Happy First Mother's Day?
May 11, 2009 12:17 PM Subscribe
My husband didn't do anything for my first mother's day. I'm sad, disappointed, and don't know how to address this with him or if I should.
We're not big on holidays like this --- don't do Valentine's Day, for example, keep Christmas simple --- and I didn't expect or want any big fanfare, but I would have liked a little something especially given the circumstances surrounding our child's birth and that I'm struggling with some PPD and PTSD. Acknowledging it with a cheerful, "Happy Mother's Day!" would have been enough. But he didn't do even that. Part of me feels like I should just let it go since we don't typically celebrate holidays --- but part of me also feels like this one, at least this year, should have been an obvious exception. I don't really know what my question is. Some variation on, "Should I bring it up with him?" "Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?" "What would you have thought if this were you?" "Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
We're not big on holidays like this --- don't do Valentine's Day, for example, keep Christmas simple --- and I didn't expect or want any big fanfare, but I would have liked a little something especially given the circumstances surrounding our child's birth and that I'm struggling with some PPD and PTSD. Acknowledging it with a cheerful, "Happy Mother's Day!" would have been enough. But he didn't do even that. Part of me feels like I should just let it go since we don't typically celebrate holidays --- but part of me also feels like this one, at least this year, should have been an obvious exception. I don't really know what my question is. Some variation on, "Should I bring it up with him?" "Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?" "What would you have thought if this were you?" "Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
Talk to him. He can't know anything is wrong if you don't talk to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [40 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [40 favorites]
gross generalization alert!
Men are remarkably forgetful when it comes to this sort of thing (speaking as one myself) Add that to the fact he probably assumed, having received no other indication from you, that you didn't consider that kind of thing important, and so didn't think twice about it.
Mention it now. Bring it to his attention. Make sure he knows how important it is to you, and remind him of this fact about a month ahead of time next year. Problem solved.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:21 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
Men are remarkably forgetful when it comes to this sort of thing (speaking as one myself) Add that to the fact he probably assumed, having received no other indication from you, that you didn't consider that kind of thing important, and so didn't think twice about it.
Mention it now. Bring it to his attention. Make sure he knows how important it is to you, and remind him of this fact about a month ahead of time next year. Problem solved.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:21 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
You should definitely address it because it bothers you. If you can, I would try and pick a time where you know that you can be civil about it, but do tell him how you feel. Just because you don't "do" a lot of holidays doesn't mean that you don't do any holidays. At the same time, ask him how he feels about father's day, so this doesn't happen again.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2009
Does he help you out around the house? Does he take the kid and give you time alone during the week? Has be been helpful since the baby was born?
If he's done these things, maybe he's celebrated Mother's Day every day, and didn't feel the need to choose a specific day on which to do it.
posted by SNWidget at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [7 favorites]
If he's done these things, maybe he's celebrated Mother's Day every day, and didn't feel the need to choose a specific day on which to do it.
posted by SNWidget at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [7 favorites]
Then again, you'll end up resenting him more if you make a big deal out of Father's Day and he STILL doesn't reciprocate. Not to mention the fact that it's a bit passive-aggressive and at any rate you'd have to stew in your resentment until Mother's Day comes back around.
Just talk to him. Remember, it was his first Mother's Day, too: give him a chance to learn.
posted by thejoshu at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [9 favorites]
Just talk to him. Remember, it was his first Mother's Day, too: give him a chance to learn.
posted by thejoshu at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [9 favorites]
If you don't normally celebrate the hallmark holidays then it's easy to understand why he didn't do anything. You've mentally changed the rules without discussing it with him. You were hoping he would read your mind.
Granted, it would have been cute. However, it was the first one for him as well so two suggestions:
1. Tell him about it
2. Don't do what MorningPerson suggests. That's a game that will not end well.
posted by purephase at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [28 favorites]
Granted, it would have been cute. However, it was the first one for him as well so two suggestions:
1. Tell him about it
2. Don't do what MorningPerson suggests. That's a game that will not end well.
posted by purephase at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2009 [28 favorites]
Some people come from families that don't typically celebrate holidays like Mother's Day and the like. Then they grow up and start interacting with people who expect remembrances on those days. We appreciate when someone points out that they were hurt by our ignorance, if it's done tactfully.
posted by muddgirl at 12:25 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by muddgirl at 12:25 PM on May 11, 2009
I would bring it up with him. "I'm sad. I'm not mad, and I'm not saying you did anything wrong. But this is a thing, and it happened, and now I feel a little sad about it." And then you can talk about it -- and probably, when you get done talking about it, not feel sad anymore?
posted by puckish at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2009 [13 favorites]
posted by puckish at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2009 [13 favorites]
This may sound very strange, but if you want something to happen in a relationship, you will often have to ask for it rather than hope that the other party has deep, penetrating insight in to your psyche that reveals exactly what you want at all times.
For Father's Day, you can apply this principle by asking a question such as: "Hi dear, Father's Day is coming up, do you think we should do something special?". This will allow you to find out your partner's feelings on the issue, creating an opportunity to respond in a way that he'll appreciate. This can help establish a pattern of "communication" that can strengthen the understanding-what-the-other-person-is-thinking bond.
posted by 0xFCAF at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
For Father's Day, you can apply this principle by asking a question such as: "Hi dear, Father's Day is coming up, do you think we should do something special?". This will allow you to find out your partner's feelings on the issue, creating an opportunity to respond in a way that he'll appreciate. This can help establish a pattern of "communication" that can strengthen the understanding-what-the-other-person-is-thinking bond.
posted by 0xFCAF at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
I would tell him EXACTLY how you feel; maybe in an email of you're shy about it. I can almost guarantee he will never forget another Mother's Day. And I am against reminding him about anything like this. Either he thinks these events are important enough to remember or he doesn't. If he doesn't, you have a serious problem.
posted by Brocktoon at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by Brocktoon at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009
It sounds like he made an assumption based on the way both of you have heretofore viewed holidays in general.
The thing with holidays, this type in particular where the recognition is ostensibly tied to how much you are loved, is that most people are not mind readers and they do not know how you would like to have their love expressed.
I don't waste time letting people wonder how to handle holidays. This year I told my husband and kids what I wanted for breakfast and helped them make a shopping list for it. But there are more subtle things, like "Hey, for Mother's Day this Sunday, can we just snuggle up and watch movies all day?" that tell the listener "There is a thing called Mother's Day, it takes place on Sunday, and while you are mostly off the hook for it, you do not have an excuse for not giving it some kind of recognition".
It's too late now, obviously, but really: Just tell him it made you sad. Tell him you know you guys don't usually celebrate this stuff but that for some reason, you would have liked that special recognition. Then ask him if you can have half of Father's Day to call it even :)
posted by padraigin at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
The thing with holidays, this type in particular where the recognition is ostensibly tied to how much you are loved, is that most people are not mind readers and they do not know how you would like to have their love expressed.
I don't waste time letting people wonder how to handle holidays. This year I told my husband and kids what I wanted for breakfast and helped them make a shopping list for it. But there are more subtle things, like "Hey, for Mother's Day this Sunday, can we just snuggle up and watch movies all day?" that tell the listener "There is a thing called Mother's Day, it takes place on Sunday, and while you are mostly off the hook for it, you do not have an excuse for not giving it some kind of recognition".
It's too late now, obviously, but really: Just tell him it made you sad. Tell him you know you guys don't usually celebrate this stuff but that for some reason, you would have liked that special recognition. Then ask him if you can have half of Father's Day to call it even :)
posted by padraigin at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Yes. It depends. Totally bummed. Passive agression is rarely the best option.
Talk to him. Tell him that you're having a hard time with this new Mom stuff. Tell him that you could really use a Mother's Day. Tell him that he can help make it up to you this next Sunday and then brainstorm with him what would make you feel really great that day. Unless he is thoughtless in other ways he'd probably appreciate the direct approach.
posted by amanda at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Talk to him. Tell him that you're having a hard time with this new Mom stuff. Tell him that you could really use a Mother's Day. Tell him that he can help make it up to you this next Sunday and then brainstorm with him what would make you feel really great that day. Unless he is thoughtless in other ways he'd probably appreciate the direct approach.
posted by amanda at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Absolutely you should talk to him. If someone else, or any circumstance, made you feel sad or upset this way, you would tell him, yes?
You might want to find a way to approach it that doesn't _blame_ him -- I don't know your husband, but I can imagine my own dude thinking that it wouldn't be important because it's a commercial/fake holiday invented by a greeting card company (he also has had strong positions on "not setting unrealistic gift expectations" and "avoiding family gift escalation" -- my point is that people can have all kinds of unusual things going through their minds).
He may just not have realized that the _act of remembering_ would be the gift of him recognizing your importance in his life and your child's life. He may be someone that will have to go to extraordinary lengths to remember things like this. But either way, he can't make a good judgment of the situation if he doesn't know how you feel, and the sooner you bring it up, the sooner he, or the both of you, can get started working on the problem.
posted by amtho at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009
You might want to find a way to approach it that doesn't _blame_ him -- I don't know your husband, but I can imagine my own dude thinking that it wouldn't be important because it's a commercial/fake holiday invented by a greeting card company (he also has had strong positions on "not setting unrealistic gift expectations" and "avoiding family gift escalation" -- my point is that people can have all kinds of unusual things going through their minds).
He may just not have realized that the _act of remembering_ would be the gift of him recognizing your importance in his life and your child's life. He may be someone that will have to go to extraordinary lengths to remember things like this. But either way, he can't make a good judgment of the situation if he doesn't know how you feel, and the sooner you bring it up, the sooner he, or the both of you, can get started working on the problem.
posted by amtho at 12:27 PM on May 11, 2009
Does he help you out around the house? Does he take the kid and give you time alone during the week? Has be been helpful since the baby was born? If he's done these things, maybe he's celebrated Mother's Day every day,
Fulfilling your basic obligations as a father is "celebrating Mother's Day every day"?
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 12:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [58 favorites]
Fulfilling your basic obligations as a father is "celebrating Mother's Day every day"?
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 12:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [58 favorites]
Yeah, guys forget or don't know that it's important to you unless you tell him. Since you two aren't big on holidays any way, how could he have known?
Here's the deal. Guys can't forget or blow off birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, Christmas, etc. when you constantly remind them. I don't even give my husband the chance to fail. I let him know well in advance that Mother's Day is coming up, or my birthday and I drop really really obvious hints as to what he could consider getting for me ("hey honey, here's my Amazon wish list!") with the aside that he doesn't have to get what I've requested - that he could venture out on his own and figure something out.
Next time, don't give him the chance to fail. Talk to him about and remind him - constantly - like make an advent calendar and count down the days together.
Tell him now that you wished he did something for Mother's Day. Give him the chance to make it up to you. Have your Mother's Day this Sunday, instead (flowers will be cheaper besides). And for next year - when the time comes closer, start reminding him - and especially remind him the day before in case he did forget.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:29 PM on May 11, 2009
Here's the deal. Guys can't forget or blow off birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, Christmas, etc. when you constantly remind them. I don't even give my husband the chance to fail. I let him know well in advance that Mother's Day is coming up, or my birthday and I drop really really obvious hints as to what he could consider getting for me ("hey honey, here's my Amazon wish list!") with the aside that he doesn't have to get what I've requested - that he could venture out on his own and figure something out.
Next time, don't give him the chance to fail. Talk to him about and remind him - constantly - like make an advent calendar and count down the days together.
Tell him now that you wished he did something for Mother's Day. Give him the chance to make it up to you. Have your Mother's Day this Sunday, instead (flowers will be cheaper besides). And for next year - when the time comes closer, start reminding him - and especially remind him the day before in case he did forget.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:29 PM on May 11, 2009
wait, Mother's Day was ever for spouses? Everywhere I've been, it's for your mother.
posted by scruss at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2009 [19 favorites]
posted by scruss at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2009 [19 favorites]
He's not going to read your mind. If you don't do holidays in general, and you didn't tell him in advance, there's nothing obvious about this exception.
You should tell him, but not in a you-let-me-down sort of way; more in a heads-up-for-next-time way.
posted by willpie at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2009
You should tell him, but not in a you-let-me-down sort of way; more in a heads-up-for-next-time way.
posted by willpie at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2009
You should definitely talk to him about it. Here are some very real possibilities:
1. Mother's Day wasn't a big deal in his household growing up. This happens a lot, especially when looking to the father figure - Dad doesn't do anything, the kids maybe bring back a present made at school.
2. You don't generally celebrate holidays, and Valentines Day is the big flag there for me. Even couples who aren't very "holiday" do something for Valentines. With that as a background, it is completely understandable that he wouldn't know to do anything. Combined with the "Mother's Day is presents from the kids", I'd say that might be your answer. "Should be an obvious exception" is obvious to you, and he can't read your mind.
Moving forward:
3. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't overdo Father's Day to show him up. It solves nothing, and most likely makes things worse.
4. Bring it up in a non-judgmental way. Something to the effect of "Hey honey, I know we don't really do the holiday thing, but it's been a tough first year as a new mom; do you think we could start doing Mother's and Father's Day as a tradition for -Child's Name Here-? It's something that would make me feel good."
posted by shinynewnick at 12:32 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
1. Mother's Day wasn't a big deal in his household growing up. This happens a lot, especially when looking to the father figure - Dad doesn't do anything, the kids maybe bring back a present made at school.
2. You don't generally celebrate holidays, and Valentines Day is the big flag there for me. Even couples who aren't very "holiday" do something for Valentines. With that as a background, it is completely understandable that he wouldn't know to do anything. Combined with the "Mother's Day is presents from the kids", I'd say that might be your answer. "Should be an obvious exception" is obvious to you, and he can't read your mind.
Moving forward:
3. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't overdo Father's Day to show him up. It solves nothing, and most likely makes things worse.
4. Bring it up in a non-judgmental way. Something to the effect of "Hey honey, I know we don't really do the holiday thing, but it's been a tough first year as a new mom; do you think we could start doing Mother's and Father's Day as a tradition for -Child's Name Here-? It's something that would make me feel good."
posted by shinynewnick at 12:32 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
Fulfilling your basic obligations as a father is "celebrating Mother's Day every day"?
Sorry if I didn't make my anology well. It's like this - I don't celebrate Valentine's Day with my fiancee, but I do little nice things for her throughout the year. I don't think that a specific day needs to be set aside to celebrate how much I love her.
Mother's Day, I thought (and this is how it is, at least in my house), is where you do nice things for your Mom, give her a chance to relax, take her out to brunch, show her how much you appreciate her, etc etc.
OP has said that they have this type of understanding for other holidays - I'm just wondering that if he was doing things like this for her throughout the year, that he didn't think that the single day, Mother's Day, would be so important.
posted by SNWidget at 12:33 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sorry if I didn't make my anology well. It's like this - I don't celebrate Valentine's Day with my fiancee, but I do little nice things for her throughout the year. I don't think that a specific day needs to be set aside to celebrate how much I love her.
Mother's Day, I thought (and this is how it is, at least in my house), is where you do nice things for your Mom, give her a chance to relax, take her out to brunch, show her how much you appreciate her, etc etc.
OP has said that they have this type of understanding for other holidays - I'm just wondering that if he was doing things like this for her throughout the year, that he didn't think that the single day, Mother's Day, would be so important.
posted by SNWidget at 12:33 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
wait, Mother's Day was ever for spouses? Everywhere I've been, it's for your mother.
When a child is too young to get a gift/do something nice for the parent, the husband/wife fills the role. They are mothers/fathers... afterall.
posted by wordsmith at 12:33 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
When a child is too young to get a gift/do something nice for the parent, the husband/wife fills the role. They are mothers/fathers... afterall.
posted by wordsmith at 12:33 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
should have been an obvious exception
Really? "Obvious" isn't always obvious. This goes double for the fact that you guys skip the "Hallmark" Holidays. You made an assumption - that this was an exception to your usual rule that these holidays don't matter - and now it's made an Ass out of U and Me.
Just tell him. He'll feel bad; it'll be a one-off feeling bad, and then the future will be fine.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Really? "Obvious" isn't always obvious. This goes double for the fact that you guys skip the "Hallmark" Holidays. You made an assumption - that this was an exception to your usual rule that these holidays don't matter - and now it's made an Ass out of U and Me.
Just tell him. He'll feel bad; it'll be a one-off feeling bad, and then the future will be fine.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
OP has said that they have this type of understanding for other holidays - I'm just wondering that if he was doing things like this for her throughout the year, that he didn't think that the single day, Mother's Day, would be so important.
I imagine this was his thinking. It sounds like she didn't expect it to be important to her either.
But it turns out that it was important to her, so she should tell him. Then he can decide how he wants to respond.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009
I imagine this was his thinking. It sounds like she didn't expect it to be important to her either.
But it turns out that it was important to her, so she should tell him. Then he can decide how he wants to respond.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009
It is possible that he view's Mother's Day as a day where children honor their mother. When the child is a bit older, he or she will need some help from Dad, or some reminder a bit later (for quite a number of years). I have, myself, been of the view that this is the point: The kids thank their parents on this day.
Now, I see that these days (count me as "old"), there seems to be the spirit that the population in general wishes all mothers a "Happy Mother's Day." And, frankly, if I were your husband, and you had a new baby, I would have at least wished you a happy day.
Perhaps you could ask him how the day was observed in his childhood. That might spark some interesting conversation.
Of course, he may have been so busy and stressed that he "missed" the day this year. I remember coming home from work after a 15-hour day and meeting my newly pregnant wife on the front steps; and remembering just at that moment, as the clock neared midnight, that it was Valentine's Day. I never forgot Valentine's Day again!
posted by swlabr at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009
Now, I see that these days (count me as "old"), there seems to be the spirit that the population in general wishes all mothers a "Happy Mother's Day." And, frankly, if I were your husband, and you had a new baby, I would have at least wished you a happy day.
Perhaps you could ask him how the day was observed in his childhood. That might spark some interesting conversation.
Of course, he may have been so busy and stressed that he "missed" the day this year. I remember coming home from work after a 15-hour day and meeting my newly pregnant wife on the front steps; and remembering just at that moment, as the clock neared midnight, that it was Valentine's Day. I never forgot Valentine's Day again!
posted by swlabr at 12:39 PM on May 11, 2009
Wanted to say....I'm really *sorry* that this happened on your very first Mother's Day.
My answers are all some variation of: "It's not in your mind" and "If this were me, I'd feel very hurt."
I agree that he won't know that anything is amiss if you don't speak up-- but it's hard. He was inconsiderate and did not treat you as you deserved... you shouldn't HAVE to remind someone that you recently bore him a child, and that it would have felt good to receive a token of recognition on Mother's Day.
My mother once told me about the day I was born- my father was nowhere around (not uncommon in those days) and when he did finally show up at the hospital, he didn't bring her anything. She saw all of the other new mothers in the ward being showered with attention and gifts, "and I had to ask him if he would please bring me some flowers the next day." It had been 30 years, when she told me this story, and the hurt in her voice was still heartbreaking.
So it's unfair, but here you are. He goofed up.
You say that as a couple you don't make a fuss about holidays. I'm curious... is this by MUTUAL consent? Do you both feel that Valentine's Day is no big deal, or does he scoff at the "Hallmark Holiday" while secretly you wish he'd give you the big red velvet heart shaped box of chocolates?
If you are both on the same page, then he might be forgiven for lumping MD in with the other not-observed holidays. If not, then I think you need to talk to him about how you feel about holidays. If they mean something to you, that should not be brushed aside.
Has he acknowledged Mother's Day in the past- does he do anything for his OWN mother? Does the day have bad associations for him? Again, then maybe his actions will seem more understandable.
I agree that the approach of Father's Day gives you an opportunity to address this. I'd feel bad for you, though, having to plan a big elaborate bash in his honor when he didn't give you anything at all.
Maybe you could ask him "Hon, since we didn't do anything special for Mother's Day, then I'm assuming you don't want me to plan anything for Father's Day next month?" and see what he says.
Congratulations on the baby, and I *do* hope you're getting help with the PPD.
PS- Happy Mother's Day!
posted by GuffProof at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
My answers are all some variation of: "It's not in your mind" and "If this were me, I'd feel very hurt."
I agree that he won't know that anything is amiss if you don't speak up-- but it's hard. He was inconsiderate and did not treat you as you deserved... you shouldn't HAVE to remind someone that you recently bore him a child, and that it would have felt good to receive a token of recognition on Mother's Day.
My mother once told me about the day I was born- my father was nowhere around (not uncommon in those days) and when he did finally show up at the hospital, he didn't bring her anything. She saw all of the other new mothers in the ward being showered with attention and gifts, "and I had to ask him if he would please bring me some flowers the next day." It had been 30 years, when she told me this story, and the hurt in her voice was still heartbreaking.
So it's unfair, but here you are. He goofed up.
You say that as a couple you don't make a fuss about holidays. I'm curious... is this by MUTUAL consent? Do you both feel that Valentine's Day is no big deal, or does he scoff at the "Hallmark Holiday" while secretly you wish he'd give you the big red velvet heart shaped box of chocolates?
If you are both on the same page, then he might be forgiven for lumping MD in with the other not-observed holidays. If not, then I think you need to talk to him about how you feel about holidays. If they mean something to you, that should not be brushed aside.
Has he acknowledged Mother's Day in the past- does he do anything for his OWN mother? Does the day have bad associations for him? Again, then maybe his actions will seem more understandable.
I agree that the approach of Father's Day gives you an opportunity to address this. I'd feel bad for you, though, having to plan a big elaborate bash in his honor when he didn't give you anything at all.
Maybe you could ask him "Hon, since we didn't do anything special for Mother's Day, then I'm assuming you don't want me to plan anything for Father's Day next month?" and see what he says.
Congratulations on the baby, and I *do* hope you're getting help with the PPD.
PS- Happy Mother's Day!
posted by GuffProof at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Everyone else has already said the really important stuff: it's understandable given that you guys don't usually make a fuss about holidays, don't be passive aggressive, and tell him that you're sad about it.
But I wanted to add one more thing. Namely, that if your husband is in general sweet and caring -- and you don't suggest that he's not -- I can (almost!!) guarantee that his response will be roughly the following: "oh my gosh, I had no idea (that it was Mother's Day/that you cared/that I was supposed to do something nice for the mother of my child rather than just MY mother).... I'm so sorry.. What can I do to make it up to you?"
Your post sounds so sad and small. Please go talk to him; you'll feel so much better.
posted by kestrel251 at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
But I wanted to add one more thing. Namely, that if your husband is in general sweet and caring -- and you don't suggest that he's not -- I can (almost!!) guarantee that his response will be roughly the following: "oh my gosh, I had no idea (that it was Mother's Day/that you cared/that I was supposed to do something nice for the mother of my child rather than just MY mother).... I'm so sorry.
Your post sounds so sad and small. Please go talk to him; you'll feel so much better.
posted by kestrel251 at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
As a father of two, I'll admit that I didn't think of mother's day the first year. It wasn't that Ms. Quizicalcoatl wasn't special to me or that I didn't think she was a great mother. It's just that it didn't hit me that when we're talking about Mother's Day, that it would mean people like her rather than people like my mom.
Absolutely don't try to see whether he'll notice if you make a big deal out of Father's Day. He won't get it and then, when he doesn't get it, you'll be madder at him than before.
The only way to avoid letting this turn into a resentment is to bring it up with him now in a way that doesn't accuse him of doing some thing "wrong". Just let him know that you'd really get a kick out observing Mother's Day next year.
Just say, "I know we don't do a lot of holiday stuff, but I think it'd be awesome if next year on Mother's Day we did something special." Maybe it would help to tell him that sometimes this whole "parent" thing hardly seems real and that Mother's Day would really bring it home. Then you can ask him if he'd mind or like it if you were to do a Father's Day thing this year.
Good Luck, and Happy Mother's Day!
posted by Quizicalcoatl at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
Absolutely don't try to see whether he'll notice if you make a big deal out of Father's Day. He won't get it and then, when he doesn't get it, you'll be madder at him than before.
The only way to avoid letting this turn into a resentment is to bring it up with him now in a way that doesn't accuse him of doing some thing "wrong". Just let him know that you'd really get a kick out observing Mother's Day next year.
Just say, "I know we don't do a lot of holiday stuff, but I think it'd be awesome if next year on Mother's Day we did something special." Maybe it would help to tell him that sometimes this whole "parent" thing hardly seems real and that Mother's Day would really bring it home. Then you can ask him if he'd mind or like it if you were to do a Father's Day thing this year.
Good Luck, and Happy Mother's Day!
posted by Quizicalcoatl at 12:46 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]
When a child is too young to get a gift/do something nice for the parent, the husband/wife fills the role. They are mothers/fathers... afterall.
Just as a data point this was never true in my family. Mother's Day was something kids did for their moms and not something spouses did for new moms. I'm aware that people have different experiences of how this holiday is celebrated in the US but this was mine and one that I generally observed around me. Not saying it would not have been nice and I agree with people who say you should bring it up tactfully, but there's a difference between bringing it up as "this is how normal people behave" and "this was something I was hoping would happen" and I'd stress the latter rather than the former.
posted by jessamyn at 12:47 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
Just as a data point this was never true in my family. Mother's Day was something kids did for their moms and not something spouses did for new moms. I'm aware that people have different experiences of how this holiday is celebrated in the US but this was mine and one that I generally observed around me. Not saying it would not have been nice and I agree with people who say you should bring it up tactfully, but there's a difference between bringing it up as "this is how normal people behave" and "this was something I was hoping would happen" and I'd stress the latter rather than the former.
posted by jessamyn at 12:47 PM on May 11, 2009 [8 favorites]
"Should I bring it up with him?"
Yes, if it is bothering you.
"Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?"
Well, it's all in our minds -- see other answers as to what you should do with what's in your mind (above) and how I would react if I were you (below).
"What would you have thought if this were you?"
Given what you describe, I think I would be in a forgiving and understanding mode. I mean, if you mutually take a pass on Valentine's Day, it's hardly a situation in which he should be aware that you take arbitrary holidays seriously. It would have been nice, of course.
"Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
If you complain to him about Mother's Day, or want him to behave differently in future iterations, definitely you should. If you want to increase the number of occasions on which you are nice to each other, I would also lean in favor of doing something. I would not refrain just as a tit-for-tat. If he doesn't reciprocate, then you have a beef, or a forgetful dude (also a beef, in form of meathead).
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2009
Yes, if it is bothering you.
"Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?"
Well, it's all in our minds -- see other answers as to what you should do with what's in your mind (above) and how I would react if I were you (below).
"What would you have thought if this were you?"
Given what you describe, I think I would be in a forgiving and understanding mode. I mean, if you mutually take a pass on Valentine's Day, it's hardly a situation in which he should be aware that you take arbitrary holidays seriously. It would have been nice, of course.
"Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
If you complain to him about Mother's Day, or want him to behave differently in future iterations, definitely you should. If you want to increase the number of occasions on which you are nice to each other, I would also lean in favor of doing something. I would not refrain just as a tit-for-tat. If he doesn't reciprocate, then you have a beef, or a forgetful dude (also a beef, in form of meathead).
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2009
Guys can't forget or blow off birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, Christmas, etc. when you constantly remind them. I don't even give my husband the chance to fail. I let him know well in advance that Mother's Day is coming up, or my birthday
I agree with this and other advice that suggested just being blunt about it. It's tough for someone to figure out what's important or not important to someone, even when you're married. Although it would be great if they always did the right thing, in the long run it saves a lot of headaches to just say how you feel and describe what your expectations are.
Also, having a calendar (either physical or online) that you share for keeping track of important events can help with these kinds of issues and even less important things like forgetting about minor events. It can prevent a lot of "You never told me we had plans on such and such day" arguments before they happen.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:49 PM on May 11, 2009
I agree with this and other advice that suggested just being blunt about it. It's tough for someone to figure out what's important or not important to someone, even when you're married. Although it would be great if they always did the right thing, in the long run it saves a lot of headaches to just say how you feel and describe what your expectations are.
Also, having a calendar (either physical or online) that you share for keeping track of important events can help with these kinds of issues and even less important things like forgetting about minor events. It can prevent a lot of "You never told me we had plans on such and such day" arguments before they happen.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:49 PM on May 11, 2009
Mention it now. Bring it to his attention. Make sure he knows how important it is to you, and remind him of this fact about a month ahead of time next year. Problem solved.
Yes, do this. I would do so in a non-accusatory, matter-of-fact way so he doesn't feel too guilty or put on the defensive. Just communicate with him, because what seems obvious to you is anything but to your husband. And I'm sure there are situations where the reverse is true.
For what it's worth, I can imagine I'd feel the same sad let-down that you do. That's why I usually lay the groundwork for my expectations early. I've already announced to my husband that I'd love a facial and massage on Mother's Day, and we don't even have kids yet. Heh. I guess it seems more romantic or loving to not have to say anything, but what can you do. I know via a thousand other ways that I'm loved, yet I still crave these small gestures and acknowledgments. And it's so much easier to say so.
posted by JenMarie at 12:53 PM on May 11, 2009
Yes, do this. I would do so in a non-accusatory, matter-of-fact way so he doesn't feel too guilty or put on the defensive. Just communicate with him, because what seems obvious to you is anything but to your husband. And I'm sure there are situations where the reverse is true.
For what it's worth, I can imagine I'd feel the same sad let-down that you do. That's why I usually lay the groundwork for my expectations early. I've already announced to my husband that I'd love a facial and massage on Mother's Day, and we don't even have kids yet. Heh. I guess it seems more romantic or loving to not have to say anything, but what can you do. I know via a thousand other ways that I'm loved, yet I still crave these small gestures and acknowledgments. And it's so much easier to say so.
posted by JenMarie at 12:53 PM on May 11, 2009
I wonder if he even realized it was Mother's Day? Is it possible that he forgot or didn't even know to begin with?
"Should I bring it up with him?"
Yes. In a non-confrontational way.
"Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?"
It's really that big of a deal....to you. That's what matters, and that's fine.
"What would you have thought if this were you?"
I would be hurt, to tell the truth. You're the mother of his child. Mother's Day is for celebrating Mothers, and you do not have to have given birth to someone to have them celebrate you. It's understandable that you feel a little sad, really. Don't let anyone else make you feel badly about that. We all need to feel valued. If this is important to you, it's important to you!
"Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
Yes, of course. He's the father of your child. Make him feel appreciated, it will make both of you happy.
posted by iconomy at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Should I bring it up with him?"
Yes. In a non-confrontational way.
"Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?"
It's really that big of a deal....to you. That's what matters, and that's fine.
"What would you have thought if this were you?"
I would be hurt, to tell the truth. You're the mother of his child. Mother's Day is for celebrating Mothers, and you do not have to have given birth to someone to have them celebrate you. It's understandable that you feel a little sad, really. Don't let anyone else make you feel badly about that. We all need to feel valued. If this is important to you, it's important to you!
"Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
Yes, of course. He's the father of your child. Make him feel appreciated, it will make both of you happy.
posted by iconomy at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Maybe you could ask him "Hon, since we didn't do anything special for Mother's Day, then I'm assuming you don't want me to plan anything for Father's Day next month?" and see what he says.
Don't do that, it's passive aggressive, will probably make him feel like a fool, while resenting you for making him feel that way and turns this into a you vs him situation.
Just explain to him that for Mother's Day you'd like to do something a little special, at the least a "Happy Mother's Day!" and a hug. Remember, it's perfectly ok to ask for what you want or need in a relationship.
Your post suggests that there may have been trauma or problems with the birth, so he might be feeling mentally or emotionally wrung out or some such. Since you guys usually don't do much for holidays and it's your first Mother's Day, he just may not have connected the dots. That's ok, he's human. Now's a perfect time to bring up with him and maybe discuss some new traditions for the family.
And oh yeah, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Don't do that, it's passive aggressive, will probably make him feel like a fool, while resenting you for making him feel that way and turns this into a you vs him situation.
Just explain to him that for Mother's Day you'd like to do something a little special, at the least a "Happy Mother's Day!" and a hug. Remember, it's perfectly ok to ask for what you want or need in a relationship.
Your post suggests that there may have been trauma or problems with the birth, so he might be feeling mentally or emotionally wrung out or some such. Since you guys usually don't do much for holidays and it's your first Mother's Day, he just may not have connected the dots. That's ok, he's human. Now's a perfect time to bring up with him and maybe discuss some new traditions for the family.
And oh yeah, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Should I bring it up with him?
Yes. Let him know that you were excited about your first Mother's Day and would love to do something nice for each other on these holidays moving forward.
Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?
It's not a big deal, but it is important to you. It's an important skill to be able to communicate what you want and know that your partner hears and understands you.
What would you have thought if this were you?
I would've said something in advance to my partner, like, "Can we do something for Mother's Day? I'd like something special, like X, Y or Z." If my partner ignored or failed to act on a request, I'd let them know I was disappointed and I'd try to figure out how it went off the tracks.
If my partner didn't know in advance what I wanted, I'd try to communicate it after the fact and come up with an alternative way he could make it up to me.
Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?
Of course! But I'd ditch the idea that Father's Day is something that you do for him. Instead, why not ask if you can both pretend that Father's Day is Parent's Day this year. Do something special together, for each other, something shared and mutually enjoyable. Let him know that you'd love to do something nice for each other on these holidays moving forward.
Since you don't typically celebrate holidays like these, it's somewhat of a rule change to expect him to do something without voicing a desire in advance. It's fine to want something new and different, but do try to give your spouse a heads up. Chances are, he's a sweet guy who didn't think that Mother's Day was something your family did together.
posted by cior at 12:56 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Yes. Let him know that you were excited about your first Mother's Day and would love to do something nice for each other on these holidays moving forward.
Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?
It's not a big deal, but it is important to you. It's an important skill to be able to communicate what you want and know that your partner hears and understands you.
What would you have thought if this were you?
I would've said something in advance to my partner, like, "Can we do something for Mother's Day? I'd like something special, like X, Y or Z." If my partner ignored or failed to act on a request, I'd let them know I was disappointed and I'd try to figure out how it went off the tracks.
If my partner didn't know in advance what I wanted, I'd try to communicate it after the fact and come up with an alternative way he could make it up to me.
Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?
Of course! But I'd ditch the idea that Father's Day is something that you do for him. Instead, why not ask if you can both pretend that Father's Day is Parent's Day this year. Do something special together, for each other, something shared and mutually enjoyable. Let him know that you'd love to do something nice for each other on these holidays moving forward.
Since you don't typically celebrate holidays like these, it's somewhat of a rule change to expect him to do something without voicing a desire in advance. It's fine to want something new and different, but do try to give your spouse a heads up. Chances are, he's a sweet guy who didn't think that Mother's Day was something your family did together.
posted by cior at 12:56 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Talk to him. He can't know anything is wrong if you don't talk to him.
this.
Remember, it's perfectly ok to ask for what you want or need in a relationship.
and this.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:56 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
this.
Remember, it's perfectly ok to ask for what you want or need in a relationship.
and this.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:56 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
As a father of two, I'll admit that I didn't think of mother's day the first year. It wasn't that Ms. Quizicalcoatl wasn't special to me or that I didn't think she was a great mother. It's just that it didn't hit me that when we're talking about Mother's Day, that it would mean people like her rather than people like my mom.
Exactly. I've said before that I think Father's Day and Mother's Day should switch places on the calendar so that it gives new dads a chance to get hit by the clue truck before they miss their partner's first Mom's Day.
I don't think you can really blame him, but you should definitely tell him how you feel so he can try and make it right in the future. I know it diminishes the experience if you have to ask someone in advance to make a big deal about you, but it's better than being disappointed, right? My wife and I rarely make a big deal about each other's birthdays, but sometimes one or the other will want a party that year, and so we will tell the other several months ahead of time, "Hey, why don't you throw me a big bash for my birthday this year, OK?" It works out nicely.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:58 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Exactly. I've said before that I think Father's Day and Mother's Day should switch places on the calendar so that it gives new dads a chance to get hit by the clue truck before they miss their partner's first Mom's Day.
I don't think you can really blame him, but you should definitely tell him how you feel so he can try and make it right in the future. I know it diminishes the experience if you have to ask someone in advance to make a big deal about you, but it's better than being disappointed, right? My wife and I rarely make a big deal about each other's birthdays, but sometimes one or the other will want a party that year, and so we will tell the other several months ahead of time, "Hey, why don't you throw me a big bash for my birthday this year, OK?" It works out nicely.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:58 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think what jessamyn says is right--many people assume Mother's Day is for kid-to-mom expressions of gratitude. And, of course, many people whose partners don't make a big deal about other holidays might assume Mother's Day was just another of those, even if they had a conception that dads or other coparents might honor mothers then.
Still, if you want to be celebrated by your husband on Mother's Day, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to want. Hey, I celebrate you, and I don't even know you, but thanks for bringing into the world someone I imagine will grow up to be a lovely person, given your level of introspection (and excellent spelling and grammar). I mean this--as someone who has no kids of her own, I feel a debt of gratitude to all the mothers of the world for filling the planet with these wonderful little people.
Now here's the thing. My husband, whom I ordinarily praise to the skies here, has one quality that doesn't mesh well with me. He is Not A Gift Person. His parents, whom I adore/adored, are/were Not Gift People. They're generous and kind and giving, but not people who do the whole "pick out a present and wrap it and present it" thing. They just don't. Never have, never did--when hub and his brother were kids, they would get something big on their birthday (bicycle, etc.) but not wrapped and not presented ceremoniously. And the in-laws didn't do Hanukkah gifts, because she was raised too secular and he was raised too Orthodox to get into that very North American tradition.
Mr. Sidhedevil and I have been married for almost 9 years and I can count the birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts he's given me on one hand. Every now and then I remind him and he makes a Herculean effort to find me something, and it's usually OK (but just OK), and then I lose heart and don't remind him for a year or more.
This makes me sad: I am very much A Gift Person, and I love picking out the perfect gift and wrapping it and presenting it and the whole shmeggege. But he isn't, and there it is. He's incredibly generous and loving and gives me so much every day--it just isn't in a shiny box with pretty ribbon.
That said, if I hadn't told him about my disappointment re: gifts, a) he would never have figured it out in a billion years, and b) I would be actively resentful about it, rather than just slightly rueful that we're mismatched in that one small way.
So my feeling is that, even if saying something doesn't change your husband's behavior for the better, it will almost certainly change your own perspective for the better.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Still, if you want to be celebrated by your husband on Mother's Day, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to want. Hey, I celebrate you, and I don't even know you, but thanks for bringing into the world someone I imagine will grow up to be a lovely person, given your level of introspection (and excellent spelling and grammar). I mean this--as someone who has no kids of her own, I feel a debt of gratitude to all the mothers of the world for filling the planet with these wonderful little people.
Now here's the thing. My husband, whom I ordinarily praise to the skies here, has one quality that doesn't mesh well with me. He is Not A Gift Person. His parents, whom I adore/adored, are/were Not Gift People. They're generous and kind and giving, but not people who do the whole "pick out a present and wrap it and present it" thing. They just don't. Never have, never did--when hub and his brother were kids, they would get something big on their birthday (bicycle, etc.) but not wrapped and not presented ceremoniously. And the in-laws didn't do Hanukkah gifts, because she was raised too secular and he was raised too Orthodox to get into that very North American tradition.
Mr. Sidhedevil and I have been married for almost 9 years and I can count the birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts he's given me on one hand. Every now and then I remind him and he makes a Herculean effort to find me something, and it's usually OK (but just OK), and then I lose heart and don't remind him for a year or more.
This makes me sad: I am very much A Gift Person, and I love picking out the perfect gift and wrapping it and presenting it and the whole shmeggege. But he isn't, and there it is. He's incredibly generous and loving and gives me so much every day--it just isn't in a shiny box with pretty ribbon.
That said, if I hadn't told him about my disappointment re: gifts, a) he would never have figured it out in a billion years, and b) I would be actively resentful about it, rather than just slightly rueful that we're mismatched in that one small way.
So my feeling is that, even if saying something doesn't change your husband's behavior for the better, it will almost certainly change your own perspective for the better.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
"Should I bring it up with him?" "Is it really that big of a deal or is it just in my mind?" "What would you have thought if this were you?" "Should I bother to do something for him on Father's Day?"
1. Yes, bring it up with him because you're upset and he should know it. He is in a position to make it up to you, but only if you let him in on how you're feeling.
2. It's a big deal to you--but it's not necessarily something that should or could have been obvious to him. So, don't dismiss it just because it's in your mind rather than a shared expectation, but try to consider that the most positive and productive outcome will happen once you discuss and agree on shared expectations, rather than one person punishing the other or being angry because the expectations were mismatched (he expected to follow your mutually established tradition of not making a big deal about holidays; you expected him to make an exception given the special circumstances of this particular holiday).
3. My feelings probably would have been hurt, to be honest. I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling this way, but I do understand why someone who doesn't celebrate holidays would forgo celebrating a holiday.
4. If celebrating Mother's Day and Father's Day is something that matters to you as a parent and a partner to your co-parent, then after discussing your feelings about Mother's Day absolutely do something for Father's Day! Not in a begrudging way, or something over the top to make him feel guilty about Mother's Day--just something to celebrate him as a father the way you hope he'll celebrate you as a mother.
(I'm answering this because I am the worst person in the whole world for remembering birthdays. It's not that I don't value my loved ones, or that I don't think they're worth celebrating on their birthdays, it's just something I have a hard time remembering to do. If someone tells me that it really bothered them when I didn't call on their birthday, I make an extra effort to do it for that person the next year because I now know their expectations. Everyone else still gets a card with a squirrel saying "Nuts! I forgot your birthday!" a week late.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:00 PM on May 11, 2009
1. Yes, bring it up with him because you're upset and he should know it. He is in a position to make it up to you, but only if you let him in on how you're feeling.
2. It's a big deal to you--but it's not necessarily something that should or could have been obvious to him. So, don't dismiss it just because it's in your mind rather than a shared expectation, but try to consider that the most positive and productive outcome will happen once you discuss and agree on shared expectations, rather than one person punishing the other or being angry because the expectations were mismatched (he expected to follow your mutually established tradition of not making a big deal about holidays; you expected him to make an exception given the special circumstances of this particular holiday).
3. My feelings probably would have been hurt, to be honest. I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling this way, but I do understand why someone who doesn't celebrate holidays would forgo celebrating a holiday.
4. If celebrating Mother's Day and Father's Day is something that matters to you as a parent and a partner to your co-parent, then after discussing your feelings about Mother's Day absolutely do something for Father's Day! Not in a begrudging way, or something over the top to make him feel guilty about Mother's Day--just something to celebrate him as a father the way you hope he'll celebrate you as a mother.
(I'm answering this because I am the worst person in the whole world for remembering birthdays. It's not that I don't value my loved ones, or that I don't think they're worth celebrating on their birthdays, it's just something I have a hard time remembering to do. If someone tells me that it really bothered them when I didn't call on their birthday, I make an extra effort to do it for that person the next year because I now know their expectations. Everyone else still gets a card with a squirrel saying "Nuts! I forgot your birthday!" a week late.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:00 PM on May 11, 2009
You have to talk about your needs and expectations as new parents and you have to do so without apology. If you want to acknowledge mother's day and father's day, tell him so.
We're not really very traditional people either but I told my partner I wanted flowers and candy on Valentine's day years ago, and I fully realize how dorky that is and how blah blah mainstream and consumerist. I don't care. I want some damn flowers once a year. I want chocolates. Like in the movies. I've never in my life dated a guy who brought me flowers on his own. Like maybe once or twice, but I had a friend a long time ago whose boyfriend brought her flowers whenever they went out and oh, the jealousy!
Anyway--if I didn't tell him, he would never have started doing this. It's a little artificial, in that we both know I sort of make him do it, but he does it even if he thinks its silly because it makes me happy. I think it's silly too, but I don't care. I want it. This was my first mother's day, too, and I started laying the subtle groundwork early in the week with 'hey, what are you going to get me for mother's day'?
Tell the new daddy that you want to celebrate mother's day and describe what you envision. I got a cup of Irish coffee, a card with a nice note, and to sleep in until 9:30. Tell him you got hurt feelings yesterday and surprised yourself a little. You can celebrate these holidays in a way that seems genuine and right for the two of you. You're not bound by any big agenda.
Also, you do sound a little hormonal. I'd be surprised if this whole thing wasn't pretty uncharacteristic of you -- take it easy on yourself and talk to your doctor about PPD. Antidepressants work great. I don't know if you're breastfeeding or what the implications are if you are breastfeeding--I didn't--but your doctor could help and I strongly recommend not being weepingly depressed with an infant in the house. You owe it to yourself and everyone in your family to get some help if you need to. You're not alone.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:01 PM on May 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
We're not really very traditional people either but I told my partner I wanted flowers and candy on Valentine's day years ago, and I fully realize how dorky that is and how blah blah mainstream and consumerist. I don't care. I want some damn flowers once a year. I want chocolates. Like in the movies. I've never in my life dated a guy who brought me flowers on his own. Like maybe once or twice, but I had a friend a long time ago whose boyfriend brought her flowers whenever they went out and oh, the jealousy!
Anyway--if I didn't tell him, he would never have started doing this. It's a little artificial, in that we both know I sort of make him do it, but he does it even if he thinks its silly because it makes me happy. I think it's silly too, but I don't care. I want it. This was my first mother's day, too, and I started laying the subtle groundwork early in the week with 'hey, what are you going to get me for mother's day'?
Tell the new daddy that you want to celebrate mother's day and describe what you envision. I got a cup of Irish coffee, a card with a nice note, and to sleep in until 9:30. Tell him you got hurt feelings yesterday and surprised yourself a little. You can celebrate these holidays in a way that seems genuine and right for the two of you. You're not bound by any big agenda.
Also, you do sound a little hormonal. I'd be surprised if this whole thing wasn't pretty uncharacteristic of you -- take it easy on yourself and talk to your doctor about PPD. Antidepressants work great. I don't know if you're breastfeeding or what the implications are if you are breastfeeding--I didn't--but your doctor could help and I strongly recommend not being weepingly depressed with an infant in the house. You owe it to yourself and everyone in your family to get some help if you need to. You're not alone.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:01 PM on May 11, 2009 [4 favorites]
Agree with 0cFCAF. Take it from me, a *graduate* of recent couples therapy. You literally need to tell him exactly what your expectations are ahead of an occasion. Sounds counterintuitive, but it'll breed better communication down the road.
Example (mine): Wife brought up in therapy that for a landmark birthday, I didn't throw her a party and all I got her was a coffee maker. This was very disappointing to her and six years later it was still fresh on her memory. The reality of that time six years prior was that she specifically asked me not to make a big deal about her birthday and she kept dropping hints about wanting this fancy-schmancy Capresso coffee machine. As a result, her emotional needs were not met and six years later this is being dredged up in therapy as evidence of my being out of tune to her needs/wants.
Moral of the story: people (particularly men) don't read minds. Heck, we don't even do *hints* very well. I say bring this up to your husband by not expressing your disappointment, but rather saying something like, "You know, in the future I think I'd like to get a card/gift/dinner/whatever from you on M-Day; I see the appreciation my girlfriends get and I think I'd like that, too. I thought I wouldn't, considering we generally don't celebrate Hallmark holidays, but I've changed my mind on this one."
The only caution and question I have for you is whether or not the attitude towards holidays has been thrust on you, and you have been going along just to avoid conflict, or have you been seriously disinterested in these holidays in the first place? If it's the former, your communication problems may be more serious...
posted by teg4rvn at 1:02 PM on May 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
Example (mine): Wife brought up in therapy that for a landmark birthday, I didn't throw her a party and all I got her was a coffee maker. This was very disappointing to her and six years later it was still fresh on her memory. The reality of that time six years prior was that she specifically asked me not to make a big deal about her birthday and she kept dropping hints about wanting this fancy-schmancy Capresso coffee machine. As a result, her emotional needs were not met and six years later this is being dredged up in therapy as evidence of my being out of tune to her needs/wants.
Moral of the story: people (particularly men) don't read minds. Heck, we don't even do *hints* very well. I say bring this up to your husband by not expressing your disappointment, but rather saying something like, "You know, in the future I think I'd like to get a card/gift/dinner/whatever from you on M-Day; I see the appreciation my girlfriends get and I think I'd like that, too. I thought I wouldn't, considering we generally don't celebrate Hallmark holidays, but I've changed my mind on this one."
The only caution and question I have for you is whether or not the attitude towards holidays has been thrust on you, and you have been going along just to avoid conflict, or have you been seriously disinterested in these holidays in the first place? If it's the former, your communication problems may be more serious...
posted by teg4rvn at 1:02 PM on May 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
I've been married 32 years to the same woman and I have never "done anything" for her on Mothers Day -- children "do something" for their mothers. Husbands don't do things for their wives (on Mothers Day -- that's what Valentine's Day is for). When our children became old enough to be conscious of the celebration, I helped them choose, make, buy, (whatever) Mothers Day cards and gifts. My wife has had no problem with this. On Mothers Day, we each do something for our mothers.
posted by feelinggood at 1:03 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by feelinggood at 1:03 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Brandon: yup, I agree there's some passive and aggressive in there, and it might backfire.
Were I to do that, though, tone of voice would be all important. I wouldn't do it in a snarky, obvious, guilt-laden, you-made-me-feel-bad-you-jerk way at all.
It would have to be a sincere, casual, 'I'm wondering how you feel about observing Father's Day?' way. Which I didn't clarify at all in my post, so thanks! :)
posted by GuffProof at 1:05 PM on May 11, 2009
Were I to do that, though, tone of voice would be all important. I wouldn't do it in a snarky, obvious, guilt-laden, you-made-me-feel-bad-you-jerk way at all.
It would have to be a sincere, casual, 'I'm wondering how you feel about observing Father's Day?' way. Which I didn't clarify at all in my post, so thanks! :)
posted by GuffProof at 1:05 PM on May 11, 2009
"I feel a bit sad we didn't do anything for Mother's Day".
Saying "we" let's him know how you feel without making it all his fault.
posted by penguin pie at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Saying "we" let's him know how you feel without making it all his fault.
posted by penguin pie at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I was just visiting another message board which I frequent, and I was surprised at how many Moms there were upset because their husbands hadn't done anything for them for Mother's Day. So you're not alone, if that's any comfort. I sort of got a feeling that it simply didn't occur to many of these men to remember their wives on Mother's Day. (Who knows if they even remembered to send their own Moms something for the occasion; quite often that is a task taken care of by the wife anyway. Before my MIL got very ill, I always had to remind Mr. Adams every year "It's Mother's Day, you'd better call your mom some time today!") I don't blame you for feeling upset, and I would gently (not confrontationally) mention it to your husband..."You know, I don't mean to complain, but I have to admit I was a little hurt that you didn't wish me a 'Happy Mother's Day' last Sunday." That will give him the chance to either confess that he'd forgotten it was Mother's Day, or that the two of you don't usually recognize holidays, or whatever. And it plants the seed for next year.
And in hopes of giving you a little chuckle, I'll leave you with this quote from The Golden Girls, from a Mother's Day flashback episode:
Sophia: By the way, Sal, today is Mother's Day and you didn't get me anything.
Sal: So? You're not my mother.
Sophia: I'm the mother of your three children!
Sal: A thousand nights I beg you; three times you say 'yes' and I should buy you a present?!
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2009
And in hopes of giving you a little chuckle, I'll leave you with this quote from The Golden Girls, from a Mother's Day flashback episode:
Sophia: By the way, Sal, today is Mother's Day and you didn't get me anything.
Sal: So? You're not my mother.
Sophia: I'm the mother of your three children!
Sal: A thousand nights I beg you; three times you say 'yes' and I should buy you a present?!
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2009
Of course you should bring it up. No confrontation, though. It's not his fault. You expected him to read your mind...
It's obviously not obvious that this one "hallmark holiday" (of however long history) is different from the others. I mean, if you don't observe Valentine's Day, the corollary is that Mother's Day/Father's Day aren't observed either, considering that you've been Valentines longer than you've been parents. Then again, he may agree with feelinggood that Mother's Day is a day to honor *his* mother, not the mother of his child.
And he's not going to know that it bothered you unless you tell him, and you're not going to know why he didn't do anything unless you ask.
posted by jlkr at 1:19 PM on May 11, 2009
It's obviously not obvious that this one "hallmark holiday" (of however long history) is different from the others. I mean, if you don't observe Valentine's Day, the corollary is that Mother's Day/Father's Day aren't observed either, considering that you've been Valentines longer than you've been parents. Then again, he may agree with feelinggood that Mother's Day is a day to honor *his* mother, not the mother of his child.
And he's not going to know that it bothered you unless you tell him, and you're not going to know why he didn't do anything unless you ask.
posted by jlkr at 1:19 PM on May 11, 2009
not much to add, but I think the phrase from Quizicalcoatl is a really good starting point.
"Just say, "I know we don't do a lot of holiday stuff, but I think it'd be awesome if next year on Mother's Day we did something special."
The use of "we" makes it sound less like "you must" and is therefore way more inviting. I know that's not the easiest when you're already hurt, but it might be a way to keep things positive.
posted by mercredi at 1:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
"Just say, "I know we don't do a lot of holiday stuff, but I think it'd be awesome if next year on Mother's Day we did something special."
The use of "we" makes it sound less like "you must" and is therefore way more inviting. I know that's not the easiest when you're already hurt, but it might be a way to keep things positive.
posted by mercredi at 1:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Happy Mother's Day! My husband is not a Hallmark guy, but I made it clear early on that I'd prefer to do a little something for each other for Valentine's Day, and he's apparently extended this in his mind to Mother's Day, too. Talk to him.
SN Widget, I really couldn't let this go:
Does he help you out around the house? Does he take the kid and give you time alone during the week? Has be been helpful since the baby was born?
If he's done these things, maybe he's celebrated Mother's Day every day, and didn't feel the need to choose a specific day on which to do it.
Your further explanation: "I'm just wondering that if he was doing things like this for her throughout the year, that he didn't think that the single day, Mother's Day, would be so important."
I don't think you saw what was offensive about what you wrote. His doing things around the house is not "helping her out," because she is not the person with responsibility for the housework, which he is then helping with. It's just fulfilling his own, independent obligations. Childcare is another of his own, independent obligations. He is not "helping her out" when he does childcare and housework. He is taking care of his home and child.
posted by palliser at 1:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [12 favorites]
SN Widget, I really couldn't let this go:
Does he help you out around the house? Does he take the kid and give you time alone during the week? Has be been helpful since the baby was born?
If he's done these things, maybe he's celebrated Mother's Day every day, and didn't feel the need to choose a specific day on which to do it.
Your further explanation: "I'm just wondering that if he was doing things like this for her throughout the year, that he didn't think that the single day, Mother's Day, would be so important."
I don't think you saw what was offensive about what you wrote. His doing things around the house is not "helping her out," because she is not the person with responsibility for the housework, which he is then helping with. It's just fulfilling his own, independent obligations. Childcare is another of his own, independent obligations. He is not "helping her out" when he does childcare and housework. He is taking care of his home and child.
posted by palliser at 1:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [12 favorites]
I just wanted to pipe in and validate you (because that's what I would want someone to do if I was in your shoes). It's totally okay and understandable for you to feel sad and disappointed. He will understand too. Just explain it to him just as you have explained it here. Mother's Day is a big deal for a new mother. You're struggling with a new identity and a new role. You deserve to be recognized! I'm sure he just doesn't understand that, yet. Men can be really obtuse about things like this but the good ones (and most of them are good) change thier behavior when presented with a partner's need.
posted by dchrssyr at 1:23 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by dchrssyr at 1:23 PM on May 11, 2009
Oh, poor anon. I would send you a MeMail if I could -- you sound sad. I'm glad you already recognized your PPD. Do tell him, but don't make a big deal out of it, do keep an eye on your depression, and by next Mother's Day things should be much, much better.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:27 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:27 PM on May 11, 2009
Simple, bring it up with him. Don't guilt him about it. It's only Monday, so he can still get you a half-dozen cards (and flowers) on sale.
If you are both the types not to celebrate holidays -- especially Valentine's day!!! -- then he surely assumed you didn't care. This goes double if he was originally the type to celebrate such things (or at least came from a family that did), and you weren't. He was probably overcompensating -- so don't double-cross him and make him feel bad for doing what he thought you wanted.
posted by turducken at 1:36 PM on May 11, 2009
If you are both the types not to celebrate holidays -- especially Valentine's day!!! -- then he surely assumed you didn't care. This goes double if he was originally the type to celebrate such things (or at least came from a family that did), and you weren't. He was probably overcompensating -- so don't double-cross him and make him feel bad for doing what he thought you wanted.
posted by turducken at 1:36 PM on May 11, 2009
Husbands don't do things for their wives (on Mothers Day -- that's what Valentine's Day is for).
feelinggood, you and your wife and your kids have the right to celebrate Mother's Day in any way that works for all of you.
What you don't have the right to do is tell other people how they should celebrate it. Yes, the "Mother's Day is for kid-to-mom celebration" attitude is widespread, and that may well be why the OP's husband didn't think she expected any celebration from him.
But there's nothing wrong with her having wanted that celebration from him, or wanting it on future Mother's Days.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:37 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
feelinggood, you and your wife and your kids have the right to celebrate Mother's Day in any way that works for all of you.
What you don't have the right to do is tell other people how they should celebrate it. Yes, the "Mother's Day is for kid-to-mom celebration" attitude is widespread, and that may well be why the OP's husband didn't think she expected any celebration from him.
But there's nothing wrong with her having wanted that celebration from him, or wanting it on future Mother's Days.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:37 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Another vote for "Mother's Day is for your mom, not your spouse" here. Tell your husband what you'd like in the future and hopefully he will try to make you happy (even if this is a fake holiday!)
posted by Fin Azvandi at 1:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Fin Azvandi at 1:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't think of myself as a chauvinist pig, but surely the idea of Mother's Day (totally apart from its commercial origin) is for a mother-child relationship? In my mind the husband has little to do with Mother's Day, except maybe to prod the kids. Just saying, to give another viewpoint.
Anyway, it's sad that you felt let down. Direct discussion should make things better.
posted by anadem at 1:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anyway, it's sad that you felt let down. Direct discussion should make things better.
posted by anadem at 1:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
It would have to be a sincere, casual, 'I'm wondering how you feel about observing Father's Day?' way.
You, or you-as-poster-stand-in, aren't wondering this, though, you're wondering what happened to Mother's Day. So what if he answers "I don't care a jot about it"? Then you've implicitly agreed to not honouring either of the days, and if you want to get Mother's Day honoured, you have to raise it anyway. That's going to make you look passive-aggressive, regardless of the tone of voice.
You have to talk about what's really at root here: Mother's Day, not Father's Day.
posted by fightorflight at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
You, or you-as-poster-stand-in, aren't wondering this, though, you're wondering what happened to Mother's Day. So what if he answers "I don't care a jot about it"? Then you've implicitly agreed to not honouring either of the days, and if you want to get Mother's Day honoured, you have to raise it anyway. That's going to make you look passive-aggressive, regardless of the tone of voice.
You have to talk about what's really at root here: Mother's Day, not Father's Day.
posted by fightorflight at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2009 [5 favorites]
Are you sad and disappointed about the lack of acknowledgement on Mother's Day because you don't feel that your hard work taking care of your child is acknowledged on other days? Agree with all above who said that you should make your needs clear, and this might be another need you should talk with mr. anonymous about, beyond observing Mother's Day together. Don't let resentment and unhappiness build up inside you.
Data point: when I was 18 years old I totally blew off Mother's Day. I was young and cynical and a month away from graduating high school, and I -- an only child, naturally -- was not buying into any of that manufactured Hallmark bullshit. And oh boy, was my mother upset. She cried. She got angry. (She never gets angry.) I had no idea it meant so much to her, but it had been a hard year, and she needed -- nay, deserved -- to be acknowledged for all that she had been through and put up with. And I'd let her down so bad, taken her for granted, been a totally selfish idiot. I still feel bad. But damn, I learned my lesson. I've never missed Mother's Day since.
posted by junkbox at 1:55 PM on May 11, 2009
Data point: when I was 18 years old I totally blew off Mother's Day. I was young and cynical and a month away from graduating high school, and I -- an only child, naturally -- was not buying into any of that manufactured Hallmark bullshit. And oh boy, was my mother upset. She cried. She got angry. (She never gets angry.) I had no idea it meant so much to her, but it had been a hard year, and she needed -- nay, deserved -- to be acknowledged for all that she had been through and put up with. And I'd let her down so bad, taken her for granted, been a totally selfish idiot. I still feel bad. But damn, I learned my lesson. I've never missed Mother's Day since.
posted by junkbox at 1:55 PM on May 11, 2009
Wait, Mother's Day was ever for spouses? Everywhere I've been, it's for your mother.
In most of the world, I've noticed it's still for mothers, which would make this question silly: He didn't do anything to celebrate because you're not his mother, dear.
But in the US, I have also noticed, there's been a creeping add-on as others have described, where one is expected to celebrate for/with mothers in general, including your wife if she happens to be a mother.
It seems wrong to me, like some kind of holiday bait-and-switch. I blame Hallmark.
How long before they convince us to give our mothers presents on Valentine's Day, because after all she was the first woman we loved, right?
posted by rokusan at 2:00 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
In most of the world, I've noticed it's still for mothers, which would make this question silly: He didn't do anything to celebrate because you're not his mother, dear.
But in the US, I have also noticed, there's been a creeping add-on as others have described, where one is expected to celebrate for/with mothers in general, including your wife if she happens to be a mother.
It seems wrong to me, like some kind of holiday bait-and-switch. I blame Hallmark.
How long before they convince us to give our mothers presents on Valentine's Day, because after all she was the first woman we loved, right?
posted by rokusan at 2:00 PM on May 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
I know if it were me, there's no way I'd be able to hold it in till Father's day. I would just talk to him. Even if you're angry don't act angry because he might get defensive. Just lovingly say "ya know, I was really hurt that you didn't acknowledge Mother's Day, since this year there was such a huge change in our lives and I became a mother." Ideally he'll say "oh no, I'm sorry let me make it up to you next weekend" and you should say "OK, I can't wait for it!" instead of saying "oh no, it's OK now don't worry about it." If he doesn't do anything about it, well, maybe he really doesn't like holidays, so then just be happy with him (hopefully) being a loving husband and father, and suggest that maybe next time he should consider celebrating such an important day, and tell him how much you'd appreciate it.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 2:00 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by KateHasQuestions at 2:00 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
What you don't have the right to do is tell other people how they should celebrate it.
But the OP's problem has come about because she had an expectation that her husband clearly didn't share. She is, in effect, telling her husband how he should celebrate it.
So I don't think answers that suggest it's not to be celebrated are very out of line. How else will the OP realize that it's a common sentiment?
posted by rokusan at 2:02 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
But the OP's problem has come about because she had an expectation that her husband clearly didn't share. She is, in effect, telling her husband how he should celebrate it.
So I don't think answers that suggest it's not to be celebrated are very out of line. How else will the OP realize that it's a common sentiment?
posted by rokusan at 2:02 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Just say, "I know we don't do a lot of holiday stuff, but I think it'd be awesome if next year on Mother's Day we did something special."
I like that, because it acknowledges that the husband did nothing wrong, here, other than have a different (common) understanding of the holiday than the wife's (also common) understanding.
posted by rokusan at 2:03 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
I like that, because it acknowledges that the husband did nothing wrong, here, other than have a different (common) understanding of the holiday than the wife's (also common) understanding.
posted by rokusan at 2:03 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
In my mind the husband has little to do with Mother's Day
Do you have a wife and kids? A 3 month old baby might not be able to properly express the full range of appreciative emotions, but the father/husband damn well better be able to. I think Anonymous is completely right to feel bereft here. In my experience, it's far better to go overboard on Mother's Day than to do nothing.
posted by mattbucher at 2:04 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Do you have a wife and kids? A 3 month old baby might not be able to properly express the full range of appreciative emotions, but the father/husband damn well better be able to. I think Anonymous is completely right to feel bereft here. In my experience, it's far better to go overboard on Mother's Day than to do nothing.
posted by mattbucher at 2:04 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
How my family's often handled this with kids too young to "do" anything:
Buy small, silly gift, present it as if it came from the baby. "Awwww, look what little sister got mommy for Mother's Day. Say Happy Mother's Day, little sister!"
Dad's going to have to be the one reminding the kid to do something for Mother's Day for at least the next ten years or so anyway, so he might as well get in the habit!
posted by Pufferish at 2:05 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Buy small, silly gift, present it as if it came from the baby. "Awwww, look what little sister got mommy for Mother's Day. Say Happy Mother's Day, little sister!"
Dad's going to have to be the one reminding the kid to do something for Mother's Day for at least the next ten years or so anyway, so he might as well get in the habit!
posted by Pufferish at 2:05 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sweetie, as it turns out, celebrating Mother's Day is important to me. Would you be the proxy for Baby Anon's Mother's Day commemoration? When Baby is older, you can involve the sprout more. Since the day has passed, let's do Handprints for posterity. As long as we're discussing it, do you think you'd like to celebrate Father's Day?
posted by theora55 at 2:15 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by theora55 at 2:15 PM on May 11, 2009
Nthing the communication issue, obviously. However, since nobody has mentioned it, if you've got post-partum depression, and if he knows you have post-partum depression, he may be tip-toeing around the whole Mother's Day issue for fear of making you even more sad. Just something to consider.
posted by adipocere at 2:16 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by adipocere at 2:16 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Just chiming in here to say that Mother's Day is most certainly NOT just a 'Hallmark Holiday." It was originally an anti-war proclamation by Julia Ward Howe in 1870. The modern day "Mother's Day" was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908, as a day to honor mothers and motherhood; especially within the context of families, and family relationships.
As to your question, it seems unfair to expect him to celebrate this holiday unprodded when you both avoid celebrating other holidays. Talk to him to avoid this in the future.
posted by schyler523 at 2:32 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
As to your question, it seems unfair to expect him to celebrate this holiday unprodded when you both avoid celebrating other holidays. Talk to him to avoid this in the future.
posted by schyler523 at 2:32 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Mod note: comment removed - please be non-fighty in your answers to the OP and your interactions with other posters, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:38 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:38 PM on May 11, 2009
So I don't think answers that suggest it's not to be celebrated are very out of line. How else will the OP realize that it's a common sentiment?
There's a big difference between "here's the way my family has always celebrated it" and "here's the way it's supposed to be celebrated" in my opinion. Lots of other people said "In my family (or in my circle, or in my country, or whatever) it' a kid-to-mom thing" without implying that that was the only way to do it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:38 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
There's a big difference between "here's the way my family has always celebrated it" and "here's the way it's supposed to be celebrated" in my opinion. Lots of other people said "In my family (or in my circle, or in my country, or whatever) it' a kid-to-mom thing" without implying that that was the only way to do it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:38 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
It was my first Mother's Day as well, and honestly, I would have been really upset if my husband hadn't acknowledged it either. And we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. And I grew up in a family where Mother's Day was kids-to-mothers only.
But yeah, I agree with the people saying to bring it up by talking about how you'd like to celebrate it next year. And definitely do something nice for your husband for Father's Day.
posted by gaspode at 2:45 PM on May 11, 2009
But yeah, I agree with the people saying to bring it up by talking about how you'd like to celebrate it next year. And definitely do something nice for your husband for Father's Day.
posted by gaspode at 2:45 PM on May 11, 2009
The modern day "Mother's Day" was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908, as a day to honor mothers and motherhood; especially within the context of families, and family relationships.
Sure. But at the same time, Anna Jarvis never married, and died childless and penniless after spending her personal fortune crusading against Mothers Day, disgusted at how it had turned into a commercialized holiday with gifts, cards and candy.
The original "problem" is very easily fixed by just celebrating Fathers' Day the way you want Mothers' Day handled in the future. Even the most brain-thick husband will get it, and that'll cause less guilt and scarring than some kind of confrontation, which has all the trappings of stereotypical man being punished for something he doesn't even understand.
posted by rokusan at 2:52 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sure. But at the same time, Anna Jarvis never married, and died childless and penniless after spending her personal fortune crusading against Mothers Day, disgusted at how it had turned into a commercialized holiday with gifts, cards and candy.
The original "problem" is very easily fixed by just celebrating Fathers' Day the way you want Mothers' Day handled in the future. Even the most brain-thick husband will get it, and that'll cause less guilt and scarring than some kind of confrontation, which has all the trappings of stereotypical man being punished for something he doesn't even understand.
posted by rokusan at 2:52 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
If all goes well, you'll have fifty or sixty more Mothers Days in your future to celebrate. Some will suck, but some will be great. Try not to get too down over one misfire.
posted by rokusan at 2:53 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by rokusan at 2:53 PM on May 11, 2009
Go tell him right now: "Hey, I know we never do this kind of stuff, but I really like the Mother's Day idea, and we missed last Sunday, but let's have some kind of celebration next Sunday, and then we'll do that every year, the Sunday after the Hallmark Sunday, and we can do our own tradition for Father's Day too!"
posted by thinkpiece at 3:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by thinkpiece at 3:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
In my mind the husband has little to do with Mother's Day
and
But in the US, I have also noticed, there's been a creeping add-on as others have described, where one is expected to celebrate for/with mothers in general, including your wife if she happens to be a mother.
It seems wrong to me, like some kind of holiday bait-and-switch. I blame Hallmark.
Not to belabor the point, but it doesn't seem so very strange or wrong to me for a man to acknowledge and honor the mother of his children on Mother's Day. I get that it wouldn't automatically occur to every partner to do so, if they are used to only thinking of the mother-child relationship on Mother's Day, which was why I agree the OP just needs to communicate her needs. But wrong? I don't see how.
posted by JenMarie at 3:49 PM on May 11, 2009
and
But in the US, I have also noticed, there's been a creeping add-on as others have described, where one is expected to celebrate for/with mothers in general, including your wife if she happens to be a mother.
It seems wrong to me, like some kind of holiday bait-and-switch. I blame Hallmark.
Not to belabor the point, but it doesn't seem so very strange or wrong to me for a man to acknowledge and honor the mother of his children on Mother's Day. I get that it wouldn't automatically occur to every partner to do so, if they are used to only thinking of the mother-child relationship on Mother's Day, which was why I agree the OP just needs to communicate her needs. But wrong? I don't see how.
posted by JenMarie at 3:49 PM on May 11, 2009
Just mention it in the context of your typical non-celebration of holidays, and let him know that you're not looking (necessarily) for something that involves planning or money; just something that shows you care a bit more than he'd normally show.
For example, I've done bigger mother's day stuff for my wife in the last few years, but this year I did nothing except (a) let her sleep in, (b) try to get the kids to work up a breakfast once she woke up, with somewhat sketchy but edible results, (c) let her pick what we did for the day (to which she said she'd rather I picked, and then she picked something anyway) and (d) give her the rest of the day off, which she used for a double-feature and a nice dinner by herself. She ranked it the better of mothers days so far, even though I felt like it was my laziest.
Everyone wants something different for special occasions. Be open about your needs, especially now that you know you have some, and just try not to be confrontational about it. If he gets confrontational, just let him know he has a whole year to figure it out, so he shouldn't worry too much.
posted by davejay at 4:25 PM on May 11, 2009
For example, I've done bigger mother's day stuff for my wife in the last few years, but this year I did nothing except (a) let her sleep in, (b) try to get the kids to work up a breakfast once she woke up, with somewhat sketchy but edible results, (c) let her pick what we did for the day (to which she said she'd rather I picked, and then she picked something anyway) and (d) give her the rest of the day off, which she used for a double-feature and a nice dinner by herself. She ranked it the better of mothers days so far, even though I felt like it was my laziest.
Everyone wants something different for special occasions. Be open about your needs, especially now that you know you have some, and just try not to be confrontational about it. If he gets confrontational, just let him know he has a whole year to figure it out, so he shouldn't worry too much.
posted by davejay at 4:25 PM on May 11, 2009
Speaking as a father of two children, I used to try and do something for my wife ( help the kids) for Mothers Day until the kids were old enough to do it for themselves. Even from the day they were born. She did the same for me for Fathers Day. We kind of helped the kids get something Mom or Dad or make something special. When they seemed old enough to go it alone, we did that. I might take them to the store for that oh-so special bottle of perfume for Mom or dusting powder she always absolutely loved. And I loved the flashlights or aftershave I got. About the only thing I still do for her and her for me now is we always go for dinner. Our children are grown and do whatever they like for us ( for our special days) but we ( wife and I) always still treat each other to dinner.
I think he should have done something for you. And I also think your right in being disappointed. How you address this I don't know other than to make sure you do something for him on Fathers Day. I'm sure he'll ask you about it and after finding out how you feel, will be embarrassed and sorry about missing your day. He's not a bad person, but he is a guy. Sometimes ( okay a lot!!) of times we don't think. We do try though.
posted by Taurid at 4:36 PM on May 11, 2009
I think he should have done something for you. And I also think your right in being disappointed. How you address this I don't know other than to make sure you do something for him on Fathers Day. I'm sure he'll ask you about it and after finding out how you feel, will be embarrassed and sorry about missing your day. He's not a bad person, but he is a guy. Sometimes ( okay a lot!!) of times we don't think. We do try though.
posted by Taurid at 4:36 PM on May 11, 2009
Please tell him. As gently and openly as you can, no hints or passive aggression or anger if you can manage it. You sound so hurt and I cannot imagine that if your hubs heard that hurt, he wouldn't make all possible efforts to make you feel better, which you 100% deserve. Happy Mother's Day. I think motherhood can be such a thankless and difficult thing; you deserve to be appreciated and I'm sure if he knew it meant something to you, he would try to make it up to you.
One note of male-female communication (generalization) that I've noticed in my relationships & those of my friends: it's very easy to make a man feel guilty for implying that he's not being a good mate, or neglecting an emotional duty. If he feels guilty or feels that you're mad at him, it's an easy step for him to get defensive. Often when women express needs, I've seen men interpret their tone as "angry" or "accusatory", when I as a fellow woman can easily see that the woman is not angry, she's just hurt. And she's not scolding, she's just fumbling to ascertain if he really cares for her. Your tone in the post suggests that's how you feel- not steaming mad at him, but kind of sad, more seeking validation than an excuse to criticize. Now by all means, if you're PISSED then ignore all this and tell him off.
But if I'm rightin interpreting that you're not primarily angry, but rather more hurt and maybe you were even a bit surprised about your own feelings-- well, if that's how you feel, then my advice to you is to present your feelings delicately, and thereby skip the argument that could happen if the "she's scolding so I'm defensive" maze gets started. That misunderstanding won't help so maybe you can circumvent it if you make sure you phrase your needs in a non-confrontational, gentle way.
"Listen... we never talked about this, and I didn't really expect that this Mother's day would be a big deal for us... bu I sort of surprised myself with how I felt- sort of sad, disappointed- not "at you", and not mad. But just that I realized I really would like to celebrate Motherhood as it's been a tough year. Is there something nice we can do to celebrate parenthood together?" I think that kind of approach will yield you the warmest response. Good luck and Happy Mother's Day to you!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
One note of male-female communication (generalization) that I've noticed in my relationships & those of my friends: it's very easy to make a man feel guilty for implying that he's not being a good mate, or neglecting an emotional duty. If he feels guilty or feels that you're mad at him, it's an easy step for him to get defensive. Often when women express needs, I've seen men interpret their tone as "angry" or "accusatory", when I as a fellow woman can easily see that the woman is not angry, she's just hurt. And she's not scolding, she's just fumbling to ascertain if he really cares for her. Your tone in the post suggests that's how you feel- not steaming mad at him, but kind of sad, more seeking validation than an excuse to criticize. Now by all means, if you're PISSED then ignore all this and tell him off.
But if I'm rightin interpreting that you're not primarily angry, but rather more hurt and maybe you were even a bit surprised about your own feelings-- well, if that's how you feel, then my advice to you is to present your feelings delicately, and thereby skip the argument that could happen if the "she's scolding so I'm defensive" maze gets started. That misunderstanding won't help so maybe you can circumvent it if you make sure you phrase your needs in a non-confrontational, gentle way.
"Listen... we never talked about this, and I didn't really expect that this Mother's day would be a big deal for us... bu I sort of surprised myself with how I felt- sort of sad, disappointed- not "at you", and not mad. But just that I realized I really would like to celebrate Motherhood as it's been a tough year. Is there something nice we can do to celebrate parenthood together?" I think that kind of approach will yield you the warmest response. Good luck and Happy Mother's Day to you!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:42 PM on May 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Hey, Happy First Mother's Day to you too.
We also aren't big on holidays and I hate spending $5 on a piece of paper that someone else wrote, but I also made sure that we discussed the fact that it was Mother's Day (and I got a card with scrawly baby-ish writing from my 6 month old) and all that junk.
Maybe he did it because my Mom was in town last week and brought cards for me for Mother's Day from her and my Dad. And while she was here I got a Grandmother-oriented card for her and for my MIL.
So, maybe if you don't want to bring it up directly (although that would be the easiest/best thing to do), instead drop hints 2 weeks ahead of time "Hey, maybe we need to run to the drug store to pick up cards from Baby Anon to our moms, huh?"
posted by k8t at 5:24 PM on May 11, 2009
We also aren't big on holidays and I hate spending $5 on a piece of paper that someone else wrote, but I also made sure that we discussed the fact that it was Mother's Day (and I got a card with scrawly baby-ish writing from my 6 month old) and all that junk.
Maybe he did it because my Mom was in town last week and brought cards for me for Mother's Day from her and my Dad. And while she was here I got a Grandmother-oriented card for her and for my MIL.
So, maybe if you don't want to bring it up directly (although that would be the easiest/best thing to do), instead drop hints 2 weeks ahead of time "Hey, maybe we need to run to the drug store to pick up cards from Baby Anon to our moms, huh?"
posted by k8t at 5:24 PM on May 11, 2009
Also, at least for me, I've gotten into "helping" Baby celebrate for Daddy. I was at a Mommy and Me type thingy near Valentine's Day and they did red heart footprints. I signed it "Happy Valentine's Day Daddy Love Baby X."
And our daycare made Mother's Day cards to bring home.
So it may be stupid, but it feels REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLYYYY good.
PS, as another new mommy, pls feel free to MeMail me if you ever wanna chat....
posted by k8t at 5:29 PM on May 11, 2009
And our daycare made Mother's Day cards to bring home.
So it may be stupid, but it feels REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLYYYY good.
PS, as another new mommy, pls feel free to MeMail me if you ever wanna chat....
posted by k8t at 5:29 PM on May 11, 2009
FWIW, working where I do (florist) there were a lot of MOMS sending flowers to their daughters to wish them Happy Mother's Day (the daughters being moms themselves, natch.) We also had quite a few guys sending flowers to their wives thanking them for all they did for the family.
I think it's nice for a husband to acknowledge and appreciate the mother of his children on her special day.
To the poster: Am I right that perhaps this is about him acknowledging your new status as a mom and acknowledging the first time you qualify for the celebration? You are not out of line for being disappointed. But he is not weird or horrible for not realizing he should have. A lot of guys really do not think about this stuff.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:54 PM on May 11, 2009
I think it's nice for a husband to acknowledge and appreciate the mother of his children on her special day.
To the poster: Am I right that perhaps this is about him acknowledging your new status as a mom and acknowledging the first time you qualify for the celebration? You are not out of line for being disappointed. But he is not weird or horrible for not realizing he should have. A lot of guys really do not think about this stuff.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:54 PM on May 11, 2009
While you are being honest about how you would like to celebrate Mother's Day in the future, I think it would be wise to add that your reaction to it surprised you and that even you had no idea it would be important to you, so of course he couldn't have known either. So he can be totally off the hook for this one. And of course ask him what he envisions for Father's Day.
As an aside, I can't imagine not acknowledging the father of my children on Father's Day. So yeah, I get it. If hubby didn't even mention Mother's Day, especially my first...ouch.
posted by agentwills at 5:57 PM on May 11, 2009
As an aside, I can't imagine not acknowledging the father of my children on Father's Day. So yeah, I get it. If hubby didn't even mention Mother's Day, especially my first...ouch.
posted by agentwills at 5:57 PM on May 11, 2009
Just tell him.
I dated a guy years ago, okay guy more or less, not great. The one great thing about him was that he was totally open that he was terrible with things like gifts and gestures. When I got my master's degree and invited him to a dinner i was having to celebrate, he left me a message that said, "congratulations, thank you for inviting me. if this is an occasion for which i should bring a gift, please have your best friend call me so i can purchase something appropriate."
my girlfriends were horrified but i was thrilled. he said he wasn't good at it; he reminded me of it; he wasn't inconsistent; and he didn't refuse to participate, he just needed help.
it's okay to be upset about it. it was your first mother's day. you didn't know how you would feel. now you do. so just tell him.
posted by micawber at 6:20 PM on May 11, 2009
I dated a guy years ago, okay guy more or less, not great. The one great thing about him was that he was totally open that he was terrible with things like gifts and gestures. When I got my master's degree and invited him to a dinner i was having to celebrate, he left me a message that said, "congratulations, thank you for inviting me. if this is an occasion for which i should bring a gift, please have your best friend call me so i can purchase something appropriate."
my girlfriends were horrified but i was thrilled. he said he wasn't good at it; he reminded me of it; he wasn't inconsistent; and he didn't refuse to participate, he just needed help.
it's okay to be upset about it. it was your first mother's day. you didn't know how you would feel. now you do. so just tell him.
posted by micawber at 6:20 PM on May 11, 2009
I don't understand what husbands have to do with Mother's Day.
It's for kids who are old enough to do something autonomous to remember their mom.
That being said, I helped my one year old cut a daffodil from the garden for Mommy, but that would have been it.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 6:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's for kids who are old enough to do something autonomous to remember their mom.
That being said, I helped my one year old cut a daffodil from the garden for Mommy, but that would have been it.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 6:28 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
One more thing: it would be my job to remember *my* mother on Mother's Day
posted by blue_wardrobe at 6:30 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by blue_wardrobe at 6:30 PM on May 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, Mother Day thing came as a surprise to me too, I assumed it was the kids responsibility, not mine, and would "wait" for a few years until they could do it. But my wife made it clear before the day that something was needed. With a new-baby, I organised an afternoon off shopping for her, as well as, the usual flowers etc. Now 5 years on, I still got it (just slightly) wrong, apparently it is more important to get breakfast in bed, over flowers or home made cards with the kids. Next year I'll nail it!
Communication is key!
posted by lundman at 7:10 PM on May 11, 2009
Communication is key!
posted by lundman at 7:10 PM on May 11, 2009
It's surprising to me that anyone's reaction to seeing this poster's sad, small hurt would be to tell her that her desire for acknowledgment on Mother's Day is out of line. Yes, a mother's children are the ones who are supposed to acknowledge her. But their father is responsible for those children, so he takes on their obligations when they're too small and ignorant to understand them.
You're fine, anon. I would be hurt, too. It wasn't his fault, either. He just needs to know what you're feeling; let him in.
posted by palliser at 7:21 PM on May 11, 2009
You're fine, anon. I would be hurt, too. It wasn't his fault, either. He just needs to know what you're feeling; let him in.
posted by palliser at 7:21 PM on May 11, 2009
I really wanted to read everything that's been said so far but it's past midnight and I just wanted to tell you I had a similar story to yours, except my husband explicitly asked me if I wanted to do something special for Mother's Day and I said of course not, we don't do these silly holidays, and then when the day came and he did nothing for me, I burst into tears when I realized that this particular holiday did mean something to me, and I shouldn't have dismissed it. So the next year, at my bidding my husband got me a cake and flowers and I was happy. This is our third Mother's Day and neither of us could be bothered any more. I think the novelty/emotional significance wears off substantially after a bit. Maybe it'll get interesting again when the kids start doing something for me.
posted by Dragonness at 9:20 PM on May 11, 2009
posted by Dragonness at 9:20 PM on May 11, 2009
Happy Belated Mother's Day.
Honouring your mother has a long, long tradition in western society (note to Americans - it wasn't invented in the US and is by no means a "Hallmark Holiday") and although for everyone I know the expectation is that the spouse honour the mother of his children on Mothering Sunday as well as his own mother perhaps your husband is from a different culture. I can ~maybe~ understand not making a big deal of it when you don't celebrate Valentines day but to not even say "Happy Mother's Day" to the mother of your child on your first ever Mother's Day is really inexcusable from another adult.
Take a deep breath, and calmly write or tell him how hurt you were by his inaction. Nothing he says or does not can erase that inital hurt but is there something extravagant you have denied yourself that he can give you? A day (or hours) away from the child, a physical thing, a family portrait? Tell him that is his LATE gift for this year and you expect a better one on time next year.
If you haven't already, look into the Love Languages book and see what makes you feel loved and try to figure out what he does to make you feel loved. They are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Acknowledge that yes, he does show his love in the ways that he thinks are loving and obvious but you need to see his love in another way on a day that is special to you. Ask him to do the one thing you need to feel loved on the special day.
From sad experience I can tell you that many men do not celebrate Valentine's Day or Mothering Sunday or other special days that require actual effort not because they are so busy showing their love on the other days but because it is just not important enough for them. Let him know how important it is for you. If you now want to celebrate Valentine's Day then let him know that it is now important for you and you want it to be celebrated in a certain way. Then leave it up to him to follow though. In my opinion, reminding him every days for weeks and setting up calendars is completely taking away the significance of the effort he should be making and to me would not make me feel appreciated at all and more like his social secretary.
posted by saucysault at 7:09 AM on May 12, 2009
Honouring your mother has a long, long tradition in western society (note to Americans - it wasn't invented in the US and is by no means a "Hallmark Holiday") and although for everyone I know the expectation is that the spouse honour the mother of his children on Mothering Sunday as well as his own mother perhaps your husband is from a different culture. I can ~maybe~ understand not making a big deal of it when you don't celebrate Valentines day but to not even say "Happy Mother's Day" to the mother of your child on your first ever Mother's Day is really inexcusable from another adult.
Take a deep breath, and calmly write or tell him how hurt you were by his inaction. Nothing he says or does not can erase that inital hurt but is there something extravagant you have denied yourself that he can give you? A day (or hours) away from the child, a physical thing, a family portrait? Tell him that is his LATE gift for this year and you expect a better one on time next year.
If you haven't already, look into the Love Languages book and see what makes you feel loved and try to figure out what he does to make you feel loved. They are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Acknowledge that yes, he does show his love in the ways that he thinks are loving and obvious but you need to see his love in another way on a day that is special to you. Ask him to do the one thing you need to feel loved on the special day.
From sad experience I can tell you that many men do not celebrate Valentine's Day or Mothering Sunday or other special days that require actual effort not because they are so busy showing their love on the other days but because it is just not important enough for them. Let him know how important it is for you. If you now want to celebrate Valentine's Day then let him know that it is now important for you and you want it to be celebrated in a certain way. Then leave it up to him to follow though. In my opinion, reminding him every days for weeks and setting up calendars is completely taking away the significance of the effort he should be making and to me would not make me feel appreciated at all and more like his social secretary.
posted by saucysault at 7:09 AM on May 12, 2009
Frame it in a positive way. Instead of, "I felt bad about no observance of Mother's Day," tell him what you would like. It should be something easy and convenient, but which shows caring. And do something sweet and non-splashy for him on Father's Day: a card, a note describing some of the ways he's a good dad, or a favorite food... or just be extra nice to him that day.
You could suggest a do-over. maybe on July 10 -- or you can turn Father's Day to Parents' Day.
You feel disappointed because nothing out of the ordinary happened that day. But a small heart-felt gesture can go a long way, and not create pressure in the years to come.
posted by wryly at 1:06 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You could suggest a do-over. maybe on July 10 -- or you can turn Father's Day to Parents' Day.
You feel disappointed because nothing out of the ordinary happened that day. But a small heart-felt gesture can go a long way, and not create pressure in the years to come.
posted by wryly at 1:06 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by MorningPerson at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2009 [6 favorites]