Don't wanna have sex, he does, what to do?

May 12, 2009 6:35 PM

My SO wants to have sex, I am not ready. Past reasons included I don't think I will be ready for years. What should I do before I lose this wonderful man?

I'm still card carrying member of the V-club. My wonderful significant other wants our relationship to be more physical. I am naturally not a very affection person. We have an engaging, dynamic, warm and loyal relationship. We've been friends before we started dating and I love this man. However, I am not prepared to have sex with him. I've had a past marked by abuse and mental health issues and I am now just coming to terms with being a functioning human being.

I want to be with him, but the more time passes the our arguments about sex turn into resentful periods of silences and frustration. We've been dating for almost a year I love him, but I fear that if "his needs" aren't met we will have no choice but to part ways.

What to do? What to do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 comments total)

Quite simply, you need to get counseling and try to put your past behind you.
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:37 PM on May 12 [19 favorites has favorites]

Bring him along too. I don't think you're going to get a better answer than sonic meat's.
posted by xammerboy at 6:39 PM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

Yeah. Sonic's got it.
posted by Industrial PhD at 6:39 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Congratulations on working through your past and coming out the other side.

Unfortunately, you and your partner are not compatible sexually. Physical intimacy is widely regarded as a bedrock for a healthy relationship. There are limited options here. Either one of you will have to get comfortable with the desires of the other (I'm not advocating either side!) or you will part ways.

In either situation, you need to talk about it frankly and honestly and try not to argue. Sonic's advice about counseling is also an excellent idea.
posted by purephase at 6:52 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Counseling is definitely appropriate here.

But...your sexuality is your own and no one has a right it except you. When you decide to enter that arena is your decision. If you're not ready, don't have sex.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:54 PM on May 12 [12 favorites has favorites]

I think a huge part of this depends on how old you are. I'd give you a very different answer depending on whether you are 18 or 28. If you're closer to 18, I say take your time. If you're closer to 28, and you don't have an ethical/religious/moral argument against premarital sex, I think you're probably working from fear. Either way, though, I definitely think that counseling is in order, simply because you say "I want to be with him," and I'm assuming that you mean that you want to be with him physically. It makes sense that your history would lead you to take things slowly, and you should absolutely protect your mental health. However, avoiding sexuality can be a way to avoid dealing with your past trauma. Don't rush yourself into anything, but also be wary of stunting your emotional (and physical) development in order to avoid dealing with that trauma.

Also, as much as sexual frustration can be, well, horribly frustrating, I'd suggest that you consider that someone who reacts to your reticence with "resentful periods of silences and frustration" might not be the most ideally supportive partner for you right now, while you deal with healing.
posted by amelioration at 6:55 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

Counseling, with him. People are going to say DTMFA, but honestly sex and other physical intimacy is a big part of adult relationships. If you're not ready for it, don't bait him along. If you want to be with him, the best thing to do is at least show him you're willing to try to get help. So, counseling.
posted by InsanePenguin at 6:55 PM on May 12

Your body is your own. So is your mind. If you genuinely feel you are not ready for sex, you are not obligated to have sex.

But don't for a second think that he's obligated to stick around while you wait to be ready (When?). He's not obligated to wait for you, any more than you are obligated to have sex.

If you are past sixteen, nearly a year of waiting is reaching the far end of the bell curve. Years? Huge outlier. Recognize it. So, even if you do go to a therapist, realize that we often have to do things for which we are not ready if we want something else badly enough. That's the tough, adult part.
posted by adipocere at 7:08 PM on May 12 [25 favorites has favorites]

I'd suggest that you consider that someone who reacts to your reticence with "resentful periods of silences and frustration" might not be the most ideally supportive partner for you right now, while you deal with healing.

Yes, but presumably anonymous wants an adult romantic relationship, and adult romantic relationships can reasonably be expected to include sex these days. It's not as if he is being accused of relentlessly haranguing her about sex.
posted by jayder at 7:09 PM on May 12 [5 favorites has favorites]

And what adipocere said.
posted by jayder at 7:10 PM on May 12

What should I do before I lose this wonderful man?

If he's putting that much pressure on you, he's not going to be satiated by anything less than you putting out. He's running out of patience and he's going to walk. He might be receptive to hearing that you want to go to counseling, but only in the desperate, naive hope that it means you'll soon be ready to have sex. And you'll then be back to this point in a couple weeks.

If you're absolutely not ready, you might as well break up with him. Because you're in for maybe a couple of months of exasperated nagging from him until one of you dumps the other.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:12 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

You're not ready, so that pretty much settles it and that's ok.

That said, there's a lot of questions to ask. Does he know about your past and if so does he know all the details? Saying "I was abused" and "I was abused from the age of three 'till 12 by two family members" are vastly different and may affect his perception of the situation. Did you explicitly tell you before beginning of the relationship that you wouldn't be ready for sex? What did he say? Have ever had therapy to deal with your past? Are you in therapy now?

Assuming that you're not in therapy (and that's a big assumption) and started therapy tomorrow with the best therapist in the world, it would probably still be a considerable amount of time before you're ready. And that's ok.

Yes, he's wonderful man, but that doesn't mean it's meant to be or will work out. You've got stuff to work out, so concentrate on that. Make the ending amicable as possible so the door is left open for future possibilities and then get to work on yourself.

Other options to consider:
Would him having sex outside of the relationship be ok?

Is sex completely out or are there things you're willing to consider, such as mutual masturbation, dry humping, just oral sex or giving him handjobs? Sex doesn't have to be of the penetrative vaginal variety. So perhaps there's something else, a sort of sex-lite, you might be willing to try.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:16 PM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

You should be open with him about how you feel. A year is a while to go waiting (that being very relative, if you're late teens or whatever it's far more understandable), but if your plan is to not be physically intimate with him for several more years, I hope that's made very clear to him.
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 7:26 PM on May 12

That's not to say that relationships are all about sex, and that post might look that way, and I'm sorry about that.
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 7:27 PM on May 12

How long have you been together? I think in order to know what's up here we need to know how long this guy's been hanging tough...
posted by hermitosis at 7:40 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

You absolutely don't have to have sex if you don't want to. He absolutely doesn't have to stay in a relationship that doesn't involve sex.

Your options: Find someone sexually compatible with you. Stay with your boyfriend and let him have sex outside the relationship. Stay with your boyfriend and enter counseling together to deal with both of your sexual needs/non-needs. Which one feels best? Good luck.
posted by meerkatty at 7:45 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

I second the other posters who say both that it's up to you, obviously, and that if you're beyond your teens, you're unlikely to find someone who wants to wait years before having sex with you.

With the caveat that I don't know the details about your past, I would urge you to think about what's so singularly daunting about vaginal sex. It might help you to try to de-fetishize vaginal sex and virginity -- as if there's some bridge you're crossing and can never go back, as opposed to trying it out, seeing if you like it. I say this because you're not saying, in your question, "I don't like sex," but "I'm not willing to try sex." Again, maybe it's connected to some trauma in your past, in which case: more, or better, therapy, and time, and patience.
posted by palliser at 8:16 PM on May 12

"Realize that we often have to do things for which we are not ready if we want something else badly enough." To that, I would counter having sex before you're ready, especially if there's some trauma in your background, could seriously backfire and turn you completely off of any future sex. I vote for more open discussion and counseling, preferably with a therapist who realizes that we can overcome our histories (some therapists I met didn't seem to believe that). And "sex lite" is a good way to ease into things.
posted by PatoPata at 8:20 PM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

realize that we often have to do things for which we are not ready if we want something else badly enough. That's the tough, adult part.

I agree that in general, it's important to weigh trade-offs, but I'm not sure how well this advice applies to a maybe-sexually-traumatized person having sex. It could actually set back the cause of healing to rush things -- so that if she waited a little more, and got some better counseling in the meantime, she could end up fully comfortable with her sexuality sooner. If she can wrap her mind around sex in a way that makes her feel ready, that's one thing, but I wouldn't tell her she should go ahead and have sex in order to keep her boyfriend, even if she's not ready.
posted by palliser at 8:22 PM on May 12

Listen to Patopata, clearly a genius.
posted by palliser at 8:23 PM on May 12

My instinct is that if you don't want to have sex, probably you don't want to be in the relationship. It sounds like you've already decided it's over, to me. Obviously talking with friends or therapist or family to make sure you are clear about these things is a healthy complement to conversations with yourself, metafilter, and your partner.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 8:31 PM on May 12

First off, consider the fact that you do not want to have sex may have something specifically to do with him. He probably partially feels rejected because of this, no matter what your rationale, also.

Second, due to your past, I would say that perhaps you are not ready to have an intimate relationship and your lack of sexual interest is probably a sign of that. It's nice to have a best friend who is always there, listens to you and you can snuggle up to, but that is not necessarily intimacy. Think about how vulnerable you are with your boyfriend, how much you have let him in. There's a good chance that there's a wall.

Third, I would recommend breaking it off for your sake. It seems that you still have healing to do, and dealing with someone else's needs should not be on the top of your priority list.

And finally, sex is as big of a deal as you make it. Consider that there are women who have been sexually abused that go on to have happy and healthy sexual lives. Therapy might help, but perspective is also important. Not all men are the same, not all situations are the same. You have the choice to proceed with your life as you want, because no matter what happened in the past, you are in control now. Do what makes you feel happy.
posted by anniek at 8:55 PM on May 12

I don’t think a year is a long time to wait, especially for someone who has been abused. His desire for sex should not override your mental health. Periods of silence and frustration are signs of passive aggressive behavior. I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to feel desire for sex when her partner is behaving in a passive aggressive manner.

Are you able to communicate your feelings to him? It’s possible that he thinks you are rejecting him and he might feel hurt over the rejection. I think you should try to convey your fears and hopefully he will be able to empathize. If he continues his passive aggressive behavior, it might be better to leave the relationship.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:38 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

When you're in AA, they say you shouldn't be in a relationship. Working on yourself is difficult enough. If you aren't ready to have sex with someone you've been with for a year, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship. Break up with him and go figure out how to be a happy, healthy and functioning adult. That includes having sex. When you're ready to sleep with someone, then you're ready to be in a relationship.

The alternative is that you find someone just as hung up as you who doesn't want to have sex either, and you can both be dysfunctional together, although that's like putting a band-aid on a gunshot.
posted by incessant at 9:41 PM on May 12

I'm going to chime in my agreement with the folks saying that you shouldn't have sex if you don't feel you are ready but that you may have to accept that your SO won't want to stay in the relationship under those circumstances. And that there isn't anything unreasonable about either of those things.

If you are an adult hoping to be in an adult relationship, aren't ready for sex and have no idea how long it will be until you are, you absolutely need to be in therapy. Physical intimacy is a vital part of healthy adult romantic relationships. If you aren't ready for physical intimacy then you aren't ready for a healthy adult relationship. Again, there isn't anything wrong with that but neither is there anything wrong with your SO if he is unwilling to wait years for you.

(caveat: if you are like 16 years old or something then scratch all the above).
posted by Justinian at 10:05 PM on May 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm not sure why "periods of silence and frustration" has to be passive-aggressive behavior. It could be that he's just frustrated and doesn't feel like talking about it again. It doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to make you feel bad.

That said, you are probably going to lose this guy, because even if you give in, your heart won't be in it and it won't be any fun. Nobody likes to feel like an asshole date rapist. (Well, normal people anyway.) He's going to want to (and deserves to, it sounds like) be in a relationship with someone who is attracted to him instead of feeling rejected and shut out and loved only 90%. I've been in his place. Eventually the good parts can't make up for that anymore.
posted by ctmf at 10:09 PM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

If you don't want to that's your right. No question there.

Nthing get some couples therapy, but if, afterwards, you both still feel the same, do the adult thing and break up with him. If he wants to have sex with the woman he loves then he deserves to be with a woman who actually wants sex as well. But it's unfair in the extreme to not acknowledge your partner's needs. (And I didn't use the condescending quotes like you because I believe sexual desires to be-for most people- part and parcel of being an adult. His needs are real and legitimate).

And this is advanced, post-graduate level relationship advice, but I'll throw it out here anyway; is your boyfriend interested in having sex with other women? If you are ok with that (and most people aren't), then perhaps you can work out an open relationship, or at least some free passes every now and then for him.
posted by zardoz at 11:50 PM on May 12

Assuming you're an adult:
You're not ready to be in an adult romantic relationship.

If he's waited this long, then the best option is that you part ways, under the understanding that you are parting ways for reasons that may be resolved in the future - you may one day have that second chance.

In the meantime, work on yourself, and see what needs can be met through friendships. I'd include working on being physically affectionate (ie hugging) with friends.
Don't advertise yourself as ready for a romantic relationship if that's not what you can do at the moment. Honestly, it will save you stress, without another person hanging over you who you are afraid of 'disappointing' it will probably make it easier to work through this yourself.
posted by Elysum at 11:55 PM on May 12 [3 favorites has favorites]

Pretty much parroting what everyone else has said, but another thing to consider... depending on your ages, he may also be thinking of the potential to have a family. For a lot of people that is a long-term relationship dealbreaker, and if you currently don't want to have sex, and don't plan on it for years at the minimum, he may be starting to worry about if he will ever be a parent if he stays with you.

Sex is, plain and simple, a normal part of any adult relationship. Even religious folks who want to wait until marriage to have sex do eventually get married and have sex. (and from what I've seen of those couples, a lot would already be talking about getting engaged after a year together if not already planning a wedding) Constantly feeling pressured to go beyond your comfort zone isn't fair to you, but being in an incomplete relationship isn't fair to him. Honestly, if he's lasted a year the guy has the patience of a saint. Most folks I know wouldn't have lasted a month in a celibate relationship. You don't want to belittle the sacrifice he's made for you by portraying his need for a physical relationship as trivial.

I know other people have discussed open relationships, but if you already have issues with trust regarding sexual behavior, it seems like that may just make it even more difficult for you to cope. I would worry that if you're not already mentally wired to be accepting of open relationships it will just add a whole new layer to your problems.

It really does seem like the best option would be to split up now, so you can get some professional help. You need to be able to focus on making yourself healthy, and feeling like you're rushing through it to keep the peace at home won't lead to long term results. If so, you may be able to try and make things work again in the future, with him or someone else. Otherwise, you'll end up just getting more resentful towards each other until it ends on a bad note with no chance for reconciliation. And a harsh breakup may also be more detrimental to your mental state.
posted by Kellydamnit at 12:32 AM on May 13

I'd say have a frank discussion with him about where you are, and where you're both going.

You could both commit to sessions with a counsellor who is also a sex therapist. Maybe his part of the bargain is to manage the frustrations and accept where you are at the moment, however possibly your part of the bargain is to keep actively working towards a point when you can do the deed with the therapist. Maybe it'd be sooner than you think?
posted by Not Supplied at 2:37 AM on May 13

I'd say break up now amicably with the idea that you might get back together. If you don't, you'll almost surely ruin the relationship. If you do, you've good odd of winning him back later.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:54 AM on May 13

If you love him, you don't necessarily need to have sex with him rightthisminute, but you do need to indicate that you're working on overcoming your issues by getting into therapy and probably bringing him along. You have a right to wait until you're ready, but since you have admitted you have issues, I think you should commit to working through them. Then he can decide whether he's willing to wait while you actually do that work--I certainly don't think he's obligated to hang around while you're not making an effort.

Good luck. These are big hurdles to overcome, but I think they'll be worth it for you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:47 AM on May 13

If you can't get counseling to get the past behind you then it isn't fair for you to keep seeing him. Either that, or as Dan Savage says, you have to let him get his rocks off elsewhere.
posted by JJ86 at 6:49 AM on May 13

A relationship without sex is either A - just a friendship and it is not fair to hold him or yourself back from seeing other people if you just best friends or B - Not a long term thing. I feel by not having sex with him you are silently saying I'm sorry but I don't see a future with you or you are not special enough to sleep with. He obviously loves you. Guys do go without sex for a year but they are normally single. A guy to go without sex for a year that is in a committed relationship is kind of strange for this day and age. Personally not to sound like a jerk but if I was with someone who said they loved me and did not sleep with me after about 2-3 months I would have started having serious doubts. If you see a future with him but still afraid of sex then you should talk to someone or talk to him about it. Be open and honest you love him and he loves you. Communicating your problems or hold ups is the key to solving any problems.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:18 AM on May 13

"Someone who has experienced a shattering sexual trauma—rape, abuse, a world-class betrayal—has to make a good-faith effort to put the pieces back together again before entering into a new sexual and/or romantic relationship. We all have a right to expect emotional support from our partners, but our partners have a right to expect that we will be able to meet their reasonable sexual needs."

You are not obligated to have sex with this man before you are ready. You do, however, owe it to yourself and any potential partners to get your life together before you share it with someone else.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:41 AM on May 13 [5 favorites has favorites]

With the caveat that I don't know the details about your past, I would urge you to think about what's so singularly daunting about vaginal sex.

She didn't say that the issue was limited to vaginal intercourse; she may well have issues about sex in general, and all forms of sexual intimacy.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:08 AM on May 13

sonic meat machine started out right from the beginning with the best answer. I wish we knew from your question if you were in counseling already.

Because if you have been abused, and you aren't in counseling, and you can't bring yourself to be physically intimate with another person, then you are not only sabotaging this relationship but any future adult relationship before it even starts.

It's okay that you have issues. It is okay that you need to work through them to be ready for sex. It is not okay to just throw your hands up in the air and say, "I'm not going to have sex" and wait around, thinking you will somehow become ready, without actively working with a therapist who can help you figure out how to progress.

It's not okay because it is not fair to your partner. You are putting him in the position of feeling guilty and resentful just because he wants to have sex with the woman he loves.
posted by misha at 10:42 AM on May 13 [1 favorite has favorites]

This article might be interesting to you.
posted by halogen at 12:40 PM on May 13

It's also important to note that it'll take positive reinforcement and a lot of gentleness and care to change the emotional patterns that are linked to sexuality and intimacy. Which is to say that when you feel ready to start exploring sex, it'll probably be difficult--no matter how much you love (and are attracted to) your partner. It's important that they be willing to explore intimacy with you gradually over a long period of time, and that they be keenly aware of what power dynamics or roles (etc) could be triggering for you.

It's not for me (or anyone here) to say how much you should push yourself past your discomfort, but you might not ever be enthusiastic about sex without FIRST building new patterns that positively reinforce sexual activity with a loving and equal partner, which means using intimacy as part of the healing process rather than something saved for once you're already healed.

This isn't to say that your current partner is necessarily the one to do this with (I have no idea).
posted by soviet sleepover at 3:33 PM on May 13

It's very hard to have a dating/romantic relationship and no sex in this day and age. Unless you date a strict Christian boy (but not marry him, since you will have to put out there), or find someone who's asexual, I think you may just have to go relationship-free and do lots of therapy for awhile if it's going to be "years." Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:17 PM on May 13

It would help if you told us more about the relationship and about both of you (Age, experience etc).
posted by Groovytimes at 6:10 PM on May 13

She didn't say that the issue was limited to vaginal intercourse; she may well have issues about sex in general, and all forms of sexual intimacy.

It was the "card-carrying member of the V Club" comment that made me think she was hanging on to "virginity" in particular, which most people think of as meaning "has never had vaginal intercourse."
posted by palliser at 7:59 PM on May 13

My brother's marriage is currently ending for this very reason. Apparently they both thought these issues would "work themselves out" once they got married. Of course, they didn't. Finally, she's decided to start working through some of these issues with a therapist, but you're right, it could take her (and you) years to do this, and it's not fair to ask anyone to stick around in a platonic relationship with someone who has so much emotional work to do, such that it leaves the two in such very different places. You might want to take some knowledge from them that these issues won't just work themselves out, even if you love each other. The tough decision (to split) is probably best, but whatever you choose, it must work for both of you.
posted by FlyByDay at 6:03 PM on May 14

I don't see any indication in your question that you want to have sex, or that you even want to want to in the future, for any reason involving your own satisfaction. It sounds like you just want to meet his needs so he doesn't leave you.

Contrary to what many people in this thread state, it is not "not adult" or improper or anything bad if you don't want sex. Plenty of people are asexual and they are not broken people. (Well, according to some people who can't think outside the box of their own sexual appetite they are, but they're wrong). Asexual relationships can be plenty romantic, for a version of "romantic" that is admittedly outside the mainstream. Outside the mainstream does not mean invalid.

It's perfectly fine if you don't want a sexual relationship, but the thing is you have to be up front about it and find a similarly asexual person from the start. That way you won't have any stress about not meeting their needs, or pressure to have sex when you aren't ready. Of course it may be difficult to find someone compatible in your area, but at least you can look for what you want.

To the people in this thread who think sex is 100% necessary, I suggest you consider that not everyone has a sexual appetite at all. Some are willing to have sex anyway to keep their partners happy, but many are not. It is possible to be perfectly happy and satisfied without sex.

You may want to have sex in the future, or you may find out that you do not. You are not an inadequate person if it turns out to be the latter.

It bugs me that people assume that everyone is sexual. There may be a reason why someone doesn't want sex, or not, and it may or may not be something they can change, and it may or may not be something they want to change. It's up to them.

But at the heart of it you have to be in a relationship with someone with compatible attitudes, needs, and expectations about sex, otherwise you aren't being fair to yourself or your partner.
posted by marble at 1:59 PM on May 16 [3 favorites has favorites]