How long is too long for a wedding?

May 11, 2009 6:09 PM

So-we decided JUST NOW to get married July 11. That's soon! It is a a little farm B & B and I want it to be fun and relaxing. There will be about 50 of us including 10 or so kids. How long is TOO long for a wedding?

How long is too long for a wedding? I am thinking of evening wedding.

4 to 6:30 bocce for adults, scavenger hunt for kids and just hanging out ( me included-- not hiding or anything until ceremony) (there's a big farmers porch overlooking a big flat lawn under the big old trees so those that dont want to play, etc can relax on the porch or walk and see the animals or walk thru the herb/flower gardens....

7 ceremony

7:30 buffet dinner and a little bit dancing (DJ) (inside)

9-9:30 till when ever- outside roasting marshmallows, sparklers with a guitarist/singer.

Is this way too much??


Bonus question... photographer.. is it possible to hire a good amatuer photographer and just ask for the digital copies from the card for a few hundred dollars??

posted by beccaj to society & culture (18 comments total)

This couple did something similar, a wedding over a weekend, with lots of downtime.
posted by OLechat at 6:15 PM on May 11

That sounds just lovely! Will there be anyone to look after the kids other than their parents? Hiring a babysitter or two to corral the kids and be in charge of games might be nice so their parents can sit back and relax more.

Regarding the photographer: yes, it's possible, but you should make sure you still do all the formalities of a contract stating exactly what you're getting, how much you'll be paying, etc.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:25 PM on May 11

It sounds like the answer will be yes, but...are you flexible for the bocce thing? If people can just show up whenever between 4 to 6:30, then I don't think it would be too much.

I can't remember how much my photographer was, but I think I saved money by just ordering digital copies that he delivered on DVDs.

As for you, the day is going to fly. You are very, very wise to keep it low key, mellow, and celebratory.
posted by motsque at 6:27 PM on May 11

Our wedding was similar. We threw in real fireworks though (made a special trip to chinatown in NYC- you may be close enough to get to NH instead)- they were tons of fun, especially the aggressive morning-glory style sparklers on the dance floor.

Strongly recommend a tent! They are pretty cheap to rent, and can save the day if there's a thunderstorm.

I'd also recommend getting the beer well iced before the ceremony- otherwise, the guests will get into the hard stuff way early (we had people rolling down the hill in their formalwear).

Your timeframe looks good to me- but 7:30 can be late for little ones. You may want to put out a kid's only dinner at 5:00 PM so you don't have to contend with cranky kids during the ceremony.

Congratulations! Backyard weddings are the best.
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:32 PM on May 11

I went to a wedding last summer that lasted a whole weekend. There was partying and bonfires the night before, a long lazy morning with bacon and eggs for breakfast, a ceremony at around 3pm followed by dinner at 5, and then another long evening. There was room on-site for people to stay, plus a campground area where a lot of the younger people set up tents. This particular schedule made sense because the site was a little out of the way; a day trip was pretty much impossible. Once your guests are forced to stay the night, they might as well stay the weekend!

It was a very relaxing wedding mostly because it was very informal. For example, nobody was assigned to cook breakfast; the hosts just stocked the fridge and breakfast kind of happened. The caterers cooked the meal on-site, dinner was at seat-yourself picnic tables, and people wore casual clothes (though most changed into nice clothes just for the ceremony). Also the schedule was loose; there was no feeling of rushing around; there was always plenty of time.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:46 PM on May 11

That doesn't sound like too much at all--especially since it sounds like people can drift in and out as they please at the beginning and end of the evening. It sounds delightful, actually. Regarding your photographer, yes, you can absolutely find what you're asking for. From my limited knowledge you have at least a couple options:

Friends of mine had excellent luck setting up a craigslist ad that said, essentially: "We want to hire a photographer for our wedding, no wedding experience necessary but you must have a website or online portfolio we can view; we'll pay $200 plus gas to/from the venue, and feed you dinner; we'll just want the raw digital images at the end of the event." They got two guys whose day jobs were as photographers' assistants, who just wanted some experience shooting weddings and some extra cash, and they were thrilled with the photos they got. (Some people e-mailed them to ask how dare they offer so little--but clearly there were at least two reasonably talented guys who were willing to take the job.)

My fiance and I hired a woman who is just starting out in wedding photography. Since she's not established on her own or attached to an agency, she charges less than other photographers ($700 for 8 hours) and will just give us the digital images after the wedding. The way we found her was that she had an ad up on craigslist for her services as a wedding photographer that included a link to her site.

Also, you probably have a hobby-photographer in your social circle who may be interested/willing to do it. If you go this route, keep in mind that it's quite a hard job, and be sure to thank them profusely! :)
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:53 PM on May 11

Congratulations, that sounds lovely! Most weddings I've been too go from 3-4pm until the wee hours, so this sounds like a perfect time. I'd love to go to one with a flexible "meet and greet time" and then a firm time for the ceremony.

Again, congratulations!
posted by bensherman at 6:56 PM on May 11

That sounds great. I totally wish any of my friends had thrown a wedding like this! Have a great day!
posted by OolooKitty at 7:02 PM on May 11

Sounds really cool - but if your crowd consists of 20% children, you may want to adjust the ceremony/eating time. Let the little ones be done with the obligatory parts (ceremony and eating) by 7:30. Then the less hellacious kids can go to bed at a decent hour.

To your specific question - sounds like a short wedding, not long at all.
posted by RajahKing at 7:16 PM on May 11

Sounds like an amazing party. I want to go to your wedding just reading about it.
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:34 PM on May 11

July 11th was my grandfather's birthday - a fortuitous day, indeed!! :)

It sounds like a wonderful and lovely day, however, I second the suggestion of having a tent set up. It might be hot and the weather may not necessarily cooperate.

The other thing I suggest is that you might want to have some sort of snackies/appetizers around during the scavenger hunt, especially for the kids, if you're not going to serve dinner till 7:30ish.

As far as the photographer goes, have you looked around on Craiglist or posted at one of the area art schools? I bet you'd find a college kid that would be interested in doing a photo shoot for you for a few hundred bucks plus some beer at the end of the night.
posted by dancinglamb at 7:41 PM on May 11

What you want to avoid is long mandatory stuff. Keep the ceremony short. Don't spend forever doing obligatory reception stuff: you don't want a bajillion toasts, or some long drawn out to-do about the bouquet toss — just throw the fucker and be done with it.

But a long, relaxed day full of free-form hanging out for those who want it sounds lovely.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:58 PM on May 11

I was a wedding DJ for 13 years and I think your plan sounds just fine. For a typical by the book ceremony and reception, we tried to get the couples to limit the reception to 4 hours (5 max) from when they entered the place (after ceremony, pics, etc). Yours sounds wonderful and low stress. Congratulations!!
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For those planning traditional weddings, there's nothing worse than having a great reception and then watching it peter out with 3 kids left dancing as people straggle out. End on a bang with a great song (Last Dance, Donna Summer!) and a clear finish and exit by the bride and groom. And I don't care if you think your bridal party are the biggest partiers and it should go all night and you are hiring your DJ for 7 hours or more, it will fizzle. Keep it defined, end with a bang, find a nice restaurant for an after party (my wife and I walked into the local brewery at midnight in full dress - they kept it open 2 more hours for our after party and made some good money, it was a blast!)
posted by Chuck Cheeze at 8:30 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]

As far as hiring a photographers, the difference between hiring a hobby photographer and a wedding photographer is experience. As a commercial photographer, a few of my clients have asked me to photograph their weddings- even as a very experienced photographer, doing a good job at wedding photography isn't easy. When it came to my wedding I didn't think twice about spending the money on hiring a great professional to shoot the event.

In my experience as a wedding photographer, only about one in every seven or eight shots was a "keeper." If you hire a pro, you'll have more keepers of your wedding- pros know the moments to look for or the situations to set up that will create the amazing photographs you'll cherish forever. A good photographer can take a set-up/"posed" situation and make it look candid and natural- I guarantee that with an amateur, you will only get these by luck- with a pro you're guaranteed to get them. Pros know how to take the average lighting and average environment that all weddings take place in, and make the photos look better than you remember it. This is what you're paying for when you hire a pro. If you hire a talented photographer, you're not just paying someone to provide a service, you're commissioning an artist to create unique works of art out of your wedding day.

Some people see wedding photographers as overpaid because they charge so much for a few hours at a wedding. You're not just paying for them to be at your wedding. You're paying for the time that a photographer spends cleaning/checking their gear before your wedding, you're paying them to organize a portrait session during your event, and you're paying them to spend the time in Photoshop to make your photos look good. For the weddings that I have photographed, I spent at least 3x as long in Photoshop as I did at the wedding. If you're asking for files at the end of the wedding day, I'd recommend giving the photographer 2-3 weeks to work on the files.

If you're going to have a non-pro shoot your wedding, at least pick someone that has done it once or twice before. If you're going to have a pro shoot you wedding, check their references and make sure you pick someone you get along with. The work you put into choosing a photographer will be directly proportional to the quality you get out. This makes the difference between pictures of your wedding and photographs of your wedding.

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Yeah, this is a personal subject for me... but now that I'm done with my personal plea for better photography in the world, nthing ocherdraco, I have ONE HUGE PIECE OF ADVICE:

Get a detailed, written contract from your photographer.
Sign it, have the photographer sign it, and you both should have a copy. It should cover what and when you're going to pay, what you get, and when you get it. It should also cover what happens if a photographer fails to show up. (Most pro photographers will guarantee that if they can't show up due to some crazy situation that arises a capable photographer will show up in their place. Pros have pro friends and can guarantee this)

The best way to evaluate a pro photographer is to ask to see a sample contract.
posted by mintymike at 9:36 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]

It all sounds like you're planning the kind of wedding I'd love to attend.

...except for the photographer thing.

Ask yourself if you can live with the potential of receiving zero pictures taken by this amateur photographer, because it's always out there. Admittedly, odds of a total wipeout are not high, but I think you really roll the dice if you do this.

For better or for worse, there are quite a few low end wedding photographers around. If nothing else, you can interview some, see samples, and call references. If nothing else, you can achieve hopefully some level of confidence that you'll have results.

Speaking as a professional photographer who does not shoot weddings, I'd also advise you to interview and see the work of a couple of good mid to high end professional wedding shooters too. That way you'll know what you probably won't be getting and will have a basis for comparison.

mintymike's advice above is all good too. Especially the contact part.
posted by imjustsaying at 2:12 AM on May 12

We went to a similar wedding (many years ago)-- 50 or so close friends and family, lots of kids, small town retreat center. It lasted 3 days and it was the best wedding I ever went to (actual ceremony less than an hour).
posted by nax at 5:39 AM on May 12

I was in a wedding like this last year, at a farm in Vermont. Very laid back, short ceremony, lots of hanging out time. They hired a photojournalist from the local paper to take pictures (she gave them the digital files on a CD) and they turned out great. It was a wonderful wedding and the guests had a great time.
posted by ahdeeda at 11:28 AM on May 12

I'm not looking to start a food fight with the pros here, and indeed my fiance and I hired a professional photographer with wedding experience (albeit a year's worth, not 20) because we weren't quite brave enough to hire a photographer without wedding experience. But I hated getting the same advice being expressed here, that we should pony up for a professional because if we hire the wrong non-pro we will regret it for the rest of our lives... our precious memories lost for all time... Please. If we hire the wrong pro we'll regret it, too. One of the things I noticed in evaluating our options was that there are a lot of surprisingly tacky, low-to-mid price professional wedding photographers. Sure, they have decades of experience, but their best sample engagement photo involves awkward poses and matching white turtlenecks? No thanks.

My fiance has shot friends' weddings with gorgeous results. Granted, he is a pretty fantastic photographer (if I do say so myself), but he's not a professional. The friends I mentioned upthread love their non-wedding-y photos precisely because they're more "journalistic" than standard wedding photographs. I absolutely see the value of hiring a pro if your wedding venue is a white-walled banquet hall or a big church--something where experience makes a big difference. But if you're having a laid-back, outdoor party? I'm not convinced.

Obviously the best thing to do is to explore the whole range of options available to you, I just don't like the ominous tone of warning one hears in the context of wedding planning. I can't think of a single thing about my wedding where someone from whatever industry didn't chime in and tell me that if I skimped on food/photos/my dress/music/whatever, I'd regret it forever.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:45 AM on May 12