Monogamist mind, polygamist loins.

May 13, 2009 2:59 AM

SexFilter/LoveFilter: I love her, so why can't I think only of her?

I love my girlfriend dearly, and I suspect that she is not only the best match for me, but will be the best match for me in the future. (ignoring extenuating details, like her brother, etc.)

So why can't I only think about her? Why do I check out other girls? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21? (And, I guess, relatively horny and open-minded when it comes to age and ethnicity.)

Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together? (Mind you, I could never bring myself to truly betray her and cheat on her.)

posted by the NATURAL to human relations (34 comments total)

erm ... in order ... yes and no. Don't think too hard over this one
posted by jannw at 3:10 AM on May 13

"I love my girlfriend dearly..."
"I'm 21"

You're 21. It's highly unlikely you know what love is. But you might be. Apply my patented Love Litmus Test and if you're really in love, come back and keep reading.

"So why can't I only think about her? Why do I check out other girls? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21?"

Because you're human, 21, and it's OK to window shop, as long as you don't purchase anything from the store.

"Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together? (Mind you, I could never bring myself to truly betray her and cheat on her.) "

No, it dosen't mean you shouldn't be together. If anything, the last sentence of your question should have more value in helping you decide if you should be together than anything else you said.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:15 AM on May 13

You love your girlfriend and you like to look at other women. The two aren't incompatible.
posted by liquorice at 3:16 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's one of those 'try not to think of an elephant' things. The more you worry about this, the more you'll be over-aware of noticing other women.

And at your age, every girlfriend will probably seem like the perfect one you'll stay with forever... until one day you change or she changes and it all seems like a big mistake. You're allowed to think about other women and what it would be like to be with them instead of whoever you're with now. It's part of becoming an adult and finding out what sort of relationship is best for you. But I could be old and cynical and wrong. You're allowed to look at other women, though. I know that.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 3:34 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Honey, just because you've ordered doesn't mean you can't (or won't) take a look at the menu.

As other posters have said, your feelings for her may or not may not change. You don't mention her age, but I'm guessing she's in her early 20s, too. If that's true, then both of you will change and grow immeasurably in the next few years.

To address your actual question, though - the fact that you look at other women in no way lessens or demeans your love for your girlfriend. Most males are visually stimulated. It would be virtually impossible for you not to notice and look at other women, especially at your age. All this means is that you're perfectly normal. Don't worry about it too much.
posted by pecanpies at 4:31 AM on May 13

Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together?

No -- and it's not a problem.
posted by robcorr at 4:41 AM on May 13

There are a lot of attractive people in the world. There are only a few of these that you would want to seriously consider to be the mother of your children, or at least share a bed with.

There are a lot of nice flavours of ice-cream on a menu too, but you are still only going to choose one, no matter how delicious the others look. You've always liked mint choc-chip a little bit better.
posted by mippy at 4:52 AM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

You're 21. It's highly unlikely you know what love is.

I think that's a tad patronising.
posted by mippy at 4:53 AM on May 13 [28 favorites has favorites]

Look, I've been in the same relationship for years. I still check out girls. She still checks out guys. It's not an indication of infidelity. It just means that you find other people attractive. There's a superficiality to that attraction that both you and your girlfriend should recognize, as you don't KNOW these girls, you just see them and want to hump them.

It's no big deal, unless you/her decide to make it a big deal.

If it bothers her, I think it's something you have to address. Otherwise, I think you're cool.
posted by orville sash at 5:21 AM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's nothing wrong with being aware of the fact that there are other attractive people in the world than your partner...
posted by glider at 5:28 AM on May 13

You're human, and you're silly to think that you're never going to notice a pretty face, or a curvy body, but it's one thing to notice it, it's something else entirely to ogle and leer. Billy Graham said when it comes to noticing the female body, that first look is free; after that, you're accountable.
posted by sambosambo at 5:50 AM on May 13

I just want to add that being attracted to other girls is not a symptom of being 21. I'm a 42-year-old married (13-years) guy, and I check out other girls. I imagine I'll be doing this when I'm 70. I hope I still do it at that age, because if I don't, it will mean something has died inside me. And my wife checks out people too. So what?

For SOME people, the difference between 20 and 40 is how you deal with it. At 21, it was confusing to me. Now, I look, admire and move on. It really doesn't mean anything that a beautiful girl just walked by me, other than I got the treat of seeing some eye candy.
posted by grumblebee at 6:10 AM on May 13

Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 07.12.1999, via QuoteGeek
posted by alms at 6:12 AM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

Why do I check out other girls?

Girlwatching with the wife is one of the minor pleasures of marriage.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:12 AM on May 13 [4 favorites has favorites]

It is normal to be attracted to other women. Ask any man alive that is married if they find Megan Fox attractive. Attraction to whatever you like is normal.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:23 AM on May 13

Marge once caught Homer checking out another woman. His response? "Hey, I'm not dead yet."
posted by alzi at 6:27 AM on May 13

They look too.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:27 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

So why can't I only think about her?
Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together?

If you are convinced that it's possible, have made it a conditional requirement for your relationship(s) and feel that you should be perfectly able to find someone out there that could make this work... then sure?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 6:30 AM on May 13

I met my partner of 6 years when he was 21. I was 24. I told him that I didn't know if I could commit to a monogamous relationship because I was still discovering a lot of things about myself, but we agreed to proceed with caution and see what we could make of the situation, and I pledged not to see anyone else during this phase so that we would have an unobstructed view of what life would be like together.

Now I'm 30 and he's 27. Comments like "You're 21. It's highly unlikely you know what love is" are patronizing, because the only way you find out what love is is by being in love. And doing all of the negotiating, compromising, and exploring that comes along with it.

You sound like just a regular dude to me, it doesn't sound like you're really suited for or looking for any sort of polyamorous situation. I found that I didn't lose my young-single-male "hunting" instincts until I'd been with my partner for a couple of years -- back then I was fully aware of each person who entered the room or got on the subway, and had a constant sly eye for gauging attraction and interest. Even after I got into a relationship I couldn't imagine that would change -- I'd been like that as long as I was an adult. But now that M.O. seems totally foreign to me, even though we are in an open relationship and I can see other people if I want to. I've grown up, and you probably will too.

I venture that you should stay together and see what happens. Just get through the summer. If that goes well, get through the fall. And so forth.
posted by hermitosis at 6:48 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21?

It has everything to do with the fact that you're a human male.

Don't tell her you check out other girls, don't be obvious about it, and don't obsess. Be true to your girl and don't worry about this.
posted by General Tonic at 6:58 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Mind you, I could never bring myself to truly betray her and cheat on her.

There's your answer right there. Fidelity doesn't mean forgetting that other women exist. It means making a point of choosing your partner over those other women. Sounds like you're doing that already.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:04 AM on May 13 [3 favorites has favorites]

The Girls in Their Summer Dresses.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:19 AM on May 13 [5 favorites has favorites]

I'm married, and I love my SO, and have since I was 21, and he 19 (so 11 years this summer - we so old). But it doesn't mean that either of us are blind, and don't continue to be aware (and appreciative) of other attractive people.

Some people are more naturally monogamous than other people; there is some psychology research on this, but I don't know where (the boy found). We're both fairly naturally monogamous, though he is more so than I am. Some people are more naturally polyamorous, that is, more interested in pursuing more than one sexual relationship at at time; though this goes against our social norms, it can work when there is openness and acceptance with all of their partners.

But whatever your personal inclinations (and social mores, which do matter), it sounds like you are just worried about being aware of other people. But this is perfectly normal even for very monogamous people, and shouldn't stress your relationship unless you are tempted to do more than appreciate the other person's attractiveness.

Does your girlfriend notice? Is she bothered by it? It could be that she worries about her own attractiveness to you, something which is easily countered by telling her how awesome she is, and how pretty/hot/beautiful she is. No matter how long you've been with someone, this never gets stale. I mean, you can say it multiple times a day, and every time is just a great as the last.
posted by jb at 7:25 AM on May 13

This is a big non-issue. If you find yourself cheating on your girlfriend, then you have a problem. If some hot lady walks by and you're all, "damn that lady was hot yo," and then proceed to continue with your life, I think you'll be fine.
posted by chunking express at 7:26 AM on May 13

Perfectly normal behaviour and it probably will stay like this for the rest of your life. The good news is that your girlfriend probably also checks out the very same girls you are looking at. In my experience girls even check out other girls (probably for having a look at possible competition) more than boys do.
posted by jfricke at 7:41 AM on May 13

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21?"

"It has everything to do with the fact that you're a human male."

Fixed that for you. 90% of girls check out boys because they find them sexy. Girls also check out girls, even if they're not in the 10%-20% of girls who find other girls sexy, because girls are interesting to look at.

So, OP, your girlfriend is almost certainly checking out lots more people than you are and not feeling a bit guilty about it.

On the other hand, since you haven't noticed it, she's probably doing it subtly, not leering like Benny Hill. Leering is rude; noticing is human.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:05 AM on May 13 [5 favorites has favorites]

Speaking as a woman in a monogamous relationship... dude, you're fine. Don't worry about this.
posted by Nattie at 8:44 AM on May 13

No mention of the Coolidge effect yet?
posted by gimonca at 8:59 AM on May 13

I wouldn't worry about it. You are young and curious, that's all. Once you are experienced enough and have gone through things in life (years to come for that), you will be less distracted by other women if you truely believe that you have found THE one. Check out the talk show by Mike Leykis (online streaming too). He will give you some hints for that.
posted by dy at 9:19 AM on May 13

you will be less distracted by other women if you truely believe that you have found THE one

I disagree with this strongly. I am very very happily married for almost nine years now, and can't imagine finding a better husband, but that has not affected my noticing other attractive people one iota.

I think that this mythology is toxic and leads to the kind of guilt the OP is expressing. Noticing other attractive people does not mean that you're immature, or not happy with your partner, or not really monogamous by nature, or any other blah-blah. It just means that you're noticing the attractiveness of other human beings, which makes you (in my opinion) part of the majority of happily partnered humans.

Also, I don't know who Mike Leykis is, but if he is any relation to Tom Leykis and shares Tom Leykis's idiotic views about male/female relationships, do not waste a nanosecond of your precious life on this moronic nonsense.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:06 AM on May 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

yea, it's not a big deal, just make sure that when you're with her, you're not obviously looking at other women, because that can be very hurtful
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:49 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

Not a problem, unless it's a problem for her. If it is, find someone else.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:58 AM on May 13

yea, it's not a big deal, just make sure that when you're with her, you're not obviously looking at other women, because that can be very hurtful
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:49 PM on May 13 [+] [!]

Or not very hurtful if you look at the other woman, and then tell your SO, "She's pretty, but not as pretty as you." Just keep telling your SO she is the most beautiful person in the world to you. Actually, that's good for everyone to do, male or female, straight or gay.

My SO and I will sometimes say to the other "Tell me I'm pretty/sexy/cute." We call it dynamite-fishing for compliments. And the other complies.
posted by jb at 12:02 PM on May 13

Piling on-- it's not weird to notice other attractive people when you're in a relationship. You have a girlfriend, it's not like you're dead. I'm sure she notices hot guys, but it's not like she's going to say something to you about it, or go after them. You do the same, and all is well.
posted by ishotjr at 5:25 PM on May 13