Meet you at the cemetry gates

May 15, 2009 1:52 PM

How can I best prepare for death or, I guess, the process of dying?

Of course, I know death is as unpredictable as it is certain, and there is no foolproof preparation. I could die by choking on my cottage cheese tomorrow, for example. No preparing for that.

But, let's say in 6 months I am going to be diagnosed with a painful and horrible disease that will kill me within 6 months of being diagnosed, meaning I would be dead in about a year from now. What could I do before I am diagnosed that would best prepare me for what's to come? In essence, I am asking what can I do before I begin the acute process of dying, whether it be 6 months from now or 80 years.

And, certainly, none of you are dead, so you can't give me advice for the other side. But, I am sure many of you have come damn close to dying one way or another. And I am sure many more of you have watched loved ones die. I am sure there is some wisdom out there I don't have direct access to.

For the record, I have had both happen to me. After they were over, however, rather than giving me the clarity I would have liked, or expected, I am more confused by these experiences. I am not sure my personal experiences are all that valuable to the question, but I can provide them if necessary.

posted by milarepa to grab bag (39 comments total)

Spiritually or practically? Or both?
posted by desjardins at 1:56 PM on May 15

I'm not sure what you mean by "prepare." You are going to die someday--as you said, possibly in five minutes but also possibly in centuries if we have some sort of technological breakthrough. Preparation will not change that.

You ask "what [you] can do before [you] begin the acute process of dying." What do you mean? At one point, you will be alive. At another point, you will be dead and in 1-200 years, very little of anything you did will have any meaning whatsoever to the living.
posted by Phyltre at 1:59 PM on May 15

Either/Or. I am open to both.
posted by milarepa at 2:00 PM on May 15

I think making connections to people you love, helping other people live better lives, and doing a shitload of fun stuff is the way to prepare.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:01 PM on May 15 [5 favorites has favorites]

I have a feeling you are going to get as many different answers as there are people, and none of them are going to sound quite right to you. Death is one of those things that is intensely personal, and everyone, to some extent, has to work out on their own.

Not that talking to people won't help you, because you have things to reflect on and adapt to your own purposes. It's just that there is no one single Unified Field Theory for Coping With Your Own Mortality -- we all do it differently.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:01 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

You ask "what [you] can do before [you] begin the acute process of dying." What do you mean? At one point, you will be alive. At another point, you will be dead and in 1-200 years, very little of anything you did will have any meaning whatsoever to the living.

I mean is there anything I can do to prepare myself for the process of dying. I am not concerned about it having meaning to anyone else.
posted by milarepa at 2:03 PM on May 15

Figure out a way to pay for your own funeral and burial. It can be a major financial burden on your family. Also, make sure that your finances are in order. Trying to sort out a deceased family member's financial situation is very difficult, especially if you are emotionally drained from grieving. These two things are wonderful gifts you give to your family from beyond the grave, gifts they may never even realize they have benefited from. If my maternal grandmother had planned those two things through, her children would still be on speaking terms with each other.
posted by Foam Pants at 2:06 PM on May 15 [8 favorites has favorites]

Read books about people who are preparing for death. The Last Lecture (which I really enjoyed, though I thought I wasn't going to) and Somewhere Towards the End are both good examples.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:07 PM on May 15

Meditate
posted by Busmick at 2:07 PM on May 15

Its not learning how to die that is important, it is learning how to live. One of the great commonalities I've observed in older people being asked about their lives, is the statement that the whole thing took but a moment. So, really, we are all on our deathbeds the instant we are born. Snap your fingers and you'll be 90 and dying of cancer, or what have you.

So, preparing for death is knowing it is coming soon and accepting that as inevitable, and using this to live your life in the here and now. You aren't going to be dead in a year, you will be dead tomorrow, so live today, live like its going out of style, because it is. Ironically, the better you can keep your own mortality in the back of your mind, the less it will haunt you.

There is a whole lot more metaphysical and theological discussion that could come from what i've said, so i'll leave you to find out on your own how to mesh living in the moment and planning for ones future. It does work.

Read some books by Thich Nhat Hanh, read some books on Zen and Taoism. That is where I found my answer, but read books on other paths, your answer may be somewhere else.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 2:07 PM on May 15 [7 favorites has favorites]

By keeping mortality in the back of your mind, I mean you are always concious of it on some level. I didn't mean to stuff or ignore it, quite the opposite, really.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 2:10 PM on May 15

If I understand, you want ideas about things you can do now to negate your current anxiety that you will, at some point in the future, learn your life expectancy is short and become flustered, or physically incapacitated, and not be able to do what needs to be done.

You could research hospice facilities in your area, and update your research periodically.

You can also think about what important things are unsaid between you and people you care about, and say them. Similarly, think about doing any "I want to do X before I die" wishes you may have had.

Have a will, if you have any preferences about the disposition of your estate.

Don't keep anything in your house that you wouldn't want to get discovered when you are unavailable to explain.

I hope this is a purely theoretical question! Best wishes to you.
posted by lakeroon at 2:11 PM on May 15 [5 favorites has favorites]

Do what you can to make the lives of the people who you leave behind more comfortable, e.g.:

- Write your will to minimize friction and conflictions among the living

- Go through your possessions and decide what to give away and who should have it, what to throw away, etc

- Document how you want your death ceremony to be

- Write a letter to your loved ones telling them truths you feared to tell when you were alive

- Share computer/web account credentials that friends and family might need access to

- Decide if you want to donate your organs and make sure to sign-up and document your decision if so
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:12 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

You might be interested in THANATOLOGY.

Quoted from the website: "Q. THANA-what? Is that one of those new occult religions?

A. No. Thanatology is the study of everything that has to do with dying, death, and grief, including cemeteries and gravestones, such as AIDS, The Arts, Children, Counseling, Cancer &Heart Disease, Euthanasia, Funerals, Grief, History, Hospice, Multi-Cultural Rites, Pain, Counseling, Suicide, Widows & Widowers, etc. etc. etc."
posted by goml at 2:12 PM on May 15

On the practical side, having a will, as well as a living will can help a lot as far as making things easier on your family. Those are the two areas where if you don't make some decisions ahead of time you'll be forcing other people to make them. And if anyone is financially dependent on you then you should probably have life insurance.

I mean is there anything I can do to prepare myself for the process of dying. I am not concerned about it having meaning to anyone else.

It really depends on the person and your own spiritual/philosophical beliefs, but in my opinion no you can't, really. The process of you dying is not going to be a good time for you or anyone else. If you know you're going to die soon ahead of time (and that's not a given) then you are probably going to feel scared and helpless rather than prepared and in control. There's a decent chance that you're going to be in a lot of pain at some point in the process.

But worrying about that is not going to help anything. There's only so much you can do to prepare for your death, and after that you just have to focus on living your life. Live now, and deal with death when you get there.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:20 PM on May 15

One of my best friends died last semester after an extended battle with cancer. One of the things that gave her the most comfort was knowing how many people really did care for her. If you have something you feel like you need to express to someone in your life, let them know. Forgive those that have hurt you, and tell your friends how much you love them. If there are words you need to say to someone with whom you've lost touch, tell a friend or record them yourself. Although she did not wish to die, I know it meant a lot to her to have passed with so much love and affection sent her way, at peace with the choices she made, and the life that she lived.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 2:27 PM on May 15 [2 favorites has favorites]

Given your username, I assume you have at least a passing knowledge of Buddhism. There are plenty of meditations on impermanence - here's a fairly thorough PDF as an example, and here's an excellent essay. I have found that the more I meditate on impermanence, the less fear and suffering I experience. I find it useful to have flowers in my room as a constant reminder that even beautiful things turn brown and shriveled. It's not morbid when you consider the ebb and flow of life (dust to dust, etc). Everything that disappears will reappear.

Lojong training has also been immensely useful, especially #2, regard all phenomena as dreams. The less I think of myself and others as fixed objects, the less I worry about loss and death.
posted by desjardins at 2:31 PM on May 15 [4 favorites has favorites]

I mean is there anything I can do to prepare myself for the process of dying.

Life is journey that eventually stops. What do you want to do/see before the journey stops. Go do it.

You'll have a lot of stuff when you die. What do you want done with it? Figure it out and put it in writing.

Come to terms with the fact that life and people will go on without you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:35 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

you can't.
stop trying to have control over all things. death is the ultimate unknowable. how will meditating prepare you? it might make your life better, but it as nothing to do with your death.

you can make practical preparations for those you leave behind, and personal preparations for leading a different kind of life [endless answers there depending on yr philosophy] but you cant prepare to
posted by mdn at 2:35 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

Unless you make plans for assisted suicide, the only thing that you can influence the process of dying is to make sure that the type of care you expect is thoroughly discussed with all your loved ones and the caregivers.

Make up a will, have a lawyer look it over, pre-purchase whatever funeral arrangements you may wish for, clear out your old junk so that an elderly relative isn't stuck with the job.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:51 PM on May 15

I recommend the book Graceful Exits: How Great Beings Die.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:14 PM on May 15

Reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying might give you both practical and spiritual answers. It's a really inspiring read.
posted by Weng at 3:15 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have come close to death, and I have seen a lot of people die.

There are some practical things that you can do - create a will, write a final letter to your loved ones, pay for your funeral. But if you're looking for some sort of mental or spiritual or emotional preparation for death... I don't believe there is any.

Live with dignity, and be the person you've always wanted to be. Make sure you're happy. Preparation for death can only go as far as having a good life.
posted by lullaby at 3:30 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have no advice, just an anecdote that might be helpful:

My mother died right before Christmas 2007. She was not the most emotionally stable woman I ever met, so I thought being diagnosed with cancer at Thanksgiving that year (probably lung, spread to bones and brain) would have made her a total emotional wreck. Granted, she spent a lot of the time not particularly lucid, at times even combative, but that was likely because of a combination of her likely borderline personality disorder and the brain tumor and the morphine.

However, I was impressed with how she met the prospect of dying. Part of it was her denial of it. She continued radiation until she was not able to (the day before she went into the hospital the last time), had her bed moved down to the first floor parlor, and even chose what bathrobe and jewelry she was going to wear to spend time with the family at Christmas. She gracefully acknowledged get-well flowers from my colleagues by a phone call because she had lost her ability to write. One day, she darkly commented that her sister was standing around looking all weepy like someone was about to die!

The other thing she did was called in a priest. My mother had been estranged from her church because she had been emotionally abused by nuns as a child and misadvised by priests in ways that hurt our family. She carried a lot of anger at her church and at God for this. But she called in the priest, and then did something amazing -- told him that she felt the church owed her an apology, and listed the reasons why. The priest agreed with her, and told her that indeed the church owed her and many of her generation an apology.

My mom was serene at times the week before she died. She assessed her situation and those of her family members, was happy that both my sister and I had found good husbands (I had gotten married earlier that year), and figured she'd had a good life.
posted by lleachie at 3:49 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I took a course on Death and Dying when I was in college. You might check to see if one is offered (mine was done by the sociology department) by a local university. Barring that, I've included some suggestions and some texts that might be helpful.

First off, as silly as it sounds, watching things like "Six Feet Under" and "Dead Like Me" will engage you in the process of considering your own mortality. These shows put the subject in a strangely palatable format, too. So no need to think that you'll run around depressed and emo from all the images of death.

In a more "scientific" vein, you could check out the big writers on the subject. We used a handful of texts for the class I took, and I found them helpful, thoughtful and not too particularly dense or theoretical.

The Path Ahead was the primary text, covering issues from how and why we grieve to how we behave in response to our concept of death. If you check no other book out, I'd look at this one. It's fascinating.

On Death and Dying is by (probably) the best known author in the field - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. This is your one-stop shop for the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. All covered here.

The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade by Thomas Lynch was the final text we used, which was both delicate and thought provoking. The rest of the class has a harsh sort of bluntness to it - so this was a nice break. Still fairly straightforward though, but more narrative in nature (akin to my Six Feet Under/Dead Like Me suggestion).
posted by greekphilosophy at 4:31 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would recommend reading Stephen Levine's A Year to Live -- lots of suggestions for things you might want to get done in regards to relationships with others and preparing yourself for death.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:42 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

1) Prepare a will and a living will. Sign your organ donor card. Possibly buy yourself a burial plot or take some other steps to take care of the planning and the expense of taking care of your body after death.

2) Forget completely all about step 1 and live your life as happily and fulfillingly as possible.

The moment you were conceived you started the process of dying. When you start the process of living is up to you.
posted by Ookseer at 6:51 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think this quote from zen poet Bunan says it best:

Die while you're alive, and be absolutely dead. Then do whatever you want: it's all good.
posted by mothershock at 7:41 PM on May 15

From extreme one is liberating
Like the gallant lion is lying,
In the snow at ease displaying.
Without fear of any kind of falling.
In this view i am so trusting.
To the final goal, death is so leading.
Joy to him who views thus, death brings
The very mild and genial big deer.
Horns having "many points in one taste mere"
He sleeps the plan of blissing near
In the practice do i trust so dear.
Death leads to the path of liberation,
Death brings joy to him who is practicing.
The fish occupies virtues ten,
With bright eyes in color golden,
Swims in the river of active ken,
In his action do i trust often.
Death leads to the path of liberation.
Death brings joy to him who is in action.
The Tigress of self-mind training,
with nice stripes she is adorning,
the altruism is her great glory.
in the woods she is straight walking.
i do trust in her discipline.
Death leads to the path of liberation.
Death brings joy to him who is training.
On the paper of forms positive and negative,
I wrote a long essay with my mind meditative.
In the state of non duality
I watch myself and contemplate.
In such a Dharma do i trust.
Death leads me to liberate,
Death brings me the delight.
The purified essence of moving
energy is like an eagle flying.
On its wings of skill and wisdom
to the holy cause of non-being.
to such attainment i am trusting.
Death leads me to the liberation.
Death brings joy to meditation.

From the, um, "Songs of Milarepa"
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:28 PM on May 15

"One thing is certain, your body will get old, decay, and die." - Buddha

As a woman who is dying of terminal, incurable cancer (verrrrrry slowly) I can give you MY version of what I did to prepare. Hope this helps. There are some wonderful links to books and sites that I think you should explore, very well done MetaHiver's!

-Decide on how far you want your medical care to go, and weather or not to DNR. Put it in writing and get it notarized.

-Make your funeral plans if any. Donate your organs.

-Grab a big hunk of chocolate or a gallon of fine wine and think about those you have harmed along life's path. Call them, write to them and tell them you are sorry, you love them, fogive me, I forgive you....nothing more nothing less. This is important.

-Learn about why you are dying, and if you want to prevent it. Know all there is about the reasons you are sick and all your options.

-Pay your bills, get control of every single aspect in your life, because that's the ONLY thing you have control of, it is soothing and empowering to do this.

-Have a suicide back up plan ready. My family will visit me, leave the morphine drip and an extra bottle just in case, go home and go to sleep. The next morning I will be dead on my concience, not theirs, and nobody will be culpable.

-Fuggetabbout it, Live Like You Were Dying Enjoy what you have and pray to your Divine Entity, meditate in the hall closet, do whatever you can do to enrich your soul. AND-don't forget to laugh lots.


.
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:50 PM on May 15 [5 favorites has favorites]

In other words:



Lather, Rinse, Repeat.


.
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:51 PM on May 15

"I am asking what can I do before I begin the acute process of dying, whether it be 6 months from now or 80 years. "


"Do not act as if thou wert going to live ten thousand years. Death
hangs over thee. While thou livest, while it is in thy power, be good."

"If any god told thee that thou shalt die to-morrow, or certainly on
the day after to-morrow, thou wouldst not care much whether it was
on the third day or on the morrow, unless thou wast in the highest
degree mean-spirited- for how small is the difference?- So think it
no great thing to die after as many years as thou canst name rather
than to-morrow. "


http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.mb.txt
posted by yoyo_nyc at 9:22 PM on May 15

How 'bout meditation? Also: when you have half a week or so left, try heroin, lsd, things like that. Sure, they're dangerous, but you're dying anyway, right?
posted by rainy at 9:32 PM on May 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

The Last Lecture, although this is really about living, not dying.
posted by caddis at 10:43 PM on May 15

I'd medidtate a lot. Like several hours a day.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:45 PM on May 15

Study and follow in the footsteps of your namesake:

In horror of death, I took to the mountains—
Again and again I meditated on the uncertainty of the hour of death.
Capturing the fortress of the deathless unending nature of mind,
Now all fear of death is over and done.
posted by dixie flatline at 12:39 AM on May 16

To be more specific, Milarepa's lineage is called the Kagyu. So one option would be to seek out a living teacher from that lineage and find out from them how to practice. Here is just one possible starting point.
posted by dixie flatline at 1:11 AM on May 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

"He not busy being born is busy dying." Keep busy.
posted by RussHy at 5:04 AM on May 16

Regarding organ donation, you should look into what it requires in your state. Just signing your driver's license may not be enough. I gather from your profile that you're in NYC. If you're a New York resident, register with the state Department of Health. And don't forget to tell your family/etc. about that decision.
posted by knile at 6:03 AM on May 16