time with feeling.
posted by felix betachat at 5:22 PM on November 27, 2004

Little porno noises could cure world hunger if we could figure out how to bottle them.
posted by Caviar at 5:30 PM on November 27, 2004

I have this same experience right now with a woman- so don't think it is only men who kiss shittily. Women can do it too. This woman a) worships me (for god knows what reason), and b) wants me so bad... but she kisses like she is applying paint to a barn door. Other than that she's OK.

At any rate, I wanted to weigh in here and say that sometimes women kiss like shit too, not just men.

I intend to shake her when she does it wrong.
posted by pissfactory at 5:43 PM on November 27, 2004 [1 favorite]

This woman a) worships me (for god knows what reason)

Perhaps it's your witty and charming moniker.

But back to the issue at hand, I'm with the show-don't-tell folks as a first resort. But I'm all paggro like that.
posted by drpynchon at 6:47 PM on November 27, 2004

The show-and-tell approach is good. Say to him: "Let's do some experimental kissing. It really gets me hot when you kiss me like this:" [and then demonstrate]

Don't ever criticise him. Just accentuate the positive and give him some techniques to work with.
posted by skylar at 6:48 PM on November 27, 2004

i had this same problem with my SO. i followed the same general plan as cilantro: pull away when it was unpleasant... try to encourage the good things.

however, in my case, things never really got better- my girl was too insecure and was thrown off by me pulling away. perhaps this lends some weight to the answers saying "positive reinforcement only".

in short, YMMV... and good luck... it's hard to have a satisfying relationship without compatible kissing, as you already know.
posted by fake at 7:16 PM on November 27, 2004

A good way to handle this is by telling him to do the things you like. Affirm the positive if condemning the negative seems too confrontational.

"Oh yeah baby kiss me gently, ooh yeah, close your lips a little, that's good, yeah, now kiss me on my chin, my cheeks, here, gnow give me your mouth, ooh, slower, yeah baby" is always going to come across better than "stop sticking your tongue down my throat" or "I don't like what you're doing."
posted by scarabic at 7:31 PM on November 27, 2004

One brilliant idea is to broach the subject sometime when you're lounging comfortably in bed: "How do you like to be kissed?" 9 times out of ten, he'll say "Gee, golly, I don't really know... why? How do YOU like the be kissed?" then you can grab him and ravish him whichever way you prefer. If he's paying any attention whatsoever, he'll catch on.

Another possibility if he tends to drool on you is to pin him on his back, straddle him, and kiss him from above. Gravity will keep his saliva where it belongs (i.e. not trickling down your chin). If he resists, pin his hands over his head, pull your face back a few inches and gaze lovingly into his eyes until he stops doing the offensive behavior, then resume kissing. It may take some repetition, but again, he'll catch on.
posted by bonheur at 7:50 PM on November 27, 2004

Love "paggro".
posted by zadcat at 8:23 PM on November 27, 2004

I had this problem, too. I said something cheesy like, "Wow, we have entirely different kissing styles. We need to match those up," and then proceeded to turn the evening into a fun night, masking as tutorial. This particular guy tended to stiffen up his lips and flick his tongue like a lizard in and out of my mouth. So, I said, "Hmm, my lips are sort of loose and you tend to tighten yours up more -- let's find a happy medium!" It worked, too, and we were together, with a happy kissing relationship, for several years.
posted by Zosia Blue at 9:29 PM on November 27, 2004

Lose the zero and get with a hero.
posted by inksyndicate at 9:59 PM on November 27, 2004

Or you could just take the route an ex of mine did and, at a time other than when kissing is going on, say "hey, I think your kissing needs some work." Hey, it worked. I mean, I don't think I'm a good kisser, but at least I'm tolerable now. And really, it wasn't a big deal.
posted by kavasa at 10:45 PM on November 27, 2004

Lose the zero and get with a hero.

I'm trying as hard as I can!!
[runs out of room crying]
posted by jenovus at 10:56 PM on November 27, 2004

"I don't like your kissing but on the other hand I do worship your c**k, so..."

My vote would be for telling it straight, but be prepared with a list of all the great things he does (lie, if necessary). A harsh reality, though, is that if you don't upset him slightly he probably won't *really* take it on board. I've had some fairly frank discussions with people regarding technique and it really really has fixed whatever the problem was every time.

Scarabic. May I have your telephone number?
posted by nthdegx at 6:16 AM on November 28, 2004

A girl once told me that she liked the way I kissed her, and described how that was and why she liked it. I don't think that I had been kissing her that way beforehand, but I certainly did after. I assume it was a ploy, but a dangerous one. What if I'd missed the hint, where do you go then? Men are a thick-headed bunch (and only get thicker in the head when little porno noises are about). So I'm with nthdegx here. Not in wanting scarabic's phone number, but in advocating a frank discussion. The good ones are always willing to learn.
posted by Prince Nez at 7:00 AM on November 28, 2004

In my experience, every girl likes different things - long and passionate, lots of little kisses, lots of tongue, a hint of tongue, etc. etc. So mimicry works for me since I don't care. I'm getting kissed. Score.

My suggestion: men like to be wanted (just like women) - so jump him, take what you want, and whisper "just follow my lead" if he's not getting the hint. He may have just been led astray from what you like by a previous gal.
posted by sachinag at 7:38 AM on November 28, 2004

I think kissing style is an emergent phenomenon between two people. If I don't like something, it's often because I'm not really connecting with the kiss, rather than because of his particular moves. And I've discovered that things I thought I didn't like (e.g., whole tongue shoved in my mouth) can actually be great once I get used to them. Well, everything except the tongue in the ear hole. That's always and forever objectively GROSS!
posted by insideout at 8:14 AM on November 28, 2004

Well, if it's all the way in the earhole, maybe...

I've never had issues with really bad kissers, but there's always that settling in and getting to know kissing style when you first start kissing someone.

Most of the advice you've gotten here is pretty good, but I would really emphasize the "don't tell him straight up he's a bad kisser." I'd say resist the stuff you don't like; maybe not by pulling away, but just by switching him onto stuff you do like. And, just, react more strongly to what works. Those porno noises, or even just physically, like, by pressing closer or pulling him closer or grabbing him or whatever.

In other words, what falconred said, only more with the physical reinforcement, less with the verbal.

(Aside: the moment on Sex and the City where Charlotte is dating a bad kisser and she tells him "Stop! You're a bad kisser!" and then he says "It's my thing," and she makes a face that's a combination of contemptuous and perplexed, is my favourite scene ever from that show.)
posted by SoftRain at 5:43 PM on November 28, 2004

Most likely, the situation is either a) he's too inexperienced to know how to kiss (solution: tell him that you're going to teach him how to kiss, and do so), b) he has had experience with someone(s) who, rightly or wrongly, validated his way of kissing (solution: tell him that your ways of kissing are not compatible, and it's something that you want to work on), or c) he's a fuckwit who will never be a good kisser, and he'll basically ignore any request you make (solution: kiss someone who isn't a fuckwit who will never be a good kisser).

Please note that in scenario b), there does not need to be any kind of wishy-washy 'but I really like the way you touch me' nonsense. One of the most annoying things about being a straight guy is having to deal with situations in which a female has a clear, high-priority gripe in her head, but has convinced herself that expressing it directly is the worst thing she could possibly do.
posted by bingo at 10:01 PM on November 28, 2004